i went to his house today.
and cuddled and kissed and loved him.
no wait, he cuddled and kissed and loved me.
and it was a mutual ordeal.
and we watched wayne's world and
picked out who's-who for the characters.
i've been theorizing all along that xtian is
really garth.
and the skinny strung out one was chris.
and magen is stacey. which is hottness in lara flynn boyle
(my thinspiration).
and also, wayne says..
"it will be mine."
and cody looked at me and told me that's what he said
about me, the first time he saw me.
and then also he said it to xtian talking about me.
and i felt honored.
in the kitchen, his mom randomly starts a sentence with,
"if you guys grow up and get married,.."
it caught me off guard.
i liked it.
she just went on to say he doesn't know how to do anything
productive relating to general home activities.
but i just laughed and said i can't do anything either.
and cody said no, i can do laundry!
and he can mow the lawn!
and he can make a mean ramen!
and i can make macaroni!
and i can make spaghetti!
and i just made my first batch of brownies that.. turned out as brownies!
whew.
his mom was like,
great. two people who can't do anything.
what a perfect couple.
i liked it.
"marry me."
he says it all the time.
and he means it.
and i'm like, oklet'sgorightnow.
and he says, ok.
and then he kisses me.
i told my mom today that i was getting a hello kitty tattoo.
she didn't freak out.
maybe she figured this much?
i'm going to prom with brittany.
he BEGGED me not to go,
but to stay with him instead.
he said i oculd wear my pretty dress here, and he promised to dance with me.
it was the cutest fucking thing.
he actually made me consider not going.
but then i realized that brittany needs me.
so he can wait till next week to spend the usual night.
i am sort of going insane missing our sacred
...weekly night...
together.
we didn't have it last week. and not this week either.
OH MY GOD!
heh, we're pathetic.
i guess that's what...
well, nevermind. there's no excuse for our degree of patheticeness.
he's never seen 'so i married an axe murderer.'
it's one of my favorite movies ever,
seriously.
and since we like to sit around and watch mike myers movies repeatedly,
i'm thinking it needs to be seen.
so now i have to find it.
and it'll be a reallllllllllllly special date, maybe for next week.
woah, it's special date time.
since i can't be with him this week.
man, i'm so cool.
i'll make that crazy onion dip i made over the summer that he actually ate
(with onions! gasp!)
and get some meatless double deckers and watch
so i married an axe murderer
and it'll be so freaking perfect.
i'm such a good girlfriend sometimes.
Fu9: i love you.
Fu9: ::gets on one knee::
Fu9: let's get marrigized.
...
Auto response from Fu9: <3 my wife.. pepsi milk.
haha...
....
yeah, hot dogs gave me a second name.
i'm milk. he's cereal.
we're the awesome, haha.
well. that's all for now, kids.
cody has tomorrow off, which means lots of time for me to talk on the phone with him about nothing
(since i'm stuck here while jerry has his wisdom teeth and some others cut out, ew).
and then later on it's beef n boards with magen.
she's spending the night, too!
woo!
and then the next morning i'll pick cody up!
woo!
and then he can help me get ready for prom and see how gorgeous i am and make me gorgeouser like i get when i'mwith him, all happy-glowish.
woo!
and then momm and i will go to prom and after prom and have tons of fun!
because we're so neat like skeetskeetskeetskeet!
woooooooo!
saweet dreams everyone.
Princess at 2:55 AM
now for the real entry.
working out is good stuff.
definitely worked out for an hour and a half again today, and it was awesome.
it seriously motivates me to use my fitday, hahah. i always feel really good about myself once i've actually put an entry in that thing, seeing how many more calories i burn (by just being a partially functional human being) than i eat. even if i've totally binged.
I SUCCESSFULLY MADE BROWNIES BY MYSELF TODAY!
they were good, too.
i'm so freaking proud.
i took a shower. trimmed my bangs.
made plans for tomorrow.
did a bunch of schoolwork.
went over a bunch more with mom.
i'm seriously a good girl today.
also, i'm going to stop talking to some people for awhile.
think: everyone who isn't improving my situation as they interact with me.
yes, this is selfish.
no, i don't care.
why? because i need to pay less attention to everyone else and start freaking taking care of myself alittle.
so to everyone who needs me to be your mommy or role model or whatever all the goddamn time:
sorry, grow up.
no cody on friday.
thorougly upsetting.
jerry's having his wisdom teeth cut out.
i have to go see the music man that night, and since jerry will be here at home,
that means i get to pick a date.
WHO WILL THIS MYSTERY PERSON BE?
not:
haylee, because she's not ever allowed to do anything with me, not even if it's in a big group of my freaking family. plus it'll last late and she's not allowd to spend the night.
cody, because he has nowhere to go after the ordeal.
so. if you're a mystery person who wants to go to stupidfreaking beef&boards on friday with me to see the music man,
that is awesome.
the plan for tomorrow:
get up at 2.
curl hair, or make some faint effort to look cute.
go to drama class.
call magen after it's over.
pick up magen.
go to baskin robbin's for FREE SCOOP NIGHT.
eat margarita ice and have good times.
take magen to youth group at center.
cry in my car because i'm not in attendance.
go to the y and work out for an hour instead.
come home and do 9.875 literature assignments.
watch futurama.
take promethazyne.
sleep.
let's hope i don't screw this up.
Princess
at 4:51 AM
*clears throat*
BLOGGER>BLOOP.
BLOGGER>LIVEJOURNAL.
BLOGGER>EVERYTHING ELSE.
see that you stupid fucky community-oriented pieces of shit? blogger fucking eats you. check out that crocodile. he's not hungry for your stupid drama-run ass, oh no. he's craving some gorgeous html-friendly, code-loving, no-comment, easier-to-use, beayouteefull blogger.
Princess
at 4:28 AM
today, cody called me "crackerette."
it was awesome.
i love going to the y.
what a dork face.
and i'm excited about class on wednesday.
double dorkface.
woah.
i just have so much on my mind, stuff that should have been banished so many years ago. but it's like it just won't settle, and i have to get all rattled up for every assimilation.
it just sort sets in this different perspective for awhile.
and it makes me hate everyone for expecting sympathy for their petty day-to-day ordeals, or for expecting me to be alright with them, even.
especially all these petty relationship problems,
which is hypocritical of me i guess.
since i put my relationships so high on my priority list.
but i just keep feeling like
everyone's lives are on repeat,
because i keep seeing the same situations play out again and again
but everyone treats them like IT'S THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF DRAMATIC TEENS.
yeah, my breakups were traumatic, i can't deny it.
but with john, i lost all my friends,
and it wasn't like he just said "i'm dumping you" and i cried for days on end and cut myself a few times and it was weird seeing him after that.
i totally didn't get any time to heal, which resulted in a ridiculously long aftermath of me trying to heal.
unfortunately.
and the cory thing was just delicate.
we'd been together for... years,
which to me is a little more extreme than three months,
and he was my only friend who knew me before and after my move,
not to mention my ONLY friend for an entire year.
still, though, we didn't treat it like everyone else is right now.
i mean,
we cried together for a day for the death of the beauty that we'd known for those two years-
the only thing that had saved us from our hectic outer lives (which i can guarantee were more hectic than most).
but after that,
we picked ourselves up and kept being friends
and figured out how to suck it up.
what's everyone's deal?
if you've been with someone two months
and you're sick of eachother,
or can't keep faithful or whatever,
without added factors like abuse..
you're going to live, you're going to be fine, quit acting like it's the end of the world.
because it's not.
you have friends, you have family, you have staples, you have yourself.
it's one point of your life- yes, a high point, but still a point that you've lived fine without-
and only one.
so now, i'm going to think this out for my current situation.
if for some odd reason cody and i were to break up tomorrow,
i would cry a great deal and hurt myself probably, yes.
i would be extremely hurt because he has been the person
most understanding and connected to me
for the last year and a half,
and i do have my heart set on the notion that we'll continue to develop.
as a couple, anyway.
but, if we were breaking up,
i would cry.
for a few days, probably.
while on the phone with him, probably.
and spend a lot of time eating and vomiting.
and reassessing my life.
and life itself.
and i would try to talk to other people about it and realize that any efforts to do so are failed,
except to talk to him about it because he's the only other person who knows what i'm talking about.
and i would probably call cory,
who would come over and watch movies with me for a few nights in a row
and try to kiss me.
and i'd let him, gladly.
except that after he left, i'd cry because i wasn't kissing cody. (which.. this part was exempt from the john situation.)
i'd get obsessed with a certain type of music,
and begin compulsively and constantly watching a certain few movies (probably nightmare before christmas, because it reminds me of sleeping on his lap).
at which point i'd recede into the blank state for probably a few weeks.
after this, i'd decide that i needed to start dating to take my mind off of this.
which means taking showers, which i've probably neglected, and putting on makeup
and dressing up.
also i'd decide that i needed to start eating better.
then i'd get extremely involved in an all-too-fast intimate relationship that will last for a maximum of three weeks.
which i won't care has come to an end.
if my communication has been limited with cody until now (which it probably has been to some extent because he'll feel extremely awkward in my world of blank stares and compulsive behavior),
i'll take up talking to him again.
and he'll then assume his prior position-
the one he assumed before romantic involvement-
of an extremely in-tune and rare calibur of boy
who is along for the ride
on my one-way track to hell.
all of this is, of course, assuming that by the time we've broken up
nothing else major is going on
(ie, my dad trying to get back into my life, etc)
that is making me consider suicide.
which, if i don't succeed,
will just extend the period of the blank state.
and if i do succeed, our story ends there.
i think i'll let him read this odd exploration into the previously unknown.
i feel much better now having analyzed this.
but in a few hours, i'll probably be even more annoyed with someone.
oh well.
Princess
at 2:30 AM
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/milkandcereal.html
fucking marry me.
Princess
at 11:28 PM
today's profound statement a la haylee:
ggglittersoresss: i don't necessarily think that you're totally in love, but i do believe that there are different degrees of love and you are finding yourself currently in one.
hnrstrwbRRy 32: idk if i'm even finding myself in a degree. who knows dude, every degree of anything i'm in is negative.
Princess
at 9:36 PM
i don't feel accomplished.
i don't feel better.
i just feel like a loser with a bunch of sissy first layer skin wounds.
stupid.
Princess
at 12:36 AM
i wouldn't even consider it a relapse.
it's not my signature depth.
so it doesn't count.
and i'm not telling.
Princess
at 12:34 AM
listen up fuckbag.
it replays in my mind, and i'm terrified every time.
i cry, my brain is squeezing itself out of my ears and my lungs are threatening total shutdown.
i need him here, i want him here to save me.
i'm giong to lay down and close my eyes and it'll all be there again.
only guess who stars this time.
not a beautiful little blonde girl, not the one with the beautiful eyes and shy glances down.
no, this girl is different.
this girl is me, only i'm not in her body.
it's a movie, and i watch it.
it's a movie i've watched several times before, routinely at one point.
but it never loses its edge, and i'm always unsuspecting as to what's going to happen next.
it's new, every time.
i watch the girl scream, i watch her fall to her knees.
and i look down to see the scrape on my own.
i see the girl hit him, i see her throw across the room.
only i'm the one with the clenched fists, i'm the one with the bruises.
this girl just keeps going.
i can't stop her.
i scream at the screen, ordering it to change courses.
i tell her not to go through this door, not to pick up that fork, not to open her mouth.
but she does it, always.
and i suffer the consequences.
this girl, the chubby one with big blue eyes and curly pigtails.
or the girl with the long highlight hair and long eyelashes.
the busty one with thick lips and long nails.
all of these girls.
they're me, mine.
it's my life.
it's my dream.
it never stops.
and it never loses its edge, in my sleep.
so constantly, i'm sleeping.
i'm awake, but only half.
i can't escape the dreams.
so i need him here to stop the dreams.
i need him here to absorb my energy.
i need to know that if the movie plays again i can wake up and be with a male, someone bigger than me, and not be scared.
i need to wake up and be with someone who can save me from the dreams.
no, save me from the truth.
from the past.
stop the cycle.
shut my head off.
and i'm begging the air, the moon, my dog.
please send him to me.
please give him back.
but he doesn't come.
and i know he's at home, lying on his futon, playing dr. robotnik's bean busters and not thinking about me.
so i cry.
i'm the girl in the movie,
crying because no one comes back for her.
not even the one who was going to save her from her dreams,
or her past and present.
i'm the girl in my movie.
and no one's going to save me.
Princess
at 11:36 PM
so this is the weird fucking prose all over me.
broken spirit...
like broken promises, broken homes, or broken hearts. broken like all the times i've fallen apart and there wasn't enough glue in the world to pout me back together. broken like dysfunctional and all the drunk joyride times your fat fingers played a song in his screams on my lap. or broken, maybe, like my memory process and all the work i have to do to forget or remember you.
broken, maybe, like skin and bones and blood vessels like footprints in the path you've been down. broken like glass shards of cherry vodka bottles; a telltale mark of the broken thinkgs you left behind. like me. broken like telephone cords you cut us off from help with, or broken like doors you kicked in to tear me away from my sanctuary. broken like murder in her porcelain dolls and the broken shards on the piano.
broken like your hole-in-the-floor car taht i fell through, or broken like my hand you'd never hold. broken like her car when you flooded it and our resources to laugh. broken like cracks in the walls of your roach motel, and the mounds of broken beer cans and piza boxes that played decor.
broken, like me, still, and my spirit. broken like our communication, like our conversations. or how you encounter me. broken like your laugh, like the breaks you took from me when i refused to break or walk away.
broken like tires on interstates and the nails i broke almost dying for your forgetfulness. broken like the neighborhood and the trap set in the middle of the street with robbers, which you made us sleep next to in your broken truck with broken locks. broken like my childhood, the one i'll never live out. and broken like me, like how you broke my spirit.
Princess
at 10:30 PM
only a true idiot would consider suicide to a britney spears song.
fucking butterfly effect.. now i can't fucking shut my brain off and i .. ....
aokj;liszdjicfurebfrhaH;lija;oifh a;ruhbzs;rkjfcwa
i hate my fucking dad, i hate him i hate him hate him hate hate hate him.
i have five paragraphs on my legs. i'll post them later.
Princess
at 9:44 PM
listening to heart shaped box.
we should be together right now, sneaking around downstairs and putting my dogs up together.
but we're not. and i'm crying. to our song. like a loser. that i am.
vh1 just had some when metal ruled the world show just now.
and i caught it just in time to watch its downfall, which i loved immensely.
"i think what killed the metal scene was the song smells like teen spirit."
and just for that, nirvana, i love you.
plus my boyfriend loves you, and i'm wearing his nirvana shirt.
video games.
GO!
frogger is awesome, but it's so much better on atari than my fucking playstation.
someone please give me an atari since my fucking dad won't give me mine.
poor atari in the frozen tundra getting no play.
i would play you, atari, and your frogger/pacman/donkeykong/etc, too.
cody deserves a cool mixtape.
i want to make it right this very minute, but i'm working really hard to wait until his birthday so that more songs can be added and it'll be an awesome super mixtape.
which is only like, a little over two months from now.
which is freaking weird, because by then... we will have been together almost a year.
he says that for him it was... july 13th, i believe.
awesome, i say.
so i just did some research and it WAS july 13th.
and i laughed because that was two days before i made this blog.
and in my first entry i talk about having a crush on him.
which makes me laugh.
i mean, what it took me almost a whole year to admit that? what a loser.
i finally fixed my fucking board.
it's beautiful, a picture of me and cody.
and took off that stupid link to my old page.
stupid page.
of which i'm deleting now.
yeah, i'll go do that.
Princess
at 2:21 AM
no cody today.
a lot of hours with no one in the house.
a lot of times watchign the big lebowski.
crying.
a lot of medicine in my system.
feeling totally sedated.
tired.
want steak n shake.
thinking about driving there.
missing cody some more.
went to haylee's for an hour and a half, about.
watched big lebowski, fell asleep.
promethazyne sucks.
Princess
at 12:04 AM
binged ALL day yesterday- at half the croutons, all the goldfish, half the economy size lemonade powder, a wholllle bunch of ranch, half the bag of rice cakes, a HUGE order of french fries, fruit snacks, and an assload of candy.
started my period today, right before i went to cody's.
it's been seven weeks.
WHAT THE EFF?
so yeah, it's the worst period i can ever remember having.
and i'm out of my fucking naproxen.
just kill me now.
at least i had cody.
poor kid.
we played dr. robotnik's bean busters like fucking crazy, and watched the mask and pirates of the caribbean and cuddled on his new futon and went to the video store and whatever.
some crazy driver parked sideways in front of my car, and came up to my window and started yelling insane shit at me. i just stared at him, which actually re3ally surprises me considering that i'm such a bitch and usually would have insults and sarcasm rolling off the tip of my tongue at this fuck, especially since i just started my fucking period after seven weeks of worrying my ass off.
"have you ever had your hands on a steeringwheel before?"
*stares.*
"first you stop when it's not a four way stop, then you try to pass me while i'm pulling in my driveway, then ...*i quit listening right about now and just stared at his ugly sunglasses*... AND WITH YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE CAR?"
*stares.*
he was fucking out of his mind. i stopped at the four way, and he fucking pulls around me and i almost him because he's speeding and coming out of nowhere, and then he pulls perpendicular up to the road a good way into the neighborhood and i just sit there thinking... nice fucking turn signal.... and he fucking gets out of the car to yell at me like HE HAD ANY IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. so me and hunter and cody just sit there staring at him and his audacity, kind of dumbfounded.
with young people in the car. what a fucker. i wanted to be like HOW FUCKING OLD DO YOU THINK I AM STUPID? NOT AS OLD AS YOUR ASS, BECAUSE THESE SURE AS HELL AREN'T MY KIDS, GRAY HAIR.
FUCK NO, I'VE NEVER HANDLED A STEERING WHEEL, I'M JUST OUT HERE FUCKING JOYRIDING TO PISS OFF GRAYING ASSHOLES WHO CAN'T DRESS THEMSELVES OR DRIVE LIKE YOU.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD REMOVE THOSE THICK 80'S STYLE SUNGLASSES, BECAUSE I THINK THOSE COMBINED WITH THE FACT THAT YOU'RE GOING SENILE, OLD MAN, ARE FUCKING WITH YOUR PERCEPTION OF WHAT A DRIVER IS SUPOSSED TO DO.
LIKE STOP AT STOP SIGNS, YOU OLD BASTARD.
MAYBE IN YE OLDE ENGLISH STOP DOESN'T MEAN PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE FUCKING BRAKE AND TAKE THE TIME TO LOOK BOTH WAYS, BUT WE NEW FANGLED YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE THIS THING CALLED OBEYING THE FUCKING LAW, SO BACK THE FUCK UP BEFORE I PULL SOME OF MY CRAZY YOUNG SHIT ON YOUR ASS AND BREAK YOUR OSTEOPEROSIS RIDDEN BONES, YOU HICK.
but i didn't say any of that.
i wish i did.
we had pizza when we got home. i ate four pieces and a breadstick, because i'm in bingemode that's why.
it was good.
then we played more beanbusters, watched some cat in the hat, he gave me lots of kiss, rubbed my tummy, whatever.
i had bad moodswings all day. BAD ONES.
and took maybe a total of twenty advil.
i needed more, but whatever.
cody gets all nervous and thinks i'm going to kill myself with it.
but i'm sort of convinced after taking 50 and not having to have my stomach pumped that i'm going to be alright, and if i'm in that much pain it doens't really matter.
it's not like i can save my stomach at this point, anyway.
jerry- and the rest of my family or whatever- didn't call me all day. to see if i was alright, to check up on me, to see when i was coming home. which was cool with me i guess, just kinda weird.
when i DID get home, around 10, jerry was watching the big lebowski so i sat down to watch with him. it was really good, i liked it really hard.
then he went to pick up mom and brandon, and they got home around midnight.
she brought me home williamshakespeare:sonnets, burt's bees lipbalm in strawberry, and some double chocolate hot cocoa mix from ghiraridelli's (or however you spell it- it's my favorite).
which was sweet of her.
brandon didn't say a word to me.
i lasted the entire day on one tampon.
a pearl, even, of which i'm going to get more when i drive to get my script filled in the morning.
yayuh.
i shaved my legs and redyed my bangs last night. they look good.
i'm so bloated, in so much pain, filled with twix, reese's, chocolate cow tales, double hot chocolate with whipped cream, macaroni n cheese, and white grapejuice, and waiting for my finnergan to kick in.
i took some last night along with some ativan i found laying around since i was frekaing out in pain. which it's not a big deal, because my mom gave it to me in bad situations anyway, we just haven't gotten that script filled for awhile so i was really glad.
i guess though, after i sort of lost consciousness, i was still bingeing on candy and found chocolate money in my brother's room where i was sleeping... and i guess i couldn't get the net part open to get them out or something, because wehn i woke up this morning there was chocolate everywhere and just this little net filled wiht crumpled, tooth-indented foil and chocolate seeping out.
whatever, it was probably good.
i put my ring back in.
hasn't swelled yet.
waiting for nirvana to call.
need a job and don't want one.
need a better job where i can put my skills to use.
cody's coming over later today, too, since it's a sacred saturday.
awesome.
i want to see texas chainsaw massacre with him.
and hear him laugh when i tickle him.
he bit the apple of my cheek today like a tard. it was hilairous.
reflux sucks.
i miss haylee.. again.
i'm in desperate need of a new heatpad, since mine broke andi'm at a loss without it.
and in desperate need of money to pay for gas so i can stop asking my mom, and to save up for moving out.
today hunter asked me wherei wanted to go to college.
and i think i've decided that i want to go to chicago.
i told cody today about how, when i get older, i want to transform the inside of a delapidated-looking barn into a part new-age, part antique-themed live in studio.
he thought it sounded awesome.
it's so cool how not a lot has changed between us since we were friends.
i mean yeah, we get closer and closer and more intimate or whatever but..
we still have a lot of the same conversations, like where we want to live together and stuff.
which we had before, but the intentions concerning living together were more plutonic.
only i like it better this way.
yeah, all i ever write about is him. i suck.
but i don't even care, he makes me happy and everyone else can eat a fucking carrot.
i had so much fun palying video games with him today.
it's weird that it was the first time we ever played together, since i'm a tetris ADDICT and he's a video game nerd.
but whatever, it was awesome nonetheless.
i dont think i have anything else to say, which is cool because now i'm giong to go lay down.
night psychos.
Princess
at 2:03 AM
oh, i switched around this template and my poetry blog one.
Princess
at 2:00 AM
can't sleep.
will be at cody's in less than 12 hours.
watching family guy.
bored bored bored bored.
Princess
at 1:52 AM
i am a total loser.
no way of getting around it.
going tomorrow to see cody at noon.
good stuff.
i'm in a lot of pain.
that's not so good stuff.
especially since i only have 1 naproxen left.
nope, not good at all.
my life is tetris, the phone, and alice in wonderland six days a week. what a fucking loser.
Princess
at 9:53 PM
sitting alone, curled up in the middle of my floor bawling my eyes out and scribbling on my mirror.
cody's phoneline won't let me call him.
jerry won't let my lay in my mom's spot on the bed.
she's not here.
i want to starve.
i watched the barbi twins on e true hollywood story.
i hate myself for it.
i hate them.
i hate being alone.
i'm so pathetic.
Princess
at 9:42 PM
[my name is]: Bettie Lanee Tyler.
[in the morning i am]: trying to go to sleep.
[love is]: half hour away, asleep on a spider-infested futon.
[i dream about]: twisted alice in wonderland b-movies.
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: height?
[last person you kissed?]: cody.
[last person you hugged?]: my baby brother.
[last person you cuddled with]: cody.
[last person you went out with?]: cody.
[last person u slow danced with]: cody.
-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: cody. this is getting old.
[is easiest to talk to]: depends on the subject. probably lindsay, though i haven't in forfreaking ever. next to her is brittany, and haylee hahah.
[do you trust the most?]: cody.
[would you like to kill?]: i shouldn't say *innocent look*.
[couldnt you live without?]: .....should i type it again?
[makes you laugh the most]: haylee and lindsay.
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: currently down.
[eaten tofu]: yes.
[broken an electronic device]: all too often.
[said something you didnt mean]: what do you think this journal is for?
[gone bungee jumping/sky diving?]: i wish. can't wait. will go with magen this summer.
[been on stage?]: a zillion times.
[eaten/drank something gross?]: the...eight?...years of my life eating meat.
[been stuck in an elevator]: my whole childhood after brandon.
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: cody. big surprise?
[you instant messaged]: brittany.
[you laughed with]: magen.
[you sang with]: ...i'm not actually sure.
[you yelled at]: brandon.
[got yelled at by]: brandon.
[got in trouble with]: no one?
[drove aimlessly with]: magen.
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer?]: no freaking way. i'm actually addicted now... when i was in FL without it, i got really nervous and panicky. all my rituals and patterns are based around my computer. OCD much?
[what's your favorite food?]: uno's pizza. but it changes every day.
[whats youur favorite fruit?]: cherries, lemons or strawberries. but it changes, too.
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: EMOTIONAL. physical pain... does anything but hurt, haha.
[trust others way too easily?]: unfortunately.
[watch tv alot?]: no, but i always have it on so that i don't feel alone.
[spend too much money?]: WAY too much.
[care what people think of you?]: no, not the majority. but i'm coming to think that maybe i care what some people think and didn't realize it. i have a really hard time with certain people thinking lowly of me.
LIKE HAYLEE'S MOM.
eep.
-N U M B E R-
[of times i have had my heart broken? ]: no comment.
[of hearts i have broken?] : more than i'll admit to.
[of boys i have kissed?]: i have NO clue.
[of girls i have kissed?] : i have NO clue.
[of drugs taken illegally?] : i have NO clue.
[of tight friends?] : three. two. one. zero. blastoff.
[of cd's that i own?] : i have NO clue.
[of scars on my body?] : I HAVE NO CLUE!
[of things in my past that i regret?] : i try not to regret. this is giving me something to think about though.
-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[i know]: now that i am loved.
[i want]: stability, peace of mind, to fastforward a few years, and to live with cody.
[i have]: beauty in an unbreakable jar, of which i'm prying the lid off of through a very time-consuming manner.
[i wish]: on stars every time i see them.
[i hate]: the way i feel and the things i do to myself. and the way PEOPLE make me feel and what they make me do to myself.
[i miss]: lindsay and katy.
[i fear]: myself, people, my afflictions, my past, committment, god, fat, spiders, needles, memories, loss, loneliness and letting myself go.
[i hear]: everything horrible and nothing good. silly me.
[i search]: for the answers, and for god.
[i love]: cody. and what he makes me, and my life when he's with me.
[i ache]: knowing that i'm missing out on my sisters' lives. and lindsay's.
[i care]: too much for my own good.
[i always]: am here for anyone.
[i dance]: without stopping.
[i cry]: every day that i can't forget myself.
[i do not always]: want to know the truth. sometimes even with some things being denied, everything is too much for me.
[i write]: constantly things that are so heartfelt and meaningful, but things that no one else can decipher.
[i confuse]: myself, above all. a lot of other people fall under the illusion that they understand me.
[i can usually be found]: biting my lip.
-WHO'S A-
[wuss]: me.
[daydreamer]: me. brittany.
[freak]: me.
[brat]: me.
[sarcastic]: haylee and cody.
[angel]: all my friends. FRIENDS.
[devil]: me.
[friend]: anyone who's been mentioned so far.
[shy]: cody.
[talkative]: liiinnnddsaayyy
[adventurous]: me.
[intelligent]: cody.
-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)-
[impacted you the most spiritually]: cody. love makes me all weird.
[wish you saw more often]: ALL OF THEM.
[knows you best]: i never really know until it's over. but so far, i'm thinking haylee knows what's coming best, and cody understands why.
[best outlook on life]: katy. everyone else is nuts. admit it, kids.
[Most paranoid]: cody, for sure.
[sweetest]: lindsay.
-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]: i'm good to the people i love. i try really hard.
[your biggest flaw (personality)]: i treat myself horribly. whether or not i deserve it.
[most annoying thing you do]: rip out my hair. panic. make really stupid freaking choices. obsess. i get really annoyed with myself quite often.
[describe your personality in one word]: paradox.
[the physical feature for which you are most complimented]: my mom likes my eyes and lashes. guys like my boobs. cody likes my lips and thick legs.
[height]: five two and three quarters.
[a smell that makes you smile]: haylee (lovespell- i smell it everywhere and always smile).
[a city you'd like to visit]: new york.
[a drink you order most often]: order? as in sit down restraunt? virgin strawberry daiquiries.
[a delicious dessert]: chocolate silk pie with chocolate whipped cream.
[a book you highly recommend]: bitch by elizabeth wurtzel.
[your favorite band]: jack off jill.
[a film you could watch over and over]: breakfast at tiffany's, alice in wonderland, fight club, nightmare before xmas. (all of which i do watch over and over.)
[a TV show you watch regularly]: futurama and family guy.
[you live in a(n)]: delusion.
Princess
at 5:04 AM
today was definitely cool.
EARLY this morning, before i went to sleep, i cut the shoulder out of a shirt and it's really awesome looking.
and i was talking to eriq, and he said a bunch of things that made me feel really special, and talked about how he needed to see me.
then i went to sleep on the back couch from 4-8, but got up at 8 and relocated to my mom's bed and proceeded to sleep until 12:22, when cody called and woke me up. so yeah, we talked (which was awesome) while i worked on my linoleum carving until my mom got home, and then she and i went to michael's and steak n shake drive through so i could get CHOCOLATE COKE AND CHEESE FRIES.
came home and danced around to stuff and drank a bunch of water. and teased kris. then jerry came home, so i went to magen's, but got lost and had to call cody to get me to her house (because he used to live there) but he got me even more lost.... and right as his phone died i found it. but he still called rose and got magen's number for me, which was cute, only too late.
soooooooo magen and i got gas, took crazy pictures, went to the mall, SAW ERIQ THERE, picked up applications, stalked random people, bought a smoothie, took more stupid pictures, and had a ton of fun. it really felt like the old crazy chick nights we used to have with natalie and jenny, which was so freaking awesome. it was about a year ago that chick nights started... i miss them SO HARD. i miss the girls, and feeling like everything was ok, and harmless fun that i don't get to have much of anymore. and getting out of the house.
today was the awesome.
i'm happy.
i think i'm going to make a new skirt or something to wear to class tomorrow.
WOOO!
Princess
at 10:06 PM
seeing haylee is cool.
being scared out of your mind and needing- not wanting, NEEDING- your cody is not.
and also needing a kiss on my big stupid tummy that hurts so bad.
i can't sleep.
mommy gets home in six hours. i miss her.
am i five?
yes.
i ca'nt wait for her to get home so we can lay down and watch cartoons and animal planet on her comfty bed, of which is currently occupied and forbidding me to comfty myself out.
so i get to sleep on the floor.
by myself.
sad.
and not sleeping.
goshdarnit, i need him so bad right now. i'm so freaking scared, and i need him here to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and tell me everything's going to be ok, because even if i tell myself it doesn't help because i don't trust myself. ;lkjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjaslidkfjve. why does he have to be so far away?
tomorrow i'm going for the test.
i was going to see haylee, but i have to freaking get this out of the way.
and i think i have to take kris to soccer. but if not, then i'll see haylee. i'd have her come with me, but her mom won't let her go anywhere- not even to the YMCA to watch my little brother play soccer. which sucks, but it's all my fault for being low-class trash. so yeah, i get to sit by myself through his practice tomorrow, which i'm SO excited for, because everyone knows how much i love the fact that I'M ALWAYS ALONE. ugh.
the girls at youth group make me feel worthless.
and being at haylee's and knowing what her mom thinks of me is even worse.
i don't like myself in the least.
but you know who does? cody.
that's why he should be here liking me.
one fifty two am.
24 hours ago we were laying down on my couch half-sleeping and talking about everything. well, he was reassuring me.
he's good at that.
how many more months? SIXTEEN MORE MONTHS.
until what? I'M EIGHTEEN.
and how many more months? just over TWENTY SIX MORE MONTHS.
until what? CODY'S EIGHTEEN.
and then what happens? HE'S MINE 24/7.
AND HE CAN GET ME ICE CREAM AT 3 AM.
AND ALSO KISS ME ON THE FOREHEAD WHEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
AND MAYBE EVEN GET ....MARRIED.... IF I DECIDE I EVER WANT TO DO THAT.
that's what.
my punkin got pregnant and married at 17.
amazing.
i was thinking about this last night.
weird.
hayleehayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee, how i miss thee so.
it really sucks when one best friend and one best sister lives in wisconsin, one best friend/bigbird is an hour away, and one best friend never sees you because you're a big trashy whore.
at least the hour away part isn't my fault.
haylo and i were talking tonight on her floor about "new friends."
we don't even WANT new friends, that's what.
new people are the suck.
adam used that phrase more than once today.
i hate it when haylee and i are sad.
but i hate it even more when we can't be sad together, which makes us happy.
i miss being in the hall with her when we shared a locker and teasing about our panic attacks until they went away, or we giggled enough to just make it through the next block.
;lakjvoie.
i'm done.
Princess
at 2:00 AM
Copy to your journal and bold and enlarge the font to the things that apply to you:
01.I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with high heels.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love dangly earrings.
06. I am a Libra.
07. I love beer.
08. I'm obsessed with mac n cheese.
09. I can't live without lip-gloss.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I lived in Italy for 2 months.
12. I spend money I don't have.
13. I'll be in college forever.
14. I've seen Jason Mraz 6 times.
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I eventually want kids
17. I love NSYNC.
18. I have more than a couple horrible memories. *to put it lightly..*
19. I'm addicted to Lizzie McGuire, and pretty much every other Disney show.
20. I am a person.
21. My first kiss was when I was 18. And it was in Rome.
22. I start film school in February. *i freaking wish.*
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I dislike girls who are fake.
25. I can be mean when I want to.
26. My dreams are bizarre.
27. One of my best friends is gay.
28. I have way too many purses.
29. I've seen Fight Club at least 45 times.
30. I dress how I feel that day
31. I love sex and the city
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I hate when people are late.
34. I procrastinate.
35. I love winter.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I were smarter.
39. I'm afraid of flying.
40. I hate drama.
41. I am addicted to The O.C.
42. I love my hair
43. I never fight with my parents.
44. I love the beach. *at night, anyway.*
45. I have never had the chicken pox.
46. I'm excited for the future.
47. I can't control my emotions
48. I can't wait till New Year's.
49. I love the show 'Rich Girls'
50. I love my friends.
51. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I have never broken a bone.
54. I hate racist people.
55. I hate my computer.
56. I love guys that play the guitar. (Or anything for that matter...)
57. I state the obvious.
58. I'm a happy person. *i try, though.*
59. I love to dance.
60. I love to sing.
61. I hate cleaning my room.
63. I love cute underwear.
64. I love John Mayer.
65. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
66. I want to go to Greece.
67. I don't like to study for tests.
69. I am too forgiving.
70. I have a horrible sense of direction.
71. I love high school.
72. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.
73. I'm a daddy’s girl. *was.*
74. I love kisses on the forehead.
75. I love the color pink.
76. I love to sew.
77. I have green eyes. *sometimes.*
78. I love the Olsen Twins.
79. I played soccer for 14 years.
80. I become stressed easily.
81. I hate liars.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Paul Walker is my dream guy.
84. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained. *i love anything post-rain.*
85. I love my family... sometimes
86. I hate needles.
87. I am a perfectionist when it comes to certain things.
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
89. I hate the feeling of failure.
90. I would love to have my own fashion line.
91. I can be quite selfish.
92. I still act like a little kid.
93. Above all, I despise dishonesty.
94. I love pictures.
95. I love music.
96. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.
97. I love getting stuff in the mail.
98. I have problems letting go of people.
99. I hate the feeling of being alone.
know what? tiaras and little spoons are cool.
Princess
at 4:54 PM
a star suicide: it amazes me that you're being like this. yeh, the shit gets old i'll admit. but you get pissy everytime i voice my opinion on something and you don't like it. sure, it does. it's just pathetic that you can't learn to get used to it when it's exactly what you do to everyone else, tyler. you mustn't realize it or something.
ggglittersoresss: you know, i don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
a star suicide: surprise surprise.
ggglittersoresss: all the time i get annoyed with your drama queen crap. but i don't say it to you because i'm trying to be sensitive.
ggglittersoresss: you can't admit that you're as big of a drama queen as me, so you take it out on me when you see it.
a star suicide: that's you; not me. i honestly don't care. i admit i pull the shit sometimes, but who the fuck doesn't?
ggglittersoresss: i'm sick of this.
a star suicide: then fucking go away and quit letting it go one.
ggglittersoresss: it go one?
a star suicide: on.
ggglittersoresss: fine whatever. it amazes me that you're ready to end our friendship over this, but that's cool with me. keep in mind though, things like the fact that other people have feelings. like the whole you pissy at your mom thing for telling you to be quiet when you were crying. it's not like she doesn't know what it's like. and it's the same with me. it's not like you're the only one who's affected by things.
ggglittersoresss: and over my comment, you know, a girl was talking to me about how cool it'd be for her first time giong out with me to throw up milkshakes.
a star suicide: it's not like we have much of a friendship anyways. like you said, we only talk once every blue moon so it obviously isn't much.
ggglittersoresss: which i can imagine you not handling well.
ggglittersoresss: i don't talk to anyone anymore, sorry.
ggglittersoresss: fuck i barely even talk to haylee.
a star suicide: it's not like i'm wanting to have you gone, but like you said this shit gets old and it gets old fast.
ggglittersoresss: it's been a long damn time of you flipping out over what's in my journal. and a lot of my re-explanations that they're there for the soul point of me to say stupid shit. i don't understand why you can't just accept that.
ggglittersoresss: sole.
a star suicide: i can, but it just gets old and sometimes i get compelled to comment. most of the time i do ignore it, but i've been so shitty lately i felt the need to say something.
ggglittersoresss: that's just it though. no matter how shitty i feel, i never would have the "right" to do that to you.
a star suicide: that first comment i left you wasn't even meant to be shitty at all. after i read it i realized it was a bit, but i just ignored it thinking you might see what i meant. but it was obvious you didn't and blah, blah, shit hit the fan and i was bitchy so i continued.
ggglittersoresss: the thing that really kills me about how you place all the blame on me in this situation is that... i don't have these weird drama problems with people constantly. it's only you. haylee and i have had ONE fight ever. cody and i don't have these issues. brittany and i don't. and no one else that knows me. but you do. so i mean, do you see a pattern here or what?
ggglittersoresss: and it's not that no one 'has the balls' to say anything. because you know damn well that if haylee needs to say something, she will.
ggglittersoresss: if you have a problem with me, you need to learn how to approach me civily.
a star suicide: unfortunately, yes. i know. and just whatever. it wasnt worded how i meant it. i wasn't meaning any of them. just whatever. im not into dealing with this. im reallyn ot.
a star suicide: i'll approach you however i wish. i do things in my own way. and if its a computer, so be it.
ggglittersoresss: well then you have to deal with the consequences. because when you start this "i'm right you're wrong" thing and dragging out the same old issues, it's going to keep starting shit.
a star suicide: im dealing with it arent i?
ggglittersoresss: hardly.
ggglittersoresss: and when i say civil, i mean don't fucking mock me with "miss princess." in case you didn't notice, anyway, i have pretty much cut ties with everyone who "worships me."
a star suicide: i dont see how im not but uhm okay. im done commenting on your journal as you wished. im done with this because its just not worth it. its stupid. yeh, i was in the wrong and ive admitted it. well live. life goes on. have a nice day, what have you.
a star suicide: ill do what i wish. dont tell me what to do because it doesnt phase me. you can want it all you want, but im not changing the way i act for anyone, most definitely not someone who couldnt do the same for someone if they asked.
ggglittersoresss: no, i'm asking you to not treat me like dirt.
ggglittersoresss: which, i'm pretty good at most the time.
a star suicide: ive said id try, but shit happens and everyone has their moments. you do the same to people sometimes too tyler. sure, maybe not often, but you slip. we all slip. i slip often.
ggglittersoresss: and i mean, what is this about hiding behind a long list of disorders? that's really fucked up bobbi.
a star suicide: think about it and im sure you could figure it out. you use your problems as excuses for everything and thats not bullshit.
ggglittersoresss: no, no excuses. in case you failed to read, i actually did post something that wasn't stupid in my lj. and i went through and thought about all that stuff, and how i know there's a root purpose for it. do you onnly see what you want to see or what?
ggglittersoresss: this is a problem. and i'm not "hiding it behind a disorder".
ggglittersoresss: i have a lot of things i don't talk about on those. in fact, i barely actually talk about anything that happens on those. but what's bothering me is put in there. so yeah, there's a lot about my stupid disorders. but they bother me.
a star suicide: you do. you mustnt see it. but you do. weve all seen it and we all fucking do it. its nature. use our problems as excuses to make up for mistakes and issues.
ggglittersoresss: who's we all?
a star suicide: we all is we all.
ggglittersoresss: no, i take responsibility. i have, i did, it's there, in print.
ggglittersoresss: you just keep repeating yourself.
ggglittersoresss: no matter what happens.
a star suicide: yeh but we all slip, once afuckinggain.
a star suicide: youll live
a star suicide: get over it
a star suicide: this is stupid
a star suicide: im repeating it again
a star suicide: see? i repeat it because you dont listen.
ggglittersoresss: YOU DIDN'T JUST LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID DUDE. you keep repeating yourself no matter what changes, or happens.
a star suicide: no fucking shit genius. ive said that. because you dont listen. so i repeat it. you may listen but it obviously doesnt register. i repeat it if i think it needs heard or deserves to be heard. get the fuck over it already. this is the last time im saying it. im done. this is stuipd. the end. goodbye.
ggglittersoresss: fuck you bobbi.
ggglittersoresss: some fucking friend you are.
ok so i was really tired, but my heart rate just went way up and now my head hurts.
shit.
Princess
at 1:08 AM
http://ggglittersoressspoem.blogspot.com
so i'm trying to feed all my poems into here so that they're all in one place, and then i'll separate them.
i spent hours today playing with html again.
i heart web design.
i'm tired. i missed cody today. i'm a big fat baby. olive garden has cool sugar packets. but there was a hair in my food. eating was really painful, and it hurts in my stomach and my back and stuff. what is wrong with me? stupid. why am i so stuipd? i can see cody tomorrow. he didn't call me back tonight. haylee went to eat with jonthn, which is stupid since i haven't seen her in forever and i miss her like kahrazy.
i got my car fixed, it's all awesome.
saw ella enchanted, which was cute but pailed compared to the book.
had ANOTHER incident with bobbi which involved the typical scene of her thinking i meant whatever i said in here or my lj. except that i'm ready for her to decide she isn't going to pull this shit anymore or just get the fuck out. and i mean it. i don't like people anymore. and i don't feel like dealing with added drama.
nobody starts shit with me like she does. and it's just plain annoying and unneccessary.
i stared at the ceiling a lot today.
justin asked if he could take pictures of me.
which kinda freaks me out but is also kinda flattering.
yeah.
chad i.m.ed me.
i've been having a lot of extremely angry feelings toward people that i know i can't express to them because if i did, it would be all wrong.
Princess
at 12:09 AM
ggglittersoresss: i need your input.
ggglittersoresss: what is your opinion on the fact that everyone puts me on a pedestal like i'm better than i am at first?
ggglittersoresss: sorry my question takes more thought than yours.
Greenskysfall: what?
ggglittersoresss: some people act like i'm so perfect or something. goddess-esque. what is your opinion on that?
Greenskysfall: you aren't
ggglittersoresss: that's it?
Greenskysfall: well, how complicated can it be
ggglittersoresss: for some people, very.
ggglittersoresss: do you think it puts me under any particular illusions?
Greenskysfall: everyone that I have personally seen you around thinks that for some reason you are perfect in everyway. And I am not trying to start anything, but I think i have said before that alot of your friends seem pathetically dumb to me. And no one is perfect, so simply, no.
Greenskysfall: ggglittersoresss: do you think it puts me under any particular illusions? Nope
ggglittersoresss: i agree.
ggglittersoresss: i mean, my friends are dumb.
ggglittersoresss: that would be why i currently have three.
ggglittersoresss: that i consider my friends.
Greenskysfall: My input on this is that you are what you are. And I see a dramaticall complicated girl that can never seem to get what she wants even though she is always hell bent on getting it.
ggglittersoresss: hm. sounds like me.
ggglittersoresss: thank you.
Greenskysfall: As far as people thinking that you are perfect and stuff.... I wouldn't waste my time talking to them, because they obviously need an ass kicking
ggglittersoresss: i very much so agree.
Greenskysfall: No problem Tyler.
ggglittersoresss: ...the people who think i'm perfect. do you think they make me vain?
Greenskysfall: No
ggglittersoresss: ok.
Greenskysfall: I think they make you ask to many questions.
ggglittersoresss: do you think i'm a vain person despite them?
ggglittersoresss: hahh, sorry.
ggglittersoresss: i guess you're the only person i can expect an honest, objective answser from.
Greenskysfall: Nah.. I think they you always find they wrong people to be around.
ggglittersoresss: either way. people have an extremely difficult time giving me answers that aren't influenced in some way.
ggglittersoresss: all people.
Greenskysfall: Not me
ggglittersoresss: that would be why i ask you instead of them.
Greenskysfall: Let me see if I can give a better perspective on this..it might help you understand a tiny observation I made a long time ago
Greenskysfall: You remember that Christian kid(I think that is his name)
ggglittersoresss: yeah.
Greenskysfall: Alright, well, that kid was ALL up in your ass
ggglittersoresss: sadly.
Greenskysfall: He was one messed up little shit with you. And so were and probably still are alot of people that are stuck on you like christ on a cross
ggglittersoresss: yeah.
Greenskysfall: And you mostly play it off like you enjoy all that insane attention, but I know it pisses you off and fucks you up
ggglittersoresss: well... how else is one to react?
ggglittersoresss: you know?
ggglittersoresss: but yeah, you're right.
Greenskysfall: Well, for one you are to nice to them
ggglittersoresss: it's sort of flattering, that they like me that much. it's mostly annoying, but i don't wnat to hurt their feelings.
Greenskysfall: When you are nice to these people that are up your ass, you un intentionally lead them on to think that it is ok. You need to toughen the fuck up a little and get mean. The world isn't about those fluffy things you are obsessed with. The nicer you are, the worse off you are.
ggglittersoresss: ..i just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
ggglittersoresss: unless they're hurting mine.
Greenskysfall: Why do you care so much??
ggglittersoresss: because i hate having my feeligns hurt. i can't cope with anything, never have been able to, and i don't wish the way i freak out on anyone else. though in all reality, i spose i'm the only one who can't handle it.
ggglittersoresss: i mean, these kids aren't trying to upset me or anything. they're trying to make me feel good or whatever.
Greenskysfall: You know you can handle it. You just aren't sure how to.
Greenskysfall: Can I ask you something too?
ggglittersoresss: let me rephrase it, then. i can't handle it in even a relatively normal way, and can't feel ok about it until i've destructed something.
ggglittersoresss: and yes, you can.
Greenskysfall: How many times have you freaked out on yourself and ended up crying and cutting yourself alone in your room?
Greenskysfall: Alot right?
ggglittersoresss: yeah.
Greenskysfall: And I am guessing that you wanted to call someone, or have someone with you to make you feel better right?
ggglittersoresss: yeah. but i don't. because that's sick.
Greenskysfall: Shit.. I am getting off track here. let me start over(Sorry, I worked overtime all week, I am really tired)
ggglittersoresss: ok. sorry.
Greenskysfall: Uhm. look. You know you don't people all attatched to you like they are, but they are going to stay that way until you let them know. And you can't do it in a nice way
Greenskysfall: No no, it's not your fault, it is just taking me a minute to process everything I want to say. I have gotten like..6 hours of sleep this week. Don't worry about it though
ggglittersoresss: that's just it though. i was mean to christian finally, and he got off my case, but then the part of him i liked.. the friend part... was gone.
Greenskysfall: But yeah, I know you mean well, and you really do want to be nice and good. But you have to be mean sometimes. So just do it. I KNOW that you can get a little crazy. So just do it. It won't make you any less of a person I promise.
Greenskysfall: Well you know what, if you are honest to someone, and then they don't want to talk to you anymore. Then is that person really worth talking to?
ggglittersoresss: it's not that. it's that i hurt his feelings, and he was so thoroughly upset that he couldn't and can't talk to me anymore.
ggglittersoresss: and so now i have no one to play poetry in motion with, and it's sad.
ggglittersoresss: i don't know. since i'm homeschooled and neglecting the mall, i don't have much of this problem anymroe. but other people feel the need to keep bringing it up until i feel the need to ask your input.
Greenskysfall: Well, shit happens. And with you, shit happens all the damn time. So you just need to toughen up and be completely honest with EVERYONE. Let people know ahead of time that you are not into people getting stuck up your ass.
ggglittersoresss: probably.
Greenskysfall: Most likely.
ggglittersoresss: why does everyone tell me i'm so strong all the time if this is what it boils down to?
Greenskysfall: Ehh... I think I have told you that you are strong alot huh?
ggglittersoresss: i don't know. everyone does.
ggglittersoresss: i don't feel strong though. i don't get it.
Greenskysfall: To put it best...
Greenskysfall: you are strong
Greenskysfall: but maybe there is just to much damn weight for you to lift
ggglittersoresss: hm.
Greenskysfall: To put it in an extremely easy concept...
Greenskysfall: A spider and lift ten times it's weight...but if you brick on top of it, it will be crushed.
Greenskysfall: Make sense?
ggglittersoresss: ew. spiders.
ggglittersoresss: hahha, but yes.
Greenskysfall: Haha, and you never take anything seriously. heh..
Greenskysfall: You'll alright. If you can't use my opinion to fix what is bothering you, I know you will figure it out. You always seem to do so.
ggglittersoresss: true.
Greenskysfall: Always.
ggglittersoresss: and you have seriously helped.
ggglittersoresss: so again, thanks.
Greenskysfall: It's alright. You know you can come to me with anything. Ill try to help you.
ggglittersoresss: you're the awesome.
Princess
at 11:50 PM
for some reason, the time in 8th grade, when indy was singing to me keeps sticking in my head (well, one of the times.)
fuckfuckfuck a duck
screwwww a kangaroooooo.
she's so cute.
Princess
at 11:14 PM
i want to go back to the walk home after school routine.
together, holding hands, kiss over crackling leaves.
i miss you, i miss the way you could take me for granted.
i want to go back to feeling like all the time in the world was in our world only-
like hall meetups and running in front of traffic with your direction.
i want to make out in front of busses that zoom by at your side.
or to wrestle on the grass over something- anything.
piggy back rides to the shortcut of your house, which i make you backtrack to walk me a little more.
or even attack dogs, and you losing your shoe trying to save me.
wrestling for your notebook, begging you to read to me.
disregarding everything and one around us for that kiss.
i miss you.
Princess
at 5:35 PM
Here's what to do - Imagine that your life is a film and fill in the song that suits in each category...Thats if you are bored enough of course!
opening credits: lollirot- jack off jill.
waking up scene: red carpet and rebellion- the distillers.
average day scene: bitterness barbie- the lunachicks.
best friend scene: rebel girl- bikini kill.
first date scene: i know what boys like- the waitresses.
falling in love scene: heart shaped box- nirvana (i couldn't resist)
love scene: lovesong- snake river conspiracy.
fight with friend scene: spit- kittie.
break up scene- number three from christina aguilera's "stripped"
get back together scene: i adore you- queen adreena.
life's ok scene: one girl revolution- superchic[k]
heart break scene: grubby hands- kittens for christian.
mental breakdown scene: tragedy- coal chamber.
driving scene: covet- jack off jill.
lesson learning scene: carrion-fiona apple.
deep thought scene: scrap metal- bitch and animal.
flashback scene: comforting lie- no doubt
party scene: hyperactive OR take it off- the donnas.
happy dance scene: head like a hole- nine inch nails.
regret scene: sober-tool (i actually had this the other day)
long night alone scene: pet- a perfect circle.
death scene: foolish games- jewel.
closing credits: ms. world- hole.
*
that was a really good experience.
Princess
at 12:38 AM
"god could not have chosen a better hell."
-me.
Princess
at 11:48 PM
i'm fucking sick of drama queens making everyone else's problems their own, or trying to call them that. and it's like, the more time i spend exposed to one of these types, the more i hate them. i'll admit that i'm pretty damn dramatic, and that for some weird reason i always have some big weird traumatic something going on but at least i'm not stealing other people's.
i went to cody's today. my mom called me freaking out mad at me and said she shouldn't have let me go, blahblahblah, and i lost it all over the place. only it was worse because it was like i didn't want to be there in front of him bawling my eyes out, and i didn't want him to touch me or give me sympathy hugs/kisses/whatevers. i just wanted to be alone, didn't want anyone to see me like that. i needed to hurry up and punish myself so that i could shut up my brain. but no, cody wouldn't even let me get up to go to the bathroom by myself. i guess it was right of him.. well, i know.. but i still was in one of my weird modes that just couldn't accept that. it wasn't until i was in my car, ready to leave, turning on the ignition, that i let myself cry with him. shaking like an idiot and apologizing and soaking us both. and he just smiled and wiped everything up and said "it's ok, i still love you."
it got me through the drive home.
now i'm working on haylee's book. which is going to rock her cunt off?
oh, cody's hair looks weird. it's like, orange.
i think i'm going to go steal him on friday and make him mine for two days in a row. muahhahahha. MYYYYYYNNNNEEEEE.
and byi the way, i took the interstate THERE AND HOME for the first time today. woo.
i ate a whole bunch of dinner. i feel too shitty to even think about throwing up, which makes me happy. woo.
i thought a lot about lindsayyy today. i miss her.
and haylee. i miss her. but she's closer, and i've seen her within the last year and a half.
i love this skin.
Princess
at 11:49 PM
ChaoticPoet414: this guy was like ''ima killmyself''
ChaoticPoet414: i asked him how,he said witha gun!
ggglittersoresss: lovely
ChaoticPoet414: if i were gonna kill myself,id use a knife and play doctor! lol
ggglittersoresss: HAHAH
Princess
at 12:48 AM
WOOO!
NEW TEMPLATE!
it's beautiful, and perfected, thanks to my hot dogs. <3333333 much love for him!
Princess
at 12:27 AM
sorry this template is really fucky right now, i'm workin on it.
Princess
at 11:40 PM
align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' baby jesus fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
there is actually nothing cute about this fetus.
it really kinda scares me.
but it's green, therefore proving my theory that god (in all forms) is a dinosaur.
Princess
at 2:02 PM
to begin:
01. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. "Will you stay with me?" I asked Mary Alice.
02. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first? air.
03. What is the last thing you watched on tv? blips of total recall. from what i could tell *watching it over the previously quoted book*, it was quueeeeerrrrbate.
04. Without looking, guess what time it is. 7:00
05. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 6:59, DUDE! I AM AWESOME!
06. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? tasha barking.
07. When did you last step outside? ten minutes ago.
08. Before you came to this website, what did you look at? lj.
09. What are you wearing? a blue princess shirt i made, a pair of rolled-up jeans, and my *new* glittery pink chucks the easter bunny gave meeeeee.
10. Did you dream last night? unfortunately. nightmares are the suck.
11. When did you last laugh? for real? yesterday.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in? some escher copies.
13. Seen anything weird lately? THE HI-C I DRANK TODAY WAS CLEAR.
14. What do you think of this quiz? best one for awhile.
15. What is the last film you saw? i'm not actually sure. it's been awhile. dickie roberts?
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? liposuction.
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. i hit my brother in the face today.
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? move out and live with cody.
19. Do you like to dance? mhm.
20. George Bush: YOUR MOTHER.
21a. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? annabell lee.
21b. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him? i'm really not sure. gueston. haha.
22. Would you ever consider living abroad? it's a big fat goal.
*
emo sex. oh my gawd.
Princess
at 7:12 PM
Top 10 boys' baby names in 2004:
1. Aidan/Aiden/Aden
2. Jaden/Jayden
3. Caden/Kaden
4. Ethan
5. Caleb
6. Dylan
7. Jacob
8. Jordan
9. Logan
10. Hayden
what the hell?
Princess
at 10:49 AM
oh, and 13 hour fast completed.
Princess
at 10:46 AM
i already said it in the other journal.
but i miss haylee.
badlyyy.
the boogeymen are coming.
Princess
at 10:46 AM
saw godspell at beef&boards. ate. ew.
14? hour fast. pain.
127.5 pounds. about to start my period. side cramps. more pain.
jesus spat the whole performance.
cody should be here now, with me.
NOW.
haylee should be here, too. but she can't spend the nigth ever again because i'm a horrible stupid idiot.
and i have to wait a million years until cody and i get to spend the night together. without trouble.
i hate sleeping alone.
i also hate family outings. i'm tired of bawling my eyes out in public and having panic attacks because of the way brandon treats me.
maybe i'll stay up all night so i can just sleep all over cody tomorrow and drool on his flannel jackets.
kris's first soccer game at nine int he morning.
art lesson with kim today, nothing got accomplished. i adore her though.
bad acne breakout.
sixteen months until i'm 18.
Princess
at 11:42 PM
banging my head on a brick wall.
that's how i feel i'm living my life, only on a larger scale.
why do i keep updating?
Princess
at 3:57 AM
why am i so tired?
on the phone with cody today:
"i feel like i'm going to die. only i know i'm not, so it's doubly upsetting."
because what's the use in feeling this awful if you know you aren't even going to die?
totally random.
uh. ANDRE 3000 FOR PRESIDENT, DOODS.
Princess
at 3:40 AM
weird day.
i cried a lot.
haylee could get taken away. and it would be my fault. i'm never good enough for anything, never good enough to keep people around.
i'm terrified of when cody leaves me. i keep telling myself it won't happen, but god who knows. lori thinks i like girls and such. but the truth is this:
I DON'T LIKE ANYONE BUT CODY EVER EVER EVER.
i am the loser.
haylee says she read this. which is weird, because it's such an invasion of privacy (i don't know how to make this thing personal, and because my bestest fruitball lives so far away and never hears me, i keep it open for her anyway). i mean, haylee hasn't even read this thing in forever.
and it's partly a weird experiment in dramatic exaggerations, to get things out of my system or off my chest.
but i'm not giong to stop writing or try to hide anytihng, i decided. because i'm a wretched person, and there's no hiding that no matter what.
tool's *sober* is perfect crying music.
I WILL FIND A CENTER IN YOU.
I WILL CHEW IT UP AND LEAVE.
TRUST ME.
TRUST ME.
TRUST ME.
TRUST ME.
and yeah. this whole haylee thing.
she's not allowed to talk to ashley. which is painful for haylee and i hate that, but ashley has a lot of growing up to do before she should be around volatile people anyway, i think. she's not healthy for some people, and i get that her mom wants to protect her from that.
and from me.
but i really feel like i'm such a different story. yeah. a lot of things are wrong with me. but i'm open about them because i want to be an example of what NOT to do, and i encourage people SO HARD not to do anyting stupid or make the stupid mistakes i have. i'm ok with being a horror story if it means that people won't hurt themselves.
blah.
i ate a meal. it doesn't hurt that badly. crazy.
Princess
at 8:35 PM
i miss being a self-confident, powerful, excited, ass-kicking riot grrrl.
where the fuck did that girl go?
and where is she buried, so i can go dig her up?
resssurrection.
Princess
at 2:17 PM
rice cakes: the best thing to ever happen to a hypoglycemic anorexic.
yeah, i'm in denial of my developing hypoglycemia, ha. i got soooo sick yesterday when i didn't eat lunch, it was wretched. i was about to faint. yuck.
i went to the grocery yesterday and bought my dreamy rice cakes, and a bunch of other AWESOME stuff. like carbonated water to mix with juice for when i crave soda, grapefruit and orange juice, string cheese (lowfat), dried apricots, APPLES, lowfat/lowcal frozen dinner things in vegetiarian egg roll, manicotti, french bread pizza, etc., and a wholllllle bunch of other awesome stuff that kicks some serious ass.
WOOOOOO! I CAN EAT!!!!!!
oh man. i'm so full from that rice cake. which, by the way, are 30 cals a cake. OMG!
i'm off to clean le room.
muah.
Princess
at 1:23 PM
128.5. good stuff. especially since i broke restriction and went to fazoli's last night for a PANINI.
my scalp is sunburnt and peeling. it's so fucking disgusting. it itches because it's peeling and there are these giant flakes everywhere.
i went to haylee's yesterday. good stuff. we didn't get to talk to her mom yet, but she said we could talk today. i look forward to it, as much as it stresses me out. it jsut has to be done, and the sooner the better.
drama class in three hours.
the room has to be cleaned by tomorrow. i need help. but there is no one to help me, of course. which is the suck.
i can't wait until saturday. rawrrrrrrrr.
Princess
at 12:04 PM
I AM A FAT FUCKING COW.
FUCKING, FAT.
MOO MOO.
THAT WOULD BE ME.
Princess
at 11:16 PM
well, fuck not eating. i want peanut butter and triscuits. FUCK.
oh, and i'm trying to get out of schoolwork, here. so deal with it.
x the things you've never done:
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN DRUNK
( ) I HAVE NEVER SMOKED POT
( ) I HAVE NEVER KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
( ) I HAVE NEVER KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(x) I HAVE NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO JAPAN
(x) I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN IN A TAXI
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD ANAL SEX
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN DUMPED
( ) I HAVE NEVER SHOPLIFTED
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN FIRED
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD A THREESOME
( ) I HAVE NEVER SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
( ) I HAVE NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
( ) I HAVE NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(x) I HAVE NEVER STOLEN SOMETHING FROM MY JOB *as long as candyland pieces don't count*
(x) I HAVE NEVER CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIMES SQUARE
(x) I HAVE NEVER GONE ON A BLIND DATE
( ) I HAVE NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(x) I HAVE NEVER CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE
(x) I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(x) I HAVE NEVER BEEN FISTED AND/OR HAVE NEVER FISTED ANYONE
(x) I HAVE NEVER THROWN UP IN A BAR
( ) I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH AN EX
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX WITH FOUR OR MORE PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME
(X) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX ON THE BEACH
( ) I HAVE NEVER RIDDEN IN A TRAIN
(x) I HAVE NEVER MADE OUT WITH A FAT GIRL
( ) I HAVE NEVER SKIPPED SCHOOL
( ) I HAVE NEVER CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(x) I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
( ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROPOSED TO
( ) I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED
(x) I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN DIVORCED *bobbi get a move on that will ya?*
( ) I HAVE NEVER HAD CHILDREN *gueston and a cheesestick.*
( ) I HAVE NEVER BROKEN A BONE
( ) I HAVE NEVER PURPOSELY SET A PART OF MYSELF ON FIRE
-[BASIC SHIT]-
[Name]- Princess Bettie Tyler.
[Hair color]- Brown, black, pink.
[Birthday]- September 26, 1987.
[Eye Color]- Blue.
[Siblings]- Three sisters: Katy, Lisa, Sarah. Three brothers: Brandon, Kris, Joe.
[Righty or lefty]- Right handed.
[How do you describe yourself]- NUCKING FUTS!
[What's your sign]- Libra.
[Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend]- Two in one!
[Do you have a crush]- I CRUSH ALL OF YOU! MUAHAHHAHAHAHHA CRUNCH CRUNCH!
-[WHAT COMES TO YOUR MIND WHEN YOU HEAR]-
[Money]- George Washington.
[Prostitution]- Red fingernails and ripped fishnets.
[Gum]- Fish spleen.
[Blue]- Crayons.
[Music]- Dancing.
[Frogs]- Peace.
[Santa]- FUCKER!
[Hanson]- Magen, Bobbi, and Momma.
[Duck]- Duck Goose.
[Rainbow]- Bobbi, Haylee, Heather, Judy Garland.
-[ON PREFERENCES]-
[Chocolate milk or hot chocolate]- Hot chocolate, biznatch!!!!
[McDonalds or Burger King]- Burger King fries with a meatless Big Mac.
[Sweet or bitter]- Saweet.
[Sappy/action/comedy/horror]- Horror.
[Root Beer or Dr. Pepper]- Root Beer!
[Cats or dogs]- Cats, or dogs that act like cats.
[Ocean or pool]- NEITHER.
[Cooler Ranch or Nacho Cheese]- Cooler Ranch, like woah.
[Mud or Jell-O wrestling]- MUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[With or without ice-cubes]- Without
[Milk/Dark/White chocolate]- Milk.
[Shine or rain]- Rain.
[Top or Bottom]- MMMM BOTHHHHHHHHH!
[Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring]- Summer.
[Vanilla or Chocolate]- Depends.
[Skiing or snow boarding]- I've never been snowboarding.
[Swimming naked or with suits]- NAKED.
[Cake or cookies]- I just want to have my cake and eat it, too.
[Cereal or toast]- Peanut butter toast and Lucky Charms and Cheerios and Honey Bunches of Oats.
[Rock/ska/punk/rap/r&b/alt/pop/techno/country/folk/swing]- Any but country.
[Night or day]- Night.
[Fly or breathe under water]- Breathe, it would help with the asthma?
[Bunk bed or waterbed]- Waterbed!!!
[Chewing gum or hard candy]- Gum. Less chance of binge.
[Motor boat or sailboat]- Motor boat.
[Lights on or off]- ON.
-[WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE]-
[Color]- Black & Hot pink.
[Number]- 88, 41, 2.
[Animal]- Snakes and Cats.
[Holiday]- Halloween.
[Sound]- Le Big Bird.
[Book]- Any Chuck Palahniuk book, The Bell Jar, Prozac Nation.
[Movie]- Fight Club, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Nightmare Before Xmas, Alice in Wonderland.
[TV show]- Billy and Mandy, probably.
[Radio station]- die.
[Place]- Chicago.
[Flower]- Black roses and such.
[Scent]- Cody, Lavendar, Cotton Candy, Flirty.
[Food]- I'm a fucking PIGGY.
[Car]- BATMOBILES AND TWINKIEMOBILES.
-[IN THE FUTURE]-
[What's your house gonna look like]- A van. Down by the river.
[How many kids]- NEVER! NNNNEVER!
[Names]- Annabel Lee.
[Animals]- Cats, Snakes, whatever.
[College]- Undecided.
[What are you gonna do]- Perform. Create.
[Buy any car, what would it be]- Batmobile.
[Dye your hair one color, what would it be]- Pink.
[Have a tattoo, where/what would it be]- I have so many to get. Libra sign on my hip, Broken heart on my back, Star Trail on my foot and behind my ears, Quote on my ribs...
-[WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU DO WHEN YOU]-
[Get up]- Watch Arthur or Clifford or Dragon Tales, depending on what's on the tv.
[Get in the shower]- Fuck with the curtain.
[Go to school]- Get on here instead.
[Get home from school]- I don't.
-[YEY OR NAY]-
[Female president]- Yay
[Thunderstorms]- Yay
[Mexican food]- Yay
[Bill Clinton]- Nay
[Little Kids]- YayNayYayNay.
-[HABITS]-
[Do you bite your fingernails]- Nope.
[Toenails]- FUCK NO.
[Twirl your hair]- Wretchedly.
[Impersonate]- Wretchedly.
[Pick your nose]- No.
[Eat it]- YUMYUM!
[Chew gum obnoxiously]- Nope.
[Cheat on tests/homework]- Wretchedly.
-[HOW OFTEN DO YOU]-
[Make your bed]- I don't really have one.
[Clean your room]- NEVER.
[Shave]- Legs once every few months. Cunt once a week. Arms every once in awhile. Armpits every time I shower.
[Talk/walk in your sleep]- Constantly.
[Give hugs]- Constantly.
[Tell people you love them]- Whenever it comes to mind.
Princess
at 12:50 PM
the four stages of life:
birth
growth
maturation
decline.
and i'm thinking- why is my decline out of order?
no food since the plane, which was around eight.
so that is... sixteen hours.
i can make twenty easy, right?
hope, hope, hope.
any food that goes in is coming out for the next week.
Princess
at 12:02 PM
ok.
fst when i get home.
i'm so fat now.
hospitals are worth it. SO worth it.
Princess
at 11:41 PM
lick the sucker, paint by numbers
i could kiss the wounds on you from my leave.
(but i can't.)
natural gas or natural disasters
are never natural when they're produced by our actions..
so maybe leaving isn't the best idea from now on.
burn sore death mute beg.
always the same cycle from the separation.
home isn't a place.
home is when we're together.
there's no place like you.
Princess
at 5:50 PM