Tuesday, October 28, 2003
and just so you know...
twinkies ARE SO the answer.
Princess
at
9:48 PM
*****************
i remember you, never stopped thinking about why you weren't here. i remember everything. all the inside jokes, all the crazy plans, all the cute party ideas, all those point systems, every sleepover, every study couple, every prank phone call, every biodome recitation. i remember the way your anorexia never showed around me. the way you could go so long before eating until we sat down together and ate three boxes of waffles and a pint of ice cream. all that butter, syrup, powdered sugar. remember the time we had froot loop waffles? i haven't eaten a waffle since. and you know what? they're still my favorite food.
a lot of our moments were circled around food. sneaking a jug of milk upstairs in your room before your mom caught us. hiding a box of froot loops from your brother in plain view. special brownies in fashion and textiles that you brought to class on halloween. i remember the dazed look you had in your eye, your skinny pigtail buns bouncing, and your loud announcement: "i'm high!"
i remember all about that class. the way you swore on high heavens that ms. work-on-a-man was wearing a curtain dress, swearing that you'd seen them at a hotel once. the way we grilled her on important curtain and hotel information, when she mentioned gone with the wind and we almost peed our pants. the way we always peed our pants. the hours we spent buying materials for that class, playing dracula in hancock's fabrics with leftover black velvet scraps. that was the night we asked the ladies at the dollar store for condoms. you were trying to learn to lip read, and i remember that through the glass, as we were leaving, you saw her say 'condom' and we died laughing.
remember singing 'i will survive' at the top of our lungs in the cafeteria during istep when all the study hall kids had to have class in there? the way we stuffed all our scraps in between the table before you snipped off a beak, and i kept screaming that you had decapitated it. that song, and all its glory. remember how many times we had to sew and resew those damn duck vests because we were so horrible? and the time when you told ms. work-on-a-man that you were having 80 kids and making all their clothes, and the look she gave you? remember the time you accidentally said 'COMMUNITY' after she did during notes and she freaked out about how she didn't like being made fun of? i remember gossiping about nick and mikey, even, and the time that vera-deche or whatever didn't know where she lived. and the time that she asked me if i knew where she was from. remember that horrible, cheesy laundry movie we watched at the end of the semester that was suppossed to be a detective story, and the way we kept howling with laughter? "LAUNDRY-LAUNDRY-LAAAUNNNNDRRRYYYYYY!!!" remember when i got in that fight, and you took off running? i can't help but laugh about it. you tried to deny it, it was so funny.
remember biology? mr. brendle would call us squirrels. we called him brendel fly. remember that one time when he stormed out of the room and slammed the door? i've never been more scared of a quiet person. and that piece of paper that we kept in the drawer, always checking on it to see who was signing it. we had michael jackson, adam sandler, and a big, hairy, cock. we always hid things in those drawers. pocket buddies, we called them. sometimes in the hoodies of those oversized sweatshirts we always wore. i remember the time you poured that giant box of nerds you got from daniel in the pocket of your overalls on nerd day, when samm was the ultimate nerd. remember how he and i switched glasses, and he saw them on me and got excited how i had the same pair? i remember our brief obsession with four letter words. we renamed everyone but bobbi, who we could only think to call bobb or boob, neither of which we could resort to. and jonathan said he'd like to call cody and cory four letter words, so we kicked him out of the table. we asked mr. brendel all the time to the dances, and he would always say he was working. we had his home phone, and we used to call him all the time, which we found so hilarious. "wing it," we'd say, handing eachother the phone and squeezing in to hear the damage. the time when you said you were jamal out of nowhere and that you wanted shaquina's money. i cracked up- i had no idea you could be so ghetto! we pranked cory so many times that he began to recognize even our fake voices, even if we had someone else totally different actually talk. when you went through your brief blow-job obsession, and we called at one in the morning and told him to come over to do it, and he said he was too tired. we made fun of him so bad. remember that one time when we thought it would be so cool to put busta rhymes in your fish lamp and couldn't get him out?? we tried to hard to not make it noticeable when your mom walked in.
and our fights. i loved our fights, even. they were so comical. i couldn't really get mad at you, we were just both so bitchy. remember the time that i ripped up your note right in front of you at the lunch table? the way we would maul eachother and everyone in our way. rip out eachother's hair, cracking up. the time you choked me at the christmas party. i chased you into my backroom and we knocked over all those drinks on the pool table. john and his fake seizures there. and cory nude in the snow. ugh, you and eric.
how about lunch reunion parties? those were great. mm sugar cookies, and free lunches. remember when you did that really long flexed arm hang in front of the cafeteria, and i just hung there for a second,and we got free stickers? i still have mine. everyone thought we were crazy. especially at dances. remember the boa? we played jump rope with it, and all that fun corny seductive dancing. they always threatened to kick us out. and i had that asthma attack and we were laughing really hard, and they thought i was drunk? how bout our scam to be the most notorious fake lesbians in school? when we made out infront of the auditorium. and no one noticed. we would make out to prove to people that we were lesbians even when our boyfriends were nearby. you asking whitey on the phone how to masturbate, and him trying to give you bogus advice. and losing that dang marble.
the point system. we renamed them 'lepley' and 'samm' points, and kept score on everyone important, like greedy dixy and ency and daniel. what did we call him, after all? we never really decided on a name. we'd trade off the lists, cracking up over the huge losses and gains we'd give people over stupid shit. none of it made sense to anyone else but us. they just kind of gave us that confused look, and we'd die laughing. the looks that our stalkees would give us. mark. ryan. the hot german guy. the way you were so heartbroken when ency screwed mark. remember how ency became a bad word? along with dad? everyone was so confused when we'd call them dads.
that time at the veteran's day thing when we ow-owed at all the veterans walking down the aisle, me accidentally clad in my favorite 40's dress and pin curls. remember when we would throw tampons into the crowd at pep rallies? people never cease to be terrified of our tampons- they still remember, are scarred for life. remember the time when we decided to test the efficiency of the velcro pads at lunch with pink milk strapped to your hand, and you accidentally got marinara all over it? after that, we walked around parading you, waving your pad-hand homecoming princess-style. we always laughed so hard together.
after you left, i kept a journal for you. so that you wouldn't miss anything that happened at school while you were in the hospital. i took every single detail down. i remember how shattered i was when i realized that you would never get it. i kept a page that, at the top, was labeled "i wish...". i put little stars all down the side, listing what i wished you were there for along with the time and date. you'll never know how many times i just wanted to get myself admitted to be with you. i had to restrain myself from writing that in there. but really, all i wanted was to be there with you. i felt you crying, i felt you alone. i felt you not laughing. we called it telepathetic.
when i met you again, a different you, the other night, you remembered that word. telepathetic. and your fate was visible, our donuts out together. it all felt so right to be there with you, and you looking at everyone and proclaiming the fact taht you and i had the most inside jokes of anyone in the entire world. through my tears, i agreed. i had so many dreams about us meeting there, it scares me. i was so crushed when you ignored me there over the summer, because i thought my dreams were all wrong. but no. there it was, our telepatheticness in action, assuring me that everything was real.
i missed you more than i'd ever missed anything.
more than i missed my dad.
more than i missed my childhood.
more than i missed any boy ever.
i missed you because...
you're my other half.
i love you.
Princess
at 9:44 PM
*****************
1. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? for now, tyler lanee douglass. when i turn 18, i'm changing it. that way no one can find me. or that way i won't be a douglass.
2. WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? wow i'm acutally wearing pants to answer this question!!! they're green cords, super comfy and soft and not squeezy on my big butt.
3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? kris and annie talk about drawing some animal. kris says "a fox has a tail and leg, but put his head in like you're doin a cat." annie: "he can't walk on two legs, he needs more. is it ok if we just draw his head?" kris: "no, not ok. we need a whole body. hey, you're spossed to do it this way! HEY, YOU CAN'T RESTART THAT! I'LL JUST DO IT. how bout you do the moon, ok? the moon is very easy. and DON'T MESS UP." annie: "i won't kris." *time passes* "um, what am i drawing again? can i draw silly stuff on it? can i color it in? because that's how i like it." "no." "but you colored those in!" "but.. i'm drawing the head."
4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE NUMBER? 6552
5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? a frosty. and a toasted wheat cracker.
6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? one of those crazy mixers that are like one color with dots of other stuff in them. i would be.. pink with black and silver dots, i think. and glitter!
7. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? hm. um, cory? or cody. one or the other.
8. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX! mm hair, height, anyone wearing makeup or fishnet, and pretty eyes. and mannerisms. it's a silmulatenous operation, i don't know which comes first.
9. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU THIS? i ub my gwoupie!!!
10. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? i'm so effing good. then again, i'm shattered because i didn't get my effing license. damn my multiple moods.
11. FAVORITE DRINK? strawberry daquiris and fufu berry, oh and sparkling white grape juice and ghiradelli's hot chocolate *bob- jones is a trend now??*
12. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? strawberry daquiris. to get drunk and not to drink, however, vodka works quite well. sky, preferably, because that stuff doesn't burn as bad and if you spill it all over yourself *like you might if you're drunk* it just kind of evaporates and it's so freaking cool.
13. FAVORITE SPORT? mm do bedroom sports count??
14. HAIR COLOR? right now mine is like ugly disgusting brown with blonde in it. as soon as i get my damn license and paycheck, i'm dyeing it. well, when i can decide, too. my favoritest that i ever had was when it was all barbie pink.
15. EYE COLOR? *like bob* i have blue/green/gray eyes. they change, it's fun. more than anything in the world, i like huge deep chocolate eyes, like ricci's and jenn's and nikki's. they're just so mesmerizing.
16. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? mhm. i want pretty cat eye ones, because those would be way fun, or maybe some with little stars in them because then i could be starry-eyed *giggles*.
17. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES? kris-5. brandon-14. katy-16. lisa-17. (soon to be 17 and 18). joe-24. sarah-29?
18. FAVORITE MONTH? i dunno. anything that isn't winter. i like being out of school, i like warmth, and i like rain. and i like my birthday and halloween.
19. FAVORITE FOOD? pink cotton candy, mt. diablo from my mom, pizza in chicago, taco bell, paninis from fazoli's, fruit, curly fries, breadsticks!!, waffles *only with jenn..*, goldfish, triscuits, nachos, margarita ice ice cream from baskin robbin's, hot fudge, veggie burgers from this deli i found in madison, wi.. actually anything from there tastes good because there are toys flying from the ceiling *giggle*, cinnamon sugar, sprinkles, sesame seed pretzels from auntie anne's *with cheese*, melted cheese, lucky charms, honey bunches of oats, sour gummi worms without gelatin, bubble gum, red suckers, cheetos, cooler rancho doritos, jelly bellys *sour, thanx*, pez, nesquick powder, dove chocolate *um whoever heard of a soap company making food?*, china garden, guacamole, veggie corn dogs, cherries, and lots of other stuff of which i don't feel like writing. ha, yeah, i LOVE food.
20. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? rosemary's baby.
21. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? halloween! and new year's!
22. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? i don't ask people out, thanx, but it's not because i'm shy.
23. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer. i hate being cold and love being out of school.
24. HUGS OR KISSES? both, constantly. i believe firmly that a person cannot survive on bread alone...that he needs hugs to make him um, not hungry anymore i guess. and kisses are just the happiest thing alive. especially when someone special kisses you. hugs and kisses are so little, but they just fix so much, it's crazy. i love it when strangers hug me, or someone who i didn't expect to hug me or kiss me on the cheek *in a non weird non suggestive way*, because it totally makes my day. and there's this bird i know that.. when he kisses me, everything in the whole world is better.
25. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? hm. typically, i hate relationships. but it would be hypocritical of me to say that right now, even though i'm not really in one really. one night stands are ideal for several reasons, but at the same time, if the sex/person is really mind-blowing.. it should be for more than one night. so hm. i perfer.. both?
27. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS SURVEY? *shrugs*
28. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? no one, considering i'm not sending it.
29. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS? mommy, jerry, brandon, kris, robert-hamtaro *my piggie*, and priscilla grace *my puppy*.
31. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? 'wicca for the solitary practicioner' and 'cunt'. i need to go to le library. oh, and 'mind and society fads' and some study of human violence on the side.
32. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? some weirdo pink dot with a white dot in it. i think it's spossed to be a star. and then there is this really cool squishy thing, and it feels like gel, but when i scratch it, sandy sawdust comes out.
33. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? um i babysat for evil children and then talked to mah jenn. and watched rosemary's baby and didn't sleep.
34. FAVORITE SMELL? cody. cotton candy. that stuff at bath and body works that smells like grape tylenol. lavender. incense. cory. rain. cinnamon. chili. anything else that reminds me of being a little girl. oh, and the sea. i don't know, smells give me memories. the only one that doesn't is cody, and then i'm just kind of in a daze after smelling him. like sometimes i smell him on my duck pillow, and it helps me sleep. mm.
35. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? if i use my finger. i can lick the side of my face, though ;).
36. WHAT INSPIRES YOU? my emotions. my strange traumaticly eventful life. my friends. cody. beautiful real-life role models. marilyn, bettie. music. my goddess. i find inspiration in everything.
37. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? i dun really like popcorn. but when i want it out of nowhere, like at the movie theatre when you just want it because everyone else has it and it's so tempting and for some reason it just seems right, i totally splurge and go nuts with butter and salt. at home though, i really effing love sugared popcorn.
38. FAVORITE CAR? twinkiemobiles and batmobiles. it just doesn't get any cooler, dude. oh yeah, and that partridge bus. that thing was just like, the epitome of happy road trips.
39. FAVORITE FLOWER? black roses. i dunno, i don't really like flowers except for sometimes when i'm outside in one of my mom's gardens and nature just kind of awes me for awhile, then i love them. i'm just not like.. easily romanced with them or whatever like most people.
40. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? i dun have one.
41. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? moosic. moovies. cody. happy friends. when scars go away. weightloss. blood. butterflies. bettie. candy. sugar. love. hugs and kisses. riot grrrlism. love. learning. studying alternative cultures and religions. writing. poetry. being a muse. playing dress-up. painting, drawing. making people feel better. animals. people who are so hardcore into their religion that they want to show its beauty to everyone. glitter. hot pink. barbies. torture. bondage. sexiness. feeling pretty. when xtian sends me poems. fishnet. hair. renovating clothes. figuring out stuff, like html. giggling. when people are random. when cory out of nowhere reminds me that he still cares. hair dye. tattoos. piercings. long nails. playing like little kids. whipped cream fights. brad pitt. shopping. topless driving. sound effects. inside jokes. all kinds of stuff.
42. WHAT TIME IS YOUR "GOLDEN" TIME OF THE DAY? two in the morning. i get really happy and hyper. i have so much fun right around then.
43. WHAT MAKES YOU SAD? sad friends. my sad emotions. seeing my friends hurt themselves in ways that make me miserable. betrayl. lies, liars. abandonment. watching someone else cry and knowing you can't do anything about it. forgetting about important things. panic, being stressed out. not being able to find my cds. when my dog eats my room. abused animals. when people eat dead animals. actually, i'm kinda happy right now, so i don't want to think about it.
ha boredom... love.
Princess
at 5:27 PM
*****************
ok so... i just failed my driver's test, and that really sucked. and i am really upset. my goal for today was to be self-sufficient and drive myself down to the library to turn in my damn books that i finished a billion years ago, but since i failed, i can't do that. and so my goal of the day is ruined.
i knew today was too perfect.
he wrote me a note today, saying.. he's done being so guarded around me. he's going to trust me completely. i feel so effing honored. and.. he says he's going to act like we're in a relationship, and be totally committed to me, but that i don't have to feel obligated to do the same. i was thoroughly blown away. here it is, just what i wanted. only more, because..it's cody. pure love, selfless and unjealous. all those things in the bible..
*1 corinthians 13:4-7*
--love is patient, love is kind and envies no one. love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude, never selfish, not quick to take offence. love keeps no score of wrongs, does not gloat over other men's sins, but delights in the truth. there is nothing love cannot face, there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.--
word for word, it's all true, all there. everything and more that i've ever been raised to seek out, it's right here in my best friend and i can't even begin to describe how beautiful it is. god. goddess. thank you.
i wrote about it today. it was weird, the first thing i'd written ever that just wasn't.. melancholy. like suddenly i'm awake, bright-eyed, aware. i'm. in. love. and out of nowhere, i'm just....awake. maybe it'll just be for today, or just for awhile, but it's so great, i don't even care.
*sigh*
Princess
at 4:14 PM
*****************
Monday, October 27, 2003
her: im coming back
her: in january
me: holy crap that's so awesome
her: yea
her: how are you
me: dude cory just called me and asked me if you were there today.... i'm ok, just got home from stupid babysitting with the spawn of satan
me: *gah*
her: i was there today
me: dude, you totally just said that
me: lol
her: he didnt even say hello
me: he was really confused
her: lol
me: he was like.... we made eye contact, i'm pretty sure that was her
me: how are YOU?
her: lol im swell
her: i just got engaged
me: OMG
her: i know!
me: THAT'S SO EFFING AWESOME
her: yea i know
me: is there like, a ring envolved here?
her: well a temporary one
me: i haven't even approved this guy yet, young lady!
me: its a real diamond
her: holy crap
her: but were getting a 1 1/2 carot next year
me: holy....male part
her: thats a big diamond
her: lol
me: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
me: i knowWW!
me: lol
me: um, pretend those Ws aren't there
her: but the one i have is just a promise ring
me: lol a promise ring
me: that's way cute
her: i know
me: dude.... i can't even believe you're coming back
me: that's nuts
her: well im out..hes sleeping on the couch
her: i know
me: lol alright
her: i already talked to my mom about you, she said we can make a mense but no hanging out outside of school
me: ok
her: crap tho
her: oh well
me: yeah
her: i must go for now love
me: ok....love!
me: *kisses*
me: bye
her: kisses to you too
her: later
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......woah.
i get home from church and am greeted with that. mmm makes me happy. almost makes up for the evil children i had to watch today. kinda. anyway, i can't wait to see her again.
lalala people keep asking me questions about subjects i don't particularly feel like answering. like cody. and jenn. i'm back to square one, back to so long ago when my life only consisted of these two. it's laughable, almost. an entire year of shit and heartbreak to end up right where i was a year ago.
well, that's enough silliness for moi. before i go, i send cute conversations from boobitta evans..
x0DBK always0x: toenails are much hotter. je regrette.
x0DBK always0x: er..i'm sorry.
ggglittersoresss: *gasp*
ggglittersoresss: lol
x0DBK always0x: lol. i'm in the french speaking mood :-X
ggglittersoresss: no, don't be sorry, say lotsa stuff in french. i enjoy not understanding it, and just kind of... being in awe at its beauty.
x0DBK always0x: aw, lol.
x0DBK always0x: hm. now that i'm trying to speak it, i 'unno what to say.
x0DBK always0x: je veux lecher tes orteils, ma cherie.
ggglittersoresss: see, no one ever uses their spanish skills in a regular conversation. that would be because spanish is a dickface. there is nothing hot or moody about spanish, it just kind of.. tags along, mocking our etymology.
ggglittersoresss: oooooooh.
x0DBK always0x: lol.
x0DBK always0x: that meant i want to lick your toes, my love.
x0DBK always0x: mooha!
ggglittersoresss: ooooooooh dude that was really effing hot
x0DBK always0x: you should hear it :-*
ggglittersoresss: see, in spanish, it would be something boring. i don't even know how to say lick or toes. and that just sucks. i can't say a damn suggestive thing. agh.
ggglittersoresss: i can say.....um..... pretty much the carress me down song from memory, and that's about as fun as spanish gets right there.
x0DBK always0x: hahaha. that's neat :-P
ggglittersoresss: i wish
x0DBK always0x: je t'aime, ma princesse.
ggglittersoresss: *blush*
x0DBK always0x: mooha.
ggglittersoresss: *jigs*
ggglittersoresss: woah i almost wrote jugs there
x0DBK always0x: lol!
ggglittersoresss: which would make sense, because mine are huge
x0DBK always0x: -jugs- mooha.
ggglittersoresss: ha, that's what my mom calls me. isn't that horrible?
x0DBK always0x: it is.
x0DBK always0x: j'adore tes chaussures. fait comment ils goûtent?
ggglittersoresss: *melts*
x0DBK always0x: I love your shoes. How do they taste?
ggglittersoresss: lol
x0DBK always0x: Je veux toi. Dans moi.
x0DBK always0x: I want you. In me.
ggglittersoresss: OW-EFFING-OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
x0DBK always0x: Ne faisez pas me compte à trois encore.
x0DBK always0x: Don't make me count to three again.
ggglittersoresss: aww that's so cute
x0DBK always0x: :-*
x0DBK always0x: fusée-chien
x0DBK always0x: rocket dog
ggglittersoresss: OMGOMGOMG
ggglittersoresss: YOU HAVE TO TEACH ME HOW TO SAY THAT
x0DBK always0x: will do :-*
ggglittersoresss: my new life goal is to learn how to say rocket dog *or dog licked rocket* in every single language
x0DBK always0x: chien léché fusée. dog licked rocket. Mooha.
ggglittersoresss: WOOHOOOOOO
x0DBK always0x: Dustin est une porte.
x0DBK always0x: Dustin is a door.
*
x0DBK always0x: i'm trying to think of other funny things..
ggglittersoresss: you dun have to think anymore, bob, because this princess needs to attend her royal throne and enjoy her royal feast
ggglittersoresss: **i mean, pee and eat reheated pizza**
Princess
at 9:36 PM
*****************
this isn't very good, but i'm going to post it simply because today was the first time in a long time where i didn't really write anything negative at all. so yeah, none of these have titles yet either.
*
fall.
it has come,
time of theyear that
i await in anxiety
but sweetest nostalgia.
color spectrums abound
every green red orange yellow brown
i absorb
so delectible to the taste.
the time where the leaves
are
bunched into piles
and i can fall there
like there is no need to catch me.
even pines are exfoliating,
yearly facials for our mother earth
creeping up,
like a season-long mother's day gift given late.
sun casts a yellow lens
on the dying khaki grass
and red tones sparkle in my hair.
violet rosebushes
float out
their plum pigment
to my lips, who celebrate the fall in return.
cheeks, frosting porcelain and
pink
like a pretty shelved doll, skin cold thick chalky.
adore
my fall
to the bottom
of the crunching piles of leaves.
mm fall.
*
you force it on me
and those old tendencies are
suddenly flying out the window.
watching my
single indulgences
sprout wings,
gravitating to that window
i decide
i want to jump on out with them.
take you with me,
grab you by the wrist
and force YOU
out at my side.
we plunge down stories
passing
all their neighboring lives;
open glass for all the world to see
strung out lines
of laundry
catch my rings
vined through your fingers.
together we fall
endless pit..
let's just not confine ourselves
to that cubicle of relational normality;
let's jump.
*
thoughts
arrive with the sunrise
light
rose-colored
beauty
to invade my darkness.
thoughts
of you
kiss my wounds
shatter my heart
explode me
bind me
a million ways
trippy dali-style.
surrealist slouching
i ask if i may paint you into
a picture in my mind,
place you in one spot
for all eternity.
can you stand
still,
true to me?
be the finger of the sistine chapel,
don't pull away and lose
your diety,
don't come too close
to me,
your fear,
your goddess.
i'll ornament you
in all the ways i wish
you would lavish me.
be my diety?
*
yeah, that's not all of it, but i have a carmel apple and a rules of the road *tomorrow is the test* waiting for me. love.
Princess
at 4:51 PM
*****************
my hair smells of autumn. bonfires, dead leaves, and laundry detergent. it's lovely.
took the long way home today. i think i'm determined to have more people ask me if i've lost weight. that question just feels so good. it's disgustingly vain, and that is why i won't let it get out of hand like before. but i think these daily ridiculously long walks are contributing to the regression of my bulemia. or i would like to think so.
today's poetry later.
Princess
at 4:23 PM
*****************
Sunday, October 26, 2003
i want to be kissed
i want to be hugged
licked bitten sucked
i want to be shot out into the sky
up up up onto a pedestal
and dropped
like the hoe i know i am.
kiss, kissing your feet
your ass
give me the love i know i don't deserve.
my wants
i want
you just you
kiss me love me touch me embrace me
this hoe,
this cunt,
this slut..
us all, we yearn for superior touch.
up here, on this pedestal,
looking down to the top of your dark roots
i see
more than i ever wanted to.
give me
back my dumb hoe nature.
i beg,
put me back
in line with all the other
sluts who
long for your dick
who writhe on the ground in sight of me
too tall in my whore spiked heels
standing taller than i should.
jump back in line
from where my free spirit has
led me
to you
a diagonal bliss.
chastise me please
for stepping out too far
crossing that line
those boundaries
back there on the other side
my life
my dumb hoe desires
and you
face to face
with my back,
back to face
maybe i'll go
maybe i'll
go.
dumb hoe written on my forehead
like a walking billboard
it's branded
everywhere on me
and you know
and i know
i can't go far
in these stiletto spiked heels,
anyway.
i could walk walk away
right now
but how far would i be
before they snapped
and i'd come crawling back
writhing on the floor
like the hoe we know i am
just for you,
my lord,
just for you.
Princess
at 9:51 PM
*****************
bob says fuck me. i say fuck me.
i'm dumb.
i know it.
but everytime he tells me something, i believe it.
and i can tell myself i don't believe it,
can tell him i don't believe it,
but it would be lying.
and i hate lies.
and cody is just a guy.
but..
not to me.
cody and i have something,
we have roots,
we have...
future.
everyone lies.
i just have to get used to it.
he stays here in indiana for me,
he should be in kentucky
but stays because he can't leave me
and at least that much i know is true.
bob says i've changed him.
i don't know what i've changed.
she says i changed john.
like i wanted it.
like i wanted it.
like i wanted his horrible shit.
like i wanted it.
i hate it when people change.
if they do it for me, i don'tknow why.
i don' t know how it happens.
maybe i should go back to
antisocialism.
back to when my life consisted of
study and silence
and composure
and polite poise.
when i clammed up
and refused to let anyone see me.
i don't think that causes any changes in any of my loved ones.
did i change xtian?
i don't know.
i haven't known him that long.
all i know is that
i just want to lead
a happy
oblivious
life
where everyone will get the hell off my back.
i just want happy.
i want those around me to be better.
i want to stop being sorry all the time
for things i can't control.
i want out.
out of me.
out of this.
i wanted revenge
i wanted him to feel that wrath
i wanted him to hurt for what he did to us
but i couldn't
i couldn't
i couldn't
i am too weak.
i wish i could be strong like bob,
to just be able to pick up and leave
no questions asked
no goodbyes
no nothings.
i can't do that.
not when i've finally found someone
who won't leave.
what kind of person would i be
to leave him
after all the times i made him swear on
everything
that he would not leave me????
i can't abandon him
the way
i've been abandoned so many times.
i can't.
i wish
to some degree
that i could've.
she'll be fine
and i won't.
he'll be fine
and i won't.
i never am.
it's too unfair.
i don't want to hurt anyone
i just don't know what i can do
without hurting someone.
and that wrath..
it doesn't last long.
it's part of what's wrong with me
it's part of being the day before starting my period.
i'm still mad at him though
and he knows that.
the way it hurts him..
is that punishment enough?
to know that he hurt
the most important people in his life,
the most amazing being in the world *bob*?
it would be for me.
i would die.
i am dying.
yesterday,
on all that medicine,
i couldn't think.
i couldn't think.
i couldn't breathe,
constant panic
and for the first time
since i was a little girl
i could feel my heart pounding from outside my chest.
i could not stop crying.
i spoke to him
how much i burned with rage, fury
at him
and i know that has to hurt.
he hates upsetting me
upsetting her
but i think i hate it more.
this is long and rambling.
i hope no one has the boredom and time to read it
because it probably won't make much sense anyway.
bob wants to go back
to her internet friends
and she can.
so easily
could she jsut pick up her bags
and leave me
leave him
leave everything behind
like we never really existed
just a long nightmare.
in her memory i will serve
as the bad one.
i think,
in everyone's memory,
i can serve as nothing else.
the bad one.
the devil.
the bitch.
that is why jenn can't see me.
that is why john treated me the way he did.
why my dad hates me.
why everyone does.
i hate it when people call me cute
because
they will not remember me that way
for long anyway.
i hate this,
hate me.
dammit.
Princess
at 4:27 PM
*****************
washing up
washing off
I wash myself of his
wishy-washy entity.
washing up
rinsing down
He bathes me
in acidic deceit.
I wash my hands of this.
Princess
at 3:56 PM
*****************
[PUNK]
Tell me about that time you broke that law! Too many to name right now.
What or who pisses you off? a wide variety. liars. bussing. rudeness. indy radio.
Would you rather date a sissy or a homebody? considering i don't know what a homebody is and i hate sissies.. i have no idea...
Sex or drugs or breaking stuff? sex on drugs. though the breaking stuff while in the process idea sounds rather lovely...
The Clash or The Ramones? argh that's difficult.
What do you think about Anarchy? fucking idiotic. if there is no government to opress the people, there is no government to protect the people. does no one ever factor in rape, stalking, or rampant crime??
Tell me about a prank you played! the time i told my brothers that the OCL was the society of old cranberry ladies who milk dogs and have great toenail clipping initiation ceremonies is one of my favorite.
Do you do things that are "bad for your body"? mm does SI count? promiscuous sex? unnatural drugs? unhealthy dieting? bulemia?
How many times have/were you kicked out of that place?! what place?
Are you in trouble all the time? for the most part, yes.
[GOTH]
Do you want to die? truthfully, yes.
What do you think about graveyards? mm good for picnics and prayers.
Do you write poetry often? daily.
How much black clothing do you own? a ridiculous amount.
What type of makeup do you wear? it depends of the day.
What do you think about pain? i adore it, i crave it, i am it.
Masochism or sadism? there's a reasong for the phrase s AND m. *love my sadomasochism..*
How do you feel about the rest of the world? i try not to think about it.
Do you cry often? sadly, yes.
What do you think about vampires? yummy.
[METAL]
How messy are you in general? terribly. more messy than anyone else i've ever met.
Do you bang your head on things repeatedly? all the time.
When did you start drinking alcohol? at too young an age.
Do you go to concerts often? not really. i should, but i don't find anything locally that i like well enough to pay for.
What bands rock your pants off? jack off jill. hundreds of others.
What do you think about violence? it depends. i have bad violent memories, but i'm a sadomasochist and like violent sex *that's not deep-seeded, do you think??*
Who or what makes you homicidal? annoyance. hallucinations. my rage. period pain.
Worship Satan or practice black magic? mm no, though i do love satanism and practice real magick.
How wild are you in general? extremely wild. ex. treme. ly.
[GRUNGE]
Are you wearing any clean clothes right now? not even close.
How often do you do the laundry, anyway? once every three to four months.
Do you wear flannel shirts a lot? shirts no. pants yes.
When was the last time you showered? i have no idea. days upon days ago.
Do you speak clearly? very clearly.
Are you a lazy person? quite.
Do you play an instrument? i quit guitar, if that's what you mean. though i can play a mean tap shoe. and a mean role. and a mean boy.
Who or what do you rant about a lot? my uncontrollable impulses. my feelings. annoyances. people who buy anarchist merchandise.
Empathy or Sympathy? both very strongly.
What do you think about Nirvana? good times. kurt=sexy.
[INDIE]
What makes you different from the rest of them? my talents, my outlooks, my leadership, my insight, and my tastes.
Who or what makes you bitter? how many different ways can we ask this question? now that i think about it, though, powerful corporate white men sell me bleached, earth-polluting tampons and pads and try to convince me to hate my body and that REALLY EFFING PISSES ME OFF.
What was the last big decision you made? can't leave my love.
Are you a happy-go-lucky type of person? some of me is. damn my mood swings.
What do you think about conformity? i am so anticonformity.
How hard do you work to get what you want? very very very hard.
What do you resent? dammit why don't we ask me again? i resent this question. i resent time. i resent inflexibility. i resent my weak points. i resent myself. i resent having such little control. i resent what school does to me. i resent my pain. i resent medication. i resent country music. i resent liars. i resent relationships. i resent abuse. i resent my bad decision making skills. i resent being a role model.
Why might some people consider you to be an asshole? i am way too frank. and some people have no sense of humor the way i do.
Do you trust others? i trust too easily. though lately it's become a sad kind of trust, sick after the way john mangled it. it depends on what i'm trusting who with.
Are you a loyal friend? very.
[RAP]
Do you live in the ghetto? not anymore.
Have you ever even held a gun before? i refuse to touch the things.
How much bling do you own? when you say bling, do you mean diamond shiny things? i have a diamond sweetheart ring on my finger from cory. i have diamond earrings, necklaces, bracelets. if you simply mean flashy, tacky jewelry, it's everywhere.
Would you rather have your best friend be a wangsta or a wigga? neither? what's the difference?
Would you rather be bustin' caps or rollin' joints? i pick drugs.
Big butts or big boobs? both with little waist. gotta love the hourglass.
What's your best pickup line? i don't pick people up. no need. but if i had one, i guess it would be hi, i'm princess bettie.
"Fo' Sho" or "Yeah, son"? rocketdog.
What race are most of your friends? crackers.
Ever been to prison? only on visits.
[POP]
Who or what makes you so excited you piss your pants? cody. xtina aguilera. riot grrrls. jones. caffeine. all kinds of things. i have to pee a lot.
Prep or Yuppie? when i hear yuppie, i think guppie. what is a yuppie? anyway, i don't choose. and i don't really believe in prepism.
How much money do you spend on bad music? i don't spend money on music, especially not BAD music.
Justin Timberlake or Nick Carter? oh dear goddess justin!
How many of your friends still listen to NKOTB? moi.
Do you like mainstream music? not really. some of it, yes, but for the most part i'm an underground grrrl.
Do you want to be a pop diva? it would be fun but i would feel like a sellout.
How many times, on average, do you say "like" in a sentence? like, way too many. like manymanymany. i was raised 100% valley girl, fer sure!!
OMIGOD or OMG? like oh. my. god. gag me with a spoon!
Ditsy or just plain stupid? mm i'm both. but my beloved mother, goddess bless her, is a complete dits. so i'll go with that one.
Princess
at 2:25 AM
*****************
Tears
wear them like an accessory
I let them drip
camouflage me
with the rain that falls on your shirt
let me cry.
Serve me up gourmet
organic/natural..
what a dish.
He walks
off sidewalk
on road.
Trade me places
let me walk amidst cars
where the rain can be my camouflage.
A deer in headlights the way I am
blinded by love
let me walk.
Let the dark be my camouflage
and the impact
of your headon collision with my
heart
be my comfort.
Leave me unbelted
debunked.
Headon collision and I am
flying through the front window,
on the streets again
the way you force me to leave.
The blood with its tiny glass reflectors is my camouflage
from the twin tears.
**a poem written on my legs on the way home from church with cody at my side.**
i wrote more- much more- in church today, and our conversations were nothing more than his confusion at my spoken-word fluency. if only i had memory, i would write up what it was i said to him. whatever it was, it was amazing. it had something to do with the repition of me and all my ears, and stand- stand me up. the best i can compile *remember this went on for over a half hour- the drugs i'm on wouldn't let me think or speak in anything but poetry*..
you speak to me and i am all ears,
but your words are meaningless
you move
poetry in motion
the way i can only speak
to your deafness.
stand-
stand me up
in your stance of
confusion.
i am all ears.
move to me the way you love me
and i'll recite for you my feelings.
do you savor my words,
so sweet and poetic
the way i savor your touch
these words
in your skin
poetry in motion
and i am left still
only these words
too poetic
i hear your movements
with all my ears.
what do you say
how do you move
when my ears are not upon you?
do you dance to the beat of a different drum
and
shall i give you an ear to keep?
walk me a paragraphic essay
on the way you feel for me
for her
stand me up
stand your stance
and i will watch with
all my ears
poetry in motion
and i am almost
speechless.
ok that was a horrible compilation. but they're the main fragments i remember.
he said he is mine, that this is now what he's calling forcing a relationship upon me. that bobbi misinterperited all. all i could say was... he had better be able to say that in front of her and me at the same time so i can read him for lies. i cried. he said he'd make it up to me, and i told him i was tired of hearing it. but i love him. and... he loves me? so i guess this means we're really together now. i guess this means his lies are minimal. i guess this means i'm an idiot for falling. for him and his lies. but i can overlook it. for my sake, for my happiness, forhim. i don't know.
that kiss
too soft
salivating me a work of art all its own.
that touch
to sweet
perpetrating all it's ever known to be.
call me yours
call you mine
just don't forget to call
give me yours
take me whole
i don't mind, just don't forget my heart.
i beat
and it is so rare
that i ask you to feel its pounding through my skin.
that touch
too strong
i faint in your presence
your touch makes me weak.
i pine for you
plant a tree
give me roots in you
just don't forget to
grace me, sunshine.
Princess
at 1:55 AM
*****************
Friday, October 24, 2003
promethazyne.....zombiefication. maybe john was right- i am dead. bzdiknferuaznslicfbvae.
cody called me today. i was bitchy. i didn't tell him i know anything. we'll let him think on it, i guess.
bitch and animal plays in my head nonstop..'everything shattered, including the light. much never mattered and nothing is right.'
i enjoyed a nostalgic walk around my childhood dwellings in beech grove today. my elementary playground. the meat market. the library. the track. my house. the field. everyone was staring at me. i felt pretty, i guess. everyone there skates now. it hurts to know how badly i was outcast for things taht are so cool these days.
made up with jenn last night. nuff said.
by the way, cody is leading on me and bobbi. and apparently indy. telling us how much he wants us all and only us. i'm not happy.
today my hair is in pigtails.
i saw my psych today. he was the fourth person in the last day who asked me if i lost weight. it was happy. well, except that i broke down and cried. about school. about myself. i never even mentioned cody or jenn or anything that's going on on the outside. just myself. he didn't have anything to say back. i hate that. except not to worry about the way i gain and lose 20 pounds per day. which is not right. something is very wrong with my body for me to be doing that.
met zach. how adorable.
are these even complete sentences? i'm not really sure. i'm very not here right now.
my dad is coming to take brandon tomorrow. that fat bastard. no invite for the grrrl. i want to dye my hair green just so he can see it. i know how much he'd not want to pretend to care after that. i hate his bullshit. i hate his abuse.
mm.. "disorder."
i'm cold.
i'm feeling too objective right now to write in here. it's the medications. i just want to sleep for the rest of my life.
i think i'll paint my nails and watch a happy movie. nightmare before xmas. breakfast at tiffany's. little lulu. grammar rock. wizard of oz. one of my childhood things.
oh, last night chris judy told me i smell like happy childhood memories. it was adorable. it's good to know that for someone.. i'm positive influence. i love him.
night.
Princess
at 9:28 PM
*****************
Thursday, October 23, 2003
*clears throat*
..a bunch of dots..
**love to bobbita**
Princess
at 10:08 PM
*****************
Auto response from x0 dbk always 0x: i think jenn & valerie's old song fits well with what i'm trying to say .. big bird's a stupid whore, she wants to eat a door. she dates stupid guys and bakes lots of apple pies. she wears ugly clothes and has a funky nose... or some shit. GaH.
a spin on val and jenn's old song.
gglittersoresss: BIG BIRD IS A STUPID WHORE!
ggglittersoresss: HE WANTS TO LICK THE FLOOR
ggglittersoresss: THAT'S WHAT HE'S AN ASSHOLE FOR
ggglittersoresss: I WANT TO BEAT HIM TO THE CORE
ggglittersoresss: BIG BIRD IS A STUPID TWAT
ggglittersoresss: A BIG NOSE IS ALL HE'S GOT
ggglittersoresss: HIS BROTHER KICKED HIM OUTTA BED SO HE SLEEPS ON A COT
ggglittersoresss: RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE HE SHOULD BE SHOT
ggglittersoresss: BIG BIRD IS A STUPID HOE
ggglittersoresss: I WANT TO BREAK OFF HIS BIG NOSE
ggglittersoresss: BECAUSE HE IS SO FUCKING LOW
ggglittersoresss: AND HIS EYES SHOULD BE PECKED OUT BY A CROW
ha. ha ha ha.
Princess
at 12:54 PM
*****************
the goal today is to NOT wear a long sleeved shirt.
Princess
at 10:55 AM
*****************
ggglittersoresss: 20574354f3a5e4sv1f 3z5xd4b3xdgy4h3dx
StatycVaynE: ijbnuoi
StatycVaynE: erg
StatycVaynE: krutjrs
ggglittersoresss: a;sdlicjvod
StatycVaynE: powerpo[
ggglittersoresss: rnbgzc byfu
StatycVaynE: opqtoptr
ggglittersoresss: ic yhfnuxcvy
StatycVaynE: yes wethweht
ggglittersoresss: what if all this acutally meant something in code?
ggglittersoresss: who would break it?
StatycVaynE: ummm
StatycVaynE: virgin eskimo left handed leprechaun plumbers
StatycVaynE: theyre good at everything
StatycVaynE: i mean....man
ggglittersoresss: hahahahahhahahahahahah
StatycVaynE: ok ethweutty
StatycVaynE: hmm they look like words...
StatycVaynE: qweer-gug, and ethwety
ggglittersoresss: *giggles* ywarhab o
ggglittersoresss: oooh that kinda reminds me of.....war rehab
StatycVaynE: yeah!
ggglittersoresss: in the year zero hundred?
StatycVaynE: uh huh
StatycVaynE: with sprinkles
ggglittersoresss: ok lets try......docivnqaerkjv
ggglittersoresss: docile ivan queer kevorkians.
StatycVaynE: oiguoinqoegr
StatycVaynE: oguqeger
ggglittersoresss: *giggles* um.....
StatycVaynE: lol!!!
ggglittersoresss: opaque gieger
StatycVaynE: erctbh
ggglittersoresss: erect butt hummer
StatycVaynE: LMAO
ggglittersoresss: *giggle*
StatycVaynE: hahah
StatycVaynE: ethmn
ggglittersoresss: ethel manthium?
StatycVaynE: lol idk
ggglittersoresss: eat the lithium?
StatycVaynE: hehe
StatycVaynE: aerecrgwer
ggglittersoresss: aeropostale circus gag wear
*
StatycVaynE: wqefpi
StatycVaynE: lol queef pie
ggglittersoresss: water queef pie
StatycVaynE: lol
ggglittersoresss: whenchester queef pie
*
StatycVaynE: ehpo
ggglittersoresss: echo pee
ggglittersoresss: poo
StatycVaynE: eerie horse poo?
ggglittersoresss: eternally horny pixel options
StatycVaynE: hehehe
StatycVaynE: qpwvpowqf
StatycVaynE: queer wave power queef
ggglittersoresss: quazi penish wave powder proof
*
StatycVaynE: wehoiwtrho
ggglittersoresss: we hoist white trash o'er.....the hills
StatycVaynE: LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
StatycVaynE: iuoqwqwiu
ggglittersoresss: wedgie outer equation.......oh ibeproufen quality quinn idealist underling?
StatycVaynE: i owe you qew qew i you?
*
ggglittersoresss: bhoiuanze
StatycVaynE: hmmm
ggglittersoresss: bizantine hag, uzbekistan easy?
StatycVaynE: this is fun
ggglittersoresss: hell yeah
ggglittersoresss: i've never had this much fun on my ass
*
ggglittersoresss: n ioaevhzs
ggglittersoresss: nazi naoimi housing van frankenstein
*
StatycVaynE: hmm maybe you could do like a paragraph? lol, try qoipgqerowgqlg eqhgqwegh qerhy 6uk sdfbfsd 6ue6 rher wiu segrey
ggglittersoresss: quantum pig (queer outlandish wonder), equate hanging wench gargling, query fucking sad fat bastard fizzlinig, queue rinocerous hair with segregated semen.
StatycVaynE: OMFG LMAO
StatycVaynE: IM GONNA PEE
StatycVaynE: KIK
StatycVaynE: LOL
StatycVaynE: LOL
ggglittersoresss: *giggles*
ggglittersoresss: i like the fat bastard fizzling
ggglittersoresss: i'm picturing it in my head
ggglittersoresss: muahahah
StatycVaynE: rhinocerous hair with segregated semen? LMAO
*
StatycVaynE: owiekhjn
ggglittersoresss: ouiija wanker kane jihaad
ggglittersoresss: nigger
*
ggglittersoresss: nb sokfuv
ggglittersoresss: nibble sock fuzz.
ggglittersoresss: flavor?
StatycVaynE: noob so fuck v
ggglittersoresss: noob? what's a noob?
StatycVaynE: idk lol
ggglittersoresss: muaha
StatycVaynE: sounds like
StatycVaynE: nipple flesh that can be pierced
*
ggglittersoresss: soooo vmasodixnfeir
ggglittersoresss: vast majority sodomizing nixed farenheight
StatycVaynE: christmas dicks fear
ggglittersoresss: those were completley different
ggglittersoresss: bxiocfnvawe
ggglittersoresss: bioxy cent fare villain warfare
StatycVaynE: yes
ggglittersoresss: dammit there are two fares
*
StatycVaynE: ibvkmumdn
ggglittersoresss: i believe communist mummified dick nickers
StatycVaynE: LMAO
ggglittersoresss: wow that's funny now that i reread it
StatycVaynE: dick nickers>?
StatycVaynE: lol
StatycVaynE: hahaha
ggglittersoresss: i dunno
ggglittersoresss: that's effing hilarious though
StatycVaynE: those undies?
StatycVaynE: i know!
ggglittersoresss: i was thinking more like razors because they always give people nicks.....
and that's how the world's best game was invented.
Princess
at 2:13 AM
*****************
sooooo this is day number two in the cody-not-calling-me saga. it's um, weird to say the least. the first two days in history, i believe. *gasps*. he didn't come to school today. which... at first, i was annoyed at the way he didn't come see me. i was all happy to find out that was because he wasn't there, and then i had to laugh at myself being glad he wasn't somewhere near me because it was quite the first. i'm a dork.
mm yeah. i've decided this: after all, he's avoiding me for a reason. and that reason is that i am no more than a magen to him. and i'm tired of his actions screaming that he can't stand me while his stupid words seduce me into believing them. dammit. he has to be lying. and then all over bobbi is written how he lies to her so harshly.. and i think what's going on here is that he's leading both of us on. and i am thoroughly dissatisfied. someone, please, give me a good girl to date. please.
we officially bought my car yesterday, and today i bought a fuzzy pink steering wheel cover and some pink rearview mirror hanging hearts that say princess. i'm so excited. i feel kinda bad having a 7000 dollar car. like i've just been dirt poor forever, and now it's like... i live in meridian woods, and i just got a spoiled kid car. what's funny is that i BEGGED for a jank car because i was so scared i'd wreck a good one. i'm really happy though.
i bought oscar the grouch underwear, too. they make me so happy.
man, bobbi is beautiful. how could i ever compare to her? i can't. she looked at me in the hall today, just kind of a cute little stare she does, and i almost melted. god she is so hot. agh. azx;ocivnsd;enjfras;kldvncasehfldskjfo;asiewunbva. i am her groupie, by the way.
i haven't purposely vomited my food since monday. i am so proud. i haven't cut since last week, either. i feel all healthy. yay for me.
i hate being avoided. why can't people just speak their feelings outright? i am so unafriad to speak on such topics because THEY NEED TO BE DISCUSSED. why does everyone avoid it like the plague? isn't it more uncomfortable to spend so much energy avoiding someone and having both parties beat themselves up over it than to get it over with, kiss, and make up? agh.
oh, i also actually bought a pair of pants today. they make me look wide. i don't even care. i'm just so proud that i like a pair of pants. yay for normality.
i went to brittany's today after school. we just kind of goofed off. i wrote a poem.
I dream of the touch;
a nightly appraisal to
your celestial beauty.
A kiss in sync with mine-
can I shower in your tears?
I wish for your attention,
hope for a mutual love.
Abandonment takes over
a g a i n.
Before you go..
can I shower in your tears??
*shrugs* it's not very good at all, but it's more of a spoken word. i wrote to nikki today, too, and i liked it so much that i actually kept a copy for myself *not something i usually do in such a situation*. i love my oddities sometimes.
Toybox Ballerina
Spinning sweetly
to my theme:
"Let dead dogs lie,
let dead dogs lie."
She bids me climb
the moon.
each step on toe
pointed
in satin and sheep.
Shed my plastic
and springs
to emerge a
velvet and tulle
life-size Barbie.
"We dead girls lie,
we dead girls lie."
*
Daisy Chainsaw
breaks
the morning ritual
in light of insomnia-
in light of the sun.
Shave me of
unhealthy routine
with an
organic one-bladed razor.
it makes so much sense in my nonsensical way. i miss feeling loved. i miss being able to curl up in arms, in laps, just to be held like a baby and sung a pretty song. like lovesong from cory. or even john's german lullaby. to be petted, rocked, kissed. not in the cuddly romantic way. just th kind that makes you feel like a 5 year old girl, like everything- no matter how horrid- is going to be ok.
i also miss regular basis sex. i don't feel like whoring right now, though. i want at least some stability, and so often i feel like i have none. and i certainly have none in myself. it's so funny, because everyone has always commented on my confidence, stability, leadership.... and i feel like this little orphan annie just trying to find a home.
i scanned a funny picture of me today. i look like a model with one of those ohsocheesy smiles. i'm so.........barbiefied. ha. i wish i was barbiefied all the time. that could be fun.. *sighs*.
Princess
at 12:58 AM
*****************
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
i just broke another nail. i hate the sound they make when they just crack. it's almost like listening to someone being shot. as if any of this matters.
cody kissed me today in the hall. i didn't want him to leave. how could i stay mad at a person who just melts me like that? it's sick; i feel like such a sappy romantic. ew.
i had a looooong nap today. i am refreshed. i took to sleep on the plaid couch in the fireplace room. my dad called while i was sleeping. i didn't answer.. bad tyler. i had really really fucked up dreams, like usual, but i can't piece them together. something to do with elementary school, anarchy arm bands *that are completely corporate*, and more butt slugs *i was discussing dreamcatcher with brittany today*.
comforted xtian today. he wrote me a letter that begins 'WHY! WHY? do you make me feel so loved?' i wish i could speak to him now, because the answer is simple.. i love him. he commented in it on how i must not know what it's like to be lonely, as everyone loves me so. i almost laughed. people always feel the need to reiterate the fact that 'everyone loves me'. but if everyone feels so much love for me, why do they have such problems showing it? he says he has yet to meet anyone who hates me. wha a joke.
my dog ate *more* of my hot tub cover today. and yes kids, it's broken. don't ever, ever, EVER buy yourself a laborador puppy unless you live in a chew toy. *sighs.*
i need bikini kill.
am i unattractive? sometimes i wonder about who it is the people around me are looking at when they talk to me. do i look different than i feel? does it make me seem like a different person, like sugary blue eyes coating everything i say/feel/am? it's the only explanation i can find for my recent events.
i hate pushing up my glasses.
i decided that this blog is a horrible representation of me, and was a little sad when i was informed that people who don't personally know me read it. guys, this is not all i am. i'm rereading it, wondering how funny it must come off. everything in here is just so random, though. my blog is always there for me to vent in. that's almost it.
it never ceases to make me laugh when i hear 'may i sodomize you with my dong?' i love chad.
Princess
at 9:08 PM
*****************
Monday, October 20, 2003
ggglittersoresss: and it had something to do with a guy breaking my car or his car?
cooma chad: no
cooma chad: i was with the robit voice going " i was woundering if you could sodomize me, with your dong"
cooma chad: " i kept pressing the random insult botton
cooma chad: i would be all like " your mom is a crossdressing band geek hoe"
cooma chad: dont tell him t.h.o.u.g.h
*that would be the rest of what happened between my brother and chad*
Princess
at 6:52 PM
*****************
today brittany said i am graceful when i cry. i cried for the first time in front of her in the hall at school. i buried myself in her arms, and when i stood back up, everyone everywhere was staring at me. it was weird. but she just looked at me and said "god, you're even graceful when you CRY." in some odd way, it made up for the way that i felt.
ggglittersoresss: i love the way you siad today that i cry gracefully
brittentay: you do!
ggglittersoresss: i don't feel graceful
brittentay: well you are
brittentay: ur beautiful
brittentay: ur a dancer at heart
brittentay: and its plain for everyone to see
ggglittersoresss: *blush*
she went with me too goodwill after that. we had fun being silly. i bought a hideously beautiful green 70's chair that looks like it belongs in a set with my couch. it's amazingly comfortable, even. if i don't pick it up in the next two hours though... it won't stay mine. gah.
cody apologized for the way he made me feel today, but forgiving him would be like believing that lie. i won't let that happen to me again. never.
pablo took time out of today to make me feel loved and special. i needed it so badly, and i was beyond grateful. later, cody commented on the way he can't stand pablo. rudely, i said..'well, he did a hell of a lot more for me today than you did.' or something to that extent. he didn't react well. back to the pabs, he is a sweetheart.
i'm stilll singing bitch and animal.
nikki writes the sweetest of notes and makes the most adorable of observations. i love being around her, feeling as if i've known her for so long, and the fact that she can be comfortable talking to me.
ggglittersoresss: .......you wanted me to stay mad at cody.
YunggMann: good
ggglittersoresss: ?
YunggMann: no
ggglittersoresss: **lie**
YunggMann: qhy would i want that
ggglittersoresss: ..you like me and want me to not have anything going on with him?
ggglittersoresss: and you feel somewhat betrayed because your best friend is with the grrrl you like?
ggglittersoresss: *shrug*
YunggMann: i could never do that he is still my friend
ggglittersoresss: he thinks you could
ggglittersoresss: you guys don't argue about me, do you?
YunggMann: not really
ggglittersoresss: not really?
ggglittersoresss: what does that mean?
YunggMann: kinda sometimes
ggglittersoresss: in what way?
YunggMann: i dont know
ggglittersoresss: mm.
YunggMann: i dont want to seem like im weasling out of this converation but i have to go eat
YunggMann signed off at 6:49:47 PM.
what to make of that? i hate the way cody describes what goes on between them over me. i'm just.....me. not anything particulary special. just a curvy and slightly overweight loud brunette. those are easy to find, right? hm. i don't want to make him feel weird by saying that....a little late though, i guess. it wasn't his usual oh love be back later kind of sign off. *cringe.* wow i'm too open and forget that everyone else isn't- and doesn't want to be- that way.
on a lighter note, there is a place south of here called 'effingham.' it cracked me up, and looks like something i would name a town to be stupid. effing ham. haha. i'ma start calling people that. it's too good to not use.
oh, and chad had news for me:
cooma chad: i pranked your dweeb brother yesterday
cooma chad: when you were sleeping
cooma chad: hahahahahah!
i love him so.
Princess
at 6:47 PM
*****************
Sunday, October 19, 2003
a typical sunday evening?
VampireGuy03: well umm yeah i might not EVER get online agin
VampireGuy03: im gana kill myself soon lol
ggglittersoresss: what?
ggglittersoresss: i say.......no
ggglittersoresss: what is wrong sweetheart?
VampireGuy03: im tired of always being lonly and depressed
VampireGuy03: im stupid im boring all i do is take up space
ggglittersoresss: it will pass with time. don't steal from yourself the chance to get better.
VampireGuy03: i will never get better ill always be this way
VampireGuy03: im tired of living this way
ggglittersoresss: you aren't stupid, you don't bore me, and if i am correct....we all take up space. and no, I"LL always be this way. but it's not necessarily a sad thing. when you have independence and you dictate where you go and what you are exposed to, you will no longer have to be lonely.
ggglittersoresss: that is not too far away for you or me.
ggglittersoresss: it keeps me alive.
ggglittersoresss: i have a little less than two years until i am 18, and i will be off to things that, though they may not mean much, make me happier and make me feel like i matter. you may not have found those things yet. but you are being sheltered by your environment. at a soon but later time, you can control that.
VampireGuy03: i went to a dance with this one girl and i can never htink of anything to talk about and she was like "your making me bored" then she got up and went talk to my friend till the dance was over
ggglittersoresss: i have been there.
ggglittersoresss: and it is sad.
ggglittersoresss: i know.
ggglittersoresss: but it is no reason to deprive yourself of all the things that can make up for that.
ggglittersoresss: what makes you happy? or at least in some minimal way satisfies you?
VampireGuy03: ive been in love with her for about 3 years or 4 years and she loves my step bro and she never even talks to me or even waves to me
VampireGuy03: makes me happy..
VampireGuy03: nothing
ggglittersoresss: no, something makes you somewhat content. or something has at some point.
ggglittersoresss: *and by the way, that girl is a bitch. you're too good for her.*
VampireGuy03: yeah right im not good for no 1
ggglittersoresss: well, i know you think i'm all smart or whatever, and well.... i think you are too good for her.
ggglittersoresss: if i was anywhere near you, i would've smacked her in the face.
ggglittersoresss: she needs a good ass kicking if she thinks she has the right to make you feel that way.
VampireGuy03: she dont know how i feel
VampireGuy03: i dont show my feelings to any 1
VampireGuy03: i tryd showing her that i love her but.. didnt work
ggglittersoresss: she has to have enough common sense to know that hurt.
VampireGuy03: thats only time i ever tryd to show my feeling in any way
ggglittersoresss: you're being confined to too small a community for anyone to appreciate you right now. i promise on all things holy it's not like that everywhere.
VampireGuy03: but she blocked me so umm...yeah i think she hates me and never wants 2 talk to me
ggglittersoresss: well fucking forget her, she doesn't matter.
ggglittersoresss: i decided.
VampireGuy03: well, im killn myself im tired of not having any 1 around that cares about me im tired of crying every night i try to sleep thinking about how i wish someone would care about me
ggglittersoresss: but silly, what in the world makes you think i don't?
VampireGuy03: well you probly do but we hardly talk and u live WAY ffar away and i cant go and talk to you or be with you ever
ggglittersoresss: like i said, i only have a couple years. it's close enough that i can count the days.
ggglittersoresss: loneliness is a problem that is easy to fix. you just have to find solace.
ggglittersoresss: you haven't been looking in the right spots.
ggglittersoresss: after i got out of my last relationship, i had been abused beyond all words. everyone who i'd ever even had contact with abandoned me. i found feminism. it helped me realize taht even though i was physically alone, i wasn't emotionally. and that physically, it didn't have to be much longer until i wasn't alone anymore.
VampireGuy03: but no 1likes me no 1 ever will
ggglittersoresss: i got in contact with my goddess, too. she gave me water, trees, wind and rain for friends. they will always love me. they will always love you.
ggglittersoresss: and maybe you are pushing things and people away with that mindset.
ggglittersoresss: and besides, i like you.
ggglittersoresss: and i know i can't be the lone person in the entire world. you haven't experienced enough to feel whole yet, hunny.
ggglittersoresss: you get what i mean?
VampireGuy03: yeah
ggglittersoresss: do you feel any better about it at all?
VampireGuy03: a little
ggglittersoresss: it's just....not worth it
ggglittersoresss: don't deprive yourself of the happiness that waits for you, dear
ggglittersoresss: i have to go to bed. i hope that in some miniscule way i've helped you reconsider. i send you all my love. *kisses*
all xstarx puNk: you're so werid in a kinky sexual kind of way that i think you like alot
YunggMann: how did your day go
ggglittersoresss: i got to cry
ggglittersoresss: i'm satisfied
ggglittersoresss: but now, i'm talking someone out of suicide when all i really want to do is sleep
YunggMann: im sorry
ggglittersoresss: not yous fault
ggglittersoresss: i know i'm the only person in the world who could talk him out of it though, so i must
ggglittersoresss: and i know he needs me. and so my sleep matters not.
YunggMann: who???
ggglittersoresss: you don't know him.
YunggMann: ok
ggglittersoresss: he's a long distancer
YunggMann: your good at it though
ggglittersoresss: i know
ggglittersoresss: but i wish that for a day i c ould passit on to someone else
ggglittersoresss: it's so damn hard
ggglittersoresss: i have so much to take care of myself
ggglittersoresss: and no one takes care of me
ggglittersoresss: they couldn't. i understand taht, but i still long for it
YunggMann: ill start, if oyu want me to
ggglittersoresss: you couldn't. no one can. it's not a desolate thing, it's just....truthful. i'm too much for any one person, or even a group of people, to handle. no one can take on me because of the way i take on everyone else. but it's a sweet offer, thank you.
ggglittersoresss: like right now, i'm spossed to be in my room, collaging over the hideous notebook that will be reformed into my book of shadows. but i have mediating to do. my responsibilities never, even for a second, cease. i like to help people, i like to listen, i love to make you guys feel better. i cherish the fact taht people trust me that much. but i also like sleep, and i also have a need to take care of myself. i just never have time for either.
ggglittersoresss: and it's self-centered for me to be thinking of sleep when i'm dealing with a suicidal person, which almost makes me feel guilty, but it's losing it's fear and oh-dear-god emergency feel.
keep in mind that these are clips. don't give me any of your shit, this is my journal.
Princess
at 11:41 PM
*****************
it doesn't matter how many times i wash my hands, scrubbing off every single speck of grime and working until my layers of skin peel away.. my hands always smell like vomit.
aaron commented on it today. he said i'll endup with scraggly teeth by the time i'm 30. i hope only that i won't make it that long to watch ALL of my beauty scathe. by then, i will have not a bit of real skin left, and i'll be fat and covered in stretch marks with rotting fingers and 'scraggly' teeth. that thought sends chills through my spine. how could anyone love a person who is destined to become THAT?
i'm too scared to weigh myself today. maybe that's a good thing?
Princess
at 10:47 PM
*****************
by morning, i'll be gone- the highway will walk on me to her warmth, let her arms lay down thier guides, let her lead me into the sun. i woke up softly, i do not disturb. this ryhtym, this history. i leave it behind. my love, you'll be here when i return if i if i love her will you return? your hips sway walk. ollover new friend past life. will you recognize my smell when you roll through passing towns like sticky sweet hands? wil you recognize my smell roll though passing towns.......words like eyes, my everchanging skin. by morning i'll be gone.....by morning i'll be gone..... be gone. be gone. by morning morning i'll be gone the highway will walk on me to her warmth let her arms lay down their guides let her lead me into the sun.
-bitch and animal.
i'm singing. i'm crying. finally. these tears have no end, so thick and heavy. hiccuping, stuffed with snot, trying to sing, the notes so high and low like the sweet melodic voices of black choirs. glasses polka dotted with white tears, skin aching for each bit of salt. hands tremble, lips tremble, eyelids squeeze together and i bite the inner lining of my cavernous salt lick mouth. suffocating myself with the pillow, sobbing into it for form-fitting comfort. joints stiff, head aching, stomach whimpering. throat itches, soles follow. solace has never been so sweet. pulling down his shorts, grandma's button up jacket over nipple-ring exposing gap tanktop. brushing the matted hair from skin- so textured, blonde strands draping over the way his did in the warm fall sun. golden, attempting fruitlessly to hide that honey hazel and hunter green. air strikes too harshly, needling itself through brain cells. he leaves no room in them for anything else, and whether or not that should ease tears no one can be sure. old woman hands rising up to separate eyelashes, yellow chiclet-sized nails shining. bitch and animal singing along, soothing to screaming. "you're so caught up in your boyfriend job.. the boygrrrl wonder." if the tears had come from him, perhaps it would be more fitting. the walk home replays in memory, the guitar strings on que begin to strum heavy in love, the water from the memory rushes and the grrrl from the scence writes nonchalantly an essay on her soft velveteen shoulder praising all that is her earth, her life, her goddess, her death, and her love/hate/pain. crystal reflecting in a million directions the celtic sounds from the headphones, paints an overlying picture of rape and abuse. such an aesthetic. not in worship of morbidity exclusively, but in worship of all things and their unity and lack of, flow and spasm. pride dancing ballet bongo drums from wires, her hair, his hair, her hands, in his, thier faces, thier creamy skin and longing kicks in for him to calm the situation. abstrusity slowly but surely building up, faster as acceptance is being acheived, heart storing in past works and mind floating aloof. the release, the pain- no connection to the body- gives comfort in the most abstract ways.
the love and pain become one, i become one with the earth, spirit becomes one with spirit, whisking me away to underutopia.
untouchably vulnerable.
Princess
at 3:41 PM
*****************
how does one make candy cigarettes? xtian and i will figure it out. if anyone has any tips or ideas, please please please let me know. muah.
Princess
at 1:32 PM
*****************
Saturday, October 18, 2003
x0 dbk always 0x: oo.. maybe youre.. an almost gramma, not a full blown grmma
ggglittersoresss: like..... a great aunt?
ggglittersoresss: or the mother of a bearen woman?
x0 dbk always 0x: hmm...the momma of the woman
x0 dbk always 0x: that has a bear in her
x0 dbk always 0x: :-P
ggglittersoresss: *giggles*
ggglittersoresss: dude i'm cracking up
x0 dbk always 0x: ';' if you crack up too bad, i have a few glue sticks to glue you together again
ggglittersoresss: *humpty dumpty*
ggglittersoresss: wasn't that a rapper?
x0 dbk always 0x: w00t, coulda been
ggglittersoresss: *giggles*
ggglittersoresss: oh yeah, i'm thinkin sir humps alot
ggglittersoresss: *giggles harder*
x0 dbk always 0x: lol :p
Princess
at 12:29 PM
*****************
it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault. it's all my fault. it has to be my falut. it's all my fualt. it hasto b e my fulat. it's all my fualt. it hasto be my fulat. it'a all my fulat. it hasto b e my faul.t. it's all my faylt. jit as to be my fhautl. it's all my fualt. it has';t tao be my fulast. lit'asm all my faultllll. it'ants to bew my fualtja.sd fl ita'srmfasr tall mky falutalstf. it'sa amshast to vew mlfy v fault. fault. falut. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. falut. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fau lt. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. falut. fault. fault. fault. fault. fault. falut. fault. falult fault fault fault aflaut fault al;dfuspozdvsnzfc;lAjwkefuo;aibskv05798bu
]45983458kqctw5ai;oacem;lzcdo;in8vo. fault.
it's all my fault. it has to be my fault.
her wounds burn through the pulsing wires, reaching through to rip my heart and electrocute my sensitive nature. it's all my fault. it has to be my fault.
Princess
at 10:15 AM
*****************
the bob is avoiding me.
i'm not sure whether to be frustrated or to cry.
cody feels so responsible for everything. so do i.
i shouldn't, or maybe i should but don't know it.
i want to fix it all for her.
i love her so much.. i don't think she knows.
it makes me feel so guilty about being with cody at all.
i don't want to feel this way.
i don't want HER to feel this way.
i wish.. god i wish i could fix something.
but i can't.
as usual, i'm help-less, hopeless, just a burden who can fix nothing.
dammit.
Princess
at 9:51 AM
*****************
I GOT MY CAR TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's my brand new baby. so perfect, i can't even say. she's a focus hatchback, perfect size for me, so effing curvy and gorgeous, and she even has a big butt like me. i'm going to paint her pink *she's blue right now*, deck her in glitter, and claim her as mine forever and ever. we're going to be best friends. she even drives well, so extremely light and airy and easy. there's a cd player in her, and a beep that goes off when i leave the lights on *which i ALWAYS do*. her turn signal sounds adorable, and her back seat is way spacious ;). i am in love. ralph roller, a guy from church, is selling her to us for 6800, right out of auction, even though she's worth 8500. he's so sweet. he's not making any profit off us at all, so we're taking him to dinner or something to thank him. i am so freaking happy with this car it's not funny. yay!
i lied, by the way. cody was NOT planning on ditching me. someone lied.
i love calling him my girlfriend. it's so cute. if he doesn't come over tomorrow, i might cry. which is good and bad. once again, yin/yang of all things. ugh- look at all this religion! i even wrote a semi-religious poem today, me getting back in touch with nature and the world around me, thanking my goddesss. i don't know whether to throw a party of throw up.
brendan came over tonight, and we had lots of fun. just being fruits as usual, but man, it was fun. cory came over for awhile, too, which was cute. he's so damn adorable, i tell you. i love those two.
the bob wrote earlier about lost loves and how "she" had no right to take "him" away. i cannot tell you how much i prayed to the goddess that it wasn't me. then of course.."he loves her, he loves me not." i think i shrunk. i've been refluxing ever since. but i will NOT vomit my dinner today *two little pieces of mushroom and onion pizza hut pizza will not go to waste!*, and i am really trying hard still not to let it upset me. after all, maybe she's not talking about me. maybe she's talking about.. god i don't know, anyone but me. anyone but cody. anythinganythinganything. i feel so bad about loving him, so bad about him loving me when it comes to her.. because i love HER so damn much. i feel like i would do anything to save her from pain, but at the same time.. god, it's difficult. i just hope she doesn't feel the way i do about him. i hope. i pray.
my feet smell. isn't that nice? it's from swimming in gym today. i'm allergic to chlorine, so all my skin is dry and fucked up. and it's gross. i need to get an excuse from swimming. i think i have all the reason: breathing problems, water anxiety, chlorine allergy.. i think it's pretty well covered. pssh.
i put chunking bleach in my hair last night. i made the mistake of letting my mom try to help. her intentions were good, but her hairstyling skills don't quite match up. i'll fix it later.
my nipple feels a little better. i've been rubbing it unintentionally all day, looking like an idiot. i'm pretty open about it though, so it's not like i freak or anything, just.....wondering how many teachers were staring at the weird girl massaging her nipple with a disgruntled look on her face. haha. indy doesn't like my ring, which made me sad, but i LOVE it. the little dice are just way too cute. they make me feel a lot better about my boobs, which is stupid and petty, but...i'm so self-conscious about them, with all those terrible fat scars on them and stuff. it's almost like the dice make up for them. kinda. it suffices.
nasalboy and i have been talking. it's soo good to hear from him. i do miss him.
i have reading to do. i think i'll be a good grrrl and indulge. yay.
Princess
at 1:00 AM
*****************
Thursday, October 16, 2003
heartbreak. cody was going to ditch me saturday again. he went to bobbis today even though he was spossed to come over to my house countless times and didn't. how can i believe him when he rambles about how much he cares for me? it's so difficult. i just...don't understand, i guess. it hurts. really badly.
mall today with mamma brittany. it was so effing fun! we got pretty nipple rings. well, i did. we had a blast.
dustin was there. he's so cute. he bit me *blushes*. ugh, and he made me blush.
today i was wearing my crystal, the one that i've been casting with since oh fourth grade, and aaron grabbed and looked at me funny. he goes "you're not wiccan. you're not even pagan!!" i thought about smacking him. really. since when do i discuss my actual religious affiliation with much of anyone? yeah.
ok, i just shoved the nipple ring through...... GOD THIS HURTS. this hurts more than the piercing did. oh well. i like it. it has cute little red dice on it. makes me happy. yay! the other ring has a little kitty on it. it's adorable. yay.
well, ima go lay down. this pain makes me want to vomit. love.
Princess
at 6:11 PM
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Wednesday, October 15, 2003
talking to stewart..... oh he makes me blush. he sends me little rubber ducky i.m. screens, and i don't know how because i've never seen it anywhere else, but it always totally makes my day. and he's so adorable to me. he just makes me feel...so special. i mean, he lives so far away, but he still thinks about me and stuff. that's so great.
Princess
at 10:39 PM
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Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I think I am going to go on a fast. For religious reasons. I don't know how serious of one, but I think I'm going to do it for sure. My mom went on one one time where she could only eat after 6, so maybe I'll do that. Yeah, that's a good one. Maybe I'll start tomorrow. And I can only have juice. And no fast food. Or artificial food. I think maybe this will clear my head and I don't know, maybe I'll have some kind of epiphany. *shrugs*.
Oh, and so everyone knows, my opinion of Chad is not that he is just some druggie loser. I love him beyond words could tell, and know he is a wonderful person. Who the hell else is a good enough guy to watch my purse through an entire Xfest? Who else is cool enough to take me on an emergency trip to the mall for Haylee's bday present? Who else is sweet enough to ALWAYS cheer me up when I'm sad? Only the Chad. I love him and everything about him. Just not that he does drugs. Let me clarify again that I am a huge bitch, and he is a good person. I love you Chad, I really do, too.
Princess
at 6:49 PM
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I AM CODY'S TYLER.
Princess
at 5:38 PM
*****************
it is so beautiful out today. I wish it could be like this more often, really.
Princess
at 5:07 PM
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It's is 6:18 in the morning. I woke up at 4 for the 7th time and couldn't go back to sleep, so here I am, typing on this goddamn blog like it's going to do me any good.
My stomach is making horrible noises, like it wants food. Thing is, I feel like if I put anything in my mouth, I'm going to throw up everywhere. Ugh.
I'm looking at myself in the mirror next to me, wondering if this is really how I look to everyone else. It's so odd to see myself and how I must appear speaking to others. I don't feel like I look like that girl at all. She's just so.. so. That hair is so shiny, her eyes are so big, she looks just so innocent, like nothing about her could be that wrong. Her fingers bounce around, thumping quickly on those tiny little keys..such precision, like she knows what she's doing. There's a diamond ring on her finger, reflecting brightly the computer light, shining with each slight move. She's not me. She can't be. From here you can't even see my scars. Just a little cat scratch.
Someone else is up. I hear them trying to be quiet. A light just turned on in the Scooby Doo bathroom. Maybe it's Brandon. Today's his birthday- 14 years old. Have I really been watching him that long? Seems like forever.
Some 14-year-old 5th grader on Mt. Raineer tried to molest my baby brother. I am burning with fury. I'm so glad that Kris decided to tell us. I want to protect him so badly from all the things that have happened to me. I want to kick that kid's ass so many times, to make up for all the things he was thinking of doing to my baby, and for every thing that was ever done to me. Fucking perverts.
The computer says 6:27. School begins in an hour. Cody will be there. I'm terrified to speak to him, see him. Xtian will be there. Terrified of him, too. I just don't feel like I could face either of them today with how I'm feeling and what I've done to myself. They're only cat scratches, right? Maybe on that girl. She isn't me.
I really need to see my psych. Really. I need to get out of this. Not that he really does anything, but at least then I have the confidence to look at myself and say 'you're getting help, so you're going to be ok'. Even though it might not be true. Who knows.
Well, off to.. listen to Manson. And then maybe get dressed. At least I don't have Spanish today.
Princess
at 6:22 AM
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Monday, October 13, 2003
I'm stuck wearing long sleeves and i hate it. They are not my friends. Then again, no one is. I think I have one, and all hell is loose. I am too horrible to keep anyone.
Xtian thinks he might love me. Cody doesn't. I don't. Xtian can't. He's kidding himself. So was I. And..oh the lies. I am lied to.
Chad degrades me. I forgive him, but the words are in my head, will not leave. I am nothing more than a suicidal maniac. And so why not get it over with? There is no point in living a life to die. I don't want to live tlike this any more, but I know I cannot live another way. Maybe I should end ait.
Cutting has lost it's healing power. As have I. I'm am too detatched, to disassociated. I need drugs. I need sedation. I need to do something midless.
My lilps burn.
Babysitting was aterrible. Children are evil.
I am cruell. Hate me, jusat do'tn kid me; don't lead me on to believe that you love me anymore. Fuckers.
Princess
at 8:33 PM
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Sunday, October 12, 2003
i went and visited brittany at work today *steaknshake*. she's effing adorable. i love her so much.
then i came home and just got into it with chad. i feel like crying or doing something really freaking selfdestructive for being such a horrible person. not that i said anything that wasn't true, because it was, but i was being too harshly honest again. damn me for being such an asshole.
cooma chad: heyhey
cooma chad: so how are you
ggglittersoresss: ugh. you?
cooma chad: i just got done doin my essay on acid
ggglittersoresss: i see
ggglittersoresss: perfect subject
cooma chad: hehe, why?
ggglittersoresss: hmmmmmmmmmmmm..........
cooma chad: acid is the perfect subject
ggglittersoresss: i bet
ggglittersoresss: i wouldn't know
cooma chad: do it.
cooma chad: i dare you
cooma chad: eh>?
ggglittersoresss: i can't.
ggglittersoresss: i'll FOR SURE commit suicide.
ggglittersoresss: or kill someone else.
cooma chad: why would you say that
ggglittersoresss: i am an insane person, chad. my brain chemicals are not those of a normal joe. i hallucinate naturally, trip naturally, and on drugs, am completely out of it.
cooma chad: or you could discover the key to all the deep seeded psycological problems you have
ggglittersoresss: i couldn't handle it. i started doing drugs to do acid, actually, but cory and i decided a long time ago that i can never do it.
cooma chad: im tellin you, you think you know what it would be like, but you so have no clue
ggglittersoresss: cory does.
ggglittersoresss: and he is 100 percent sure that for me, it would be very dangerous.
ggglittersoresss: you've never been with me on drugs. he has.
cooma chad: cory doesnt know if you would freak out, it all depends on the atmosphere
ggglittersoresss: no, i always freak out. and it's not the same for me. i'm prone to freaking out for no reason naturally, and i do it so much more on drugs.
ggglittersoresss: especially anything that is too much for my poor little body.
ggglittersoresss: i am THE LIGHTEST LIGHTWEIGHT EVER
cooma chad: thats why it would be intresting, im tellin you iv read all about the history, and people were perscribed it for really weird shit like your talkin about
ggglittersoresss: i know all about it's history too. i also know that the flashbacks would set off my psychotic attacks, chad. it would really hurt me.
cooma chad: i think it would be cool
ggglittersoresss: not for me it wouldn't
cooma chad: you would act all goofy
ggglittersoresss: wouldn't taht just be hilarious to see? haha. NO.
cooma chad: if i was you........
cooma chad: well im not gonna get into that
ggglittersoresss: if you were me, you'd be dead. there's no way you would've made it this far.
cooma chad: whatever if i was you, youd completely average
ggglittersoresss: you have no idea, chad. none at all. if i had led anything close to a remotely average lifestyle, you could possibly be right. but i haven't, so you aren't.
cooma chad: what is really average anyway
ggglittersoresss: not by any means what i've been through
cooma chad: have you overcame obstacles
cooma chad: have you faced advesity
cooma chad: have you been sexually discriminate upon
cooma chad: I KNOW I HAVE
ggglittersoresss: agh
ggglittersoresss: those are all small feats that you've mentioned, silly
ggglittersoresss: have you overcome sexual abuse?
ggglittersoresss: have you overcome neglect?
ggglittersoresss: have you successfully raised a child?
cooma chad: o god
ggglittersoresss: have you spent your entire life raising your anorexic mother?
cooma chad: thrice
ggglittersoresss: have you been stalked by at least 5 individuals?
cooma chad: hehe, i wish
ggglittersoresss: how many custody battles have you been in? i've been in at leaast 20
ggglittersoresss: how many times have you been in mental facilities?
cooma chad: thats where i have you beat
ggglittersoresss: how many times have you been the news' top story?
ggglittersoresss: how many times have y ou been in the ER for overdoses?
ggglittersoresss: how many times has your ceiling fallen in?
ggglittersoresss: how many pictures have you had in the art museum?
cooma chad: i have a querry
ggglittersoresss: how many times have you overcome bulemia, anorexia, and drug addiction?
ggglittersoresss: how many times have you had your life ripped into tiny little shreds?
cooma chad: tyler shut the fuck up
ggglittersoresss: how many times were you 5 and had to drive your dad's truck because he was drunk, couldn't drive, and had beaten your brother?
cooma chad: jesus
ggglittersoresss: ugh you shut the fuck up chad
cooma chad: what do you want a medal
ggglittersoresss: i would just like to know how the fuck you expect me to be normal dammit
cooma chad: you want added respect
ggglittersoresss: and why the fuck you are pressuring me into drugs you little bastard
ggglittersoresss: and why you think you're so fukcing mighty that you could've survived anything.
cooma chad: im lost
ggglittersoresss: all your life consists of is drugs, druggies, drama, and complaining.
cooma chad: wait
ggglittersoresss: and you act like i'm so ridiculous.
cooma chad: well maby il just go commit suicide, or have an identity crisis or pretend to commit suicide or have an identity crisis
ggglittersoresss: fuck you
ggglittersoresss: just fuck you man
cooma chad: maby ill just freak out over little shit
ggglittersoresss: you do, it's fucking ridiculous
ggglittersoresss: i have big shit to freak out over, or freak outs i can't fucking control. it sucks ass, and your fucking drug-toting lifestyle just doesn't work for me. so shut up.
cooma chad: lol @ supposed "drug toting lifestyle"
ggglittersoresss: it is chad. why do you think haylee doesn't want you anymore? because you ditch your real friends for drugs and throw a fucking hissy fit whenever your idiotic drug friends cheats you.
cooma chad: what are you tlaking about haylee is completly fine with me
cooma chad: when did i ditch my real friends?
ggglittersoresss: she really really liked you chad. she wanted you. and she doesn't want much of anything with you anymore. light friends, maybe. but that's it.
ggglittersoresss: you ditched haylee on more than one occassion.
ggglittersoresss: you ditched me on more than one occassion.
cooma chad: thats JANKTACULAR
ggglittersoresss: but i'm 100% sure that if we had drugs on hand, you would've been right fucking there.
cooma chad: man, you dont know me at all
cooma chad signed off at 10:22:09 PM.
ugh. i really feel horrible. why am i so cruel? and everyone wonders why have so much selfhatred. isn't it obvious?
Princess
at 10:22 PM
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Pepper
Burns my mouth, my throat
And I wonder..
Am I descendant of camels?
I take another bite
Eat away at my dieting plans.
Orange, yellow, clear
Set me free from all those calories.
It takes a bite
Eats away at my mass.
I hope it takes a chunk of myself
With it
Down those long, winding paths to freedom.
Fish heaven.
It eats away at my enamel.
On fingernails,
Porcelain,
Nonexistent teeth.
And my ever-so-guarded heart.
Of course it has enough acid
To eat right through me,
The walls my daddy gave
To compensate for break.
I take yet another of my reverse bites,
Reverse meals.
I’m only
feeding the poor submerged, lost alligators.
I’m only
Providing camouflage for the lost love of perky children.
We take another bite,
Me and my coping.
Princess
at 4:51 PM
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*yawns* woke up maybe an hour and a half ago. patrick from last night called me already. *coughdesperatecough*. interesting. the whole time i'm thinking... this person could never write me a poem, never have an intelligent conversation with me, could never appreciate art the way i do. and it's sad. not that that makes him any less, just that... sad.
ok, so i am a liar. cody did call me yesterday, i was just already gone. but not calling until 10 counts as not calling. xtian says he was at his aunt's. argh.
i am a terribly cruel person. tsk at me. as of right now, i'm ok with that though. i accept myself as a bitch. tis the yin and yang of all things, i spose. ah. *tsks self again* i am much to cruel.
i need to lose weight. it's time to be constructive about this. well, more constructive. i WILL lose two inches by christmas. i will. *pats self on head*. ugh, my mood changes too often for a real diet though. maybe i'll just go vegan and eat next to nothing. that should work. a diet of carrots and triscuits doesn't leave much room for anything, now does it?
off to the list of junk food for vegans on peta then. i think i'm going to be serious about this. yay.
Princess
at 1:37 PM
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