Tuesday, September 30, 2003
I. am. six. teen.

le party consisted of insanity in le room, le karaoke machine, le food, le limo, le room again. also: radio disney. cherry condoms. vegetarian chili. peanut butter jelly time. twister. pillows. bras. bum dancing. kylie monogie. chocolate silk pie. razor dog. brendan's hardcore industrial rap. grinding. bday dance. neon lighting. gas station. spanish whores?. me and nikki being hotter than samm and ricci. biting. being ditched. bobbi's video camera. and i'm in love.

my dad sent me a boquet of pink roses and gave me a phone call. he loves me, kids, and he's glad that i was born.

stewart AND fruitball called. i felt so special!

ricci and haylee stayed over. cody came over saturday, then sunday. period started saturday morning. *cunt*, my new book from nikki, changed how i feel about my period. and convinced me that i am destined to study human sexuality. i traded cody a pair of my boxers for the comfy basketball shorts he was wearing under his pants, and his mom now thinks we're fuck buddies. i went to goodwill with brittany monday, and today was a half day. i bought new volatiles and had fun with le bobbetta and dustin. and fufu berry. and taco bell. cody came over after.. when he kisses me, my world melts, and it's so unexpected every single time. it's completely insane. this was going to be my year of independence, and here i am... 'head over heels', dawson. my life is so ridiculously random and surprising. anyway- cody and i watched nightmare before xmas, and then he went home which left me here, researching on common masturbation and intergender sexuality *my studies.. haha*.

and now i spose i'm off to.... god knows what now. love.
Princess at 10:48 PM
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Argh argh argh argh. Ok, so I'm playing around, reading various big-deal entries in bloopdiary, when I come across this:

My entry today has nothing to do with me, so if you only read my diary to know what's going on in my life w.out asking my, todays entry is not for you. Todays entry is about something that I awesomely care about. And although the events I will be speaking about happend when I was 4, believe me I know a lot about it. What's my topic? Kurt Cobains eledged(sp) suicide. Don't think that I am some teenager who just found the beautiful music of Nirvana, because when I was a little kid my brother was very into the whole "grundge" seen, and Nirvana has been listened to for over 10 years in my house.
Finally to the topic.. I have some very high doubts in my mind that Kurt killed himself, and I am convinced that he didn't. Some other views of his untimely death are that, his wife Courtney Love killed him, which I must agree the thought has gone through my mind millions of times, but she was in Rome on the day of his death. So what's my conclusion?! I think that Mr. Cobain escaped from the rehab. clinique he was in, and went back to his seatle home to feed his junkie needs, when a hit man (that I think Courtney hired) shot him, wiped the gun clean, and put it in his hand. I have read the note over and over agian, and seen pictures of the actual note, in which the only part that suggest (indirectly) suicide is in a totaly different handwritting. And futhermore he shot up so much herion that he would have instantly been paralized. (I've done my reasearch!) And there where no burn marks on his hands, which would have been there if he shot the gun at himself, or somewhere else. I still think that Courtney Love is an evil bitch that for some reason hired a man to kill he beautiful husband, that was a wonder to millions of teenagers, to whom he made magical untimely music for. I mean what other man that's been dead for ten years could have a #1 record. I find myself still in awe of him..
Heres the note and underneath it is what it says.

Here is what the note says.

To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpletion who obviously would rather be an emascluated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true . I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd, which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage . I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God believeme I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I dont know! I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be , full of love and joy , kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out then to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy Kurt Cobain Frances and courtney, I'll be at your altar. Pleas keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be so much happier without me. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

R.I.P.
KURT DONALD COBAIN
February 20, 1967-April 5, 1994


Well, after reading the comments *which were even worse and more annoying* this was all I had to say *haha*...

Oooh some of the comments in here are severely frustrating. First of all, let me clear up the fact that "Doll Parts" is about Billy Corgan *as anyone who decided to get off their lazy, judgemental bums would clearly see*. Second of all, the Courtney controversy was created from two obviously uncredible sources: A- the many obnoxious people who decided that this quiet man was simply too good for such an outrageous woman and the unbelievable media coverage and B- the investigation, which, as every investigation must, looked into the possibility of Courtney being responsible, and the unbelievable media coverage that followed that, too. Courtney Love is a loud and opinionated woman who, frankly, pissed off a lot of people who love to create hardships for her. Take this into consideration: all the websites, all the movies, all the so-called "evidence" released to you, the public, is nothing more than Harry Potter fantasy... these sources are not, by any means whatsoever, required to tell you the truth OR release actual evidence! In fact, such evidence is simply NOT RELEASED. And by the way.. did anyone even watch her publicly read Kurt's suicide letter? SHE'S NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ACTRESS, KIDS. Come now... don't let the media brainwash you into thinking these things! Embrace reality: Kurt Cobain was, like many historical figures before him, a suicidally depressed artistic genius. It's a common equation that is not difficult to solve. And because he thought himself to be oh-so-underground, he simply could not handle the exposure in addition to all of his other unhealthy, depressing situations. So yes, while it is absolutely heart-wrenching to have lost such a wonderful inspiration *and I truly believe he was*, don't let your emotions overtake you so thoroughly that you feel the need to blame someone else for satisfaction.
Thank you.
Princess at 6:29 PM

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Friday, September 19, 2003
god i feel so unloved right now and i just want someone to love me.. or even just tosay they love me.... i hate me right now it's disgusting what in the world is this all about dammit someone please love me love me love me i'm so alone all i want is to be loved omg...
Princess at 11:17 PM

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.....ok, this has never happened to me before, but i want to cut my face and i don't know what to do. it's all insanely masochistic, like PLEASE DO IT PLEASE DO IT all over me... i mean, i've been like this all over for a couple of days but omg it's so bad on my face..... and what the world??? it's my face, for god's sake! i want to cry.. god i want to cry so bad but i can't i can't can't can't and i don't know why everything is so fucked up right now dammit omgomgomg my face. i can't breathe. omg. i keep passing out when i stand up adn i'm so scared i don't have anyone to talk to right now cept you, computer, and i'm freaking out i need someone to take care of me and everyone's asleep or not answering their phone or out at a party or something omg omg omg i dont know what to do i haven't felt like this in so long omg......

Princess at 11:11 PM

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Thursday, September 18, 2003
I am officially a computer nerd. I need to get a life, because this is beginning to get to a very sad point. I mean, it was ok in summer when I had nothing better to do while babysitting, but this whole *my*life*can*be*downloaded*on*a*hard*drive* thing is very, very sad.
Princess at 11:06 PM

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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Me: Blah.
My attitude: Self-loathing and sleepy.

These short entries are quite despondent, no? Sorry, kids.
Princess at 6:42 PM

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Tuesday, September 16, 2003
I want to cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut. cunt.
Princess at 7:56 PM

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Um..wow.

Jeanee122: Well let's see....back up about 2 years
Jeanee122: when the four of us girls were friends
ggglittersoresss: yeah
Jeanee122: I want to apologize for everything I've said and done from then to this point
ggglittersoresss: wow.. ok
Jeanee122: I truly am sorry, and I realize more and more how much of a hypocrite I am
Jeanee122: especially lately..this weekend I was drunk, and would've driven if I hadn't passed out...and being drunk is as hurtful to myself as anything else
ggglittersoresss: yeah
Jeanee122: and I had absolutely no right to act like I knew how tough your life has been....cause I haven't lived it...I haven't experienced it, and I haven't even known enough to draw the conclusions I drew
ggglittersoresss: i forgive you hun
Jeanee122: I understand that there's a battle going on about us between our parents, and even though I can't take back anything I said, I want you to know that I'm not fighting anymore
Jeanee122: I did and said a lot of things that were inappropriate
ggglittersoresss: as much as it hurt, i forgave you before now anyway..i understood that it was just something you had to learn.. and i'm glad you've come to these conclusions.
ggglittersoresss: and i love you dear.
Jeanee122: I love you too, and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize how terrible it was for me to keep butting in and giving advice when it wasn't my place
ggglittersoresss: it's ok.
Jeanee122: and thank you for being so forgiving

Princess at 4:36 PM

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ISTEPS= crap crap crappity crap.

Cody= going to let me see his nbook. and he promised to only edit, not take out.

I= writer's block.

The play schedule= confusing.

It's weird, when I started this blog, it began as a way for me to practice and improve on my journaling in more of a memoir style. It's become a real journal, sadly. It's become so much more personal than I ever intended it to be, but the truth is that I kkind of enjoy it. It's odd that everyone can just take random peeks at my life, but it's almost better this way because I'm learning to be more open with myself- with ALL of me. It's odd sometimes though when a person I never expected to give anything about me the time of day comes up and mentions something inhere... but I think it's h elping me understand that some people really do care. So to everyone reading this.....thanks.
Princess at 4:08 PM

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Sunday, September 14, 2003
Greenskysfall: If there is anything you think you want to say, say it now, because I can't and won't be listening for a very long time.
ggglittersoresss: ook. um.. just, i'm sorry, it's good to see you happier, don't date anymore losers, and.. i hope that some day things between us can be better.
ggglittersoresss: anything you want to say?
ggglittersoresss: oh, and watch out for jen.
Greenskysfall: I don't really talk to Jen, and I don't want to talk about either. But out of curiousity, why?
ggglittersoresss: why watch out for her? because i can't.
ggglittersoresss: and...i want to make sure she's taken care of.
ggglittersoresss: and take care of yourself.
Greenskysfall: Keep smiling, its a shame to see you walking around with that frown on your face.
ggglittersoresss: only when i have something to smile for.
Greenskysfall: That is no excuse to not try.
ggglittersoresss: just for you, i will then.
Greenskysfall: Be good
Greenskysfall signed off at 4:10:08 PM

Yesterday: xfest. every insane, concussionized detail later.
Princess at 5:17 PM

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Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Heartbreak.

Abandoned, approx. 6 week old kittens at Ritters- starving, terrified of people, and absolutely beautiful.
I fed them 2 bowls of ice cream. Well, watched them eat it from a distance. And just when I almost had their trust, Le Parental Units say it's time to leave- and not take the kittens to a shelter/home. Mom says some cat-lover will come along and save them... except... I am that cat lover, dammit. How could anyone have such little compassion to leave starving babies on the streets for even just a minute longer? How could she expect me to just be fine about this? I'm not. I can't be.

Heart. Break.


Princess at 10:11 PM

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Monday, September 08, 2003
Oh yeah, I have the greatest news in the world that I forgot:
I FOUND MY FREAKIN DARK DAYS CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Man I love Coal Chamber.

Now I just have to find my Powerman, and my life wil be complete.
Princess at 9:20 PM

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Events that have taken place in the last 24 hours: Pizza hut, youth group, borrring school, play auditions, babysitting the devil children from hell and babysitting my favorite little grrrls in the world. Also.. "Sean pull my ponytail.. cuntcuntcunt."

Interesting events from the weekend: Bobbi's party *did I write about this previously?*, Chad blowing off me and Haylee, Haylee and Cody coming over and sitting around with me all day.. Cody, of course, staying until 4:20 in the morning and Haylee going to bed at some silly time like 12.. Cory coming over at 2 in the morning, and having a fit because it is extremely difficult to try to make me pass out *finally, after maybe 20 times of choking me, it worked*.

Events in the past hour: Discussing with my mom going off to art school in the near future *think: next year*. My mom bringing up her ideas for my birthday party, and me telling her that more than anything, I wanted to go to Rocky.

Yeah, apparently my *Friday night* bday is going to look like this: friends/family (including the people of whom I will not call family but still have to deal with.. namely Douglass psychos) come at 7, family leaves at 9, and then she wants my friends and I to go in.....dun dun dun........ a limo. And I'm thinking.. why? Where does this limo lead, exactly? And what could the purpose be? And then I think... hell, I can go wherever I want with this chauffer, and I can also listen to GRRRL at deafening levels while sticking my tongue out the window and not getting yelled at.... on the way to Baskin Robbins, even. Hm. So, I nodded my head like a good girl, because I truthfully don't know what I want for my birthday anyway. The main goal now is getting enough people there for my grandparents to leave me the hell alone while they're here. So, the adventure of Tyler's open-invitation crazy birthday party begins.

I'm going to go ahead and leave it up to my mom, I guess. I'll invite people, and I'll decide on food *think: mt. diablo, chocolate silk pie w/ chocolate whipped cream, and margarita ice ice cream*, but I'll leave the rest to her. She'll like that.

Well, of to check le email. Love.
Princess at 9:05 PM

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Saturday, September 06, 2003
Cody sucks.
Princess at 5:02 PM

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Went garage-not-for-sale-ing this morning. I got some pink scarves, a couple books, a powder blue jacket, and these really rockin platform mary janes..CALLED ROCKETDOG!!!!!!!!!! OMG, THEY'RE ROCKETDOG!!!!!!! I mean, those are only my favorite words, and my favorite kind of shoes. Ok, so I didn't really need another pair of platform mary janes.. but come on, it was a sign from god, obviously.

I also got Cody a big bird, haha. That used to be his nickname, and he hates it, so I had to get it. I'm so evil.

I can't get hold of anyone. That sucks.

I need to take a shower.
Princess at 2:49 PM

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Friday, September 05, 2003
Sorry about that last entry, it was extremely despondent.

Tonight I did have a lot of fun at Bobbi's Bday Party. She got a videocamera, and we had tons of fun taping every single stupid thing we possibly could. And also a eulogy I gave a possible dead cat in a bag in the canal under the bridge downtown.. well, at least me singing scary opera funeral music to it before running away screaming from a spider. Me, Bob, her momma, Hay, and Sara walked around downtown. Ricci wanted to come with me, too, but when I tried to call, no one picked up :X. Sadness.

Now that I'm home I'm... heartbroken, for some reason. My throat even itches *a huge sign that something isn't right*, and my lips are chapped for no apparent reason *which means I've been biting them like crazy, which is also not a good sign.* I don't know what it is, but whenever I get alone I just.... freak. I can't stand being alone with myself. It's horrible.

Lucky for me, no one who really despises me came to Bobbi's bday. I kinda expected Jenn or John to be there, but Bobbi said they weren't, so I went. Ew speaking of which, I totally heard they slept together, and that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Yuck.It's gross enough that I made the mistake of doing it. What was I thinking?!?F

Well, off to bed. Love.

Princess at 11:13 PM

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Depression eats at me like a cancer.
Princess at 11:05 PM

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Thursday, September 04, 2003
Today was Ms. Bobbi's birthday. I was going to put a sign on her locker, but she got there right when I did *I was running way late* and so I just gave it to her as a card. I made her a happy notebook, too, by collaging the front with the Britney/Madonna kiss and golden nuggets and these pretty embroidered butterflies and whatnot. She was glad, and so my goal was totally acheived. I might be able to go to her bday party tomorrow, too, because nobody that reallyreallyreally hates me is going to be there, so that's happy.

I might be going to Kentucky with Cory though, depending on what my parents say. They usually don't leave until early Saturday morning though, so it's all good in le hood.

I guess Trent's going out with my second cousin Katie, which is totally afflackbated. She's so gross- I mean, she lies about me to all the rest of my family, and she's so trashy to me. So I'm kinda sad; he deserves better. Not like, Bobbi or Haylee better *you know, like, perfect*, just.. better than her.

Yesterday, I wore my normal girl jeans. BIG EFFING MISTAKE. Everyone was staring at my bum all day! I guess they're just not used to seeing it. It was so weird though, and so I'm not going to wear them ever again. Cody made me feel pretty though... he didn't recognize me at first because I don't ever wear anything like what I had on, and he was bum-staring at me and was all like... 'holllly shit!' But then he realized it was me. Which is funny, because it's not that you know, realizing that took away from the bum-prettiness, but... I don't usually show it off, so it was ironic. I totally blushed when he said that, and it was great.

Mr. Cripe asked me to be on Mock Trial today. I think I will. It sounds totally fun. He says I'm "quick enough for it." That made me happy.

I walked home from school again, and I somehow got lost while taking people's backyards. It was fun, but extremely time-consuming. And also, I had to pee like I've never had to pee before, and so that was quite annoying. I was having these insane urges to just pee in some innocent person's backyard and hope no one would notice. Too bad there were so many people mowing lawns, or I would've.

I went to the library last night and picked up some great new books. While I was there, a young-looking librarian approached me to inform me of a new teen reading group she's starting there, and asked if I'd come. It ought to be fun. It's... October 22nd, I think.

I hate it when Cody doesn't answer his damn phone.
Princess at 6:07 PM

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Tuesday, September 02, 2003
Everything is so fucked.

It's Tuesday evening, 11:33, and I'm waiting on my gym clothes to dry. Stupid gym tomorrow. I need to buy a bigger bathing suit.

It's been awhile, but I've been busy/sick. Friday Haylee came home with me afterschool, and then I napped the rest of the night for some odd reason. Saturday, Chad and Cody came over, and we went with Hay, Becky, and their cousin *plus her kids and her friend* to the fireworks downtown. We also made a stop in ghettoville to afford Becky some action. **..Wiggers, don't stare me down. You can't handle this, and you don't want to either.** Arrived home around 11, and Hay ordered herself, Cody, and I some pizza and breadsticks. It didn't come until maybe 12:45, so by the time Cody went home, it was 3, and Haylee and I just about passed out from over-eating. I, of course, had a stupid bout of idiotbulemia, followed by a short psychoattack. I though my face was falling off? Hm. Of course, I was so sick the next day that I could hardly get out of bed, and still cannot hold down any food. I guess my body's just jumping at the opportunity to vomit.

This morning I ran out of first period science to puke, and Katie Dill came in to make sure I was ok and found me bawling my eyes out. Upon returning to the classroom, she said, "Well, at least we know you could never be bulemic." I felt so stupid right about then. What was I ever thinking, making myself vomit??? It's so gross. Just like cutting.

Oh, and everyone in the world seems to be having cutting relapses lately. It's like they're everywhere, just laughing at me.. I've bled and you haven't. I want to scream. And my razor suddenly disappeared. I think I used it to cut duct tape for Ricci's lunchbox, but I distinctly remember putting it back, so I don't know. Maybe I slipped and told someone and they stole it again. Damn razor whores.

I know I shouldn't even keep the stupid things, but I just feel like.... like I have to. Like I'm lost without them. I always need them just in case. In case what I'm not sure, but they give this added sense of security like nothing else could. Except for sleeping in the same bed with someone, and even then, you know they couldn't save you from a panic/psychoattack or disassociation *unless it's megan- man she rocks*. Maybe I'm just being ridiculous.

My stomach is killing me. Miss Flo is here for her monthly visit, and so I am even sicker than I already was. Gag Gag Gag. And I can't take my anti-vomit meds, either, because of the way they put me to sleep. Which sucks. Everything just sucks right now. It would be the general cynical and sarcastic mood from the Ponstel. It makes me such a bitch. I'm so glad I don't care.

I'm so glad Cody doesn't care.

Every other guy throws a hissy and acts like it's THIER period and their horrible medicines and episodes of insane painpassingoutvomiting. But Cody.. he thinks my attitude it funny, which I'm extremely lucky for, and will actually hug me instead of just wrinkling his nose like I'm a leper or something. He is so freaking awesome. I love being loved.

Spending all my time working on an advice book for petty girls, organizing my memoir, and looking into colleges/scholarships. I'm way too eager to get out of here.

.....*Darling, give me your absence tonight.*........
Princess at 11:59 PM

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