i wish i could count my scars. but they're too overlayering, it's like just a huge patch of scarredness. ugh, that's so annoying.
waiting on mom to wake up so i don't have to babysit kris anymore. i am goign to take some books to hay, who's grounded and is only allowed to read. i'm getting impatient, which sucks of me.
i woke up at 7 again today. that's highly annoying. i think i layed down around 9, though. i woke up really fucking sick. REALLY. it's this damn flu. agh.
wow, new year's day is like, thursday. wow. i wonder what i'll end up doing. bob and sawah are having a party, but i don't know if they're having it that night or the one before. i want to be with haylee, i want to be with cody. i want to be at a big party, totally fucked up, hah. i want it to be better than last year. oh, bob just said they ARENT having a party. hm.
i am so alone right now. ugh. kris is laying down with mom but i still can't leave just in case he gets up. oisdnvsdfijsoeiuraweavaed frustration. i guess i'll get dressed and cute while i'm waiting. blah.
oh, and it's way beautiful out today. gray and rainy, yumyumyum.
love.
Princess at 2:13 PM
i coudln't think of a Y band that i actually liked. hm.
Princess
at 8:43 PM
i'm sort of freaking out, HARD. so this is me trying to calm down.
1) Using band names, spell out your name
T tool
Y
L le tigre
E eurythmics
R rondelles
2) Have you ever had a song written about you? yeah.
3) What song makes you cry? all sorts of songs, it's ridiculous. if it reminds me of anything at all, i'll bawl my pretty little eyes out, ugh.
4) What song makes you happy? anything rg.
5) What do you like to listen to before bed? ooh hungry lucy.
a p p e a r a n c e
HEIGHT: 5'2 3/4"
HAIR COLOR: burnette, ew.
SKIN COLOR: pale.
EYE COLOR: bluegraygreen.
PIERCINGS: five.
TATTOOS: thousands of scars.
r i g h t - n o w
WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING?: blue.
WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: uh, the background music of duck dodgers that my brother is watching.
WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: strawberry lemon ice.
WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: surprisingly warm.
HOW ARE YOU? frustrated and psychotic.
d o - y o u
GET MOTION SICKNESS?: only in cars.
HAVE A BAD HABIT?: way way way too many.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: my mommy, yes.
f a v o r i t e s
TV SHOW: billy and mandy?
CONDITIONER: some stuff from b&bw. or jenn's progaine, hah.
MAGAZINE: bitch.
SODA: fufu berry.
THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: cody.
BAND OR GROUP or SINGER or RAPPER: joj.
h a v e - y o u
BROKEN THE LAW: yup.
RAN AWAY FROM HOME: in a sense.
SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yeah.
EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: hah, yes.
MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: haha good times.
EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: ewww.
USED YOUR PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: plastic=scary.
SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: yeah.
FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: all the fucking time.
BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: mhm.
LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: all the fucking time.
l o v e
BOYFRIEND: bobbi.
GIRLFRIEND: cody.
CHILDREN: NEVER.
BEEN IN LOVE?: mhm.
HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: omfg yeah.
BEEN HURT?: sadly.
YOUR GREATEST REGRET: march 17+? or even ever having that at all?
GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR 3 DAYS: dated? yes. "gone out"? not that i can think of, but probably.
r a n d o m
DO YOU HAVE A JOB: yup.
YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: some joj*myruin*rasputina mix? or hole's livethroughthis.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: pink*silver*black*glitter mix.
WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: cody, haylee, bobbi, jones, activism, dancing, music, omg this could go on forever.
WHO MAKES YOU THE HAPPIEST?: cody.
WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: hellifiknow.
WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: haylee.cody.bobbi.nikki.xtian.cory.xjenn.
w h e n / w h a t - w a s - t h e - l a s t
TIME YOU CRIED?: last night, with cody.
YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: not forever. well, from my grandma recently.
YOU GOT E-MAIL: today.
TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: i'm listening to billy and mandy right now.
MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: freddy vs. jason.
y o u r - t h o u g h t s - o n
ABORTION: scary, but right.
TEENAGE SMOKING: EWEWEEWEWEWEWWWWWWWW!
SPICE GIRLS: ..bobbi, paprika.. i <3 ginger.
Princess
at 8:43 PM
yesterday was great, really effing great.
haylee and i took a ton of totally hilarious pictures on the digital camera, including a series of me stealing our jesus out of the nativity scene, haha. it's this really dumb running joke because someone actually stole our jesus last year, and so my mom put a baby doll with a spotlight on it out this year. BUT yeah, i'm putting a page together with all of them on it as soon as the dumb thing decides to work.
cody got here at like, 3:30, and haylee left around 8. i totally love them and three quarters. cody had to leave at 11:40 *i'm in trouble for last week haha*, which sucked ASS, but it was still totally amazing to see him. i'm such a dork over him. i can't even believe the way i get over him, it's so like.. atypical of moi. i mean, ew, all romantic. but i can't even help it. he really loves me, holy crap he really loves me and it's amazing. his mom told him yesterday she might move out of the southside, but he's staying here for me. which means he would move in with his dad and suffer the vacuum just for me. what a relief and seventy queerillion eighths. and.. wow, i can't believe i mean that much, it like doesn't register in my head. I LOVE A BOY WHO LOVES ME BACK, FOR REAL SO HARD AND I'M HAPPY OMG. *giggles*.
i slept for an entire SEVEN HOURS last night after he left. holy freaking crap... i haven't slept that long uninterrupted in forever. i guess i was just that relaxed.
hay called, i have to go.
Princess
at 4:50 PM
this made me excited. i found it in some PeTA faq thing. now i have a comeback!
comment:"God put animals here for us to use; the Bible gives us dominion over animals."
answer: Dominion is not the same as tyranny. The Queen of England has "dominion" over her subjects, but that doesn't mean she can eat them, wear them, or experiment on them. If we have dominion over animals, surely it is to protect them, not to use them for our own ends. There is nothing in the Bible that would justify our modern-day policies and programs that desecrate the environment, destroy entire species of wildlife, and inflict torment and death on billions of animals every year. The Bible imparts a reverence for life; a loving God could not help but be appalled at the way animals are being treated.
Princess
at 8:58 AM
i couldn't sleep. well, i could, but around 2 i woke up and had freddy kreuger nightmares until like 5, and i kept hearing haylee have conversations with me that she wasn't actually saying anything, so i got up and left. i freak myself out.
soooo. yeah, hay's over. went to the mall for like all day yesterday. i wanted to leave, but people kept showing up, so i was there until close, haha. I GOT TO SEE MY BOB THOUGH! thank goddess. i needed it and three quarters. anysway, i spent most the day with boobitta *lovely*, but of course there was door and le hay and heather and paisley and twiggy and even chad and pablo and tyler and brian and samm and chris and stuffs. tons of people. pablo was so cute, he kept taking pictures of us and our shoes and stuffs. haha and when the door met him he was like, THAT'S PABLO? I THOUGHT YOU SAID HE WAS MESICAN! and he laughed and goes.. i am. twas hilarious, for we all know pablo is the whitest white boy alive, who happens to have a huge fat mesican dad, haha.
cody will be here in.. 8 hours? happiness in a box.
i wish captain planet was on.
samm made me feel way special with one of those compliments that you know wasn't like, a yucky hit on me thing, but would be from anyone else, haha. he goes.. tyler, that skirt looks amazing on you, it really makes your ass like..WOAH. **he did one of those little shaky samm spasms, nikki**. i felt way pretty after that. he rocks out with his cock out.
and i'd missed chris, he's such a sweetheart. he came and ate with us on his break, came up and hugged me. yayness.
i bought hay the CUTEST SKIRT ALIVE. it's all pleated and adorable, and it made her all happy. and i bought another four pack o fufu berry. mmmm.
when i came home, sarah and george and chloe were here, and omg chloe is the cutest thing now that she can sortof talk. she gave me my jesusday present, which chloe picked out, and it was hello kitty pajama pants. she was so excited about it, it was adorable! she performed for us, singing twinkletwinkle and stuff, and rolling her eyes for us, haha. it makes me so happy that she like, knows me, because she never fucking sees us, and for a two year old to remember people she never sees... it's a big deal. and i love that she likes me so much, it's great. *blushes*.
i broke both my fucking thumbnails. at least it'll be easier to play tetris and type. but it's still really annoying. i HATE it when they aren't even, it drives me fucking insane. no i'm not ocd, what are you talking about?! *giggles*.
i ate three pieces of pizza total today, what a fucking fat ass. well, two and a half, because bobbi helped me eat at the mall. i wanted to throw up so bad, but i was with bobbi and then hay. and i promised i wouldn't. kill me with spoons. knowing me, i'll gain five pounds from today's escapades. but.. i'll work it off tomorrow *giggles way hard*.
i hate myself, my body. we're not what you would call friends. i'm really done with this whole.. insomnia thing. 10 years is enough, i think. yeah, i was doing that crazy restless leg thing tonight, omg how annoying. and then of course, the night terrors and talking to myself in my sleep so loud i wake up, or just plain waking up or just plain not being able to GO to sleep... all of these things, they can go away any time now, really. i'd be good with that. and maybe my eating disorder could follow it out the door. and maybe my SI. and maybe my psychosis. and maybe my persona disorders. and maybe my stupid chronic depression. and maybe my self esteem. and maybe my.. everything. maybe just stuipd me.
i've been wondering.. how much does my insanity make who i am? if i get rid of it, what will i be? if i'm not melancholy, not depressed, not an HSP, not OCD, not swinging all over the place moodwise, not constantly freaking out or too hyper or something.. what the hell will i be? if you take away what's wrong.. is there anything left that's right? i wonder.
i guess it's all ok, since i know he's going to love me no matter what i am.
i think my brother's downstairs eating haylee's pizza. i have to go murder him.
love.
Princess
at 7:08 AM
Tea party,
Tee me off-
pour me gentlemanly cup and
send me flying
cross your aplomb.
Tie me up,
sir Ty,
and force feed me false flattery in tea bags.
collared shirts
and white afternoon gloves,
ladies forbidden
(we only accept sluts).
Proper piss off,
tea for two.
Princess
at 1:24 PM
i wish i could see bob today. argh.
i will be seeing hay today, though, which is a lovely tradeoff *giggles*. and tomorrow is cody day, of course. maybe tomorrow morning, depending on what time hay leaves, i'll stop by bob's and give her a taco.
i'm not sure anyone knows me very well at all, i decided. perhaps i don't even know myself. i wonder how i feel about that. *shrugs*. hm.
kris gave me my jesusday present this morning, so adorable. it's a little journal with little winged bears on it, and it says something like *beary special thoughts*. they have little halos, so cute. he sort of blushed giving it to me, it was the sweetest thing alive ever possible. he's in all camo today, it's hilarious. he got camo pants yesterday.. i'm not sure he'll ever take them off. he'll spend months in those pants in his jeep with his new leap pad scooby doo things, i'm pretty sure. *giggles*.
i wonder if hay is up yet. hmm.. i think i'll go cal lher. love.
Princess
at 11:06 AM
he called, it was lovely. i do love him. *melts all over the floor*.
i guess rose called him first, yelling about me. he laughed.
he is beautiful, he makes me feel so loved. maybe everyone's right, maybe i do occupy all his..ness. but i like being top priority. i like that he wants to talk with me, to be with me. it's the greatest thing ever. and i don't think it bothers him any, either.
i like being happy.
watching alice in wonderland, eating empty food. i love that movie, it makes me so giggly. nonsensical, like me.
drain x november: desert is ice cream - dessert is iraq, right?
ggglittersoresss: ha, no, other way around
drain x november: goddamn me.
drain x november: i hate those two words.
ggglittersoresss: two s's in dessert because you want two helpings
drain x november: ooh. thanks. ;-*
...
drain x november: psh, nuh. you're smart. you know the difference between a banana split and iraq.
drain x november: me, i try to eat saddam and kill banana splits, dude.
i'm deciding whether to get up and do something productive like clean or lay back down. laying down means staying down for.. a very long while. and beign up means maybe i will fall asleep later on in the evening. i hate my body, i hate my dumb clock. i hate my insomnia.
i just discovered the scariest thing in the world. it's a 50 yr old man who thinks he's peter pan. i'mm actually crying, holy shit. omg.
*dies*.
Princess
at 5:39 AM
and by the way, kris in his jeep is THE MOST ADORABLE THING IN THE WORLD. it makes me so giggly.
Princess
at 8:04 PM
oh, and her diary. she pasted the conversation, with this before it.
"Well my christmas was not to bad i guess. my aunt got me candles called sex. i love them so much. yea i am talking to cody's like bitch and well i let you read what its got to say when we are done. and i was so not glad to have that talk with her now that i think of it and i am not too glad that i am having this one too."
and so, i feel so provoked that i had to leave her a little message.
"haha, i laugh at you. maybe you think i am cody's bitch, but the point is.. i am and you aren't. and so, i laugh at you."
and yes, i'm actually laughing. *giggles*. that's going to cause some stirs, oops.
Princess
at 7:49 PM
entertain me, just ask me to bitch you out.
come on, come at me, i dare you. hahahaha.
Nirvanafreak88: So what all have you said about me?
ggglittersoresss: that i hated what you said about me
Nirvanafreak88: is that it
ggglittersoresss: pretty much
ggglittersoresss: i said i hoped karma came and bit you in the ass so you'd stop talking about me
ggglittersoresss: and it did, and you did.
ggglittersoresss: i think.
Nirvanafreak88: right
ggglittersoresss: and i think one day you were awarded the official fuck off that i give to people in my blog because you told cody soemthing really stupid about not liking me from the beginning, that's it
ggglittersoresss: i mean, i couldn't talk about you considering i have next to no idea who you are
ggglittersoresss: i wouldn't have anything to say
Nirvanafreak88: ok
ggglittersoresss: ok
Nirvanafreak88: well about the thing about me not liking you from the start i did say that
ggglittersoresss: i know
Nirvanafreak88: cause have you ever got the feeling like that before for someone?
ggglittersoresss: not really. but anyway, you didn't say that until after you found out i fucked him. it was a direct effect thing, i think.
ggglittersoresss: it's easy to say things about me for you, i think.
Nirvanafreak88: no i said that like the first time he asked me if i like you
Nirvanafreak88: why do you say that? ggglittersoresss [7:14 PM]: it's easy to say things about me for you, i think.
ggglittersoresss: because you don't like that i'm with cody. it's an act of jealousy, talking about me. it makes you feel better about it.
Nirvanafreak88: well of course i dont like you with cody no one likes it and no it does not make me feel better about the whole things by talking about you
ggglittersoresss: well, it's an outlet for your negative feelings. you need someone to blame for him not being what you want him to be, and so it's really really easy for everyone to point the finger at me. and honestly, i don't care if anyone likes it and he doesn't either. that's why we're together.
Nirvanafreak88: of ok i think the only reason you too are together is cause you do shit with him
Nirvanafreak88: two
ggglittersoresss: well, considering that's been going on for three weeks, and we've been together much longer than that, and WANTED to be together much longer than that, and are totally in love, i have a very difficult time believing that.
ggglittersoresss: but it would be nice for you to believe that.
Nirvanafreak88: well maybe just fucking has been going on for three weeks but you dont more sooner then that
ggglittersoresss: honestly, much didn't go on sooner than that.
ggglittersoresss: i don't really believe in just pleasing someone else sexually for their benefit only.
ggglittersoresss: it's a principle of mine.
Nirvanafreak88: well i have heard different
ggglittersoresss: and i don't really care what you've heard. because you heard it.
Nirvanafreak88: from cody
ggglittersoresss: that doesn't make it true.
ggglittersoresss: and rose, he lies to you.
Nirvanafreak88: like at the first if the school year
ggglittersoresss: ha, nothing was going on then.
Nirvanafreak88: ok
ggglittersoresss: it's not like i wouldn't own up to it.
ggglittersoresss: because i don't really care.
Nirvanafreak88: ok
Nirvanafreak88: so what all has cody lied to me about?
ggglittersoresss: he lies to everyone. all the time.
Nirvanafreak88: even you
ggglittersoresss: occasionally. less for me than anyone else, i've learned to catch him. and just for me, he's really working on it.
Nirvanafreak88: right
Nirvanafreak88: im sure he still lies to you without you knowing
ggglittersoresss: i'm sure he does, on occasion.
Nirvanafreak88: o
Nirvanafreak88: k
ggglittersoresss: but i am really really sensitive to that, so he really and honestly tries to not do it. i have faith in him, too.
Nirvanafreak88: well i did
ggglittersoresss: well that just sucks, doesn't it?
Nirvanafreak88: i have faith in him on somethings just not on picking the
Nirvanafreak88: right girls
ggglittersoresss: why thank you, rose. but i'm pretty sure that he did a fantastic job at picking me over you.
Nirvanafreak88: really now i think he should have picked indy over you
Nirvanafreak88: or even gone back out with bobbi i would have like that a lot
ggglittersoresss: well no one really gives a fuck what you think about that.
ggglittersoresss: your thought on the subject.. is wasted.
Nirvanafreak88: really
ggglittersoresss: because i make him happy, and bobbi and indy and everyone else failed to do that. and if you were the friend to him you make yourself out to be, you would be happy that he is.
Nirvanafreak88: well i tried to but his head is to far up your ass that i cant
Nirvanafreak88: he wont let me
ggglittersoresss: ..good one.
Nirvanafreak88: but then again if he really did love you so much as you say then why did he give me a kiss last monday
ggglittersoresss: haha, anything he gave you doesn't intimidate me rose
Nirvanafreak88: ummmm ok
ggglittersoresss: what kind of kiss was this that i should be oh-so-afraid of?
Nirvanafreak88: why do you care? i thought i did not intimidate you
ggglittersoresss: it doesn't
ggglittersoresss: you're probably lying anyway. you're looking for something spiteful to threaten me with.
Nirvanafreak88: no im not
Nirvanafreak88: well if you must know it was just on the lips
Nirvanafreak88: and i would never lie about kissing someone to anyone even if i hated them
ggglittersoresss: well, it's not exactly like i'm not a firm believer in kissing your friends, i am the type to hug and kiss everyone
ggglittersoresss: and if he wants to do it, more power to him
Nirvanafreak88: ok
ggglittersoresss: and i make sure that cody and my relationship is very open, anyway. so.. doesn't bother me.
Nirvanafreak88: o ok
Nirvanafreak88: well i am done of fighting with you and whatnot and i still want my nirvana shirt back the day we all go back to school
Nirvanafreak88: and since you see cody once a week then i should get it back
ggglittersoresss: if you wanted your damn shirt, you probably should've been nicer to me.
Nirvanafreak88: o really
ggglittersoresss: yes really. when you want something from someone, you treat them nicely. or at least with some degree of respect/regard.
Nirvanafreak88: well its mine and i better get it back
Nirvanafreak88: no no no
Nirvanafreak88: cause its mine not yours
ggglittersoresss: i didn't say i wasn't giving it back, i said you should use logic.
Nirvanafreak88: ok
Nirvanafreak88: well maybe next time i will
ggglittersoresss: i sure hope so
ggglittersoresss: and also, you should probably take into account the fact that it is a holiday, even though i hate it, and it's not the best time to fucking attack someone.
Nirvanafreak88: whatever
ggglittersoresss: good comeback.
Nirvanafreak88: i have to get off so im sorry we could not keep fighting
Nirvanafreak88: bye
ggglittersoresss: haha, merry fucking jesusday.
Princess
at 7:45 PM
i am such a bitch, and it is hilarious.
Princess
at 7:36 PM
*melts*
"forget my name.
i'm sitting here thinking of you and longing for one of those taco bell pow-wows that we've partially planned. i feel so comfortable and just ..myself around you. more so than anyone else. thinking about the day when you decided to pop in with your meatless double decker supreme and force me to eat once since you just so happened to buy two. ugh. "and it feels like i'm at an all time low, slightly bruised and broken from our head on collision." that's exactly how it feels. i want to be sitting with you in the middle of my living room floor trying to eat a damned taco laughing about my christmas tree, whose testicles are all blue-balled. calling my sister christmas tree because it sounds like a good name. or sitting with you in the dark and so-totally-super-fucking-scary movie theatre watching the worst guy ever in the world, freddy krueger and your ex-boyfriend, jason. clutching onto your hand, being afraid that he's really going to fucking get me. again. screaming our fucking heads off when they look at us or worst of all, when freddy winks at us. or being with you freezing our balls off at the gasstation trying to figure out how in the hell to get the damned gascap off. and i want to be walking into the gasstation and have psycho guys yell at you and wonder what youre wearing, when it's completely obvious that youre wearing a skirt. gosh. people these days are seriously stupid. but youre not a people and youre not stupid. youre my princess and you make me feel stupid because youre just so much better than me in every damned way. but you still make life so much easier for me to live. but without you, i feel no point in it all."
from bob's journal.
Princess
at 7:08 PM
put a gun to my mouth and paint the walls with my brains.
cannot. fucking. breathe.
oh, and he called me TWICE about an hour ago, before we got home. of course, i can't fucking call back.
Princess
at 6:59 PM
is it wrong to want drugs on christmas? i want tons of them. it's all i can do to not take all brandon's stupid adderall. i'll settle for anything at this point.
mom, kris, and jerry are sleeping. brandon is rambling while playing his video game. i am still in my pajamas, braless, with heartburn and heartbreak.
not that it matters, but here's what i got for stupidjesusday:
*the pink cord jacket from wet seal
*red shiny sexiness high heels
*shiny black hottness volatiles with baby pink ribboney stuff
*the pink nightmare hoodie
*a furry scarf
*a marilyn monroe purse
*long silky gloves
*a window scraper for my car
*an umbrella with degas ballerinas on it
*alice in wonderland tape
*a purpley pink phone, since mine is broken and everyone is ready to kill me for stealing theirs
*toothpaste in those cool new fangled bottles, man
*yummy lip balm
*evil candy
*little bottles of yummy scented face stuffs
*a curling iron so i won't steal my mom's anymore.
totally more than i needed/wanted. but i'm thankful, it was all very sweet and my favorite things.
kris's little eyes lit up so hard when he found his jeep, and he kept going on and on about how he loved the flames on them. i almost blushed, go me for putting them on.
i didn't sleep well at all, and i woke up at maybe 6:30 and watched clifford and stuff, waiting on mom to get home. i went downstairs, and brandon was already up watching fairly odd parents, so we sat and waited together. he was being a total asshole, of course. gah. he told me i'm worthless and that i never do anything for anyone in this house, like usual, but i was so furious at him for saying that. there wouldn't have been a fucking jesusday if it wasn't for me, i should've pulled candy outta his stocking. given him some coal, haha. i hate the horrible things he says at me. anyway, she walked in a little before 8, right in time because kris was downstairs trying to peek. it was the first christmas ever *besides the one i spent with my dad* that the sun was rising while we were opening presents.
my poor mom had a terrible shift last night. everyone treats her like total shit in the ER because they want to go back right then, even though she can't do anything about it. a drug seeker came in last night and cussed her out and i guess they had to call security, and that fucking asshole called and complained about her. fucker. and there was faulty equipment when she was trying to stick a baby, i guess the catheter was splintered and the IV kept blowing. i swear though, people come in for the dumbest things. they throw up ONCE, or they have a toothache or something. she's sleeping now, and i so bad don't want her to wake up because she's so miserable. if it gets close to one and she's still asleep, i think i'll call punkin and ask her if mom can come later or something. or if she gets up, i want to take her back home earlier. poor thing.
i ate pringles, i'm so mad at myself. PIZZA pringles, even. fuck. and i had five goldfish. i'm going to blow up like a balloon.
joe called and said something about he thought we were having xmas between 10 and 11. i didn't even get anyone up for his call, i don't think they really care to go today. aunt kim called, too. she said she got me a gift card.
i have an hour and fifteen minutes. maybe i'll take a shower to distract myself, get ready for a very very long time. yeah. yeah.
happy evil jesusday, again. BLAH.
Princess
at 11:46 AM
maybe i should shave. shaving is like cutting. only not. good girl cutting. cutting off hairs instead of skin.
i am going to breathe. i am going to breathe. oxygen is my friend. and i am going to breathe it. i am going to breathe. i'm not going to hurt myself. i'm not giong to hurt myself. i'm NOT going to hurt myself. i'm not going to hurt myself. i'm not going to hurt myself. i'm not going to hurt myself. i'm not going to hurt myself.
jerry just came out of his room, can barely walk. sits down. is having chest pain. says it's scaring him. says he's trying to decide what to do. oh dear god dear god i really hope everything is going to be ok. i think i'm going to go try to drive him to the hospital. he went downstairs, i don't know what he's doing.. shit. once again, merry stupidjesusness.
bobbi i.m.ed me, too. great.
drain x november: i don't think they were you because your comments are always identifiable. and you're not who has turned against me, it's not too great too assume.
ggglittersoresss: *thanks to tyler and door for bringing that on.*
ggglittersoresss: ALL is an inclusive term.
drain x november: you were an inspiration. i didn't say it was about you.
ggglittersoresss: glad i could be of service.
drain x november: i'm sorry, i'll make sure i put a different word next time, princess.
ggglittersoresss: why thank you. wouldn't want any further misunderstandings, now would we?
drain x november: of course not. it's sad, though, that you're the only one misunderstanding everything that gets misunderstood. i'll do better for you next time.
drain x november: and i have that cd for you, but i don't have a way to get it to you for awhile. so if youre going to the mall or anything, could you let me know so i can get it to you?
ggglittersoresss: you do that. because even though everything's my fault, i'm obviously the stubborn one here who is gong to make you.
ggglittersoresss: i don't want your fucking cd. i don't want anything for jesus.
drain x november: no one's said everything's your fault; just some things.
ggglittersoresss: and i especially don't want a gift from you right now.
drain x november: it wasn't for jesus. it was for you a few nights ago.
drain x november: that's fine, fuck it.
drain x november: i was just wanting you to know that despite all this bullshit, i actually do still care.
ggglittersoresss: you obviously don't think i deserve any kind of gift, so i don't want it.
drain x november: how do i think that if i bought it after this shit happened?
ggglittersoresss: i care, it's not bullshit to me.
ggglittersoresss: *good person right there.*
ggglittersoresss: that's how.
drain x november: it is bullshit because practically everything was taken the wrong way.
drain x november: yeh, i also did say a sorry and that i was kind of pissed after that.
ggglittersoresss: to rose.
drain x november: you shouldn't focus on one point of what's said and take the whole picture with it.
drain x november: yes, i know i said it to rose.
ggglittersoresss: you get so defensive about all this, you get so *oh, you're taking/doing this all wrong*, but bobbi hello, think about it, you KNOW how i take things like that
ggglittersoresss: i think just about any other person would, too. for the first time, it's not all in my head.
drain x november: i know and i've apologized and told you how i was meaning for it to be said yet you STILL hold it against me like nothing i said afterwards was ever said.
ggglittersoresss: because you apologized before when you did the same thing. it's a see-through apology, at this point.
drain x november: obviously bobbi's dumbass doesn't think when she first says something, but afterwards she takes it into thought.
drain x november: well bobbi's just a fuck-up and she's told everyone that all along
drain x november: but do they listen? nooo.
drain x november: "there's more to you, i see past all that" bullshit because that's all that is there.
ggglittersoresss: well think about this, even on rose's journal when you said sorry to her, you could've backspaced that. but you purposely left it there.
drain x november: but did i reread what i said? no. i did not.
drain x november: i did afterwards and kicked myself for it
ggglittersoresss: you knew you typed it, because you commented on it.
drain x november: no shit. but i didn't think about it or ways it may be taken.
drain x november: it was anger. and i said that.
drain x november: yet you still keep going back to the same things. i understnad, but fuck.,
ggglittersoresss: that doesn't mean it's going to disappear from my head.
ggglittersoresss: you DONT understand because you ARENT understanding to me about it, you're totally insensitive to the way it makes me feel and why i get like this at all
drain x november: no, it doesn't. but at least you could ease up a little. like we've all done for tyler many times. how many times have you upset me or something and i let it by because i know youdont mean it and you have fucking problems that could be an excuse for it.
drain x november: god fuck, tyler i cant do this right now i cant take anymore ill talk to you later about this if you want but i cant do it now
ggglittersoresss: because this is ONE issue where i dont like to be crossed
ggglittersoresss: then why did you bring it up?
ggglittersoresss: i wasn't exactly prepared either
drain x november: because i didnt think it would go this far
drain x november: so can we just stop
drain x november: im going to fucking lose it again
ggglittersoresss: fine
ggglittersoresss: all i want to say is i am really really hurt, it's only been a day and that's not going anywhere because i don't see any kind of sincereity coming from you. that's all.
drain x november: yuo dont see it because you obviously cant see shit through a computer but whatever just forget i said anything im a fuckup just forget it
ggglittersoresss: ..right.
great great great.
Princess
at 2:05 AM
HATE ME, I DARE YA.
Princess
at 1:46 AM
trying not to cry. i'm not going to panic, i'm not going to panic, i'm not going to panic, i'm going to breathe.
cody actually called me this morning, it's on the id. no one gave me the phone. i want my mommy, i'm so alone, i don't want her to be at work and miserable. i set up all the presents, they're pretty. i didn't want to let myself have any of it, though. i just didn't want it, i guess.
what i want for xmas.
*cody.
*haylee.
*for bobbi to stop making me feel so horrible about me.
*for my hair to be thicker.
*for my mom to take that school nurse job.
*for my job to pay more.
*to see fruitball.
*for the boys to like their presents.
*for my scars to go away.
*to lose the rest of my weight.
*for my head to leave me alone.
*to remember to take my paxil, to get my dose reevaluated.
that's it.
and i wish that i could've talked to him this morning. and that these fucking cravings would go away.
today, i ate:
a bowl of cereal.
two cookies.
a piece of cheese.
half a bottle of fufu berry.
that's a lot. god. i couldn't help it tonight, i had to eat that fucking piece of cheese. and kris made those cookies, he wanted me to have them, so i ate two. i can't even believe myself.
tomorrow, i'm going to throw up AT LEAST half of what i eat. at least. otherwise, it'll be so effing painful. because i'll be in front of them, i'm goign to have to eat normal amounts or they'll get upset. but it'll be way too much for my stomach to handle, and i hate how bad that hurts. so i'm promising myself right now. one half minimum.
mom will be home in about six hours. do i want to sleep? yes. do i want to take the pills to fall asleep? no. but that made me want to hear vivica, haha.
i don't know what else to do. i'm going to stay on thje computer, relatively occupied, until i eitehr am so tired i can't sit up anymore or until i stop freaking out. i don't trust myself right now.
hm. what to do. check my email, i guess. agh, love.
Princess
at 1:30 AM
aghaghagh so again with the bobbi and her cutting me down. comments on rose's journal. "oh yeah, great person right there, pff." and that was totally what i needed today.
i'm a little afraid for myself. of myself. i'm doing one of those build up to some huge nervous breakdown things, i can see it coming. and i'm afraid because no one is going to be able to catch me this time. everything is going to keep piling up, this horrible horrible urge is really going to get to me, something big is going to happen, and i'm going to come tumbling down again. i wonder what part i'll lose this time. i'm really trying to take preventitive measures, but i just.. i don't know what i can really do. i mean, i hate it when i just.. lose control like that, i really wish i knew how to keep that from happening. blah.
i fucking hate the holidays.
i didn't even get to mke those goddamn shirts like i wanted to. i did get my check today though. $70. it's a lot, i know, but it felt so damn menial next to all the shit i do. that sounds selfish. dammit. i just, i want to not have to ask my mom for money. for gas or food or whatever. and i want to start saving for when i go to college, because i'm NOT staying here and it costs an assload of money to go out of state. and i want to make enough so that i won't cost much for our family like i do, so that my mom doesn't feel like she has to work such horrible hours and be miserable. but that's all in my dreams, of course. fuck. fuck me, fuck everything.
ha, i love haylee. i almost just peed myself over this.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: you need the cody, in a milkshake
hnrstrwbRRy 32: pouring hersheys syrup all over hjimself moaning OH YES, THIS IS WHAT YO UNEED BABY
ggglittersoresss: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
ok this is what we need to do. these are some reasons why i need to not hurt myself right now:
*i don't want anything to show for the xmas dance
*mom will die if she finds anything on me tomorrow
*and blame herself for having me play santa
*cody doesn't want me to do it
*i need to be a good example, i need to practice what i preach
*scars are not my friends
*hiding it really really sucks
*um... um. because most my razors are dulling anyway and it would take awhile
*because santa does not cut himself?
*because i'm tired of everything i have being covered in blood
*because...because.
*i want to be good, i want to be good. i want to not stress everyone else out. the goal is to be good.
*if i end up cutting, my neck is what craves it right now and hiding those scars will be hella worse than hiding hickeys, which is the shittiest thing in the world
*i dont even own a turtleneck
i can't think of any more. gah.
ok ok ok distraction.
OMG KRIS IS ASLEEP! thank god. i'm going to go. love, merry fucking stupidjesusday.
Princess
at 11:43 PM
hnrstrwbRRy 32: why did your day suck again?
ggglittersoresss: just, brandon has treated me like lower than dirt ALL DAY. and i didn't feel well, so i just layed around until work, and my mom lets off all this steam about xmas, and all the million things i have to do, and then i get stuck at work late and come home, and jerry was picking me up to go to this family thing and i wasn't ready and then we went to the family thing and i got this horrible headache and was miserable, and fell asleep but brandon kept coming over and sitting on me and he acted totally out of line the WHOLE time but mom wasn't there to shut him up and he started yelling at me in front of everyone when i tried to get him off of me.. and then my brother joe got in this huge fight with my stupid older sister and her husband, and he was totally drunk and we had to take him home and then in the car brandon was horrible and kris smacked him because he was elbowing him all over and brandon fucking punched him in the eye
ggglittersoresss: and comes in the door mkaing all these snide comments to me, it makes me want to not fill his stocking, haha
Princess
at 11:07 PM
pointless. me, and all my ridiculous little thoughts and motions and everything else are pointless. completely.
i wish i was the one i could depend on. but no one can depend on me. i.. lack point. i lack sense.
i've been laying around since this morning with the tv on, not watching it. turning over and over and over on my floor with those sleeping bags and the duck pillow, where we were on saturday. in his jacket. searching for the last bits of his smell. wishing he would come and mend my last few days, knowing it won't happen. holding out for the time not too long from now when we can get the hell out of here, and i'll have him all the time. mine.
i ate breakfast. what a mistake. maybe, though, it'll keep me from eating for the rest of the day. that would be such an accoplishment, to go to that damn family thing tonight and not eat. because i'm goign to have to eat tomorrow. and i'm going to have to throw a lot of it up. what a stupid cycle.
i like lemons.
i told cody that when we move out, we're NOT having a dog. and i decided that even harder today, when my dog trampled me and ran rampant in the house *covered in snow* while i was trying to feed her. in my house, our house, we will not be keeping dogs.
he laughed at me. i wish i could laugh right now.
daily i become more serious about taking off.
bobbi wishes that one of us three would disappear. when i go, i'm taking him with me. and he wants to come. thank god.dess.
Princess
at 12:43 PM
130.5. ugh.
Princess
at 12:33 PM
"kris, what are the reindeers' names again?"
"dixen and nixon and prancer and cancer..."
*
i hate snow.
Princess
at 10:18 AM
tiredsick. again. some more.
heartbroken. all over the place.
mad at the jesus holiday.
must go feed the dog.
Princess
at 10:05 AM
*giggles*.
You're Whip Bettie. You're definitely on the
masochistic side. You like to sport dark colors
and especially black vinyl. Pain is
beauty...and well SEXY! Many see you as a
bitch, but that's okay, you can't always be
around to say thank you :)
Which Bettie Page Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Princess
at 2:43 AM
Five Things I Would Buy With $1,000,000
1. a lot of gas.
2. a fake id.
3. a few things for a few people.
4. a new fucking bed.
5. towards school, towards my eventual studio apartment..
10 Years Ago, I...
1. lived in beech grove.
2. was first in my class.
3. took jazz and ballet.
4. started getting involved in art contests.
5. was really excited about jerry and my mom getting married.
5 Years Ago, I...
1. was still in BG.
2. was still first in my class.
3. was in lots lots more dance.
4. had a picture in the indy art museum.
5. realized there was something wrong with me.
6. had my first slut rumor go around school when i started my period and had B size boobs.
3 Years Ago, I...
1. was getting my shit together to move to silver lake.
2. got my first D when i missed two weeks of school in rehab.
3. hated hated hated dance, and the arduous hours of performance company.
4. was about to get really fucking fat.
5. was admitted to the hospital for the first time for an OD.
1 Year Ago, I...
1. lived here, and was going to perry.
2. realized my cutting was really, really out of control.
3. started dating john.
4. was always very very very sick from vomiting, the flu, and ODs.
5. had jenn.
So Far This Year, I...
1. discovered so much of myself.
2. have struggled my ass off.
3. discovered rg.
4. found someone that actually makes me happy.
5. have gotten a hell of a lot better.
Yesterday, I...
1. saw my grandparents for the first time in a long ass time.
2. got sooooooooooo sick.
3. had about 80 mood swings.
4. got TWO phone calls from cody! hah.
5. bought the prettiest dress i've EVER seen.
Today, I...
1. made marzipan with punkin.
2. tried to watch a movie with cory, but left because i thought i was going to puke on him.
3. took a huge long sick girl nap.
4. went to the mall with haylee.
5. ate a whole lot more than i should've.
Tomorrow, I Will...
1. go to work.
2. go to jerry's family party.
3. set up the house for xmas morning.
4. probably still be sick.
5. maybe get my hair cut.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
1. abandonment.
2. spiders.
3. myself.
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
1. jealousy.
2. human nature.
3. myself.
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
1. how to lose more weight.
2. how to be happier.
3. how to get over my.. afflictions.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. a pair of girl's size 14-16 pants that i actually have like, tons of room in.
2. my bracelets.
3. one of my favorite pairs of underwear, comfty boy shorts.
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. a picture of haylee and cody, which is way adorable.
2. my doctor bag purse.
3. my school system.
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. be happy all the time.
2. feel pretty all the time.
3. make a couple of other particular people happy.
THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. i'm very open.
2. i'm very strong, sometimes.
3. i'm so all over the place.
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. i'm very open.
2. i'm very weak, and no one ever sees it.
3. i'm so all over the place.
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. my feet.
2. my hands.
3. my back.
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. MY STOMACH.
2. my scars.
3. my fatness.
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
1. i'm a lot different than everyone thinks i am, even the people that know me really well.
2. i have bad social anxiety.
3. i am insane.
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
1. new york.
2. washington.
3. to a manson show.
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
1. princess
2. bettie
3. tyler
Princess
at 2:28 AM
today so far= horrible horrible horri fucking horrible.
i am SOOOOO sick. all i want is to talk to cody. i want to just gush out all these stupid feelings i have right now, and then he'll do that... ohh, well, i have something to tell you and it's called i am all in love with you... and i'll feel all better. that's all i want. is that so much to ask? yes. dammit. yes.
anyway. so sick. of COURSE i have to be sick the day before xmas eve. of COURSE.
and AGAIN with this whole good lay thing, i can't get it off my fucking mind. she emailed me explaining it away. i wrote back. i'm just not cool with being belittled for anyone else to feel better. because quite frankly, rose thinks of me as nothing already and i don't really give a damn how awful she feels about all this because IT'S CALLED KARMA. she says wretched things about me, i hope it comes back on her with all its might like it is right now. maybe she'll learn to shut up about it. and i mean, i don't know, the only short time period i ever went through where cody avoided me.. i confronted it, totally up front about it, and it stopped immediately. and if it wouldn't have stopped, i wouldn't let it get to me because he's just such a..cody. i'm fukcing SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT. get over it people, if you don't like him then don't stick around. his way has ALWAYS been to gradually leave people, he just does that. he stops talking to people randomly. he's weird like that. if you don't like it, don't let it happen, but dont sit arouond complaining and talking like it's my fault. and don't ever try to downsize me, it's not happening. no.
i keep thinking i hear the phone ring. i hate it when you're so sick that you start imagining things. and i can't stop shaking. it hurts. i was trying to drive while shaking this bad..what a nightmare. i'm surprised i didn't wreck, honestly surprised.
but yeah, i wen tto cory's, which would've been nice if i wasn't ready to vomit all over him. we started watching some weird ass movie with helena bonham carter in it, who i love so hard. and i went to punkin's this morning to make marzipan. which was nice. would've been better if i wasn't ready to die, once again. but of course, i have to be all disgusting again.
ugh. haylee's online, she is kick ass. i love her. she's SO NICE TO ME. AND ALSO NOT TO MY FACE SHE IS NICE ABOUT ME. *takes deep breath*.
Princess
at 3:53 PM
i was thinking earlier. tomorrow's xmas eve. and it sucks.
my mom has to work her nightshift. it's going to be my first xmas playing mom. i'm going to be wrapping last minute presents, filling all the stockings, laying out all the gifts and in the morning, it won't even be a surprise. i don't like growing up before i have to. i know this is sort of a silly thing to be upset over, but i only have a couple more years being a kid. and i don't even really get to have them.
of course, i have work, too. babysitting for a service. so i won't even get to kiss her off to work. and i'm absolutely heartbroken, because when is she goign to sleep?!? and i don't want to have to be all stressed out over xmas. i want to play little girl, i want to be woken up by my brothers in the morning and prance down the stairs and take lots of pretty pictures and everyone to be up and happy and magical. but it's just not happening. and it's dumb, but i'm like way sad about it.
i guess i'm just tired of being mom to my brothers, to myself, to my own mom. i wish the holidays were still a sortof exception to the rule, but they aren't. and i feel a huge sense of loss. agh.
Princess
at 8:36 AM
and i also hate the way people badmouth me to make themselves feel better.
and this isn't all directed at you, if you read this, bob. i just can't believe everyone STILL HAS TO DRAG THIS SHIT OUT. it's ridiculous, and it's under you, especially.
Princess
at 8:30 AM
so it's 8 in the morning, i'm totally bored off my ass, and decide to recheck everyone's diaries because.. i can? anyway, reading all the zillion comments on bob's bloop from yesterday, clicking on everyone's little nameynames because.. i can? and yeah, so rose is on there, and i didn't realize it was her till i clicked on it and the first words i see are indiana and cody and i'm like... she'd probably die if she realized i was here. cept i clicked on cody because.. just wondering what her take on the whole situation was. and of course, it was just how she's in love with him and she doesn't think they'll ever go out. *no they will not, cody is mine. forever, or until i die or something. so pffff.* and lo and behold, bob commented at the bottom and THIS WAS IN IT.
" maybe
he'll open his eyes and see that his friends
are going to end up meaning more than a good
lay. granted they were friends for a long ass time,
he just doesn't see how she's changed him."
and you know what i find that to be? rather annoying. because i am so much more to him than a good fucking lay, dammit. we had sex like, 3 weeks ago, and it was something that honestly i don't think either of us EVER expected to happen. not that i'm complaining. i am a good fucking friend dammit, if i can be a good friend to her than i can to him too. and i have been. i treat him better than probably anyone else. and just because we're happy, just because he goes through his weirdness or whatever, everyone wants to tear ME and our ohsogreat relationship down. i don't even get it. and WHAT IS EVERYONE'S PROBLEM SAYING I CHANGED PEOPLE?!?!? it's like, just because someone changes or someone else is jealous of my relationship with that person, they point the finger at me. cody had his stage of weirdassness, he got over it, he's the same now. do these people honestly believe that i have THAT MUCH power over people that i can just look at them and be like.. CHANGE.. and they'll do it? if i could change people, my life would be a whole lot fucking better. i'd spend time changing people who needed to be changed, like my dad, or people who i care to change. cody has been beautiful the way he was since day one, there is no reason i'd ever want to change that.
i just hate the way that i feel like people want to act so different about me if it isn't to my face. like behind my back it's this congregation of repetitive.. tyler's nothing more than a good lay. and all she does is change people.
and quite frankly, that just really fucking annoys me. it was not my idea of a good morning.
so guess what i'm goign to go do? sit in my room and plot to change my boyfriend some more, and fuck him a few times in the process. because that's all i'm good for.
agh.
Princess
at 8:27 AM
ggglittersoresss: wow bob, i just had this huge depression thing and i was like, almost crying and then you signed on and i'm giggly and wiggly and happy
ggglittersoresss: you.. are my miracle in a box
drain x november: aww YaY
drain x november: fuck yes i am, dude. that's why i came from my mom's vagina. to make miss tyler happy.
ggglittersoresss: YAYAYAYYAYAY!!!
ggglittersoresss: *giggle*
drain x november: isn't that always good to hear? someone left a vagina. FOR YOU.
Princess
at 2:35 AM
i think right now, it would be nice to skin my arms. i crave that pain.
i hate being hung up on.
i want my cody. i want my jenn. i want to be happy. i want to be loved. i want to not want to hurt myself right now.
my mom and i were talking about acting, and about modeling, and she says "they don't want someone who hurts herself, they don't want someone with scars". and she's right.
i wouldn't want me, either.
Princess
at 2:29 AM
here, because bob's bloop asked me if i'd do it and i said sure. even though she might be the only one who replies, which is likely. TA DAAA!
1. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. how would you describe me in one word?
3. how long have you known me?
4. what do you like most about me?
5. what was your first impression of me?
6. what about now?
7. what do you think my weakness is?
8. do you think ill get married?
9. what makes me happy?
10. what makes me sad?
11. what reminds you of me?
12. if you could give me anything what would it be?
13. how well do you know me?
14. when is the last time we spoke?
15. did you ever want to tell me something but couldnt?
16. do you think i would kill someone?
17. what would you do if you saw me in person?
18. do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your diary and see what I say about you?
Princess
at 2:10 AM
i am ms. world, somebody kill me. kill me, pills. no one cares. my friends my friend. i'm miss world, watch me break and watch me burn. no one is listening.
*hole*.
Princess
at 5:13 AM
ooooooh. imagine!
Princess at 4:52 AM
you
are just as deep as your eyes always told me you were
and you
are so much more than you seem,
which is much.
you are so heavythick
in your presence,
a weight of which we all enjoy.
and when you speak
you impound your words in my head.
and when you write
your words dance around the room.
i could read you and read you and read you,
and always find something else i enjoy.
i could watch you and watch you and watch you,
let you watch me back
and blush with your understanding.
i love you, nikki.
Princess
at 4:07 AM
"Within its walls, Athens was crowded. THe city was filled with refugees from the countryside. Plague spread through the population. It started at the seaport of Piraeus and quickly spread to the main city. Thousands died. Their bodies were piled in the streets. Funeral pyres burned night and day. The greatest tragedy of all was that Pericles himself contracted the disease and died. His death created a leadership vacuum."
-on the peloponnesian war times, from my xtian homeschool program.
life has always been this devestating. and it will never end. how positive.
no wonder so many look to god.
Princess
at 2:18 AM
i am
bulemia in little girls, the way sweet darlings vomit up pearls
i am
open wounds in dolly arms, the way all their gashes ooze childlike charms
i am
the tiara on your teenage whore, the angles that sparkle up from the floor
i am
the blood spatter patterns lost, forgotten reds with shimmery gloss
i am
the come stains on your dress, colorless mystery i effervesce
i am
the sadist making you scream, drowning you in vanilla ice cream
i am
everything you'd never want, but all that you dream of-
the prettiest cunt.
Princess
at 1:21 AM
sometimes all i want is to love myself,
or better yet,
for you to love me
hardcore style.
Princess
at 12:50 AM
NO-
my words don't belong to YOU.
so get them out of your voice-
and put them back in mine.
Princess
at 11:29 PM
there are so many things on my mind right now
but none worth saying aloud.
i'd pay the price
(just a few dimes?)
to scream them in your face.
Princess
at 11:28 PM
and there is a place,
I want you to know.
There is a place i saved especially for you.
on the tips of my toes,
the heavy line of my lids.
the zzzz bubble of my pretty little head.
and and i know
you know
i can't as mysterious
or
graceful
as i want to be for you, sometimes.
but but i want you to know that
i don't give myself away
to ever guy i fuck,
i want you to know which part of me
i snapped off and and
presented to you.
the parts where you sit in me
when you aren't present.
save me away for yourself,
for me.
Princess
at 11:28 PM
midnight-
our special time when
the big hand meets the little hand
and we're holding hands
(my little in your big.)
the middle of the night
it's the middle of our time
and i'm wishing the sun would never come
and burn away our beautiful eve.
yours eyes meet mine-
'how'd you do?'-
and it's always the first time, for me
with you.
time stops, parts
and we sit in the middle
with your hands like my canvas
i'll pain you with mine.
your hands round my middle
in our meddling, this night.
you can paint me beautiful, and
i'll grow to even up.
Princess
at 11:21 PM
*sighs* so yeah, life is my best friend.
i had totally forgotten that large amounts of really, really good sex makes you a better person.
and have just realized that i totally have a sex god for a boyfriend. and yes, i just said boyfriend. *giggle*.
*faints*.
Princess
at 10:11 PM
Who Was...
1) Your first crush: zack from saved by the bell.
2) Your last crush: sarah. *giggles*. no, um cody i guess. hah.
3) The last person you hung out with: sarah, right now.
4) The last person you talked to: sarah, right now.
What Was...
5) The first car you drove: my driver's ed car.
6) The last place you went (outside your home): to pick up sarah.
Miscellaneous...
7) What are you most looking forward to? cody's coming over today.
9) Who are you "with" right now? sarah. and cody. and bobbi.
10) Who do you dislike the most? spiders. not my friends. and they are whos, not whats.
11) How old would you like to be when you get married? IF i ever get married, i'll do so spur-of-the moment, so god knows how old i'll be.
12) Where do you want to go to school? in chicago.
13) What do you want your profession to be? writer. artist. freelancer. lazybum. show usual.
14) How many kids do you want to have? i already said earlier...NONEVER.
15) Names of those children: helloidontexistbecausechildrenaretheshitstainonthetoiletseat.
16) Where do you want to live? chicago. and la with sarah. and as far away from indy as possible. with cody.
17) If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring (aside from food, clothing, and shelter)? sarah says tampons, but i think i'd leave my period at home. i would bring a laptop with internetness, lotsa music, and cody and haylee so i don't go nuts.
18 ) Would you ever kill someone? yeah, probably.
19) What is the worst movie you have ever seen? dreamcatcher. sarah says ragdoll 3.
20) Do you wear socks to your knees? when i feel like it, i guess.
21) Do you like roller coasters? OHYEAS.
22) Do you like to paint? so hard.
23) Do you wear a watch? nopeee. i don't believe in time.
24) Do you like applesauce? not really. sawah does.
25) Do you like cats? ooooh yupyupyup!
26) Do you like pizza? from certain places. specially from chicago. NOT chicagos.
27) How many times do you wash your hair a day? about .5 times on average.
28 ) Righty or Lefty? Right-HANDED.
29) Do you have a good sense of humor? exceptional, *giggles*.
30) What is one thing you CAN'T do? skydive.
31) Are you afraid of dying? nope.
32) Do you like where you live? i like my house, but not really the location. sarah pets her pig in her sleep.
33) If you could go out with any guy/girl who would it be? I DON'T GO OUT WITH PEOPLE.
~*~Start~*~
1.) What time is it?: 10:05am though i don't believe in time. in tyler time, it's too early to be up but she's up anyway and so is sarah.
2.) What's the date?: sarah says the 20th. i wouldn't know if it smacked me inthe face, like it just did.
3.) Are you siked about filling out this survey?: no, i'm bored.
~*~All About You~*~
4.) Full name: soon to be.. Bettie Lanee Tyler.
5.) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?: Bettie Lanee Tyler, as it will be.
6.) Age: 16.
7.) If you could be any other age, what age would you be?: sarah would be 17. i'd be 22.
8.) Height: 5'2" and three quarters.
9.) Weight: 122.5.
10.) Shoe Size: 7 and a half, sometimes.
11.) Hair Color: yucky brown streakified.
12.) Eye Color: bluegraygreen.
13.) Where do you live?: indianapolis.
14.) Do you like it there?: not really. no.
15.) Why/why not?: i want out. i want out of here, far away.
16.) What's one thing that makes you unique? EVERYTHING. and we have split ends.
17.) What are your best features? (on your face): haylee said my eyes glitter, and i was really impressed by that.
18.) Worst features?: my breath as of right now.
19.) What about your body are you most confident about?: um. my pretty shoulders and pretty ballet feet. and my vagina. and same for sarah, because it never lets her down.
20.) Most self-conscious about?: my yucky tummy, and my scars, and my ass, and my testciles.
~*~If Your Life Were a Movie...~*~
21.) What would it be called? ugh.
22.) Who would play you?: kirsten dunst, thinks sarah *or ray romano*. i think... it would be... someone multifaceted. maybe julia stiles or drew barrymore or something.
23.) Who would play your leading man?: brad pitt.
24.) Who would play your arch enemy?: sarah.
25.) Who would play your parents?: sarah says donatella versaci and enrique iglesias. i'm thinking, christy brinkely and michael jackson, hahaha.
26.) Any other characters?: winona ryder. she'd make a good me, actually. and angelina jolie. and audrey hepburn. and marilyn monroe. and bettie page. and edward norton. llalala.
27.) What would it be rated?: one time i took a quiz that told me that it would be NC-17.
28.) What kind of movie would it be? (ex: action, romance, comedy..): it would be one of those weird, twisted indie films.
~*~Favorite...~*~
29.) Hangouts: my car. my room.
30.) Websites: homestar. blogger. rocketdog.
31.) Movies: fight club, breakfast at tiffany's.
32.) Songs: so many. redcarpetandrebellion. so many from the *original* chik rawk mix. violet. bitch. covet.
33.) Sports: EW!
34.) Sports Teams: EW!
35.) Fashion Designers/Brands: EW!
36.) Stores: goodwill. antiques on the square. la france.
~*~LEAST Favorite...~*~
37.) Bands/Groups: poppunk biatches.
38.) Songs: anything from the above.
39.) TV Shows: rocketpower, KND, etc.
40.) Movies: ...uh, mindless movies.
41.) Sports Teams: EW!
42.) Foods: cASSarole. food is yucky.
~*~Family~*~
43.) Sibling: kris-5, brandon-14, katy-17, lisa-18, sarah-28?, joe-23.
44.) Parents: kelly butler.
45.) Are your parents divorced/married/re-married/in rehab?: they would be divorced, but i don't believe in my dad.
46.) Do you like your family?: some of them.
47.) Why/why not?: um, depends?
48.) What's the best things about your dad?: n/a.
49.) The worst?: EVERYTHING.
50.) What's the best things about your mom?: she tries so hard, it's great. she's like superwoman overacheiver. she has these great morals, and she's so devoted and loving. she's like, adorably all-american in that whole classic apple pie sense. she's SO FUNNY. and she's gorgeous, inside and out. she loves us with all her might.
51.) The worst? she can be really effing immature and irrational. she acts a lot like my sister, which is difficult. and she can be really really really closed minded.
~*~Do you...~*~
52.) Like your appearance?: sometimes.
53.) Like your personality?: not really.
54.) Think you're funny?: yeah.
55.) Have a lot of friends?: depends on what you mean by friends.
56.) Usually go out on Friday nights?: yeah.
57.) Believe in aliens?: i dunno.
58.) Believe in love at first sight?: NO.
59.) Believe in astrology?: yeah.
60.) Have a boy/girl friend? If so, who?: cody is my grrrlfriend. bobbi is my boyfriend. *giggle*.
~*~Friends~*~
61.) About how many friends do you have?: hah, i can't really count. you never know.
62.) Who's your best friend?: cody, hay.
63.) Who can make you smile, no matter what mood you are in?: any of my really close friends. bobbi is so freaking great at that, even if i'm like, bawling my eyes out. and hay and i laugh hardest when we're most miserable, it seems.
64.) Which person do you PRETEND to be friends with but secretly hate?: haha no one, i couldn't do that.
65.) Do any of your friends just piss you off?: pretty much everyone pisses me off in some way.
66.) Do you get sick of your friends easily?: i get sick of everything easily. but hilariously, bob and i had this conversation about how we don't drive eachother up walls like most other people do. which would only make sense to her. haha.
67.) Which friend do you secretly LOVE?: all of them, but not so secretly.
68.) If you could have 5 friends stranded on an island with you, who would you pick?: cody, hay, fruitball, bobbi, jenn, nikki, jenny, and both corys. so that's more than 5.
69.) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you are comfortable enough with to talk about almost anything? i talk about everything to everyone, haha. i guess i've pretty much told everytihng to cory, though.
~*~Love~*~
70.) Are you in love?: yes.
71.) If not, have you ever been in love?: yes.
72.) Have you ever wished it was more "socially acceptable" for a girl to ask a guy out?: no. i don't care at all.
73.) Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?: yupyupyup.
74.) Would you be willing to give up sex in exchange for an emotional commitment you knew would last?: maybe. not likely.
75.) What's more important, love or sex?: i wish i knew. love itself isn't important. it's who you love.
76.) Would you still carry out a relationship if your family absolutely hated the person you were dating? of course.
~*~Would you like to have...~*~
77.) A one-way ticket to Italy?: ooh yeah. it would be fun to just take off like that.
78.) An ice-cream sundae?: no.
79.) Aretha Franklin's attitude and her tell-you-off voice?: YES!
80.) A trip around the world with nothing but the clothes on your back?: no, i'd want clothes on my butt, too.
81.) Your brother/sister go away somewhere for a really long time?: uh, depends on which ones. two of my sisters live far away, and it kills me, and one of my sisters lives close, but i'd like to banish her to antarctica. and my brothers.. joe never comes around, and i like kris and brandon being close.
82.) The lyrics to "Muskrat Love" permanently deleted from your memory?: um, they already are?
83.) Your mother's legs?: her old ones, yes.
84.) John Cusack?: hahahhahahahahhaha. he reminds me of ferris bueller.
85.) An easy bake oven? YES!!!!!!!!!!! yummy.
~*~Have you ever..~*~
86.) Drank?: YES.
87.) Smoked?: not cigarettes, ew.
88.) Done drugs?: yup.
89.) Had sex?: YES.
90.) Grinded with a complete stranger?: yup.
91.) Danced around the house wearing nothing but a towel?: yeah, but usually i'm not wearing anything *giggle*.
92.) Told someone you loved them?: yeah.
93.) Needed to tell somebody something but were afraid you couldn't trust them?: mhm.
94.) Cut class?: only study hall..
95.) Got in a fight?: mhm.
96.) Felt suicidal?: every fucking day, sadly.
~*~Right Now~*~
97.) Listening to: *hole*.
98.) Watching: myself type.
99.) Wearing: magic green pants, green wet seal shirt, cody's nirvana shirt, cody's sexy jacket, a princess sock and a kitty sock, and my old chucks.
100.) Eating: a cough drop.
101.) Thinking: tyler needs a shower.
102.) Talking to: myself.
103.) Feeling: sick.
*~Past, Present & Future~*
104.) What is the craziest thing you've done in the past?: everything i do is crazy.
105.) If you could change one thing you have done in the last 24 hours, what would it be?: sleeping all day yesterday.
106.) If you could've been born at any point in time, when would you pick?: i unno.
107.) List all the places you've visited in the past: all kinds of places??
108.) Right now, what is your biggest regret? ever being with john.
109.) List some things you want to do before you turn 18: love myself? finish a book.
110.) Do you want to get married?: no.
111.) What age do you want to get married?: no.
112.) Who do you want to marry?: IF i was to marry, i think i'd marry cody *giggle*.
113.) How will he propose to you?: WITH A CRACKER JACK RING!!!!!!!!!
114.) What song will be played at your wedding?: no.
115.) How many guests will you have?: no.
116.) Do you want to have kids?: NEVER!
117.) If so, how many?: NO!
118.) What are you going to name your kids?: EW!
119.) If you found out you were going to die tomorrow, is there anything you would want to say or do?: tell everyone i love them, have really good sex, do heroin, spend time with cody, go to a show, skydive, cut my little heart out, eat and eat and eat, take some really pretty pictures, and a bunch of other stuff. maybe it would take more than a day, hah.
120.) What do you think would be the worst way to die? burning. your eyes pop.
121.) Best way to die?: i'm going to bleed myself to death in a bath tub, all hyped up on pills. yay!
122.) Write your own gravestone engraving: there's a poem that i want on it, i found it last year when i was writing my suicide letter. it's really pretty. it's called 'he giveth his beloved sleep'. ..yeah...
123.) What song will be played at your funeral?: i don't know, i have this all written out somewhere...
124.) Do you wish you could be alive when the world was ending, just to experience it?: no way.
125.) If you had the choice to either go BACK 100 years or go FORWARD 100 years, which would you choose?: back!! i'd love to be part of the suffrage movement!!!
I Wish...~*~
126.) I had... contentment.
127.) I didn't have... the flu.
128.) My life were more... satisfying.
129.) My life were less... sad.
130.) I could... get cody here sooner.
131.) My family... was more like family.
132.) My best friend... weren't so far away.
133.) My crush... would get his ass over here, haha.
~*~Random~*~
134.) If you could plan your own birthday party, and money was no object, what would you do?: um, something really fun???
135.) What was your most embarassing moment ever?: i don't get embarrassed often.
136.) If your house suddenly caught on fire and you could save 3 things, what would you save?: my memory boxes, my careby, my poetry.
137.) What would you throw into the fire?: probably myself.
138.) Is there something that you totally oppose? (Ex. Abortion, gays, biracial dating etc): bush. closed mindedness. smoking. lotsa stuff.
139.) If you got pregnant when you were really young, like 14, would you have an abortion?: maybe. right now, yeah.
140.) Who would you risk your life for?: my friends and family. i see other people as more important than me, so for most anyone.
141.) Have you ever owned a pair of pants that made you feel like you could do anything when you put them on?: no. i have dresses like that, though.
142.) What's your favorite inside joke?: haylee's ass dildos.
143.) How easy is it to make you laugh?: pretty damn easy.
144.) Do you laugh when you hear the number 69?: .."it's not that funny once you've done it..." HAHAHAH.
Princess
at 10:17 AM
*What is a word that can make any amusing sentence more amusing? the phrase "in bed."
*Does the question “Which is more important: looks or personality?” annoy you? YES AND THREE QUARTERS. because you know everyone's going to lie about it. i think it's too limiting.
*Who let the dogs out? rockets.
*Have you ever eaten a bug intentionally? EWWW!
*Are you a sexy beast? on my favorite notebook, there is this piece of nbook paper stuck to the front of my collage that joel wrote and it says *tyler is a sexy beast*. so i guess so.
*Have you ever coveted your neighbor’s wife? dude, my neighbors are WEIRD.
*If you could travel to any time period, when would it be? any, all. i don't belong in this period, it's hilariously obvious. i think i'd like to be a burlesque dancer in the 50's, that would be so way fun.
*Does disco live? in some people's minds, i guess.
*Are there any English words that you despise more than Satan in all his sinister glory? *cept that i too love satan for someday he will be my crazy underworld lover haha* yeah.. "panties" and "cooter". there are others, but i'm cringeing enough already.
*Are you a good dancer? i sure hope so.
*What are your favorite words to use in conversation? rocketdog.
*What is the most amusing name you have ever come across in a telephone directory? "phllip sacks". cory and i pranked that one pretty hard.
*Drugs - are you into that sort of thing? sometimes.
*How do you feel about garden gnomes? psychos. get them outta me!
*Do you remember the eighties? sadly, yes.
*Avril Lavigne - is she a poser or a goddess? YUCKYUCKYCYCKYUCK.
*Do you readily recognize the word "triskaidekaphobia"? um, it's a phobia of.. triskaidekas?
*Were you an abnormally fat child? acutally, i was pretty skinny.
*What would you say if I told you I was in love with your sister? depends on which one.
*What about your cousin? depends, again.
*If you could give yourself a makeover, what would you do? i'd dye my hair.
*Have you ever smoked peanut shells? no but samm smoked cat nip!!
*What color lipstick do you usually wear? i wear red lip stain.
*Orange Juice or apple? orange juice!!
*Favorite font? VAG rounded MT bold.
*Favorite type chocolate bar? ..eww..
*Sprite or 7-up? sprite!
*Ever throw up in public? yeah, last year i threw up right as the bell rang all over my locker and myself and the floor and other people's lockers. and in 2nd grade i threw up because they made me stand up in front of my class during a washyerdirtyhands lecture and hold something up but i was sick.. and i threw up all over the demonstration.. haha.
*Do you believe in love at first sight? no, that is called LUST.
*How many kids do you want? NONE NONE EVER EVER.
*What's your favorite restaurant? ...taco bell?
*Where were your parents born? indianapolis, of course, ugh.
Princess
at 9:54 AM
Name Four Bad Habits You Have:
1. self injury.
2. disorganization.
3. overly opinionatedness.
4. being generally obnoxious.
Name Four Things You Say The Most:
1. like, totally.
2. ohmygod.
3. and three quarters.
4. that is the dumbest *or insert other all-inclusive term here* thing alive.
Name Four Things That You Wish You Had:
1. more access to cody.
2. a sense of company.
3. motivation.
4. contentment.
Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now:
1. cody.
2. nikki.
3. i am really, really dirty.
4. my tongue hurts.
Name 4 Songs You've Listened To In The Past 24 Hours:
1. *doll parts*
2. and *violet* by hole.
3. *transylvanian concubines remix* by rasputina.
4. *red carpet and rebellion* by the distillers.
Name 4 Of Your Favorite Bands:
1. jack off jill.
2. the lunachicks.
3. bikini kill.
4. hole.
Name Four Things That You Have Done Today:
1. tossed and turned in bed.
2. took 2 ridiculous tests.
3. went through everything on livejournal.
4. tired to concentrate. and failed.
Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
1. gas.
2. taco bell.
3. the most offensive thing i've ever tasted, thanks to orange julius.
4. and breadsticks that went with it.
Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
1. apple juice.
2. hot chocolate.
3. one of my favorite sodas *i always have at least one kind*.
4. orange juice.
Princess
at 9:19 AM
Seventh Level of Hell
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.
*
i'm going to hellllllllllllllll, i'm going to helllllllllllllllllllll.
*giggles*.
Princess
at 8:24 AM
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Very Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Very High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Moderate |
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Princess at 8:24 AM
i just wrote this really big long post that ran away. shoot me with sticks.
Princess
at 8:17 AM
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Very High |
| Antisocial: | High |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | Very High |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Princess at 8:01 AM
ricci is staying over. she's asleep downstairs on the back couch. she fell asleep around maybe 2 watching seven with me. i love that movie. i threw up most of a pringles can. which means i'm not very happy with myself. but i don't know, i'm skinnier than her now for the first time ever, and i guess after i ate those things i started remembering how she called 135 chubby, and just freaked out because i don't ever want to feel fat or fit anyone's definition of chubby ever again. even though i know that 135 being chubby is a little absurd. it's that whole *what my better judgement knows vs. what i believe anyway because i'm an idiot* thing. aggggh.
anyway, we had fun earlier playing with makeup, dressup, and cameras. took all kinds of cute bettie page and babydoll looking pictures. woohoo.
i stole this from le bobbetta evans's bloop. guess there's no better time to do it than the boring present 6:11 in the morning, right?
k heres the deal.
1.) paste this shit in your diary. and dont be lazy
2.) everything thats the same for you as for me. or if you agree with my answer, bold it.
3.) everything you dont agree with, change it to something about yourself.
01. i love starry things.
02. i love lightning but HATE thunder.
03. i am not colorblind.
04. hot sparkly pink is the coolest color ever.
05. i have seen snow before.
06. i chew on my nails but don't bite them off.
07. i never wear anything at the right time.
08. i tell people i am a virgin. they usually laugh in my face.
09. i'm afraid of spiders and the dark.
10. i detest feet.
11. i love captain planet.
12. i resent self-image right now.
13. i think pineapple soda tastes good.
14. i love reading.
15. aloneness makes me sad.
16. i have burnette streaked hair.
17. i love double decker taco supremes without meat.
18. i LOVE to write.
19. i love mismatched patterned socks.
20. i like getting surprise calls on my birthday *thanx stewart and fruitball*.
21. i love sparkles!
22. im addicted to aim.
23. i like giving things to other people.
24. i think guys have it easier, sadly.
25. i have never seen super troopers.
26. my name is tyler. but that's princess bettie to you.
27. i love tropical weather but HATE being sweaty.
28. im good at keeping secrets about other people, but not about myself.
29. i get jealous rarely if ever.
30. i can't stand being annoyed.
31. i've never had a crush on a teacher.
32. i trust people much too easily.
33. i hate indy radio *chicago/sl radio, however..*
34. i hate this town.
35. i am petrified of loneliness.
36. i think primetime tv is overrated.
37. i like going to parties and seeing old friends.
38. i like candle light.
39. i try to be a good listener.
40. i appreciate music a LOT.
41 my dad's in wisconsin, i think. ass.
42. i like movies that remind me of myself, or that portray new and twisted perspectives.
43. i want a ball python, an aligator, and a kitty.
44. fucking kangaroos.
45. i can freestyle... dance, not rap. *peanut butter jelly!*
46. i think stereotypes are ridiculous and three quarters.
47. my turtles ran away.
48. i'm really weird.
49. i LOVE thrift stores.
50. i've never been to europe.
51. i hate the word 'panties.' but i love panties themselves.
52. i like all animals but do NOT like all insects.
53. i like aligators.
54. i only like chinese food from china garden.
55. i'm sixteen and am in love with my car, delilah.
56. i like to shop.
57. i hate fake people.
58. my room is the messiest place alive.
59. i get really hot or really cold too easily.
60. i like people with a good sense of humor.
61. often, i hate my life.
62. i refurbish barbie dolls.
63. i pluck my hairs.
64. i hate winter.
65. i love ice pops.
66. i have an innie bellybutton.
67. i'm attracted to guys that have a good sense of humor.
68. i hate geometry and science. la la la.
69. i get along well with exboyfriends. most of the time.
70. i love giving inspired, spur-of-the-moment speeches in front of a lot of people.
71. i want to move to chicago or disneyworld.
72. my dad tried to kill my mom and me. and my baby brother.
73. i'm totally in love with the number two and forty-one.
74. ive been cheated on.
75. my ex best friend is marrying someone who hates me.
76. i really like getting my hair cut.
77. i wear shoelaces on everything but my shoes, most the time. and they're really cool.
78. i am pretty well-tempered if i feel like being that way.
79. i hate talking on the phone.
80. i despise it when people dont spell words out (ex: u instead of you).
81. i would NEVER EVER EVER smoke a dirty cigarette.
82. it makes me laugh loud and hard when people are silly.
83. my real life friends are mostly awesome.
84. i love my diary.
85. i am always very stubborn.
86. i HATEHATEHATE having the hiccups, dude.
87. i have too many worries.
88. i like sunrises.
89. i like bubbles!
90. i hate family functions.
91. I love sleep...yet i'm an insomniac. ha.
92. i don't usually shower, but i like showering when i get around to it.
93. i like the kind of toothpaste in those newfangled snappy lid bottles.
94. i would like to be considered one of the guys, though it never seems to happen.
95. i'm extremely paranoid.
96. i'm not lazy, but if i lack motivation i won't do it.
97. i love potato, lentil, and bean soup when my momma makes it.
98. i have a ridiculously wide array of personality disorders. put me on a plate and call me a psycho buffet. *giggles*.
99. i need a hug, all the time.
100. i LOVE glittery markers, and glitter glue, and just..glitter.
**thanx again to bobbi for wasting her time on that so that i could steal it and have something to do for twenty minutes.**
love.
Princess
at 6:38 AM
i just weighed myself. with my shoes and all my heavy winter clothes on. i'm 122. i thought i felt lighter. hm.
i wrote a bunch last night, and found some old stuff, too.
*
Now
in quiet morning
(silent night)
it's one of those moments where
you just want someone to
love you
but you don't know how to ask.
*
Maybe my mind is that of a child.
and
Maybe my body is that of an adult.
But my heart is ageless,
and my soul is timeless.
*
Just because you're pitiful
doesn't mean
I'm storing away any pity for you.
But you wait
like on some particular rainy day
my conscience will get the best of me
and it'll be there,
in a shiny little box
witha bow
just waiting for me
to present it to you-
so many "sorry!"s for your sorry ass.
But it will NEVER rain that hard,
not if hell froze.
and I'll give you your minute
of 'suffering silence'
before you come crawling back to me
on pushup hands and knees
breathless,
arms shaking
the way you came in me before.
You expect so much 'maturity' from MY PAIN, martyrdom.
Well, I'm NOT ashamed
for fucking up
I'm not ashamed
for fucking you
and my only regret is
not truly
fucking you over.
*
alone but not lonely
i thrive here in my world.
just me and all my poems
sitting in our ringaroundtherosie circle,
i'm the one who lost.
none of them making sense,
clash and contradict
like so many puzzle pieces
from the wrong puzzles.
no composition/composure here.
they sing to me the infant death song,
more contrast in
words of perversion and
style of a child.
perv.
*
all done for now. i should get working on my schoolwork. maybe i can get it all done before i go. yeah, i'm going to school. if no one is there, i'm never going again. agh. i have to go out and get some damn cough drops, anyway. my throat is KILLING me.
it snowed all over the place last night. it's still snowing. i hate this. HATE this. mom doesn't want me to drive at all. but i can't be trapped in here for any longer than i have to be, i get so stir crazy in here. thank goddess i found so many of my cds.. now i feel like i have at least some escape. music and literature; that's all i need, i guess. right? right.
welp, off to finish all my school so i don't have any more till the new year. woo!
Princess
at 12:52 PM
comp froze yesterday, couldn't write. twas driving me insane. even though i didn't REALLY have anything to say.
*ahem*. anyway. go to this link. http://www.afa.net/petitions/marriagepoll.asp
it's supossedly being used in congress as the popular opinion on same sex marriage. HOWEVER. it currently stands at 82% against gay/lesbian union. and we all know that is not cool. so, my children, VOTE AND VOTE NOW. and send it to everyone you know, making them send it to everyone they know, because THIS IS AMERICA AND WE HAVE ARE THE LAND OF THE FREE. so let us exercise that freedom. in our bedrooms, on the web. thank you.
my stomach hurts badly. i hate being sick.
last night, my fair lady was on AMC. i mean this morning. i was so happy. audrey hepburn is my best friend. and i watched the smokers..except i don't htink that's ever been on tv. and it is hot. and i love it.
cody owes me a two page letter.
we're goingt o pick up le hay in a few minutes. wooohooooo!
Princess
at 4:08 PM