Sunday, November 30, 2003
i am so tired of being threatened with suicide. it freaks me out so hard. i'm so scared of anyone leaving me, i'm so scared, it's like i counsel them through and have my own little breakdown and half the time it's not even fair, it's because they won't get help or just sit around and torture me with it when they don't even mean it like i'm not going to just have a bilion panic attacks and bawl my eyes out i can't stand to see anyone hurt i feel like it' sm y fault so hard and i just hatehatehate that. it's like, almost daily now someone telling me they're suicidal i feel liek i don't know a suicide hotlikne and it freaks me out hardcore.
aoifnvaoe;ijfraar i can't stop crying.
Princess at 11:15 PM
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it's 10:58, and instead of reflecting on my day or weekend, i'm discussing penis sizes of past fucks here online with ricci. comparing one boy to another, trading number stats and overall pleasure experiences. it's nice to talk to someone else who isn't a virgin but isn't a slut, either. woohoo.
Princess at 10:58 PM

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brittentay: but wow, he was hott but NOT the greatest kisser
brittentay: sooo tried to swallow my face at least 3 times
ggglittersoresss: haha
ggglittersoresss: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
brittentay: i know
ggglittersoresss: i would die
brittentay: whoa, keep ur tongue in ur own mouth for a few there pal
Princess at 1:52 PM

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BOBBI CARSON DO NOT READ THIS. i love you though.
and probably everyone else also do not read this, it's terribly something i'm sure no one wants to know but since this is my journal i want to journal it. so yeah, don't read it, it's gross.

omg i am like, so elated. last night was so way awesome and a half. well, the whole day was. cody called at like, 3, and he was like this is clevenger's escort serivce..we were wondering if you want one of your very own, right now. it was great, i've missed our stupid greetings way hard. but yeah, i was like so when are you coming over and he was like i'm almost there. and i was like....i have to get dressed. and yeah we watched tv for awhile and stuff...and i don't know i love being near him...and then we went to evil church and then jerry wanted to go eat at alanta bread, which i love so hard so i was all about it, but when we got there like, john was working and steve was our little register guy and he looked at me funny. but yeah, of course cody wouldn't eat, pf. anyway, after we got home jerry went to the hospital and i got kris to leave us alone in brandon's room and OH MY DEAREST GOD. all that crazy horniness thing you know, from yeah being tension-filled...all gone. *giggles*. it was so great. and yeah, so i got him to admit i'm his goddess even..repeatedly. and then jerry got home and we watched SNL and MADtv in le kitchen and i threw apple cider all over him, so he chased me around..it was hilarious. it was all sticky in his hair, haha. but yeah after we cleaned all that up we went in the backroom and laid on the couch and fell asleep. he called his dad around 3:30 i think, i don't know i was still in my sleeping mode. it was seriously and totally the comftiest thing i ever experience in my whole entire life. he carried me into the living room to wait and we turned all the lights off and stuff so we could see his dad pulling up and aosifnsodihvaoirj....it was so awesome, just like wow i don't know i never felt so close to him before, even though i was barely awake. i was trying to talk i think, but i couldn't really make complete sentences haha. it was so crazy though.. i mean, when he kissed me *which he actually made the point to do for like the first time ever, and it was a whole lot, too* it was like woah check me out i'm a million little melting melters...and usually that would gross me out so hardcore, but i really, really like it. really. everything's just like, so comfty with him and woah. ew i sound so gross. haha. but yeah, last night was like the greatest night ever ever ever and wow i'm like, so happy and renewed and stuff. we were giggling last night, and i cracked some joke about how he'd have to call rose because she totally thinks i'm this huge slut anyway and when i was over there on monday or whatever, she called and i told her he was busy and wouldn't be done for awhile and didn't want to know what he was doing...haha....it was so funny, because i think he really will knowing him.

oh yeah! and i started wanting taco bell really bad for some reason, and i was like woah i want a double decker taco supreme with no meat and his eyes lit up and he was like DID YOU JUST SAY DOUBLE DECKER SUPREME?? MARRY ME! it was so cute. i was like...ok. funfunfun.

um i don't really have anything else to write about. except that i have a couple of really really really reallllllllllllllly terrible bruises on my chest and if they aren't gone by the time the xmas dance rolls around i am so killing him because it's going to hang out of the dress i want, ugh. haha, i don't really mind though. which is gross.

i want some taco bell so hard. jerry needs to hurry and get home so i can get some. mmmmmmm tacosssss.
Princess at 1:36 PM

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Saturday, November 29, 2003
i.....am relieved.
Princess at 10:24 PM

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KillingSeptember: bah
KillingSeptember: where are ya?
ggglittersoresss: here
KillingSeptember: what's up?
ggglittersoresss: sorting something out sorry.
KillingSeptember: ?
ggglittersoresss: i just really have a problem with people telling my friends that they're horrible people who are so low and whatnot.
ggglittersoresss: and i'm constructively informing the offenser.
KillingSeptember: Bah..still on that kind of crap?
ggglittersoresss: unfortunately.
ggglittersoresss: i can't stand it.
ggglittersoresss: it's one of those things that just kind of haunts you no matter what.
ggglittersoresss: like...why, oh why, must you be so low-lifed?
ggglittersoresss: not you.
ggglittersoresss: the general public.
KillingSeptember: Yeah well, the more you defend your friends, the weaker the are.
ggglittersoresss: i don't think i agree with that statement.
ggglittersoresss: i truly believe that not only should you stand up for yourself, but when someone is particularly irksome in insulting a friend and happens to be so loud and obnoxious and in EVERYONE's face, it needs to be dealt with
KillingSeptember: People should stand up for themselves and their own ordeals. Anyone that lets someone else defend them, they are weak. That is my opinion thought.
KillingSeptember: Either way, if you are going to deal with someone, then you should make sure it is because that person did something to affect you personally. Not because they called one of you friend a dog shit taco or something.
ggglittersoresss: that doesn't surprise me.
ggglittersoresss: haha.
KillingSeptember: And why doesn't that suprise you?
ggglittersoresss: it's a very you thing to say.
KillingSeptember: Yeah well. It is my opinion because I never had anyone stand up for me when someone was talking shit, and I am still alive. So..whateva'
ggglittersoresss: yeah, doesn't happen for me either. but..i'm protective..
ggglittersoresss: and i only ever say anything when it's just..out of line and loudly and obnoxiously so in my face that i can't escape it.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well you act like you are peoples mothers sometimes.
ggglittersoresss: i know. i'ts because i take care of everyoen.
ggglittersoresss: i've always been everyone's mother.
KillingSeptember: Yeah..well.. You shouldn't
ggglittersoresss: *shrug*.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, you "always" have been. And you wonder why you can't take care of yourself
ggglittersoresss: no, i know WHY i can't take care of myself. it's just the HOW to do it that i ponder.
ggglittersoresss: i'm too busy with everyone else.
ggglittersoresss: and what does "always" mean?
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well. I am suprised you can't understand that you are so stuck on everyone else that you can't help yourself.,
ggglittersoresss: i understand that much.
KillingSeptember: And I quotated always because it was the key word in the sentence
ggglittersoresss: i mean, i get the basic principles. it's the transitioning i don't understand.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well, if you understand it, then I don't belive that you CAN'T help yourserlf from doing things.
ggglittersoresss: and i've never really had someone who just mothered me or took care of me, and it makes me want to give everyone i love what i don't get to have for some twisted deep-seeded reason.
ggglittersoresss: like i said, i just have no idea where one goes from here.
ggglittersoresss: i kind of like being the person who will take care of other people, i just don't like the way it takes away from myself.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well, I have never had a father that has fathered me, but I don't father everyone. Everything you do is a choice you make. The only think you need to do is make the right choices.
ggglittersoresss: ..are you using yourself as an example who made all the right choices?
ggglittersoresss: what i mean is that.. i never had anyone who just kind of.. nurtured me, ever.
ggglittersoresss: and the couple of times i did, i fucked it up so hard and realized that i'm just obviously nto worth that.
ggglittersoresss: and i don't want anyone else to feel this wya.
ggglittersoresss: so i won't let them.
KillingSeptember: I have made more wrong choices than I have right. I am saying that you just make poor choices.
ggglittersoresss: ...i know i am.
ggglittersoresss: but that whole over protective mother thing is the least of my worries.
KillingSeptember: Then you shouldn't be saying ggglittersoresss: like i said, i just have no idea where one goes from here.
KillingSeptember: I think that you worry about all of thje wrong things. But then again, all I say now, is only my opinion, and something for you to consider while making a choice.
ggglittersoresss: what SHOULD i be worrying about in your opinion?
KillingSeptember: Yourself.
ggglittersoresss: because.. i worry about my eating disorder and my general wellbeing, as well as everyone else's general well being.
ggglittersoresss: and that's about it.
ggglittersoresss: well, i mean for hte top of the list.
KillingSeptember: --The List--
#1. Yourself.
ggglittersoresss: because...man i worry about everything, i don't see how it could be all the wrong things when it's EVERYTHING on tha dumb list.
KillingSeptember: Look. Don't put everything in some order of importance. Just worry about yourself. Because no matter who you think you are helping, you're not. If you can't help yourself, then you are not anywhere near fit to help anyone else.
ggglittersoresss: ..i don't think so!
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well. Hopefully you will find out the hard way.
ggglittersoresss: i better be helping some people or man there are a lot of liars and my entire life has been a waste.
ggglittersoresss: ..gee, thanks, the hardway..
ggglittersoresss: that's what i was hoping for
ggglittersoresss: pf!
KillingSeptember: Yeah well.. When you finally hit bottom, and find out the hard way, then you will have to make a choice.
ggglittersoresss: ..you've been missing some things to think i haven't hit bottom yet, dear.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well. I haven't talked to you in a good long while, and I haven't talked about you, or heard anything about you for a long time. So whatever you have said or done in the past months, I have no idea about. So, maybe I did miss something.
ggglittersoresss: yup.
KillingSeptember: Then maybe someday, you will figure out something for yourself.
ggglittersoresss: i really and truly hope that you're wrong. if i've never helped anyone... everything i've ever done is totally worthless.
ggglittersoresss: and i figure out a lot for myself, thank you.
KillingSeptember: Yeah, well. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. Who am I to say?
ggglittersoresss: it bothers me the way you act like i'm some four year old who can't know the meaning of life like all-knowing you.
KillingSeptember: You think I know all?
ggglittersoresss: i mean.. i know my fair share, john.
KillingSeptember: Hahahahahaha
ggglittersoresss: no, i think you act that way.
ggglittersoresss: at least to me, with all these lectures.
KillingSeptember: I only try to say things to make people think, or maybe think of other alternatives to problems they haven't solved yet. I only know what I know.
KillingSeptember: Which isn't alot. I will be all-knowing when I die. So I have still yet alot to learn.
ggglittersoresss: i just.. john, i think a lot. it's pretty much all i ever do. so far, i've learned everything the hard way, and rarely do i not do the alternative.
ggglittersoresss: you should know me well enough to know at least that much.
ggglittersoresss: and know that i can't stand being talked down to.
ggglittersoresss: if you're going to give me advice..level with me here.
KillingSeptember: Well, to tell you the truth. As time passed, I began to think I don't know you well at all.
ggglittersoresss: so i noticed.
KillingSeptember: I'm not giving you advice. I am only typing down the thoughts in my head. Everything I have said is my opinion, which is far from advice.
ggglittersoresss: it's just weird. you go from being 17 to being 70 even in your word selection.
KillingSeptember: Yeah.. Well, I don't know you. So if I could give advice to anyone, I couldn't to you, because I don't know you.
ggglittersoresss: it seems that very few people do.
KillingSeptember: The way I think and talk are just different I guess. Just know that everything I have typed out here, were just my thoughts. Don't make a mistake as taking it as advice.
ggglittersoresss: ok.
KillingSeptember: I am going to sleep.
ggglittersoresss: sweet dreams.
KillingSeptember: Sweet dreams kid.
ggglittersoresss: night night.
ggglittersoresss: AND I AM NOT A KID.
KillingSeptember: Sorry princess
ggglittersoresss: thank you.
KillingSeptember: 8-)
ggglittersoresss: fucker.
ggglittersoresss: if anyone is the kid, it's you eyebrows.
KillingSeptember: Schalfen sie gut
ggglittersoresss: zxodinfasejral.
KillingSeptember signed off at 3:31:24 AM.
Princess at 3:24 AM

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ah, i forgot something crucial.
last night on the phone, twiggy goes "you're a virgin, aren't you?".
i was ready to jump through the phone and hug him.. it had been so long since someone assumed that.
yay for me.
Princess at 3:13 AM

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ggglittersoresss: pf i SAID j to le k! what more do you want, cracka?
YunggMann: i dunno
YunggMann: to be black i guess
YunggMann: so then people would love me because THEY HAVE TO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

ggglittersoresss: ha. why? i mean, i don't even know what's going on except that bobbi never liked her and then today she took you away from me on two occassions.
TwiztidWarriorX: -shrugs-...who knows
ggglittersoresss: ...my ass is hotter, haha
TwiztidWarriorX: it is
TwiztidWarriorX: no arguement here
TwiztidWarriorX: lol
TwiztidWarriorX: took me away from you
TwiztidWarriorX: thats funny
ggglittersoresss: she did! iwas like....you suck, lady, yelling at him and RUDELY interrupting us!
ggglittersoresss: i mean, on TWO occassions!
ggglittersoresss: she couldn't steal you from someone ELSE every once in awhile???
TwiztidWarriorX: -blushes-...thank you
ggglittersoresss: pf it's the truth!
TwiztidWarriorX: oh god forbid she takes me away from YOU
TwiztidWarriorX: lol
ggglittersoresss: FOR REAL
ggglittersoresss: i mean, she had allkinds of opportunites but she had to pick the ones where i was there

ggglittersoresss: i'm shaking because i'm so cold
ggglittersoresss: ugh
YunggMann: here have a sweater
YunggMann: :-D
YunggMann: my love will keep you warm
YunggMann: hehe ima use that in a song
ggglittersoresss: for real
YunggMann: but hopefully its true
ggglittersoresss: and if you're cold use my sweater, let my lay my hands upon you and my love will keep you warm.
ggglittersoresss: there, insta-lyric just for you.
ggglittersoresss: *me
YunggMann: you should use that
ggglittersoresss: nah, i made it for you
ggglittersoresss: it's like...a birthday present in advance
ggglittersoresss: haha
YunggMann: yah but you made it
YunggMann: oh ok then
ggglittersoresss: most people make sweaters, but i make lyrics



TwiztidWarriorX: Raven2288: Puggy. I hate you. I really do. You mad my life hell already. I just want you to know I hate you more than anything right now. Your such a horrible person. You don't care about anyone but yourself. YOur so selfish. You always were. I dont know why I was friends with you. I hate you so much.
ggglittersoresss: feel ya
ggglittersoresss: FUCK THAT BITCH
ggglittersoresss: SHE'S HEARING FROM ME NOW
TwiztidWarriorX: oh
TwiztidWarriorX: use big words
TwiztidWarriorX: she cant understand them
TwiztidWarriorX: lol



Princess at 3:09 AM

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Friday, November 28, 2003
and by the way, he DID stand me up today. i feel like such a loser.

i waited around at the mall for the entire day for bob. she showed up eventually, but all in all it wasn't very long. i talked to john for a big chunk of my day, and it was odd in the sense that it was really our first time interacting in person. honestly, it was less scary than i thought it would be.. i mean, it was fine. i was a little freaked out though that he knew i like bitch and animal. because they're not exactly a known band, and he just kind of randomly mentioned them.. and i was like.. HOW DID YOU KNOW I LIKED THEM??? i was so taken back by that, even though it's small, because i don't even talk about them unless it's in here. and that's when that occured to me.. maybe he reads this. bob said he does before i even said anything about my theory. which was weird. i feel violated in some abstract way, just because it's been all this time and he's made such a big deal about how i'm dead and how he never even thinks about me... and knowing gullible me, i took that at face value. i never really stopped to think that maybe he just said that. but i guess when i think about it.. he knew when my last day was, too, and left that message on my board, but i hadn't told anyone but christian, cody, and the blog. i mean, haylee didn't even know until i got to school on friday. hm. i wonder what he thinks of me, anyway. probably thinks i'm a tramp, but i guess that's ok with me. i don't really care. he keeps saying i have no morals, and even if he IS joking, it's persistent enough that he has to believe it a little bit.

i just remember that i have pumpkin pie downstairs. i think it's calling my name.
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettie! beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeettie!
Princess at 11:44 PM

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poem written on my leg in the food court when heather went out to smoke.
*

love lived and
love lost
we discuss the way
our whines
intertwine
with our hearts.
that love
the way we're
scarred
marred
by a small situation
forever with us...
*

wow, it sucks. these odd journaling poems.... are not my friends. maybe cody's slipping me the writer's block again. fuck.
Princess at 11:32 PM

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Thursday, November 27, 2003
cody came over last night, and i was really upset because he was like 3 hours late and i'm not sure what happened but.....i went into one of my weirdo modes and cried and freaked out about how much i hate boys and myself and yeah, that's what that pound and a half entry was about. ha, sorry bout that. of course, as soon as he walked in, it was like.....oop, all better. i don't know what the crap that's all about, i really don't. i think about it in a sort of cartoon way, like i was crying and it was dark and you could hear storms and then as soon as he walks in it gets all bright and like, little birds start chriping or something. hah, i'm definitely a psycho.

anyway, he calmed me all down really quick and made me all happy. he had on this fuzzy red sweater that totally cracked me up because it had a little hole in the nipple. it was odd, because i was like man, this sweater reminds me of christmas and he was like I KNOW and yeah how it felt like we should be in a log cabin in winter in front of a fire opening presents...i love our like mindedness. we just kind of sat around on the 70s couch and stuff before going downstairs and eating...yeah he actually ate! woohoo! ha, it was only salsa, but i was only eating guacamole so it was a fair trade. then my mom starting being..herself and telling us how she watched a sex change opertion on TV, and mary had to ask how it was accomplished and so of course, they're both medical people so she explains it in detail. they like, invert the dick..it was so cool, i was totally interested, but it scared the crap outta him so we watched forensic files in the backroom. i'm such a toddler the way i lay all over people. i just like to be comfty, that's all.

he wants to come over tomorrow, but i don't know...it would be like him to standme up, haha. he's so dead set on it though, maybe he'll surprise me. i realllllly wanted to see bobbi sometime this weekend, and kristen wanted to spend the night tomorrow, too, so i don't know what's going on. i want to see him so bad though. it's so hard on me never seeing him now. maybe that sounds really stupid, but i mean even seeing him in the hall for thirty seconds means the world to me. i write about this way too much.

anyway, i actually fell asleep right after he left, which was only 10:30. i don' t remember falling asleep that early ever in my whole life, so i was proud. of course i woke up in the middle of the night and was up forever, but it was better than nothing. i had weeeeeeeird ass dreams that i slept with a bunch of people at some weird moviehouse-hotel, and then that i was a farmer and i was like, sharing a room wtih cody and we were like laying in bed and this glowing fish showed up outside my window and he was freaking out and i was like, no, it's ok, it's only angel she's here all the time. i wonder what that was spossed to mean. and oh then i was going to this like christian retreat but it ended up in this weird ass little warehouse that was so fucking dirty and it felt a lot like children of the corn except no one was pious and they all raped me on a filth-covered tile gray floor. and as soon as i could, i left without my things, but i had to go back to get this my little pony i left except it had rained in there and it was ruined and i was SO UPSET. but yeah, i think what surprised me most was that i was in that moviehouse-farm thing, and i was really really bored and chris walked in and like we just started making out hardcore, and i was like......woah. what the world?! weird fucking dreams..maybe it was the guacamole.

john just i.m.ed me, and it was hilarious.
Greenskysfall: Want to to cabbage hunting?
ggglittersoresss: ....what's that?
Greenskysfall: I dunno.. I want to kill something, and there is no one to go with. So since you probably won't kill some animals, I figure I would get a golf club and go maim some cabbages

yeah. um, i'm giong to...do something else now. love.
Princess at 10:50 PM

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drain x november: ::super duper big through the computer huggage::

drain x november: that so was the greatest thing almost ever.

ggglittersoresss: are you leaving me?
drain x november: i'm not leaving you.
ggglittersoresss: are you sure?
drain x november: beyond.
ggglittersoresss: are you going to in the future?
drain x november: not if i have any say so in it.
ggglittersoresss: ....are you really really sure?
ggglittersoresss: do you right triple pinky promise?
drain x november: super duper positively 100 million bajillion fifty thousand pinky promises sure.


Princess at 10:31 PM

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rainbowraynedrop: Tyler=so much sexier than the sexiest photo of Bettie Page :-D

Sliceafruitcake: i know you can do it. your like my very own tomas the engine


Princess at 9:56 PM

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sweetinnocent
barbie killer
cutting up that
shiny image
mutilating
serial killer
cutting up that
plastic love.
tiny fingers
serve no purpose
while she's lacking her own cunt
cut a little
mutilating
give her some of that
plastic love.
my tiny fingers
serve no purpose
with your dick shoved in my cunt
fucking rapist
cut my innocence
gimme some of that
plastic love.
barbie killer
shave her hair off
expose that paleplastic
naked scalp
mutilator
shave my hair off
prepubescent
naked unknowns.
yeah, barbie killer
eat out my innocence
gimme some of your
plastic love.
Princess at 9:40 PM

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Wednesday, November 26, 2003
i gained a pound and a half oh my god i hate myself so hard i cant stop gaining weight i just want to cut it off just cut it off i can't beliefve i gained a pound and a half i didn't even let myself keep down lunch today god dogosjtoaijgod i'm crying so hard i hate boys i hate myself i hatehatehatehate so much and i hate this feeling and ihate how fat i feeel i can't believe i gained so much
Princess at 6:35 PM

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eversosweet016: much love

this....is why i stay alive.
Princess at 3:01 PM

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access not excess
i give myself
as an excuse to relieve
the guilt trip.
but still i am
tripping on guilt,
falling that long, embarrassing fall
in slow motion
in front of some notorious crowd,
as always.
a step up on previous ways.
i am still short
of that graceful walk.
someday, in shoes that fit,
i will glide through my notorious psyche
on rollerskates,
with swan arabesque
70's disco style.
until then,
excuse all that wasted time
in slow motion.

Princess at 2:52 PM

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NINJAS FO LIFE.
Princess at 2:45 PM

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my tummy really hurts. i think it might have something to do with the fact that i ate like, ten breadsticks last night, but yeah....it's painful. i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired. i went to bed at 3 *well i fell asleep on the couch*, and everybody came in this morning at like 6 all loud and shit. i just want to go back to sleep, but i'm so tired i can't. does that make sense? and man, i really should've slept welllllllll after what i did last night....muahhaha.. soinfoosdindoafijvaddva stupid tummy being a hurter, i hate my dumb donut. man ten breadsticks. i haven't been able to eat like t hat in a LONG time. since like, forever. well, actually eaten it anyway. i don't like this process of trying to stretch back out my stomach. it's not cool. i remember the last time i had to do this....it sucked. but i had cory with me every single step of the way, teaching me how to eat big things again. what was that? summer after 7th grade. when he found out i was so seriously anorexic, when he found out at all that i was bulemic. i remember sitting at his house when he'd ordered a pizza, and eating an entire slice for the first time in forever. it hurt like such a bitch. i cried, but i was ready to throw a party. i hadn't been that proud of myself since i was little. my stomach was a whole lot smaller then.. but i wasn't such a weird binge freak. one time in sixth grade, i remember my stomach making these horrid noises in class because i hadn't eaten in DAYS, and winning two jolly ranchers for answering some questions right and deciding to actually eat them. i was so full. it was like... holy crap, that's not a good sign. wowo i cna't believe i just thought of that. welllll i guess i'm going to go lay down. man i bet this is really full of weird stuff. i'm not rereading it. it's so early, i have no idea what i'm doing. aoisnvoadfiufgoierfnljddv. lovel.
Princess at 8:32 AM

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some other idiot yelled at momma britt today about cutting, telling her shit that she does it for attention and should kill herself and shit.... i took him down with my amazing argumentative ability, haha. his best comeback was "i'll stab you too, bitch!:", but i was like....I'M A CUTTER, REMEMBER! GO AHEAD AND STAB ME, I'LL LIKE IT! i was cracking up. he was deeply annoyed, which was my goal. fucking idiot. i'm so hyper and defensive right now.....NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY LOVES. i'm ready to take the biatch down, haha. i told britt... i'm ready to confront him, mercilessly watch him scramble for comebacks, and pull out whatever he thinks he's going to stab me with....i'll take him down! rawr! it really takes a lot to freak me out in that kind of situation. i'm too protective of her to even think about stupid shit like him and his running mouth. aoivmaeroijfodifnvsodiufjoaisdjraoisdru seriously i'm about to take him out. it's really funny. i'm like, burning with this adrenaline rush. mmmmmmmm. i forgot why i love this so much. i miss so much adrenaline in my system. i used to have it all the time when i was a sex addict, but now it's like i barely ever get my fixes. i'm being good though and not overindulging. yay for self-control, it's really and truly something i'm getting a better hang of.

speaking of which, i think i'm going to go have some mountain dew, get a few days ahead in school, and clean my room. i'm so...pumped right now. rawwwwr!

i love you so hard momma. i'll do ANYTHING for you, i'm glad you feel protected. *kiss to all*.
Princess at 1:23 AM

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
went to school, and chris, hay, and cody were waiting for me. we had a blast sitting in my car doing nothing. i love them so much. i just adore my friends. so often, people say not to use 'the L word' too often or it'll lose meaning. but when i say it, i mean it. i really love you guys. reaaaaaaally. anyway, chris hugged me for sooooooo long before we left, and it felt so great to have someone just hug me and know that they aren't looking for more or whatever, know that it isn't because they feel obligated to do it. and he is such a sweetheart.

cody and chris have pretty hipbones. they think they're so ugly, and said they hate their indentations but....i think it's the most beautiful thing alive. i wish i were that skinny, i love skinny people. omg he said the funniest thing though about me. he was touching my tummy and i was like DONT PET MY DONUT THAT'S GROSS IT'S FAT and he was like..."no, you gotta have meat on the bones or there's no point in eating it." i laughed so hard, i thought i was going to pee myself. it was so cute, and it took cody a minute to get it. but man, it was the greatest thing i'd heard in awhile.

i don't know what i'm going to do this evening. i don't have anything to do, really, which sucks. maybe i'll go to the store or something to keep myself busy or work ahead on the program so i can take a few days off school. that's so convenient.

i feel cute today. this is a good thing. fat, but cute.

i'm so glad i haven't started my period yet. if i can delay it a few more days, i'll throw a party or buy someone a pizza or something. woooooooooooohoo.
Princess at 5:26 PM

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the computer men are here fucking with our new comp, and they've been here since maybe 10:45 *it's 2, the times this thing says it is is way off*. i guess they're going to ahve to move it upstairs outside my room because there's something wrong with it. i'm annoyed because i really just want to go cash my check but can't without my mom and yeah she and i were going to rejoin the Y today, too, but can't because of the fucking computer idiots. i swear they're like dumb and dumber, it's so weird. alsdijfoijvdoijf i'm getting ready to go visit le school. so yeah, ima go get dressed. love.
Princess at 1:54 PM

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Monday, November 24, 2003
If I were a month, i'd be : June?
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Friday.
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 3 in the morning.
If I were a planet, I'd be: Pluto? I just loooove that name. Maybe the sun. Bright and obnoxious and full of disgusting cancer-giving rays that no one notices and pretty from far away but burning and yucky when you get too close. Yeah, the sun.
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: a sea monster!!!!!!!! ahhh!
If I were a direction, I'd be: down.
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a comfy bouncy bed!
If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Joan of Arc. crazy, and willing to stand up for her beliefs no matter how insane and stupid they are. and a witch.
If I were a liquid, I'd be: blood.
If I were a tree, I'd be a: a gumball tree with those little prickly things that no one likes. OR A MONEY TREE!
If I were a bird, I'd be a: AHHHHH DAMN NAZIS!!!!!!!!!!!!! cept penguins and flamingos, of whom do not count as birds..they're undercover.
If I were a tool, I'd be: hah, a sex toy?
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: black rose or a venus fly trap.
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: a pretty storm, with hail.
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be a: medusa.
If I were a musical instrument, I'd be: a voice.
If I were an animal, I'd be a: a kitten.
If I were a color, I'd be: hot pink with smudges of other ones.
If I were an emotion, I'd be: something extreme.
If I were a vegetable, I'd be: a wild onion.
If I were a sound, I'd be: a loud, high-pitched scream.
If I were an element, I'd be: a skateboard, haha.
If I were a car, I'd be a: short bus, haha. nah, i'd probably be one of those fancy new twinkiemobiles, or a batmobile.
If I were a song, I'd be: poor impulse control by *jack off jill*.
If I were a movie, I'd be: a mix of rosemary's baby, 10 things i hate about you, fight club, and breakfast at tiffany's.
If I were a book, I'd be: bitch by lizzy wurtzel.
If I were a food, I'd be: a grapefruit or a nacho supreme with no meat.
If I were a place, I'd be: downtown disney with a few hookers thrown in.
If I were a material, I'd be: tulle.
If I were a taste, I'd be: blood.
If I were a scent, I'd be: cotton candy.
If I were a religion, I'd be: satanism probably.
If I were a word, I'd be: eccentric.
If I were an object, I'd be a: used, torn up barbie.
If I were a body part, I'd be: a tongue.
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: art.
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: the lip bite.
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: mandy, gaz, a carebear, the idiot from strawberry shortcake, catwoman, and dee dee all in one.
If I were a shape, I'd be a: a blob.
If I were a number, I'd be: two.

last cuss word uttered: i don't utter. i yell.
last word spoken: love.
last sexual fantasy: cody and pain.
last weird encounter: katelyn over the weekend, and a lot of weird stuff this weekend.
last time amused: i just drove off without looking back.
last time hugged: big bird an hour ago.
last shirt worn: one that i made. the front says 'sigmund can suck it!' and the back says 'fuck freud!'
last show attended: xfest, which doesn't really count as a show.. so um one of the ones over the summer.

STYLE

1. clothing: happy, mood-fitting.
2. music: mood-fitting.
3. Make up: eccentric or nothing.
4. body art: a ridiculous amount of scars, lots and lots of words in pen, usually some poetry somewhere, my nipple kitty, happy plastic earrings.


EITHER / OR / NEITHER / NOR

1. tea or coffee: YUCK!
2. achiever or slacker: depends on the subject.
3. beer or cider: cider.
4. drinks or shots: shots.
5. cats or dogs: cats.
6. single or taken: in between. status-single, heart-taken.
7. pen or pencil: pen for writing, pencil for drawing.
8. gloves or mittens: *shrugs*.
9. food or candy: CANDY!
10. cassette or cd: CD.
There is no number 12.
13. matches or a lighter: LIGHTER!
14. sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: huh?
15. Rickie lake or Jenny Jones: you spelled RICCI wrong.



WHO DO YOU WANT TO...

1. kill: let's not talk about that.
2. hear from: katelyn and nikki.
3. get really wasted with: cody. it sounds like fun.
4. look like: bettie.
5. be like: haylee. in a perfect world. not that i'm going to try, though.
6. avoid: let's not talk about that.



LAST PERSON YOU...AND WHEN?

1. touched: cody about an hour ago.
2. talked to: my mom on the phone about an hour ago.
3. hugged: cody an hour ago.
4. instant messaged: no one.
5. kissed: cody..youknowwhen.
6. Who broke your heart: bobbi a few days ago.


HAVE YOU EVER...

1. Dated one of your best friends?: of course.
6. Ran away from home?: yup.
11. Flashed someone?: all the time. my riot sisters and i used to go driving topless, and set goals on like what ethnicity or age group to find and flash that night. it was hilarious.
12. Mooned Someone?: out the back window with the grrrls.
19. Cheated on your Boy/Girlfriend?: unfortunately, many times. *bites lip, tsks self*.
21. Eaten a worm/mud pie?: OMG when i was little at the softball diamonds, danielle, katy, lisa and i used to eat mud pies out of little tins when we were hungry. no, we weren't poor, dirty white trash!
23. Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up?: all the time. last night, my dreams consisted of me going back to school to take one course like i'm thinking of doing, and getting kicked out of class. of course, i was at perry but everyone i ran into was from BG. the rest of my dreams were that i was some poor russian immigrant and my father was part of the russian mafia, and we were on the run a lot. i woke up about 40 times.. it's called insomnia, haha.



WHAT IS...

2. Your bedroom like?: messy. my dog ate it a couple weeks ago, and i haven't cleaned that up because i've been so mad at that dang room, and also my dresser just fell over out of nowhere and everything on top slid off onto the floor.

ARE YOU...

1. A Vegetarian?: FOR SURE!
2. A Good Student?: when i'm not being a sick grrrl.
3. Good At Sports?: horrible, horrible terrible.
5. A Good Singer?: sometimes.
6. A good Actor/Actress?: hopefully..it's what i hope to do with a lot of my life.. so if i'm not, i'm screwed.
7. A deep sleeper?: no.
8. A Good Dancer?: i better be after so many years and so many millions of dollars put into that skill..
9. Shy?: sometimes.
10. Outgoing?: often.
11. A good storyteller?: yeah, i'm really animated and loopy, so everything comes out of me hilariously awkward.

Princess at 4:54 PM

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Sunday, November 23, 2003
-- Name : bettie tyler.
-- Birthday : september twenty-sixth.
-- Current Location : my upstairs backroom.
-- Eye Color : blue/green/grey.
-- Hair Color : brown and blonde for now *ugh*.
-- Righty or Lefty : righty.
-- Zodiac Sign : **libra**.

[ your favorite ]

-- Music : jack off jill.
-- Cartoon : um.. billy and mandy or zim, i think.
-- Color : HOT sparkly pink.
-- Slushy Flavor : red, but not the kind that taste like cough syrup. ew.
-- Magazine : bitch.
-- TV Show : umm buffy or leave it to beaver.
-- Song at the Moment: at the very second? um. um. horrible, joj.
-- Language : i love english, but i love hearing german because it's so pretty.
-- Spice Girl : GINGER!
-- Food & Beverage: ugh not right now, please.
-- Subject in School : art and english. now, it's buffy and the internet. hah.
-- Weekend Activity : saturdays with cody and movie nights with nikki and company.
-- Ice Cream Flavor : margarita ice.
-- Roller Coaster : BATMAN!

[ opposite sex ]
-- Best eye color? : deep brown. *melts*.
-- Best hair color? : hot pink.
-- Short or long hair? : long and pretty or short and spiky.
-- Best height? : ridiculously tall.
-- Best weight? : extremely skinny so i can play with le hipbones.
-- Best articles of clothing? : boxers so i can take them *muahaha*.
-- Best first date location? : disneyworld.
-- What facial feature do you find the most attractive?: big pretty suckyouin eyes.

[ past ]

--First grade teacher's name: mrs. melbert.
--Last thing you said: "ingesting flesh and bone makes me a cannibal." hah.
--Last song you sang: oh, i just put that. oops.

[ present ]

--What's in your cd player? lateralus*tool*
--What color socks are you wearing? one white with a glittery pink pig, one multiple shades of pink stripes with a glittery heart on the side.
--What's under your bed? a whole lot of crap, trash, and work-in-progress clothing articles.
--What time did you wake up at today? hah we weren't allowed to have watched at the awakening *we were on 'gods time'*, but i'm pretty sure it was about 5:30.
--Current mood: tired, but wired. hah. rhyming.
--Current music: ..did i already answer this?
--Current taste: code red aftertaste. ew, i better take another drink.
--Current hair: messiness bun. it's clean, though!
--Current clothes: those happy socks, mah only brand name shirt that is pink striped and gorgeous, john's old big fat navy pants, bettie bra, oscar the ground underwear, and my white V volatiles.
--Current annoyance: mixed emotions.
--Current smell: teen christian girl scent lingering from a few hours ago..
--Current longing: to be held by a bird.
--Current desktop picture: last year's church directory picture.
--Current favourite artist: dali, geiger.
--Current colour of toenails: purpley brown.
--Current crush: that big bird.
--Current time-wasting wish: sleep..with the bird.
--Current hate: yawning.
--Current favorite article of clothing: everything i'm wearing. my cunt bracelet, if that counts.
--last cd that you bought: i never buy cds, hah.
--Favorite place to be: disneyworld, my car, and anywhere with the bird.
--Strong in mind or strong in body: mind, of course.
--Do you believe in an afterlife?: often times, yes. who knows, i'm too fickle to settle completely.
--How tall are you? five two and three quarters.
--Current favourite word : special, like these pink taco bell stickers all over me from dinner.
--Favorite book(s): bitch by lizzy wurtzel.
--Favorite season: late spring/early summer
--Favorite day: saturday...day with the bird.

it's so odd to me why i always end up filling these out. hm.

Princess at 11:50 PM

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we were lectured SO MANY EFFING TIMES on friends, and what a real friend was. i had to keep thinking about who my friends were, who my best friends were, so on and so forth. it hurt to realize that really, i don't have as many real friends as i'd like to. but i guess i can't determine that. so many people are with me EVERYWHERE, and it gets really old, especially since i know that it's not really me that they like. they like something i can do for them, like be some weird goddess figure or be something pretty to look at or laugh at or whatever. SO FEW people really really know me, care about me the way i feel like everyone should care for eachother. that's so lonely.

i made out my lists over and over and over during the seminars. who are my real friends? cody. hay. cory. nikki. britt. i wanted to say xtian, but so often it seems that it's more what i can do for him. i wanted to say bobbi, but i really believe that true friends don't just give up on friendships, that they don't even think about it. i wish i could say them. i really do. i love them so hard. and jenn, of course, is only around when she can be, which is NEVER, but when she is we're so twinkieful. and then there's fruitball, who's a million miles away, and my sisters and katie *who might as well be my sisters*, who i never ever see. it hurts to know that i've gone through so many groups, so many situations where everyone promises to stay close forever and ends up ditching me for something cooler, or leaving when i have some kind of extended idiocy problem. like my riot sisters. like paige. like ally. like all the tantas. like so, so, so, so many people who have no problem getting up and walking away, never looking back or even wanting to. i guess that's what must set my best friends apart. they love me even though i'm so uncool, even though i have serious bitch lapses, even though i'm a nut, and love selflessly enough to not just leave when they're a little annoyed. it's great, really.

i wish i could be a good friend the way i want to be. i know that i completely suck sometimes. especially when i'm on my period or if someone offends me or something and i start arguing. except that bob called me immature and attention-craving, and i really don't think i'm either of those things. i think we all do immature things, but i think i'm pretty mature, and that it's not that i crave attention in the least, but that i always have it whether or not i want it, and when i don't, it's a bit odd because it's so unusual for me. i still don't think it's a good enough reason to leave. but yeah, i'm going to stop dwelling on that right about now. i just keeps popping up in my head. it's funny, but it was like it was all i could think about most the weekend.

that and my fear of giant wooden crosses. *shudder*. those things are just gross. but that didn't have anything to do with anything, so back on subject.

it's a little weird that cody and i are the way we are. everyone asked all weekend about our best friends and our boyfriends for lack of better small talk, and it was odd trying to explain the situation. he's my best friend plus. it was so weird when we became any more at all anyway, i mean during the end of the summer and beginning of school when he finally told me anything and i finally admitted it too... it was odd, like where do we go from here since i don't do relationships anymore? we live with it fine, it's everyone else that has the problem. and honestly, i don't feel the need to be understood, but it keeps getting me into situations. like bob said that she told me the way she felt when i found the stuff she wrote about how i was going to use him after my house of 1000 corpses movie night, and that should've stopped me, i guess. but what everyone fails to see is that cody and i were already together before then, it's just that since i won't say it or talk about it... no one realized. when i told him that, he laughed and just said, "yeah, it was too late." i wonder how long all of this will last. i hope for a long ass time. i know that between him and i, if we were to decide not to be um.. romantically inclined anymore that we'd stay so extremely close. i mean, i see what's going on between him and bob, but we've been through so much now, and besides, i've only had one guy ever that i didn't stay close friends with *if we started out close, that is*. and that guy and i are talking in a friendly fashion now, so it doesn't even really count. and cody is so worried about my fear of him leaving. all the time, he keeps repeating how if we ever were to drift like that, i would be the one to initiate it, and that i've have to push him away for it to happen. and i'm not like that. buttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt i'm rambling again because i've had next to no sleep and have been typing out my thought process. this is what happens when i don't get a chance to really write for a few days. i write something ridiculous on accident that rambles.

except i did find myself writing letters to friends out of boredom. rereading one to cody, i realized that i wrote like two paragraphs debating jesus' penis size. was he well hung because he was such a perfect creation? or was he not because he couldn't use it anyway? what does a man's penis look like if he hasn't even masturbated for his entire thrity years? and why, why god why, and i thinking about this? it's so perverted, yet so intruiging. who will ever know the answer?

of course, i don't believe that jesus didn't use it. why the hell else did he like those prostitutes so much? exactly.

jerry rented me peewee's playhouse today from family video. i am thorougly entertained. yay!

i think i'm heading off to bed. and if not, i'll go do some assignments, i guess. man, if i was more awake i'd edit this for content, because i have no freaking clue what i've been writing about, but i guess that's ok because i needed whatever it was out of my head. niiiiiiight night.
Princess at 10:41 PM

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i want that conversation, the recent one we've been having about just jumping in my car and taking off to somewhere far and foreign. in just a few hours, i could be on the other side of the country, in another country, even, and we could go together. "let's run away now." those words, i love hearing them, the way they just feel so risque. the way they feel so fantastical, so close within my grasp. not just some silly joke anymore, something that's actually attainable. "let's just run off together." and nothing ever sounded so good. but now, now it's different, we have access, we have a way. we can be dirt poor, we can live in a car, we can be happy, we could if we really wanted to. it sends chills up my spine. i could leave, i could take him with me, we could be far and foreign forever and ever..


Princess at 8:43 PM

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Friday, November 21, 2003
waiting for shawna to come pick me up for this damn retreat.

JENN, IF THERE IS ANY WAY YOU EVER SEE THIS, I LOVE YOU SO HARD AND WISH MORE THAN ANYTHING THAT I COULD SEE YOU AT YOUR PARTY. HAVE FUN, BABYGRRRRL, AND REMEMBER... YOUR TWINKIE IS THE ANSWER ;).
**and if anyone who you know, sees her or anything could give her that message...because i don't know who reads and who doesn't.... i'll give you a pizza.**

i need a shower before i go but...i don't want to. so i won't. i wonder what they're going to feed me at this place. is that a weird thing to wonder? i'm pretty sure i know what they're going to talk to us about and what we're going to do. i just wonder what the hell i'm going to end up doing in between lectures and stuff. thank god amanda will be there. i'd die if she wasn't going.

last night, laying in bed, it really hit me. she doesn't even think i'm worth it. it was pretty shocking, right then when it hit me. i'm not worth it to her. woah. that whole thingn was just so sudden. 'maybe this isn't even worth it.' um, ouch. they both have so much to say about eachother, it's like she forgets that yeah he and i talk about eachother but so do they, and at least she isn't so caught in the middle. i know how it hurts to be where she is.. i've been there.

there are more dying flies in the window, but they're now accompanied by baby flies. which is beyond disgusting. truly, i want to shoot through my window. where's haylee's dad when i need him? ha, she'll get a kick out of that. i sent her that poem i wrote her, the one about the shadows. she loved it, and i was glad that it made her feel better. i'm SO glad that she and cody share a locker now. that way neither of them are as sad or lonely or whatever. it's weird the way people depend on me. not bad, just weird. how could ONE person leaving affect so many people to the point where so many of them feel like suddenly they're all alone in a place? why can't they see that they have eachother? anyway, she's dealing with this a lot better than she seemed like she would before. and she knows i'm still here. i already miss her, though. i miss everyone. but i'll figure out ways to get around it. it's really not that bad. really.

mom's here. see you...sunday?
love.
Princess at 10:49 AM

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Thursday, November 20, 2003
DIS. OR. DER.

went to school to see everyone walking home, except we ended up just sitting in my car until about 4, talking and giggling and laughing at chris's weird acid-esque references to everything. cody's hair is way adorable. christian was being really cute today. and chris.....well, he's always chris, and how could anyone NOT love him? it was so much fun, i was so glad to be there.

i came home to find my mom all stressed over the way the new comp isn't working and just left to go see cody and xtian again, because i was all stressed out over DISORDER and knew that they were what i needed to distract myself. i ended up just kind of sitting in front of xtian's house for an extended period of time, thinking about things that didn't belong in my head, not really wanting to move. then the two of them walked out and walked up. i felt so horrible, it's great how your best friends can have you laughing out whatever is on your mind. we just kind of sat there forever, me in my car, cody half way in, xtian right outside the door. then cody had to leave, and xtian and i listened to the radio and played with my broken cd player for awhile before going to mcdonald's. i was so glad because i wanted to use that coupon but knew i couldn't eat it all myself. we had a blast though, and it was great because i'd been pretty much alone all week except for going to the mall on tuesday, which i guess i might not do for awhile now. disssssssorder.

apparently i'm a bullshitting attention whore. and once you get in my bubble, you can't get out. so... once again, i'm the trap of perpetual ass kissing, don't fucking touch me before you get infected.

cody laughed at the bubble theory, and the way it totally makes me lose it. if he wanted to, he could be out of the bubble. everyone close seems to know that. he does, i do, xtian does, hay does. not anyone who doesn't know what really goes on though... they've always got this whole OMG YOU'RE CHANGING EVERYONE AND YOU HAVE A BUBBLE THAT YOU SUCK PEOPLE INTO AND WON'T LET THEM GO AND YOU JUST CONTROL EVERYONE BLABHALBJABLHALBHABLHBLABHALHB. mostly, it seems to come from girls who have liked cody at one point or another, but never anyone else. why that is, i'm not sure. he laughed though, and said even though there ISN'T one, at least i could use it to get whatever i wanted. which sounded nice. but really, all i want is for everyone to leave me alone with my yayness. i want everyone to stop guilting me for homeschool, to stop drenching me in responsibility, to stop liking me and cody, and to stop trying to tear me up. and to not make stupid assumptions, or to push buttons that obviously are going to open up a huge flood gate and then say dumb things because it rained on their parade.

and by the way everyone, I HAVE A FULL-ON BITCH MODE, I TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME AND EVERYONE SEEMS TO SHRUG IT OFF BUT WHEN IT COMES UP EVERYONE ACTS ALL SHOCKED. STOP IT! I AM A TRUE, TRUE BITCH AT HEART! FOR REAL! I MEAN IT! I DON'T JUST WRITE IT EVERYWHERE AND WEAR THAT TITLE BECAUSE I THINK IT'S COOL. IT'S BECAUSE I MEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN IT! I'M MEAN, AND I'M A HUGE FREAKING BITCH, AND IF YOU ANNOY ME IN ANY WAY YOU JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. THAT'S ABOUT IT.

ugh plus i'm about to start my period, which is not my friend at all, and if i start while i'm at this retreat..i'm coming home. i act so weird, pms-wise. i should start taking my medicine now but.... i don't wanna. i hate that dumb medicine. maybe i'll just cut out my uterus. ...is that really possible? i'm so ready. i hate the way i act, i hate taking that medicine, i hate all that horrible pain i'm in and how debilitating it all is. and also, like every other girl, i just do'nt like bleeding out of my vagina. it's not fun.

ugh.

agh.

igh.

egh.

ogh.

hah, that was fun.

i need a shower.
Princess at 10:14 PM

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i got to see kris to the bus this morning, which was nice. i really do love spending time with just him, because he can be so sweet. he sat on my lap while we waited and we played and giggled and he kissed me goodbye. he even ate his breakfast for me and took his pills. it'll be great to be here to see him go to school now.

i have to try to set up the other computer this morning, because it got here yesterday. and i can't figure out the agenda and curriculum so i guess i'm going to have to call tech support, which i'm terrified of. what kind of weirdo has a phobia of talking to businesses on the phone? pf, me, of course. i'm even scared of the pizza hut people, hahaha. i'm so nuts.

well...off to watch buffy before i do anything constructive. love.
Princess at 9:12 AM

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...ouch.
kraft macaroni and completely not ideal coming back up.
ouch.
Princess at 12:08 AM

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bob writes about me a lot in her journal like i'm not going to read it. and she always apologizes after she does it like crazy, but i get this feeling that it's not an oopsi'msorry kinda thing. that she wants me to read it and freak out like i ALWAYS do when i read that stuff. which is not a very nice feeling, one that i keep begging myself not to believe, because i don't want to feel paranoid about her. her entry i readc today had this huge thing in it, on and on about the way she loved cody and stuff and then this...
*
he's with one of your best
friends now. it kills you. you're happy that each of them are
so very happy. but it fucking kills you that no matter where
you turn, no matter what you do...it haunts you. you can't
have a conversation with either of them without their
relationship coming up. it fucking kills you. inside and out.
the emotions that it stirs inside you are so scary. the things
those emotions cause you to do to your body. when will
this fucking stop? why will these feelings not fade? why will
they not just go away? why can't you get away from their
relationship? why don't they ever just SHUT UP about it?
do they not see how bad it hurts you? do they not remember
how badly it hurt you when you found out he was leading you
both on? do they not remember that you were fucking dropped
like a bad fucking habit? do they not see that it kills you
knowing that even after you and his girlfriend were both led
on by him, after you both knew it, after you wanted to confront
him about it, she got WITH him? you feel so fucking betrayed.
you feel like she only wanted to get you even madder at him
so that it may not hurt as badly when you found out they
ended up together? what the fuck are friends for these days?
*
but there was no bad habit dropping, it wasn't like that at all. and i didn't expect it to be that way, didn't want it to be that way, treated him like total shit over her anyway and was so furious at him that she thought all that stuff. i thought it would be our last day together, i didn't want to elave so bad, i broke down, crying and writing and speaking in poetry like i do when i don't know what else to do, and he was so upset because he couldn't figure out what was going on or why he got the feeling i was leaving, and i let him read it, i left the room...i had to throw up, i was so upset, shaking and ugh. i cam eback and his eyes were so big...... he just kept saying how she had it all backwards, and i aws like no you're lying.... over and over it went, over and oveer.... he hates having to convince me. i still didn't believe him, thoughj. he said he would talk to her abou tit, so i guess i felt better. but i just.... was so confused. how oculd anyone love ME over HER? it didn't make ssense. but maybe...maybe it was because he knows i can't leave. i can't leave people, i can't do it. but seh can, she proved that to him when she did it. i think he still loves her more. i guess i always have. i try not to talk abotu him aorund her, i really do, but people always need to ask about mah grrrrrrlfriend or something, and when i talk about him it's like i do about any of my other friends. it'snot much different from when he and i WERE just friends. i can't shut up about it.... nobody's ever made me feel so understood and jjust loved, i mean i can't explain it the way he notices things about me i don't and the way i can only really open up to him. i don't have anything else going for me anymore. anything. i sat down and cried while my stomach was shrinking this morning because i oculdn't eat, and thought about the new goals i needed to set for myself so that i'll not have a breakdown.... like i always say oh, well, yeah i'm suicidal but i have to live until blablbalh, and then i do it again. but....i don't have anything that makes me want to live in the future. ntohing. except him. and that's so gross, i'm so disgusted by how pathetic i am like taht, i'm so disgusted at the entire thing anyway bewcause i really didn't want this, it just happened....i hate guys, i hate them so hard anymore, and this was spossed to be my single year. i guess in a way it is, because i still can't commit myself to him because i'm so damn terrified of it, i know i'll break his heart and my heart if i do it and i know better becasue i don't know.....i'll do anything to not hurt him. and i never even would have thought aobut telling him the way i've felt for him all this time if i knew she still wanted him at all, because i'm not that way, but i mean he was so crushed when she left him, he came right to me just totally a wreck and i...... thought she was over him. not that i'm sure that is even possible. i don't know. i don't know why i let this upset me so hard. but it does. always. everysingle fucking time. i'm so fucking sensitive, what the hell is wrong with me? aosidnvaodijfasdhfafuhvdfvjhdfhasdoijf. it's annoying. i should just be mad at her, i should just be mad. i wish i could be. why CAN'T i? i mean, that whole.....what are friends for thing........... it's horrible. horrible. i think i'm going to throw up dammit.
i made macaroni, i really wanted to eat it.
it's going to hurt in the morning..
it hurts so bad anymore.
too sensitive.
Princess at 12:00 AM

*****************

Wednesday, November 19, 2003
i almost accidentally murdered delilah today by leaving her lights on for an hour. ooops. she's ok though, thank god. *sigh of relief*.

i feel very uncute right about now.

i wrote xtian today about his neediness and it's how it's unneccessary, so i feel a little guilty. but not much.

my psych told me that he went to this big seminar on cutters to look for help for me, and i felt special even though that sounds kind of sick. we talked about it more in depth, because i think he really hadn't understood so much about it before. we discussed motives, which was nice because usually no one else could hold an actual intellectual conversation with me on such a topic. yay for psychologists. anyway, he asked about my anger and lack thereof, because anger was such a repetitive word at the seminar, i guess. like everyone else, he just doesn't understand why i'm not angry all the time. he asked to read some of my work on it, so i guess i'll be gathering that up. i'm glad that i don't feel forced to go there anymore, that it's not as much me being analyzed as me discussing issues. he finds me mature enough to do that, i guess. he was really happy for me about my homeschool decision, and said he can't wait for me to get involved in theater because he really wants to see that. it's good to know someone cares beyond what they have to.

i told him about the way i DESPISE people who cut for attention, the way i feel about people who take advantage of people with their fake depression. the way i HATE manipulation through that and how i'm terrified of being accused of it. the way i am so taken advantage of by so many kids who try to act depressed for my attention. it really just makes me secretly loathe them when i don't want to, when i know i'd like them a lot more if they'd just shut up and BE REAL. but i guess i can't just look at another person and say....quit acting depressed.....because i've had people to it to me. and i'm too empathetic, too sensitive. we talked too about how i'm SO SENSITIVE but no one would ever really know because i'm so effing good at this whole happyperkybouncystrongconfident facade. it's kind of weird when someone has things like that about me figured out, but i like it. i wish i could let more people get to really know me. it's so comforting when cody figures out my oddities and mentions them, like about my bigpantshairdowndirtyshirt thing when i'm sad or my extreme vulnerability under all that strength for everyone else. when someone finally sees that no, i'm not taken care of...that i'm too fucking busy doing it for everyone else. and it's nice that he watches out for me in ways that i never would because i am too busy. wow this is rambling.

i hate commercial radio. agh. it keeps getting terrible songs in my head that i don't want there. I NEED A SOMETHING PLAYER FOR MY CAR! agh. i would really be fine with a freaking jank tape player, just annnnnnnnything is better tahn that freaking radio that i do despise so.

my mom is in the laundry room talking to herself about her pet elephant, jimjohnnybob. i'm.. alittle worried.
Princess at 10:26 PM

*****************

oh yeah, just so everyone knows, i got mad at the stickiness of the koolaid in my hair and washed it out before it set in. because it takes a few hours and i was mad. stupid me.

i just installed the happy german program in my comp. yay for me and mah language skills. i taught myself the ABC song. see, they only had the lady pronounce it and i was like SCREW THAT I NEED A SONG so yeah, the song rocks. and there was a word bank so i went through and said them all 10 times after the little lady to start memorizing that, too. and then i went downstairs and introduced myself to my mom. i sang her the song, too, and she was like i thought w was "double vay" and i was like no...that's spanish. and she was like oh yeah. and then she taught me to say THE TV IS BROKEN and stuff. hah, i'm so stupid. the best part about all this was that it took maybe 20 minutes tops, unlike stupid school where i would have had to spend a million effing hours at something like 7 in the morning. muahaha this is so great.

i really can't wait until tomorrow to start class, it'll be such a breeze. happiness in a flat-screen computer box!
Princess at 12:49 PM

*****************

blue
he called my eyes;
"they're beautiful when you're crying."
oh dear,
if you were only to see
what they do when you
aren't near.
graceful
she called my tears;
"you just don't stop them from coming."
if a point were to be taken from that
it is
ballet must make you
a better crier.
Princess at 9:08 AM

*****************

hah i just looked at some forward in my email box guy that my sister sent me, and it had all these numbers to calculate and then it goes QUICK THINK OF A COLOR AND A TOOL! and i'm like... hot pink wrench, of course. and it's like..... 98% of people think red hammer.....and so i feel like a psycho, but it's ok because apparently my sister is, too. but....where the hell does anyone get RED HAMMER? that's what i wanna know! hammer..pff... psychos...
Princess at 8:43 AM

*****************

woke up at 7 on the couch in the backroom watching fairly odd parents. everyone was up, which was weird. brandon had a psych appointment to go to, kris had school. i got up, went upstairs to go back to bed, but couldn't sleep. after awhile i decided that i watned to dye my hair. but..i didn't have any dye. stupid me decided to koolaid it. sooo while mom's gone with brandon and jerry's downstairs oblivious, there are little pink streaks of sugar soaking into my hair right now. this is probably very stupid of me. my mom is going to be very angry when she gets home. but for some reason, i don't really care. probably because i'm not really awake yet. i can already feel her bitching me out. "what the hell made youthink that was a good idea?" "i'm not sure, really." "well, that was fucking stupid!" "i know." hm. my fingers are pink, and i smell lovely. i'd forgotten how nice this procedure was. well.... except for when i have to wash it out. ewwww.

i'm really hungry. oh! i kept all of last night's food down! yayyyyyyy for me! i was far beyond proud. *dances around.*

um.. my fingernail polish is coming off and i'm extremely hot. i'm not very happy with either of those.
Princess at 8:33 AM

*****************

Tuesday, November 18, 2003
....i don't know waht the fuck that poem was about. ha.

Princess at 11:01 PM

*****************

hair thick and lengthy
waving
hello to the humidity
brown and blonde
send my message
stable normality with streaks of val
so annoying
so ditzy i am
obviously untouched by
that tarnishing hard water
you all bathe in
every day
hair waving
sending morse-esque signals
.i am virginal.
.i am unexperienced.
.i am thoughtless.
.i am happy.
pounce on my bounce
annoyingly upbeat
i wish i was
the way you call
my actions
that never make sense
actress never crosses your mind
act blonde, act tarnished,
act as if i know or don't.
hair waving
thick like your head
but mixed like
my emotions and signals
believe my hair
and not
my truth.


Princess at 11:01 PM

*****************

i really need to stop believing people. really. i find myself so heartbroken when i sit around waiting for someone who says they'll be over, really, or who promises they're calling, don't go anywhere. blowwwwwn off. it really only hurts when i was depending on those calls, those visits. i hate being stood up.

i guess.. the smart thing to do would to go back to my never-trust-anyone ways. so maybe i will.

i asked my mom today how one gets over her bulemia when she doesn't make herself do it anymore but it does it for her and she can't stop.... she told me it's not possible. i'm unbelievably upset. my body is such a mess. and i'm going to be stuck this way forever. it's so unencouraging.

i ate a cheesestick and some tater tots about 15 minutes ago, though, and haven't thrown up yet. today's goal is to keep those bastards down. yay for that much, at least.

tomorrow i have to go see le psych, but i really don't want to. i don't want to talk about my last 3 weeks. frankly, they sucked hardcore. and besides, what if he admits me? then i'll REALLY never be able to see cody, and that would killll me. blah.

i guess i'll...lay down and pretend like someone really is going to call me. dammit.
Princess at 6:12 PM

*****************

Monday, November 17, 2003
x0 dbkalways 0x: mister chris judy said to tell you that you need to come to the mall more often because he enjoys seeing you.
ggglittersoresss: *blushes*
x0 dbkalways 0x: :P
ggglittersoresss: that is one of those instant feel-special deals man
Princess at 9:36 PM

*****************

ggglittersoresss: i'm sitting around emo-style, wanting a BOY and that is....so high school
ggglittersoresss: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
ggglittersoresss: i'm grossed out at myself!
Fxxked inThe Hed: lol
Fxxked inThe Hed: you crack me up
ggglittersoresss: ugh
Fxxked inThe Hed: "all emo-style"
ggglittersoresss: it is!
ggglittersoresss: effing emo losers
Princess at 9:36 PM

*****************

i already want to cry, cry in memory of me and what i could be with you in those few passing seconds. take me, make me yours, don't let them stand between us. dont' let them take me away. don't let me take me away.
aggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

sicksickscickckcisiciscksic i want him to come and kiss my tummy because it's a hurter.. i'm a huge fucking crybaby and i'm kind of hoping no one will read this but am posting it so that i can look back on it later after he leaves like they all do and use it as a reminder to say to myself... you fucking idiot, don't ever let that happen again.
lalala i'm pathetic.

it was said, though, and i'm wondering if it's true.
i'm over it, really, because of you.
you..made me over it.
he said it.
and i... i think i believe it.

and so i'm here, alone with my thoughts and idiotic long for maybe tomorrow when i steal you away.. how could i be the one?

none of this makes sense in words,
for the first time,
i can't write.
wow.
Princess at 9:31 PM

*****************

i am inches
away from the computer screen and
wondering what it feels like to crash my
head through.
i am inches
away from the edge today and
wondering what it feels like to let my
self go.
i am inches
away from my hairclip and
wondering why i took it out of
my hair.
i am much too far
away from you and
wondering why you can't be here
with me.
i am inches
away from the telephone and
debating on whether or not to call
you.
i am inches
away from admitting that i want to be
with you,
inches
away from being yours.
i am inches
tall when i'm next to you,
inches tall with
guilt
and gravity.
i am inches
and all those inches
add up to
much too far
away.
Princess at 5:47 PM

*****************

my stomach is BURNING.
how do you get over bulemia after you stop making yourself do it?
agggggggggggh.
Princess at 1:44 PM

*****************

you're there,
you're there in my head
your shadow that
follows after mine
in the bright sunlight
i thirst,
thirst for your shadow
to be
more than a shadow
of what it really is
a mere outline
i have
imprinted in my memory
not enough
for casting these shadows
you are not opaque
in my mind
in the bright sunlight
your absence
my fault
can i take it back and give to you
my transparent heart,
transparent existence,
transparent absence
casting shadows on
all that i had to be for you.

Princess at 1:44 PM

*****************

Sunday, November 16, 2003
i'm stressed about tomorrow. agh. it's making me sick, kinda like SCHOOL always did. hah, the irony.

what will life be like without a constant cult of my own? what will life be like now that i'm not responsible for zillions of high school kids? what will i do to not be so lonely?

i'm resisting the serious temptation to make myself feel better. aghhhhhhhh.

i just keep thinking.... he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me. i just keep thinking about what he wants for me. i just keep thinking about the way it would hurt him if i did anything stupid. he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.

maybe if i repeat it enough, i'll believe it.
maybe if i repeat it enough, it'll become true in my mind.

he loves me.
Princess at 9:29 PM

*****************

i like it when he bruises me. it's something that i've never really enjoyed before. i scold him lightly for it, but really.. i adore having them as much as he adores them on me. little bite marks and littler hickeys, just kind of marking the space of his tread. any part of him on me.. it's physical evidence that all of it is real. that i'm not imagining this amazing being of whom i adore so. that it isn't all in my head the way he isn't repulsed by me. it's there, that memory, the story behind those little brandings like a constant reminder that... no really, i'm loved. physical evidence of his love for me. mmm.
Princess at 12:26 AM

*****************

Thursday, November 13, 2003
i bought my new computer today, and my mom wrote a letter to perry. and so i guess.. tomorrow's my last day.

i'm glad that i finally have this blessing, but at the same time.. my heart aches a little with the loss of certain small things. like blue lunch. like a cody kiss at 7 in the morning. like note passing. and being able to sit around with everyone and know what they're talking about. like how much school sucks. that i'll never be on the focus or ftv, and i won't even have the chance to be winter princess this dance. i almost made it homecoming. that i won't be there for jenn's return. that.. i won't have excuses to sneak peeks at past loves and old friends. i'll miss the way my day could be terrible, but a random pass by of nikki and her address to me ("love"), or a little kid smile from any of my friends, a cute mindless comment from xtian, a DISORDER from hay, one of chris's random comments on ninjas or whatev, the way bob mentions groupies... that any of that, and more, could make up for wahtever was about to happen to me. of course, there are all the things i won't miss, but i want to mourn the loss of what i am missing. i guess i don't know how.

i'm terrified of what the world will be between me and cody. since his mom grounded him from the phone until christmas, that is. and i won't be seeing him daily at school. his presence means everything and more to me. besides being my... significant other, he's my best fucking friend, and i am a mess without him. losing his little glances is almost enough to make me go back on it all. but i know that i can't. i know.

christian realllllly seems upset about the whole thing. i feel sorry for him. and haylee. but they'll have eachother.

and i told hay that whenever she can't handle school anymore and needs me, she can just call and i'll come get her. i'll pretend to be her mom picking her up sick or something. ha. that would rock out.

wellllll i'm off to somewhere. i'm thinking about going to the mall to find bob. for real today, haha. love, bye.
Princess at 2:09 PM

*****************

Wednesday, November 12, 2003
on freddy kreuger...

ggglittersoresss: lalalala i kill that guy
ggglittersoresss: ima make a song for this
ggglittersoresss: lalalalala i stab in his weirdo lack of a real one face
x0 dbkalways 0x: giggle giggle.
ggglittersoresss: with his own......FINGERS
ggglittersoresss: THAT AREN'T FINGERS, NO THEY'RE NOT
ggglittersoresss: BECAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY CLAWEY GUYS
ggglittersoresss: THAT SUCK
ggglittersoresss: AND ARE NOT AS SUPERNATURAL AS THEY TRY TO REPRESENT THEM
ggglittersoresss: and so *lalala*
ggglittersoresss: i'll break them off backwards
ggglittersoresss: and his little claws will be....
ggglittersoresss: LITTLE NUBS!
ggglittersoresss: *bows*
ggglittersoresss: thank you.
x0 dbkalways 0x: that was so cute =]
ggglittersoresss: i totally just sang it out loud, too
x0 dbkalways 0x: nooo, thank YOU.
ggglittersoresss: you gotta hear this
x0 dbkalways 0x: awwww lol
ggglittersoresss: *giggles* welcome
x0 dbkalways 0x: hm. just a second. telephone search time!
ggglittersoresss: okies!
x0 dbkalways 0x: dead. dead. stupid DEAD PHONES.
ggglittersoresss: .....he killed them.
x0 dbkalways 0x: :-X
ggglittersoresss: THE SONG NEEDS MORE VERSES
ggglittersoresss: lalalalla i'll cut him up like he cuts up phone lines
ggglittersoresss: lalalalalla
ggglittersoresss: poke out his wiry limbs like they were wiry phone lines
ggglittersoresss: lalaallalala
ggglittersoresss: you can't poke out limbs
ggglittersoresss: lalalalla but i guess i can because i just said so
ggglittersoresss: lalalalala and man do you think under that hat he has any hair?
ggglittersoresss: lalalla probably not
ggglittersoresss: BECAUSE IT'S PROBALY A TOUPEE
ggglittersoresss: THAT IS UGLY
ggglittersoresss: LIKE HIS FACE
ggglittersoresss: AND HIS BREATH PROBABLY SMELLS REAL BAD
ggglittersoresss: AND HE ALSO HAS FUNGUSY FEET I BET
ggglittersoresss: lalalala
ggglittersoresss: i am going to redo his wardrobe
ggglittersoresss: lalalalala he'll only wear black from now on
ggglittersoresss: alalallalalala
ggglittersoresss: AND I MEAN FUNERAL BLACK BECAUSE HE'LL BE DEAD FOR REAL THIS TIME
ggglittersoresss: lalalala
x0 dbkalways 0x: teheheha.
ggglittersoresss: if you kicked in his face i bet it would do that thing where you kick in a kickball.
ggglittersoresss: *bows*
ggglittersoresss: thank you, thank you.
Princess at 11:32 PM

*****************

today i was given a cell phone. i can't stop playing with it. it feels like xmas morning with a new toy. yay!

she whispers at him
through her tears
and
gravity-free red locks.
"go away."
faced with the
oncoming introductions
of evil,
she must look like
nice bait.
little mermaid,
maid of mer,
made me do it,
made me do it.
*
they pop up everywhere,
small and angular
in their
assorted means of
linear structure.
so nice to find
new traces of mind,
so nice to know
i still think.
*

i just want to reiterate this...
when he kisses me, my day is just made. for those couple of seconds, everything freezes and all i can see and hear and feel is him bending down and me on my toes to meet and have this amazing, time-freezing moment. and then that adorable, shy smile on his face, the one where he always looks to the left and bites his lip in that slight mockery of me. i almost always blush. the kisses goodbye, though most painful, are my favorite. the way they never really end until he walks off and i walk off, giggling with pink cheeks. it's only one.. and then two.. and then ten.. and then twenty.. and it's so hard to leave. just..one..more..or..eight.... even if i pull away, he always looks at me like it just wasn't enough, which makes me want to pounce on him even more. and i do. and always the giggling, the way his giant structure has to kneel down to meet me on my toes, the way that crazy wild hair of his just kind of blocks my peripheral view and all i can see is that hilarious little-kid grin.
i know it's gross and sappy, but dude...
for some reason, i like it.
eww!

just got off the phone with kristen. i adore her to tiny little pieces. she was feeling not-so-happy, so i cheered her up. it's great that i can do things like that. it makes me feel like i'm worth... something.

so.. mom's deciding when to pull me out of school. either this week or after we get the new comp. which will be i have no idea when. sort of a broad spectrum of time. *shrugs*. i want to get out ASAP, but at the same time... i need one last blue lunch. maybe i can come in to visit? that would be nice. i doubt anal perry would let me though. *kicks dirt*.

i don't know why i've been writing so nonstop lately. not at all that i am complaining, but i am quite... awed by it. all the time, my thoughts are so poetic. my notes end up looking like poems. everything begins to take my weird melancholy presence on. everything from the pen, anyway. i guess that's why i'm having a particularly hard time in math... difficult to be poetic with those stupid fucking numbers. rawr.

all my schooling now will be through the computer. which makes me wonder about this whole life on a hard drive thing even more. buttttt it isn't so bad, i spose. on days that it rains.. NO SCHOOL! *giggles*. and then i'm off to borders for.. um.. literary learning. muahaha.

i love bobbi. she's so adorable. we're talking about how freddy kreuger attacks. he got her too, dude! damn freddy. i kill his unkillable ass. rawr!
Princess at 10:57 PM

*****************

Tuesday, November 11, 2003
i hate
finding out about myself
the things
she must've known all along.
she hides me from
me
like precious treasures
among the thieves,
steal my own knowledge.
my own throne.
*

the music wafts in
like faint smells of christmas,
a reminiscent tune
i cannot recall the name of.
piano keys softly
calling to
my dizzy head,
whirring thoughts
along with the bouncing
time signatures.
in my thoughts,
that tune was written solely for me.
Princess at 5:31 PM

*****************

all the time, checking that
bee log
for the slightest change/
movement.
she stands here,
she stands there,
she sits down,
she takes a stand.
i blanket myself in her awe,
wrap myself up in
her
transparent fears,
preserved sandwich
in cellofane..
eat me, eat me, eat me.
she sits down.
Princess at 5:24 PM

*****************

today's poetry, written in letter form to nikki *something i love doing* looked like this..:

Barbie sits
too near me,
her translucent shirt
settling checked patterns
onto her
fake-bake skin.
Boredom at
Shakespeare,
boredom unless it is
her of
Swan Lake.
My feathered friend,
I beg you
give her ballet feet.
Give her boredom
with
perfection.

*

Words- puny and soft felt cut-outs suited to the play of children, who don't know the meaning of too many promises. But the kindergarten cuties have one thing you cannot give me- honesty in those words- magnetic black and white square cut-outs you can arrange on my chest, sticking to me with the amazing theory on how opposites attract. My childlike honesty to your all-too-adult opposite...
be the yin to my yang,
the sin to my
"purity."
I stick my words to your velcro skin...
I
love
you.
*

and i found this in a letter addressed to haylee but never given...:

morning, lay me down.
exhonerate me,
euthanize my poor
exhausted body.
lay me down.
day's dreams
drift over me
and
that sparkling
cloud that is
numbness
absorbs my
tense
existence.
lay me down.
*

la la la. i came to school at lunch today, too sick to show up before then. i had gatorade and hot chocolate. fine combonation. and also, i want to let everyone know how disgusting powerade is. i can't even imagine drinking it. ewwwww.

it's 4:54 and dark. the sun didn't even have a chance to set.

anyway, i woke this morning to find my mom on the phone about this homeschool business. it's all so lovely to see her this involved. if it were up to me, i'd just take the courses from IU and call it a day, but she is so fretsome, and must pick the best. i told her that i didn't want anymore bibleschool. she's rather annoyed, i think. this morning, i heard her on that phone saying something about adam and eve though, and all i could think was.... if she really knew my take on that, she'd die. *coughevewasframedcough*.

i wore my ballet shoes today, and the wet ground soaked them thoroughly. twas sad. poor dead moo moos.

i am so dizzy. i want to see a movie. perhaps i'll just go by myself. nikki said something about it in her letter this morning, and it sounds so appealing right now. after all, i can just jump in my car and go anywhere. and that's a gorgeous feeling. i'm a little worried about the fact that i won't be walking everywhere anymore and the toll that will take on my body *considering i barely do much else*. but i can risk getting fat for freedom. i don't mind. maybe that's a lie. maybe.

i despise being sick. it is not my friend. so is the fact that i have to wear long sleeves AND pants now. I. HATE. PANTS. *growls*.

the fly on the wall is dying. i hate it SO much, i think i won't even give it a funeral. or even a eulogy. muahaha.
Princess at 4:51 PM

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Monday, November 10, 2003
i think i should try that survey again, while i have nothing better to do. perhaps it will look a bit different now that i'm in the right state of mind.

A - Age: sixteen
B - Best Quality: my counseling abilities.
C - Choice Of Meat: i don't believe in meat.
D - Dream Date: person wise- trent reznor. setting wise- anywhere with trent reznor. ha.
E - Ex: john. no wait, eric. kinda.
F - Favorite Food: i have so many, it's difficult to say. right now, i'm thinkin hot chocolate. with chocolate and vanilla reddi whip. mm.
G - Greatest Accomplishment: getting my license. passing that damn written part with 100!
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: ha i'm too bipolar to pick one.
I - Internal conflicts: to tell or not to tell.
J - Job title: biatch. goddess. counselor.
K - Kool-Aid: i hate koolaid. except for when brendan talkes about it.
L - Love: big bird is mah grrrlifriend, and boobitta is mah boyfwiend. *giggles*
M - Most Valued Thing I Own: muahah all my lackees!
N - Name: princess bettie lanee tyler
O - Outfit You Love: my happy mysizebarbie skirt is so cool. and so is my fake leather corset. with fishnet somewhere and some kind of happy platforms. and GLITTER!
P - Pizza Toppings: mushrooms and onions. mm.
Q - Question you want to ask: umm rocket dogs?
R - Red is what: um the color of my peanut butter jelly disk.
S - Sport To Watch: ewwwww yucky sports are not my friends!
T - Television Show: billy and mandy! zim! yay for cartoons!
U - Unique habit: i'm good at arguing.
V - Very bad habit: ...i'm good at arguing.
W - Winter: is not my friend. and is very cold. and is also very white?
X - X-rays you've had: on my leggies and my thumb.
Y - Year Born: ninetines eighty sevens
Z - Zodiac Sign: libra. <3.

Lasts
Last big car ride: yesterday, driving home from youthgroup, screaming at the top of my lungs to the radio.
Last kiss: cody.
Last good cry: this morning.
Last library book checked out: i checked out fast girls and a sylvia plath collection the other day.
Last movie seen: finding nemo.
Last beverage drank: clear gatorade. that stuff is so cool, dude.
Last food consumed: club crackers. yum-me.
Last phone call: jerry.
Last tv show watched: umm family guy?
Last time showered: last night.
Last shoes worn: my ten dollar volatiles.
Last cd played: L7 and kittens for christian.
Last item bought: at CVS last night, deoderant, gum, candy canes, and gauze. ha, what an interesting inventory.
Last disappointment: ...jerry hit me.
Last soda drank: i have no idea. i think at lunch on friday i had a sip of coke. i think.
Last ice cream eaten: woah i have no clue whatsoever. oh yeah, pumpkin custard from ritter's the last time i was out with mary. that was two weeks ago?
Last time wanting to die: this morning very early.
Last time scolded: yesterday morning.
Last shirt worn: um my nirvana shirt that i took from cody. mm it smells like pot.
Last website visited: bob's journal, where i always seem to go as soon as i turn on my computer. sucks because it's a reminder of my OCD, happy because... i love reading bob. *kisses to her*
Princess at 4:17 PM

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scrub the semen stains off the lining of
my teacup
spinning round in the
middle
circling an oversized plate,
alice style.
in fact,
go ask her
about spontaneous
wondrous tracers-
to the point of no return.
you come,
and we spend the hours
carelessly
as if we had so many
to drop.
smiling and fancy free,
rich like moviestars
in time instead of dollars,
tipping the busboys
in
seconds for change.
and all those
hours,
spontaneous and undecided
to the point of no return
where we can't decipher
what we've done.
it doesn't matter...
all i know
is that i like the way i feel
when
you leave.
my memory is
of us giggling,
you smiling through so much
eyeliner
and laughing
painfully,
to the point of no return.
and there,
kung-fu
operating
the action-packed plastic
ben stiller monkey,
the tracers must
make
his arms so interesting.
all so...
random-tandom.
my love
for you all
spins round the room,
alice-style,
and you know...
it's to that point of no return.

**written saturday night, after 'movieless movie night' ended.**
Princess at 4:03 PM

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i just typed out this long ass poem that i wrote on saturday and this fucking thing didn't save it. i'm ready to kill.

i left school early today, sick, after the veteran's day program. cold sweat is not my friend. in fact, it is unhappinesss in a box. an icky smelly shoebox, at that.

cody does not fathom the amount of alternating pain and exhiliration he causes me. it's so damn difficult to not let it get to me. he's so much more laid back than i am. *bites lip*.

i stayed up the entire night last night. i couldn't even imagine sleeping. couldn't dream of it, haha. i was so terrified, though. of myself. of the way my leg was still bleeding at 2 in the morning. i ended up downstairs in the backroom, crying on the couch, calling a suicide hotline as a last result. the lady i talked to was called kristin. she said she'd worked with cutters before. she said the way i described my leg, i needed medical attention. i promised her that i'd wake up jerry and have him look at it, and then we hung up. i lied.

i asked mrs. eubanks this morning what i should do about it. she said it needed stitches but that it was probably too late, something i had already guessed myself. she said i should get a butterfly clip on it anyway. i promised her i'd show my mom. once again, i was probably lying.

i promised myself that i would show my mom. that i would gather every last bit of courage and confront her. but i can't. i'm so horrified at the idea. her face, when she sees my wounds, it breaks my heart. i can't do that to her. i guess.... i guess i'll just have to live with it. i can't hurt her like that. i can't stand to see her in that much pain over my stupid fucking mistakes. i can deal with my leg scarring, getting infected, hurting like hell.. but i can't deal with hurting her.

i guess if it was just my arm it wouldn't be a big deal. same old, same old. nothing new, you know? my arms have needed stitches countless times. they're easy to take care of. but not my leg. it's different skin. it's less elastic, and it pulls and opens more. and i can't hide it, either. i can't hide it in gym. i'm so scared of going to gym, so scared of watching ms. brook's face when she sees what i've done to myself, so scared of my mom being so infuriated that the school called her again with reports of self mutilation that she'll call off my homeschooling opportunity. like last year. ugh.

why can't i just deal with things like a normal kid? stepdad gets in your face, smacks you around, tells you that you're stupid self-centered shit, and you go off with some rant about how much you fucking hate him and sneer at him for a few days. but not me. oh no. i go on a 12 hour rant about how much i fucking hate myself and that it's all my fault, lose control, and end up needing stitches from MYSELF. sneer at myself everytime i see it for the rest of my life. it's so gross.

i saw it out of the corner of my eye in my mirror this morning, and what crossed my mind was the freddy kreuger movies. i look like i barely escaped freddy kreuger. what the fuck.

i need to cut my bangs. i think i'll try typing out that poem again here in a minute. love.
Princess at 3:57 PM

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Sunday, November 09, 2003
over the top assumptions-
let me
make the move
and send to you
size seven insults.
our house
playing
spinning
whirling
do you obey?
do you obey?
idolize the obnoxious,
let me control
your moldable
corporate-oriented
adolescence.
apology plug pulled,
spitting venom
would have been more
polite than
the twinkie theory.
do you obey?
Princess at 10:20 PM

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i'm hoping this will take my mind off what is going on. soxcna.

A - Age: sixteen
B - Best Quality: i cna't think of any right now.
C - Choice Of Meat: i don't believe in meat.
D - Dream Date: i don't want any right now. um.. this survey is looking like my answers are going to suck. sowwy evewyone. don't wead anymowe.
E - Ex: john. no wait, eric. kinda.
F - Favorite Food: ew.
G - Greatest Accomplishment: doing this right now.
H - Happiest Day of Your Life: i can't remember right now.
I - Internal conflicts: ...i just ruined my pretty legs.. oh my god.. they're ruined...
J - Job title: bitch.
K - Kool-Aid: i hate koolaid. except for when brendan talkes about it.
L - Love: i don't want to talk about it right now.
M - Most Valued Thing I Own: razor dog.
N - Name: princess bettie lanee tyler
O - Outfit You Love: this NIN shirt i'm wearing right now is pretty comfty with these green cords and pink old navy hoodie.
P - Pizza Toppings: mushrooms and onions. mm.
Q - Question you want to ask: too many right now.
R - Red is what: alll over my arms, legs, chest, and pillow.
S - Sport To Watch: ice skating? i hate sports.
T - Television Show: i want some invader zim right now.
U - Unique habit: i'm good at arguing.
V - Very bad habit: ...i'm good at arguing.
W - Winter: is not my friend.
X - X-rays you've had: on my leggies and my thumb.
Y - Year Born: ninetines eighty sevens
Z - Zodiac Sign: libra. <3.

Firsts
First best friend: allykat bennett.
First real memory of something: i remember a lot. my dad brushing his hair with the green brush, my mom in the hospital, my dad beating my mom the time he broke all her ribs, the time i stabbed him with a fork, playing 'here we go cheeerio' with my mom, the lullabys she used to sing me, and meeting my friend damon down the street.
First car: my baby, delilah, a 2001 ford focus hatchback..
First date: cory and i at pizza hut, 7th grade.
First real job: babysitting.
First screen name: um tythecutiepie. i think.
First self purchased album: wow i really don't know. um.. chumbawumba?
First pets: fish. tons of them. ariel and eric and bert and ernie and oscar i'll never forget.
First piercing/tattoo: ears when i was i think six months.
First true love: cory.
First enemy: lindsey latimer in second grade. she told me she hoped i died. ha.
First big trip: oh wow i used to go to florida a lot when i was really young. and my mom's parents lived in new orleans, so we went there too. the first trip where i was totally independent though was the time my dad made us go to colorado for two weeks camping and his car broke and all kinds of horrible things happened. we had to bathe in the colorado river, and i'll never forget whne the current swept away my brother.... it seems kinda funny now.
First play/musical/performance: i don't know, lots of stuff in church. i used to solo EVERYTHING and just perform all the time for service and stuff.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: ace of base. hell yeah, dude.

Lasts
Last big car ride: yesterday, taking my car out alone for the first time.
Last kiss: cory.
Last good cry: right now.
Last library book checked out: i checked out fast girls and a sylvia plath collection last night.
Last movie seen: finding nemo.
Last beverage drank: alternating hot chocolate and orange juice. weird combonation.
Last food consumed: oreo.
Last phone call: cory.
Last tv show watched: fairly oddparents.
Last time showered: friday night.
Last shoes worn: my ten dollar volatiles.
Last cd played: jack off jill and kittens for christian.
Last item bought: i paid off my library fines yesterday. 17 bucks, dude, so jank.
Last disappointment: ...jerry hit me.
Last soda drank: i have no idea. i think at lunch on friday i had a sip of coke. i think.
Last ice cream eaten: woah i have no clue whatsoever. oh yeah, pumpkin custard from ritter's the last time i was out with mary. that was two weeks ago?
Last time wanting to die: today. right now. ugh.
Last time scolded: this morning.
Last shirt worn: my nine inch nails shirt that i took from cody. i've had it on since yesterday morning. before that, i stripped in my sleep, so no shirt.
Last website visited: bob's journal, from where i stole this.

i love you bob.
i love you all.

Princess at 1:54 PM

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