Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Band practice: ok. Wasn't very long, but afterwards, Shawna and I were stranded at Arby's with her dying engine for awhile. Ick. I did, though, have the opportunity for some curly fry action...... mmm.

Spilled barbecue on my new Bettie Page shirt, dangit. I hate being so messy sometimes. It does have its good points though *like Sunday's mud wrestling- woooooooo!*.

Drove Cody nuts today by pulling a him on him. Ha. I feel like I've accomplished something almost. Too bad I know better.


Princess at 9:10 PM
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Blah. Band practice here in a few, then later on..... Cody or hair dye? I dunno.

Bobbi wrote me today, sorry for what she said. I forgive, of course, cuz I love her and I understand. I'm still blahed at John though.. after all, I don't want anyone to be like that to my Bobbi, dangit. Besides.. he should have learned by now to leave everyone else the fuck out of it, but he won't, so I'm blahed.

blah.
Princess at 3:33 PM

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Monday, August 25, 2003
Apparently, she doesn't want much to do with me, either, all because of stupid John. He's so damn immature, and he keeps taking everyone away from me and it's stupid. That selfish little bitch. It's so unfair. It's like... I leave him alone, but will he ever truly just shut the hell up and live his life? NO. He has to sit around and make damn sure I'm miserable just because it gives him that much pleasure. I guess it always has. That fuck.

I HATE PEOPLE. I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU. BUT MOST OF ALL, I HATE BEING ME AND I HATE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL.
Princess at 8:32 PM

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Hello, my name is Miserable, nice to meet you. Just kidding, not nice to meet you- I hate people.

Why? You may ask. The answer is simple: you, like every other person on the planet *yes, that includes me* SUCK.

It's just.... ahh I checked out Bobbi's blog today and it said I was going to use Cody. I felt like imploding. The worst part was.... Cody was on the phone with me when I read it, and I was so horridly upset and crying and stuff. As if that wasn't bad enough, there was a comment in there about how I am so annoying and whatnot and all I can do is cry. I just wonder... why do I work so effing hard to make other people happy when all they do is bash me? It's so hurtful. I mean, I'm so freaking sad and I'm so freaking angry so often but I shut up like a good little grrl to try to encourage other people, just to get pushed around by the very people I work to help. I hatehatehate it. I hate being me. I HATE THIS.

And the truth is this: I love Cody and he loves me dammit, I don't know why anyone can assume otherwise, but everyone does. It's so freaking ridiculous. And they're all so consumed with wanting to know whether or not we're 'going out', and it's so pathetic. I DON'T WANT A FREAKING TYPICAL RELATIONSHIP EVER AGAIN, DAMMIT. Why does no one get that? Why is any of that important? It's not. Cody's my best friend, and I love him. And he loves me. ANd everyone else- every last one of you- can screw off. I"m so tired of all that.

....Oh, and I pierced my nipple this weekend. Well, Cody helped me. Go figure.

Princess at 6:04 PM

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Saturday, August 23, 2003
I just realized a veryvery important bit of information: I have a Barbie neck. Pencil thin a really long, you know? I guess I've never looked at it until this morning. Hm. It's kinda cute, and kinda impractical.

Oh, and to satisfy Cody: CHRISTIAN. There.
Princess at 7:44 AM

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Friday, August 22, 2003
She types with one hand and busies the other drinking a Mountain Dew when the realization hits her... She has forgotten her precious blog.

Yeah, sorry, I've been busy of my arse.

Yesterday I did end up with La Chik band, writing a couple songs, and proceeding to the mall to obtain a can o whoop asss. Oh, and good news: the girls want to cover *gasp* SUPERCHIC[K]. What could be more perfect, you ask? Little Mermaid, actually. But hey, we can't all have tastes as good as I can. Ha. Ha.

I did write another song today in school. It's probably the least poetic thing I've ever written, but I enjoyed it. Not that that's a big deal, but it felt really great to get some of my frustration out now that I know I can do something with it. Woohoo.

Today was not so bad.
Good events: Decorating Ricci's locker. Lunch with Bobbi, Zach, Chad, Daniel, Steven, etc. Haylee and just her presence. Cody and his adorability and kisses. Me realizing that I've acheived my goal of bad-grrrl apathy on petty subjects. Coloring my hair with a pink pen. Lindsey driving me home after I missed the bus because I don't care about time.
Not-so-good events: I never actually got to see Ricci see her locker. Haylee not showing up early as planned. Some weirdo bitching me out.

Yeah, a girl *spelled that way for a reason ~antigrrrl~* who doesn't even know me decided that through some revolutionary gossip, she has gotten to know me and exactly how horrible everything about me is. She informed me of how Bobbi and I are not friends, how Cody is much closer to her than me, how he is going to her house tonight *damn plan changes, i guess*, how I personally kicked John right out of school, that I am a whore *dammit if I knew that I would charge more*, and obviously that she is God of all that is Intellectual and rules over my comebacks and questions like they are less than tiny molecules of fly-covered shit. Who would've guessed? While this is usually not such a big deal, it struck me as particularly odd because after actually using her own comebacks on her, she would make fun of them. That and how she asked me if I was dating Cody *the sixth person today*, and claimed that it IS her business to know so. Oh, and she used 'fuck' two times consecutively and it still made at least some kind of primitive sense *excuse me, I forgot that she is the God of Intellect, how could I even come to understand such fucking terms?*.. that I fucked John over, which I thought was pretty interesting, too. And for being a bad grrrlfriend I guess I am a whore. Hm.

I am at this point getting quite tired of idiots who think they are so very much smarter than I could ever hope to be, and also of corrupted people themselves informing me of how horrible I am. Not that I can *or would like to* deny that I am far from saintly, but come now, I am not the one following people around simply to call out their stupidity/corruption. Once again, not that I work strenuously to restrain myself from calling one out on a serious foul when they happen to be in my presence. I just can't imagine a life with no better purpose than other people. And I can't stand anyone who lives such a life.

When I come home from school and the caffeine high dies off *like it is now*, suddenly I feel horribly depressed. It's so ridiculous, like maybe I'll never escape sickness and yuckiness. Pf.

Well, love.
Off to.. do something silly and irrelevant.




Princess at 4:52 PM

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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Tried Jones Energy today, and have decided to warn all of my fellow friends of one thing: IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU ENERGETIC, BUT IT DOES CRASH YOU BADLY.

Where, you may ask, did I find such a delectible delicacy? Wet Seal. Haylee, Chad and I met at the mall last night. Moped Rides, Peed Pants, "Blackbird", Running through Caution Tape, Singing Scat in the Halls, Elevator Jumping, Hot-Topic Employee Pick-Ups, Honkey-Talking, a Bag of Cheeseless Breadsticks, and $28.50 worth of Jones Soda followed. How do you say.. Ah yes, EXHILIRATING.

I really love those two.
Really.

Today is room-cleaning, Ricci-planning, and baby-sitting. Soundtrack?... Cake's Fashion Nugget, maybe. It sounds suddenly appealing.
Tomorrow is band practice with La Chik Band. And some more Ricci planning.

I'm contemplating bleaching le hair this weekend and staining with Kool-aid again. As cheap and disgusting as this is, is costs next to no money and besides, Sally's is nowhere to be found *locally, anyway*, so I can forget anything even half-way nice. Mom DID already ok purple, and maybe to avoid nixing purple hair, too, I'll just go ahead and do it at someone else's house without asking. Maybe.

On, now, to le Fashion Nugget.

"You think she's an open book, but you don't know which page to turn to, do you?"
Princess at 3:25 PM

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Sunday, August 17, 2003
ELIZABETH WURTZEL HAS RELEASED A NEW BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!
Princess at 8:28 PM

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Saturday, August 16, 2003
Thank god for the weekend, because holiness I really needed it.

Last night was the mark of our first Friday of the year, celebrated by Chad, Cody, Ricci, and Bobbi coming over. Sadness for the absent Hay, rejoice for the return of the previously absent Bobbi. She completely made my week with a comment she made when she left about how much she loved me, and of course Ricci/Chad/Cody are always here to make my days. Yay for these guys, they deserve a dollar or something. Give them your dollars, people, for real.

Apparently, mass hysteria band week is over. It's being replaced with mass hyster Tyler-how's-your-lovelife-I-want-your-body week. Which is fun, I guess.

Uh.. People, stop getting offended about what I write in here. I don't reread it, I don't think about it, it's my effing journal where I spill my mind. If you don't like what you read, don't bitch about it, just don't read it. If you really need to approach me about it, please proceed to do so in a non-hostile way, thank you. Fuckers *hah j to the k*. Just.. understand that I'm pretty much writing to myself and that this journal is mostly in place for A) my own entertainment and B) a quick, easy way to avoid all those half-finished drafts on my email account about how I'm doing. *Yeah Fruitball, yeah Stewart, yeah Chris.. this is pretty much for you guys*. It's a privelige to be in my head, don't screw around with it.

Anyway, Ricci and I spent the entire night talking away as usual. Which I love. She's so intelligent and so like-minded, and it's just so exhilirating. Yay.

I lost my contact in my eye yesterday at school and by the time I got home I couldn't figure out whether or not I'd lost it. So, of course, I had to make an emergency run to the eye doctor, where they put 'stain' in my eye and turned on a blacklight. As a tear streaked down my face, I was given a mirror to see.... MY EYE WAS GLOW IN THE DARK, AND I WAS CRYING A GLOW IN THE DARK TEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the coolest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. The only negative: it showed that I'd scratched up cornea, so I have to wear my stupid glasses until Tuesday. BLAH! I hate them. I look like such a dorkwad. Ugh.

Well, I'm watching Strawberry Shortcake and need to pay full attention, of course *I don't have all the words memorized quite yet hahaha*. It's BerryBerryBerry Lovely. She just said her favorite cartoon is Tom and Berry. Ha. Ha.


Princess at 4:11 PM

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Wednesday, August 13, 2003
close your eyes and imagine a really really crappy day. now, multiply that by 10.

and that would be my day in a nutshell.

it was just horrid. i couldn't sleep forever and a day last night, so i just sat there and listened to classical music for hours, pissed that i have so much weird sleepativity. i mean, i really had confidence that my body wouldn't pull this crap on me anymore. i hate being wrong about myself.

so of course, i could not get myself up for anything. i'm not sure even a *cherry jones* would have roused me. anyway, i finally awoke and went to school. problem, you ask? i had third period with john.

**GASP**

yeah. gym, nonetheless. i walk into the room and literally tripped over myself in shock. and of course, instant panic attack. I EFFING HATE THOSE THINGS!!! here i am, second day in school, already panicing. and he just sat there, apart from everyone else, glaring at me so intensely i was surprised i didn't spontaneously combust or something. i turned around to try to calm myself and hear this huge TYLER!!! and of course it's indy and sterling, so i walk over to them and try to pretend like i'm fine. i was shaking like crazy and just melting under his stare. argh. what to do? leave le beloved indy, or stay with the ah-grr-i'm-scary-and-bitter-and-i-hate-you-and-i'm-going-to-make-you-pee-yourself-several-times-over john?

the thing is, i wouldn't have a problem if he weren't so... scary. and if he didn't hate me with a passion the way he does. i mean, i'm used to taking classes with people who hate me- that's not the issue. it's him in particular. it's so difficult because, truthfully, through all the crap i let him put me through, i still can't hate him the way he does me. i just can't. i don't know how. truthfully.. as much as i think he's a huge crazy meaniebutt... i still love him. and i always will, just because i'm like that. i'm too loving. blah. if i just hated him i think everything would be a lot easier. like, then i could take the class and make it a point to be mean or whatever, but i can't do that. i mean, hell, like i'd be able to concentrate on being mean and being in gym at the same type while hyped up on all that caffeine anyway. i just can't. sometimes i wish i could.

i hate how people believe the crap he says about me.

his life must be so much easier, just hating me so much. plotting against the tyler or whatever, getting drunk and stuff. i wish i could hate like that. well, i guess i do hate my dad. that's a big fat step for me, really. it's not a very passionate hate or anything, just enough to call him up and yell at him at midnight for hurting my mom and not feel bad about it. which is good. i'm too soft. then again, i'm too hard. blah, more with the paradoxical nature.

cody and i talked about it today. i told him how it really hurt to see john more than anything because.... i didn't want to go bash his face in, i wanted to hug him or something weird like that. i wanted him to like me, to be nice at least, and not to hatehatehate me. i didn't understand. cody suggested it had something to do with the fact that i've just never been really loved like that before, that no one has ever made me top priority or really gone out of their way to make me feel loved. i think he's right. it hurts, because the obvious answer is that i'm just.. not worth it. but i don't want to think that.

argh.

i sound like the whiniest little baby alive.
ick.
Princess at 9:47 PM

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Tuesday, August 12, 2003
First day of school.

Nuff said, yeah? Pff. No, it really wasn't as horrid as usual. Of course, I did drink that half bottle of Jolt this morning *and Oh! It burned!!* and brought myself that Fufu berry. And one for Hay *with this really awesome card I made.. yay for creativity*, so that made me happy that she was happy. Cept this stupid teacher took it away, and I was ready to scream at that lady.. argh.

I have no classes with my bestest twinkies *or burrito*, either. Which is pure heartbreak, of course. My lunch is pretty happy though. Cept... no Hay or Cody. WAH!

I got a lotlotlotlot of compliments on my dress today, which again is the mixed reaction from me of STOP LOOKING AT MY BOOBS I'M GOING TO KILL YOU and wow thanks, that's so sweet, yay for flattery and me feeling pretty. I'm so crazy.

Had an interesting conversation with Cody. He was complaining about his girlfriendlessness and how no one likes him. I said that was silly, and named off people who did, and he said they don't count. Of course, I asked who counted, to which he responded that I do. And I told him of course I adored him, and how if I were considering such a boyfriend at this point in time that he would be first in line. It was quite funny, because there we were gettting at the same point of "there's no way you would even consider me relationship-wise" when I guess the truth is that eventually it's inevitable anyway. I mean, if we are marrying *hahaha* then I spose we'll have to maintain something of a relationship then? Hopefully, anyway.

What if not?
Hm.
Princess at 9:11 PM

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Monday, August 11, 2003
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! School starts in like 10 hours and I'm all blahbahstressed. I so don't wanna go back. I'm a total nervous wreck. I hope everything'll be ok, though. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

I do have Jones prepared for lunch tomorrow, and a bottle of Jolt to get me up in the morning. Thank God for caffeine. And for sleeping pills...... of which are not making me tired at the moment. Dangit.

Well, I'm off to paint le nails. Love n kisses.
Princess at 9:38 PM

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Sunday, August 10, 2003
Back to Southport Presbyterian today. They had a little servicey thing, and Brittany played guitar. Yay for her. Then to Fazoli's with the whole fam plus the Arnold's. Yet another heavenly Panini! Mm. After that, mom and I went to Kohl's, Goodwill, and Meijers.

I found a Twinkie the Kid shirt, and an Ed Debevic's *my fave restaurant in Chicago* bowler, too. I also bought 5 Fufu Berry sodas for school. These, of course, are in addition to the Cream and Blue Bubble Gum ones that I have stashed *as well as a can of Whoop Ass...seriously*. I don't know what it is with me and my Jones soda addiction, but I can't complain. It's not like they're expensive *in most places*.

And anyone else who drinks Jones, GIVE ME YOUR BOTTLE CAPS!! I need them for a very seroius and special project I've been working on. I'll tell you what it is later *giggles*.

I don't know what has happened in the past week, but I think it's a sudden wave of Tyler-needs-to-sing-for-my-band histeria. Zach asked me, then Chad said I should sing for his band instead, and then today Britt and Shauna asked me, too. Luckily, I don't have to pick and choose. A girl can be in multiple bands, right? Right. I hope so, anyway. At least I'll stick with whoever's serious, though I doubt anyone is. Oh well.

My feet hurt. I need to do less walking in high-heeled boots.
Princess at 6:39 PM

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Today= seeing Freaky Friday and having dinner at Panera with Mary.

I= pretty scarf-twisty hair and a serious hunger for the Distillers and Cherry Jones.

My mood= intellectual and political, calm and concentrated.

My issues= my new contacts being smaller than my oversized irises and itching the hell out of me, talk of music and bands, my dad and a court case, and getting up at 7 in the morning next week.

My funds= $40 plus change.

My toenails= purple.

My love= Chad and Haylee.









Princess at 12:01 AM

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Saturday, August 09, 2003
Just got off the phone with my dad. That jerk.

I came home tonight to my mom all upset about him calling and saying shit about me again. That it was her fault I cut. And in addition to the fact that he ordered my records from school, he was pissing me off big-time. On the phone, he kept twisting my words, and even had the nerve to tell me that he was smarter than me and that feminism is a cult. And that the campaign to end sexual harrassment at school that I want to start is a bad idea. That fucking asshole.

He's such a stupid little fat fuck. He tried to get into politics with me, and I told him he was obviously undereducated about it and that I didn't want to hear it *when I told him that I didn't support war, he said "oh, so you're pro-terrorism?"*. And now that I look back on that, I want to laugh.

I've been so anti-politics for so damn long, and now, without me even noticing, I'm a complete political activist. It's just that.... I know right from wrong, and even as a little girl I stayed up for weeks crying over how many people died in WWII. And as soon as I realized Big Macs where made of cows, I became a vegetarian. I have this odd force that pushes me to try and make a difference... even if I fail horribly, I want to do what I know is right. Hmm. I'm so different from my dad.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not so overly-concerned with petty things like money and fishing trips the way he is. Why I worry about sexual harrassment in young girls and he worries about getting more moonshine. Why it is that the only thing I inherited from him is an extremely stubborn attitude and just enough charm.

I told him not to fuck with my mom.
I guess that's the only thing that matters in all of this.
Except that I'm even more determined to act out on issues now that my dad told me not to. Not out of defiance, but to prove that I am doing the right thing without him.

Here we go, then, on another boggling escapade from the unreal episodes of the life of Tyler Lanee.
Lord, save us all.
Princess at 1:24 AM

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Friday, August 08, 2003
Went to Baskin Robbins last night and was finally allowed to indulge in my favorite delicacy: Margarita Ice Sherbet. *Faints* Oh Lord, I could not tell you how much better that made me feel about everything. Mmm.

The eye doctor yesterday was rather sad. Apparently my vision is all the way at 20/800, and my old contacts have wrinkled my cornea so badly that even with contacts, they can't get my eyes to 20/30. Dangit. I got new ones, though, that I am actually allowed to wear for 30 days straight without taking them out or cleaning them. Yay for that. If they don't work, though, I'll never be allowed to wear contacts again. *Cries* I HATE my glasses! That's so effing unfair, man. I was so heartbroken to hear that. These better work.

Oh shit! I have to go feed the kids! I had no idea it was so late! More later, love, ta.


Princess at 1:38 PM

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Thursday, August 07, 2003
Made cute new earrings out of old Candyland pieces last night. Yay for me.

Today was interesting. At maybe 6:30 this morning, Brandon comes in the room yelling about how I need to get up. He won't shut his stupid mouth, and he won't leave. For some reason I just wanted to kill him for it, and I was screaming and throwing things at him and he was doing these annoying nasal voices at me... AH.

My dentist appointment was at fucking 7:15, but it took for freaking ever. I was content enough reading, though *ManifestA*. Afterwards, it was Shoe Carnival, Burlington, whatev. The boys are being so obnoxious it's ridiculous. They make me act funny. Like tensely annoyed but really really quiet and depressed and stuff. Very cynical, too.

I did buy new socks. Strawberries and cherries galore. And butterflies, can't forget the butterflies.
Princess at 11:52 AM

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Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Went shopping with Punkin today. She decided that clothing now would be my birthday present, so we kinda went all out. I bought tons of stuff, including these adorrrrrable pink pants from Goodwill that were a girl's size 16. I laughed so hard buying them, I could've peed myself. Me, in girl's pants. I felt so skinny.

I realized today, though, that shopping with my grandmother should probably be, in the future, limited to vintage and antique clothing downtown from now on. She postively hated most of what I loved, and told me now that I'm older I need to dress more consevatively. Pshaw, says I.

Had an interesting conversation with my mom about dyeing my hair, too. I told her I was going back to pink, and she said no, so I gave her a bunch of reasons why it was a good idea, and she said she'll 'mull' it over. I'm dyeing it anyway, I don't know what makes her think I'm any less defiant now than I used to be when it comes to my hair. It's my hair, dammit, and it will be cute. I effing hate this brown. *GAGS*.

Cory came over at like, 11 last night and watched the boob tube with me. Rather adorable, I tell you. We pretty much just talked things over, as always, until my promethazine kicked in and we went upstairs for me to fall asleep in my bed. I don't even remember him leaving. He did though, of course. I doubt my parents even knew he was there. I know mom wouldn't mind, though, as Cory often comes over so late to talk to me. We barely see eachother in the daytime anymore.

I'm making veggie corndogs downstairs, and I think I just heard the beep. MMmm.
Princess at 6:00 PM

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Tuesday, August 05, 2003
I finished the duct tape backpack. It rocks more than anything I've ever made. More than anything I've ever seen, for that matter. I'm so freakin proud of myself man. Yay for me. I sewed the straps on *with a little help from Cody* and even though that really sucked, I'm pretty sure that it's going to stay! Woohoo!

Yeah, Cody came over today, and that was awesome and a half. We watched the Munsters and stuff, and I totally fell asleep forever and ever because I was so gosh dang tired. He's so way adorable.. he makes me feel so pretty. Oh, and my dog has a crush on him, as usual.

I need to hurry up and dye my hair before school begins, man. Dangit. The question is... how?! Maybe I'll just wait for the bday or something. Hm. If you have any suggestions, leave them on the board. Lord knows I'd love them.
Princess at 10:30 PM

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hold on there- i forgot about my dreams.

last night, i lived back in beech grove. john lived across the street. he came over to get some of his old things, but my mom told him no and banned me from seeing him. there was a plot, and it was a stupid b-movie as usual, but what particularly stands out is how when we finally did get to be togethre and talk, everything was ok. just like in real life, how when it's just us we can forgive, forget, and move on.. until someone else gets involved, and suddenly everything goes to hell. weird. for some odd reason, he keeps popping up in my dreams, and i always forgive him there. then i wake up, and the broken record that is my thought process keeps playing, over and over, "well you fucked it all up, didn't you?" from john. the white cord dangles from every ceiling and the roses that he gave me wither and turn to ash. it's all so effing odd and sudden.

yesterday, there were these odd alien slugs who kept raping my guinea pig, and they produced all these hairy slug babies and pink piggies and stuff. and the pigs lived underwater sometimes. in a fish tank. with neon lights. and i cried and cried to this old voodoo lady *think the store owner in the craft*, and she just said to let nature take its course. i separated them anyway, and the pig babies started growing slug parts. i was so terrified. i am so insane.

there are also, of course, all those weird premonitions i have and more true-to-life things, but who the hell is interested in that? that's what i thought.
Princess at 1:30 PM

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empty emotion and useless devotion
i've lost all simply standing still.
i'm so oversexual and too intellectual
you've sucked out my hope and my will.


blah. i'm so sleepy. took the promethazine last night to sleep, and ended up sleeping until 11. dammit.

so i'm more calm now. more like that negative, narcissistic, obnoxious calm, where i'm still angry. there's a word for that, but for some reason i can't think of it right now. i'm saving the vocab for school.


Princess at 1:12 PM

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Monday, August 04, 2003
i wonder what this school year will be like. hopefully not as horrid as freshman year. dammit that's scary.

i'm so terrified that i'll go back to school and get really really sick again. that i'll start hallucinating again and lose my memory and faint and throw up all over the place. or that my anxiety will come back full force and knock me over like last time. i'm so scared of losing myself again. my creativity. my conciousness. my life.

i can't effing stand people sometimes. today i found a nice little note in my guestbook.
From: eric
Email:
Subject: you suck
Message: first of all..your not attractive nor do you look good in a bathing suit..stop calling yourself a princess.. fatass

hm. wonder which eric that was. pff.not.

you know what i'm totally sick of? people who say they care when i know for a fact that they don't mean it. it's shit. i care for you so much, i think i'll purposely hurt you. it's so hypocritical. my mad hypocritical act that came to me suddenly of the day is from: sam. he said he left me because i was 'hurting' jenn, even though i had no contact with her and loved her more than anything. but he held strong onto john, even though john said some pretty horrid things about sam, and even though john purposely hurt me. that is my big piss off rant of the day, so today, i say "fuck you, mr. sam."

for some reason i've been experiencing all these sudden rushes of anger. i think it's leftover emotion i should've felt a long time ago, when i was uncapable of anything but crying and whatnot. now that i've calmed down and the damn well of tears is drying up, i feel so angry, so vengeful. i want all these little fuckers to experience the pain and wretching that i did. i want to give them the periods, the anxiety, the medicine, the psychosis, the abuse, the thoughts, the calls, the labels, the sicknesses, everything. i want them to be impaled with every single miniscule detail of what they put me through. i want to twist their narrow-minded, self-centered little brains until they are fucked like mine, and watch them fall apart, busting at the seams, breaking and breaking and breaking until they are so lost they can't even function, like me. i want them to know what it is to be trapped in this ugly, marked up body, to be so comatose and so unaware. i want them to be stupid, overtrusting, like me. i want them to face my dad, to watch jerry and kris in the hospital, to take care of my mom, to take in all those glares, to live with nancy, to listen to danny, to wrestle with john, to put up with jenn's shit, to be loved and rejected, to know what it is to have been perfect and ruined. to know what it is to have virtually no one love you. to have everyone mad at you for things you can't control. to scream and scream and scream and have everyone pass them by and ignore. to be stuck between not quite being dead or alive. everything.

good to have that out of my system. i don't even want to re-read it or edit it or anything. it shouldn't be there, out in the open, but it's better than being in my head to fester.

i'm rocking back and forth, brandon and eric echoing in my head that i'm fat and disgusting. cody fighting back with them that i'm beautiful. it's too fast for me to concentrate on. damn me and forgetting to take my meds.

on a final note, there is a party for our old friends in november. i'm the only one not invited. i want them all to die. gr me and my uncontrollable anger. i don't know what's wrong with me.
Princess at 11:26 PM

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some say the end is near. some say we'll see armageddon soon. certainly hope we will. sure could use a vacation from this bull shit three ring circus sideshow of freaks here in this hopeless fuckin hole we call L.A. The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. Any fuckin time, any fuckin day. Learn to swim, see you down in Arizona Bay. Fret for your figure and fret for your latte and fret for your lawsuit hairpiece prozac pilot contract car. it's a bullshit three ring circus sideshow of freaks here in this hopeless fuckin hole they call L.A. The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. Anyfuckin time, any fuckin day. Learn to swim, see you down in Arizona Bay. some say a comet will fall from the sky followed by meteor showers and tidal waves followed by fault lines that fault lines that cannot sit still followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits some say the end is near some say well see armageddon soon certainly hope we will sure could use a vacation from this stupid shit........ one big festering neon distraction, i've a suggestion to keep you all occupied..... learn to swim. learn to swim. {{learn to swim}} fuck l ron hubbard and fuck all his clones fuck all Fuck all those gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.

Learn to swim.

Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.

Learn to swim.

Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional, Insecure actresses. Learn to swim. Cuz I'm prayin for rain, I'm praying for tidal waves. i wanna see it all


Princess at 10:49 PM

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blahblabhlbahblah. sometimes i wonder why everyone says they love me and then say they hate me. hm. people really suck, man.

bobbi wrote on the board. oh, don't worry kids, she left me because of all the horridness i do, apparently. of course. everyone is so glad to recognize how i am so bad but yet have nothing to show me. argharghargh. more on the subject later, i need to take a shower because i smell like lemons *mm yummy lunch*. ta.
Princess at 2:14 PM

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Sunday, August 03, 2003
Today, the Church Adventures of the Butler/Douglass Family went on to explore Southport Presbyterian. Mediocre. I did, however, get to see Brittany Arnold, which is always fun. Gotta love her, fo sho.

Had mah so-loved Panini for lunch today. Mmmm. I needed that.

I made an OCL skirt last night. It's lovely, I tell you! Just lovely! I'm so proud.

Well, TTFN. Love.
Princess at 1:50 PM

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Saturday, August 02, 2003
Sometimes I'm so miserable and I don't know why. All I do know is.... it sucks.

Today the fam *plus Haylee and Brandon's friend Dustin* went to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny Depp-OMG!!!! *orgasms* HE IS SOOOOO HOT! And that makeup and dread thing...... he is just way too good to be true, man.

I bought the metal cabinet, too. Cleaning it was a bitch, because the dust is disgusting. But it's so lovely, and it has little grapes posted all along the interior, too. So adorable.

Today, I've been very tired and miserable the whole time. Of course, Hay was really helping me with that, but my general moodiness was annoying. I hatehatehatehatehate being this way sometimes.

We talked of Jenn, though. And all I had to say was...."that effing bitch. she sold ricci's shoes." And of my late friends that went along with her? "mindless idiots. i was so amazed with them, so proud because i'd finally met some real individuals who weren't afraid to be themselves..... come to find out, they're only followers, which is why they followed jenn and john's sorry asses right out the door." And they are. It never really hit me until the other night, when I was talking to Cody, that they pride on being leaders when they couldn't even hold their own in a tragedy such as this. And they are liars, all of them. They heard my cries of how everyone leaves and consoled me, yet as soon as there is a bump in the road they all do the same. How pathetic. There was even a particular time when Bobbi begged me not to leave her because then she'd be lonely, and of course I promised I wouldn't and so did she. What a joke. She can't even stand up to my face and say anything, she just blocks me and pretends like I'm not alive. So ridiculous. She's been reading my online things, actually. I doubt anyone ever reads the blog though. And if they do, Bobbi, it's the truth.

I saw Courtney Burns at the movies tonight. She's such a doll. I somewhat look forward to seeing all those adorable Freshman at school. You know, the sweet giggly ones. At least I have something to look forward to then.

Well, must go fill the new cabby. Love, and Ta.
Princess at 10:18 PM

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Friday, August 01, 2003
Today Haylee and I did go to the mall, then to Goodwill. We got another pair of adorable shoes..... that match. Hahaha. Yay for us!

We encountered these three guys on the way to Goodwill that were like, talking about us and glancing and stuff, but they didn't notice me waving my middle finger at them in response. Finally, when they were close, this guy tried to hide his effing paper cup in some bush, and man was I mad.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing? Don't litter, you piece of shit. PICK THAT UP!!!."
He just gave me this startled look as we coolly walked away. Turns out they were going the same place. Oops.

Found the world's best metal cabinet at Goodwill, too. I can't wait to buy it tomorrow. Dammit, call me ratty. Malloratty. Argh.
Princess at 10:55 PM

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Went shoppping with Haylee yesterday. Fun, fun, fun I tell you! The only downside: sometimes I forget that I've gained weight. Not that I care, just that oh yeah, I forgot my size. Oh, and also, I couldn't find a damn thing that didn't make my boobs look...... well, like a Dcup. Well, dammit. I forget that too.

Saw quite a few adorable guys, was stared down by a zillion of them. While it's kinda like... woah, I must be doin something right, it's mostly like..... PIG I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!! But that's just me and my issues with being stared at.

I think we're going back today *Cringes at the idea that two days in a row is so mallcore* to see Brendan and buy a damn pair of pants. My mom is going to murder me if I don't buy some pants, I think. When I told her it was a waste because I don't wear them, her eyes turned red. Weird. Guess I'll be looking for a cheap pair of cords to ruin *though she REALLY wishes I would wear jeans- one pair that I don't wear is enough dammit*.

I had a dream that I was at a Tool concert in the middle of some Hot Topic warehouse and our youth pastor beat me up. And for some reason, my childhood dresser was there and all the porcelain dolls broke. And for an even odd reason of which I can't figure out, I wasn't all that interested in the concert. Maybe because the drummer died and Whitey took his place. Weird.

I also went to some local punk show *coughwhichwedon'thaveherecough* and there was a real-live old school circle pit. I jumped in, and dammit it was fun, even if it wasn't real.

I wrote the world's cutest song last night. Give me a fucking band or give me death, man. I'm going nuts with all these songs that I can't do anything with. It's this sudden burst of useless creative energy that is killing me. Argh.

School starts in 12 days.
And so the dreaded cycle that is my life re-begins...
Princess at 10:04 AM

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