Sunday, March 28, 2004
first time having sex in a car.

grand total:32.
Princess at 5:34 AM
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Saturday, March 27, 2004
i wish i could've purged earlier, and been eating potato soup now.
Princess at 2:10 AM

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Friday, March 26, 2004
this morning i just sat in front of my glass door, staring out at the rain, and cried.
for the death of my positive week.

i feel like so often i just talk until whatever i meant to say loses its meaning.
Princess at 12:25 PM

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know what sucks?
feeling like a stupid bulimic bitch.
STUPID.
what kind of idiots puts...
god, nevermind.
i'm a fucking idiot.

WOO GO KILLING YOURSELF FOR VANITY!
Princess at 12:23 PM

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slept in jagged breaks last night until mom left this morning with the boys at about 7:45.
and then it was just downhill from there.
my heartrate was seriously painfully fast, and everytime i tried to move it sparked up like wild. i felt like i'd run a marathon everytime i rolled over. and so, i couldn't breathe.
i was still convinced that i wasn't giong anywhere though. i tried to eat four crackers and drink some gatorade, but it was so difficult i wanted to cry.
i stumbled downstairs to the bathroom to find some tums, thinking that might help. i turned around and looked in the mirror at my panting, woozy self, ready to faint and scream and everything else, when i almost vomited at the sight of myself.
my lips were blue.
my eyes were huge and sunken, and purple all around them.
and i was shaking violently, even though i was burning up.
i looked like i felt. death.

it took so much out of me to find my mom's work number and call and admit that i needed help.
especially when help meant needles, because the only thing i hate as much as needles are spiders.

she sounded scared when she heard me speak on the phone, and told me she was sending papa to come pick me up. she told me not to move. i was pretty sure i coudln't anyway. i honest to god felt like i might have a heart attack if i did. when he came, i couldn't even make it downstairs to open the door. wretched awful. i've never been more glad to have stolen cody's shirt, though.

i was so glad my mom was working. it meant not having to worry about triage, it meant that a lot of the nurses already knew i was coming, and of course then it meant that i didn't have to answer a bunch of pointless questions (i could barely speak anyway). i had to wear a stupid gown that fell off one bony shoulder, but i kept my pants on and wrapped myself up in cody's jacket. the iv was terrible. i had a panic attack. my mom stuck me though, which i was so fucking thankful for since i'm such a hard stick and anyone else would've missed the first few times. she even put it in my hand for me, and gave me a kiss since i was crying.

i fell asleep watching some britney spears exclusive where she was picking out a new dancer for her tour. of course, they pumped me full of that crazy finnergan, so i was ready to just die on the spot from tiredness. every once in awhile someone would come in and ask me if i felt better, and check to see if my lips were still pale or cracked and whatnot. someone, i can't remember who, brought me orange gatorade with crushed ice. which reminded me of haylee, so that was comforting.

when she was taping up my iv, my mom just kept saying it was going to be alright.
"it's just that i don't want to be here having a panic attack. i don't want to be so sick, i have so many things i want to be done.. and the only cure that i want right now is cody. isn't that stupid?"
she shook her head and wiped my tears off my face.
way comfort.

all in all, i was there maybe six hours.
i feel so much better now, even though i'm not back to normal.
after a hugeass nap on my mom's bed, i came downstairs and found that she'd mademe potato soup. it was so good to have an entire bowl with half a pack of crackers. even if it was painful as a muff.
haylee called in the middle of my bowl, to ask how i was. i told her i had been really sick and went to the hospital. i laughed for the first time in awhile when she replied, "yeah, you had to have been sick to go there."
i talked to cody awhile, too. i'm desperate to be able to drive up to see him tomorrow... there's nothing i've wanted more all week. but i have to face the fact that i probably won't be able to do it. fucking breaks my heart.
he was so sweet on the phone about it.

i fell back asleep again after we got off the phone, and i woke up like an hour ago and binged my little heart out with what i knew i could kind of handle. triscuits, cheerios, crackers, cornbread. all the carbs in sight, heh.
it hurts like a fucking... fuck.
watch, i'll probably gain back all my fucking weight just from that. ugh. if i gain back the weight, meaning that nothing good came out of this at all, i'll be really really shitty.
it was great today, when my mom asked how much i weighed last time i checked.
123.
perfecto.

so i'm going to lay back down. i have some massively intense heartburn at the moment, and yeah. i just need to sleep all this off. even though i know i should probably stay awake, because sleeping does not burn calories and i need to do whatever i can to keep the count down since i can't exercise right now. oooooh torn.

oh yeah. lindsay- i had no idea you read this. it sort of surprised me when you said you did, because so often i guess i just forget that anyone reads this at all. but yeah. it made me feel special, and i love you. muah.
Princess at 1:13 AM

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Thursday, March 25, 2004
*fuck these dysfunctional, insecure actresses.*
tool. i need lots of it. no, maynard. and all his songs where he mentions me.
sung by haylee, all that apc.
*don't fret precious i'm here.*
it was on her away message today, i felt so special.

ok so i'm going to admit that the sudden weight loss is scaring me. not that i don't like it, but i caught my reflection in a mirror downstairs and almost pissed myself. where'd that stomach of mine go? what?

had some sleep, it helps so hard.
and a piece of cornbread, though what i really wanted was the soup and veggies and french onion dip and pumpkin pie and everything else that went with it. yeah, my mom made bean soup tonight since papa was over for dinner, and all sorts of other things that i love so hard. but i coudln't have any, and i wanted to cry.
i was going to eat it anyway, but mom said no. she tried to make me eat crackers. fuck crackers, cornbread rocks.
mm i even got to have fake butter.

i couldn't believe how full i was afterwards. pain, but oh so sweet.
i was ready to marry the cornbread cake, out of joy and sadomasochism. haha.

if i can sleep for six more hours i'm pretty sure that tomorrow will turn out better.
i have a lesson with kim at 1, and i'm determined to not cancel.
deep breaths.
Princess at 4:42 AM

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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
right now i would seriously be ok with not being alive.
i fucking hate feeling like this.
hey sleep, if you see this dude-
come to my house and i will pay you a fucking dollar.
please?
Princess at 2:03 AM

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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
i re-weighed myself earlier, and i lost.
in a few hours.
since it's electronic, it gives a few different answers usually.
126 was the highest, 117 was the lowest.
but most came up as 124, i htink.

i drank some water. i'm so full.
what if there's something terribly wrong with me?
Princess at 9:17 PM

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sicksicksicksicksick.
it burns like a motherfucker.
and i want cody to come lay on the bathroom floor with me and kiss my head after i vomit.
or just to not be home alone, even.

JonthnDorkoHEAD: whats up?
ggglittersoresss: nothng. been really sick.
JonthnDorkoHEAD: aww
JonthnDorkoHEAD: im startin to
JonthnDorkoHEAD: my thought really hurts
ggglittersoresss: your thought?
ggglittersoresss: you must really be sick.
Princess at 6:01 PM

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one hundred twenty seven point five pounds.
whaaaa?
Princess at 10:34 AM

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i read that poem to him when he called, a little after five by the time i got around to reading it.
he did that sort of cute short laugh where i can feel his smile through the phone.
i like when i write for him.. because i can't force it, so when it comes it means a lot. and i like how happy rereading them makes me, because it makes me proud not just of us and how much i love us and how much we've accomplished but because when i write about something so beautiful i know that it makes my words beautiful. and i love feeling like something that even represents him can come out of me.
and i know that, even though he doesn't say it out loud, he feels honored to be the subject of such an important and passionate piece of mine that is the most honest, heartfelt, deep, and important thing i spend my creative resources and personal time on. we love to play muse for eachother. there's nothing more special than being a muse for something that is gorgeous.

and even though he refuses to sing and play (and read, for the most part) for me right now, i can feel grace and importance from what he does compose over us. i'm ok with giving him room to be shy- even though i'm so impatient sometimes- because the wait will be worth it to soak back into my ears what i give to him.
and i don't have to hear him sing to know that i'm in love with his voice.
speaking alone from his touches me so much more than i could ever imagine. listening to it, hearing the emotion in his vioce and all the parts he'll emphasize and draw out... it's one of those deeply moving things that i can't even properly write about.

i've had so many songs written for me. i've been sung and played to so many times. i've mused all sorts of outstanding compostions of various sorts.

but here's another first that i'm ready for him to be: the first one to sing AND play something that was written with me in mind.
forget everyone else's special firsts like virginity losses and first kisses. none of that means anything to me except that all those people- my firsts of physical sort- were simply my first with whom i let myself sink back down to the humanoid/animalistic level of doing what comes naturally.
and my first crush, my first boyfriend, my first serious relationship- those were all just lessons for me to learn, not special manifestations of people's importance (though i'll never forget all those lessons and heightened emotions, and they all get a designated place in my mind and some in my heart that is unfuckwithable).

the things that speak to my soul, the things that cause epiphany or revelation or provoke extreme emotions- those are the firsts that matter. those are the things that i'll not only refuse to forget, but smile and want to cry every time i think back to them. those are the firsts that i'm most grateful for. the most meaningful. anyone could be my first fuck, my first kiss. but not just anyone can make me really and truly feel with parts of me that are so deep and well, parts of me that are really beautiful.

so that first, the singing and playing, will be one that i anticipate greatly and am ok with waiting for.
our first sunrise, well, my first sunrise even, will etch an unforgettable picture.
my first time spending the night, nude and stripped of anything that could keep us from eachother, in eachother's arms is one of the most important experiences i've ever had.
and that night, my first shower with someone else. and all those giggles and all that comfort we both had previously refused ourselves... those twenty minutes of feeling like i wasn't just being washed clean of all the dried blood and dirt on my skin, but of feeling like i was beautiful and loved and i let being with him wash away any doubts i had that he didn't love me or think i was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. or touched. and yeah, the water running in our hair and kissing under the faucet with water on our tongues. all the significance that measely little bathroom appliance meant and still means to me. it's so much more special than any of the typical "firsts" that get listed in cheap survey quizzes. i can fill one of those out without another thought about it. but to think about my real firsts- the firsts of feeling- changes my entire demeanor.
i love it that his face, his body, his touch, and our heightened sense connections are what i get to think about when i remember my firsts. that i get to remember him and how happy he's made me for all eternity.

he was the first boy to take pictures with me.
he was the first person to agree with my views on suicide.
he was the first love of mine who was intelligent enough to understand me, or hyperintelligent rather so that he didn't just understand but felt.
he was my first car kiss.
he was my first risque violation of the "no boys at night" rule.
he was here holding my hand when i first relapsed into bulimia.
he was my first real scar on my back, big and puffy and beautiful. that scar will never go away. i couldn't love it more.
and i was the first to scar him- on his chest, big and serious the way i hadn't done to anyone else.
he was the first boy that i had a consistent series of sadomasochistic makeout sessions with. meaning that they didn't have to involve sex to be equally and sensually satisfying.
he was the first that i truly bathed in blood.
he was the first that i went to a scary movie with, and bit his hand the whole time. the ring will always be one of my favorite movies now- forever and ever.
he was the first who couldn't pull away from me at school, the goodbye times. he couldn't NOT kiss me, he couldn't help following me the majority of the way i spossed to go, he always had to come back one more time- or one more time- or one more. so he was the first to pda-ify me not because he was dirty or anthing else, but because he just wanted one more kiss or touch or iloveyou.
he was the first thing that brought haylee and i together in a sort of group, the first thing to be with us and laugh alongside us.
he was the first reason i ever said no to sex and meant it.
he was the first reason that i was laying at cory's and wanted to be somewhere else.
he was the first cause for all the poems that i've truly been proud enough of to share with my mom, or with a very large number of people.
he was the first one to tell me that i have the perfect figure and call it "renaissance-esque" when i was lying in pain.. the first time i've loved myself while pmsing and the first time i wasn't just ok with- but really loved- my newer curvy figure.
he was the first boy to not care about my period, but to embrace it instead. not to be weird, but it means so much that when i'm in so much pain, he's there for me. not just any pain, but the insane and disgusting vaginablood kind, which he has no problem with. he treats me not like i'm gross about it, but babies me and does every and anything i want because i'm so upset. even when i'm on so much promethazyne and i can't think straight enough to know how i'm treating him and i'm so mean...i say the most awful and wretched things and don't knwo it..... and he's the first not to take it personally,but accept it as part of me and love it even if it isn't so fun for him.
he was the first to sit still while i bit his hipbones, which is my biggest obsession.
and really, he was the first to bite, kiss, lick, or touch mine.
and he was the first person to see them and feel them, and to compliment me on them which is a hugely huge deal because of the way i liked something about myself.
he was the first to not just make me love him, but to really love myself and everything around me. i still treat myself badly. i still do things deliberately to myself that show anything but love. but they extremity is curbed, cut short, and often times not even carried out at all because i just think.. i have a perfect renaissance-esque figure, and it's so beautiful because he said so.
he was the first recorded (err memorized) voice in my head to fight back with my personalities.
he was the first to believe in my other sides, and to take interest in them to the point of wanting to know their names and history and everything else because it's a part of me that he loves.
he was the first to let me hurt him how i needed to- to trust me with his body- without hesitation or fighting.
and he's the first to enjoy the more permanent marks i've left on him and not be embarrassed but proud.
he was the first romantic interest of mine to get asked out by a friend while on our first semi-date.
and the first person i ever felt comfortable gushing my sex life and perverted oddities to.
he was the first to listen, to care for reasons other than that it made juicy gossip.
he was the first boy i called my girlfriend.
and the first serious relationship that accepted me in my broken state of not being able to be totally committed, but committed himself to me anyway. and didn't pressure me into a "relationship" but embraced the fact that i was terrified out of my wits and gave me the time i needed to begin to get over it.
he's the first who refuses to show his jealousy.
he's the first who brought me to a real, full out orgasm (yeah i know it's sexual but it involved work and selflessness) without fucking me.
and the first of whom i experienced a nerve-shattering, existence-altering orgasm with when i was not on drugs.
in fact, he's the first one who doesn't get mad at me for drugs or encourage it, as long as i'm not hurting myself.
he's the first to step back and take consideration for my problems and struggles without getting all upset with me for acting mean and out of character when i didn't mean to, or to not get mad at me when i've hurt myself or am in the middle of trying to hurt myself because i have such little control sometimes.
he is the first who i didn't terrify to the point of frustration with my insanity. he holds me and kisses me and takes away my "weapons", but doesn't get angry at me or hurt me or weirded out by me.
he was the first arachnaphobe..
and the first to face one of his most serious fears so that i wouldn't panic or cry.
the first to be so terrified of a spider with me that it took us forty minutes to get out of the same spot.
he's the first who had serious feelings for me but didn't try to persue me. for a combonation of reasons, like how i was happy with cory and how he thought i was too good for him.
he was the one to save me from the most traumatic part of freshman year: swim class. and even though he hates water and swimming, he was the first person ever to let me latch on to him so even though he hated swimming and hated feeling more weighed down.
he looked out for me in swim, really, which was really special. because he would tell me not to push myself if i couldn't breathe, and was genuinely concerned with what was going on with me in there.
he was the first boyfriend i've met over a conversation on how i was bisexual- in fact, he was the first to know that i liked girls from real introduction.
and the first to not treat me like a slut, a sex object, or a future porn star because of it.
he was my first friend as the person i am today.
he was the first to be such a close friend for so long before starting a relationship.
he was the first boyfriend of mine who admits to liking boys. which is awesome.
he's not the first who i felt tiny next to, nor the first six four boyfriend of mine. but he is the first to make me feel like being little is one of the best things about myself because his giganticness can swallow me whole.
he's the first boy i've ever dated who was younger than me.
he's the first to really support me in whatever i want to do- as long as it makes me happy and isn't totally self-destructive.
he's the first semi-anorexic, and the first who was a complete stick without a large amount of muscle or some pudge or anything.. the first to have the beautiful hipbones that i always dreamed of and have plenty of other noticeable bones without being a total weak ass.
he's the first who i think i could totally take.
and the first to admit that i really am a five year old half the time, and how he loves it so much.
he was the first to crazywrestle with me on my bed that didn't either take it too easy on me, pummel me, or turn it into a ticklefest only. wrestling with cody is truly wrestling- his height against my flexibility. it's so awesome.
he's the first that i haven't been able to defeat and hear his goofy tickled-laugh.
he's was the first boy to tell me he wanted pink hair. ever.
and he is the first to really like my long weird hair, since everyone else likes my spikeyness.
he's the first to let me wear his jackets but makes me give them back- or the first to let me take something like his jackets that he honestly wears on such a consistent day-to-day wardrobe.
he's got the be the first that i've been in a fight over. the first to cause so much drama. the first who came with his own little group of lackees for me to deal with and see what it was like for all the people who'd suffered through that for me.
he was the first, really, to co-head a group of loser lackees with me, haha. gym was awesome.
he was the first to pierce me. being a little girl and having my ears done doens't count because it wasn't my decisoin and it was before i remember being alive.
he was the only person i know brave enough to pierce my nipple for me, actually.
and he was the first to have so much intimate contact with my boobs before kissing me.
after that, he was the first guy who i had my first kiss with and attempted to fuck for the first time inthe same day.
and he's the first to be truly as self-conscious as i am, especially when he's naked.
he's been the first to make me feel safe without being scared to be without him for a bit, he's the first that i am ok with not centering my life around only. and not just because he wasn't of interest of me.
he was the first ever who hasn't made me feel like a slut at one point or another for any reason, or like i'm so low and disgusting.
he is the first artist. maybe not like some hugely developed painter, but the first to have an artist's soul and understand what that means for me. that he writes for his own reasons, not to make him look cool (like the few i've dated who attempted to compose a verse at all). how he understands my need for abstract because he has it too, and can appreciate art in its many forms. and, therefore, can truly appreciate the things i write for him or about anything, all my weird artwork and all my crazy art ideas.
he was the first to go in a haunted house with me, at my first haunted house.
he was the first to pay attention to things like my love for dali, and was happy to sit next to me at borders or half price with a book of pieces from dali and be able to talk about it and appreciate it. he likes dali, even, and is knowledgeable enough about it to make time to time references to his work (which means that he cares about my lame art work obsessions).
he is the first avid reader i've ever dated ever. and one of the only people i've ever known who adore books the way i do. and because of that, he has been the first with a vocabulary equal to mine who can compute new and radical ideas. and has the ability to think at a quick pace comparable to one that one might use to speed read.
he's the first boy i've ever met interested in feminism, let alone live a very feminist life with very feminist morals. awesomeawesome.
he was the first to really listen and look into things that i loved. like the bell jar. which i was so impressed with him for just finishing.
he was the first to compare me to a character in a book i had yet to read- and the first to recommend a book to me (which i proceeded to steal and fall in love with... prozac nation is my best friend).
he was the first to not care how dirty i am, or how dirty my room/clothes/car/etc is. not that so many before have come right out and rejected my um, unhygenic tendencies.. but he's definitely my equal in the "showers and cleanliness are overrated" department. which, besides jenn, who was just sort of moldy and gross, makes him the first ever to actually like the fact that i'm fucking pig. and definitely he has to be the only person- let alone guy- that i know who can walk ino a room like mine and see a dirty pad on the floor and just laugh.
he was the first to be happy for me as i was romantically involved in other situations. like, actually happy for me and not just trying so hard to stomach the thought of it for my sake.
he is the first to share a best friend with me that isn't and never has been romantically involved with either of us (though all three of us can admit to having severe crushes on eachother). the jenn and john thing with the best friends was such a different situation in that it didn't happen by chance like our friendships did, but that they had something in the past and that there was still weird expressions of "friendship" there. and that john forbade me to see him and jenn at the same time, in the end.
he was the only one who i pushed away and didn't make me miserable for it, but was happier than happy to come back- even if it was totally a chancey thing from haylee anyway.
he is the first to still maintain friendships with his exes. i'm so used to people hating those from their past.. but cody can comfortably hang out with me and magen or me and bobbi at the same time, and even likes to be with bobbi if i'm not there.
he is the first to have honestly friend-like relationships (though they're not much or anything) with my ex boyfriends. he's cool with john, and he really likes cory. he trusts me with cory alone and doesn't have a problem with me talking to john now even though he gets kinda worried about it. he also didn't threaten to kill cory the time that i kissed him a few weeks back, and also didn't treat me like a cheating whore because i'm so terrified of that.
he is the first that i clicked with instantly on conversational grounds- not because one of us was in fishnet, not because one thought the other was a major babecake *haha*, but through having real intelligent conversations on various issues that were impossible to speak about with anyone else. granted, our first conversation was established mainly on the grounds that i told another girl that she should take pride in her attraction to girls now and that impressed him. it was all the amazing conversation that followed... we could talk for hours and we did. i never used the phone before that, but because of cody i never got off of it. and our similar outlooks were so surprising and attractive.. and his differing ideas were even more intruiging.
yeah, he was the first boy of mine that i would describe as "intruiging".
this is the first time that i've been able to identify with another couple- or really identify with anyone at all. and not only to jokingly call ourselves that, but for others to say the same thing. how funny. kurt and courtney of the southside.
he is the first that i don't just have some fantasy of how our future will be together. i feel like i could go anywhere with him, go through anything with him, and not just enjoy it but feel stable and content. it's the first time that i have a realistic future planned with- even if it's loosely and we talk about running away a lot. even if for some reason that i can't see in the future we aren't committed anymore, i can see us having a future together on plutonic terms.
he is the first that i don't feel like my life will end if we go through some trials. we survive things quite well, even through my bad temperment. i feel like i can take anything thrown at us- from other people to hour-long distances to being grounded from eachother, and every other thing i can possibly name off or think of. i have faith in us, in him and in me, that he isn't going to get up and abandon me if i mess up sometimes, and i am positive that we aren't going to suddenly lose interest in and touch with eachother. we hold eachother in very high places- well, first above everything- without being weirdly obsessed or worshippey.
he is the first person i've been with who doesn't bore me in one way or another to the point where i feel like i need to seek someone else out. this is the first time that i haven't wanted to be with anyone else for any other reason (though i'm a flirt and often seem that way, i really don't want anything that isn't him).
he is the first peron or thing i've ever encountered that truly keeps me content. even in the most boring situations, i can have a ridiculous amount of fun. it's not weird to go out together, but at the same time i don't feel like we need to go out. i'm just as happy at home making queer fishykiss faces at eachother as i am when we're out at a movie or the mall or a concert or anything else.
he is the first person who will kiss my fishy kiss face, which also makes him the first to try it out himself and fishy kiss me back.
he's the first person who i trust everything with. nothing embarrasses me, and i don't feel the need to hide anything from him. it's so rare because i'm so scared that people will leave me when they realize the sort of person/thing that i really am. but i feel like i could do anything weird in front of him, say every and anything weird within his earshot, make any weird face, share any weird secret or desire, wear any weird item of clothing or not wear clothing and be ok with him seeing my weird body parts, and even talk about my weird tendencies, perversions, and psychosis. i'm not even scared for him to meet the other mes, or even get to know them. i didn't feel stupid telling him that i harbored a 3000 year old anti-human personality that was actually real, and even more of a first was that he believed me and it didn't freak him out.
he was the first to be out with me in my car past curfew ever. and the first to sit in my car with me with no intentions other than talking.
he was even the first to experience my favoritest thing ever with me: being in my car in the rain at night.
he is the first to not just put up with my mischevious nature, but to love and adore it like no one else ever has.
he was the first real male cutter that i ever met. not the "oh, i hurt myself once" kind.. but one who understood what my pain was and why i did it and why i loved it. i guess in all reality he was the first other person i ever met who hurt himself with similar motives; he was the first person i ever talked to about it who related to me.
he is my first boyfriend who isn't christian or possessing any christian leans and beliefs.
he is the first to care what he looks like around me more than around other people. typically, it works the other way around.. but cody isn't much of a self-conscious person until it comes to me.
he is the first ever to understand the importance of certain cartoons. not a tv loser, not a weird scooby doo freak. but to identify with the importance of fairly odd parents and such.
oh! he was my first boy ever to not like spongebob, and the first ever to be converted by me to something he previously hated with a passion.
he was the first ever who was not agressive with me physically, and still isn't. he doesn't take advantage of me, or really ever instigate any sort of sexual activity. it's rare for a boy to not be jumping all over me and groping or whatever. he's the first who cares how others have made me feel and actually is sensitive to the damage that has been done to me in that way.
he was the first person i've ever met to have a similar childhood. and so he was the first person that i let myself open up to and talk about my memories- even the worst ones. he was the first person who i let myself cry to about everything that has happened without pretending i was crying for something else.
he was the first other person i've ever met to be kidnapped by their own parent.
basically, he was the first person i've ever met that i felt so close to even just for our parallel lives.
he was the first person to give up something self-destructive that meant so much to him (sorry, all those boys who quit being stoners for awhile because of my threats don't count.) he is the first to give up something so crucial and not ask for anything in return, or even for me to do the same for him. and he did it because he knew it hurt me.
he was truly the first person to be able to talk me out of panic attacks and the like so easily. the only other person who's ever talked me out of panic and an episode of losing control and hurting myself was magen, and even that was nothing like how instantaneously he can help me get my breath back and get me back to normal.
he is the first boy with hands so big that they literally eat my hands alive.
he is the first to not argue with me about how i make him carry me EVERYWHERE- and the first to do it in front of other people and not throw a big fit about me being embarrassing or soemthing.
he's the first time i'm happy without being caught up in a closed environment or fantasy world.
he's my first totally different from anything else experience- the first uniquely all-new unconventional relationship i've ever experienced, or could ever ask for.
he's my first healthy relationship.


Princess at 4:28 AM

*****************

Monday, March 22, 2004
little pointy-tailed birds
with fat bellies and jumpy wings
rip away from the cement, as if on strings
in the birthing sunshine.
the light kisses me,
my pink-striped quiet;
sweet and warm like that night
kissing you
just so recent.
you and your jumpy nature
who ripped open your heart
to let me and my fat belly
in kissing the damage-
i want you to know that my first sunrise is one
that i want to view on your lips.
Princess at 8:26 AM

*****************

i love how the last thing it lists is tori amos, and the first is music.
Princess at 6:41 AM
*****************

I have issues with...

identity failure temporary immortality honesty

Take Word Association Test
fuck.
that's so damn accurate.
Princess at 6:40 AM
*****************

Princess at 6:37 AM
*****************

Princess at 6:31 AM
*****************

so i'm engaging in my ritual nightly thinspiration viewing, all the emaciated and beautiful people and images i can find.
but i am crying terribly.
i hurts so bad to know taht i'll never be that beautiful, i'll never be able to lose that kind of weight.
i'm tired of being a fat bulimic.
to be twenty, or thirty pounds heavier than everyone else in my proed communities.
to be terrified to post my pics like everyone else becaue i'm so much heavier.
i want to be the one with the ribs and the hipbones and the peg legs.
i want to be a stick figure fading in the background.
why does everything about me have to be so fucking curvy and noticeable?
even my personality. if i was skinnier, less people would notice me.
if i was anything but a fat bulimic crazy girl less people would notice me.

i hate myself so much for being everything i never wanted to be.
fat.
ugly.
rude.
uncaring.
scarred.
psychotic.
and in so goddamn much pain.

i always had this picture in my mind of what highschool would be like for me. and in it, i was 110 pounds still with bright smiling eyes and perfect everything, like my mom's pictures.
but i failed.
i failed the picture.
i failed high school.
i failed dance.
and i failed my body.

i swear on all things holy that for my senior pictures i'll be as beautiful as my mom was.
and if i'm not, taht's it. the end.
Princess at 5:48 AM

*****************

i went and saw brittany. i love her. my artwork is on her walls, i felt so special.
i love having someone to talk to about sex.
i love her.
she's so fucking skinny, it's not even fair. so fucking skinny. but she wants to lose weight. which makes me want to lose even more.
her mirror made me look skinny. woah.

i've been listening to heartshapedbox all day. can't stop. he didn't call. i don't care.
can't be mad.

we took pictures.
http://community.webshots.com/scripts/editPhotos.fcgi?action=viewall&albumID=127433054
they're so cute. none of them turned out well, i don't care. they're of us giggling, or kissing. the kissing ones are all blurry, and some of them aren't even us but were taken while we were kissing. so i kept them, because i love them so fucking much.
i love him so fucking much.
god.

*dies*
Princess at 2:21 AM

*****************

Sunday, March 21, 2004
she eyes me like a pices when i am weak.
i've been locked inside your heartshapedbox for weeks.
i've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap.
i wish i could eat your *cancer* when you turn back.

hey wait- i've got a new complaint.
forever in debt to your priceless advice.

meateating orchids forgive no one just yet.
cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath.
broken hymen of your highness- i'm left black.
throw down your umbilical noose so i can climb right back.

hey wait- i've got a new complaint.
forever in debt to your priceless advice.

<333333333333333333333333333333333.

god i'm in love and i'm a fucking idiot.
i love that, too.
Princess at 6:08 AM

*****************

wow.
just now got home from dropping him off.
and i think that i learned a few things today.
first being that... i really do love him. as in, for realrealrealreal the way that... nevermind words.
our song: heartshapedbox.
he loves me back. realrealreally.
and that the fact i can't be mad at him isn't a fault that i have. and i finally forgive myself for all those times i wanted to be mad at him and was until he came around and looked into my eyes and my love for him got the better of me. like when i thought he was leading bobbi and i on, or when he promised he'd come and didn't, or the millions of other times he's done something to monumentally piss me off and then the second that we're face-to-face i can't even begin to muster such anger.
it's not a flaw. it's because i love him.
even just typing this blushes me.

we talked about how even though sex doesn't serve as the big deal intimate factor in my relationships, so many other things do. like kissing for kissing's sake and nothing else, or noticing something that he does that he was too uncomfortable to do before. or making fish faces to kiss and giggling like wild, which was totally one of my favorite parts about the day.
along with the best orgasm i've had in -seriously- two years. in fact, i've only had one other that good ever and i was totally um, inebriated. he's fucking amazing.

i have some freckles on my arm, it's really cool.

we sat in my car for hours again, just talking about things i guess too personal to discuss in the light, or anywhere else that doesn't give that taxicab confession vibe. he kisses my hand sometimes now. and he understands my deeper meaning that i think only one other person that i've met could sort-of get *nikki, heh*.

and maybe i'm a hopeless romantic by nature, but i really think it's just him and whatever it is that he does to me to provoke all this. but it's better than any dream i've ever had or any expectation i've ever set- just his hand brushing my face, or his eyes staring into mine. and i feel like the rest of the world isn't even alive anymore.

i hate taking him home int he morning, because it really feels like we should be cuddling up and going to bed together.
but i guess that's the drawback of acting/thinking older but not actually being older.
or playing mom but not actually reaping the benefits.
have i mentioned that he's an amazing kisser?
even when i'm making a crazy fish face, or the bass fish face, or doing something stupid.
he makes me want to lock the two of us in my room and never come out.
because i could just roll around with him on my floor mattress forever.
*giggle*.






"tomorrow" and the "next day"
means never,
in a constance that is our conversation
at least bi-daily.
maybe magen isn't quite
the title most fitting-
at least i'll keep my hopes up higher than you are.
ideot/idiot, for sure,
is the label least likely
for our hyperintelligent ramblings at 2-5.
a kiss by the window and the middle of the street
just twice more
and i know that i could veer off the road and not care.




ps, perfection.
Princess at 5:54 AM

*****************

Saturday, March 20, 2004
i miss haylee's journal.
Princess at 4:21 AM

*****************

24 hour fast, i'm such a good girl.
i threw up all the cake i ate last night- which was a fuckload- and decided to fast a little.
and i actually did it.

went to a show at the mwp clubhouse, bleak played. only girl in the pit, got knocked in the head. and went in free.
cory was there. came home withme. good stuff.

breaking fast felt sooo good. four fruit roll-ups *or five?* and triscuits. mmmm.

i still have a BAD migraine though. i know i'm getting them from not eating. but hell, i must suffer to reap benefits. and that's ok with me.

if cody doens't show up tomorrow, i'm working out alllllll day so i don't hurt myself.
yeah, i cut a little today. but not really noticeable... i was so fucking upset and i just couldn't contain myself. i wish i could've gotten myself together enough to just go work it off.
that's what i'm doing from now on.
Princess at 4:20 AM

*****************

Thursday, March 18, 2004
UnderageWarfare: you better hope theres no hell.
UnderageWarfare: if there is, ill see you there.
ggglittersoresss: awesome. i bet they play pink 24/7.
*
ggglittersoresss: once in youth group, my youth pastor had a long talk with me because we had to go around the room and say what we'd ask god if we only had one question...
ggglittersoresss: and mine was "what's hell like?"
UnderageWarfare: but itd be funny if God said "Shitty d00d"
*
ggglittersoresss: ...hell. crazy.
ggglittersoresss: it's for children.
UnderageWarfare: i know.
UnderageWarfare: hahaha.
UnderageWarfare: silly jesus, hell is for kids.
*
UnderageWarfare: mary magdalene limped around everywhere she went.
UnderageWarfare: and she didnt have a broken leg either.
UnderageWarfare: im sorry. thats obscene.
ggglittersoresss: HAHAHA
*
sillypicklegirl: were jumping her
sillypicklegirl: seriously tyler
sillypicklegirl: atleast one hit with a bat
sillypicklegirl: then i wanan sprinkle dead roses on her
ggglittersoresss: hahah
ggglittersoresss: wow.
sillypicklegirl: and pronounce her dead
sillypicklegirl: and shell be like im not dead
sillypicklegirl: and ill be like BITCH YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD YOU WILL BE
*
sillypicklegirl: I member in 8th grade
sillypicklegirl: All the guys in my class wanted me
sillypicklegirl: up until i started talkn and they got to know me
sillypicklegirl: they all backed off
ggglittersoresss: haha. yeah, same here.
*
Greenskysfall: .................
Greenskysfall: You messed with me last time. You confused and be littled me. But your games are no match for my wit tonight you wench. For everyone confusing comment you make.... I shall kill you.
ggglittersoresss: WELL FINE, I'M JUST GOING TO GO SQUASH THE GRAPEFRUIT MYSELF. IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT, FRANKIE? IS IT? BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN GETS WHEN HIS FERRET IS PURPLE, AND YOUR ASS WILL BE ASPHAULT.
Greenskysfall: You face will become cement and the kings crown will jello over. The queen of the hill will fall through the maple shoes and you shall die.
ggglittersoresss: look, the pink fairy won't quit screaming that her froot loops are smelly and i really need you to take the 3:67 o clock shift. i haven't asked much of you lately, and if you could just.. you know.. fill in for me and lick the satin just this once, i'd be really grateful.
Greenskysfall: Your responses are futile skirmish one. Your grasshoppers have no effect on this peice of down syndrome with mayonaise on the side.
ggglittersoresss: GRASSHOPPERS! ALWAYS THE GRASSHOPERS! DAMMIT YOU KNOW THAT MINE DIED LAST MILLENIUM, DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO RUB IT IN MY FACE LIKE THIS?
Greenskysfall: Actually, I do.
Greenskysfall: Because I have the jellyfish..and your gazeeboe is gone.
ggglittersoresss: gazebo.
Greenskysfall: I gaze on no ones bo.
ggglittersoresss: besides, it's all about the french onion dip, so i don't even want to hear it from your gasoline-dripping mouth.
Greenskysfall: Gasoline is a splendor where i come from.
ggglittersoresss: well seagulls will never be able to properly settle into carealot if you don't fucking grant them the native land clause.
Greenskysfall: the land clause is a redundant problem. The seagulls can mate with the otters if they'd like.
ggglittersoresss: YOU SHOULD BE MATING WITH THE OTTERS. after all it's not ike it woul be the first time your ass was caught instigating trivial pursuit.
Greenskysfall: Not in front of the quest dekentakoontae.
ggglittersoresss: KADONKADONK.
ggglittersoresss: whatever, i'm calling that madam rue.
ggglittersoresss: you know that gypsy with the gold cap tooth.
Greenskysfall: Dude. It's Bodonkadunk. Dave Chapelle says so.
ggglittersoresss: you mean davey c? that boy is one liquid warfare.
Greenskysfall: no, that is stevie D
ggglittersoresss: eazy e?
Greenskysfall: sleazy bitch
Greenskysfall: ooops
Greenskysfall: Ok, im done.
ggglittersoresss: damn right the fire mashall want to cut us down.
Greenskysfall: Yeah... I need to use the restroom.
Greenskysfall: But if I catch you with an egg.... your through.
Greenskysfall is away at 8:57:12 PM.
ggglittersoresss: I WILL GREEN YOUR CANCELS.
*

um. yeah.
Princess at 9:43 PM

*****************

five pounds fat and she's beautiful
five pounds fat and i couldn't love her more
five pounds fat and she's beautiful
five pounds fat- but she's going to be four.

she's a cow at 77
a hippo at 88
she ruined her cal count, but she's on a fast
confesses.. diet pills are all i ate.
you can push her to binge today
just don't let her go to the bathroom alone.
you can push her to the therapist-
just don't push too hard, you could break a bone.
Princess at 9:24 PM

*****************

i hate being fat and having an eating disorder.
it's just unfair.
Princess at 2:41 AM

*****************

heaven help me for the way i am,
save me from these evil deeds before i get them done.
i know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand,
but i keep living this day like the next will never come.

help me but don't tell me to deny it,
i've gotta cleanse myself of all these lies till i'm good enough for him.

what would an angel say?
the devil wants to know.
Princess at 2:12 AM

*****************

I'm a Heretic!



Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons



check me out, i'm the one on the left. *kicks self in head.*
Princess at 2:02 AM
*****************

i just took some quiz.
it told me that in a past life i was either a depressed cat or nefertiti.
you know, either one.
Princess at 1:51 AM

*****************

rotted blossoms through fickle branches
appear as i peer out in morn
while the fog blooms.
decay even has a time to die, you know.
wasted sunshine ceases to exist
(especially after all this rain).
ripening rips through the icy floor clouds
and somber bleakness itself can be found shuddering
from the weather.
decay even has a time to die, you know.
Princess at 1:36 AM

*****************

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
for haylee.

next to you with thick words
is where we weave oursevles together
like tapestry in the process,
rug of red rugged tongue.
we join together in marriage of hands,
because everyone knows
two girls means sin.
pinkredpeach
i'll color the yarns our fingers are
when we weave them together
(but not our tongues).
joined in love-
but not "in love"-
we love conceiving weaves or bonds together.
squeeze our hands a little tighter and
bite our tongues a little harder
next time the accusation of
bonded (meaning by "in love")
tries to seam rip its way in.
tighter than tight plaid playing together-
giggling wild we'll smile at them.
Princess at 10:40 PM

*****************

goals accomplished:
*128 pounds.
*went to the Y once more.
----------
new goals:
*125 pounds.
*get a fucking planner for this shit.
*decide what to do with the books.
*finish thinspiration book.
----------

i ate a ton today and didn't throw up.
kill me please, somebody kill me.
at least i worked out for an hour. the whole time working out, i just kept saying..."HOW BAD DO YOU WANT THAT CAKE TONIGHT TYLER? HOW BAD? BECAUSE YOU'VE GOTTA WORK FOR IT." so i did. until it hurt. because i'm refusing to leave until i'm in severe pain, now.
god, ice cream cake.

my mom's reading "balloon farm" to kris. i fucking love that book. harvey potter grew balloons, man.

i need to write a story for tomorrow when kim comes over. eeeeeeep at me for not doing it sooner.

i am the tetris master. st patricks day can suck my exhaustion pipe.

hey guess who i miss. ugh.

yeah. is that all?
Princess at 10:16 PM

*****************

Greenskysfall: The disgruntled turtle won
ggglittersoresss: YOU'RE WRONG.
ggglittersoresss: WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.
ggglittersoresss: iiiiiiiiiiw on.
Greenskysfall: why am I wrong? I saw the turtle win
ggglittersoresss: you wanna know a secret john?
ggglittersoresss: YOUR EYES WERE LYING.
ggglittersoresss: THEY HATE YOU, AND THEY'RE PLOTTING TO KILL YOU.
Greenskysfall: What?
ggglittersoresss: don't get smart with me.
ggglittersoresss: you can read just fine.
Greenskysfall: who ois plotting to kill me
ggglittersoresss: YOUR EYES
ggglittersoresss: DUH I JUST TOLD YOU THAT
Greenskysfall: Oh, my eyes are cool with me, they have been on my face for awhile now. I am sure they will cool down and not kill me.
ggglittersoresss: THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK
Greenskysfall: Well, they are attatched to my brain, so you could be right. But I am going to pretend that they aren't.
ggglittersoresss: THEY SUCTIONED THEMSELVES ONTO YOUR BRAIN AND ARE PREPARING TO TAKE OVER YOUR BODY.
ggglittersoresss: they're tired of you crying all the time you sissy whiney baby.
Greenskysfall: Woah woah woah. I haven't cried for a year or so, so shut it.
ggglittersoresss: LIES! ALL LIES!
Greenskysfall: Hmm...-Thinks-....nope, not for a year or so.
ggglittersoresss: WHATEVER!
ggglittersoresss: if a year means FIVE MINUTES!
Greenskysfall: Psh
ggglittersoresss: but you know, since we're such good pals and i'm such a great gal and all, i'll tell you how to rid yourself of this problem.
ggglittersoresss: you put the lime in the coconut and mix them both together.
ggglittersoresss: put the lime in the coconut, shake it all up.
Greenskysfall: YES!..man...last month that was the only song in my head.
ggglittersoresss: put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better.
ggglittersoresss: song? what song?
Greenskysfall: The "Put the lime in the coconut" song
ggglittersoresss: HAHA. that, a song. hahaha. that's funny john.
ggglittersoresss: what are you going to come out with next?
Greenskysfall: Hey, I was singing it, so it was a song to me.
ggglittersoresss: i mean, hahah. who in their right mind would write- or even sing about- a song about limes and coconuts.
ggglittersoresss: oh.
ggglittersoresss: john, maybe your problem is more serious than limes and coconuts.
Greenskysfall: I didn't say it was an actualy song(but I think it really is), but I picked up my guitar and sang it.
ggglittersoresss: maybe you need some good lovin.
ggglittersoresss: because you're feelin so bad.
ggglittersoresss: and as a family doctor, let me tell you what you've had.
Greenskysfall: Everyone needs good lovin. But I haven't had good lovin in afew weeks.
ggglittersoresss: so, as a doctor *doctor*, a mrs. m.d., i can tell you what's ailing..you-ee.
ggglittersoresss: i say..
ggglittersoresss: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ggglittersoresss: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
ggglittersoresss: all you, you really need is..
ggglittersoresss: good lovin.
ggglittersoresss: give you that good, good lovin.
ggglittersoresss: good lovin.
Greenskysfall: hey, I don't have a problem. You're just shitty that the turtle won and the wombat got his ass whooped.
ggglittersoresss: all you need is lovin.
ggglittersoresss: good lovin, good lovin babay good lovin.
ggglittersoresss: wow. delusional too.
ggglittersoresss: maybe even good lovin can't fix this one.
Greenskysfall: Ooook then. Someone has issues.
ggglittersoresss: maybe the problem lies deeper in, that you can't have good lovin because you can't find someone.
ggglittersoresss: perhaps ii'll perscribe you some love potion. number nine, i think.
Greenskysfall: Hah, yeah. I can't find anyone. I know.
Greenskysfall: Ok, if you sing Love Potion #9 I am going to stab myself in the leg.
ggglittersoresss: sing? who's singing?
Greenskysfall: Bah...you are confusing me three ways to sunday
ggglittersoresss: i was just thinking that you could take your troubles down to madam rue
ggglittersoresss: you know, that gypsty with the gold capped tooth
ggglittersoresss: she's got a pact, and you're ready for that rhyme, seven little bottles of love potion number nine.
ggglittersoresss: just, tell her you're a flop with chicks
Greenskysfall: God damnit.
ggglittersoresss: that you've been this way since 1956
ggglittersoresss: she'll look at your palm, make a magic sign and tell you what you need
ggglittersoresss: LOVE POTION NUMBER NINE
Greenskysfall: Son of a bitch.
ggglittersoresss: my mom will kill you, i'd watch what i say if i were you haha.
Greenskysfall: What are you talking about?
ggglittersoresss: no clue.
Greenskysfall: why ar eyou talking about your mom?
ggglittersoresss: the time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things
Greenskysfall: you know what. you're starting to weird me out
ggglittersoresss: of shoes and ships and ceiling wax, cabbages and kings.
Princess at 10:10 PM

*****************

WEDNESDAY:
*kris's bday party.
*want to see cody.
THURSDAY:
*kim comes at 1.
*something else i'm forgetting.
FRIDAY:
*speech at nine in the morning.
*shopping with mom.
*isn't there a show i wanted to go to?
*meeting up with those guys in that band? haha.
SATURDAY:
*cody.
SUNDAY:
*church in the morning.
*jonthn asked me to stay for lunch.
*but i'd really rather do whatever haylee's allowed to do.
*so maybe stay if she can.
*wasn't there a class at the Y i wanted to take?
*youth group, sadly. kinda.
-----------

GOALS:
*go to the Y three more times before it closes sunday.
*be 128 pounds.
*buy some metabolism boosting pills.
*fix the perry ordeal.
*apply at karma.
Princess at 3:21 AM

*****************

http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/authorfacts.php
chuck interviews mister manson.
best thing ever.

"The only fear I have left is the fear of not being able to create, of not having inspiration," Manson says.
god i love him. god god god.
Princess at 2:00 AM

*****************

Tuesday, March 16, 2004
just got home from the Y.
worked my ass off for an hour nonstop instead of cutting or bingeing or anything.
i want to cry and faint.

a good girl is a miserable, sore, cold, skinny, crying one.
Princess at 11:10 PM

*****************

i broke up with john a year ago today.
it hurts.
i lost jenn a year ago today.
and tomorrow is st. patrick's day.

i am so not cutting.
NOT.
Princess at 7:16 PM

*****************

i can't cut because:
*then i can't go to the y anymore until they heal, which is forever and my fat ass doesn't have that long.
*it makes cody hurt.
*and haylee.
*i have too many scars.
*i don't want my friends in florida to see them, and i'll be there too soon for them to be gone by then.
*i won't let anyone have that satisfaction, because that's what it all boils down to apparently.
*the razors have rust stains now.
*AND MOM WILL SO GIVE ME A TETNIS SHOT. i think i spelled that wrong.
*yeah, mom in general.
*i want to wear pretty tank tops when it gets warm without hating myself so much.
*and tshirts.
*scabs itch.
*there are more hardcore kinds of pain, like working out which i'm going to go do.
*thin is just as pretty as bloody.
*once i start, i won't be able to stop.
*what if i lose it and cut my face?
*brittany.
Princess at 6:57 PM

*****************

if your name isn't haylee, cody, brittany, lindsay, or one of the few other people who are going to take my blog for the craziness hodge podge of meaningless bullshit that this thing is...

no more reading for you. this will be your last visit.
goodbye.
Princess at 6:27 PM

*****************

tell me how should i feel.
tell me how, how should i feel?
Princess at 6:24 PM

*****************

i'm just ugly and thatmakes everyone right about everything.
especially bobbi and her stupid fuckface bloopfriends.
if i wasn't fat, none of this would happen.
akjhsdjnkxcvkjnrkjhakjlhliudyhlksuhcliuahsdrljena,jnvkldjzxhlueyhrakjdncvzkxmnvlsdkhrfalsuerha;lsdjfas.
Princess at 6:18 PM

*****************

Auto response from ggglittersoresss: ripping out my hair.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: i love you
hnrstrwbRRy 32: don't rip
hnrstrwbRRy 32: if you're gonna rip anything, rip me a new asshole! rawr!
Princess at 6:13 PM

*****************

i don't like going places alone when i'm in this kind of mood.

tyler misses cory. i never see him anymore. he rocks.

i need to work out my fat ass.
like woah.

taking the boys to chik fil et in a minute for kris's school fundraiser. good stuff, i guess.


in light of recent drama. this is what i need to remember.
things to focus on:
*cody
*haylee
*art
*family
*thin-ness
*the very few other people who matter.
*getting where i need to go.

everything else can be written off because it doesn't matter. keep that in mind tyler.
Princess at 6:09 PM

*****************

bobbi on the bigbird situation: and tyler could only dream of having the satisfaction of having me mad at her over all of that.

in the words of me/haylee/brandon..
that's fucky.
Princess at 5:24 AM

*****************

i hate myself for weighing so much.
yes, i'm actually crying. have been all day.
all i want in the entire world right now is a cookie.
chocolate chip, it's downstairs in pink syran wrap- the squishy kind that mommy made today- for me.
131.5 today.
what a fucking fat ass, i coudln't hat e myself more.
for all the hours i spend every single day in misery from hunger, for all the hours i spend over a toilet rotting away the skin on my fingers and teeth, cleaning up all that dripping snot witha towel next to me covered in vomit with toilet water splashed up all over my face in my eyes, bawling and bawling and purging until my stomach muscles are sore and my body can't even get up anymore stomach acid. i hate myself for all of that and no results.
i hate myself for establishing a stable weight at fucking 130 pounds. ONE HUNDRED THIRTY POUNDS. can anyone else comprehend how much ONE HUNDRED THIRTY is? think 130 jellybeans, 130 teeth, 130 dominos, 130 fingers, 130 pairs of pants. a lot, yeah? well, i have 130 fat gobs. 130 newborn pups, stashed away all over my body and smoothed on like separating peanut butter.

it's to the point where, everytime i stand up i start to faint. i can't get rid of my heartburn migraine because frankly, my body constantly refluxes everything since i've trained it to do that. i've got sores all over my tongue from not eating enough.
no progress.

and so i will not eat. not. until i'm skinny, unitl i see some fucking results god dammit. i will live in pain and misery every single fucking day since it's what i deserve for heisting 130 puppies and downing them when no one was looking.
i will step out of the shower into a fan and cry from the cold.
i will chew up cookies and spit them back out, no matter how delicious they are.
i will find diet pills.
i will vomit each time a solid touches my lips.
and i will cry out in pain until i deserve better.
Princess at 4:16 AM

*****************

Monday, March 15, 2004
i should really show my true feelings more often?

miss him already. like a muff. woah.
i'm all wrapped up in the sexy jacket, prancing around in my underwear and an orange bandana. wishing he was here.
just 30 hours ago, he was.
*STABSTABSTAB.*

it's not even just that he isn't HERE. it's that he's so far away. i hate it. hatehatehate it. something- everything- feels so not right when he's too far away from me. like if i needed him now, or he needed me, it'd be another hour before anything could be done. and that terrifies me.

i have a hickey on my nipple, which makes me laugh really hard.

have i said lately the way i feel about this bird? perfection? *sigh*.
"in the END, if i killed him, would it hurt you?" she asked.
death. in the end and the now and the forever and before, because i don't want to live if he isn't.
is that wrong?
wait- do i care?

my underwear have the ingredients to strawberry cheesecake pie on them.

CALLING ALL BOYS: I AM BAD, BAD NEWS. HEARTBREAKER DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT. I WILL KISS YOUR CHEST THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE I REACH MY CATLIKE NAILS IN AND GRIND MY WAY THROUGH YOUR SKIN TO YANK OUT YOUR HEART. AND WHILE IT'S STILL DRIPPING, STRINGS STILL ATTATCHED TO YOUR RIB CAGE, I WILL SINK MY FURIOUS TEETH IN AND ENJOY FEEDING ON YOUR JUICY PULSING LIFE SUSTAIN. AFTER I'M DONE, I'LL TAKE THE REST AND SMEAR IT ON YOUR FACE BEFORE RIPPING OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND CHOKING YOU WITH YOUR VERY OWN GIFT TO ME.
and that should make you NOT want me, or want much to do with me at all.
it's NOT tempting or sexy. you will pay.

my kiss means nothing, by the way. it's so much more meaningful coming from the one who'd rather be penetrated with a giant painful ass dildo than touch your betraying lips. i laugh, i chew, i mill. she'd rather "rip out her spleen and eat it," i'm sure.

i think teletubbies is on.

i can't wait to fall asleep and have dreams of kicking jonthn in the head, and then kissing big bird.
being drunk is not an excuse to betray your feelings and future actions, by the way, and it's never enough to be sorry, either. especially not when there's tangible evidence involved in a situation you weren't prepared to deal with later on. you can never- NEVER- have her now, no matter how much you want her. kick, kick.

yeah, kissing cody is way cooler than any of this. or even thinking about kissing cody.
Princess at 6:08 AM

*****************

Sunday, March 14, 2004
sometimes nothing makes sense but the anti-sensical.
Princess at 11:03 PM

*****************

ggglittersoresss: he needs to stop being so cute because i love cody, that's why.
ggglittersoresss: TEMPT! AAAAAGH!
ggglittersoresss: i want to kick things.
ggglittersoresss: without breaking my toes.
brittentay: hahahahha
brittentay: tempting is delicious and you know it
ggglittersoresss: and then lose weight and be a model before doing something crazy like backpacking through europe with an apple named phil, and maybe my dog.
ggglittersoresss: it know it, i hate it, i love it, oh my.
brittentay: oh my god, that was fucking ingenius

ggglittersoresss: *giggle* thank you.
brittentay: *kisses you HARD*
ggglittersoresss: kiss back.
brittentay: god i miss you
brittentay: why arent you ever mine anymore?
ggglittersoresss: i don't know. steal me, i'm no one's.
brittentay: haha
ggglittersoresss: there's a sore on my tongue, haylee's mom grounded her because she thinks she's a dyke, cody doesn't give me the attention he wants to and donny does, jerry doesn't feed me on the weekends but does look at porn, there are some boys who are more three-timing than even me and i hate them, my mom is never here, kris is six, my dog is fat, i'm on a fast for god, and i want a tattoo.
ggglittersoresss: and sex more often, and maybe to try coke.
ggglittersoresss: or publish a book.
brittentay: yes
brittentay: write a book
brittentay: and make it all exactly loike that
brittentay: because i would eat every word
ggglittersoresss: i will, and i will feed starving nations with my dead sliced up tattooed trees.

Princess at 11:01 PM

*****************

miller lite cap on my floor means my brother was drinking in my car.
jerry freaking out when i walk in means he was looking at porn again.
and me being broke as fuck means i spent all my goddamn money on gas, and paying for my own food while jerry feeds the boys.

i want my mom, but i'm on empty.
i need to talk to her about so many things.

i'm going on a 7 to 10 day fast, and that's the end of that.
dammit.
i'm finding god, since that bitch has yet to appear out of dust the way everyone says he does.

and i'm getting a fucking job at somewhere i don't hate with all my might.



ggglittersoresss: i'm about fed up.
ggglittersoresss: with everything.
ggglittersoresss: between jerry being an ass, looking at porn, and not feeding me. between brandon smacking me and treating me like shit. between my mom not being here or always sleeping. between my boyfriend living an hour away and never seeing me. between me and my head and my surroundings and everything, i'm fed up.
ggglittersoresss: with "friends," with "scene," with "time," with "family."
Princess at 9:17 PM

*****************

the voices speak religion and
my heart can be a pulsing bible.
churches come down, begging to get in
and penetrate my thick-skinned nature
with just one needling strand of hope.
but the voices, they decided for me
whether i was crazy or not.
and today, the first revelation came.
this is my gift, you say, but i say
it's my mind.
i'd love to find god.
but i don't want him to find me.
Princess at 9:14 PM

*****************

"i lost my virginity to Rugrats All Growed Up."
"well, it could be worse. i lost mine to stryper."
hilarious.

more perfection. him. woah.
in my car in the rain at 1:30-4 in the morning. beautiful. nothing could be more beautiful. nothing. woah.
sitting cradled on his lap because it WAS EFFING FREEZING but i don't think either of us cared. the most insignificant nothing could pour from our mouths in broken weighted fragments like the rain all around us and would still be poetry. mimicking the rain, his beauty and my brokenness. in the dark. in his arms.
kiss. kiss.

i got him to try meatless double deckers. he liked them, wooohoooo. and then i found out that they're 310 calories apiece. but i don't think i even care, really.

maybe it's time to move on and get over this childish fear of everything, to let go and fall back on him and only him. but maybe that would betray my childlike nature.
on my mattress, he asked what i was thinking. spoken softly, another of my oddities in which i truly am living and speaking that poetry, i let him in on the most personal of personal: my self-doubt, or what's really going on. the question of innocence. tears rolling down my cheeks and somehow he fixes it. it's love. it's my saviour.
his hands that become more comfortable with me, or have been more comfortable on me since that night- i love them. and the sense (perhaps not so false, for once) of serene...hope.
that sense in his lips when they're on me, my facelipshandscheststomachbackwhatever. like nothing else could ever be more right.
or his round eyes conveying so much hushed romance. once, he says, it was an available sort of romance. but with time and his last romantic encounters it's silenced. he says maybe i'm resurrecting it. and as much as i can without self-esteem, i think maybe i'm good enough just this once.

and he doesn't hate me when i vomit, induced or not.
perfect.





i'm fat today from those tacos last night. i think i've gained back weight.
fast. it's fast time.

niera;lidfreandskcljfgjkuixzglafemalkdfhadjfi'msoinloveholyfuckanoihsdkrijhfal;kjfawe.
Princess at 5:16 PM

*****************

Saturday, March 13, 2004
ANOTHER GOOD DAY!
i'm so excited.

no vomits! i'm proud. and i even ate pizza and breadsticks and coke and STILL MANAGED TO EAT ONLY 833 CALS! which means tomorrow is starve or 200. either way, life is good.

kris's party ROCKED OUT. haylee and i took nine pictures in the chuckecheese photobooth, it was effing hilarious. they're awesome. and we ate cotton candy! i gave kris a jeff gordon hat and shirt tonight, he loved them more than anything and put them on right away. ROCK! but he'll really love what i'm giving him tomorrow... A HOMESTAR SHIRT I MADE MYSELF. i'm so cool.

his sock hop was fun, too. yayyyyyy sock hops!

cody's coming in like 12 hours. wooo!

OMG OMG OMG DONNY IS AWESOME AND WOAH. WOAH.

oh, and tasha likes cotton candy.
i think that is all.
Princess at 3:37 AM

*****************

Friday, March 12, 2004
Greenskysfall: we meet again
ggglittersoresss: muahahha
ggglittersoresss: SWORD FIGHT TIME!
Greenskysfall: Have at you!!Engarde!!
ggglittersoresss: *slashslashslash*
Greenskysfall: *poke poke poke*
Greenskysfall: Tousche, delightful sword play. *Diiiiing*.. Ahh, time for tea.
ggglittersoresss: *sipsipsip*
ggglittersoresss: PINKY UP JOHN!
ggglittersoresss: GEESH!
Greenskysfall: My bad yo
ggglittersoresss: tis quite alright, old chap.
Greenskysfall: Ok, I can't do this british stuff.... I have british people.
Greenskysfall: hate****
ggglittersoresss: i have british people.
Greenskysfall: I have them in my pocket. Thousands of them
ggglittersoresss: ME TOO
Greenskysfall: As well you should.
Princess at 1:12 AM

*****************

Fu9: i was thinking..
Fu9: you're probably the single hottest girl on the face of the earth
Princess at 12:55 AM

*****************

CRACKERS! CRACKERS! I WANT CRACKERS!
Princess at 12:53 AM

*****************

Thursday, March 11, 2004
gosh darnit.
haylee is grounded because her mom read her diary and thinks she's a lesbian and that i am too, by the way.
nevermind that i have a big bird, you know.
only SHE CAN'T BE GROUNDED BECAUSE TOMORROW IS KRIS'S BIRTHDAY, AND HIS POOR LITTLE HEART WILL BREAK IF HAYLEE ISN'T THERE.
she can't spend the night here anymore, which upsets me so hard.
her mom almost kicked her out, which i would've perferred. BECAUSE THEN SHE COULD JUST COME LIVE HERE, AND WE COULD BE HAPPY LITTLE KIDS.
it makes me absolutely miserable when she's grounded.
AND HOW AM I GOING TO HELP HER WITH HER SCHOOLWORK NOW?!
i was so proud that she got a 98 on her speech. we need to work on her new one, because it would be the awesomest thing ever if she got another really high grade. she's so much smarter than she thinks she is. i know part of it's just because she doesn't make very good grades and it makes you feel SO STUPID.
i totally love her more than anything.
i hate her low self-esteem, and how she's always grounded.

i want food. FOOD.
i shall not want.
shall not.
Princess at 4:55 PM

*****************

where do you get rock salt?
err what does it really do, really?
Princess at 5:17 AM

*****************

man, food sex.
i want biscuits. BISCUITS. with honey and strawberry jam. the crumbly yummy kind you get at breakfast places, like bob evans even though i hate bob evans and only eat biscuits when i go there. WHICH IS A GOOD IDEA, ACTUALLY, TO EAT BISCUITS AT BOB EVANS.
nacho bell grande with no meat, lots of beans. oh dear god.
and a side order of nachos. because the cheese always tastes different by itself.
strawberry lemon ice. extra strawberries, super sour.
strawberrypeachpineapple smoothie without honey.
double decker supreme no meat.
big mac meal no meat.
GRILLED CHEESE WITH CHEESE FRIES AND A CHOCOLATE COKE AT STEAK N SHAKE. with half a bottle of ketchup.
actually, just half a bottle of ketchup.
and half of ranch.
ranch fries.
big ass veggie burgers at ella's deli in madison, CHOCOLATE COKE, double hot fudge sundae and the 32 scoop supreme.
with fries.
crackers. CRACKERS. OH MY GOD CRACKERS. saltines.
pizza giant goldfish.
chocolate covered ruffles.
RUFFLES WITH FRENCH ONION DIP.
COCA COLA.
WITH CHOCOLATE AGAIN.
uno's pizza, cheese please. perferably from chicago.
cheetos.
ANYTHING FROM GHIRADELLI'S. hope i spelled that right.
some dove and godiva chocolate.
peanut m&ms and almond hershey kisses.
a dilly bar.
GUACAMOLE. FROM LITTLE MEXICO.
SOUR CREAM TO GO WITH IT.
sesame seed bagel with neufchatel cheese.
sesame seed pretzel with fake cheese from auntie anne's.
SINUPON!
nutella, straight outta the plastic jar.
cherry tomatoes.
BREADSTICKS HOLY FUCK BREADSTICKS BREADSTICKS BREADSTICKS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.
garlic bread.
spaghetti with mushrooms.
extra cheese pizza hut, hand tossed or deep dish.
BURNT TO THE CRISP SHITTY OVEN PIZZA.
green bananas.
xanax.
Princess at 5:16 AM

*****************

today was a good day. a GOOD day!

i ate not a single bite until dinner, go me! and I WAS ABLE TO GET IT ALL UP, TOO! then nothing more until i was with monica at mcd's drive-through, and decided to try the ice cream, coke, and shower bit. it TOTALLY worked, and i got my coke fix, too! tomorrow (err, today) i'm allowed to eat 400 calories!!!! so i started off with an apple and a graham cracker. fit day is going to count all the calories for the apple, but since it's negative i think i'll put in half. and the graham cracker was 60. imagine! only 60 calories for somehting that tastes like a splurge!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didn't sleep last night, it was horrid. i took brandon to school this morning and had an appt with mike. mom gave me five dollars for lunch, but i'm SO GOOD that i saved it. i'll spend it on a NEGATIVE CALORIE SMOOTHIE next time haylee and i get the crave.

anyway, i came home and talked to cody since he was home sick. GORGEOUS! when haylo got home, i went and picked her up. we sorta just fucked around until dinner, which was nice. papa and uncle joe showed up, so my mom had a sit-down-at-the-table-whilst-i-serve-you-spaghetti deal. SPAGHETTI, PARMESEAN CHEESE, GARLIC CHEESE BREAD, AND LEMONADE. soooooo good. i ate three plates, and like a ton of bread. then haylee and i watched i am sam. pretty movie.

i took her home at 7:30, and as soon as i got home, monica i.m.ed me saying that she needed me, so i headed over there. big drama, boys suck. and she's realizing things about life. i'm really proud of the way she's growing. we had a discussion with her dad, too, which was hilariously interesting. he's cute. and then i took her through the mcd's drive through. i was sort of passing out in the car from exhaustion, so i took her home. mmmmmmmmm ice cream. and COCA COLA!!!!!!!!!!! holy fuck.

shower was great. total ease, taht was. my throat burns a little, but i think it's just going to hurt awhile after yesterday. my hair color got all mixed up and the pink looks like shit. but oh well, the bangs are good haha. i talked to donny for awhile after that. OMG HE'S SO CUTE! we have so much in common, it's crazy. we ended up on the phone with eachother at a little past midnight, TOTALLY AWESOME CONVERSATION. he makes me blush.

then since i couldn't sleep, i ate the apple and graham cracker. which is probably why i can't calm down now. my body is freaking out. I'VE BEEN FED!! haha. also, i took a series of pictures ESPECIALLY for dave *not king arthur* so he can art them up all prettyish. i really like them, i feel reallllllllllllllllly pretty right now. they make me look sorta skinny, even!
http://www.msnusers.com/PrincessBettieTylerVERSIONTWOPOINTOH/shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=16

yeah, they're there.

i am so proud of my progress. i haven't been proud in forever. GO GO DIETS!
Princess at 4:42 AM

*****************

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Religious Anorexic
All of your fasts are guided by Ana's voice in your
head. You probably have a lot of philosophical
ideas about how pain leads to Heaven or
sacrifice equals happiness, and you have
strange rituals like praying before you eat,
writing your weight down in your textbooks, or
arranging food to spell calorie numbers.


What Kind of Anorexic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

oops.
cody agrees.
oopser.
Princess at 1:58 PM

*****************

i'm sitting, staring into space, pretending like anything i do could possibly be productive.

the fat blankets me. i can feel it all over me, eating my little body like a topical cancer. thick and creamy.
i want to cry. i want to cry until there aren't anymore tears and i have to drip fat out of my eyeballs, down my cheeks. or really, anything to rid myself of the way i feel. hideous, that is.

i feel my stomach swell. the food sloshes about everytime i move. i want to scream at it. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BODY, GODDAMMIT. THAT IS NOT WHERE YOU BELONG. i miss starvation. i need starvation. i crave starvation.
the pain that is most comforting of all. the pain of knowing you'll be thinner. the pain of redeeming value, your body telling you want a good girl you've been.

200 calories. that's just a little over two bananas and a glass of orange juice. i was doing so well, you know? and tomorrow, i could have had FOUR bananas, TWO glasses of orange juice! and that would've been ok! but no. i had to ruin it. and so here i am, sore and miserable. because punishment MUST follow these things, or my body will never learn.

i LOVE ana. i MISS ana. i AM ana, she is me. we are one together, always. my only childhood friend that i still have left.
and i will make sweet love to you ana, every time i drink a freezing cold glass of water and chew up and spit out chocolate. i will be faithful to you ana, and i will always listen when you beckon me.

you, mia, you broke my heart. i know this was the first time, but you really let me down. i KNOW you don't like ana, i KNOW it was only to sabotage her, but please... for me... don't hurt me anymore. i still have time for you, i'm still faithful. but now i have to learn to trust you again.
Princess at 4:38 AM

*****************

i have a psych appt in 7 hours.
wonder what joys it will bring!!!
Princess at 4:06 AM

*****************

i could not possibly hate myself more right now.
it was day one of the 2468 diet. as in, 200 calories.
but i freaked and binged.
no big deal, it's just purge-time right? as in, like i do every other day, right?
NO.
NO.
NO.
i've never not been able to throw up before. never. i don't know what happened.
i tried EVERYTHING. finger (which yeah, i lost some but nearly enough), pens, punching myself, hot water and situps, the lifesaver with a string trick.. everything.
but it wouldn't come up.

i am a failure at life.

in other, more hopeful news:
2.5 pounds a week lost, and i'll be 100 by june 6th.
i WILL do it. i MUST.
Princess at 4:06 AM

*****************

Tuesday, March 09, 2004
DO YOU THINK THE LAW APPLIES TO YOU?!?
Princess at 2:14 AM

*****************

Monday, March 08, 2004
WAIT! THEY DON'T LOVE YOU LIKE I LOVE YOU!
Princess at 6:20 PM

*****************

i wrote a huge longass post in here, but this computer is a fucking a-hole and shut itself off as i was posting.

anyway, i'm starting a diet journal to keep myself in line.
so yeah.
Princess at 2:42 AM

*****************

i'm a horrible person.

Bleeeeeeep: hey long time no see how have u been?
ggglittersoresss: sick.
Bleeeeeeep: really?
Bleeeeeeep: with what
ggglittersoresss: leprocy.
ggglittersoresss: weird fucking shit.
Bleeeeeeep: yeah are u ok now?
ggglittersoresss: no man this takes for freaking ever to go away.
ggglittersoresss: i really hope it doesn't kill me.
ggglittersoresss: it's horrible.
Bleeeeeeep: i hope it doesnt either
ggglittersoresss: they're probably going to send me away to some crazy leper island or something where everyone just dies.
ggglittersoresss: kjafna;jfal rjsldafased it sucks so hard.
ggglittersoresss: that's why i had to quit school. i can't freaking do anything anymore.
Bleeeeeeep: ok
Bleeeeeeep: u did
ggglittersoresss: DUH
Bleeeeeeep: i didnt know
ggglittersoresss: i haven't been there since november
Bleeeeeeep: realy i could have sworn i saw u
ggglittersoresss: nope
Bleeeeeeep: dang
ggglittersoresss: god. i'll probably never come back, either.
Bleeeeeeep: y not?
ggglittersoresss: becuase this is going to leave me really deformed. i won't be pretty anymore, and by the time it's over no one will like me.
Bleeeeeeep: realy?i doubt it
ggglittersoresss: yeah i'm like, hideous now. well, especially right now... but hopefully once i get better, all the discoloring in my face and stuff will go away.
ggglittersoresss: i told a lot of people that i was homeschooling so they wouldn't know.. but i'm such a monster now.
ggglittersoresss: *cries*
Bleeeeeeep: i sorry
ggglittersoresss: not your fault.. just, god. everything could not be any worse.
Bleeeeeeep: yeah its gotta suck
ggglittersoresss: man. sucking isn't even the word for it.
ggglittersoresss: i think they're going to cut off my foot.
Bleeeeeeep: y
ggglittersoresss: it's all leprocy-infected... it's like, dying.
Bleeeeeeep: damn
ggglittersoresss: it's all black and green.
ggglittersoresss: no one likes a girl with no foot.
Bleeeeeeep: ew
ggglittersoresss: EXACTLY!
ggglittersoresss: you won't even like me.
ggglittersoresss: no one will.
ggglittersoresss: i'm fucking hideous.
ggglittersoresss: i'm never leaving the house again.
Bleeeeeeep: ill have to see ya to know if i would still like u or not
ggglittersoresss: that hurts.
Bleeeeeeep: u should leave the house its not good for u to be in the house all the time
Bleeeeeeep: im playin
ggglittersoresss: ugly fucks like me should stay locked away.
Bleeeeeeep: now i doubt ur ugly
ggglittersoresss: my face is discolored. my hair falls out in chunks.
ggglittersoresss: i look like a mangled cartoon character.
Bleeeeeeep: dang
Bleeeeeeep: i still doubt ur ugly
ggglittersoresss: green. there are green patches all over me.
ggglittersoresss: GREEN!
Bleeeeeeep: i like green
ggglittersoresss: i doin't think you understand. i look like an animated rotting corpse.
ggglittersoresss: i belong in a freak show.
ggglittersoresss: no one will touch me.
Bleeeeeeep: nacraphiliac would lol
ggglittersoresss: not even funny.
Princess at 12:05 AM

*****************

Saturday, March 06, 2004
being insane is NOT any fun.
don't do it.
Princess at 4:32 AM

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http://quizilla.com/users/youvegoturgun2myhead/quizzes/%26gt%3B%26gt%3BYour%20True%20Music%20Image%26lt%3B%26lt%3B(punkrocker%3F%20thug%3F%20diva-licious%2Cemo-kid%2CMetal%20head%2Cindie%20rocker%3F)/

it hurts me even more.
by the way, i'm a metal-head.
*smack*
Princess at 4:19 AM

*****************

http://quizilla.com/users/BreakingHavok/quizzes/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!%20ARE%20YOU%20GOTH%20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!/

it hurts me.
Princess at 4:16 AM

*****************

he didn't call today. i always speak too soon.
tomorrow, tomorrow, i'll love you tomorrow. you're only a day away.

it's all going down, it's all been down, and i go down deeper this time down on you. and this time, we can't only go up from here. because i know you'd perfer me down on you.

i feel so random. so fucking ocd. i've been crying and flinching a ripping out my hair and hearing voices because MY computer's internet isn't working, and it's one of my routines to sit down and orderly check everything. so now i'm on the back computer that doens't have mylinks and doens't work and it's in the wrong room and it's totally fucking me up. seriously, i'm crying over a goddam location of a computer. what a fucking moron.

i'm dyeing kris's hair blue. MUAHAHA.

i went nuts in my car, screaming and screaming and screaming.
i wish i knew why, or why i keep shaking and pacing now. l;aksjgxicvha.dfe./

FUCK FUCK FUCK I FUCKIUNG HATE BEING PSYCHO IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID GODDAMMIT YES DAMN GOD THAT FUCKING FUCK HOLE I HATE HIM I HATE EVERYTHING FOR MAKIJNG THIS WAY I HATE ME I ALKDHRF;JHVHD SFFJ A:okJTGWEBR;AJRVE IENZXFC
can't breathe, must rip hair, must bite arms, must burn cut bruise skin scrape choke rip.

sickness is eating me alive. sinus infections are officially not my friends. my face feels like it's going to just EXPLODEEEEE.

last night, i got really pretty and took pictures instead of hurting myself. some of them are kinda pretty. makes me feel better about my hideousness.

it was a good day until i walked out of haylee's door. i don't know what happened then.

found out today why i lost my job. the new outreach coordinator decided taht the nursery can only have one fucking babysitter, and gave the job to a woman who already has a full-time job. i want to scream. he hasn't even been at center for more than a couple months to understand what the nursery is, what it means, what the whole church means. these new asses, they don't understand the community we had, the family. we've all left. it's so meaningless and empty and fake now. i miss that stability. it hurts me so badly to see what it's become, or what it's becoming, and i hate that the only real home i ever knew is one taht i'm no longer welcome in.

but it shouldn't surprise me.
everything around me just fucking turns to shit.
i have that special midas touch.
fuck me.
dammit.
Princess at 3:13 AM

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i wish i could be pretty
the way i know you wish i was,
but i can never be a doll
when i'm missing all my parts.
i could be busted at the seams
or sewn up of broken dreams
or my pretty plastic lips could
be pale and colorless.
deformities withholding i confess
that i could never break
your stonecold heart with my cuteness,
that's for sure.
Princess at 3:03 AM

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Friday, March 05, 2004
you always seem to find the beautiful people, but never the ones who are just beautiful.
Princess at 3:34 AM

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oh, the highlight of my day...

it's raining, and i'm on my way to pick up brandon from school. i pull into calvary, waiting in a line of cars, and when i finally pull up to the front brandon forgot micah. so i put myself in park and turned the radio on. norah jones's "sunrise" was on.
so i'm listening to this song that i love so much, calm and sweet, staring at a gorgeous gray sky while the most beautiful, clearest rain ever is dripping down my windshield, and just letting myself relax and be happy for a minute.
it was great. i love serenity.
Princess at 3:22 AM

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today was NOT such a good day.

i could not be sicker. more sick. wahtever.
SINUS INFECTION. NOT STREP THROAT- MUCH WORSE. there's like snot dripping all over me and my face is bluging outta my head and i can't talk right or think or anything i just al;nvs;ldfjgjretba;kjfghvakjdbfvklausdhrrkldbvlkzjrhaklsjerhalsdjf.

cody has called me everyday this week. which hasn't happened in a long ass time.

i henna-ed on pretty stars to my feet last night. makes me feel better about feet.

went to haylee's, even though cody tried to talk me out of it because i was way too sick to go out. but i'm glad i did. we got fazoli's, gas (that rama place on meridian is the COOLEST! gas is not only a buckfiftyeight, but they have every flavor of jones soda!!!), and her speech on xanax done. she's all nervous/pissy but i really think she'll do well.

it was family crisis day in the butler household today.
mom locked her key AND her spare in the car, and as of today she prohibited jerry from speaking to his brother... to make a long story short, he's a drug-addict with a spending problem who's mooched thousands of dollars off us and last night he left pot in jerry's car (which my mom found). soooooo she freaked out, having been married to a druggie once before, and said there is to be no further contact. eep.

my lips are really really chapped. it hurts. and i can't breathe. or spell haha.

i fell asleep on my mom's bed next to kris watching yugioh earlier. it was so cute. he was explaining the show to me since i had no idea what was going on, and it was just the cutest fucking thing i'v ever seen. because HE is the cutest fucking thing i've ever seen. i have the world's cutest brother.

my mom is working at the health fair in the mall tomorrow, 6-8. WHICH MEANS ALL YOU LITTLE FUCKERS WHO READ THIS OR HAPPEN TO READ IT BETTER GO AND SUPPORT HER BORED ASS. i think i'll take kris, he'll enjoy that.

and i'm spossed to wash my dad's truck on saturday formoney. and i better get a lot of fucking money. either for a tattoo or the APC concert.. oh yes.
also, i applied at nirvana.

i want to dye my hair black again.

i've been pondering a lot of politics in my head. and then there's this big debate going on which is really nice to draw from. i've been trying to decide where i stand on capitalism, and anarchy and such. i mean, exactly where i stand. i'm so torn between my poor roots and my dislike for poor moochers. eep.
church of euthanasia. that's where i stand. more people shouldkill themselves.

the guitar is next to me, i really want to smash it.

i started writing a poem today, and it was flowing really well in my head, but then i got on here to type it out and the computer wasn't working and it frustrated me so hard that i forgot it. which made me want to kill everything.

i'm too honest, and too simple. and that's what makes me so complicated.
the end.
Princess at 3:16 AM

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Thursday, March 04, 2004
it was a good, good day.

got up early, and showered and watched elmo's world with my mom.
and made fun of mr. rogers, who went to a special olympics practice on today's episode.
then cody called, so i go dressed and got in the car to see him.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT DANVILLE IS A FUCKING HOUR AWAY?!?!?!
*sigh*.

i got a little lost right by his house, but for the majority of the drive (58 minutes of the 60) i was successful.
holy fucking crap, it was better than good to see him.
hoe. lee. car. app.
kisses. oh, the kisssessssss.
and the WOBBUCKET for shut up kisses *giggle*.
pizza, and throwing up. he was mad. but we made up.
WRESTLING! which i love. i always win, i'm so cool. hahah.
laying in his arms. watching his brother play pokemon.
i'm a total dork for loving it that much. but it was perfect.

drove home in the rain.. so pretty. i'm really fucking sick.

i really hope haylee didn't get her tattoo today without me. i'll be crushed if she did.. but oh well.
my dad is paying me to wash his car this satuday. aawwwwwwesome.

and i binged again, after i got home. puking is NO GOOD for sore throats.

i love him so much more than hot chocolate, even.
woaaaaah.
Princess at 12:30 AM

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Wednesday, March 03, 2004

♥Bettie and ♥Big bird

Are rumoured to have had two superior girls. Wish to read at every opportunity. Planning to build a home in Euphoria.

Orchestrated by ianiceboy

or better yet..

♥Big bird and ♥Princess bettie

Secretly had two evil girls. Like to share their hearts for the good of the free world. Harbour intense love for each other. Hold out hope.

Orchestrated by ianiceboy

Princess at 11:40 PM

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