oh yeah,
and i went to the Y for an hour and a half.
500 calories on the eliptical machine
(the goal was 600, but some horrible-smelling man
got on the machine next to me and i couldn't take it)
and the usual weight-guys.
woo.
Princess at 10:26 AM
cody went to kentucky until thursday.
i broke a 40 hour fast on two biscuits and almost two cheesesticks.
the plateau is over, and a bad day is 123 pounds.
but i still feel horribly fat.
zach hits on me.
haylee came with me to brandon's graduation.
kris was horrible.
brandon's singing was actually impressive, the first time ever i've enjoyed listening to him sing.
but then he treated me like dirt when we went out to eat.
i invoked a fight by saying
"six year olds don't know what salad is."
and then everyone spent the evening complaining about how horrible it is to have to associate with me.
i can't blame them.
i have just not been holding back with the cutting.
at all.
moron.
i just want to feel better, is that so much to ask?
driving=therapeutic.
there's been a lot of crying going down on my part.
cody's the only one who sees it, but i'm glad i'm not alone.
i bend over and take it for everyone.
almost everyone.
he's not here and i need him more than anything.
ANYTHING.
NOW.
more than any other time.
it's going to rain tomorrow,
does that mean THREE DAYS with my dad?
joy.
twenty more pounds.
and life will be mine.
ps my friends are starting to hate my family,
and i'm tired of defending them.
Princess
at 10:10 AM
panic.
i can't breathe.
it's too hot.
where is my beloved boyfriend?
i need him NOW NOW NOW.
MINE.
i don't even know what they have planned for today,
but honestly it'll probably just end up being the four of us
here.
panniicc.
paaannnnniiiiiccc.
breathe tyler breathe.
Princess
at 7:27 AM
haylee called me irresistible.
which caught me by surprise.
you totally know it, don't lie,
she said.
no, i know that i'm good at seducing.
getting what i want.
not being irresistible.
i'm a dork.
finished lullaby by chuck palahniuk.
it was one hell of a book.
i fucking love this man.
my only aspirations in life are to be
half as good as him as a writer by the time i die.
i have all these emails, old ones, from bobbi
in my inbox
that i can't bring myself to delete.
and i just keep thinking,
she would if she were me.
why isn't she?
i picked up zach and haylee yesterday
in the rain
with my windowns down
bawling my eyes out.
the three of us had fun doing nothing, though.
he's a doll.
and when we got home,
i said something about that i totally felt like he was hitting on me.
and haylee looks at me like i'm an idiot
and says
that's because he was.
you're irresistible.
which makes no sense to me.
i have so much creative energy,
why am i wasting it on things like this?
i need to go write half-awake poems
hidden in places like unused sketchbooks
for me to find another time and place and
work to decode.
like the one i found yesterday,
which i finally realized was about being fat.
except who is emily?
whatever.
haylee stayed over and is sleeping downstairs.
she's so beautiful.
her dad wanted her home at noon today.
she doesn't want to go, though.
i saw chad last night,
since that was where i dropped zach off at.
he's so precious.
no, really.
i miss him.
cody is supposed (spossed, thank you)
to come to the southside today.
though the original plan was last night.
i miss being kissed.
oh oh oh. i shaved my legs last night,
i think everyone will be pleased to know.
my dad came into town last night,
or was going to,
and i'm meeting him this morning after he calls.
to get gas.
and gas exclusively.
thank you.
Princess
at 6:48 AM
i should...
*learn to fast.
*try new diets.
*be vegan.
*exercise for an hour a day.
*get a job.
*spend more time watching tcm and amc.
*clean my rooms and keep my dogs there more often.
*scrub the bloodstains out of my pillows, and off my cabinet, and off my walls, and out of my clothes.
*lose twenty pounds.
*be going to college.
*be auditioning for all the drama groups suzi talked to me about.
*put my tongue ring back in.
*get rid of half my clothing.
*probably get rid of half my razors.
*get lots of coke.
*drink more water.
*care.
Princess
at 2:34 PM
ggglittersoresss: a can of dustoff costs six dollars and ninety eight cents.
ggglittersoresss: poly-cotton fabric is on sale at wal*mart for a dollar, in all the wrong shades of navy blue for her.
ggglittersoresss: once, just once, i'd like to rent out one of those old-people-mobiles and joy ride around the store with a train of carts filled with my best friends, and not past friends i always seem to meet while i'm there.
ggglittersoresss: i try on shoe after shoe,
ggglittersoresss: and even if it fits, it's always the wrong square or color.
ggglittersoresss: they might as well be selling us cans of dust. i'd buy.
Princess
at 2:34 PM
anorexics are fucking disgusting.
they grow excess hair,
and they can't rehydrate properly
so, at any given time,
have two pounds of dead skin just hanging out on their body.
icky.
Princess
at 2:02 PM
new poem.
i kind of like it.
i had weird, panic-laden dreams about my dad
and that he was trying to drown me
in an oversized bathtub.
with bubbles.
my head has a funny way of playing out the events
he swore to instigate.
i should really paint my toenails.
i don't have the most beautiful feet,
i decided.
yesterday i shaved my cunt for no one.
there's a weird sense of pride in that,
even if it was a botched and rather quickly-done job.
it's something you can't help but like.
i took out my tampon last night and didn't feel like
putting a new one in.
which means i'm going to bleed all over everything.
but i don't even care.
cody laughed as i did it.
there are so many chigger bites on my leg.
i was wondering why i am feeling such a constant need
to update this.
maybe because things are finally happening,
but i think it's really because
i can't find solace in paper anymore
since it doesn't have an aliceinwonderland
background.
*giggle*.
and comfort is something i need more than anything right now.
cody's last day=today.
kris's last day=today.
brandon's last day=tomorrow.
my last day should be=now.
i am thoroughly unentertained by
flying objects,
or winged insects.
Princess
at 4:51 AM
the word of the day is
FORGET.
she forgot i had my program today,
even though we made plans the day before yesterday,
and even yesterday morning,
for my mom to pick her up and such
so that she could come.
because i needed her.
but she was at her sister's,
without a number for me to call,
and forgot about me.
another she forgot that i said 5 and NOT 5.30.
after my reminder call,
she called my cell
in the middle of practice, bawling,
that she was stuck on the interstate and wasn't going to make it on time.
my eyes burn in such a way that
were i not dehydrated,
i'd be crying.
brandon comes in and treats me like dirt,
same as this morning,
for no reason.
and i can't breathe.
my anxiety is at an all time high.
so high that i can't go to pizza king with my little brother,
or go get gas,
or go get my fitlinxxx program fixed at the Y so i can count my calories
(which is the only thing that matters to me),
or go see my mom in the ER,
or anything.
oh, i squeezed out a tear.
Princess
at 7:17 PM
went to wal*mart this morning with mom.
bought shorts *gasp*, tube socks, and some
normal-girl shirts. ooh.
oh, and frozen strawberries and gum.
read tabloids about who's got an eating disorder.
they miswrote that mary kate is 94 pounds, when in fact, she is 84.
of COURSE i know this.
did you know paula abdul is bulimic?
the news turnout over my dad:
saturday when i'm supposed to be with him,
they're REALLY conning me into a family party.
but guess who has horrible social anxiety
and had multiple panic attacks bra shopping in wal*mart today
because she felt so inadequate and fat for having the wrong size boobs.
(36D= too small on my boobs and too big on my ribs. i refuse to be a 34DD.)
so now i'm caught in a horrible delimma.
i cannot, simply cannot,
go to a crowded bowling alley graduation party.
especially not when the crowd is strictly douglass,
and will be scrutinizing my every miniscule detail
down to my weight, my hairclips, the amount of mascara i'm wearing,
what i eat, the way i'll probably stare at the floor, etc.
they will rip me to bits
and i don't feel like having a giganticly huge stupid trauma right now.
but.
i want desperately to see katy
and support lisa, minor as it may be.
desperately.
it hurts like hell
that katy and i have been void from eachothers lives for the past two and a half years.
lisa too, but especially katy.
and maybe going won't be THAT bad
as long as she'll be there with me.
how unlikely.
seeing as how every other time i've gone to a similar function as of late,
family or no,
i spend the entire time bingeing and purging and crying in the bathroom by myself,
lighting myself on fire...
i'm pretty sure that's how it'll be saturday,
only worse because if i'm there it means i won't be with cody
and will not have had an apt cody fix
to calm the nerves.
great.
i think i'll go for a walk outside now,
the summer sun's calling my name.
you hear me now?
Princess
at 1:29 PM
breakfast:
ten calories worth of vegetarian vegetable boullion cube in hot water plus crackers
(generic soup).
purged.
and a diet root beer.
i'm so mad at myself.
Princess
at 8:34 AM
the fast was going great,
and then RIGHT at 24.5 hours,
i fucked up.
80 cals worth of low-cal popcorn
at 1:00.
Princess
at 5:27 AM
I WEIGH 119 POUNDS.
Princess
at 5:44 PM
as far as the superiority complex goes,
let's add insensitivity to the list.
forget all the promises i've made you,
and all the plans we had,
because i can't waste my summer on that.
let's give you an extra year to drive
and cry
and be alone.
because i can't waste my summer on something
so petty and silly as you.
great, great.
and i laid around for awhile,
walked out with some more additions to the cover pile.
i have another long essay developing
that isn't getting published because my side of the
screen doesn't work.
but it explains away all 160 (180 now?) of these ugly and annoying little scratches.
that's all i can view myself and my emotions as anymore.
ugh-ly and annoying.
excuse me, self,
but i am much too busy busying myself with sleep or
staring to be bothered with your
"emotions" or
"problems" or
"cutting."
quit being fat.
you know, he called me fat.
guess who's never going to forget it.
much like stupid,
only it's a reaction that's going to explode over time
instead of instantaneously.
i'm ohsoexcited.
after i hit 100, maybe it'll finally blow.
because that is going to happen by the end of summer.
dammit.
i'm convinced.
i really hate not being able to use my denial.
Princess
at 5:13 PM
yesterday's library finds:
*a book about murderous women
*lullaby- chuck palahniuk
*wacky chicks- a homosexual man
*i shot andy warhol- starring lily tomlin as valerie solanas
*a cd for haylee, i think it was dave matthews, haha.
the movie was perfect.
valerie was truly an amazing woman.
i love scum.
*giggle*.
we had lunch at pizza king and took pictures, too.
unfortunately, my computer hates me right now
and deleted them
while i was loading them onto webshots.
sorrrrrrrrrrrrrry.
i ate food TWICE yesterday.
eep.
and only talked to cody once.
i feel some serious strong urgency to talk to him
for some strange reason.
something must be about to happen.
fucking sixth senses, ha.
i think i'm having him meet..
my dad's family.
this weekend.
scary.
Princess
at 11:09 AM
typing without fingernails is much easier.
just finished watching a beautiful ginger rogers movie
on tcm.
"sunny side of life", the segment was called.
missed the title of the movie.
i love old movies.
the way they're not always obligated to
tie off all the loose ends,
or to make a big deal out of the drama.
for the most part, they're the
kind of people who just deal with things and move on.
all of them, though, are admirable.
ginger, deemed ellie may in the picture,
almost commits suicide but is saved
when her new acquaintance (turning husband, though they've just met the day before)
kisses her.
and no one speaks of it again.
it's just another event, and no one says another word about it
until near the end of the film.
the drunk father shoots the mother, too,
and the mood is completely void
of today's silly heart-wrench music
and an "i'm so crushed i don't know what to do" sort of scene.
everybody just picks up and carries on.
i caught an old war picture on tcm
staying over at haylee's on thursday
early in the morning, at around 5, maybe.
there was this gorgeous young blonde frenchman
serving first for hitler, then for the u.s.,
who didn't wear a shirt under his uniform.
and a classic pair
of men serving together (for the u.s.):
a soon-to-be promoted all-american kind of man
protecting a rough but skinny new yorker outcast.
the affair, which lasted for hours,
was perfectly charming.
often i believe that i was
born in the completely wrong time.
that there is no place for me here in
the ruins left over from what was going to be the future,
and that i belong in some time past.
there's no more of my life left here.
something always jumps in my chest
for turner classic movies,
or a station where you don't pump your own gas,
or a drive-in movie.
i want an a-line dress
in gingham print with some smart black pumps
and vinegar hair.
to live in that sort of low-drama environment
where no one is going to throw a fit that i maybe cut myself sometimes
or hit the bottle on a weekend,
or get married at sixteen.
i would have been happy to be one of those
gum-chewing, smart-talking waitresses
in a ruffle-trimmed aprons.
but my prime has long since past
and abandoned me here
in this dawson's creek/dr. phil world.
somebody please get me the fuck out of here.
Princess
at 10:51 AM
last night,
we washed all the blankets
so we could lay them down to make
a big comfy pile of bedding
on the floor in the backroom
to sleep together.
we watched dickie roberts
and young frankenstein,
both of which were very worth our time.
she doesn't like gene wilder.
but now has a crush on david spade.
*giggle*.
and i ate.
two pieces of toast,
two cookies,
five handfuls of fatfree pretzels,
three curly fries (estimate to how much was left after purge)
and two poptarts.
skipped youth to go to the dollar fifty movies.
snuck into dawn of the dead.
i jumped and giggled and mostly just laughed
at how cheesy it was.
we held hands and sipped coke and
made the people around us so annoyed
that they had to move.
i got really dressed up and pretty,
with lots of eyeliner and red lip gloss
and sparkly pumps,
just to sit in the dark and feel gorgeous.
we drove around to a lot of places
before finding an open place to eat
that wasn't steak n shake.
arby's, mm.
we stopped by the steak n shake to see
momma, though.
she's so pretty.
even if brief.
hi there, face here.
haylee just got out of the shower.
i washed most of my tshirts last night.
and all but one blanket.
i'm still on my period.
Princess
at 2:51 PM
brittany:
can you hold me while we smoke and giggle?
can you love me in too much eyeliner?
let's leave or start a fairytale,
love or dance in the rain.
get swept up in a whirlwind created from spinning in little girl circles.
not once upon a time, she says.
once upon a now.
butterfly kisses on nowaday wings
can we fly away from our here-selves forever, please?
Princess
at 2:48 PM
so just kidding,
glittersores
was already taken.
so it's two g's, two s's.
but if you didn't already know that, you wouldn't be here,
now would you?
no.
right.
well.
to remember:
FORTY FIVE HOURS ACCOMPLISHED!
WOOOOOOOOOO!
(and still running at a total of 47.5 if you count the purge as none.)
yayuh.
Princess
at 11:58 PM
well just kidding, i'm not in the shower yet.
but i thought i'd talk to myself about food.
just finished a five calorie glass of crystal lite,
and i'm considering eating some yogurt and cheese or crackers.
is this a good idea, self?
*thinks*.
probably not.
but i'm not going to HATE you if you eat it.
well, ok then.
i'll just take a shower and shut up.
hopefully.
ok then.
wooo.
Princess
at 4:58 AM
this is a warning
to anyone who reads this.
temporarily,
i will be changing the address of this blog to
glittersores.blogspot.com
in the next 24 hours.
if i change it to something else for some reason without warning,
you know where to reach me.
<3.
Princess
at 4:26 AM
CRAZY DAY.
fell asleep off and on around six, and got up for awhile at nine.
and
STARTED MY STUPID PERIOD.
guess who was angry at the
prime timing?
yeah.
so, since i was in HORRIBLE pain,
i took a bunch of naproxen,
cried a little,
and went to my own bed
with apc on repeat.
i think it drove haylee nuts.
she said it was enjoyable the first
fifteen times.
haha.
thennnnnnnn
i called cody at 1.15 to see if he'd left yet,
and he had.
(he called me at eleven something to tell me
his dad said it'd be "soon",
but we all knew that meant "three.")
and so,
at 2.58,
he called to say he was coming THEN.
very soon after, he showed up
to kiss me out of bed.
and rub my tummy.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
the three of us played stupid for awhile
and left to go to haylee's
so she could shower at HER house
at 4.30 maybe.
and ended up trying dustoff.
OMG.
i was sooooooooooo messed up forever.
and had some weird depressive episode.
but later, becky showed up with
a pack of cigarettes for haylee.
i was lured onto the deck with the three of them,
which resulted in hay and cody telling becky about the dustoff.
and becky going and bringing it out.
which led to all three of us getting so trashed that
we were drooling,
and becky passed out,
and so did i, and then i stopped breathing and threw up horribly,
and we were all not hearing or seeing right
and laughing and wow just wow.
whew.
thennnnn we picked up zach
and went to taco bell.
what a fun drive.
jamming out to queerness on the radio and such.
after we got back here,
we mostly just goofed off listening to
apc and the darkness and the devotchkas and the donnas and bikini kill and xrayspexxx
(ha, random things on my livewire)
and laying around on my bed,
examining the
HIDDEN TREASURES
in my terrible dirty room.
i was so proud when we first walked in
and zach said..
"this is the messiest room i've ever seen."
because it's totally in a cleaner state right now.
for some reason,
i'm covered in cuts and bruises from
today.
COVERED.
i mean huge, blue, terrible bruises
and about 30 cuts.
but i don't remember a whole lot,
so i have noo idea.
oh well.
haylee went to bed downstairs
a little after 12.30,
soooooo cody and i were alooooone.
and yeah.
more mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmms.
i had to take him home at 2,
so less time alone than usual
(a LOT),
but that's ok.
it was time EXTREMELY well-spent.
and he's got bloodstained clothing articles.
which makes me laugh.
*giggle*.
proudest ness of the day:
NO CALORIES OR FOOD.
WHATSOEVER.
i guess after all that pizza last night
(which, let me make a note to myself
to remember that those were not regular pizza but
burnt frozen pizza, so not NEARLY as many cals)
it was a lot easier to not eat.
cody and haylee both tried to make me,
but i was strong.
SO proud.
seeing zach was really good.
he's a doll.
and being with cody is effing amazing.
no, really.
GOOD FREAKING STUFF.
i doubt things between so often (insecurity),
mainly because it's so easy with him so far away.
but when we're alone,
and close (if we're being CLOSE or watching tommy boy or sleeping or rearranging my room),
there is not a doubt in my mind.
so in love,
and not going anywhere.
well,
i desperately need to shower
all the terrible smoke
and icky blood
off of myself,
and post a warning that i'm changing the address.
so.
love.
Princess
at 4:02 AM
more of the
FUCKING FUCK.
haylee and i just finished watching thirteen.
fucking fuck of a movie.
stupid.
and it just set off all these weird memories
that were fucking stupid.
i'm glad she was an even bigger moron than me.
haha.
but NO she wasn't bigger
she was fucking skinny
and I HATE HER.
hwo bout i use fuck
in every paragraph in this entry?
sounds fucking good.
moron.
FIRST CLASS.
on the moore, not the ball.
and now I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY,
THAT MOVIE MADE ME ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY.
and i want DRUGS.
hahahahahahhahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
SO FUCKING FUNNY.
i ate six pieces of pizza.
and didn't even throw up a whole piece.
STUPID.
this is me sneering at the screen.
WHEN IS CODY GETTING HERE ALREADY?
I WANT TO YELL AT HIM UNTIL I FEEL BETTER
AND WE CAN LAUGH AT HOW I'M NUTS.
AND THEN
FUCK FUCKL FU K FUCK.
excuse me, you've got a little stupid.
on your face.
Princess
at 2:00 AM
so it's my turn to be
the horrible lying one who doesn't call.
hahah.
it's ok, he gets home in fifteen minutes.
and i shall stop sucking.
(at life? no.)
i have this terrible, terrible
allergy thing going on right now.
gee, maybe it's from the cigarettes
and the oprah.
and maybe i don't care.
because IIII am having haylee stay over this whole week,
instead of going to virigina with her parents.
i am seriously so surprised that
her mom is letting her stay over with me at all,
let alone a week.
but i am SO GLAD.
we can totally do all the queer
seven year old slumber party things
we love to do.
LIKE ORDER PIZZA AT MIDNIIITEEE!!!
OMG!
and guess who's coming with haylee.
OPRAH.
she's an inside dog, too,
so she has to stay in my room exclusively the whole time
because my mom cleaned all the carpets for
brandon's graduation party.
ugh.
i am going to make myself so sick.
haha.
all of this means i have to
*GASP*
clean.
my.
room.
oh dear ness.
i'll make cody help me tomorrow.
because things need to be rearranged and such.
and i'm a little girl who can't do it herself.
speaking of little girl,
i need to be littler.
WHY AM I STUCK IN THE HIGH 20'S?
HAVE I NOT BEEN DIETING AND WORKING OUT AND EVERYTHING ELSE RIGHT?
raghalicbwiisojs;oizdjd.
*tears something up*.
just take me down another ten pounds,
and i'll shut up for awhile.
Princess
at 3:47 PM
fucking FUCK.
this morning she told me it's my fault because i won't accept god.
so for a half hour i sat and screamed that if god cared,
if god existed,
if god ever loved me,
he would have fucking killed me before i got this way.
it as a bad, bad fight.
a violent one.
it hadn't been that bad since seventh grade,
when i moved out.
i have not been so close to just fucking
doing something severe
in a long, long time.
but fucking screaming at me she made me swear i wouldn't do it,
because she knew i was going to.
so i just ended up screaming and ripping my hair out and beating myself
instead.
bruises and huge bumps on my head are inconspicuous,
right?
i'm out of my motherfucking mind.
eventually i went into that totally dead state of mind
where i don't move or think or see anymore.
i don't know if i beat myself into it
or not.
seriously.
i hate myself.
i almost broke a mirror.
i couldn't stand how fucking ugly and fat i was.
am.
ugh.
that would have been a relapse.
maybe it was.
Princess
at 3:35 PM
i would just like to reiterate the fact that
I AM A FUCKING FIRST CLASS MORON.
(haylee should enjoy that).
and also that my house smells like saltines.
leaving cody's,
he was trying to forcefeed me a chocolate milkshake
(i want to say, that bastard, but it was because he loves me and he just has to be so fucking cute all the damn time, raaaaagh).
(yeah, tell me it's not cute- he finally decided the only way to get any of it into me was to taste like it and kiss me so i had to taste it. at least he was satisfied, right?)
well. he gives me the almost-empty cup,
as i'm backing out,
with this mopey look and says to please take it
because that's the only way he can pretend i ate it.
so, because i'm a total sucker,
i drink the entire thing before i'm even out of his neighborhood.
ten minutes later, i was totally purging on the highway.
smart decision?
no.
it was a total accident, though.
i was almost proud of myself for drinking it.
sigh.
and so i came home to a house that
was filled with the scent of broccoli cheddar soup
that my mom made with cream of CELERY just for me.
once again,
SUCKER,
i had a cup and a half pack of saltines.
with root beer.
and promptly purged it all as soon as i was alone.
(involuntarily, you could say.)
i'm glad she didn't catch me.
cody and his face were
the beautiful.
are.
the whole time was
constant giggling,
something i've desperately needed but had none of
(a rareity for me, as everyone knows of me and the giggling).
and the kisses.
i needed those.
i have to say that it was the most thoroughly satisfying experience
i've had in QUITE some time.
especially the fact that i
was totally confident in spending an evening with him
sexuality-free.
(this, as we all know, is also a rareity for me.)
i mean, as free as
not even really makingggg out.
satisfied that it was, well,
as satisfying as sex.
ooooooooooooh.
we
(us and his little brother)
went to the grocery to buy food coloring
and gas.
i like being the smart one who can find the food color
before the kid who works at the store.
YOUR face is the one WITH THE SHELL ON IT.
my acne is horrible after
this whole me being a stressed out lunatic
thing.
rawr.
class all the way out in fucking
fuck
was today.
(i guess i mean yesterday.)
next week=presentation.
does that mean school is out for me?
it better.
OH and class being in fucking
fuck
and the fact that it POURED POURERS out
meant that it took me an hour to drive to cody's.
which would have been much worse
had haylee not called me and chatted about
HOW MUCH WE SUCK AT AND HATE LIFE
while laughing.
she's so the awesome.
i'm picking her up today,
since it's her last day of school.
"i was thinking that since it's your last day
we should like, do something festive,
even though we hate people and going out..
so we could like, sit around and eat a lot."
hahaha.
i'm having a fat week.
THE PUDGE.
the Y opens in twenty nine minutes.
GUESS WHO WILL BE THERE.
i didn't even go last night, when i wanted to.
so will i go twice today?
maybe we can talk haylee's mom into letting her spend the night with me,
since SCHOOL IS OVER AND SHE'S UNGROUNDED!!!!!
i seriously hope that she doesn't actually think
anything could EVER happen between haylee and i.
that's such a weird thought.
OH.
i went to my psych.
did i say anything productive?
did i get anything accomplished?
did i tell the truth about how i am?
NO.
so what happened?
my mom pranced in ten minutes into the appointment,
and they chatted about things that
completely don't matter/pertain to me
or that i've already got covered, thanks.
I AM SO SICK OF TALKING
ABOUT MY SELF-MUTILATION.
honestly.
care about something else.
i KNOW why i do it
and i KNOW why i can't stop
and i KNOW what's wrong with me
and TALKING about it gets me nowhere but annoyed with everyone's face.
i had to talk extensively, too
about why i am refusing to take paxil anymore.
of course, since i was so frustrated
and barely spoke,
everytime i made an effort to do so
i just ended up blurting out some angry weirdness.
ugh.
i'm so GLAD
that there is a fucking
PLETHORA OF ANTIDEPRESSANTS JUST BECKONING FOR ME TO TRY THEM.
BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, RIGHT?
i swear.
let's talk zoloft, wellbutrin, triazidone.
is that how you spell it?
because it's what i'm trying next.
i don't care WHAT the psychaitrist i'm going to go to says
(if i ever even get there),
i'm making him give it to me
for the sleep effects.
OR ELSE.
and i blurted out something about how i can't wait
until i'm 18
because then i can actually be put on some medicine
that will help me.
of course, everyone wants to delve deeper into that
but i am not exactly comfortable talking
about it in front of my mom.
because i don't freaking care if i have to get addicted
to my xanaxlithiumsleepingpillswhatever,
i'm going to feel better
AND THAT IS THAT.
AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME.
but she cares.
paxil and its stupid face.
that is stupid.
it's SO stupid, it doesn't even have a face.
because that's how stupid its face would be,
had it a face.
i talked to a random member of the
indyhardcore board today
who messaged me this morning.
yesterday morning, whatever.
he asked about what my day consists of
and all i had to reply was that
"i think about being productive a lot,
while doing the exact opposite.
like thinking about working out
while laying down, eating goldfish.
or thinking about cleaning my room
while laying down, eating goldfish, and spilling them on the floor.
or thinking about getting gas
while wasting it."
it's so true.
that's ok,
sixteen pounds from now,
i will not be a failure at life.
and three unperiods from now.
because that's all i care about anymore.
and face's face.
at cody's today,
he kissed my legs all over the stupidity of my ness.
and my tummy.
it was soooooo good.
how do kisses relieve the burn?
i don't know.
but his sure do work.
speaking of which.
it's not worth speaking of,
because it's so little and stupid.
and it is NOT A RELAPSE, either.
NOT.
when i have a relapse, i will feel it.
it will hurt.
why you don't know the man?
he kidnapped shamu and
PUT HER IN A CHLORINE TANK.
like your chlorine face.
god why am i so worthless?
hahaha.
i'll quit my rambling now
until i think of something else
vital to go in here.
AND SHE'S OFF!
Princess
at 5:16 AM
so jackoffjill released a new cd that i was completely oblivious to.
unfortunately for me,
they're only selling it in the uk.
and of course,
it's a collection from 92-96,
with all my fucking favorite songs on it.
all of the really fucking hard to find ness.
shoot me in the face.
Princess
at 5:15 AM
burning shins.
WOO.
i look scary. she was right.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
FAT.
binge all day long.
foodfoodfoodfood.
that's ok, the diet says it's ok to binge once a week.
YAY FOR MODIFIED STUPIDFACED DIETS.
tomorrow i'll just eat nothing.
ugh.
one for every pound.
SO CLICHE, CHECK ME OUT.
i wonder how many hairs i have.
tomorrow:
no food.
baggy clothes.
appointment at 1. with mom. (fuck).
class at 3.30. memorized scripts. (fuck).
cody's at however long it takes to drive from 21st and fucking franklin to danville. (fuck).
diet root beer.
i should work out before i go.
and then take a shower.
sounds like a PLAN.
no seriously.
i should take up smoking.
haha.
haylee and i melted crayons today.
and colored her dog oprah pink.
lori called oprah a bastard.
great stuff.
oh yeah, and we studied for finals (tomorrow?).
she's up right now studying i bet.
suck.
i wish i only had two days of school left.
or something to look forward to.
Princess
at 1:40 AM
just FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
I LOVE IT WHEN HE CALLS HER INSTEAD OF CARING ABOUT ME.
OR WHEN SHE WON'T FUCKING GET OFF MY BACK.
I SAID I'M FUCKING FINE DAMMIT.
you look sick.
you're acting weird.
FUCK FUCK FUCK YOUR FUCKING STUPID FACE
BECAUSE I HATE YOU
AND EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD
FUCK
YOU
DAMMIT.
I'M A FUCKING MORON.
LOSER.
FUCK ME.
ALL I WANT IS TO TEAR MYSELF IN LITTLE PIECES.
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME FEEL ALL THE TIME?
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
QUIT CARING ABOUT ME, MAKE IT STOP.
AND I LOVE THAT HE'S GOT ALL THE THINGS IN TEH WORLD TO SAY TO HER
AND I GET A FUCKING DRAMATIC SIGH.
CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER
YOU EMO BITCH.
I SUCK.
GET OVER IT.
AND I JUST WISH I COULD BE THIS RAGEFUL MORE OFTEN
WITHTOU THE LETHARGY
SO I COULD BEAT THINGS WITH BASEBALL BATS
OR RIP ALL THE SKIN OFF MY LIMBS
AND IT COULD BE OVER.
BUT I'M JUST SO LUCKY.
EYEBALLS ARE LIKE EGGS, DAMMIT.
I WIN.
Princess
at 11:49 PM
she's got everything i need.
some pills in a little cup.
Princess
at 8:59 PM
all i can think about is that
i truly WANT to die.
lovely.
i am beyond ready for this to be over.
i'm going to lose him.
and i'm losing myself.
it must be so hard to reconnect with me.
what an obvious but hidden culprit.
maybe it screams to everyone else.
disconnected.
secluded.
i hate everyone/thing.
but sleep.
that's enough.
Princess
at 5:34 PM
well. JUST KIDDING about the calorie count,
because i reviewed my diet and realized that
i was totally allowed to have 400 cals today.
SO.
revised cal count:
3 pieces of toast= 180 calories.
2 tbsp country crock= 100 calories.
1 graham cracker= 60 calories.
8 reduced fat pringles= 70 calories.
revised total: 410.
oops. i went a little over, but oh well.
i mis-mathed myself.
one of the pieces of toast was like, half the size it was spossed to be,
and i measure my tablespoons sparingly,
and the pringles totally had big chunks missing,
so i'm sure that knocks off 10 calories.
plus i worked my motherfucking ass off today.
go me.
Princess
at 1:04 AM
DIET ROOT BEER!
HOW I LOVE THEE!
two diet barq's root beers= 0 calories.
one piece of toast= 60 calories.
half a tablespoon of country crock= 50 calories.
one graham cracker= 60 calories.
yumyumyum.
actually, i should check up on the country crock. i think it's 50 cals. per tablespoon, and i forgot to divide.
so if that's the truth, then i totally have more calories to spend!
like, fifty more!
owwwwwwwww-owwwwwwwwwww!
Princess
at 11:34 PM
stress.
i wish cody could call me back.
i put the boys to bed and got dressed, set cory up on the good computer so that he can work on his last high school assignment, and am now waiting for my parents to quit fighting so i can go to the grocery with my mom and buy zero calorie diet soda.
so. while i wait. let me offer you a conversation with
(rather, an expansion of my thoughts pinned unfortunately to)
monica.
sillypicklegirl: maybe we should have a wonderfulk conversation
sillypicklegirl: about something immportant
sillypicklegirl: and ill pritn screen and put it on a tshirt
sillypicklegirl: as a message kinda deal
sillypicklegirl: liek a lessson
ggglittersoresss: hah, the only important thing going through my mind right now is that marriages never last, and love is not meant to be forever, apparently.
sillypicklegirl: what wah
sillypicklegirl: tare u and cody done?
ggglittersoresss: no.
ggglittersoresss: my mom's marriage is falling apart again, and cody told me tonight that he's tired of worrying about me all the time (which is only a precursor to completely wearing him out, thus the end of our relationship).
ggglittersoresss: and of course, this throws me into review of the only other serious relationship in my immediate view: my dad's marriage. which is a hilarity all in itself, since my dad admitted to me that he doesn't love his wife (she's a controlling, abusive, psychotic bitch), but that living with her in the first place was a ploy to get me there and that marrying her was a career move.
ggglittersoresss: so i delve deeper into any relationships i can think of. and come to my mother's parents.
ggglittersoresss: after many, many years of wedlock (they married at 17 and 18 after my grandmother got pregnant), my grandmother finally submitted to a despondent depression and gave her husband the business. ms. martha stewart herself finally fell through and admitted to us that she was beyond unhappy, and felt downtrodden and degraded.
ggglittersoresss: it was the most vulnerable display of emotion i'm sure she's ever conveyed.
ggglittersoresss: so frantically i think, is there anyone else in my life who's remained married?
ggglittersoresss: my dad's parents. but that's not saying much. they're obsessed with show, hate eachother, and my grandmother is a lunatic.
ggglittersoresss: every emo love cliche about heartbreak, and how nothing is ever going to last and there is no white knight that's going to treat you well... it's all true.
ggglittersoresss: sure, you can trust a single person with your sanity and stability for a few years, maybe even decades. but that still doesn't equate into forever.
ggglittersoresss: and the worst truth to find in all of this marriage and stability business is that the majority of us, me included and probably worst affected, can't find any stability in ourselves.
ggglittersoresss: that is to say, we don't know ourselves (because we don't have selves), and if there was a double of each of us, we could never love the other. or, to take it further into a new-age and more imaginative metaphor, we can't even marry into our own hearts for we are filled with nothing but divorce.
ggglittersoresss: and those are my important thoughts of today.
(i suck.)
Princess
at 9:34 PM
i'm already wearing on him.
please, please kill me before i hit bottom again.
Princess
at 8:29 PM
brandon keeps coming in to talk to me.
but all i can think about when i look at him is
that he is the same age (well, a little older)
that cody was when i met him.
and i search his face for any clues that maybe
there is a depressed psycho maniac girl
befriending him
making plans to spend her life with him
(falling in love with him).
so far, his crooked glasses have revealed nothing of the sort.
**
cody likes to see his name in here.
too bad he so rarely has the chance to read,
or he'd probably be very impressed with himself.
over the last three science units i've completed tonight,
all i've really been thinking about is my psychologist appointment
on wednesday
and what's to become of it.
is he going to bring up my anger issues again?
or is he going to ask me how i've been?
i haven't been in since mid-march.
oops.
so the last few hours have been me playing out the scenario,
and my possible answers,
in my head.
well, mike, nothing has changed much.
i'm probably experiencing yet another of my
ohsofavorable bipolar phases,
but i'm really fine, that's all.
or.
well, mike, truthfully,
i'm on the verge of suicide or insanity or something ridiculously huge and dramatic i'm sure;
my life consists of
obsessing over food,
depression,
and cody;
i'm constantly anxious about asking my parents for money
but my social anxiety has gotten to the point where
i have absolutely no motivation to go to a place of business,
let alone go and apply for a job;
i've lost all interest in any and everything that previously
kept up my "content" illusions;
i just destroyed and betrayed my very last personal goal/value;
and i've given up all hope for a better future
except that i'll have access to drugs and i'll
be with cody
(which is an extremely intelligent move on my part,
investing my dependency on a boy,
however trustworthy and beautiful and intelligent and loving and perfect he may be).
oh what a lovely visit this will be.
Princess
at 6:53 AM
i'm seriously
JUST
SO
STUPID.
but i will be thin if it fucking kills me.
Princess
at 3:47 AM
lavendar water
(just the shade of soothe),
dissolve my retention.
i scour
until the scars peel off,
drain my demise through forty little holes.
soaking in calm
by candlelight,
ready to omit the memories of
(myself).
lavendar speaks to me,
warm in hue and degree,
enfeebling my will to ache.
another ripple
erases a drag,
scrubbing to erase the bruises
(in shades of soothe).
Princess
at 12:36 AM
tonight i had my first cigarette.
five times over.
why?
because i just don't fucking care anymore.
and i'm a big fat hypocrite.
Princess
at 9:45 PM
i have this beautiful picture
in my mind
of what living with cody will be like.
every morning,
when the sun peeks through the windows,
i'll wake in his arms and
kiss him awake.
**
i told my mom that we were moving in together.
she tried to argue,
but i can honestly say that this has been something we've
planned on since day one.
that's a year and a half?
when i told him this last night,
he replied
that the motive behind living with me
(besides the fact that neither of us has ever met someone so situationally compatible)
was that he figured that was
the closest to me he'd ever get.
this, of course, was revealed
with his arms around
my exclusively t-shirt clad body,
planting random kisses on my cheek.
ps. i like being romantic now.
Princess
at 6:26 AM
grand total: 51 (up from 44, hah).
we fell asleep in my bed together for a couple hours.
it was the best sleep i've had in a long mother fucking time.
totally and utterly perfect in every way imaginable.
of course, i had to take him home early.
2:30-what a bitch.
we sat in my car for awhile, though, being... us.
making out, i don't know.
skip crazy car sex. it's all about making out at 3 in the morning to nine inch nails.
he held my hand the whole drive home.
and kissed it.
i spend the day sort of wooooooooozay after six xanax around 4.
eyes half shut.
letttthargy.
making cody do everything.
he didn't mind.
new blisters from burning myself in the bathroom at logo's last night.
it was seriously that bad.
haylee came in with me for awhile and we lit the shag pillows on fire.
hilarious.
it's weird between hay and i now-
we've seriously given up caring about anything.
we go out and she chain smokes in front of me,
i get sad and start burning/cutting/bingeing/purging.
neither of us says a goddamn thing.
because we both know eachothers positions on the subjects,
but our words would be wasted, anyway.
i stayed over with her after logo's last night.
it was fun.
and of course, waking up brought the cherished quote of the day from a post-strung-out and sleepy me:
"everyone in the entire world is happy- except us.
but i'm convinced i'm going to be happy when i'm skinny,
and you're convinced you're going to be happy after the next cigarette."
precious, huh?
tonight, laying in bed together, i asked cody about what his aspirations were in life.
he sort of bullshitted some answers before finally saying that
he won't be able to hold a steady job,
and that the only thing we have to progress to is the coveted status
of low-life drug addicts.
and he's so right.
we're either going to be ridiculous affluent between the both of our talents,
or ridiculously poor and trashy.
i don't think i care, though.
i'll be happy to stay with him.
and i looked over my true career options.
yes, i'm a dancer/singer/artist/writer/actress.
but honestly, i'm probably not going anywhere.
so i'm preparing myself for a future career as a
domme/stripper/tattoo artist/web designer/free lancer.
starving artist.
i'm all for it.
i've been in bingemode TERRIBLY.
last night at JB's after the show,
i had an entire order of breadsticks AND and entire order of french fries.
haylee said she'd never seen me eat so much.
it was fucking worth it.
then we get home and i eat half the box of honeycomb
and two diet root beers even though i HATE both of them.
i just wanted to eat.
so then today i ate four more breadsticks this morning
and four more when i got home.
BINGE.
so i'm thinking this next week i'm going to make myself sick again.
as in, too sick to eat.
so i can drop a few pounds.
much needed.
guess who's unhealthy and doesn't care?
about anything.
how cliche.
i smell him all over me. it's so good.
he's truly the only thing i'm living for.
how petty.
i got my hair cut yesterday, and it looks lovely.
i love my aunt cinde.
she's the awesome.
after the show, haylee, jonthn, and i were standing out front
and a window fucking fell out of the second story
right on our heads.
somehow, it didn't get haylee or me
but jonthn had a huge gash in his head and a little scratch on his nose.
word got out that he fell out of the window.
thoroughly entertaining.
oh, and bobbi was there.
how uncomfortable.
especially since something was obviously wrong with her,
but she opted to tell everyone that I WAS THE CAUSE.
great.
well, of course, it wasn't true.
because who in the hell would give two flying fucks about losing me?
jonthn talked to haylee and i about it.
and i said,
hm. what could she possibly miss about me?
let me think.
SHE MUST MISS HAVING SOMEONE TO TELL
HOW MUCH THEY FUCKING SUCK ALL THE TIME.
I KNOW THAT I'M A HUGE FUCKING LOSER,
AND I DON'T NEED A CONSTANT REMINDER, THANKS.
they both laughed.
but really.
that's a lot of the reason i hung out in the bathroom so much.
i just didn't want to be there in that room
feeling like she was staring at me from under the table.
yeah.
i'd rather set myself on fire.
so i did. haha.
he dedicated a song to haylee
and not her.
ee. weird.
i kind of wanted to go to the movies with the two of them tonight
(he is taking her to make up for valentine's day when haylee and i got lost and ended up skipping out on him on accident, haha)
but
i'm broke and i was tiiiiiired and sleeping with cody sounded like a much better idea.
oh.
haylee and i had a huge weird 13yearoldboy bout today
and lit everything on fire.
hilarity.
think hair,
cups,
doors,
cabinets,
ants,
plastic cd holders,
breadsticks,
straws,
(the carpet-oops),
and several other hilarious things.
why the sudden pyromania?
i don't know. but it sure was hilarious.
i think i'm going to go eat some more.
because i can, not because i'm hungry.
my throat is killing me, htough.
suck.
oh well.
<3.
Princess
at 3:49 AM
mm.
time at the beautiful cody's.
and when i say beautiful, i mean FUCKING GORGEOUS.
but he has no idea.
as soon as i got there, his dad yells through the phone
STOP LEAVING HICKEYS ON HIS NECK.
do it where it isn't visible.
hahahah.
he elbowed me in the forehead.
i now have a horn.
sexay.
we talked again about
the bobbi issue, and what his conclusions are after having talked to both of us.
he says neither of us tells a biased story.
but he retracts his statement from yesterday.
that's right, fucker.
he supports me.
really.
speaking of which, it's jonthn's birthday.
he messaged me today. told me he misses me.
cute.
i can't wait to see him tomorrow.
let's hope his band isn't HORRIBLETERRIBLEHORRIBLE
(like last time, haha).
i might end up dragging cody along with me.
seeing as how he'll be at xtian's.
however, given the circumstances,
i'll probably end up opting to spend most my time in the girls bathroom,
on the awesome couch.
actually, i should take my camera and have phototime with haylee.
hahah.
it's a nice couch.
OH!
binge.
strawberries in sugar/scooby snacks/triscuits/melted cheese/saltines/pizza goldfish/orange juice.
purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
(ged).
felt so fucking good.
mom's at work.
i don't like it.
it was weird getting home to a house where
no one acknowledged my presence or existence
and didn't give two fucks about whether i was here or gone or dead or alive or whatever.
the boys and jerry were fighting.
hm.
today's fuck off goes to.....
*drumroll*.....
STOMACH CRAMPS.
that's right, folks.
stomach cramps from eating, i officially say
"fuck you."
i took two promethazyne earlier but see no effect thus far.
DISAPPOINTING.
so maybe i should go lay down.
yeah.
good idea.
Princess
at 11:24 PM
i wish i was on the phone with donny, watching big comfy couch.
Princess
at 6:40 AM
Greenskysfall: Im sorry.
woah.
stop. think.
if we're gone,
it's because we were pushed.
and not fighting it anymore.
how many hours until we go to cody's?
FIFTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN.
how many hours until we're allowed to eat?
THIRTY THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Princess
at 12:39 AM
if i were a species,
i'd be extinct.
Princess
at 11:50 PM
i
feel
so
sick.
ate eight breadsticks.
why? because they were in front of my face.
was i hungry? no.
did i want them? no.
i just had to eat them. all.
and now they HURT and i'm going to gain an unreasonable amount of weight.
STUPID.
uggggggggggggggggggggh.
today=
*shower
*class
*haylee's
*fazoli's
*haylee's
*cvs
*haylee's
*home.
why cvs? her dog ate half a pack of oreos and we had to feed her peroxide in a dropper, which meant going to pick it all up.
poor oprah, foaming at the mouth.
she's so ugly.
haylee and i both, towards the end of the night, were tired and started having bad insane mood swings.
and ended up on the back porch with post-peroxide oprah, waiting for her to throw up, cracking up smacking ourselves in the heads with plastic baseball bats.
why?
because it was just so goddamn hilairous.
i'm going to cody's tomorrow and skipping the show.
because i feel like fucking hell
and i don't want to be in a big group of people
and i don't want to ask my mom for eight dollars
but i do want to lay on a futon and watch tommy boy and cry in cody's arms because i feel like a fat fucking cow.
and some logical part of me knows that i'm so goddamn stupid for thinking that.
but the other part just keeps seeing huge bulges all over the mirror.
WHY OH WHY, MAY I ASK AGAIN, DID I CHOOSE BULIMIA?
WHAT MADE ME DECIDE TO GET ADDICTED TO FOOD?
today finished off a 26 hour fast.
which would've continued, as was planned, if not for haylee calling me in class and asking me to come get her and take her to fazoli's. and then i didn't want food, but she had her heart set on me eating.. as usual. so i did.
a;sdkfjive and now i'm really upset with myself.
but whatever.
i'm stupid.
i'm alwyas mad at myself.
and i'm also always sick.
we were sitting on the deck, and haylee goes
GOD DAMMIT I'M SO TIRED.
and i replied
GOD DAMMIT I'M SO TIRED.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I'LL GO TO SLEEP IN TEN HOURS.
it was so true.
i want to cut all over my stomach so that it'll burrrrrrrrrrrn and everytime i start to eat i'll remember how much WORSE IT HURTS TO EAT.
the goal here is to skip three periods.
because then life's problems will be solved.
skip three periods and hit 110 pounds.
LIFE WILL BE ALL BETTER THEN. RIGHT? RIGHT.
my tongue is so bad.
SO.
maybe it's not getting better since i'm malnourished.
if that's the case, it would suck.
but i'm stupid and would love to just die for my sins and everyone else's.
this totally means that the fast is ON again.
ON I TELL YOU.
time to go let in the dogdogs.
<3.
Princess
at 11:08 PM
i feel terribly sick.
like, painful and nervous sick.
there's probably a reason behind it, and so far the only thing i've come up with is
asking my mom for money for the show tomorrow/friday.
that and it's only been 19 hours and i'm already thinking about food.
NO.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
i'm sinking deeper into this hole.
deeeeeeeeeeeeper.
what am i so stupid all the time?
cody needs to come back.
two more weeks. i can't wait.
Princess
at 11:52 AM
what a miserable day.
i woke up at 1 last night (after an hour of sleep) and decided i wasn't letting myself go to sleep at 7 because i am too emo to deal with my mom yelling at me for sleeping. soooooo at almost 8 i took brandon to school and went to the rama on 31 for some jolt. of course, i could only bring myself to drink half the bottle.
how seriously stupid.
i was totally sickly all day after that.
it's being crazy restless from the caffeine but wanting to kill yourself from no sleep.
my body went into some weird achey mode and i just kept thinking that i'd rather be nailing myself in the face with a baseball bat.
i was totally useless for the entire day.
the plan to stay up and make myself worth something for once backfired miserably.
and so, of course, i fell asleep at 8 last night and woke up at 3 this morning. so yeah, good that i finally got to sleep, but fucking pointless since i still woke up at 3 and am going to fall right back asleep in two hours.
so i spent today's entirety at home by myself feeling like death.
IT WAS SO PRODUCTIVE!
*
cody said he's noticed that i've lost weight and it's upsetting.
and if i wasn't a brain dead zombie, i would've cried.
but not because of him.
*
i ate five pieces of burnt pizza.
it wasn't even that good.
and afterwards, i was too dead to purge or exercise or do anything except be in a lot of pain because it was WAY TOO MUCH for my body to handle.
i'm pretty sure i'll gain at least three pounds.
aodihvalksejrea
how annoying it is that i'm so far off-base from normal
that five pieces of pizza= three pounds.
3500 cals is a pound for everybody else.
DKAL;KSEJRJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ.
*
INHC has got some hilarity going down.
woah.
*
28 day plan.
i'm going to do it.
and be 110 pounds.
NOW.
Princess
at 5:02 AM
cody confronted me about the eating.
and how i'm out of control.
..i guess he's right.
i just can't stop, and it's not a battle worth fighting.
Princess
at 4:01 PM
Sliceafruitcake: youre like my self esteem in a human shaped bottle
Sliceafruitcake: you're liek one of those crazy curvy long skinny bottle, all different colros and swirls thats corked
*
Sliceafruitcake: you're like princess webmaster
*
i love lindsayyyyy.
Princess
at 10:15 AM
rereading my blog (trying to find out how much weight i've lost and such), i stumbled upon this conversation from november:
ggglittersoresss: are you leaving me?
drain x november: i'm not leaving you.
ggglittersoresss: are you sure?
drain x november: beyond.
ggglittersoresss: are you going to in the future?
drain x november: not if i have any say so in it.
ggglittersoresss: ....are you really really sure?
ggglittersoresss: do you right triple pinky promise?
drain x november: super duper positively 100 million bajillion fifty thousand pinky promises sure.
Princess
at 7:11 AM
it's amazing how quickly standards change.
when i walked into monica's today, the first thing she did was ask if i'd lost weight.
i don't know, have i?
then i thought about it.
well, i'm so stuck on thinking that i'm fat that
i don't even realize...
a few months ago, a bad day for me was over 140.
and now a bad day is 127.
i don't even think about it.
i still feel fat.
what does this say?
hmpf.
sometimes i look at myself and go
HOLYNESS WHY DO I LOOK ANOREXIC?
but that's rare.
mostly it's..
HOLYNESS WHY AM I SO FREAKING FAT?
*sigh*.
my day with monica.
well, time for futurama.
night night, my lovelies.
Princess
at 9:46 PM
how does he make everything all better?
uh.maze.ing.
he came earlier than i expected, but i was in bed anyway so what did it matter?
i dressed up gorgeous to see my dad, who bought me a full tank of gas and is having it arranged at the gas station so that i never have to pay for gas again, but they'll send the bill to him.
the three of us ate at pizza hut.
i've been in trouble.
i have my tongue pierced.
i like vodka over beer.
cody and i have been in trouble together.
LET'S MAKE TYLER BLUSH.
it went fine, though. really.
surprising.
*random thought: my arms suck.*
from there, it was le typical day.
YOU KNOW. PERFECT AND THREE QUARTERS.
oh yeah. i love my new bed. hollllliiiinnneess.
i'm in love.
and i love it.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
he'd never seen tommy boy (which is sin to a family like mine).
on my bed, in his arms, hearing him laugh in my ear.
it felt so good to just sit there and enjoy his laugh.
in fact, everything felt so good.
to just have so much satisfaction out of sitting around enjoying eachother.
we giggle. a lot.
A LOT.
we pretty much abandoned any other requests or obligations and stayed in my room for the night.
well, with the exception of our run to taco bell and steak n shake,
and being kicked out of the house during church.
we went to the park, which was empty.
little kids. so hard.
swinging on his lap, laughing, with my skirt flying everywhere.
sitting on the *romantic* bench overlooking the jello lake.
me stumbling in my five inch heels.
try new things day.
OH. MY. GOD.
i took him home at 5 in the morning, and had to rush back here after dropping him off because the sun began to come out.
and i want my first sunrise to be with him, and not while i'm leaving.
we should spend the night together soon.
**
random thought time:
*my hair is long. and wavy and sort of unkept.
do i like it?
*trusting someone enough to be completely comfortable around them is extremely profound.
*i love fredryk phox.
**
aaron called me earlier.
it was sort of weird, seeing as how i hadn't talked to him in so many months,
that the first thing he brings up is bobbi.
what?
so i've heard her side of the story, he says.
and i think, aaron's been gone for a long time, and all bobbi wants to talk about is me?
there's a side to the story?
i owe aaron some kind of explanation?
maybe it sort of irritated me, knowing that there is a "side of the story" to portray.
and he's still asking.
he also mentioned that she said i've been
"secluded for awhile."
so yes, it's true.
but why does it merit discussion between to other people who don't have anything to do with it, really?
it confuses me. thoroughly.
i finally figured out that since i'm not IN highschool anymore, i don't HAVE to put myself through those highschool-sort of events and relationships anymore, i say.
why does no one seem to understand this concept?
and randomly he says, i'm going to be a better writer than you.
and i want to say, good luck.
but instead, i listen to what he's written.
which by no means was bad.
while he's reading, though, i think that i should be an english teacher. because i'm so vicious in picking apart editorials.
(yes, even my own.)
he found god.
he also found that he's destined for "really big things" that will earn him fame.
and he wants to go to purdue to be a psychologist.
he's certainly that type.
and he says, change of script, it's your turn to talk.
what about?
what do i even have to say to someone who's been absent?
i'm in a healthy relationship with cody.
response: it's only one in a string, it'll lead to healthier ones.
so what is there to say after that?
i guess i could have said, oh, well.
i'm a self-destructive moron and i've been spending all sorts of time alone
sleeping or emulating sleep
instead of communicating or socializing
because my entire life lies in my computer, my rarely-physically-present boyfriend,
and...
well, what else is there to add to that list?
blank stares and over-thinking.
bulimia.
great.
but i don't say much about myself.
because i rarely do to people anymore.
i don't feel like getting advice, lectures, "i know"s, or whatever else.
i don't care enough to talk about it,
about what's really going on,
except to haylee sometimes.
and truthfully, i rarely write in here about what's really going on.
only mostly extended versions of small things that actually affected me.
like this conversation.
i hate the adult swim lineup on sundays
(see, this is something that actually goes on that i don't talk about.
i watch adult swim every single night for hours upon hours, usually beginning with futurama at ten. in fact, i watch it so much that i LIKE aqua teen hunger force now because it's grown on me. it's such a large block of my life that goes without mention).
fuck events.
nothing matters anyway.
all i have to progress to from here is
an older version of the starving-artist stereotype
and probably a drug addict.
golly gee.
Princess
at 1:47 AM
mother's day.
stressful.
especially after a quite extensive and ridiculous bout of anger/fighting from jerry yesterday on the subject in front of the boys and cody.. directed at me, but not my fault, while mom heard the whole thing and cried because he was so out of line and i'd done nothing wrong.
it's ok. i didn't hurt myself. scratched my fingers. but didn't hurt myself.
i wanted to.
i drew her a lily.
worked off my ass.
it's beautiful.
went to haylee's around six.
fazoli's and subway, of course.
i'm sort of proud because i
A) picked subway
B) got the lowest cal chips even though i REALLY wanted sunchips
C) didn't eat the whole sandwich
D) drank HiC.
i freaking adore haylee.
we were driving, listening to cold hard bitch,
when i thanked her for being my best friend the last year.
i've truly gotten so much out of this relationship.
we're so low-drama and low-maintenance and high-quality.
she's been here so hard for me,
understood,
cared,
loved,
and she gave me back cody (of whom i was at a loss without).
cody and haylee are the best friends who've ever lived.
so there.
**
yesterday was beautiful on so many levels.
so many.
i gave him my written declaration of committment, so that he can't deny it or forget.
that i give and trust him with my whole self, situation, past, present, future, body, etc.
i'm his. all of me. that's it.
more later.
Princess
at 9:33 PM
they redid blogger's style. i hate it with a passion.
at haylee's tonight, she was online talking to ashley, who mentioned eric ballou.
turns out, he told her that he REALLY liked me.
i feel kind of bad thinking about it now, because the truth is that i often times forget that affair altogether. it was such a periodical comfort for me; a sort of needed step in the process of getting over what i lost with john. and now i don't even think about it.
but it meant enough to him that he still talks about me, a year later.
it had to. i did take his virginity.
so for the rest of his life he'll think about and remember me. but i'll forget he exists.
and that's sad.
Princess
at 9:11 PM
i've been thinking about changing this address.
final decision will be made sometime soon.
haylee and i had a freaking ball today.
white chocolate raisins.
i don't want to write about what actually happened.
all that matters is that i saw haylee, and she reminded me why i'm aliiiiiiive.
what's bothering me is her.
why do i still freaking care?
i delete her off my friends list so i don't HAVE to look at her,
but i go anyway on my own.
and i get all disappointed when her bloop is hidden.
why?
because i cannot be around her. period.
but it's like, i need to know things are ok, or what's going on, or something.
and it's freaking pathetic.
she's mopey because we're over.
so am i.
but honestly. that's just the way it has to be.
i am taking care of myself.
even if i'm a big emo baby who can't cut off ties completely no matter how much i know that i NEED to.
*kicks self in face*.
seeing my dad tomorrow.
FREAKING OUT.
what if i'm not good enough?
what if he sets me off?
what if he says/does something horrible in front of cody?
i guess that's why i'm taking cody though.
chances of "incidents" go down significantly.
also, chances are that he won't make some disgusting reference to me
about how i'm hott or have big boobs or just treat me like i'm one of his low-life fucking trash girlfriends.
do other girls have to worry about this with their dads?
i hope not.
i don't like him.
and everyone asks, then why are you seeing him?
and i say, because i'm a big girl.
but the truth, the answer that lies deeper in,
is that i'm a huge fucking idiot
because i really care about him and want him to love me back
the way he isn't capable of doing.
i want to be the little girl who he's proud of
other than for reasons like that i'd be a great hooters waitress
(his actual words. he said i'm "equipped").
i have this desperate ridiculous need to go with him
and hope that this time i'll be good enough to change him,
or his relationship with me.
i hate him.
i hate what he's done to me,
and the ruins he left my life in all those times.
but i love him,
i need him,
i want him.
and i'm so freaking stupid for not going the logical way,
like i'm trying so hard to do with bobbi,
but i'm too weak.
and maybe that's why i'm pushing the issue with bobbi so hard on myself.
because i WILL take care of myself,
i AM in control of what happens to me.
but i can't actually go through with it on my dad's part
if i'm not in the middle of a huge dramatic trauma with him.
and it's been pretty cool for almost a year.
so i'm being an idiot and letting my guard down again,
like i always have,
and i know for a fact that i'm goign to get crushed.
but i'm letting him.
fucking idiot.
at least i won't have any pity for myself for going right back into his trap.
and i don't have to cry for myself.
i'll just cry because i hate him.
cody's mom is spossed to bring him tomorrow.
fat chance.
if they're not out the door by 11:45, i'm coming.
period.
i need him there with me,
and i know his mom has no idea what's going on
and therefore makes getting him to me on time last priority.
but this is seriously important to me.
i still haven't found that goddamn movie.
i'll go tomorrow morning to blockbuster and see if they have it.
and i'm thinking i'll make my dad take us to little mexico
so cody can have salsa,
since i was too broke to get it for him.
and i'll make him brownies?
i ate them all, shit.
i'm a horrible horrible horrible horrible girlfriend.
and person.
at least i made the lovesong mix.
that's not good enough, nevermind.
i wish i had enough money to get him ice cream, at least.
but no.
i hate myself.
rawrrrrrrrr.
haylee's getting a new email at the beautiful cherrysucker.
i think we've decided her name will be rightonmorris.
superb.
haha.
i'm in love with this guy.
omg.
best thing ever.
"cut it out, you faggoty fox."
everybody but me, haylee, and lindsay hates it.
but i don't care.
i don't think it gets cooler.
i'm deciding on whether i should make a new outfit for tomorrow
or take in my navy pier skirt that i made
or wear one i already have.
i borrowed a shirt from haylee,
but now i was thinking it'd be too revealing to be arouond him.
i mean, it's tight and vneck.. what if that made him say something?
it's probably better to hide my figure.
ooh. measurements.
bust- 38 inches.
waist- 24.5 inches.
hips- 35 inches.
the goal is for the waist to go down to 23.
and i don't know about how big for the hips, but i want to be able to fix into a size 3.
only keeping the butt.
which is almost all muscle now.
and my legs are almost complete muscle- i just have to work on my inner thighs.
which will hopefully take off an inch or two.
they're almost 20 inches now. they need to be smaller, so hard.
why am i thinking about this?
shut up.
i need to make hay a skirt.
i'm excited. it'll be cute.
i have to fix another one of hers.
and make my twinkie shirt into a skirt.
i really like sewing.
i'm surprised that i'm so good at it,
because when i attempted fashion and textile class
i sucked HARD.
maybe i'm better with making my own patterns instead of pre-made ones?
who knows.
maybe i just got better at it.
but i'm actually proud.
i have to go clean my room and make my mom a sketch for mother's day.
yeah.
Princess
at 11:40 PM
panic attack much?
i hate you. i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate you.
i need my cody.
where is my cody?
gimme, gimme gimme.
i need.
can't breathe.
sometimes i'm so scared of him.
i'm so scared he'll hurt me, leave.
all the time.
all.
breathe.
we've had a lot of recent conversations about trust, and a lot of things that have been really shocking to me personally have come out.
i guess i always felt comfort in knowing that all along he wasn't interfering with the fact that i couldn't have a relationship with him instead of doing something stupid out of jealousy.
but he admitted it a couple weeks ago.
remember how i went through that thing where i didn't talk to you a whole lot and all that stuff with bobbi happened?
how could i not remember?
well. i've been thinking about it, and...
it was jealousy.
he needed me to feel the jealousy he felt.
sshockk.
it was definitely comforting in one way but definitely not in another.
comforting to knwo that the truth was that no one has truly threatened my position in his life as first.
but uncomforting to know that, even subconsciously, there were methods and manipulations
and that i easily fell victim.
i didn't know you'd be that upset.
i didn't know it would hurt you that badly.
i felt horrible.
it's been going through my head a lot lately.
it shows a lot that.. he finally told me that.
so even if it hurts, i really respect it.
really.
i'm so insecure.
it's nice to know that, in a way, he did it for me.
because he wanted my attention.
and not because i'm not good enough.
i could've never gone back.
i love you.
and now i just have to try to delete that conversation from my head.
he told me too that
part of the reason he isn't quite aaas openly jealous
as i would expect from him or any other guy (or he would expect)
is because he does trust me.
(even if he doesn't understand why.)
which makes me feel good about myself.
i like knowing that the mutual trust,
even if completely baseless at points,
has yet to fail us
(even as friends).
i need to quit shaking.
how many hours?
twenty one?
that's so many.
gimme. gimme. gimme.
my. mine.
;alskdfjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj.
Princess
at 3:02 AM
today was thoroughly satisfying.
didn't sleep much at all last night. maybe a total of three hours.
woke up at 4something and crawled into bed with mom at 7something.
then everyone got up and i stayed in bed with migraine.
stillllllllllll didn't sleep, though.
eventually (god only knows the time frames, for seriously now that i've given up time i don't even think about it unless i'm watching a tv with a clock vcr) i got up and gathered a ton of tshirts and decided to sew. woo diy.
i made another new skirt out of a horribly ugly navy pier shirt. it's adorable.
and i made my first shirt ever.
it's a halter with a red panel for the chest, a white stomach with the ghostbusters logo on the front, and doubled over and sewed white fabric for the straps. it needs a little work because i don't like the way i ended up setting the collar (ok all it really needs is like two stitches on a runch), but it turned out REALLY well. i was totally surprised that they both looked so good, considering that i made my own patterns and no one's ever taught me how to do that (or sew knits, or sew shirts, or sew skirts, or use our old-fashioned sewing machine...).
of course, when my mom got home, the first thing out of her mouth was "how bout a pattern?"
thanks for shooting me down mom.
anyway. i went to haylee's for a much-needed.. haylee-time.
we caught up on everything and had one of those hilarious ongoing discussions about how we hate everything, we're horribly depressed and negative, and laughed our freaking butts off. only with haylee can i laugh about the most miserable ness.
we went to fazoli's and experienced the WORST STRAWBERRY LEMON ICES EVER MADE, but we laughed and put sugar packets in them and struggled with social anxiety and awwwed at the skinny cute waiter together.
thennnnnnnn we came home and listened to some awesome mix she made and talked about our future and lack of money and talents and what we are going to do about it.
i freaking love her.
it hurts my heart that her mom won't let her spend the night.
because even if haylee had intentions of romance towards me (WHICH, TRUST ME, SHE DOESN'T), there's no way it would EVER happen.
i am so thoroughly devoted to cody that it literally repulses me to think of being with another person.
i mean, i love haylee, but i'm in love with cody.
and that's that.
but.
oh well.
her mom is making the choices that she thinks are right for hay, so i give her credit for trying most definitely.
i guess i'm surprised that she let up and decided to let haylee keep talking to me, considering the fact that i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm the trashiest whore this side of the country. i guess that's the risk i run of keeping my journal online. but i promised i wouldn't edit or delete things. so i'm not. this is me, and all my horrible ugliness. and i'm trying to be open with it so nothing will ever happen again in the way of people accusing me of alternate intentions or whatnot.
laaaaaaaaaa none of this will make sense in awhile.
that's ok.
monica told brittany she wanted to run away to my house.
which is a concept that escapes my mind completely.
i mean, yeah, it sucks to fight with your brothers. i know how that is. i know how it is to be at such ends as brandon almost breaking my arms, and lisa trying to beat me up *yeah right*, and all sorts of them not speaking to me for months on end.
but honestly. it's a piece of cake compared to some things.
i cannot wait to get out of this house.
i love my family, i'm grateful for what they've given me.
but i need out.
and i would not come here on purpose (unless i was escaping, say, my ex-household, which monica has no concept of whatsoever).
i feel sort of bad because i think i really upset her earlier.
but she signed off and i'm pretty sure assumed the situation before i had a chance to explain.
she told haylee that she thought i would understand more than anyone about the cutting, and that she was a lot like me in that way.
and i said no.
she's not like me, and i'm not understanding and i have no sympathy.
period.
it just frustrates me that these people are not addicted, easily see what it leads to, have all the resources to stop before it actually becomes a problem, and me- who has been to hell and wisconsin and back over this stupid fucking idiocy- of all people to feel sorry for them or be understanding of it.
well, i'm not.
i'm not sorry for myself, either.
and the truth is that i'm NOT like any of you trendy fucks.
i started cutting before i knew it existed, before i understood what it gets you into, before i really even knew what i was doing (thanks masochism).
and by the time i was found out, it was just too fucking late.
i didn't have any help, i didn't have any anything.
but i deal with it.
and i especially don't want any fucking pity from other cutters. i don't want anyone to "understand how hard it is." i want to be able to cope with my emotions once in awhile, that's all. the last thing in the world that i want is to do irreparable damage to my body and have everybody cry over it.
and let me reiterate that i've never gotten a fraction of an ounce of sympathy out of anyone for it.
let me reiterate how many times i've been spit on for it.
let me reiterate how many horrible terrible things i've had to hear for it.
no, my parents were never "concerned for me" or "worried for my health" or anything like that.
i was in TROUBLE for it, all the time, and got to hear what a worthless piece of trash i was for it and how i was sucking them fucking dry because i had to be hospitalized.
and the truth is that, looking back on it, i'm glad that i only met one other cutter EVER then who also didn't give me any sympathy.
i'm glad no one said ohpoortyler let'skissherbooboosbetter andhaveapityparty.
i'm glad that i didn't get it in my head early on that it's ok to manipulate people like that.
so to everyone who is hurt or whatthefuckever because i'm not babying their sorry asses because they gave themselves a few kitty scratches-
you get today's fuck off.
i'm not sorry for you, i won't be sorry for you, i don't want to deal with it, and chances are that i love you too much to want to see you go through it, too.
ps i'm really tired of seeing people cry over tiny kitty scratches, too. or "slits" that are not as deep as the time cody accidentally cut me with scissors. REALLY FREAKING TIRED.
that was good to get out of my system.
i switched beds with kris tonight.
it was THE AWESOME.
i'm really happy.
I FINALLY GOT MY BED BACK! YAYYYYYYYYY!
**yeah, this is the first big-girl bed i ever got and kept until the day i moved out.. and then kris stole it. so i'm reclaiming it now because IT'S MINE BIZNATCHES.**
tomorrow, i'm picking up hay from school and we're going to the mall so she can get her mom something for mother's day (i'm broke, my mom doesn't like it when i buy things, and she DOES like it when i draw her flowers, which i never do anymore. so i'm thinking that i'll find the good pencils and whip something up, maybe even a landscape of her own gorgeous gardening?).
and if i can find more money, i'll get shoelaces.
momma aphro britt and joshie athena may meet us there, which would rock me so hard.
he's so gosh dang beautiful, like woah, and i'm so glad that he chose the perfecto time to step into her life.
THEN i'm going to the mother-daughter-granddaughter banquet at center. *bites lip*.
AND SEE MY KIDS!
!!!!
!!
AND HELP WITH BELLS!
WOO!
GO!
anyway. cody might spend the night at xtian's tomorrow, which would be a ssssssserious help to moi.
because cody and i are going to lunch with my dad at 1 on saturday (and brandon too?), and it would suck to have to be anxious about going and what i looked like and what might happen and where we'd go and what i'll say and everything else whilst driving to and from danville.
so yeah.
please dear ness let cody stay at the xtian's.
steven called and said he's having a bday party on saturday, which i really need to stop in for.
i'll drag cody and go for like, a half hour.
because i love steven, even if we've recently lost touch.
and cody loves the steven. and even if he didn't, i'd still make him go.
man, it seems like not too long ago was steven's last bday party. i met up with eriq, had been not talking to people, and it really helped me feel better. i totally was getting closer to haylee and i guess seeing eriq kind of gave me some sort of solace in knowing that the entirety of the post-TANTA population didn't despise me.
dang.
where'd this year go?
tonight was the megan's room show.
i missed it.
i'm a horrible person.
kick me.
my tongue hurts again.
cody is no longer the suck.
i am.
Princess
at 12:52 AM
brandon just came in and hugged me out of nowhere.
that was the first time in months.
Princess
at 6:06 AM
missed class yesterday.
fell asleep at about 6 and didn't wake up until 4:38. which means everyone even came home and didn't wake me up for class. i cried.
but it meant that i got an extra hour at cody's.
i made brownies because he'd said he wanted them.
too bad for him, he ate the smallest one and then everyone else got their hands on them.
NO MORE FOR HIM. MUAHAH.
they were pretty good. i was proud.
i finally finished my skirt.
picture one.
picture two.
those pictures suck, but whatever.
i'm so fucking 80's.
came home and ate.
a lot.
half the new jar of peanuts, half a bowl of macaroni, brownies, a bunch of other stuff.
then i took a bunch of promethazyne and fell asleep.
but it didn't keep me asleep long. i woke back up and ate a pack of fruit snacks and more peanuts and yogurt and sprinkles.
and then woke up again and ate more fruit snacks and fruit rollups and peanuts.
i'm really, really, really full.
at least it doesn't hurt.
i think there's a magen's room show tonight.
so if i can find someone to go *since i can't go alone*, that would be the awesome.
because i haven't gone to one yet because i'm a horrible person who rarely leaves her house, even to go to shows to support her donnys.
or donny.
cody's a good kisser.
i want to go the y, take a shower, and get my hair cut today.
tomorrow there's a yoga class at the y i was thinking about talking my mom into going to with me.
that'd be fun.
i need a fitlinxx thing. i wish i wasn't so damn shy. because otherwise i'd have one by now.
fuck you, social anxiety.
my tongue hurts.
for the first time.
i'm assuming this actually means it's actually infected and i actually have to do something about it.
annoying.
cody knows the theme song to captain planet.
we sang it together.
why is that song so fucking cool?
GODDAMMIT WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM?
GO AWAY BRAIN.
i've been watching captain planet every morning now (what else is there to do at FOUR IN THE MORNING?).
and aqua teen hunger force. even though i don't like it.
it reminds me of alex.
iiiiiiiiiiiii can't wait till saturday.
my life is a worthless piece of feces.
Princess
at 5:45 AM
ate spaghetti because mom begged and i couldn't take the smell.
WEAK.
but i followed it up promptly with a visit to the Y that made me almost pass out (again).
oops.
i feel like a failure though. i didn't even make it a solid 30 hours. only 29.5. HALF HOUR SHORT. what a weak.. weak guy.
i want to make brownies to see cody tomorrow.
awesome.
i'm going to his house after class. for a short visit. and a brownie and a kiss. good times.
Princess
at 12:45 AM
"Who is at risk for developing anorexia nervosa?
People who become anorexic often were good children -- eager to please, conscientious, hard working, and good students. Typically they are people pleasers who seek approval and avoid conflict. They may take care of other people and strive for perfection, but underneath they feel defective and inadequate. They want to be special, to stand out from the mediocre masses. They try to achieve that goal by losing weight and being thin.
Who is at risk for developing bulimia?
People who become bulimic often have problems with anxiety, depression, and impulse control; for example, shoplifting, casual sexual activity, binge shopping, alcohol and drug abuse, and cutting and other self-harm behaviors. They do not handle stress gracefully. They may be dependent on their families even though they fiercely profess independence. Many have problems trusting other people. They have few or no truly satisfying friendships or romantic relationships.
Some clinicians find that a high percentage of their clients with eating disorders also have histories of physical or sexual abuse. Research, however, suggests that people who have been abused have about the same incidence of eating disorders as those who have not been mistreated. Nevertheless, the subject arises often enough to warrant discussion here.
People who have survived abuse often do not know what to do with the painful feelings and overwhelming memories that remain, sometimes even many years later. Some try to escape those feelings and memories by numbing themselves with binge food or through starvation. Some try to symbolically cleanse themselves by vomiting or abusing laxatives. Some starve themselves because they believe they are "bad" and do not deserve the comfort of food and the nurture it represents."
Princess
at 12:11 AM
125.5 pounds.
26.5 hours.
it's NOT enough.
NOT.
Princess
at 5:36 PM
"Like anorexia, bulimia can kill. Even though bulimics put up a brave front, they are often depressed, lonely, ashamed, and empty inside. Friends may describe them as competent and fun to be with, but underneath, where they hide their guilty secrets, they are hurting. Feeling unworthy, they have great difficulty talking about their feelings, which almost always include anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and deeply buried anger. Impulse control may be a problem; e.g., shoplifting, sexual adventurousness, alcohol and drug abuse, and other kinds of risk-taking behavior. Person acts with little consideration of consequences."
fuck the fucking fuckers.
i hate this.
i severely and honestly miss being anorexic.
i miss dance.
i miss having control.
reading up on this has made me despise myself on so many levels.
WHAT WAS I THINKING PICKING AN ED THAT MAKES YOU NOT SKINNY?
why am i such a freaking idiot?
why do i continually seem to make decisions that benefit me none whatsoever?
there are all these people everywhere in communities, they make me so angry.
"i'm 110 pounds- SO FAT."
i just want to cut all the fat off myself.
so i fake-binged instead, because i was depressed, which made me want to eat, which made me depressed and decide to starve myself (which will again make me want to eat, what a great cycle).
consumed: water. lots.
consumed and purged: a healthy choice fudgecicle.
purged without consumption: a bag of fat-free pretzels and a can of reduced fat pringles.
24 hour fasts just aren't cutting it for me.
i'm fasting until the next time i see cody.
i will have control.
i will get rid of this stupid bulimia.
i will will back my anorexia.
which is way easier to stop than bulimia,
and i will stop as soon as i'm back to the way i used to be.
so then.
last time eating: 3:30.
remember that, self.
Princess
at 2:39 AM
^that's me. i made it. i'm cool.
Princess
at 10:05 PM
first bloop template design.
yeah so. it's not all that good, but i'm really really proud of it.
i spent maybe three hours making the picture and template last night/this morning.
i'm learning to develop templates there first so that i have to remember to deal with overrides and such. next i'll start in on blogger.
seriously guys, i'm really proud.
had a BAD asthma attack at the Y.
i'm sick now.
it sucks.
cody, kiss my lungs.
going to go finish working on some graphics now.
<3.
Princess
at 9:52 PM
picture by magen.
candid and hilarious.
how bout big boobs?
no thanks, i've already got them.
Princess
at 9:44 PM
THIS ISN'T PUBLISHING.
Princess
at 7:07 PM
PUT YOUR TAG IN MY BRACKETS.
*sexual reference*
this is how much i love html design.
Princess
at 6:23 PM
STOP IT!
STOP MAKING ME LOVE YOU!
OR I'LL BURY YOU ALIVE IN A BOX.
we're just going to keep getting married.
will that be cash or charge?
Princess
at 4:53 PM
i love haylee.
fazoli's is good, but not necessarily always the food.
just fazoli's.
i would like to cut bug chunks out of myself right now.
but i think it would be a good idea to refrain from doing so.
especially since i feel so stupid about the ones i already have.
i just can't stop.
i can't ever stop.
i hate being crazy.
Princess
at 9:27 PM
he didn't call me today.
he made it a point to promise.
PROMISE.
that he would.
and he didn't.
quit lying to me all the time.
Princess
at 9:25 PM
so i went to prom last night with brittany.
amazing adventures ensued.
married cody.
gum on the bottom of my prom dress.
brittany's beautiful.
tongue tattoos from fruit rollups kick major ass.
met the josh.
had a mental breakdown.
hot chocolate at steak n shake.
had to witness the weirdness of cory and lindsay dancing.
ate.
took bad- i mean HORRIBLE- pictures. when did i become so anti-photogenic?
danced a little.
cut out of everything early.
bloodstained the chest of my dress and almost cried at the realization.
stupid.
wore chucks with the dress.
went to the ER to visit my mom and the girls.
danced in the rain in my dress.
wore a hot 80's number afterprom.
lots of people were glad to see me.
but not necessarily i to them.
http://community.webshots.com/user/ggglittersoresss
^some of the horrible pictures.
yeah.
Princess
at 4:14 PM
so i'm DYING to pierce myself right now.
but i'm not, just in case it makes me too dizzy and lightheaded to function correctly at prom tomorrow.
see how selfless i am?
heh.
not.
magen's here.
haylee acted weird online earlier.
tongue is infected. but doesn't hurt.
cory pointed out that i still wear his ring tonight.
haven't talked to cody since i left his house.
can't sleep.
whatever.
Princess
at 4:46 AM