sometimes i give myself this false impression that i'm a writer.
or that i'm poetic.
jeesh.
Princess at 12:42 PM
my inbox is polluted with email for singles to find dates. to find romance and love and comittment.
and i'm thinking...
what is with this? why does everyone feel the need to get married and be forever bound to one other person regardless of what they do?
and maybe it's easier to marry now, knowing that you can divorce so easily at the drop of a hat. not that that's such a bad thing, as my mom would be dead if not for divorce, probably. but.. it's too prevalent. there's something wrong, something going down that needs to stop. what is it?
and why?
why is it that i'm sixteen years old, receiving tons of clutter daily on how to get with someone and waste my life?
there is an easy answer to everything.
there are more divorces because there are more people.
same with crime.
easy, simple.
but what i want to know is.. after thousands if not millions of years "progressing" as a society, why is it that we're still so infested with crime, with soaring and festering insecurity, with no culture and generally bad taste?
mary and i had a long- very long- discussion about similar topics last night.
and i'm still theorizing as to whether i think our government is a group of generally good people making generally good choices for the population
or
a binding, cold, and slimy network of assholes oppressing us.
or if it's a little of both.
Princess
at 12:39 PM
this is my confessional, harboring some of the deepest darkest things i could ever admit.
and i'm glad i'm at the point where i don't give a fuck that it's open to anyone.
kim came today to teach me linoleum carving. it was fun, really.
the tools are little slicers.
i didn't really cut.
my nose is cold. i need love.
really.
really.
really.
love me.
Princess
at 2:31 AM
binge and purge.
it felt so good.
it wasn't about being fat this time.
it was about feeling self destructive and not wanting a tetnis (spelled wrong i'm sure) shot.
Princess
at 7:44 PM
i didn't write anything about this when i should have, so i'll go ahead and do it now since i just remembered.
it was last friday, when i was at monica's. i was on my way to being quite drunk, but definitely not um, with it anymore. i was running around with my pants unbuttoned and a little tshirt on. i walked upstairs in front of a mirror, caught my reflection, and stopped. my jaw dropped open, and there i was gawking. it just hit me.
i'm skinny.
all the sudden, i yell for monica. MONICA! DID YOU KNOW I WAS SKINNY?!?! LOOK AT ME, I'M A STICK! she laughs. and i just keep standing there, looking at my stomach. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY IN THE WORLD DO I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER? I'M FREAKING SKINNY, DUDE! LOOK AT THIS! WHY ISN'T THIS WHAT I SEE WHEN I'M SOBER? she laughs again.
i stood there for maybe a half hour looking at myself, trying to burn that image into my head. i'm skinny, i'm skinny, i'm a tiny little stick. i wanted to remember how skinny i was for the next day, for after that night was over. i had no idea i was so thin-looking. i told christian i was so skinny online. EVERYONE'S PRETTIER WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK, i said. BUT I REALLY THINK THAT'S NOT WHAT'S GOING ON.
today (well, even a few minutes ago), i spent my usual time in front of the mirror studying myself. 128 pound me staring back at an obese girl. i told myself i was fat, i told myself to lose weight. and then i remembered the other night.
i think maybe i was the first drunk girl ever to have a real revelation.
heh.
Princess
at 5:04 AM
Skatrtuc1: IF U COULD DO ANYTHING RITE NOW WHAT WOULD U DO?
ggglittersoresss: pierce myself.
ggglittersoresss: and then go to a show.
ggglittersoresss: in a skirt i made myself.
Skatrtuc1: LOL
ggglittersoresss: and makeout.
Skatrtuc1: WITH WHO?
ggglittersoresss: someone with a tongue piercing.
Skatrtuc1: THATS COOL
ggglittersoresss: on a rollercoaster.
Skatrtuc1: HAHAHA
ggglittersoresss: in a corset.
ggglittersoresss: while it's raining glitter.
Skatrtuc1: NOW UR ANA AMZING GRL CUZ I ASK EVEONE ELSE
Skatrtuc1: AND THERE LIKE IDK
ggglittersoresss: haha, thanks
ggglittersoresss: man, that sounds like fun.
Princess
at 11:16 PM
hnrstrwbRRy 32: this is like trying to get a brick wall to do jumping jacks.
Princess
at 9:34 PM
i just sit around and cry.
sometimes, i want to hide how miserable i am, becuase i don't like the way it makes him feel about himself.
but it...
god.
i cna't do anything but sit around and cry.
Princess
at 9:08 PM
ggglittersoresss: DON'T EAT ANY YELLOW SNOW
hnrstrwbRRy 32: i hear that from my dad every day
hnrstrwbRRy 32: but thanks for the advice
hnrstrwbRRy 32: i'll jot that down.
Princess
at 6:17 PM
i'm so upset.
i want to just cut the fuck out of myself.
really bad.
and that's all i needed to say.
Princess
at 4:57 PM
rainbowraynedrop: what gave you the idea for a porn party any way??
ggglittersoresss: porn is cool. parties are cool. my friends who usually come over for movie nights anyway who also like porn is cool. and the fact that on movie nights we usually end up looking for porn anyway just sort of led us to that idea.
Princess
at 12:48 PM
i use 'and', 'well', 'sort of', & 'but' wayyyyyyyy too often.
Princess
at 11:17 AM
it's the feeling of new mail in the inbox,
some sort of rare specialization
that comes only on days when the sun is a little brighter
than usual,
or else it's more cloudy.
the shiny and new concept-
it never gets old.
and we're virgins to
every new experience, and there is never
that loss
we anticipate in giving ourselves away.
because i'm mine, and no one can take me
from me.
and i can't give it, either.
but i can feel it again and again,
every time i open that new mail,
or letter or comment.
*
scarlet starlet
don't let your scars
engulf you.
*
kim isn't coming today. maybe tomorrow, if it's any better.
i have an assload of schoolwork to do.
and i need to start organizing my poetry again.
tasha slept with me all night last night.
and i'm developing my getaway plans.
i just need a little more money before i go, and to make a few decisions.
it's better than suicide.
Princess
at 11:16 AM
tasha is the coolest dog. she's calming prissy down already. they both came and went to sleep with me last night, and it was so cool. neither of them ate any of my stuff.
robert died the other day. his cage is sitting outside, next to the house. and i'm grossed out because...it's been snowing. frozen guinea pig, anyone?
i need to find a new job.
kim is coming over tomorrow, wheather permitting. otherwise... it'll be a day of catching up in school, i guess.
cody came over today for like, two hours. i cried. but i was on promethazyne. so i have an excuse.
um. i had mc donalds twice today, and once yesterday. i feel like a gluttonous corporate sellout. heh.
i found this thing on how to run away. it kinda cracked me up, but really it had some good ideas. cody was like.. we can go on thursday. and maybe we're serious. i don't even know.
he's moving on valentine's day. how crushing.
and of course, i'm dreading st. patrick's day. day i lost jenn. i'm terrified of holidays anymore. they all have some traumatic undertone.
fucking holidays.
i'll make my own.
i should've just gone to a show yesterday.
maybe tomorrow, while she's sleeping, i'll dye my hair pink.
yeah, i think that's a good idea.
or right now.
that's a better one.
i'm also contemplaing a mohawk. just because. why not?
oh yeah. because i like pigtails.
well, pink won't stop the pigtails. so it's pinkin time.
love.
Princess
at 12:26 AM
there are times when i want to grab
shake you
and rattle some sense in
your skin.
there are times when i want to grab
hold you
and whisper the way i know.
cut off those lie sleeves
and expose the truth,
naked in abrasive beauty.
there are times when i want to grab
steal you
and make it all just fade away.
Princess
at 5:07 PM
the friday night run by,
i lay on your stomach like a dog.
it's a limited time
and a tight schedule,
neither of which i believe in.
i like the way you cuddle with me.
and i reached up to grab your hand,
busy with something like food,
but you know, your hair is better, anyway.
the sweetest thing, sometimes,
is the time i spend in your arms.
or on your stomach.
Princess
at 5:02 PM
limbs run across eachother wrapidly
spines entertwine,
hold your hand deep in mine.
eyes burn a poetic lie into my skin,
but i brand willingly-
you can touch anytime.
Princess
at 4:59 PM
so i went to this place to find out how holy my blog is.
it values up all these phrases and whatnot, and lists the 'most valuable' at the bottom. these are some of my favorites.
Value of phrase "premarital sex does not begin when you take your panties off." 5299 5299=7x757
Value of phrase "i want to bang my head on the wall for hours, and be ok with the blood stains i leave." 5574 5+5+7+4=21=7x3
Value of phrase "fuck." 329 329=7x47 3+2+9=14=7x2
Value of phrase "i joes?" 184 1+8+4=13
Value of phrase "and yes, i am officially in love with 'cunt dracula'!" 4017 4017=13x309
Value of phrase "maybe even cut the hair off all my dolls." 3129 3129=7x447
Value of phrase "just because you can't fucking appreciate the beauty she manages to radiate in her pain doesn't mean it's ok to make her feel like that beauty isn't there." 9516 9+5+1+6=21=7x3 9516=13x732
Value of phrase "you asshole." 1364 1+3+6+4=14=7x2
Value of phrase "even if i'm not wearing underwear." 2541 2541=7x363
Value of phrase "i think i scratched his back up." 1232 1232=7x176
Value of phrase "posted by: bettie / 4:55 am i think i like you better when you're naked and vulnerable." 6744 6+7+4+4=21=7x3
Value of phrase "you." 1060 1+0+6+0=7
Value of phrase "sissymoshing." 1283 1+2+8+3=14=7x2
Value of word "cunts" 653 6+5+3=14=7x2
Value of word "strip" 469 469=7x67
Princess
at 4:19 AM
we,
we buy toilet paper in bulk, because if it comes in bulk and still manages to sell..
you know it's the kind that's worth buying.
Princess
at 2:00 AM
and her name is tasha yar.
she just sneezed.
Princess
at 1:52 AM
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT.
nice to have that out of my system.
everything has been nothing but reduction.
weight reduction, yeah i'm reduced to eating half a 'sack' of onion chips from dirty white castle a day and thinking i'm gluttonous. weight reduction in shedding pound after pound, stomachfull after stomachfull.
reducing self respect, i'm so belittled and desperate for love or affection or a hug or a hello i'm fucking groveling on everything that's wrong with me, try to improve enough for some fucking.. something.
plunging cleanliness. enough said.
no discipline. forget scheduling, forget doing your schoolwork on time or doing it at all, or cleaning when you promised you would or getting out of bed at all. forget how you swore to fucking eat today, or how you swore to not. forget what your dog needs, or what you need, or what anyone needs. can't do it.
reduced emotions. bland happiness, mute depression. sort of just grazing along in my little lethargic world.
displays of affection: absent. no phone calls from my fucking boyfriend. no nothing. not even a kiss, last time i saw him. or a direct statement. besides 'i never should've written you at all'.
i want to bang my head on the wall for hours, and be ok with the blood stains i leave. or to paint a new mural in my own scarlet weep. somewhere inconspicuous but huge, where i can absorb myself and just revel but no one can interrupt it. i want to fucking feel like he cares for more than one day a week. i want to feel appreciated just a little bit, even. i want to feel like i really want a bunch of people over this weekend. i want to feel compelled to do something that isn't totally stupid. motivated. i want to feel anything from a spectrum of feelings that belongs to almost anyone else but me.
fuck.
Princess
at 1:51 AM
ggglittersoresss: i love you so hard
Fu9: i also love you with great hardness.
Princess
at 4:22 PM
**as a kid.**
1. What did you wish your name was?
kelly. like my mom. it was so cool, because my mom told me i could change my name if i wanted to. but i really wanted to be tori, too, because they were going to name me victoria and i thought that was so way cooler than getting made fun of for having a boy name.
2. Did you have an imaginary friend?
no, i thought that was really stupid. but i had voices in my head, and i talked to ghosts as a kid. and haha bobbi, i believe you.
3. If yes, what was his/her name?
they didn't have names, i was weirded out by them hardcore. i thought one was steve erkel.
4. Did you want to get married?
hell yeah i did. i wanted to be like my mom.]
oh! but i DID get married when i was one to this kid down the street named derek. the whole neighborhood attended, and i dressed up and had bridesmaids and everything. someone even played the keyboard. we got married on the sidewalk at the corner, mind you, haha.
5. How many kids
did you want to have?
two. i wanted a girl and a boy.
6. What did you want
their names to be?
i had all kinds of names picked out. weird ones, mostly. i'm a sucker for weird names.
7. What kind of a perfect
life did you want to live?
as a famous actress/singer. married to zach from saved by the bell. with a lot of money. far away from indiana.
8. What kind of house
did you want to live in?
a big fat mansion, dude. and i wanted maids. in beverly hills, 90210, of course.
9. Did you play with
dolls or army toys?
both. i liked my brother's toys so hard, but i liked to push dolls around in strollers. and there were these dolls that came with a birth certificate and everything.. they were so cool.
10. What was your most
favorite toys' name?
my bedtime carebear, i called it careby.
11. Who was your childhood hero?
madonna. haha.
my mom. i was so all about how cool she was, dude. i still am.
and clarissa.
12. What was your
favorite article of clothing?
i used to wear crazy outfits, and i really liked leggings under skirts. i had leggings in EVERY color and pattern, dude. and i'd wear five pairs of neon socks scrunched over eachother, too. haha.
13. Who did you want to
be like when you grew up?
my mom. except rich and glamourous and sexier. like my mom and jessica rabbit.
14. Who were some
of your best friends?
paige, allyson, the khailey crew, mimi, grey, ashley, damon, derek, amanda, cassie
5. How old were you when
you learned to ride a bike?
i have no idea. six, maybe?
16. How did you feel?
accomplished. i taught myself.
17. What was your favorite food?
balogna and cheese, mac and cheese, brussel sprouts, apple juice, etc etc.
18. Who was your favorite baby-sitter?
heather. she was SOOOOO COOL. she taught me how to dance, she took us to the movies, she let me hang out with her at her house and with her friends, and man, she was just all around the coolest thing ever.
19. What did you think it
would be like to drive a car?
i had nightmares about it, dude. i still do, actually.
20. Did you ever own anything that had to do with
My little ponies, Rainbow Brite or G.I Joes?
HOLY FUCK YEAH. i still have my ponies, dude.
21. Did you play with
Barbie and Ken dolls?
yeah, barbie was awesome. i used to make the barbies be lesbians, though. ow-ow!
22. Did you play with baby dolls?
i just liked pushing them around in strollers.
23. Did you ever have one
of those play kitchens?
those were so cool. i had one that i kept in the kitchen, and i played on it when my mom was cooking and stuff, haha.
24. Did you ever own a Cozy Coupe?
....uhhhhhhhh, what is that?
25. Do you remember shows like,
Ducktales, Tale Spin, Gummi
Bears or Lunch Box?
YES! i was just talking about the gummi bears to mky mom the other day. i had a tale spin coloring book and sega game, and a ducktales movie.
26. Did you ever own a power wheels car?
YES! i had this jeep that i got for like, my third or fourth birthday. it was tan and camo, dude.
27. Did you ever watch
the show "Puff the Magic Dragon?"
are you a pothead, focker?
28. Who was your favorite pet?
my turtle, Turle Mae. she was the shit and three quarters. but she ran away.
29. Did you ever believe in
Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny?
yeah, but not for long. i told my mom when i was like 2 that there had to be a santa because there was no way we could afford all those presents. come to find out my mom was selling my toys to buy new ones (i kept wondering where they went, haha). i found out they were fake in kindergarten.
30. If yes, who did you think the santas
and easter bunnies at the mall were?
my mom told me they were helpers. and i believed her, because one time at the county line mall, there was a black woman santa.. and there was no way she was the real thing, haha.
31. How did you feel when
you learned how to tie
your shoe finally?
i still can't tie my shoes. kris just learned, and my mom bought him a ribbon that says "i can tie my shoes!" she promised to buy me one when i learn. hahaha.
32. Did you ever have
one of those slap-on
wristbands?
i still have them, too.
33. Did you ever wear
stick-on earings?
yeah, even though they were kinda pointless because i got my ears pierced before i was even 1 and got them double pierced on my 6th birthday. i wore them on my face a lot, though. and of course, i still do. ha.
34. Write down one specific
memory that you have
never forgotten of your childhood:
i remember the police being at my house a lot, dealing with the stupid abuse stuffs.
my friends and i thought it was really cool that the cops were there.
i remember coming home one night from target with my mom and listening to the messages, and my dad screaming that he had a gun and was going to kill us on the message. and then i think it was that night... my mom was on the phone with my aunt, and he cut the phone cord so we couldn't call. and so my aunt called the cops to come to our house, and after they left, my dad flooded my mom's car with the hose. and i remember getting a drink of water, and standing out the back window, knowing he was looking back at me.
i still have nightmares about being caught and murdered in that house.
and up until the day i moved out, i refused to go by the back windows at night.
heh.
Princess
at 10:08 PM
i just want to make everyone mad.
my hair feels thick today, i like it.
new copy of *bitch* zine. oooooooooh.
i'm sleepy.
i only ate one meal today, good girl. *pats self on head*. i look skinny, too.
i wish i could write. cody gave me writer's block. he deserves to be beaten up?
mmmmmmmm night night.
Princess
at 4:09 AM
vomit.
if you see me, if you see me, if you see me, just go away.
baby, it's all wrong.
Princess
at 9:33 AM
http://members.lycos.co.uk/mathunt/dissertation.html
CUNT DRACULA.
ARMY SERVICE CUNTS.
CUNTS IN VELVET.
CUNT STABBER.
CUNTWEEP.
guess what they mean?!
and yes, i am officially in love with 'cunt dracula'! yay for my new obsession!!!!!!!!!!!
Princess
at 3:25 AM
oh, don't worry-
i just wanna fuck with you.
Princess
at 3:09 AM
this force, so great
i could mutilate myself with the power of...
my dad
and i could kick your ass with the power of...
me?
and i want to break things and ruin things
like a one grrrl riot
and... maybe even cut the hair off all my dolls.
and this is my poor, pathetic attempt
at being violent to express my feelings.
this is my sad, uneffective attempt
at rage, and power in my anger.
i'm too quiet to scream,
or too passive to mean it.
i'll stand up, up to and in your face
but when it all comes down, in the end,
i only wished i could be that assertive for real.
i'm waiting for someone to call me, or waiting for anyone to care.
it's not happening.
Princess
at 3:28 PM
"you're such a little girl!"
she exclaims to me, as if i wasn't in denial of the fact.
i look the other way, and down to the floor.
maybe i am.
but no, no wait
i'm not.
yes i am. i can't kid myself, even.
it's always the same, the same for me. i'm too old, i'm too young. she's so cute, she's so picturesque, she's so adorable. she's such a bitch, she's not THAT cute, she's so fucking self-centered.
"yeah, she hates you."
yeah, so does everyone. once it comes down to it, anyway.
let me tell you all a story about the way my life works, paraphrased from something bobbi
said about me.
after my great job at making first impressions, you'll be absolutely enamored with me for.. two months. and then, for two more months, you'll hate me with a passion and refuse to talk to me. and then, you find yourself missing me terribly, and end up craving my touch and meatless tacos. and then the cycle repeats.
it was the fist time i heard it out of someone's mouth
who mattered, anyway.
and it was true.
everyone hates me.
at least at some point.
as much as i hate mediocrity, i find myself wondering if maybe, in small to moderate doses, it would do me some good.
and then, there was that coment.
the one about trying to act afflicted.
i wanted to cry.
and down my throat, i felt those tears. even if they were defying gravity.
and i ate today. more than yesterday. but i did it for momma.
her jon is an ass. and so, the curse of the moniker is not exclusive to those spelled "john". he broke up with her today, for she has too many mood swings. and i wanted to give him everything that was wrong with her, i wanted to throw it through that goddamn screen and scream at him...YOU FUCKER, TAKE THIS, AND TELL ME THE WAY YOU FEEL EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY AND WHETHER OR NOT IT WAIVERS. JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING APPRECIATE THE BEAUTY SHE MANAGES TO RADIATE IN HER PAIN DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OK TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE THAT BEAUTY ISN'T THERE. YOU ASSHOLE.
i was unhappy with it, with him.
and i anted her to feel how much i knew it would be better without him. and maybe i helped, at least that's what i hope.
she got me an application for steaknshake. i promised myself i wouldn't ever work in food serivces, but maybe i'll do it anyway. i was never that good at keeping promises to myself. and where else am i going to get a job?
i'm going to write everything out tonight, my plans and my thoughts and my goals. if i don't fall asleep first.
i hope he calls tomorrow. he'll probably forget.
i just have to keep reminding myself...
HE LOVES ME.
Princess
at 11:56 PM
129.5.
today's goal is to eat less than yesterday.
and make myself drink..eeewwww..water.
Princess
at 3:48 PM
oh yeah. and bobbi, i told him his project for the week was to shave his pubes.
HAHAHAHHAHAA.
Princess
at 3:10 AM
dripdripdrip.
you know, you know i really think this time every little thing matters, and i'm not just making it up. you know, you know i really think that you and i are all that matters and everyone else can piss off. you know, you know i really think that only you matter and maybe this is the last time. you know, it never has to be the last time. you know, there never has to be an end.
it was the nudity night. and.. i am happy.
he said to me, "i thought homeschool would be the end of us. so if we can make it through that, we can make it through danville." and i really hope he's right. i know i can make it, i know. even if it means i only get to see him once a week. because i'm really in love with him, that's why. and i don't want this to be over, i don't want to give it up. not now, not ever.
i'm ready for this to be my last relationship, heh.
which means it doesn't get to end yet.
and he kissed me. and i swear, every week it's like a little more progression, ha. every single time he kisses me, i get so excited in my little girlishness. even if i'm not wearing underwear. haha.
we ..argued?.. just before he left, and that wasn't how i wanted the night to be. i cried. he hit me with the cup, so i gleeked in his face, and then he spit water all over me, so i locked myself in the bathroom, and then he came in and i was all hiding and he was like.. did you throw up? because well, i'm always throwing up. and i was like WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT? and he walked off so i slammed the door. and turned the lights off. and sat on the floor. pfff. and then he opens the door, and says his dad's there. and i cried. because.. because i wanted those ritual few minutes where i sit on him on the couch and everything can be calm.. like a precursor to the big fat nap i take once he leaves. but instead it was chaotic, and so when he left i ate 20 potato chips and half a bowl of potato soup and threw it up. ugh.
we hate uno's pizza for dinner, i was SO HAPPY. i love that stuff. and i kept IT down. yay for me, that stuff is.. i don't want to think about it. ekk. anyway, cody and i were sitting there waiting for it, and i started like having a panic attack, because everything was so tense in the car and then i felt like everyone was staring at me, i guess. he's really so sweet.
when he's not too busy being totally aloof *which comes off as assholeic, totally*, he really is very sweet. and adorable.
there's a book on the floor that says 'the highschool handbook'. only i'm sort of laughing, because what the hell is and WHOSE is it? i certainly don't need it, haha.
i think i scratched his back up. why did i just think of that? weird.
i need to talk to haylee tomorrow and see what's going on. and cody said he'd try to see me monday. which would be awesome. and then, two days later, WE GET TASHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! which is happiness in a dog. she needs a bath AS SOON AS she gets here, because she's ohsodirty, but she'll be in a lot of pain since she will have just been spayed. so i guess we'll just cuddle with her for the evening. i don't know WHAT we'll do with priss while tasha's resting, though. maybe i'll just shut the two of us in the back room to cuddle and watch movies all night, and priss can play with kris or something. i unno.
i was spossed to give cody *bitch*, i totally forgot.
i'm worried about haylee. because cody's leaving in a few weeks. and what is she going to do there without me or cody? i'm really, really worried. i want her to be ok, and i am scared for her in that shithole of a school all alone. i just.. i hate the idea of that. oh, and the guy she was thinking about dating is totally moving too. eeeeeeeeeeek.
i'm devising a plan to make a sufficient amount of money to put towards living in chicago after i turn 18. because i think i've decided that's where i want to go to school. and i'm going to live in a studio-apartment, a dingy one, with cody. and maybe hay, too. and have cats. two, most likely. and i won't eat much, and i'll work in maybe a bookstore or something and write for a local paper. and make cody play a lot of shows. and haylee wants to strip. and yeah, i'll probably do that, too. and so we should be able to scrounge by. but to plan ahead, i need to start saving up, seriously. and so i'm going to get back into really doing something with my work, and sell. and start to make a name for myself locally. and god, i don't know, enter more contests. and apply for some kind of young editor job somewhere. and i have to get a new job, too. ugh. i *could* start selling all the crazy clothes i like making so much, i'd just have to refine some of my skills. and i'm starting massage therapy classes, which means i'll get my license in.. a year, i think. which should bring in a sufficient amount of money. and so, i should be set.
heh. ambitious, yeah?
i'm going to look at the resume of a woman for possible art lessons. so yeah, love, night, sweet dreams, blahbalybhalhbabalblah.
Princess
at 3:07 AM
so out of boredom, i took the quiz at polotopia.com, and these were my results:
NW-You would feel most at home in the Northwest region. You advocate a large degree of economic and personal freedom. Your neighbors include folks like Ayn Rand, Jesse Ventura, Milton Friedman, and Drew Carey, and may refer to themselves as "classical liberals," "libertarians," "market liberals," "old whigs," "objectivists," "propertarians," "agorists," or "anarcho-capitalist."
heh, sounds about like me.
anarcho-capitalists, hahah.
i need to get more involved in politics, this country is going to hell.
Princess
at 4:55 AM
i think i like you better when you're naked and vulnerable. when there's nothing that stands between you and me, and i can see you in your wholeness and not have to worry about what you're hiding. and when you don't talk, i know that you aren't lying to me. i like it when you're vulgar, or when you admit that you want me. when i can tell that you think i'm sexy, or when you kiss me to let me know. i like it when i have all of your attention, i like it when you stop in the middle of your sentence and can't think of anything but me, and the way i touch you. i like when you run your hands along my hips, which is rare but sometimes unconscious. or when your hair falls around your face and your eyes become more round and you say that you love me, or you bare out some kind of incriminating truth. i like it when you're incriminated, and i like making up with you. that kind of intimacy where we both know you've been a huge asshole, but i love you anyway, and despite all your efforts to make me believe otherwise.. we both know you love me too. i love the way your tongue feels when you don't want to stop kissing me. and the way you can't ever just kiss me once. and how, when you leave.. you can't do it, you're too busy kissing me. in fact, i like knowing that the lure of my kisses distracts you from anything at all, and i really love that look on your face when you reallllly know that you SHOULDN'T kiss me again, but you can't stop. i like it when you laugh at me because i've done the sexylipbite, or even when you just laugh at me for no reason at all. i like your whine. especially when it's because i'm in control. and i like the way you struggle with me for power, it really turns me on. i like it when you bite me and leave huge bruises, or hold me down. and i like it when you have a hard time restraining yourself from ...me. all the seductive things that replay in my head like these, i love them. but really, i just love.. you.
Princess
at 3:27 AM
HAH, I GOT IT TO WORK!
Princess
at 2:22 AM
wow, i'm so annoyed becuase my computer isn't working right now. but that's ok, i'll write about the night without it.
it's 1:48 in the morning on the ..17th. yeah, 17th. and i'm getting ready to take some medicine to go to sleep, that way i'll wake up right about the time that cody should be getting here.
i just got out of the shower, which i desperately needed, heh. and today was actually a really fucking good day! woooooooo! i woke up at 1:30, did ALL that school work i hadn't done all week, got prissy out and danced with her, and then took with me to pick up brandon from school. we jammed out to ludacris on the way home, haha. and then mom got home with the groceries. and she totally rocks, because she got me all kinds of juice, bananas, cheese, FRENCH ONION DIP, veggie corndogs, and all kinds of other things that i love so much. then she took me, kris, and brandon to the pound so the boys could meet tasha, and so we could take a picture of her. she was sooooo adorable, and the boys loved her, of course. we fed her treats, and she got really freaking hyper and happy, it was way cute. i totally love her to pieces, i can't wait to bring her home.
then mom dropped me off at bobbi's so we could go to a show in franklin *with sarah, too*. and it was totally great. OH, BY THE WAY, IT WAS A DATE! *giggles*. the first band that played WAY sucked, even though they were the ones we were there for, heh. i totally fell in love with the second band, and the third was pretty good. i almost died the first hour though, because the kids were like.. sissymoshing. it was so funny later on, after the pit got better, and i had been moshing but was standing like just watching.. this girl came up to me and waas like "WANNA GIRL MOSH?!" and i go.. "i don't do that." and she goes "no, really, it's FUN!" and like, sissypushed me, and i looked at her and knocked her way over. it was so freaking hilarious, and she was laughing and tried to do it back but couldn't. annnnyway, yeah, i kicked ass, it was great. and at least two guys were like.. were you just in the pit?! you're the coolest girl i've ever met! and that always cracks me up. there was this kid there who was like ALLL over me, and it was cute but eeeeeek. he was like, "oh, you're the most beautiful girl i've EVER seen!" "i can't take my eyes off you!" "you're the most perfect being i've ever met," and so on. i was mad blushing. but yeah, i totally had a blast. i needed a metal fix REALLY hard, and i needed a most outlet way hard, too. anyway, after the bands were done, they started blasting dancey hiphop, and i was dancing all over. which was also great. because.. we all know i love to dance. and what gets better than dancing and moshing ALL IN THE SAME NIGHT?! plus bobbi, plus sarah, plus carson, plus compliments, plus peeing in a urinal *which i love*, plus the really really hot band members eyeing me, plus GOD IT WAS JUST SO HAPPY. i haven't had a really and completely good day in a long fucking time.
of course, bobbi always seems to supply my good days for me, heh.
when i got home, i was eating the french onion dip, and my mom came downstairs just seeing what i was doing. and yeah, she saw my arm. i was way embarrassed. AND SHE SAID SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE ME A FUCKING TETNUS SHOT. i almost died. because the other day, she said if i cut again, she'd do it. but i did this fucking over a week ago, that's so not fair! gah. i hate shots like WOAH. talk about SERIOUS ANXIETY AND PHOBIAS.
i found out today that we're going to florida for spring break. i can't wait to see everybody. stewart and phil and dave and of course, le fam. wooo!
OH YEAH! and some friend of carson's was talking about cornerstone, and how he was trying to get a big group of kids to go to cornerstone because it's cheaper taht way, and HOLY SHIT I WAS LIKE TAKE ME! so yeah, i guess i'm going to go with them. which i'm way excited about. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW TYLER FEELS ABOUT CORNERSTONE.. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! good times, hell yes.
i cut my bangs today, too. i hope they look ok. i don't really care though, if they look bad.. it's not like it would be the first time i hacked them, and besides, they grow back.
but yeah, my fucking internet won't work, and i guess i'ma go take that medicine. so love, and goodnight.
**2:07am**
Princess
at 2:22 AM
we bought tasha today. we pick her up next wednesday.
Princess
at 11:11 PM
i'm having a hard time controlling my impulses to eateateateat. and then my compulsions to.. antieat.
maybe if i checked myself into rehab, or got on some new medicine, or had a reevaluation, i could stop this cycle. and once and for all get better. or.. better than i am. i could stop these swings from hell to helloworld.
i stole half the razors from the garage the other day. but i can't make myself put them back. and they're so sharp when you first open them. some of them were rusty, but at least they were still sharp. it's like.. you don't even have to tear into yourself, it's so... automatic?
i'm letting myself think about it so i won't do it. because i want to. i wanttoiwanttoiwantto. that looks funny scrunched together. i can just imagine the disaster.. cutting with my new razors and needing stitches, and my mom being at work in the ER when i showed up for help. because she is at work. or i'd lay with her. or i can see myself not getting those damn stitches and having more huge gaping scars like my fucking leg. or chest. or arm. agh.
let's think about the dogs today. ok. well, there was this one named sam that i reallllllly liked. he was really calm, in the big dogs section, but not all THAT big. he was laying against the bars, totally laid back like, and just sort of coolly staring up at us until i started to bend down to pet him, and his tail started beating the ground. his face was all squished and folds of his fur were bending out of the bars, so i petted him and he looked up at me with the sweetest big eyes. i loooooooved him for it. and then there was tasha. she was in the small dogs section, but she wasn't too small. and she kept switching her weight and picking up her feet out of eagerness for attention from us, her tail wagging rapidly. but the moment i touched her, she snuggled into my hand and instantaneously, all that hyperactive energy drained out of her. it was adorable and three quarters. i would love to have either of them here, and so me, mom, jerry, and prissy are going in sometime this week to see how we all get along in a room and stuff. prissy will go wild, it'll be great. she loves riding in cars, and even more so does she love other dogs. i'm glad she'll have a friend. and i can't wait to have a smaller dog or calmer dog whose nails i can paint, heh. i miss painting ms. priss's nails.
i'm .
nevermind that. i'm not sure what to say. how could i even describe this?
misery.
that word never makes sense until it itself accompanies the sound of the syllables.
a long, drawn out word, with too long of an 's'.
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr like the growls i hear all too often.
and ey... like some fucking mocking joke, so cutesy an end to the way i feel.
maybe it's a sign.
i could always get those razors and not go to the ER. and not worry about scars in the future. and not worry about anything. and just let go. and you know what? i'd feel better.
i'd FEEL better.
for quite a while. these FEELINGS would go away, and i could start fresh, the way i do with each... incident like that.
or i could do it, and not worry about anything. and it could be over. and i wouldn't have to feel this anymore.
and i'm scared, i'm scared. it's approaching that point, again. and i wonder how i'm going to survive myself, this time.
he sure as hell won't save me. and they won't, either.
everyone and everything is just worn out. them of me, or me of them.
jenn sure as hell is. rg can't save me anymore. writer's block is paying me a visit. i have no real concentration, it's taking me forever to ramble my fuckking thoughts here.
um. more things, more things, what can we use to distract me?
more things, more things.
i could always try to watch a movie. mom gets off work in 15 minutes. she'll be home in maybe 45, then. i have to get up and leave in 7 hours. so i can't take the pills to fall asleep. fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
Princess
at 2:45 AM
it's quiet in this room and i,
i just want to whisper
in that mystifying way
something genius and questionable and debateable.
i want you to think on what i give you,
to mill and chew on it for hours.
let me share with you some insight,
some seeing in i've done that
YOU HAVEN'T.
and maybe the wind will sweep me up next,
maybe it'll pick me up and carry me away
and i'll only be your vision.
fantasy.
i'm ready to be something otherworldly
and beautiful,
for all those fairy tales to come true.
it's my turn to be that goddess cinderella,
that genius they promised me girls can be, too.
and there's always room for you to learn
to respect me,
or maybe even to love me
instead of fake awes.
i can fool your sense of reality and norm,
but i guess i'll never quite be the
mythical creature i wanted.
medusa, maybe.
Princess
at 11:56 PM
i'm fucking miserable, in every sense of the word.
Princess
at 10:47 PM
6
The Life Path 6 indicates that very prominent in your nature is a strong sense of responsibility. You are idealistic and must feel useful to be happy. The main contribution you make is that of advice, service and ever present support. This is the Life Path related to leadership by example and assumption of responsibility, thus, it is your obligation to pick up the burden and always be ready to help. The Life Path 6 is one who is compelled to function with strength and compassion, a sympathetic and kind person, generous with personal and material resources. Wisdom, balance, and understanding are the cornerstones of this Life Path. Your extraordinary wisdom and the ability to understand the problems of others is apt to commence from an early age allowing you to easily span the generation gap and assume an important role in life early on. While the 6 may assume huge responsibilities in the community, the life revolves around the immediate home and family, for this is the most domestic of numbers. Most with Life Path 6 are the positive types who willingly carry far more than their fair share of the load and are always there when needed. You are very human and realistic about life, and you feel that the most important thing in your life is the home, family and friends.
The number 6 Life Path actually produces few negative examples, but there are some pitfalls peculiar to the path. Avoid a tendency to become overwhelmed by responsibilities and a slave to others. Also, avoid being too critical (of yourself or of others). The misuse of this Life Path produces tendencies towards exaggeration, over-expansiveness, and self-righteousness. Imposing one's views in an interfering or meddling way must be an issue of concern. The natural burdens of this number are heavy, and on rare occasions, responsibility is abdicated by persons with this Life Path 6. This rejection of responsibility will make you feel very guilty and uneasy, and it will have very damaging effects upon your relationships with others.
**it called me human. ouch.**
Princess
at 10:21 PM
You were born on a Saturday
under the astrological sign Libra.
Your Life path number is 6.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2447064.5.
The golden number for 1987 is 12.
The epact number for 1987 is 0.
The year 1987 was not a leap year.
As of 1/13/2004 9:07:58 PM CST
You are 16 years old.
You are 196 months old.
You are 851 weeks old.
You are 5,953 days old.
You are 142,893 hours old.
You are 8,573,587 minutes old.
You are 514,415,278 seconds old.
There are 257 days till your next birthday
and there are 347 days till Christmas 2004!
The moon's phase on the day you were
born was waxing crescent.
Princess
at 10:08 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! who is pam?
Princess at 9:48 PM
this will come in handy. and besides... could it have picked a more accurate outfit for moi?
Princess at 9:44 PM
Princess at 9:33 PM
could this be more true?
HAHA.
Princess at 9:26 PM
http://www.livejournal.com/users/valleygurl666/102479.html#cutid1
Princess
at 9:23 PM
..woah.
Princess at 9:22 PM
Princess at 9:20 PM
..i threw up. oops.
went today to look at adoptable dogs. found two that i reallyreallyreallyreally like. it was so happy.
also went to bob's. i love her, it was great. i needed to see her. because i was way depressed. but see.. now that i'm here alone again... BAM. dee.press.shun.
i wish i could find my bikini kill mixes and stuff. all my riot is missing. *dies*.
i want to see his.. cagelessness. eep.
i feel really fat. realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly.
apt loveliness. we used to say it all the time. sort of as a mockery, because she didn't even know what *apt* meant. but it was all we were about. apt loveliness. i miss it, i miss her. but she doesn't even exist anymore. i lost her. someone else is in her body now. hell. it's not even her body. and i will hate st. patrick's day forever, and i will hate hate hate hate hate myself forever.
i'm drinking this melted chocolate milkshake like i'm going to keep it down. it's like a tease for my stomach. food for orgasm, it must be... celebate. asexual. twill not produce.. any fat, anyway.
i'm so fucking...............
god.
i need a bath.
classes start tomorrow, and i have an appointment at mike's. but of course, it's a half day, and i won't get to see my friends. i fucking detest.. most everything.
animousity.
eep.
miss anne thrope.
i need to cut some more, i guess. i can't be myself, can't be motivated. not until i have it, not until i let go of all this miserableness. *sigh*.
and i wanted to be recovered.
Princess
at 8:41 PM
YOUR CARPET IS BLOODY, BUT MY FLOOR'S GOT WOOD!
Princess
at 8:29 PM
i went by cody's, he got his braces off. and i happen to think he's way adorable. i traded him jackets, petted his new dog. and he's not any worse of a kisser without braces, haha. mmmmm i smell like him.
*melts*
sweet dreams tonight.
Princess
at 11:40 PM
*How many lesbian feminist Dianic Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and it's NOT FUNNY!!!
*How many years does it take a Dianic Wiccan to change a lightbulb?
You can change it whenever you are empowered to do so.
*How many Dianic women does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's W-I-M-M-I-N, and it's still not funny!
*How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb?
It's a third degree secret.
*How may light bulbs does it take to change a gardnerian?
none, they can do it all by themselves, thank you very much!!
*How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came along.
*How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you want it changed into?
*How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, if you can remember which one used to be the electrician.
*How many Cerimonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.
*How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
...hehehehhe...
Princess
at 11:39 PM
You are Kathleen Hanna! Poster child of the riot
grrls, you've grown up a little in the last few
years. You've brought rape, feminism,
sexuality, and wymyn surviving hard shit into
the mainstream through art, music, and
spokenword. You're PUNKROCK! But, like, for
real.
Which Western feminist icon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
oooh.
Princess
at 11:26 PM
well... today didn't go as planned. i didn't fall asleep till past 6, at least. and so i didn't wake up until an hour ago.
and now i'm doing my miserable schoolwork.
and then i'm not sure what i'll do.
and i called cody's. and stupidjimmy answers. he'll be grounded for a long, long time this time, he says. NINE WEEKS WASN'T ENOUGH? HE'S ABOUT TO FUCKING LEAVE ME, I WANT TO TALK TO HIM GOD DAMMIT.
i'm not in a very good mood.
Princess
at 4:17 PM
i'm so sorry that i think.
Princess
at 4:26 AM
from ruinyourlife.com.
"People with BPD fluctuate between extremes. Unlike most people, people with BPD view the world in terms of black-and-white, all-or-nothing experience. They usually feel life is either great or terrible, effortless, or hopeless; but nothing in the middle of these two extremes.
Also, people with BPD do things to undermine their own success. Just before completion, goals are thrown aside. Graduation, relationships, and promotion may be tossed aside before successful completion. Behaviors that are self-defeating such as substance abuse, overspending, and physical altercations are common.
Lives of people with borderline personality disorder are chaotic. When life gets too calm or stable, they will begin to experience feelings of tension, vulnerability, and anxiety. Rather than experience these negative feelings they will seek out new chaos. So their life is a cycle of creating and repairing chaotic situations.
For people with BPD self-injury is a direct response to overwhelming psychological pain. It is a way of relieving and releasing intense emotions they experience at calm times in their lives. Also, SI is a way of releasing the feelings of fright they get from thoughts, memories, and emotions during their moments of calm. It also keeps these feelings at bay. Dissociation that may come with the self-injury may end those overwhelming emotional states.
Also, the injuries produced by self-injury are another chaos to focus on for those with BPD. These wound allow the attention of the person to be transferred from the original, distressing emotions to the new emotions and experiences that stem directly from the self-injury. Basically, self-injury plays a complex and interesting role within people with borderline personality disorder. Self-injury, for a variety of reasons, acts as an agent for producing internal states which are better able to be tolerated. "
...holy fucking..fuck.
i really wish i knew someone else who suffered BPD as their main source of ..psychotica.
it's odd how it's like, there's so much information on it, it's everywhereeverywhereeverywhere... but i seem to be the only fucking person in the entire world who actually HAS the damn thing.
i hate that my life is not only miserable, but it's miserable on paper, the entire thing mapped out in front of me. the funny thing about how there's so much information on BPD is that there never seems to be any information on cures. and my psych doesn't seem to have an answer, either. and maybe that's because
MY ENTIRE LIFE IS FUCKING HOPELESS, AND I WILL BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FUCKING MISERABLE UNTIL THE DAY I FUCKING DIE, AND IT'S ALL MY OWN FAULT AND ALWAYS WILL BE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO FIX IT.
great.
Princess
at 3:57 AM
i took that personality disorder test again. the results were the same, except this time the previous 'moderate' and 'low' were both 'high'. THIS is what happens when bad girls don't take their paxil.
i'm going to bed, looking forward to the misery of tomorrow. i'll get up, get gas, go to the y, take a shower, do my schoolwork, pick up brandon, do some more miserable schoolwork, and go to miserable work. wooooohoooo!
i feel really fat today. and it makes me want to eat. heh.
Princess
at 2:31 AM
oh, and his away message:
Hot dogs love Pepsi.
Princess
at 1:36 AM
Fu9: holy crap.
Fu9: we're getting married.
Fu9: i don't care what you say.
ggglittersoresss: i wanted someone to crawl up in my window like that, haha.
Fu9: lol
Fu9: i will.
Fu9: pepsi and hot dogs love pizza.
Fu9: i would marry your mom, but she appears to be taken.
Fu9: looks like i'll have to take her daughter...
Fu9: me and you..
Fu9: we are going to sit around a eat.
ggglittersoresss: we can be eating buddies, hah.
Fu9: yaay!
ggglittersoresss: i freakin hate science.
Fu9: me too
Fu9: i never have and never will use it.
ggglittersoresss: i know, i'm doing all this enzyme-polysis-dogihavenoideaitis stuff.
ggglittersoresss: and.. never, ever, ever will i need to know it.
ggglittersoresss: how annoying.
Fu9: LMAO
Fu9: dogihavenoideaitis
ggglittersoresss: yeah, uhm. that's about how well i know this stuff.
ggglittersoresss: heh.
Fu9: pepsi..
Fu9: you're the rockenest ever.
Fu9: if it falls through with your guy..
Fu9: you're mine.
i can't even express how much i totally love talking with him. err, messaging.
Princess
at 1:35 AM
i'm contemplating suicide, or else getting away very soon. something's gotta change. i can't do this, like this. not anymore.
i'm not your fucking woman, i'm a princess in a tshirt.
Princess
at 10:19 PM
i wanna cut, wanna cut where it hurts
deep down
mess around with the softest spots
i wanna tear my heart out and put something else in it
and sew it back together with
licorice string.
i wanna burn, wanna burn with the cold
till i'm pink and can't take it anymore.
i want to squeeze out
every last tear and treasure it,
in a glass where i know it won't evaporate or
on sugar,
like candy and i can eat myself.
sick sick sick
i don't care i'm tired of being halfwell halfassed
it's time,
time to rip out that heart of mine
and eat it like everyone else.
like candy.
Princess
at 10:18 PM
take your pink ribbon off my eyes.
Princess
at 10:12 PM
so i missed the dance. but.. dresses lying unworn on the floor, makeup still unused in its case... i have to say that i couldn't have been happier with the way that last night turned out.
he came earlier than usual, maybe even BEFORE 3. we sit in my room, contemplate what it means that.. he's going to leave. melancholy. his dad calls. more melancholyness. he said... sure, he could live there but he'd have to have a car. i am too blank to cry. i stand up, sit on him. we tumble. i stand up, next to him. break my neck with his kisses. l7 soundtrack and bad radio, i don't really even care. we go downstairs, watch ellen degeneres.
off to church.
mary takes us to pizza hut for carryout, then back to her house to watch clueless and replacement killers. mint chocolate chip ice cream, laying on his stomach and making fun of men with the last name fat, not even paying attention to the movie. loving the way i cuddle into him, laughing as he calls me 'catlikething'. change positions 50 times. watch 10 minutes of the matrix, mary's favorite part that i don't understand because i've never seen it. go home at 10.30.
i stand on the couch in the fireplaceroom, eye level with him while he laughs. i am very short. he kisses me, kiss back. he carries me to the backroom, we talk and laugh and kiss. madtv at 11.19, when i realize the time. my favorite. teasing, kissing, discussing our getaway plan. snl. fucking. fickle me, change positions 50 times. he looks at me and says... you are so beautiful. and it's sincere. go to the bathroom and my eyes are green, which amazes me. we lay on the couch, comforted and.. peaceful. voluntarily, he takes his shirt off. and just to feel his skin on mine, so do i. restful calm. serenity. and i..aminloveandilikeit. share spur of the moment information on..love, generally. leaving. i want to sleep there, and everything sort of suggests it. i'm not really sure i've ever felt so happy in relaxation. it's dark, by the way, and i'm ok. he kisses me randomly, all over and wherever. a four letter word couldn't come close to describing this.
he promised himself he'd call his dad at 2.30. it didn't happen. but soon after, it does. and we lay in the dark on the couch in the fireplaceroom, me in his jacket and him repeating the lines from an aerosmith song he wishes wasn't in his head. we laugh at how terrible it is, how much more terrible it is that it's true. how much we wish that moment.. wouldn't end. and he says, if you didn't just see that, i didn't either. but he did. and i didn't. and the car is there, a little past my house, and i open the door for him. and collapse on the couch.
my relapse, the lonliness, everything and anything ever. it doesn't matter. all that matters is that moment, and i go to sleep not letting it end. i live in it for hours and hours. and wake up at 11.
collectively, we have.. 150 dollars. and now we have to decide where to go. heh.
Princess
at 3:18 PM
as you can tell, i'm bored out of my motherfuckingmind.
Princess
at 6:37 PM
...JESSICKA.(jack off jill)...adorable, painful,
scary....you prove that you can suffer with the
best of them....
which LEAD SINGER (of a rock band) are you>?
brought to you by Quizilla
Princess
at 6:16 PM
you are ELIZABETH. you are the member of a powerful
family...you love to kill teenage servant girls
and bath in their blood....you went on to kill
about 610 girls by torturing them and slowly
draining all the blood out of them.......go
you!!
What Kind of Vampire are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
**i suppose this means erzsebet bathory?**
Princess
at 6:08 PM
JESSICKA. the adorable lead vocals to JACK OFF
JILL. you are the ultimate female shock rocker
and are friends w/ Marilyn Manson and probably
satan....ppl are easily deceived by your
cuteness...and those ppl usually get cut with a
candy coated razor...go you!!!.....
Which Hot rocker chick are you?
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Princess
at 6:05 PM
you are BONDAGE BETTIE. you are dominant, mean, but
you look so inncoent.whip those boys into
shape!...ouch i'm sorry master......
Which Bettie Page are you?
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Princess
at 6:02 PM
everything for me has to be so extreme. the ohsoperfect with intervals of horriblekillme. never a gray. never.
went to school, was a good little girl and bought cody's convenient excuse for treating me like secondclassshit. was too upset to look xtian in the face. hugged and kissed chris. they don't give a fuck about me. maybe not cody. but the other two, for sure.
i'm tired of having these great friends and feeling so close to them, and then having to deal with them betraying me or hurting me in some huge way and them not giving a fuck. people on care about me when it's the cool thing to do.
which is why i hate those accusations... you changed cody/xtian/whoeverelse. they only kiss your ass.
they treat me like shit the other half the time, thanks.
i'm waiting on haylee to call me back. there's the ring now.
i love her.
in fact, i love so many people, and i hate the way it's onesided. no one cares about me as a whole person, as tyler, only when i'm some huge goddess icon for them. i just want.. i just want.. nevermind, it's not important.
Princess
at 4:57 PM
Jessicka
Which female rocker are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
wow. i feel so horribly gorgeous. *melts all over the floor*.
Princess
at 1:07 PM
Fu9: will you be my pepsi
Fu9: i'll be your hot dog.
Fu9: $50 says i'm more of a geek than you!
Fu9: but you..
Fu9: you're not mad cute..
Fu9: you're...
Fu9: mad perfect.
Fu9: in every way.
Fu9: you stand up for what you believe in
ggglittersoresss: and i'm mad blushing.
Fu9: you're absolutely gorgeous
Fu9: and you dance with your mom.
Fu9: dude..
Fu9: i hate dislexia.
Fu9: it makes me do things all funny.
Fu9: like.. i was walking through the mall and i saw "Camelot Music"
Fu9: of course, dislexia kicks in and i shout out "CAMELTOE MUSIC!!"
it's funny how you can have this horrible terrible day where you do nothing but cry and SI, and then this great guy a million miles away can have you smiling in minutes. no, it's great.
Princess
at 1:49 AM
i should've throw up dinner when i had the chance.
Princess
at 10:49 PM
maybe if you could love me just this once
i'd be ok.
and maybe you could teach me someday
how to do it.
maybe if you could like me just this once
i'd be ok.
and maybe i could give up my
narcissistic paranoia.
i really, really hate myself. and that is how i feel.
Princess
at 8:49 PM
i did it.
re. lapse.
now i have all those days, wasted. i have to start counting again.
i wrote in it, i love you. my world will be a wonderland. i made kiss marks in it, all over the inside of my cabinet. red lips, so pretty. i washed them off. watching myself go down the drain.
it's just one. just enough to write, just enough to love.
the taste lingers on my lips. like metal.
i'm not done.
Princess
at 6:28 PM
i don't hae anyone else to talk to, you're it, mr. bblog. i'm runing out of resournes i dont know what to do with myself. i want to hurt hurt hurt hurt i feel like i'm going to lose control and i donat want this so bad. i am so alone. i asolosen.. it wont get out of myhead. i just wanty o go, run the water. get a nother razor. it could bre 9over. i coult ends jiat6. i i dont have anytongher choise.
Princess
at 5:55 PM
i'm sad. and very slow again.
i would just like to curl up and die on the floor, in fluffy blankets. sleeping death. the end.
he might come over today.
i awnt taco bell. i'm going to the y.
i jus t want to sleep, really. taco bell and sleep. i guess that's what i'll do, then.
Princess
at 12:47 PM
so i made the wrong decision. about.. the food. at least i didn't cut. my neck is really sore though.
um.
xtian totally walked by me like i didn't exist today. i was totally heartbroken. i feel like crying. if my eyes weren't already all watery from throwing up, they'd be...watery from that. nice to know that he didn't give a fuck that he hasn't seen me in all this time.
i go out in my combat boots and pigtails, shrug off the cold weather like it's nonexistent. buy my riot books, sport idontcare looks. i was lying. i come home to the empty house, unlace the boots, take down the pigtails, unzip my jacket to a fuzzy pink tshirt, and cry. no one has to know that yeah, i'm eating in front of you but yeah, i'm going to go throw it up when you're gone. no one has to know how fragile i am when no one is there. and really, no one does.
my stomach is sore, i've been over working myself. i'm going to keep overworking myself until i like me, i decided. i'm going to the Y and killing myself every day until i'm pretty.
and if cody leaves, i... i'll go on a hunger strike. and i'll work out twice as much. and i'll take lots of diet pills. until i'm thin. until every last bit of this disgusting fat goes away. and then.. and then everything will go right. it has to. pretty girls are happy. and that.. must be why i'm not.
if cody leaves i'll die.
there isn't much more to say. i'm lonely.
i don't want anyone to look at this. maybe i'll do what bobbi did and get some journal that i can keep private, away fromm people. i think she's unhappy with me. like xtian. and my mom. and brandon. and me.
i took dthe promethazyne, i'm getting leepy finally . mayb i'll type more later, if i evety feel lie. it. goodnights.
Princess
at 10:45 PM
** just wanted to say that i think your one of the most beautiful girls ever. And your precious and never let anyone make you think otherwise. This is probably weird. Lol.....
Love you,
Libby**
ya'll, give it up for saint libby, who just freakin saved my ass from almost relapsing. she.. is my heroine.
*claps*.
tomorrow, i think i'll take brandon to school again. and then i'm going to the Y with mom to workout. and then maybe back to half price books. oh, and to school, because i reallyreallyreally want to see mah boys. yeah, i went to hpb today and FINALLY bought *bitch*, and um *no more nice girls* and some woman spirituality book that looked good. and a copy of nuvo. there's an add on the back that says "do it for the revolution. i don't care if this paper's free, steal it anyway." so i did, hah.
....still no calls. i'm lonely, and apparently a loser. hah.
momma wants to goodwill sometime this week. wooooohoooo. i'm running low on cash. maybe i'll take some books to half price or the bookrack, or try to sell some clothes to plato's. mom did say she'd pay for tomorrow's gas refill, because i'm taking brandon to school and because i paid for my own dinnner tonight and because jerry used my car today, so i don't feel bad about it.
i owe the library big-time. HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO PAY THAT FINE? eek.
Princess
at 10:42 PM
it's snowing today, i fucking hate it.
he hasn't called yet.
and haylee's not answering.
something's up with bob, i think. it worries me.
jerry has my car for the day. which is annoying.
i took brandon to school this morning. it was fun, really. i think i'm going to start taking him more often. and then maybe go to border's after, or something like that. i start real classes soon and just.. i think i'm going to start settling into this whole homeschool thing. i'm having a hard time adjusting.
dazed and confused is on tv, and some make of cherry bomb is on it. i fucking love this song.
down the street, i'm the grrrl next door. i'm the fox you've been waiting for.
i posted my first entry in rad_femmes today. i'll put it in here later, maybe.
i go back to work today. i'm sort of looking forward to the kids. it'll be nice, i guess.
i laced one of my boots with a pink princess lace today. it's pretty.
i.... feel far away and slow. it's obvious, huh?
Princess
at 4:36 PM
ggglittersoresss: good luck at school tomorrow, bob.
drain x november: sanks.
ggglittersoresss: welks.
drain x november: how goes it?
ggglittersoresss: eh. lonely.
drain x november: aw. sorry, babuhcakes.
ggglittersoresss: s'ok, not your fault
ggglittersoresss: i just realized today that.. everybody else is going back tomorrow to see eachother and have their misery.. together. and i'm going to be here, alone, working my ass off to get caught up. and my mom will be asleep. and i have to get my car fixed by myself, too.
drain x november: i'd love to trade you places. i don't want to go back.
drain x november: there's no one i want to see or anything.
drain x november: other than nikki and christian.
ggglittersoresss: i do. i want to show up at my locker tomorrow and know that everyone will be there to love me. i want to give haylee a fufu berry. i want a silly note from nikki. i want to follow you around going boboboboboboobobobobobobob. i want to run down the hall and jump in cody's arms so he can swing me in circles. i want to laugh at something stupid with xtian, probably something stupid chris said.
ggglittersoresss: and i want brittany to call me from down the hall.. mooooooooommmmmmmmmmmaaaaaa!!! and i want ethan to go I LOVE ME! and i want chad to say something that doesn't make sense. and i want indy to call me dear and flip my hair.
ggglittersoresss: and i want to watch samm do some spazzy thing with his arms.
ggglittersoresss: and for ricci to be all cute to me, and monica to come up and do the porn dance.
drain x november: yeh.
drain x november: i'd trade you places if i could.
drain x november: because i honestly don't want to see anyone other than those two. i don't know why, either.
ggglittersoresss: i thought being alone would be a lot better than it is.
ggglittersoresss: i don't like being with myself.
drain x november: i love being alone. in some aspects.
ggglittersoresss: i don't. i don't like myself well enough to be the only person i'm with all the time. but i do like all those other people.
Princess
at 9:12 PM
it was just one of those moments, those brief miracles that make you enjoy life and everything about it. those few seconds that make you so unbelievably happy that you can't remember anything else. it's something i treasure so much these days, taking the long way home because a good song came on the radio. it was nirvana, smells like teen spirit, at the intersection at southport and meridian. i didn't know my volume got that loud. and i skipped my turn, and the next, and the next, and when i finally turned into my addition, it was one of the only times where i just creep around so far under the speed limit. all just to hear his scream over my windshield wipers, just to swerve a little on each beat because i'm actually concentrating more on headbanging than i am driving. and i pull into my house, shut the lights off, and just lay back with the music blaring in my ears. i feel this smile take hold of my face, spreading out my features and relaxing into place. and this... this is like the first smile i've ever smiled, like the first time i experienced enlightenment. this is why i'm alive.
Princess
at 8:50 PM
mom's asleep, so i'm babysitting. so far this morning, i've:
*gotten up
*eaten 2 bowls of lucky charms
*dried off kris after he went riding in his jeep in the rain
*typed two sentences to haylee
*folded a blanket
*unloaded and reloaded the dishes
*talked to my dog
*and changed my tampon.
what i really want to do is go to half price books. what i really want to do is drop my books off at the library. what i really want to do is get ungrounded from my car.
i played with my henna last night. i only kept it on for maybe a half hour, but it stained surprisingly well. i'm happy. i put my signature broken heart on my arm and a sketchy butterfly on my hip. i want to write CUNT on my wrist, but i dunno. not worth the arguement with mom, probably. '
i need to take a shower.
i've noticed my life becoming increasingly boring. or i'm just getting bored of everything. hm.
brandon, in the next room, is trying to convince kris that he was born with a tuxedo on. and also that we had another brother that was abducted by aliens. he's not buying it. good for him. they're playing big muthatruckers. hearing that thing play for hours upon hours last night almost drove me off the edge. it's so damn annoying.
i want to see texas chainsaw massacre today. but i think i'll take a shower instead.
Princess
at 1:51 PM
i was just remembering something that happened when i still lived in wisconsin, and how sick it made me.
my mom came up to visit and see what the house was like, what the village was like (and to see my play that got canceled, ugh). she brought kris with her. after touring the house, my mom was going to try to find like a hotel to stay at, but there weren't any regular, high-advertised places like there are near the city. lisa started to suggest the silver village inn, which was near our church, but nancy elbowed her to shut up and gave her the eye because she didn't want my mom to have any help. it really fucking pisses me off to think about it. it wasn't JUST my mom, she had a fucking baby! a baby! and nancy just wanted my mom to be lost and miserable in this nowhereland shithole while it was pouring down rain, alone. i hate that bitch. i hate her.
i was thinking about it. if i could kill anyone, it would be her.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels that way, though. rawr.
Princess
at 12:45 AM
this damn thing didn't post yet another something i wrote, which makes me an unhappy woman. blah.
well, the truth is that
i kinda don't care what you want
i sorta don't care what i look like, or what time i'm calling you
i sorta just want to be all over you no matter what mood you're in
i kinda hate the way you don't shut your fucking eyes
and i sorta don't care whether or not i'm on the rag
i kinda sorta just want to prance around the house in my lingerie and combat boots
and you kinda have to tell me i'm the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
i kinda just want to scream when i feel like it
i sorta don't care if you're nervous, or paranoid
i'll kinda not talk to you if everything doesn't go my way
and i'll kinda still expect you to kiss my ass.
i kinda hate it when you don't call me back,
or say you will and kinda forget.
i kinda only want marks where no one can see them
but i'll sorta tear you up all over the place
i kinda want you to be crazy with me
but i sorta wish i wasn't crazy
i kinda just really want you to love me
eve though i really sorta want everything else.
Princess
at 10:24 PM
i miss xtian.
i bought pretty leather-free combat boots at gadzooks for $18 (who'd have guessed it?!). i'm happy.
cody didn't come today for The Saturday. but he was here yesterday, and two days before that, and the day before that. so i'm ok, i guess. unhappy, but ok.
sometimmes i'm too depressed to care. like now.
um. that's all.
Princess
at 6:59 PM
;alksdjf.
i wrote a HUGE post that took maybe 3 hours to write on this past year, and my computer slowed down and i guess it didn't post it at all. i really feel like crying, i'm so upset.
i'm on my period, i can't believe it. agh.
maybe more later, i need to read a few things.
Princess
at 10:57 PM