*foiled.*

Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Monday, yesterday, and today all looked the same: babysit the entire day. Eh.

Yesterday Haylee came over to spend the night though, and in my two hours off today I was with Cody. Funfunfun. He and I wrestled for a poem. Hah. We always end up wrestling or something. I always have bruises anyway.

Man, I need a shower. Badly.

Not feeling very insightful, can you tell? Pff.
Princess at 9:49 PM
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Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Cory came to visit tonight. I just adore him.

Haylee's back from Cedar Point, and so I shall be seeing her soon. Thank god. I've missed her..... after all, she is my new partner in crime *muahahah*.

I updated the poetry page, and put together a crack me up page, of which I need to post on here. Not tonight though. Too tedious.

I've decided to take over my school..... with freedom. Everyone only sucks so much because they need to be set free from the media, a task that is only easily accomplished by the most liberal and free-spirited of us. It's a wonderous gift I've been given, and it's time I share it. So, Perry Meridian, get ready for change.
Princess at 12:27 AM

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Monday, July 28, 2003
McDonald's for breakfast.... mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

repainted an old pair of Volatiles I had laying around last night. They had these wretched red and yellow lined flames, so i painted them hot pink and covered them in glitter to better suit my taste. Worked more on the Sylvia skirt, too. It's coming along quite well, except for one problem.... I just ran out of the star color, mid-sentence. And that really sucks. Oh well.

I catch myself now slowly pulling back to my punk rock roots, note the DIY and Bikini Kill tendencies. And the fact that I've torn apart and badly sewn back together most my clothing articles. Oh, and I'm having a hard time going out without my favorite pair of old combat boots and fishnets... I'm thinkin, dammit, what the world?, laughing at myself. Next I'll follow the time warp back to my good ole popular girl days, haha. Can't wait to squeeze back into a pair of too-tight mudd jeans and a pale yellow tube top, fo sho. *Shudders*.

Not just that though, but my sudden urge to stand up and change things. Which is a good thing, of course, and a sign that I really am getting better. The fact that I'm just not afraid of doing that is a HUGE deal for me. And so, with my drive and charm, things will definetly soon be changing. Yay for me....

I am rather nervous about going back to school. Trying to schedule another psych appointment before it begins to ask his opinion on doubling my dose of Paxil. I think it's only fair.

Mom is also calling up the GYN to order the DEPO shot for me. It's a contraceptive shot that will stop my periods altogether. I'm thinkin, good deal, except that I'm absolutely petrified of shots and there is a very likely chance of a 40 pound wait gain. Eek. Not that fat scares me, but feeling uncomfortable in my body does. I mean, I'm STILL getting used to the fact that I'm not a size 3 anymore. But hell, whatever happens, happens. After all, it's just weight. Hmpf.

And so I sign off to watch the brothers. Ciao.
Princess at 10:42 AM

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Sunday, July 27, 2003
...I heard the most terrifying thing in my life today: a sermon on marraige. I was told that I was the weaker of the sexes and was to submit to my husband. And I am not only mortified, but horrified as well.

Every person in my life, romantic or not, that I have assumed the submissive role to has abused me. And as far as I can see, that's not changing very quickly.

I will never be married in a Christian church. In fact, if being Christian means letting men dominate my life, I don't want to be Christian either. Forget that.

I am stronger than most men I know, than most people I know, and never could a man handle the position of trying to dominate and care for me. I'm too hard.

What about sexual equality? As far as I am concerned, I will always worship only a god that believes I am equal. Dominating and submissing is wrong to do in a relationship. Never will I shut my mouth and let a man pretend he knows what is best for me. NEVER.

So for all of you who wish to dominate me, I'd like to see you try. Ha.
Princess at 12:04 PM

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Saturday, July 26, 2003
Gr..... I'm about to start my period, already fucking cramping, and ready to kill someone. And I'm not kidding. I'm so uselessly angry right now at no particular subject that I am even more infuriated with how ridiculous that is. I better go make some art. That always comes out nicely when I'm PMSing. No! I don't want nice. I want raunchy, because that is how I feel. Dammit. I feel like using foul language for no apparent reason, too, dammit. RAWR!
Princess at 11:05 PM

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Excuse me? What did you just call me? My name is Ms. HandyGirl, thank you.

Yeah, I took the doors off my closet last night and put a new VCR in and fixed my cable problem. I feel so dang useful.

*Yawns* I also feel so dang tired. Hmpf.

Last night I had another effing panic attack. Yeah yeah, big deal. The big deal was.... it was only a family thing. There was just too much chaos, I spose. It makes me oh-so-nervous, as school does begin here in a couople weeks. I mean, I was going to be over this by now, dangit. Why aren't I? It's so frustrating.

I hate not being able to breathe.
Princess at 11:39 AM

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Friday, July 25, 2003
sign the board now. GO!
Princess at 4:59 PM

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Something is terribly wrong. I am coming up with someone else's effing blog here, and it's not pretty as mine. Dangit.
Princess at 10:46 AM

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I actually cleaned my room..... in just one night. I know, I know, anyone who has seen that disaster will probably not believe this but.... I did it! I can see the whole floor, and the only thing on it is the leftover organizers that I just need a few shelves for. I'm so proud, and my mom will probably buy me a pizza. Or not. Maybe a bookshelf, though.

Annie *little neighbor girl* is back from vacation, and I have never been so grateful. The little darling's absence has left Kris extremely testy and lonely, and I'm hopeful that her presence will be able to fix that. Besides, everything feels empty without Annie OR Brandon *who will, by the way, be home tonight TGIF*.

And the french nails? Royally fucked. Oh well.

I had a dream about the Dorothy dress, and I think that means that I have to buy it or something horrible will happen. Now I just have to figure out a way to do it behind Mom's back.... hmpf.

Also, I rediscovered some of biggest loves while cleaning. Oversized rubber duck, spray-on hair glitter, half a bottle of Ben Nye's Aqua Glitter *in prism*, 400,000 mismatched socks, tons of patches, tubes upon tubes of puff paint, a neverending load of clothes I haven't seen in years, some of my paintings, at least 20 dollars in change *quuuuarrrrter machines!*, an array of funky magnets and keepsakes, and several pink lamps. Ah, the satisfaction.

Now I have to find someone strong to help me move my furniture *damn you Queen-sized bed that I can't budge alone*. Even then, I'll probably seriously injure my stupid bad back. Stupid.

Now, onto laundry and vacuuming. *sighs.*
Princess at 10:43 AM

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today i went to bupa di beppo's. who would've known that in italian, that means joe's basement? so odd.

afterwards was goodwill. found the world's most perfect dorothy dress. and yes, it did make me look fat. but what the hell do i care? i don't. mom said no to it though... probably because she knew i'd never take it off, and so there i was without my money, lusting deeply for a badly sewn costume with cheap tulle lining. it made me look so gorgeously juvenile though, and for the most part, that's all i want.

i did, however, convince the great denier of perfect dresses to buy me a 73 cwnt anklet with little onyx stars. ooooh.

came home, painted more onto my sylvia skirt *a work in progress featuring plath's quotes as well as 'a mad girl's lovesong' along with the bikini kill song, bloody ice cream, which talks about the way all girl writers are seen as destined to pull a plath and suicide* and french-manicured my sharpened nails. i am currently screwing them up in galatic proportions. hence the no caps, as well. megan will be offended.

need to cut my bangs tomorrow. i'm losing my pin-up appeal. hmpf. probably never had it anyway.

discovered more good websites today. soon i must update the links page. hope all will be appreciative. probably not.

oh yes, i'm completely addicted to this blog thing, man. i can't stop. oh well.

much love n many kisses.
Princess at 12:01 AM

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Thursday, July 24, 2003
Went to Kris's swim this morning at effing 9:30. Soo long. There were a bunch of kids from Perry's Swim team in thier disgusting little speedos, and I thought about puking. Seriously thought about it.

When I got home I made a new guy standard list. Check it.

Guy Standards:
Absolutely No Pansies.
Must Have Hot Hair.
Must Have Good Conversational Skills.
Must Be Somewhat Spiritual.
Must Be a Hardass *or can at least hold his own*
Has to Pamper Me at all Times and Hold Me Above Everything Else.
No Disgusting Nicknames *SugarPoo, LoveMuffin..*
Has to be bigger than me for cuddling purposes.
NON ABUSIVE, NO HISTORY OF ABUSE.
Must Not Scare Me.
Must be Knowledgeable.
NO POSERS.
Must Not Even have a Hint of Insanity.
Must be Completely Truthful.
Has to be Somewhat Adventurous.
NO JEALOUSY ISSUES.

Kinda extensive, huh? Eh, it sould keep me out of crap for awhile. Till next time, love and kisses.
Princess at 2:07 PM

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It's official. I hate myself.
Princess at 12:26 AM

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Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Oh, Chad kicks. I love him muchly. And so, he is really awesome. Also, he is someday going to buy my a breast reduction, and how cool is that?!?
Princess at 10:35 PM

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This is me being even more miserable. Samm and Haylee just talked... dammit. He doesn't love me anymore. Does anyone even realize how painful that is? Does anyone care? I do. I miss him. And the part that kills me is.... he doesn't miss me. I mean, Cody said he missed me but..... it's not from the horse's mouth, so who knows.

I'm so unlovable.

I hate getting used to it.
Princess at 10:34 PM

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I am miserable. Completely and utterly. Sometimes I feel like absolutely no one loves me.... and now is that time.

I went to church to babysit tonight, because well, that's my job. Of course, I quit going and so did my family, but I still work there for A)the kids and B) the money. But I kept having run-ins with the stupid youth group, and just being ignored by everyone gets really old really quick. And so I cried.

And cried. Our pastor hates me and shows no hesitation to make rude remarks about how I look, our youth pastor is either ignoring me or publicly humiliating me all the time, and I only have one friend left there. And that's ridiculous, man. It breaks my heart. I work so hard to try to help out these stupid people, and to make sure they feel better about crap, only to have it rubbed in my face how worthless I am. And sometimes I make the mistake of believing them. Like last week, I met this girl online who dates my ex. She was all upset and crying because apparently, he was mad at her because he has jealousy issues. I, having been in that situation before, tried to comfort her by saying that it would be alright, he would get over it, it feels like a bigger deal than it is. We ended up having a good conversation and getting along very well, and by the end, I had her laughing instead of crying. Of course, the next day she tells me to leave her alone, because she's done talking to me. And that's just the way it always fucking is with these people. I sit around, and jump at their feet to try to make them feel better about things, but I swear I'm just never good enough for them. And I never will be, either.

Well fuck that. I'm so tired of this shit, all this emotional crap. I let myself get so fucked up over stuff that isn't even relevant..... like people. Or John's girlfriend. I mean, I didn't even want to talk to her in the first place, I only did because I can't stand the idea that someone else is sad and not being comforted. And really, I hate that idea so much because I suffer that. All the time. And no one ever comforts me. How miserable.

I don't want to be miserable anymore.
It's time to freaking be better.
Dangit.
And so, I will be.
And these assholes will not get in the way anymore. Period.
Princess at 9:17 PM

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I am miserable. Completely and udderly. Sometimes I feel like absolutely no one loves me.... and now is that time.

I went to church to babysit tonight, because well, that's my job. Of course, I quit going and so did my family, but I still work there for A)the kids and B) the money. But I kept having run-ins with the stupid youth group, and just being ignored by everyone gets really old really quick. And so I cried.

And cried. Our pastor hates me and shows no hesitation to make rude remarks about how I look, our youth pastor is either ignoring me or publicly humiliating me all the time, and I only have one friend left there. And that's ridiculous, man. It breaks my heart. I work so hard to try to help out these stupid people, and to make sure they feel better about crap, only to have it rubbed in my face how worthless I am. And sometimes I make the mistake of believing them. Like last week, I met this girl online who dates my ex. She was all upset and crying because apparently, he was mad at her because he has jealousy issues. I, having been in that situation before, tried to comfort her by saying that it would be alright, he would get over it, it feels like a bigger deal than it is. We ended up having a good conversation and getting along very well, and by the end, I had her laughing instead of crying. Of course, the next day she tells me to leave her alone, because she's done talking to me. And that's just the way it always fucking is with these people. I sit around, and jump at their feet to try to make them feel better about things, but I swear I'm just never good enough for them. And I never will be, either.

Well fuck that. I'm so tired of this shit, all this emotional crap. I let myself get so fucked up over stuff that isn't even relevant..... like people. Or John's girlfriend. I mean, I didn't even want to talk to her in the first place, I only did because I can't stand the idea that someone else is sad and not being comforted. And really, I hate that idea so much because I suffer that. All the time. And no one ever comforts me. How miserable.

I don't want to be miserable anymore.
It's time to freaking be better.
Dangit.
And so, I will be.
And these assholes will not get in the way anymore. Period.
Princess at 9:17 PM

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Tuesday, July 22, 2003
What if I checked myself into a sleep clinic? Do those work? How bout... hypnotism? Because Benadryl and Hot Chocolate don't do it, man.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning. Typical, except this time I couldn't go back to sleep because the days duties had already begun. Of course. Dammit. All I wanna do right now is craaaaaaaaaaaash.

Lord help me.
Princess at 8:54 AM

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Monday, July 21, 2003
Libby, I love you, and just so everyone knows Libby was not mean about not wanting to do the band thing. She thinks she is bad, which is silly, but anyway, she was very nice about it and is one of the only nice people left in the world. Kisses to her.
Princess at 8:34 PM

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i am on the verge of killing my cousin kevin. just so everyone knows.

kris peed on the dog again today. it's so dirty, man. and now she's outside walking in it, and licking it all up and stuff. makes me wanna puke..... she kisses me, man.

also, i need to take a shower because i am completely and utterly disgusting. am i going to? probably not. i just wonder when i will finally feel like it. i hope it's sometime soon, man.
Princess at 2:18 PM

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SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
Princess at 1:44 AM

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SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
Princess at 1:43 AM

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SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.SOMEDAY YOU WILL ACHE LIKE I ACHE.
Princess at 1:42 AM

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Libby doesn't want to be in my band. Alas. Very saddening. No one will be nice, either. I'm very tired of this. I have next to no friends, which I guess I'm getting more ok with. But..... mean people who suck have friends and I don't, and that makes me very angry. Someday, all these little jerks will pay for what they have done to me.

*I want to be the girl with the most cake*
Princess at 1:33 AM

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Saturday, July 19, 2003
Stills feels like morning. Maybe that could be due to the fact that I didn't sleep much. Well, of course I slept a tid-bit, but after that bit, I couldn't manage to go back.

I had this dream that my mom and I were walking out of a strip mall, where we had been shopping with my cousins. See, they had left us to go on home and I guess we were staying behind to look at a few last things *the store was, by the way, called LIB, partly ripping off DEB and partly paying homage to my bandmate and good friend, Libby*. In the parking lot were three husky, dirty Mexican men covered in tattoos of Mary and rosaries and typical Catholic symbols, along with the occassional skull and fading memory of a woman's name or figure. They came forth, one offering a cigarette in exchange for a light. I, of course, had an immediately awful feeling and tried to scurry my mom away, but being nice as she is, she stopped to explain how we didn't smoke. I have hold of her arm, trying to drag her away while she goes in depth about out asthma and genetics, and she brushes me off, asking what the hurry was. I try to give her 'the look', but she rolls her eyes and tries to explain me away to the fast approaching men. And then they're there, face-to-face, beckoning us to a dark corner behind their big, white, splat-stained, rusty van. My mom takes a step forward, and as I go to stop her, I am grabbed from behind and smacked. My mom looks back at me, and as she does so she is hit in the head with a baseball bat. My jaw drops in horror as blood streams down her face and her hands are taped behind her back, my attacker imitating hers. We were beaten brutally and raped multiple times before being thrown by the curb by our laughing offenders.

It was too real.

The nightmares are just getting worse and worse, and I can't figure out why. How annoying.
Princess at 1:50 PM

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Friday, July 18, 2003
This dumb blog will not listen for crap. Dang blog.
Princess at 5:46 PM

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Been workin on the homepage. So dang difficult, man! Yeah, it's one of those easy AOL things, but I'm like, trying to figure out the codes and stuff so I can use hot pink and whatnot *giggles*. I need to be doing that in here. Argh.

Babysitting some more. Babysat yesterday, too. Yesterday pretty much blew except for a great convo I had with Haylee about the Nazi Birds.... complicated, but funny. Well, I guess that's all for now. Stay tuned for more updates, kids.
Princess at 4:24 PM

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Wednesday, July 16, 2003
I must be on crack. There is just no other explanation for me.
Princess at 12:38 PM

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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
Ok, so here it is... first day of blog-ativity. I spose we will go over today's happeneings, yes? Well then, here we go.

Jerry got me up at 8 this morning. Yes, 8. Gawd. Talk about ridiculously early. Ok, while I realize it may not be so early for the majority of the human race... they aren't nocturnal, now are they?!

Anyway, back to the morning. Babysitting Kris and Brandon. Blucky. Brandon won't listen or get ready for swim lessons and Kris is screaming about how he wants to play at Derek's *where he can't go for another half hour. Already, I felt the flu coming on, too. When I finally let them both go... well, let's just say I was going too. UGH!

Several episodes of Fairly Odd Parents later, Brandon comes home to bug me. NO, he will NOT wear anything but whitey-tidies around the house. NO, he will not go check on Kris at Darren's. NO, he will NOT stop babbling about how much he hates the show I'm watching and NO, he will NOT leave the room. ARGH!! The phone rings, and Brandon pickes it up to hear Kris saying he's on his way home from Danny's. Nice. Especially since it has just begun thundering.

An hour later, Kris calls again from Damon's house. He came to the door, he says, but couldn't get in. Brandon had shut the door and locked it. Gr.
After fixing lunch with no help from Brandon *yes, he is 13* and Kris changing his mind at least 5 times *yes, he is 5*, Mom calls and says she's coming home to take us to a movie. Oh joy.

We saw the Hulk. Surprisingly delightful, I was more than satisfied. I think we all pretty much enjoyed it. Woo-hoo.

After the crew takes off for Karate, Cody calls right about the time I pick up the phone to call him. It's always odd between the two of us like that. Hm. He goes on to say that he was asked out again by his ex, one of my riot sisters. The thing is... he can't stand her. And also, it was probably my fault for forcing them to hang out together. He informs me of a situation I probably should've been there for last night, and I want to jump through the phone so I can squish his brains out with the most obese hug I could ever give him. Too bad I don't get my liscence till October. Did I spell that wrong? I never ever get that word right.

Anyway, we continue on for a few hours as we always do while time zooms by in a total of 3 minutes. Odd, once again, is the way we are with eachother. We discuss why I'll always be without a real male counterpart, why everyone leaves me in the end, how I deeply miss Samm... you know, usual joyous topics. Pff.

And now, I'm stuck with two thoughts: Samm told Cody he misses me, and Cody at one point thought of me as more than a friend. Which is slightly odd because I only have the world's biggest crush on Samm *he'll never read this, no longer interested.. no worries here* and isn't that just odd that I might be developing another? Hm. Good thing I'm ridiculously open, or I would be editing that part out right about now. But hell, this is about journaling my inner thoughts.... and if you're dumb enough to be reading this, you probably couldn't have figured that out on your own, anyway. Muaha.

Also, I have made a disturbing discovery:Cherrysucker.com is now an email base. Not a poetry site. Oh well, free email with more space.

Well. I guess that's it. TTFN, ta-ta for now. Love.

Princess at 11:39 PM

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Ta-daaa! First blog ever!! Yay for this guy!
Princess at 5:13 PM

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