if i was christian, i'd have a hell of a testimony.
i haven't thrown up since yesterday after cody left at lunchtime. WOOOHOO! not.
but i HAVE been eating like i was never going to eat again. which maybe now i shouldn't. eek.
Princess at 9:18 PM
i ate dinner.
actually ate it.
CODY'S COMING HERE IN LIKE, 14 HOURSSSSSSSSSSSS!
i went to from justin's to liz and will's with kim tonight. it was fun.
more on everything later.
i need a shower.
Princess
at 1:59 AM
i'm starving.
i haven't eaten yet today. i'm soooooooooo good!
i'm all dressed up and pretty since i was spossed to go to liz's with justin, but i missed his call taking brandon to church and now he turned his dumbfaced phone off. which means i'm probably going to sit here alone for the night, ugh.
my claire flower still looks great. it's in my car. yayyness.
i can't stop thinking about food. i chewed two pretzels today and spit them out. they were totally delicious. totally.
cody is coming tomorrow. def.
Princess
at 7:15 PM
maybe i'm a horrible person for this but....
i want meat. in a taco. i want a double decker supreme WITH meat. god it sounds so good.
i haven't wanted meat in like, years.
well except that i wanted a hot dog on valentine's day.
it sounds amazing right now.
but i'm a good girl and i won't eat it. wooo.
Princess
at 4:07 PM
and a survey to waste time.
0. Do you cut? mhm.
1. Who do you hide SI from? i try not to hide anymore. fresh stuff i hide from most everyone, because god it's so embarrassing. but i don't worry about scars usually, and i don't have a problem admitting it most the time.
2. Who knows about it? the majority of people.
3. How long has it been since you last cut? a few days. go me.
4. Have you ever tried to commit suicide before? yeah.
5. Where do you usually cut? arms and chest.
6. When you cut, who's usually the first to find out? one of my friends who i call in a panic. or when i feel like i have to confess and i tell them. or whoever reads this thing because i tell it everything.
7. What's your worst experience with a fresh cut? my leg bled for days. it ruined pants and such. and then i knew it needed stitches bad, but didn't get them but did get so upset that i was sick for days.
8. Do you have a fascination with scabs? not really.
9. Do you like scars, yes or no? sometimes.
10. Do you name your razor? too many to name.
11. What other methods of SI do you use? bruising, burning, trichosomethingmania (haha), peeling, picking, beating, scratching, whatever. any and every thing.
12. Do you dislike the term "self mutilation"? sometimes.
13. What various ways do you use to hide cuts? at first, i used bandaids so no one would notice. i had a serious fascination with them and used them for everything. then i started wearing maybe 30+ bracelets per arm. and then i wore them over long sleeved shirts with thumbholes in them. now i wear sweaters around whoever i'm afraid will see them and such.
14. Once cuts heal, do you still hide the scars? i used to. but i'm over it.
15. Ever been institutionalized/hospitalized for SI'ing? yeah.
16. Do you ever run into problems with hiding cuts (i.e: gym change rooms)? yeah. swim class really sucked because hello everyone could see them. even the ones on my chest would peek out the top. and this year i had gym with indy, so she'd see me whenever i changed. and when i used to dance, people would see them and get really upset. which is part of the reason i don't want to go back to dance, but i won't admit it to anyone.
17. What's the best part about cutting to you? blood. lots of it.
18. Do you know of any songs that talk about SI? plenty.
19. Have you ever been caught cutting/burning, etc? yeah. one time in 7th grade when i was on stupid lockdown, i was in my room (which i wasn't spossed to do if i wasn't sleeping) late at night cutting the fuck outta my arms when i called cory because i was so upset (which i also wasn't allowed to do). my mom walked in and goes, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" and i just turned my arms over at her. she freaked out. eek. i've been caught other times too, but that was the worst.
20. What instrument do you use to cut? razors.
21. What causes you to cut? everything. i'm way addicted at this point.
22. What do you feel afterwards? calm and serenity. or sometimes absolute panic at what i've done to myself when it's really bad. it just depends.
23. What is your closest Close Call? huh?
24. How long have you been doing it? i've been cutting (in the sense that i am now) since sixth grade. i've been self-mutilating my whole life.
25. Do you keep a razor in your bag? i keep them everywhere.
26. Ever needed stitches for a cut so deep? definitely.
27. Do you have someone like a therapist you talk to regularly? yeah.
28. Are your parents divorced? yeah.
29. Do you label yourself a ‘cutter’? i guess.
31. Why did you start? i don't really know. i was freaking crying one day when i went to my room and saw a razor on the floor. i picked it up, and for some reason it just seemed like the right thing to do. so i did it and i liked it. and i didn't stop.
33. What did you use? shaving razor.
34. What do you use now? razors.. i guess they're constructioney razors since they're the kind in a toolbox haha. coolest thing i ever had was an exacto knife i stole from school.
35. Have you ever tried to quit before? several times.
36. What’s the longest time you’ve went without cutting? a few months, i think.
37. Have you tried alternative coping methods other then cutting? yeah. they don't work.
38. Why do you like to cut (if you do)? it's pretty. mm blood.
39. Why don’t you like cutting (if you don’t): scars. they're everywhere. everyone knows what i do, and i hate it when people talk about it. when people's parents ask me about it, it's so embarrassing. i hate the itchiness. i hate hiding it.
44. Would you advise people to stop or start cutting? it's addicting, and in the end.. it causes more pain than it releases. and horrid scars.
46. Do you like the taste/look of blood? i don't think i like anything more.
48. What is your opinion on cutting? i'm not objective enough to really have an opinion. i love it, i hate it, it's my savior and my fall.
49. Have you ever taken pictures of your cuts/scars, if so why? i've always wanted to because they're so pretty. but my mom would die, so i never have. i've painted and drawn them continuously forever, though.
50. Do you think there is a connection between mental illness (depression, anxiety disorders etc.) and self-injury? well, i have BPD, and one of the symptoms for diagnosis is self-injury. so yeah.
51. Is there a certain song that describes how/when/why you cut? so many. so, so many.
Princess
at 2:59 AM
http://www.msnusers.com/PrincessBettieTyler/shoebox.msnw?albumlist=2
i finally put up some pictures. there they are.
Princess
at 2:36 AM
today's prophetic epiphany:
bush is the antichrist.
it makes perfect sense. i should go share this with my mom, haha.
in other news, brandon says i'm demonic.
a walking study in demonology...tyler loves hole.
i had pizza hut for dinner. i don't even have to gag myself anymore, i'm finding. because i started puking in the car. mm.
people hit on me.
but i only like cody.
i suck.
*sigh*.
i'm weird. and that's why i listened to daisy chainsaw as much as i possibly could today.
yesssssssss.
Princess
at 10:10 PM
words flying quick like moths
rest upon your mandarin brow.
fluttering wings in upward motions
like writing directions for a cake box.
it's a seldom silence;
surely that which whirlpooled its way into your heart,
and cosmetic tendencies.
pride in a blush brush
or love in dead lipstick.
i'm proud.
Princess
at 4:46 PM
hunger pangs. horribly. pain anyone?
not to cody's today. fuck.
brushed out all my curls, and i'm left with this huge static ball of fluff.
he emailed me back.
i curled my bangs. it took forever. i don't know why, or why i even curled them, but i feel much more accomplished now that i've gone through with it. i like to be pretty just for myself and maybe sit around the house or be nice to myself and still feel gorgeous and respected. when i go out and feel pretty, i get stared at and most the time i feel like some cheap toy. but they can't take away from my self esteem if i don't give it to them to begin with. that was a pointless analysis.
kris is having his birthday party with spencer (since they just happen to be best friends AND have the same birthday) at chuck e. cheese. it should be fun. last year at kris's party at greattimes, i took jenn. we had pink glittery shoelaces in our pigtail buns, and she was wearing my clothes. we were happy. everything was starting to look up. we rode up there with mary and listened to the happy chick mix all the way there. we ate pizza and cake. we wrecked go karts. we laughed all day long. we decided, sitting in a go kart with me driving for once (our last round before being kicked off the track), that i should break up with john for awhile so that he could gain some perspective and realize that i wasn't a possession. and of course then she reccomends having a threesome with chris judy, ha. i hit that gas pedal with all my might and thoughl.... wow, i'm finally going to live.
i couldn't have been more wrong.
that was sad.
Princess
at 3:18 PM
i am not to be reckoned with
but more like recorded
so only my voice can reckon with you
over and over
and the broken record that is
my conversation will never have to be
bought again.
no one wants to pay the full price to be fought with
or stand a moving target
whlie i fling my records
in record-breaking speeds.
i reckon that's a damn expensive girl, anyway.
Princess
at 3:09 PM
finally fell asleep at 6.30, and jerry fucking woke up me at 7.20 to take brandon to school. only he didn't need to be there until 8. so i layed back down and then whenever he told me it was time to go i get in my car and turn it on but the window's frosted so i'm like brandon scrape off the window since i'm so damn cold. and he totally can't do it (what the fuck?) so i make him get back in because i don't care if he's late, he was being an ass. i was shhaking really badly because of the cold (i didn't have on a jacket, i was wearing slip-on shoes, my hair is still wet from last nightr, and since i don't eat right i'm temperature sensitive, too, plus i just woke up) and brandon goes "ugh, stop shivering." i just looked at him and wrinkled my eyebrows and go SHUT THE FUCK UP really loud. it really surprised him.
my eyes feel like they're gonna bleed.
i love green day. what a loser.
i could not be more miserable. i ate two cookies beforei knew what i was doing this morning, and that really sucks. fatass.
i don't have anything else to say.
going to lay down until 10 or whatever so i can go to the hospital and get gas money from my mom and then go to cody's.
i will NOT get lost, check me out.
oh yeah. i popped the blister on my hand because cody told me that skin could grow over it and it couldstay there forever. and that idea was yucky. but i want to burn new pretty star blisters on me and see if those grow over, because that would just be neat-o. man what am i thinking? i have no real order to my thoughts right now. sorry.
Princess
at 8:36 AM
well. yeah. the fast.
i've been looking a bunch of things up and i think i've figured out what to do to stop breaking them.
i will be a good girl.
religious epiphany.
that is why i'm fasting.
i'm going to cody's tomorrow. end of story.
annnd i need to make a thinspiration book.
that's all.
Princess
at 2:39 AM
been sick for awhile. like vomitouryourbrainscan'tgetoutofbed/offthetoilet sick.
computer's been down, too.
today i met jade and sarah and CLAIRE.
*sigh*.
she gave me the most gorgeous red carnation i've ever seen. EVER.
total, horrible crush. woah i'm blushing. badly.
way cuteness in a box, that one is.
i got a new ball for my tongue ring.
two bucks man. what a rip off.
i ate today. forget the fast.
i ate so much that i'm in pain.
a piece of pizza and two breadsticks. pain.
um.... that's all i think. i need to lay down. this promethazyne (which my mom MADE me take b/c i was so sick yesterday) is killllllllllllling me.
Princess
at 8:03 PM
holy hell jesus goat.
it says 88. my number.
i'm an idiot for putting in 16, i thought it said age for some reason. stupid.
obviously, it knew that because it put in 88 for me.
and slitting my wrists. four years from now would make me 21.
shiat.
that's when i was planning.
this thing holds all the secrets of the universe. BOW BEFORE IT!
Princess at 7:31 PM
this is the part where i write about how seriously i'm contemplating taking the rest of that promethazyne bottle and not waking up.
too many lectures that had to do with nothing from my parents. too many times kris punched me in the face and spit on me for being a loser.
i cried for the entire day.
i burned a few blisters onto my hand and wrist. just so i'd shut the fuck up. i kept staring at the orangeyblue flame, wanting to set my entire body on fire. but i know i shouldn't do that, because the rest of my house could catch on fire and i don't want anyone else to be in danger. i've fucked up everything for them enough already.
mom's at work.
haylee wrote me back but it was spaced funny and my contacts are all fucked up and so's my concentration so i coudln't read all of it. i have no response currently. i've had no responses to anything all day.
except crying uncontrollably.
i love burning.
the adrenaline is a bit much for my halfdead self at the moment, though.
today my mom hugged me and goes.. "you smell like vomit. why do you smell like vomit? have you thrown up?"
"not since last night."
"why did you throw up last night?"
*shrugs*.
il'm tearing myself up.
haylee, if you read this (which i doubt you will), i'm sorry i can't respond properly right now. i love you, you know that, and it can be over whenever. i'm not able to be myself right now. i'm sorry. i just suck huge assholes.
could i possibly be more lonely?
no.
Princess
at 12:17 AM
and i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. about all of it.
i can't even write it.
because no one will understand, i'm too conflicting.
and i hate feeling like the only thing i have to look forward to is dying.
i want to look forward to being happy, to getting better.
but it's been so many years that i know it's not going to happen.
know.
so all i have to look forward to is for all of this to be over.
how depressing.
i'm thinking about finding out how to privatize ths. the truth is that i do'nt really care if people know what i think or whatever, but i don't feel like everyone knowing how depressed i am. i'm afraid i might worry somebody.;lisdjzdslhgfdhgsldfhgxcuivhtgr,se;,.
Princess
at 5:11 PM
she was on the phone with my doctor's office talking about me and my appointment, and she goes..
oh, it's no big deal. she's fine. we could easily wait six months down the road.
i just want to die.
i'm so serious it hurts me.
i'm trying to do my shcolwork but all i can think about it wanting to peel off my face.
it's so gross, i hate this so hard.
god i hate crying like this.
i'm such a fucking loser.
Princess
at 5:08 PM
professional anxiety-
hurry up and scream like our wails mean
anything more than a few extra dollars to
the ones whose parents paid.
they attend to their cheery distance,
a slippery siren of a girl in training.
call her statuesque but know she's only really there
for their rape-
statutory or social, political.
when these limbs learn to move themselves,
i'll get up and walk my high-heeled legs
into my own fishnet cornered destiny.
strap on my arrival and come out with a bang,
lick the remnants of censorship off your media portals.
their quick hands, my pleated strength,
and all the mumbled "please don't"s in the world
couldn't be a better formula for those hot fulfilling moments
and the blink of a single eye.
call me delicious, call me a snatch,
but i'll still always call what you do to me rape.
*today's cheat*.
maybe i'll send it to xtian.
...hm.
Princess
at 5:15 AM
i always sign these off like i'm about to do something productive.
i'm not.
Princess
at 4:48 AM
oh make me over.
i'm so excited about this fast.
i'm going to be so pretty.
i WILL be so pretty, dammit, and everyone will HAVE TO LOVE ME. they won't have a choice.
and so will i.
this silly mentality of mine. *maybe if i make everyone else love me, i can do it too.* what a fucking idiot.
earlier, on indyhc, this kid made the greatest comment.
arguing over the internet is like running in the special olympics. even if you win.. you're still a retard.
for some reason cody pops into my mind with that, and his goofy laugh. he'd enjoy that quote.
BUT HE WON'T BE HEARING IT SINCE HE ISN'T FUCKING SPEAKING WITH ME ENOUGH.
;aldjnanvgaljdftlakerj. why am i not asleep? it's fucking 4:33 in the morning and i'm insane. in the membrane. that never ceases to entertain me quite thoroughly.
i had this spree of mature intelligence earlier. the way i always used to be. i guess i just keep giving myself up in one way or another, hoping that if i give enough i'll get something back and like it. if i just keep cutting pieces away from me, something newer and better will emerge, since everything i am is shit anyway.
this won't make sense to anyone else. at least i hope it won't.
i want pizza bagel bites. i haven't had one since i was maybe six. but they sound so damn good. there was pizza in the fridge earlier, but good girl me didn't eat it. just because i'm fasting DOES NOT mean i can binge before.
i only post my real secrets on here when i'm angry.
live through this with me i swear that i will die for you.
.. i think it's hole time with tasha. or aliceinwonderland or nightmarebeforexmas or fightclub or pulpfiction or breakfastattiffanys. something that will happify me or something. i'm so far from happy.
every time i sit down at this computer all i can think about it smashing my forehead against the ledge where the keyboard rests. this is not a good sign.
i am suffering a severe case of cunt itch this week. haha. i think because i can't stop thinking about it.
i don't really even want SEX. it's not about that. it's about him.
about his hair and his freckles and voice and everything else.
he says he tries to be less romantic to me, but i think it's a put on
because there's no other excuse to treat me like shit.
i'm so glad he doesn't read this.
Princess
at 4:39 AM
haylee started iming me earlier all shitty when lindsay intervened *thank god* and said:
i know why i love you.
it was great to hear. she said it was because i love her despite herself, and how i love everyone for something and don't stop for silly reasons or something like that. it was nice to have a compliment in this shit-thrown-in-yr-face weekend.
soooo she called me to tell me she loved me.
heaven.
h
e
a
v
e
n.
it was so gorgeous. we talked FOREVER. hours. just about everything we could think of.
like being on cloud 9 so hard. i needed to feel really and truly loved like that. and there, i had it. i had her, even if it was from so fucking far away. god i love her.
then, when i got off the phone, i realized there was this huge thing haylee sent while i was gone (and i realized today that if i'm away for like more than a few seconds, it automatically puts up the standard away message). so i sent her my response through email, trying to be clear or whatever, which is hard without being able to bold things or color them or separate them right. but oh well.
there's nothing i hate more than the i'mnotgoingtobeyourfriendanymore thing.
well, maybe there is. hypocrisy being one of them.
i redyed my bangs. i let kris help me. it was the cutest thing in the whole wide world. it was too messy for him, hahah. he finally took of his gloves with a scrunched up nose and said that he wanted to quit.
"not anymore until i'm six," he said.
"kris, you turn six next month."
"yeah, so i'll help you then."
hahahahha. he's so cute.
as soon as i wake up tomorrow, i'm calling cody and getting directions to his house. even though i can't really afford to drive there. oh well. he should bej getting his computer soon. i'll just start sending him lots of hate mail when he makes me mad, hahah.
i need to let my dogs in and such. love.
Princess
at 1:54 AM
oh tear my heart out tear my heart out.
i just love it when my friends are flaky.
i just LOVE the way i walk around and kiss everyone's pretty little asses when they need it because oh, they're sad or whatever. catering to everyone's needs.
all i wanted was ONE DAY of being a bitch like she is EVERY SINGLE DAY.
but oh dearest god, how dare i ask for something like that?! it's not like anything upsetting was going on for me, or like i ever have the right to say what iiiiiiii actually feel about something.
don't fucking say you want to hear my opinions anymore. because you DONT.
you want to be where jenn is? only if you put yourself there. so have fun doing it, if that's waht you want.
and it's always nice to know that NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIENDS CARE ABOUT YOU. IT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT, BUT I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW SINCE I DON'T PULL THAT SHIT ON YOU, NOW WOULD YOU? hm. i guess not.
i need to go throw up some more.
Princess
at 10:03 PM
ewww i feel sick.
oh so sick.
i can't wait to vomit after i eat.. i 'll feel so damn much better.
speaking of which, my fast is being cut down to monday at 4 to friday at 4. a girl in one of my communities is fasting from then to then and wanted a buddy, so i'll be joining her in that.
if it goes well, i'll keep going. if it doesn't, i'll take a break before i keep going.
carson was a little weirding me out tonight at the vineyard. i hope he was ok. i took bobbi, it was great seeing her. i wanted to go get my hc cd from haylee's house because i need it so baad right now to calm me down, but after bob told me that haylee left a comment back to me in her journal, i decided i'd rather see it first. so yeah i left one back. eep.
it felt so good to just be hugged tonight. to feel loved. i hate feeling unloved the way i do most the time. i really think that's what a lot of my problems come from. i suck ass.
bobbi and bobby and ruben and carson and jonthn hugs=my best friends.
i have three meatless tacos waiting for me downstairs. mmmmmmmmmm.
so i must go tend to those. and find an armwarmer because it is too damn hot to wear long sleeves in here.
Princess
at 9:29 PM
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by ggglittersoresss
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Naptown Fats
Hating:
Not getting laid (someone do something about this quickly, please)
Not getting calls back from people who I really wanna hear from.
Anxiety attacks (they are very rare for me these days but today I seem to be pretty high strung for some reason)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
damn. i forgot to list all that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe it would help if I called you up, had you come over, gave you a xanax and fucked the hell out of you?
Hahahha! I know that would help me!
*
my adventures at the indy hardcore board. hahahhahaha.
Princess
at 6:17 PM
everything is weird.
hey, that's a daisy chainsaw slogan. haha. i forgot about that.
Princess
at 5:09 PM
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
uhhhhhh.....
i have a line of people who will disagree.
except cory. who's coming over right now.
Princess
at 1:16 AM
go fuck yourself you fucknut.
Princess
at 1:13 AM
your fuck.
What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Princess
at 1:13 AM
Lonliness dominates you. You can hide it well, but
its there, and your friends can see it. You
constantly feel alone, and need to do things to
fill your time. Your afraid to tell people
this, but sooner or later it gets out in a bad
way, and you think you screwed up everything.
And when you are in love is when you are sad
the most. (Please Vote)
What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla
"and when you are in love you are sad the most."
damn.
Princess
at 12:59 AM
you are the fattest person in the world. you strive
to get to the buffet line first and wiil do
anything to get there. you have everyones first
and second servings at breakfast brunch lunch
and dinner. i suggest you calm down and start
appreciating food, not devouring it like a
hungry beats ready to kill.
......ARE YOU FAT?.....
brought to you by Quizilla
Princess
at 12:40 AM
Masochist
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
alskdjfajsdbf.
Princess
at 12:17 AM
i fucking hate myself.
i need my goddamn hardcore cd, it's the only thing that could save me right now that i could really ask for.
i don't deserve it.
i don't deserve shit.
i'm going to go throw up, the fast is officially started.
rules will be set in stone tomorrow.
twenty eight day minimum.
Princess
at 11:27 PM
i hate her.
i bet their conversation was just lovely, just lovely. a full span of perhaps the time i spent bawling that he wasn't able to call. but who was i fooling?
it was all that time, all those moments or seconds and minutes and hours, that he was hers and not mine. i could scream, just scream. i can picture them together for all those seconds and minutes and hours, breathing the same air and doing so heavily. heavy in all the ways i'm tied down, weighted with this thick concrete heart. heavier than this feeling, this blood, these thoughts or emotions or phonecalls and always more penetrating than my words, obviously.
it's all about my body, so picturesque and not my thoughts and emotions and phonecalls like it must be between them. all about those long eyelashes, and not the long length of depth that everyone else in the world must be sharing but me. since we all know i'm so damn immature, so fucking elasticized in this bubble of everything opposite of maturity.
i know that it's wrong, i'm wrong. because i knwo that i'm never right. but it isn't shutting me up, it isn't blocking this emotion of phonecall the way i'll have to block my number to ever call him in the first place. big boobs do not equal big entertainment from afar the way they must from two feet away.
and i'm laying, just begging to convince myself that none of it was ever true in the first place and that it really is all my fault. because i hate being mad, i hate harboring these feelings and i'm laying and begging to let these ships out to sail. ship away everything that has ever happened to me.
somewhere between that razor and the weights and his skin and the phone calls and ships and emotional moments i rip to shreds whatever it is i picture as being the cause. but we all know that i'm always wrong, always ripping apart the wrong root and killing things like innocent trees or animals.
i think back to the gun on the coffee table and the second the words hit me with an impact so oddly soft but shaking. so impactful that they could rip the house from the ground, the gun from the table and fire a round into every nook and cranny available. i sighed after him and just wondered in what order he delivered the phone calls, anyway, and if i was first or first before her. or if i'd even come yet.
i never come to be the first, or first to realize what the hell is going on with me and everyone else.
and firstly and lastly, i hate her again.
especially the blood dripping down her arms that doesn't belong to her at all.
Princess
at 5:24 PM
he isn't coming.
i used his jacket to wipe up the blood. that bastard deserves it, not me. not me.
UGLY.
UGLY.
Princess
at 5:10 PM
i'm waiting on cody to call/come.
nothing so far.
i have to leave in a half hour.
i'm going to cry if he does'nt call before then.
i want to die right now.
Princess
at 3:59 PM
i'm totally stoned right now.
kinda freaking out.
i think i'm having seizures.
i don't think i'll do this again for quite some time.
i'm burning the same thing over and over in my arm, to feel. it tickles. it looks gross.
i do'nt know if it'll look very bad, i hope not. i don't thimk it will,l this lighter sucks way bad.
craziest feeling ever.
i'm listening to bitch and animal. i dld a bunch on monica's comp.
it's crazy sounding.
we went to the emerson earlier, it waws so fun. then to mcdonalds, mmm. then we took a street sign. thne we went to my house and then came here.
i was having panic attacks though. that sucked.
i wanted haylee to be there. i thought about her the whole time.
twelve hours until cody! i've been counting down. what a nerd.
i am trying tro find a safety pin to pierce my lip. i know that would be a bad idea, bu ti want more pain right now. maybe i'll just do it with a tack.
my arm tickles.
i don't think i have anyting else to say.
i love you computer.
Princess
at 3:29 AM
help me if you can...
narcissistic drama queen.
it's raining today, and i couldn't enjoy it more. mmmmm. i love rain.
24 hours till cody. EEEEEEEEEEE! i couldn't be more excited. it makes me want to take a shower!
god. the word just makes me think about it... shower with him=the most amazing thing EVER. mmmmm. i had more dreams about that last night. it was beautiful.
Princess
at 4:30 PM
i forgot to write about carson giving me a carnation on sunday. i felt so special. like woah.
i met momma's boy today. he was adorable. i approve.
i love my tongue piercing.
39 hours to cody. i can't wait.
he called me today. mm.
i told haylee last night that all i wanted to do was cut a rectangular layer of skin off the top of my arm and stick it to something like a bumper sticker. she was actually disgusted. haha. i'm nuts.
i'm tyring to find a date to the emerson tomorrow. indyhardcore benefit, so my ass better be there.
;alkdjf;alkdjfzs;ldkfj aanything else is what i CANT think of right now. oh and this guy is the sweetest guy in the whole world. even though he totally has the wrong idea about me.
ClownFreak443556: i swear.. your like my Goddess
*
ggglittersoresss: i'm not that great honey.
ClownFreak443556: true.. your not... your way greater
i wish i was that awesome.
but when will that happen....?
NEVER! N-N-N-N-NEVVVVVVVVVVVER!
Princess
at 12:19 AM
LAYER ONE: basics
Name: tyler lanee douglass. soon to be bettie lanee tyler.
Birth date: september26,1987.
Birthplace: beech grove, in.
Current Location: indianapolis, in.
Eye Color: bluegreengray.
Hair Color: brown-blonde-pink.
Height: five two and three quarters.
Righty or Lefty: right-handed.
Zodiac Sign: LIBRA. yay.
LAYER TWO: On The Inside
Your heritage: german-irish-scottish-euromutt.
Shoes you wore today: canvas combat boots.
Your weakness: too many to name. myself.
Your fears: spiders.thedark.abandonment.crowds.etc.
Your perfect pizza: mushroom and onion.
Goal you'd like to achieve: getting down to 100lbs.
LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your most overused phrase on AIM: CANCEL.
Your thoughts first waking up: GODDAMMIT I FEEL LIKE HELL.
Your best physical feature: piercings.
Your bedtime: I WISH.
LAYER FOUR: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: ewwww.
McDonald's or Burger King: burger king.
Single or group dates: depends on who i'm with. alone with big bird, that's for sure. MINE.
Adidas or Nike: i'm anti-brand.
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: i HATE tea unless it's raspberry.
Chocolate or vanilla: depends on what the item is.
Cappuccino or coffee: EW!
LAYER FIVE: Do You?
Smoke: no.
Cuss: yes.
Sing: constantly.
Take a shower everyday: not even close.
Have a crush(es): so, so, so many.
Like(d) high school: i hated it.
Want to get married: i don't know. no one can handle me well enough to marry, i think. cody said he would marry me, hah.
Believe in yourself: on good days..
Get motion sickness: only in cars and lord of the rings. weird.
Think you're attractive: no. some days, i think i'm really cute. but that's not very often.
Think you're a health freak: hypochondriac maybe.
Like thunderstorms: as long as i'm not alone. i LOVE rain always, though.
Play an instrument: tap shoes and voice.
LAYER SIX: In the past few months have you...
Drank alcohol: yeah.
Smoked: no.
Done a drug: yeah.
Made Out: i would die without mah kisssessssss.
Gone on a date: with bobbi and haylee..
Gone to the mall?: yeah.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: i wish!
Eaten sushi: EW.
Been on stage: yesss.
Been dumped: surprisingly, no.
Gone skating: nope. been invited, though.
Gone skinny dipping: not lately.. i need to fix that haha.
Dyed your hair: yeah.
Stolen anything: uhhh i think so.
Lied: probably.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: when am i not? haha.
Been called a tease: ALWAYS.
Gotten beaten up: no, i kick ass.
Shoplifted: mhm. eeeek.
LAYER EIGHT: Getting Older
Age you hope to be married: in the next eight minutes.
Numbers and Names of Children: for haylee.. NEVER! N-N-N-N-NEVER!
Describe your dream wedding: all my bridesmaids will be a disney princess. and my groom will wear a dress.
How do you want to die: bleeding to death in a bathtub.
What do you want to be when you grow up: i'm never growing up.
but i want to be a dominatrix, a cutter *err scarification artist*, a piercer, a writer, a singer, and an activist.
What country would you most like to visit: i can't pick. i want to travel europe and south america muchly though..
LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl?
Best eye color?: brown. big brown eyes. mmm.
Best hair color?: pink.
Short or long hair: depends. i like long hair muchly as long as it's well kept. and short spiky hair, too.
Height: tall. TALL. TAAAALLLLLLL boys. girls not much bigger than me.
Build: skinny. SKINNY. SKIIIIIIINNNNYYYYYYY boys. girls with hourglass figures, or who look comfortable in their skin.
Best first date location: some place random.
LAYER TEN: In The Numbers...
Number of people I could trust with my life: i overtrust. the only person i know for sure would do ANYTHING- no matter how outrageous- for me is cory. i can trust him with anything.
Number of CDs that I own: noooooo idea.
Number of piercings: six.
Number of tattoos: none yet. ask again in a few weeks, haha.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: a few.
Number of scars on my body: too many to count.
Number of things in my past that I regret: i try to regret nothing.
Princess
at 12:13 AM
i like boys who sit and pee. heh.
i dont like myself much right now.
my mom just saw my back.
Princess
at 1:28 PM
ggglittersoresss: i hate my mood swings
ggglittersoresss: i hate cody not being here
ggglittersoresss: i hate the way things were between me and hya today
ggglittersoresss: i hated my program
ggglittersoresss: i hate myself
ggglittersoresss: i hate fat
ggglittersoresss: i hate other people
ggglittersoresss: i hate feeling this way
ggglittersoresss: i hate feeling fat
ggglittersoresss: i hate having an eating disorder.
ggglittersoresss: i hate having mental disorders.
ggglittersoresss: i hate my chronic insomnia.
ggglittersoresss: i hate not having medicine.
ggglittersoresss: i hate feeling like the only thing that i want is drugs that'll knock me out so i don't have to feel.
ggglittersoresss: i hate hurting myself.
ggglittersoresss: i hate seeing.
ggglittersoresss: i hate talking.
ggglittersoresss: i hate listening.
ggglittersoresss: i hate my clothes.
ggglittersoresss: i hate laundry.
ggglittersoresss: i hate moving.
ggglittersoresss: i hate lethargy.
Princess
at 11:10 PM
boiling a pot of water and dipping in a cloth and sticking it on my arm. will it burn?
details at 10.
Princess
at 9:16 PM
i hate everything that isn't cody right now.
everything.
yes, you too.
Princess
at 9:15 PM
is suck.
i want to cut.
i'm scared.
Princess
at 9:14 PM
today has just sucked miserably.
he called me right after we left for fazolis and wont fucking answer again.
i miss him so bad. no one understands. and then i read bobbi's bloop and it's like oh no one understands how i miss him blahblhablah and i just.. it upsets me because she freaking just saw him last week, and he still freaking calls her dammit. and THEY AREN'T GROUNDED FROM EACHOTHER. oh and lucky fucking me for having a car. nevermind the fact that my mom is way stricter and i can't drive it there alone. and i'm NOT TAKING ANYONE WITH ME WHEN I CAN SEE HIM EVER. minemineminemienmine. i want him all to myself for awhile the next time i see him. nobody else. and also for awhile after.
i'm crying like an idiot. i couldn't cry onstage today- which went fucking awful by the way- but i can cry because i missed his phonecall. or i can cry because i miss him like hell and would give anything to just see him for a second. just see him drive by in his car. just get one of those ohyou'resomuchmoreimportantthaneveryoneelseinthisplace messages. i'm going insane without him.
at least bob has this long list of people she says make next to everything better.
he's it for me.
yeah, haylee helps so much. she's amazing. uh-maze-ing. and bob herself helps me so bad. eer good.
but nothing- NOTHING- can help me how cody does.
not a thing.
today's presentation was awful. awful.
i'm trying to prepare and my mom wouldn't leave me alone, trying to be all jokey. but i just needed to be left alone to prepare to cry. and she wouldn't listen and that was annoying, yeah and then it totally ruined my performance. not to mention that i asked her to bring the videotaper so that i could review and critique my presentation and she missed my entire performance. oh yeah, she got the stupid play that i didn't even want on the tape- and everything from stupid jonathan so she could laugh at it- but not my thing. adljal;knvos;ijeingfa. and haylee didn't show up. which i understand isn't her fault if her mom said no, but it upset me for two reasons. the first being that she had to do a powerpoint project tonight, when she was at home all day yesterday and didn't do it. the second being that i asked her to come literally weeks ago and had asked her a few times since then, but she didn't ask her mom about it till today. so yeah.
i went to mike today. he sent a reccomendation to rick beardsley- who's spossedly my new doctor- for another antidepressant and sleep aid. i better fucking get something. i know that's selfish of me but i'm so goddamn tired of not sleeping right and being miserable. TIRED OF IT.
after the appt, my mom and i went to panera and burlington coat factory. and somewhere else that i can't remember right now. anyway. at burlington, i got some shoes for the neon nights dance that haylee said she'd take me to. l they're tiny 6 1/2s. and i bought a really pretty skirt that's pink and black stripey and comfty. and i tried on other stuff andn decided i'm so much more fat than i thought i was, holy fuck. what a cow. it's time for an outrageous diet plan, heh.
i need to do laundry. but i want to sleep.
just fucking kill me.
Princess
at 8:41 PM
ggglittersoresss: i feel you.
x love her madly: and i like it when you feel me.
x love her madly: up.
x love her madly: ha.
ggglittersoresss: HAHA
ggglittersoresss: i lov eyou
x love her madly: and i you, sir.
ggglittersoresss: and i like to feel you up.
ggglittersoresss: *wink*
x love her madly: i bet i like it more than you like doing it.
ggglittersoresss: no wayyyyyyy
x love her madly: you have no idea, dude.
ggglittersoresss: if i ever in my entire life get to feel you up, i will be in utopia.
x love her madly: hahahahah!
ggglittersoresss: complete and blind utter paradise.
xloveher MAD ly: hahahah, i totally have to fucking piss now.
ggglittersoresss: good. i love you.
Princess
at 8:27 PM
1. Current Height: five two and three quarters.
2. Current Weight: 125.
3. Current BMI: no idea.
4. Lowest weight at current height: 116.
5. Highest weight at current height: 160.
6. Pants size: 5-7.
7. Top size: md, usually. damn my boobs.
8. Have you ever been diagnosed with an eating disorder? yeah.
9. How often do you weigh yourself? too often.
10. Have you cried after weighing yourself/trying on clothes? constantly.
1. If you could change any body part(s), what would you choose? stomach. thighs. arms. ass. backfact. thicker hair. and i want pointy hipbones.
2. What body type do you have: hourglass.
3. How happy would you say you are with your body as it is right at this moment? I HATE IT.
4. Have you been made fun of because of your weight? yeah. the worst ever was when i lived in WI, and i instantly got so heavy from quitting dance. when nancy heard i was anorexic, she goes, "YEAH RIGHT! SHE'S WAY TOO FAT!."
5. Did it contribute to how you feel about yourself now? yeah.
6. Does it take you a long time to find something that looks halfway decent on you? mhm. i go through a ton of stuff when i'm trying to look halfway decent. everything emphasizes my boobs and makes me look even fatter.
7. If you could snap your fingers and make yourself any weight, what number would you choose? 84.
8. What celebrity, in your opinion, has the perfect body? xtina.
9. Other than physical appearance, how do you feel about yourself? sometimes i love myself. sometimes i hate myself.
10. Do you think you'd be happier about yourself if you were comfortabe with your weight? YES.
Choose: The "perfect" body or inner peace? if you have inner peace, physicality can go right out the window.
i feel so fat today that i'm scared to leave the house.
i'm going to starve today. tomorrow, i'm allowed to eat half a subway sandwich because i'm craving that so hard rihgt now. but that's it.
Princess
at 7:01 PM
last night's dream:
i'm taking haylee to school in the morning, yet it's quite dark out. i'm driving a nice SUV, and she has all of her things. we pull up perpendicular to another SUV full of boys i went to school with in beech grove, when i kiss her and let her out. a policeman walks up, inspecting me as to why i'm not going into the school. he starts to paw through the things she left in my car: some posters, a trash bag full of laundry, and her change of clothes from the day before in a wet seal bag. he and i begin to talk as he loses suspicion in a friendly manner. suddenly, the parking lot is empty, and he asks to see my room, which is through the door on our left. we go in, and he examines all sorts of collages i have on my walls and talks to me about various things on them. the longer we talk, the more he morphs in to the typical picture of a skinny, wrinkly, thin-haired white trash representative. we begin talking about my tongue piercing, and where i want to get tattoos (behind my ears). he pulls up his arm to reveal huge patches of skin bubbling off putridly, apparently a sleeve he is having removed. "it hurts like hell" he comments. and then i look down to his hand and realize it's missing. the stump is incorrectly healed, showing layer upon layer of flaky and twisted skin, frayed and swirly. i'm so horrified, but don't want to embarrass him, so i don't ask. i'm laying on my bed when he comes and sits next to me, my mom laying on my floor behind my metal cabinet. as i'm staring at my work on the cabinet, and my work all over the walls, i feel his disgusting stump start to edge up my hip. i gasp in realization that i'm being fondled by a decapitated hand and sexually harrassed by a police officer, and try to move so he'll stop. but he doesn't.
that's the last thing i remember until i woke up startled and breathing heavily.
just love my dreams.
haylee spent the night last night. we worked on her homework, my makeup work, her project. we bought fazoli's. we laughed and laughed, and talked about our tongue rings. she gave me some of her dad's perscription muscle relaxers. around 11, i couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. so we went to bed watching family guy, laying next to eachother the way we love to. i fell asleep instantly. around 2, i woke up and turned off the tv, put in my jewel cd, and craved another soda. after quite some time of staring at the ceiling, i wandered in to the hall and worked on science. when my mom came out of her room and headed downstairs because she couldn't sleep, i joined her and grabbed an orange soda. at maybe 4:30 i went back up to haylee. she was slightly awake. i just laid next to her, playing with her hair and hugging her when she jolted until the alarm went off. she's so so so so beautiful. i love sleeping with her.
somehow, we ended up laying in bed until 6:45, when my mom came in and said something about it being almost 7. we laughed, and haylee said "if you're late, you're late." i love how she didn't care at all. we went downstairs after she was dressed and ready and finished her math project. when we finished, she had some pizza and we laughed about nothing at all.
i think we left for school at 9:20.
on the way there, she said, "let's get lost more often." i laughed. we really should, and so we will. even if it pumps me flat broke. i love being lost with her.
i found a button that says "BOBO: future cancer survivor" and features a bald smiling infant with a too-large head. it's my new best friend.
today's goals are:
*laundry: most of mine and all of haylee's.
*schoolwork: get everything updated to AT LEAST a week ago. (shoot for yesterday)
*drama: half-memorize lines for play, practice monologue, tape self and replay.
*art: play with concepts.
*go to dave's little everything store.
*see cody or plan a date to see cody.
*begin cleaning room.
*find a ball for my tongue ring, since i dropped mine somewhere.
i'm starting to wonder if haylee's tongue is infected. it hurts her terribly. eeeek.
lindsay lindsay lindsay. she likes it when i call her by name. hah.
i should call my dad. but will i? stay tuned for the next edition of
PETTY DETAILS OF A LOSER GIRL.
Princess
at 10:04 AM
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Add a fortune to your website or blog, click here. |
well then.
Princess at 3:43 AM
i finally took out the damn barbell. UGH. i put in a pretty purple ring. my mom will be able to see it.
so maybe tomorrow while she's asleep i'll go to the mall and get a smaller one. hahaha.
Princess
at 1:42 AM
OMG I WEIGH 125!!!!!!!
see, i was refusing to weigh myself because i just KNEW i'd gained weight, and then my mom was in her bathroom and she goes i'm so fat and i was like me too bia and she was like whatev and i was like check this out and stepped on the scale.. and i'm 20 pounds lighter than i thought, haha.
YES!
Princess
at 4:50 PM
my big fear, as a writer, is that everything i write will sound the same to those that read it.
kris and i were playing downstairs, and he told me how he didn't like seeing haunted mansion yesterday because it was too scary. which i couldn't help but laugh at, seeing as how nightmare on elm street is one of his favorite movies. i picked him up, tickling, and promised him that i'll watch his next scary movies with him because they're less scary when i'm there to hold his hand. he giggled wildly as i poked at his knees and tummy.
"i promise, i'll protect you from eeeeeeeeverthing!" i laughed. "i'll bite all the scary monsters for you. and if you fall and get hurt, i'll beat the ground with a stick. and if there's ever a girl that breaks your little heart, i'll kick her butt. and if your friends ever betray you, i'll rip out their spleens and make them eat it. and if you ever do anything to hurt yourself, i'll gouge out your eyes with hot pokers. because i LOVE you, baaaaaaaabbyyyyyyyy!"
we laughed and laughed, and he kissed me and said i was his favorite princess. i love my little brother more than ...jones soda.
and then there's brandon. *sigh*. he's in the next room babbling to his video games.
"TUSCADOO!" he shrieks, eyes bulging out of his head. he's so intense with those games. i'm afraid he'll break his thumbs again.
i don't know what i'm going to do with brandon. i guess with a childhood like ours, there's just no proper reform, heh. we'll both be screwed up for the rest of our lives. i can see him in the future, 40 years old and living in my parents' basement. attending weekly christian ex-gay support groups, with some sort of low-difficulty tasking job, spending all of his spare time down in that reeking basement playing wrestling games. and smelling terribly. i'm so scared for him, poor kid. i guess.. if that's what makes him happy though, then so be it.
i'm so sleepy.
youth group starts in three hours. i think i'll get dressed and call haylee. she said she wanted to go to border's before church. which is a'ok with me.
i love her so hard.
SO hard.
Princess
at 3:58 PM
cory and i had a lot of fun last night being goofballs.
just catching up on things and watching lion king 1 1/2 and whatnot. he's totally grossed out by my leg hair. but by the time the night was over, he must've thought i was gorgeous, heh. i love him way hard.
i think i'm giong to go read.
i was a teenage dominatrix! great book.
and also, i love bobbi. poor doll.
Princess
at 2:05 PM
took a shower and bath. shaved my cunt. and NOT my legs. because i refuse. haha.
and i listened to jewel's "pieces of you" all the while. i truly love this cd. i think it was the first cd i really and truly fell in love with, in fourth grade.
jerry gave it to me for valentine's day, since mine has been missing for some time now. i found it last night, but i won't tell him. it meant so much that he remembered. we were sitting in the car one day awhile back when "who will save your soul" came on, and i said how much i missed this cd. i feel so special.
Cory1571: whats up?
ggglittersoresss: just got out of the shower/bath
ggglittersoresss: listening to jewelj
ggglittersoresss: contemplating life
ggglittersoresss: trying to get my lighter to work since i desperately want candle
ggglittersoresss: s
Cory1571: fun
Cory1571: guess what i did last night
ggglittersoresss: threw up
the morning song was always my very favorite. when we went on our two week colorado camping trip, kim brought it (and only it). every single morning we listened to this song repeatedly. and several times throughout the day. perfect song to play in the mountains.
life, i'm gonna give you some more.
let the phone ring, let's go back to sleep.
well. i'm going to watch lion king 1 1/2 and maybe have cory over for a late night pow wow, like we used to.
heh.
love, night.
Princess
at 1:33 AM
forever's gonna start tonight.
crazy night with hay. here is um.. a short list of the things we encountered on our adventure (being lost for two hours downtown).
hnrstrwbRRy 32: spitting coke out of my nose
ggglittersoresss: that lady.
ggglittersoresss: the one in her car.
ggglittersoresss: the eyeliner lady.
ggglittersoresss: the thirsty turtle.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the street race
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the cop
ggglittersoresss: the people in mcdonalds
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "JUST KEEP GOING STRAIGHT"
ggglittersoresss: the jaro
hnrstrwbRRy 32: ...the ELEVATOR
ggglittersoresss: the "is there a lot of weed in jamaica?"
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the sin-upon
ggglittersoresss: the RED LIGHT RED LIGHT
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the scary escalators
ggglittersoresss: the dont-look-at-my-boyfriend girl
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "some ppl and their clothes these days" fucker.
ggglittersoresss: the rolling down the windows and turning on the heat.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "oh shit we're gonna die" over & over & over....
ggglittersoresss: the "right- no left- no, RIGHT!"
ggglittersoresss: the dead cat.
ggglittersoresss: the "this water looks familiar"
hnrstrwbRRy 32: i thin ki was a dog right?
ggglittersoresss: cat, hahaha
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the parking meter?
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the shutting the doors on ppl in the elevator
hnrstrwbRRy 32: and laugihng.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: hahahaa the rear view mirror
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the curbs...oh the curbs.
ggglittersoresss: the search for meridian
ggglittersoresss: CAPITOL AVE
ggglittersoresss: the "do you know anything about these number streets?"
ggglittersoresss: the taxi guys
ggglittersoresss: those people standing outside that one store humping eachother
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the black man who blended in with the background, along with the red lights of course sinc eit was so red outside.
ggglittersoresss: the "if i was smoking dope, i don't think i would tell my parents"
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the spanish ppl....EVERYWHERE
ggglittersoresss: the GREAT BIG DILDO
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the mysterious scary dark doors
ggglittersoresss: the mullet lady in the elevator
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the guy that almost hit you in the face
ggglittersoresss: the "AND I NEED YOU NOW TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT"
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the also "AND I NEED YOUMORE THAN EVER!"
ggglittersoresss: and then not knowing the next line.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "OMG IT'S BARBIE"
ggglittersoresss: the "that was real clever"
ggglittersoresss: the scary white express
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "oh i've heard of south street before"
ggglittersoresss: the honking under the bridge
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the blanket we ran over
hnrstrwbRRy 32: or something we ran over...
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the almost turning on so many one ways
ggglittersoresss: the way my car was DIAGONALLY WEDGED IN FRONT OF TRAFFIC
ggglittersoresss: several times
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the under speed limit driving
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the highway.
ggglittersoresss: the straw.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the little niglet "cedrick"
hnrstrwbRRy 32: the "taste this"
ggglittersoresss: the rubbernecker
Princess
at 12:22 AM
i want you to ridicule, want you to tsk.
i beg you to tear me up in little bits.
i ask you to criticize, size me up well.
call me a slut on her way straight to hell.
i'm easy, i'm sleazy, i whore myself off fine.
immature, hypocritical, committed only to crime.
whisper on as i walk by and label me a tramp.
i couldn't be any happier to be a hateful vamp.
i'm begging you to ridicule, i'm desperate for your TSK.
what kind of psycho would i be if i didn't take that risk?
Princess
at 3:18 PM
I FUCKING HATE STUPID MUSHYLOVE DAY!
HATE IT HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!
FUCK TODAY!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
in other news, cody's phone has been disconnected.
i want him. mine mine mine mine. now.
Princess
at 3:10 PM
She lost all her innocence
Gave it to an abscess
She lost all her innocence
She said, "I am not a feminist"
slutkiss girl.
Princess
at 1:59 AM
today was a good day.
i woke up at 2:30 to haylee calling me because becky left her stranded at school. so i picked her up, went back to her house, went to fazoli's, and back to her place again. OH! she pierced her tongue web, too. we're such twins, haha. excuse me. PARTNERS IN DEVIOUSNESS.
jonthn sent her the roses today. they're bee-you-tee-full.
and she and i totally made out before i left, to see what it felt like with our tongue things. except that it's really just a good excuse to kiss her.
i had to leave at like 5:15 because i had to get ready TO SEE CATS! it was great man. i even got a new cats shirt which is way rockin.
except that my brothers just HAD to fight all the way through it and annoy me and we were in the middle of the room and agh. for some reason lately, i've just been so annoyed with everything. so yeah. anxiety is dumb.
now that i have this thing in my mouth, i don't want to eat. YAY! becuase i never get hungry, i just like to have food in my mouth all the time. but now that this little thing is in there, it's like eww i don't want to eat. YAY ON THE CUTDOWN OF FOOD INTAKE!
i guess jenn told a bunch of people at school about our "fight". and was all pissy because i "posted it on the internet". but for some reason saying "the internet" seems so much more harsh than "putting it in her useless blog". because this thing is seriously useless. i put everything in here. EVERYTHING. haha. anyway, i'm blown away by all the maturity she's shown.
i had a conversation with haylee in the car about it today. we laughed.
i need to get working on the project i'm.. uh, working on. haha.
maybe i'll write more later.
Princess
at 12:27 AM
*yawns*
well. before i go to bed.. UPDATE!
i pierced my tongue web (the underside thingy of the tongue, haha) today. twas a bitch to try to get the rings through but honestly, i love it so hard more than anything. it's kinda crooked, haha, but it still looks great. i have a little curved barbell in it now with pink glittery balls on the end. mmmmm.
cody and xtian really upset me today being assfaces, so i went to haylo's to calm down. he called me there too, and i just yelled for awhile. UGH. anyway. oooooh i kissed her today and it was way amazing. like heaven and three quarters.
we did geometry and watched porn. and some racecar thing that i tried really hard to not laugh at. it didn't work. i suck.
i feel so risque with this tongue piercing, hahha. anyway. maybe i'll write about the rest of the day later.
it's sleepy time with tash.
Princess
at 1:18 AM
OH YEAH I FORGOT!
i'm ruben's anti-valentine. because valentine's day deserves to die.
hah.
Princess
at 4:55 AM
we went to the mall, where kris bought a bobby lebonte car and a hamtaro notebook and brandon got some cheat book for his game. it was fun, i really like playing with my brothers.
saw brendan at hot topic, which was great. i adore him so hard. and i told him jenn said he only talks to me out of sympathy, at which point he pretty much laughed. he said he talked to samm last night, and that he wanted to get ahold of me. maybe i'll call him tomorrow or something.
bobbi e-hugged me, it was just what i needed. i love her. HEY BOBBI, I LOVE YOU.
i'm worried about hay. she was really upset tonight, i guess she got into it with her mom again. eek. she promised me she wouldn't hurt herself or anything, thank god. i love her so hard, it just kills me to see her upset. she said i can call her tomorrow, and it's a half day so that'll be in like.. 6 hours. awesome.
i wish she knew how beautiful she is.
same goes for bobbi.
and lindsay, hah.
all of you kids.. you're fucking gorgeous.
i have THE PRETTIEST FRIENDS ever.
the pink is fading out of my hair.
my back is healing. so is my arm.
*yawn*. dentist appt went well this morning, though i felt like hell. and drama class was fine; i copied down my lines since i lost my script, but susie said that if i wanted, i could improv it. which i might do, it sounds like fun. the presentation is next week.
i update this thing waaay too much.
i'm wearing my ohsoshort wet seal shorts. they make me feel really damn adorable. and they make my legs look skinny. so i'm wearing them every single night now.. that way i'll go to sleep thinking i'm pretty and wake up that way too. that's gotta do something for me.
i try to replay that line in my head. the one about me possessing renaissance beauty. it's so good to hear, even if only from memory.
i've been wearing my glasses. weird.
i have this really awesome idea for a mixtape for *someone*. they're going to enjoy it, i hope. yayyyyyyness.
that's it, i believe. time to go to bed. err lay on the floor with tasha some more. heh.
love. night.
Princess
at 4:54 AM
have i ever written about how fruitball is the most gorgeousest thing i've ever seen?
oh, because SHE IS SO HARD.
*sigh*.
oh how i miss her.
i love you way hard, fruitball.
Princess
at 4:40 AM
Band = Too $hort.
1. Are you male or female?:
blow job betty.
2. Describe yourself:
punk bitch.
3. How do some people feel about you?:
couldn't be a better player.
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
mack attack.
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
can i get a bitch?
6. Where would you rather be?:
pimpandho.com
7. Describe what you want to be:
just like dope.
8. Describe how you live:
pimpology.
9. Describe how you love:
short but funky.
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
DON'T FUCK FOR FREE!
Princess
at 4:14 AM
**stolen from bob**
interesting.
Princess at 3:21 AM
nacissistic drama queen.
oh this load of self esteem
so heavy thick it's crushing me
just love the way you build up
the jokes and lies you little fuck
i shouldve kicked your ass when i had the chance
but me, i'm a sucker for your romance
i'm only here to hear your shit
i swear i don't feel one small bit
call me drama call me slut
call me fake psychotic nut
i'll be your scapegoat, pose me fine
criticize me back in liine
excuse me please for speaking out
i forgot that all i do is pout
next time, perfect, i'll kiss your ass
put myself back in the past
because that's all i can be to you
nevermind that you aren't true
we all know i'm the bad guy here
excuse me for forgetting, dear.
Princess
at 9:46 PM
i'm going to take cody's advice, dammit. UGH. he always knows what's best for me, but i never listen.
i talked to him on the phone. delish. he's going to try to call tomorrow.
hey. have i mentioned that i love him? man i bet that gets annoying to read. that's why no one should read this, haha.
i refused to shed a tear or heightened breath over her. my parents said that was it, and that i wasn't allowed to talk to her anymore. which i'm fine with.
kris and i are going to the mall and burger king. maybe brandon too, if he starts being nice.
so yeah. i'm going to go get dressed.
love.
Princess
at 7:15 PM
man i feel stupid. so damn stupid.
ggglittersoresss: jenn?
Lollipopdoodles: yes?
ggglittersoresss: why did you not answer me earlier?
Lollipopdoodles: i wasnt on earlier lol.
Lollipopdoodles: maybe it was alma
ggglittersoresss: ahhhhhhhh
ggglittersoresss: i asked when you were getting marrie
ggglittersoresss: d
Lollipopdoodles: june 25th
Lollipopdoodles: 2005
ggglittersoresss: rock out. bob told me it was going to be sooner, and that was awhile back, so i wonderedd.
Lollipopdoodles: yea
ggglittersoresss: how is school going?
ggglittersoresss: you better answserhonestly, madam.
Lollipopdoodles: wonderful
Lollipopdoodles: but extremely stressful
ggglittersoresss: yeah.
ggglittersoresss: stress..ew
Lollipopdoodles: i have all my friends back though
Lollipopdoodles: so its great
ggglittersoresss: yeah
ggglittersoresss: i b4t
ggglittersoresss: e
ggglittersoresss: you're missing someone, though.
Lollipopdoodles: yea
Lollipopdoodles: i met ricci
ggglittersoresss: isn't she just gorgeous?
Lollipopdoodles: or ricki
Lollipopdoodles: yea
Lollipopdoodles: she is
ggglittersoresss: ricci
Lollipopdoodles: shes really cool
Lollipopdoodles: i told her about the shoe situation
Lollipopdoodles: and she said she didnt even care
ggglittersoresss: yeah.
ggglittersoresss: ..do youmiss me?
Lollipopdoodles: of course
ggglittersoresss: no. not of course. i mean.. really.
ggglittersoresss: do you really miss me?
Lollipopdoodles: parts of you i do
Lollipopdoodles: some parts i dont
Lollipopdoodles: some parts i think i wouldve been halfway alive last year if we did without
ggglittersoresss: like?
Lollipopdoodles: like the drama
ggglittersoresss: you think that's my fautl?
Lollipopdoodles: well not all your fault
Lollipopdoodles: its just you say you hate drama
Lollipopdoodles: but your like...really dramatic. i dont know i dont want to affend you i m ean i love you.
Lollipopdoodles: you were my best friend in this whole world and i miss you like hell.
Lollipopdoodles: but i still cant stop feeling dirty about what we did..you know.
ggglittersoresss: hah. jenn, you're totally the same way. but i don't regret a single thing except being with john.
ggglittersoresss: and trusting your parentsl
Lollipopdoodles: yea i know
ggglittersoresss: the thing is. i know all about everything that happened to you after you left, you've told me all about it. but you have absolutely no idea what happened to me. and it really seems that you don't care. you doln't make the world's hugest effort to try to contact me or anything.. like on new year's, when you called. it was for haylee's number. not for me.
Lollipopdoodles: tyler
Lollipopdoodles: i do care
Lollipopdoodles: i just dont want the drama
Lollipopdoodles: i feel as if ive made improvements without you and im trying to keep it going.
ggglittersoresss: you're seriously the most dramatic person i know, jenn.
Lollipopdoodles: then you dont know yourself
Lollipopdoodles: and im not trying to be mean
Lollipopdoodles: and i do know what you went through
ggglittersoresss: and if you really think i'm all that bad for you.. then why in the world do you act so buddybuddy around me?
ggglittersoresss: no. you don't.
Lollipopdoodles: i..i dont know.
Lollipopdoodles: i feel as if i have to
Lollipopdoodles: maybe
Lollipopdoodles: i dont know
Lollipopdoodles: you didnt lose all of your, well our friends over me
ggglittersoresss: that's jank. i don't understand how you can just pick up and leave the person who cares more about you than anyone else in the whole world. i did nothikng but try for you jenn.
Lollipopdoodles: that wasnt my fault
ggglittersoresss: YES i did. i lost everyone.
ggglittersoresss: everyone.
ggglittersoresss: maybe it wasn't just your fault, i'm not blaming it on you.
Lollipopdoodles: tyler, you got them all back remember?
Lollipopdoodles: and then you lost them
ggglittersoresss: no. nothing is the same.
Lollipopdoodles: proving it had nothing to do with me
Lollipopdoodles: i know that
Lollipopdoodles: and i cant change that
ggglittersoresss: what are you talking about?
ggglittersoresss: i didn't get back and lose anyone.
Lollipopdoodles: yes you did, do you still talk to anyone?
Lollipopdoodles: i dont think so
Lollipopdoodles: maybe just haylee
ggglittersoresss: yes i do thanks
ggglittersoresss: i met haylee after you left. i talk to brendan and samm.
ggglittersoresss: and god i talked to eriq last week
ggglittersoresss: i talk to bobbi more than you do
ggglittersoresss: besides that. everyone's changed.
ggglittersoresss: straight edge eric is a pothead.
ggglittersoresss: john is someone totally different.
ggglittersoresss: everyone and everything went to hell.
ggglittersoresss: vannoyuing hates me and has no reason why.
Lollipopdoodles: brendan and sam
ggglittersoresss: and i never lost her to begin with.
Lollipopdoodles: ask them why they are buddybuddy with you
Lollipopdoodles: ask them
ggglittersoresss: what do you mean?
Lollipopdoodles: sympathy
ggglittersoresss: sympathy my fucking ass dude. brendan keeps trying to call me.
Lollipopdoodles: everyone i talk to says your overdramatic
Lollipopdoodles: and your fake panic attacks are getting old
ggglittersoresss: what do you think everyone says about you? and fuck that. i don't have fake panic attacks. that's the most rude and ridiculous thing i've ever heard.
Lollipopdoodles: and what do people say about me
ggglittersoresss: what makes you think antyhing about my panic now, anyway?
Lollipopdoodles: tell me tyler
ggglittersoresss: that you've changed for the worse.
Lollipopdoodles: who says that
ggglittersoresss: everyone.
Lollipopdoodles: names tyler
ggglittersoresss: you're someone totally different.
Lollipopdoodles: your not even friends with everyone
ggglittersoresss: yes i am.
Lollipopdoodles: well freakin yea
Lollipopdoodles: its called maturity
ggglittersoresss: HA!
ggglittersoresss: maturity. mature people don't instigate fights over the internet.
Lollipopdoodles: then why are you doing it
ggglittersoresss: HAHAHAHA
ggglittersoresss: that's just laughable jenn.
ggglittersoresss: laughable.
Lollipopdoodles: good im laughing too
ggglittersoresss: mature people stay true to their friends. which you have totally failed to do.
ggglittersoresss: not just to me, either.
ggglittersoresss: don't fool yourself into thinking that you're so much more mature, or high and mighty than everyone else.
ggglittersoresss: you know nothing about me jenn. nothing about what's happened to me, or who i am now. nothing. and obviously, you have a very twisted perspective about everything that's happened and that's going on.
ggglittersoresss: all i ever did was try for you. that's it. and you can blame everything on me. you can try to say i'm such a bad person or that i'm getting old. i don't care. because you're lying to yourself.
Lollipopdoodles: ive always been a liar.
Lollipopdoodles: and you are sooo old. yea.
Lollipopdoodles: we all get old tyler, it happens day to day
Lollipopdoodles: no one says ive changed for the worse
Lollipopdoodles: maybe just bobbi and i dont even care.
ggglittersoresss: step out of the box and listen.
ggglittersoresss: i'm not saying bobbi.
Lollipopdoodles: im trying to listen
Lollipopdoodles: then who damnit
Lollipopdoodles: id like to know
ggglittersoresss: i'm not going to start drama for other people. i don't do shit like that anymore.
Lollipopdoodles: im telling you my honest opinion.
Lollipopdoodles: anymore
Lollipopdoodles: when did that change.
ggglittersoresss: i didn't even start talking about people, or relaly to people until you came along. after i lost everything, i stopped talking again, until haylee.
ggglittersoresss: you think that i caused so much drama in your life, that i suddenly set off some sort of spark for everything to get so bad for you. but i'm just an easy scapegoat.
ggglittersoresss: and i should've trusted my instinct that your actions to try and tell me that you never wanted to leave, or wanted to still be friends with me was a joke. i should've just sat and listened to my real friends and not fooled myself into believing you.
ggglittersoresss: but that's it. i'm stupid, and i really and truly want to believe you, because i really and truly want to believe that you cared about me as much as i did about you all along.
Lollipopdoodles: whateve
Lollipopdoodles: girlfriend uh uh
Lollipopdoodles: i always cared about you
Lollipopdoodles: i still do
ggglittersoresss: you do a wonderful job of showing it. pff.
Lollipopdoodles: pff yourself
Lollipopdoodles: pff pff pff pff
ggglittersoresss: wow that's mature.
Lollipopdoodles: and you are?
Lollipopdoodles: woah im a zombie woah im a zombie
Lollipopdoodles: im a little french maid in heels i dont look like a slut
ggglittersoresss: what the hell are you talking about?
ggglittersoresss: that was sort of the point, halloween you know where you dress up.
ggglittersoresss: calling people sluts is SOO mature.
Lollipopdoodles: og
Lollipopdoodles: i meant god
Lollipopdoodles: lol
Lollipopdoodles: see im not even mad at you
Lollipopdoodles: or fighting with you
Lollipopdoodles: im laughing
Lollipopdoodles: lol
Lollipopdoodles: lol
Lollipopdoodles: cant you take constructive critisism
Lollipopdoodles: i love you man
ggglittersoresss: you're just mocking me. and that's such a great and friendly think to do.
Lollipopdoodles: im not
Lollipopdoodles: !
ggglittersoresss: i don't need your criticism, i didn't ask for it. i know i looked liek a slut, that was the point.
ggglittersoresss: you're calling me names.
Lollipopdoodles: i know poop
Lollipopdoodles: ok im not anymore
Lollipopdoodles: sorry ok
Lollipopdoodles: im not trying to fight with you ok
ggglittersoresss: no, it's not ok. none of this is ok with me. i'm sorry that i don't think all of this is a big joke.
Lollipopdoodles: im just trying to tell you how i feel
ggglittersoresss: by calling me a slut. and using me as a scapegoat.
ggglittersoresss: there are more mature ways of stating it.
ggglittersoresss: YOU should know that.
Lollipopdoodles: uh oh now your gonna go tell your mom and then shes gonna call mine and then your gonna go cry and have another panic attack
Lollipopdoodles: maybe even a "psycho" attack
Lollipopdoodles: even though those dont exsist
ggglittersoresss: you're so fucking immature.
Lollipopdoodles: bye tyler
Lollipopdoodles: i will alwys love you and miss you
Lollipopdoodles: but i cant take this right now
Lollipopdoodles: im sorry
ggglittersoresss: keep lying.
Lollipopdoodles: fine
Lollipopdoodles: i will
Lollipopdoodles: i hate you
ggglittersoresss: go on, drama queen. have fun making fun of me.
ggglittersoresss: good.
Lollipopdoodles: theres a lie
Lollipopdoodles: i was lying!
Lollipopdoodles: whateve
Lollipopdoodles: bye
ggglittersoresss: i hate what you've become jenn.
Lollipopdoodles: sorry.
Lollipopdoodles: bye
Lollipopdoodles signed off at 6:12:55 PM.
Princess
at 6:18 PM
well.
i've been lethargic. today i had a lesson with kim at 1 which consisted of cutting paper. then i layed around until 5 something. i drove to haylee's to "study", which was actually really awesome. just laying with her can totally make me feel better. i love her so hard.
it's 3.33. my wish is to ................. *i can't tell you or it won't come true*.
i want haylee to be with me now. i want to cuddle with her and sleep.. i sleep so well with her. gah.
last night my mom realized i was nuts. it was a pretty upsetting ordeal.
basically, she came home and realized i had rented dahmer. she called him a freak, and i said i was a freak, too, and that killers are people too. she got really mad and.. well. here are some things i got to hear.
"you're posessed!"
"are you trying to make yourself MORE psycho?"
"you just need to be locked away."
she couldn't understand why i was bawling my eyes out. she told me i was making it up. nevermind the fact that for a year and a half i can't stop all this ness in my head. it's my fault, i'm making myself insane. and i need to be locked up. i cried for hours.
i sit around and repeat to myself. i'm NOT crazy. i'm NOT crazy. and i cry to her.. i feel so crazy. "you're not crazy, shut up," she says. until she realizes the slightest, most minor thing. and suddenly, she more than agrees. PSYCHOS R US. i could just die.
she told me that she's going to start checking me again. and that if i had one single mark on my body, she was selling my car. so i had to tell her about the relapse. how embarrassing. how. embarrassing. nevermind the fact that cody left a huge fucking gash in my back, or that he cut up my chest. nevermind. godgodgod.
i hate feeling crazy.
even if it's true.
i hate this feeling.
i hate so much. it's wrong.
anyway. eventually things calmed down, and i explained to her how i've been talking to mike about this for a long time.
i also talked to her about medication, and how i really think i need some for my insomnia.
and truth be told, i need more something for my mental health.
i miss cody. i need cody. i want cody.
i worry about him.
nikki and i had an uplifting conversation about cookies and tents and the hairytoeguy and hating on valentine's day. i feel a lot better now that i've talked to her. we're going to eat cookies in tents soon.
i showered earlier. and i feel very cute now. i just had another moment of looking in the mirror and thinking i was cute. it's these short shorts, i think. haha.
i have a dentist appointment in four hours. sooo i guess i'll go give sleeping another try.
night, love.
Princess
at 3:52 AM
boredom.
Bondage Bear
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Ballet shoes- beautiful, graceful, and creative,
you enjoy dancing writing and music. You are
often very poetic and sometimes dramatic. You
keep to yourself aside from a few close friends
that you can relate to. [please vote! thank
you! :)]
What Kind of Shoe Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Princess
at 3:26 AM
IT'S FUN GETTING INTO CANCEL!
PS HAYLEE IS MY PARTNER IN CANCEL.
Princess
at 8:37 PM
Pick your favorite band and use their song titles to fill this out.
Band = jack off jill.
1. Are you male or female?:
how can i grow a girl when you never where a man?
2. Describe yourself:
the devil with the black dress on./
patron saint of self injury.
3. How do some people feel about you?:
STAB! STAB! STAB!/
she's rotten and so beautiful.
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
i'm so damn horrible.
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
the little teenage boy that we wanna fuck./
he grabbed my hands, memories flashed away./
he likes my hostility./
you make me feel like i am whole again.
6. Where would you rather be?:
on royal throne made out of parts of broken bones.
7. Describe what you want to be:
hard rock queens in ripped up jeans, everyone thinks they're so obscene.
8. Describe how you live:
you're a cunt. c-u-n-t. that's right. cunt. /
now i'm god.
9. Describe how you love:
i got a genocide hand on his forehead, but he got nothing on me...
he brings me flower and candy and kringle, but that won't satisfy me.
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
watch out for afterschool specials.
Princess
at 6:08 PM
(from emode, some link from indyhardcore)
Bettie, your inner rock star is Courtney Love!
Your mama must have worried about you. The rock star part of you is all Courtney Love. As a true bad girl, you've managed to stretch the rebellion of high school into your adult life and career. Your and Courtney's success stems from a passion for shocking the world with your wild antics. The world is egging you on, and you keep thumbing your nose at it while muscling into the mainstream with overwhelming success. You've really made it, no matter what the naysayers said. Use that inner Courtney, gal. It's all on your terms now.
surprise surprise.
NOT.
Princess
at 5:26 PM
i rented dahmer today. it was ok. not as good as most of the serial killer documentaries i've seen. why am i so obsessed with serial killers? pff. weirdo.
i want to cut. so bad. on my neck. all over it.
SO bad.
if i don't start feeling better, i'm afraid i'll do it. i'll do it. god.
after the movie was over and i put the dogs to bed, i just sat in the bathroom awhile making my gums bleed. just so i could bleed and not have marks. i needed to hurt and release. need.
i hate myself for hating everything.
i hate myself for not wanting to live.
i hate when i have these thoughts and can't get them out of my head.
and i hate the way i feel like if i tell anyone or even write it in here i'm being showy about it or something.
i feel like the world's biggest loser for having spent the last four or five years of my life obsessed with suicide or something, and i hate that i feel like i could be someone who you could roll your eyes at and say it's for attention. even though iiiiiiii know it isn't. and why, why god why, if i've spent all this time obsessed am i not dead yet? how long can someone survive on the absolute verge?
i'm thinking about backspacing that paragraph.
but i don't think i really fucking care that it's there. or i do, and this is my feeble attempt to convince myself that i DONT care.
all these feeble attempts. like when someone insults me, i am so good at defending myself. and me, i'm saying it, trying to talk them into it while i'm doing it for myself. i have to repeat it, repeat it, repeat it. i guess i think that if i say it enough times, it'll come true or i'll start believing it.
god fucking dammit.
tomorrow:
1-kim is coming
2:20-pick up haylee from school
3-pick up brandon and micah from school
after that, tutor haylee.
after that, go see monster and gothika.
after that, pierce my tongue webbing.
after that, i have no idea.
tomorrow's main goal is to make out, i decided. i need to be kissed. i can't stand to not be kissed for longer than a week. cannot. canNOT.
the showing is tomorrow, funeral wednesday. they're going to start the moving process friday.
all i want is to see him. just five minutes with him. so many things in the past week.
him and haylee and me and tasha.
i would like to burrow a little hole in the ground and lock us inside at least until june.
that's all i need.
i'll make him bite my neck so i don't have to cut it. HA! what a solution!
sweet heart dealer comes out the 17th.
i really hope it'll be what i need to hear.
Princess
at 3:10 AM
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
and this, this'll be the end of it. this
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
saturday.
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Princess
at 1:47 AM
Tyler Douglass from this day forward you
will also be known as Pussy Bunnies
(female porn name generator.)
Princess
at 7:35 PM
| If i was a Bodily Excretment i would be: |
 |
| What
kind of Excretment are you? |
Princess at 7:33 PM
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Princess at 7:31 PM
1:51 pm. i'm in the bathroom in front of the mirror, eyeing the web of my tongue and deciding whether or not to pierce it (after two hours of thorough research, of course). the phone rings, and only after a few minutes of quiet do i walk into my parents' bedroom to see jerry on the phone. something about it just felt wrong.
well, it was my mom calling from the ER. apparently, she was triaging and a guy pulled a gun on her. of course, the security guard was goofing off and wasn't there. she could've died.
thank god she is so collected in crisis. she calmly got out and called 911, waited till the psycho was gone, and broke down. when i finally talked to her, she was trying to sound chipper but had obviously been bawling. it reminded me of the accident... i hadn't heard her talk like that since then. she won't come home. she won't let me go there. dammit.
ugh. i decided i'm not going to take my usual truckload of pills tonight and just stay up until she gets here and lay with her. we both need to lay together.. especially since we haven't had a chance lately. sometimes the only thing in the world that can help is cuddling with your mommy/daughter.
oh, and i'm piercing my tongue webbing. don't know when, but i'm doing it for sure.
and after that, i'm piercing my tongue. without permission. i'll get it far back so it takes her awhile to realize it.
she likes my pink hair now, too.
woooooo.
Princess
at 2:54 AM
saw my sisters today. coolest thing ever.
it was my grandma's sixtieth birthday party, so i sucked it up and went to my first family event in.. two and a half years. also first time i'd talked to nancy since my birthday weekend of eighth grade. first thing when i walk in, i catch her eye, and she walks up to me. we hugged forever and ever. i was actually glad to see her. she whispers "suddenly, my day just got 100 times better" and wipes away a tear.
and then katy walkes up behind her. she's totally skinnier, she looks so great. we hugged, and oh dear god it was so good to see her. i missed her SO BAD. she does a lot of snowboarding now, and still works all the time. she got her tongue pierced, but it's not noticeable AT ALL. i told her all about everything and.. wow, it was just great.
lisa looks different. she dyed her hair black, and pierced her nose, tongue, and bellybutton. she seemed pretty good.
we took a ton of pictures and whatnot. all in all, it was a great day. haylee spent the night last night, and OH DEAREST JESUS was it great to be with her. we just kinda goofed off and stuff. but yeah, fun.
i talked to my dad, and i think i'm going to make my first visit back up to sl. i'm way nervous, but i really want to go. i want to see the house, and katy, and fruitball and just everything. i think i'm going the first weekened of march. we're renting a bunch of snowmobiles and stuff. yay.
i miss cody.
my arm looks terrible. it doesn't burn anymore, though. relapses are horrid. bobbi relapsed, which really upset me. maybe if i hadn't have shown her my arm, it wouldn't have happened. she did go almost a month though, and i'm so fucking proud of her for that. i never seem to make it much longer than that.
yeah. i didn't write about it, but friday, i signed off and cut. the whole top of my arm, crosshatched. i've never cut like that before... it burned so bad. i cut the under of my arm, like usual, too, and the side. i never cut over cuts... but i did then, and there are so fucking many of them. i wanted to count them, but it's beyond impossible. i splattered the blood all over the inside of my cabinets, on the wall, on some pillows, and tons of paper. i bleed so much. ugh.
i think i've decided i'm going to pierce my own tongue, or find someone who'll do it for me. i want it far back so my mom won't see it for awhile.. it'll be fun.
well. i have to go pick up haylee for youth group. love.
Princess
at 7:00 PM