oh yeah,
and yesterday's psychiatrist appointment went really well.
i'm being put on welbutrin, ambien, and an antipsychotic.
also, i was officially diagnosed bipolar.
like i didn't already know that.
i go back in a month.
he said i have a good head on my shoulders.
Princess at 12:04 PM
no, not anymore.
all i want is to die and get it over with.
and FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT,
I JUST WANT MY FUCKING PROMETHAZYNE AND TO NOT HAVE TO BE CONSCIOUS RIGHT NOW,
I HAVE WORK UNTIL NINE AND I'M GROUNDED AND I CAN'T DO THIS.
NO.
Princess
at 11:59 AM
This can be my song you’ll never love in serenade.
I’m crying so many things that aren’t water,
Just biting my tongue so as not to throw them up on you.
Hot potato, fire cracker,
Toss the girl aside.
I know I will.
There was once a series of nights, maybe fifty two of them,
When we could lay in nothing and nothingness but extract so much
Or just four letters.
And now the question burns through smoothies:
What happened?
I can only expel my slightest idea:
Another four letters.
And not the ones you like to hear.
You kiss my hand like it was all the nights of the series you broke,
Or like it could be kissed away.
But even my hand has a mouth,
And with its own lips it decidedly says no to pressing them on yours.
Covered in henna.
It only turns dark when you’re four letters in,
But as time passes I wonder where these four letters lie.
What if they’re not in you?
Princess
at 11:30 AM
ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
straight up now.
my stomach is killing me.
i ate SO MUCH last night.
hm.
i think i'm going to take a nap.
Princess
at 10:58 AM
XDarkNightAloneX: im sorry but ur very pretty
i got roses from the military recruiter today.
ROSES.
how amazing.
another customer came in and told me i was beautiful.
then cody showed up to see me, it was fucking amazing.
only then heather came in and asked if that was cody i was talking to,
and then left and grabbed him and drug him to bobbi's,
and then heather said DO'NT TELL TYLER,
and then they had some kind of conversation about my blog
(as credited to cody).
as of today i am thoroughly annoyed with the fact that working at the mall means talk of bobbi must be a part of my life.
also that heather said don't tell tyler.
how fucking queer.
i have roses.
how cool.
i'm really full.
when i'm intoxicated, cody totally annoys me.
today i met kamal.
i missed kris's swim meet.
Princess
at 11:44 PM
nirvana is the ultimate in shadyjob scariness.
and i'm working like, full time.
but i don't wnat to.
i still don't have a schedule or know how much i'm going to get paid,
i still haven't met with the manager,
i still haven't been asked for my social security number,
and you're not allowed to work there unless you're 18,
and he clearly knows i am not.
shit.
cody's been paying a lot more attention to me.
everyone has.
so i've been busy all week and i feel sick.
now i remember why i decided to have no friends and never leave the house.
just kidding.
i have to leave in a half hour,
so here i go.
love.
Princess
at 10:05 AM
i'm tired.
first day at nirvana was totally interesting.
but i walked away with a settled stomach
and a henna tattoo.
which is good.
i also walked away without a schedule,
knowing how much this is going to pay,
and knowing anything about anything, really.
so much for orientation
(there wasn't).
today i work at 4-9, though, which should be doubly interesting.
woo.
momma spent the night.
good times.
i love her.
chad and i are hanging out after work.
i have to take kris to swim team now.
suck.
Princess
at 11:00 AM
HIRED AT NIRVANA, BITCHES!
besides getting a job today,
i also went to cody's where
we had an entire day of sexual frustration.
and a little being relieved.
uh, yeah.
plus i'm sober.
ew.
tomorrow i work eleven to six.
FUCK YES.
Princess
at 11:10 PM
hey wait, i've got a NEW complaint.
we had a song.
have.
this is worse than tears.
Princess
at 3:41 AM
"you wanna run with the fellas, tyler?"
blazed away any tears i was crying over today's earlier events
with chad
and zachsteveericnatejustincraig.
the only girl, i was thoroughly impressed with the discovery
of axe spray in eric's couch
and proceeded to spray it all over myself.
i still smell so good.
cody and i talked for a long time.
but i haven't the least clue what about.
plus, i went to derek's.
i really like chad's dirty piece of shit truck.
really.
and riding in it tonight, i started to think about
a quote from sex and the city yesterday at eric's
that had to do with your relationship with your father being the predecessor to all your future relationships.
it was totally true.
because here i am with an entire group of guys who
are exact replicas of my dad as a teen.
i can only speculate as to which ones will grow to
god. my dad.
i am so completely out of it.
i need to watch tv and go to sleep.
chocolate ice cream is totally awesome.
I AM SO CLOSE TO SEEING LINDSAYYYY!
Princess
at 3:25 AM
sex and candy played on the radio when i took him home,
tears rolling down my face
and the windows rolled down.
but it was perfect,
the way the light hit
his lips on mine.
skipping the green light for a much-needed
kiss,
i scavenged for any trace of reassurance in our short embraces.
any.
at all.
but alas, as one might say..
romeo and juliet died in the end, too.
i was so sad that i ate too much food.
pain.
and lonliness.
is it possible to miss him already?
do i count as single?
Princess
at 8:12 PM
hiatus.
at least it's not cheating anymore.
*shot*.
Princess
at 4:59 PM
being blonde is the awesomest.
i am really tired.
i don't think i was actually ready to handle committment.
this makes me extremely nervous.
because what if i need a hiatus to think about this?
terrified.
not nervous.
big eyes. i have really big eyes.
i want french fries.
no, fazoli's.
compulsive eater.
oh yeah,
pictures of being blonde:
go.
Princess
at 12:38 PM
maybe i should quit this boy thing
and go full-on les.
haha.
i itch, and i'm very, very.
very.
for the second time today.
after two days of being stuck with cody
late at night
and being totally responsible for his inebriated ass,
i would just like to say
that it really fucking sucks
and never again do i want to party with him.
he scratched my glasses last night at chad's party
in trashwater.
i was a little more than upset.
haylee and i are truly partners in crime.
i feel really fat right now.
boys, like really good ones, are hitting on me at INHC.
did i mention i was blonde?
i miss lindsay.
i need to download some of the great pictures
haylee and i have taken over the past few days.
yeah.
Princess
at 2:53 AM
current update:
i hate everyone.
last night, because i promised chad a spot in the infamous blog..
chad: these cheezits taste like spanish omelettes.
me: that's so going in the blog.
chad: THE INFAMOUS BLOG?
me: yeah. definitely.
partying is good, but cody is no good for the alchohol.
he wants me to spell that right.
but i really don't want to.
BACK TO THE STORY.
i have dolly parton hair.
he needs to not talk.
anyway. i'm sober.
Princess
at 1:42 PM
maybe you're a big blue whale.
bleach burns,
cody should be here,
i should be at chad's.
something like that.
also, i think i'm about to start my period
because it hurts like a bitch.
my stomach, i mean.
owwwwwch.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
cody should really be around to watch me more often.
eeep.
Princess
at 10:07 PM
did i mention how much i fucking love sublime?
Princess
at 12:29 PM
no really guys,
i totally hate myself.
i really need cody to answer his phone right now.
but is anyone ever there when i need them?
of course not.
Princess
at 12:06 PM
i hate babysitting,
and my boyfriend won't get out of my fucking daydreams.
dammit.
Princess
at 1:07 PM
note to self:
remember that you're mad at cody AND zach for not calling.
also, the coolest million dollar idea ever
is garlic bread for the toaster.
suh-suh-stoned.
Princess
at 1:09 AM
wrote with brittany tonight,
and while this SHOULD be going in my
random writing journal
(which it probably will),
it's going in here because..
because it is.
**
fast girl, fast pace, let's increase the need for speed. colors only clash to the un-fashionable. i never write long enough, or live anything through, but i close my eyes and take another running step.
fuck young and being in love. lust will do, and i'll DO whatever i want.
i need a new taste in my mouth. i need a new set of lifegoals. but drugged out whore will work just fine. as long as i'm not denying myself any much-needed inclinations of youthful and free.
it's the truth and i love it. regardless of anyone else's input. you'd love it too if for one second, or three hours, you got to feel so fucking perfect and RIGHT.
but you don't. or you do, but you can't, don't, or won't like me for it. fuck your fascist views of "homewrecker" or "morality." in fact, fuck YOU. it rolls off my tongue, fast like me.
i do what i want.
**
i don't LIKE inhibitions. so don't expect me to do what you want.
what is difinitive here? the drama defines your moronic, morose need to inhibit me. look down, go down, go down on, sink to a level. just try it.
double standards. you spoon-feed me anti-you, but i won't fucking choke it down like the good little cum-swallower you know me to be. i can call myself names, and in your blackmail position i can only hope you've got something better to sling my way.
**
the high is here and i'm ready for it to be gone, but when it's gone i want it again. "this has gotta be bad for me."
through some puff of smoke, or maybe the pink sky line is what's really key here, there are more sweartogods that we can be our own women again.
the one line, it's not worth the end. end-the letters for a finality worse than we can explain. tales of drama leading on and up to another fanciful dream of running away, that's becoming just that- a dream.
where to? i have no idea.
Princess
at 9:57 PM
funny thing is,
i don't actually care.
update: the no bra strike has officially started.
tonight.
Princess
at 6:59 PM
cody had to go home early last night,
due to the fact that mom got off work at 3.
so i took a couple pictures to show out-of-towners my hair
(did i mention i dyed it?)
and read until i fell asleep.
the hair:
one.
two.
i was awoken at 10 on the dot this morning
and forced to go to......
*gasp* church.
how terrible.
after, we sent brandon off to camp and headed
to a family reunion.
kaitlyn (i don't even know how it's spelled),
an extremely dishonest younger cousin of mine
whose flakiness and boastful, self-absorbed tendencies are only fuelled by her
overbearing insecurity,
followed me around and suceeded in making me
923847837986293847 times more uncomfortable
than i already was.
of course, her immediate choice of discussion was cutting,
then antidepressants,
then counseling,
then how much she hates our family,
then summerschool,
then drugs,
then dating older boys,
all of which were discussed because i'm sure she's under the impression
that's what i'm into.
she took down my number with a nonchalant, but most terrifying, threat:
"we'll be hanging out- whether you like it or not."
maybe she picked up on my distaste for her
more than i thought.
i'm reading the most fabulous book
called *wacky chicks* by simon doonan
that consists of all sort of free-spirited icons i more than identify with.
how unusual/exciting.
i guess.
by the way, i'm convinced that the dust-off
has caused some sort of undeniable damage
to my brain/nerves.
(ie, i'm still buzzed from yesterday and it wasn't that good,
i constantly lose feeling in my limbs/face,
my behavior is even more off-the-wall than usual.)
*shrug*.
texas chainsaw massacre is a choice movie.
Princess
at 4:47 PM
ps kissing cody is awesome.
Princess
at 1:11 AM
i am totally.
and full.
Princess
at 1:04 AM
i could not possibly hate myself more.
I FUCKING DID IT. are you happy?
Princess
at 12:40 AM
i don't know what happened,
but this fucking glass of milk i was drinking earlier
has officially disappeared.
Princess
at 4:52 AM
i am so.
at chad's, sitting next to le beautiful and everprecious zachary.
he blushes at the thought.
tool is the best band ever.
fuck nirvana?
this is my best friend ever experiencewise.
codysaid today i was his best friend.
bestest in the whole wide world.
i felt special and three quarters.
my dad called this morning to settle a time for me to go up there,
but my mom just called with the news that cinderella is playing
at beef&boards while i'll be gone.
(lindsay- we were thinking the 4th-15th, but now it might be later).
zach said i'm a bastard again.he had to go shoot himself in the face, but he's back.
haylee always has to mow the fucking grass
whenn it rains.
what the fuck?
that doesn't m ake any sense.
fuck my typing right now.
i feelk fat.
i ate lunch.
mmmmmmmm.
like a zillion calories in breadsticks and some cherry slush and cheese and mints.
i don't even care at the present(ary) second.
brittany,
what show is friday?
and the party is saturday?
cody might want me, but i'll probably skip.
partying>late night with cody.
for this weekend.
hahahahha.
um,
open wide to suck it in.
Princess
at 7:09 PM
also,
i want to see cody flip out sometime.
Princess
at 3:16 PM
recap:
monday.
took kris to swim practice
where i realized my wallet was lost.
freaked out, came home, called everyone up,
no one had seen it.
mom kept screaming at me, sooo i
got in a huge fight with mom where i dared her to hit me
for pulling my hair.
which resulted in her grounding me.
finally, cody found it in chad's car, so i drove to zach's
crying
for a cigarette.
brought cody home for major cuddle action,
then went to harry potter.
kick fucking ass.
back and fourth, steak n shake, blahblah.
at 11, zach went with nate and chad
so i could take cody home
and sneak him in here.
mmmmmmmmmm.
took him home around 2.
fell asleep with a glass of grape juice
and ruined my sheets.
tuesday.
schoolwork and a shower in the morning.
picked up haylo and drove to zach's
at about 3.
more smoking.
cody's mom came at about 4.
it was heartbreaking.
zach and i switched clothes
(me in his shorts and shirt
and him in my miniskirt and babyshirt),
then the three of us went to fazoli's
plus the mall.
my house for some strong baaaad and grape juice.
then we took home haylo
and went to chadely's.
tetris, a huge fucking bug, cleaning the kitchen,
taping zach's dress.
dropped zach off at nate's and caaame home.
ta-da.
today i have a psych appt at 1.
JOY!
not.
i do not want to sit in a room and listen to my mom
bitch about how awful i am.
i know i'm fucking awful, dammit,
i don't need a legion of people better than me to say so.
most likely, i'll end up with zach later.
i'm way worried about monica.
she's not been online,
she deleted her community and s/n,
she's not answering her phone,
and when we stopped by no one was there.
i hope she's ok.
i guess i'll go get ready now.
fuck.
Princess
at 11:49 AM
he took me to see harry potter.
Princess
at 11:26 AM
i like mascara.
two more hours= 24 hour fast.
i'm not even hungry.
cool.
Princess
at 10:54 AM
my boyfriend is sex.
hot, hot sex.
so much is happening so fast.
all i can say is that cody's home,
i want more abuse,
i can't stop eating but i think it's making me thinner,
and i'm happier than i've been in a long, long time.
oh yeah, and zach is going to be my second boyfriend.
please?
he treats me so well.
he said that's because i mean a lot to him.
precious.
speaking of precious.
cody saved all his money up
and is paying for harry potter tomorrow
(all but one dollar).
i couldn't be more excited.
i bought new shoes today.
they're pretty, and they make me tall.
err, normal.
i smell like smoke
and i need/want to shave my cunt.
maybe even my legs.
*gasp*.
love.
Princess
at 1:43 AM
fat.
fatfatfatfatfat.
heather noticed today i was thinner, yesterday hillary noticed, and the day before that monica's dad noticed.
but i still feel fat.
i wonder if cody will notice, seeing as how he hasn't seen me in a couple weeks.
probably not, since he barely notices i exist.
i think we're actually going to youth group tonight.
Princess
at 4:37 PM
i keep having these horrible scary dejavous
(spell?)
involving monica.
cody called me last night at 12.
i didn't really have anything to say to him.
but right as i got worked up into conversation,
he had to hang up.
typical.
i love how stupid my face is.
not.
i was thinking.
now that i've broken this barrier,
what is to come?
*wonder*..
i haven't cut in almost a week.
or had a tongue ring.
camel cigarettes smell like piss.
haylee and i rented monster last night.
it was so good.
christina ricci is fucking beautiful,
no matter how ugly they try to make her.
BEAUTIFUL.
just laying on haylee,
cuddling and holding her hand,
settled all the frustration and everything
i've been dealing with.
she's seriously like this awesome extension of me.
she and i hung out with her family yesterday
while they strummed out these beautiful country tunes
on their guitars/mandolin.
her mom has a gorgeous voice.
later on haylee asked me if i thought her mom's voice was really pretty,
or if she just thought that because her mom is.. her mom.
and i laughed in reply that
i feel like she's my mom, too.
it's good to know that hay feels the same way with my mom.
i'm fatter.
i hate myelf for it.
i haven't even gone to the Y in over a week.
ugh.
Princess
at 11:42 AM
yesterday kicked ass.
me, monica, zach, haylee.
hide and seek.
hot tub.
dancing.
pillow fights.
dairy queen.
cigarettes.
pictures.
Princess
at 1:40 PM
picture.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Princess
at 10:15 AM
cody gets home tomorrow.
i can't freaking wait.
this must be the first solid week that i haven't talked to him since.. we started talking again.
fuck.
stayed over at monica's last night
(from where i write this).
i ended up awake until maybe 5.30 this morning.
seizing.
i don't like pot.
do not.
Princess
at 8:56 AM
i love bridget jones's diary.
haylee told me the other day
or was it yesterday?
that ricci and jenn are convinced that i
"stole everything" from ricci.
yes, please,
i was just dying to find a using, vain, self-centered, demeaning
and whiny white-power bitch to base my personality on.
i hope she thinks i started cutting because of her,
too.
i'm glad that ricci and jenn are friends now.
after all, they're so goddamn similar.
and that way they can hate me
together.
there should be a club.
i seriously used to have a club,
back in my barbie days at BG,
of people who hated me.
fucking awesome.
i think it's due time for version twopointoh.
haylee used the word *hinder* yesterday.
why does she think she's so stupid?
in the shower,
i started thinking about what i was like when i met ricci,
and before that,
and after.
which made me think of cory,
obviously.
so i called him when i got out.
he said he quit smoking pot for his new job,
talked about how it was really difficult
and how the longest he's ever gone without it was five weeks.
but then he said no,
wait,
there was all that time when i was with you that i quit.
it was precious.
very precious,
knowing that he quit for me.
i must have been so much more lovable
when cory and i were together.
i was cute, quiet, intelligent, and only crazy behind closed doors.
is that what makes a person lovable?
and how does cody love me now that i'm
this insane raving bitch?
there's something terribly wrong with me.
i can't control my eating right now
at all.
can't stop.
it was only seventeen hours between meals today.
and i ate allllllll day yesterday.
and the day before.
what the fuck?
i hate not caring.
and i love lindsay, just so she knows.
Princess
at 12:40 PM
i hate it when people's proana sites are down.
it makes me want to shoot things.
in their dead line faces.
today my mom tried to tell me that the keychains in my car
looks like roach clips
and that if i got pulled over for anything
i would be arrested for drug paraphenalia.
my reply:
your face looks like a roach clip.
her haughty attempt at being offensive:
your mouth sounds like a garbage can.
Princess
at 2:28 PM
i am the worst possible thing that could have ever happened to my family.
this morning i tried to eat breakfast.
why am i such a moron?
it wasn't five minutes into pancakes and i already had people screaming at me.
because i fucking suck, that's why.
and it's like, the argument doesn't even have to be about me,
but as soon as people start screaming,
it is.
it's all about how horrible it is to have to deal with me,
and the same sarcastic mocking about how
"thanks so much for making our breakfast so pleasant."
i honestly don't understand why it's ok to hit me
but it's not ok for me to hit myself.
my mom does not understand the difference between hating yourself
and pitying yourself.
i cry often, mainly because i'm a horrible terrible person
and i hate everything about myself
and what i do to everyone else.
but she always goes into this "don't throw yourself a pity party"
shit.
i do not pity myself an ounce.
it's all my fucking fault,
because i ruin every household i walk into and
everyone's life who gets close to me.
fine.
i get it.
my fault.
Princess
at 10:57 AM
you know dwayne bronger?
brongermation?
yeah.
oh i didn't kinow that.
yeah.. huh uh.
uh huh.
cloverleaf is going to own toon town.
maaan.
roger.
yeah.
yeah.
(laughing)
coul;d be
did i tellll you last time i was in at seaster?
i said oh hi marsha but
she didn't sat anything she jut kept walking.
she looked awful, too.
nasty.
BUT I'M A TOON, TOONS ARE SPOSSED TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.
you could do this all day.
shh.
where's the phone hay?
right here.
throw it to me.
that was with myy left hand.
beep beep beep beep beeep beep beep beep.
silly wabbit.
i didn't come here to harrass, i came here to reward.
helllo is mike ere?
yeeep.
i was talkin to him, we got cut off, i tha maybe he was there.
aaah that splains it.
ai,bye.
eh, i see the rabbit.
(laugh)
he's right here in the bar.
(snort)
sayy hello.
(tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap)
it was even in that same beat.
taaaaaap tapt ap tap tap tap tap.
balloonies?
why are we doing this?
what are we doing with our lives?
oprah, come here.
OPRAH.
wagosi?
les go si.
siiiiii.
harlan.
tap tap tap tap tap.
tap tap[ tap tap tap.
roger, no.
tap tap tap tap tap...
tap trap tap tap tap tap..
TWO BITTTTTTSSSSSSSS!
right now, i feel loike dispensing some justice.
that's what's going on at haylee's.
we made a conscious list of 22 things she likes.
but that was all we could come up with.
nasal laughing.
it's good.
verrrrrr gut.
that's all for now.
Princess
at 6:03 PM
i am making a list of goals and how to acheive them.
ranging from money,
to covering up smoke in my car,
to losing twenty pounds,
to getting fabric,
to deciding what to do about school.
so there.
Princess
at 11:04 AM