*foiled.*

Friday, July 30, 2004
new pictures.

just remember this:
i am not YOURS,
YOU are MINE.

i really like my new pictures.
it's sort of hard getting used to
reminding myself that
that is me in those pictures, and that is me who looks like that, and i am not a huge hideous icky thing.
that is me, and i like that girl, and i like myself, and this is all very good.
big change from before.

i drove eric ballou home tonight.
he still lives in brookewood.
....he's still cute.
but don't tell anyone i said that.

also, i have the most enormous crush on rusty
still
and it's totally ridiculous.

chad is so good to me
(except when he says things he doesn't mean simply because he's in a bad mood, which happened a couple times tonight)
and earlier when i was getting off work
he called (at the perfect time as usual)
to ask if i wanted anything from steak n shake,
and when i said cheese fries
he REMEMBERED CHOCOLATE COKE!
also, he's just really presh all the time.

he said i can't have speed.

momma came to see me at work today.
it was by far the awesomest thing
that's happened all week.
by FAR.
she was so beautiful
and sweet
and everything as usual.
she said she'd come back but never did.
oh well.
she works tomorrow too, i'll definitely
go love her and such.
have i mentioned that i miss her?

we didn't get any coke.
it was a sad, sad evening.

i got cool PUNK ROCK tattoos
that go on your knuckles
at the fifty cent movie last night.
of course i had to wear them to work.
everyone was impressed.

my stomach is swollen.
why?

i'm trying to convince my mom that
brandon needs all kinds of stupid
hot topic shit
for back to school.
that way, i can take advantage of my
"pay 112 bucks for 250 bucks worth of stuff"
employee benefit going on right now.
unfortunately for me,
i don't have 112 dollars or the
desire for 250 dollars worth of stuff from hot topic.
i began to calculate, though,
that i do desire 142 dollars worth of stuff
plus a few other things not yet added.
and that brandon needs clothes that fit him anyway.
so i should pay half and my mom can pay half,
and we'll call it back to school shopping,
and it'll work.

today we plotted out porns.
it was fun.
and sort of likely!

a scary old fat guy
growl/purred
in my ear today at work.
he was seriously scary.
it was awful.
rusty said next time i should tell him
so he can break the legs of my advancer.
did i mention i have a really stupid crush on him?
(he has one on me too, how awesome.)
(he's taken though, that's why this crush is so stupid.)

i want to go see haylee tomorrow.
we tried today, she wasn't available.
SUCK.

tomorrow, actually, should go something like this:
*chad's haircut
*gas
*haylee's
*food
*work
*show
*party
because that's what sounds best right now.
of course, it'll probably be completely different.
whatever.

writing in this is a lot more fun now that no one really reads it.
YAY FREEDOM!
.....INDEPENDENCE RULES!

Princess at 1:19 AM
*****************

Wednesday, July 28, 2004
my heart is in your teeth baby and
it makes me wanna be near you always.

i woke up crying
hard
after dreaming about him all night long.
i wish that i was worth it.

Princess at 10:48 AM

*****************

i forgot to say that
i look really good in hoop earrings.
which chad can't wear,
because they're MY THING.

and that my pink lava lamp is the coolest,
and it kicks the ass of every other lamp ever in existence.

and that i think i've relapsed in the worst way possible.

Princess at 1:25 AM

*****************

Monday, July 26, 2004
DIE DIE DIE EVIL BITCH.

ok, thank you.

Princess at 12:55 PM

*****************

Saturday, July 24, 2004
he didn't call at two.
he didn't call at three.
he never came.
i didn't cry.

CHAD called me, though,
as usual.
except that he called at eight in the morning
and woke my ass up
asking me to come over.
and i did, after some hesitation.
totally awesome.

then i came home and slept until four.
well, first i talked to stupidface.

i am so unlovable.

it kind of sucks that i'm sort of stupid now.
but i don't really care, really.

i'm going to go pick up xtian.
he's too cool for school.

Fu9: this girl called me just now, and wanted me to hang out.
Fu9: so i called my friend and was like "who is jodie?"
Fu9: and he was like "you don't remember? she's that 26 year old chick you were making out with in the pool."

DAVE IS THE MANNNNN!

Princess at 5:27 PM

*****************

Friday, July 23, 2004
warped tour.

it was hella hot,
like disgustingly,
and all the bands were AWFUL.
and my clothes were falling off, which is never fun.
but at least the fake tickets worked,
because getting in free was cool.
anyway, we left at like 5.
nofx would have been fun and all, but
there's no way it would have been worth it.

i ate four pieces of pizza.

chad again.

am i just doing this because i'm sad,
and how long will it last?

i can only sleep for four hours at a time.

work tomorrow noon to five.
AND i go to nirvana to get my check.
stupid nirvanians.

ggglittersoresss: she's always saying how it's ok for her to tell me i'm a horrible person because i need to hear it,
ggglittersoresss: so i think it's fair ground for me to say i'm kicking her ass because she needs it.

i don't even know, i'm so out of it.

Princess at 12:00 AM

*****************

Thursday, July 22, 2004
the ambien now only works for four hours.
i only sleep four hours a night.
i woke up at 7.30.
i sort of want to shoot myself in the face.

Princess at 8:07 AM

*****************

i keep feeling like i'm holding something in my lap
but nothing is there.

anyway, IT WAS A SCAMMMM!!!
SCANDALOUS!!!!!!!!
fucking bitches.
they just thought it would be fun to hurt my feelings.
good thing i don't fight.

ammmmmbien.

also, now that i moved this location,
i can uncensor it.
THE GIRL HAS GONE WILD!

for my first hiddenblog risque topic,
i choose

i can't think of anything.

i am sleeping with chad though.
or have slept, or whatever.

that's all i needed to get off my chest, i guess.
i'll be editing this out tomorrow.
night.

Princess at 2:31 AM

*****************

cooma chad: that two-timing cunt

we're going to warped tour tomorrow.
me on a counterfiet ticket.

besides the temporary ten minutes of moron mallrat drama,
work was awesome.
i had FUN
and people were UNDERSTANDING and NICE
and i'm excited for my shift on friday.

also, they played kittie's first cd during my shift.
it could not have been more perfect.
our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
some higher power played that for me today
so that i'd have stability in something.

chad came over
and now i'm totally fine.
it's stupid to dwell on shallow-minded liars that are not my friends
when i have so many good people
who love me and care about me.
you guys are awesome.

jordan made me feel SO MUCH BETTER
after heather left,
because i burst into tears immediately
and she like ran up and said something about how that was really wrong of them
and that it's ok and stuff,
and then scotto walked over and looked worried
and said if i need i break i could take one
and asked if i wanted to go in the backroom.
so i went back there,
and he came back and i thorougly apologized
that my first day i was already fussing,
but he reiterated that he wasn't mad and it was ok and he understands and i could go home if i wanted.
they were so sweet.

anyway, i didn't want to.
i wasn't going to let pettiness interfere with things that really matter,
like my job
and my happiness.

i'm the shortest employee.
bar none.

monica is seriously adorable.
and out of nowhere, she said
sillypicklegirl: you ahve a very strong personality.
the awesome thing about us is that we never have any drama.
ever.
at all.

i'm a helpless valley girl.
my english is beyond repair.

so this is really sad but true.
ever since i did that dust off,
i've been a lot stupider.
well, not necessarily stupid,
but my ADD has gotten so bad that it's almost intolerable.
the welbutrin is going to help though,
i'm convinced.

chad and i had taco bell for lunch,
and last night i ate spaghetti.
i have to keep reminding myself to eat or it doesn't happen.

now i have to think about what to wear tomorrow.
i didn't even want to go to stupid warped tour,
but chad and i are going to have a total blast anyway.
just because we're that awesome.

and runnin runnin and runnin runnin.

daisy chainsaw makes my life beautiful.

chad called me drunk last night,
sort of crying i think,
and i was way worried.
some shady ghetto bitches beat his ass completely.
horribleterribleawful.
i wanted to be there for him so bad, but i was grounded.

after we hung up,
i took the liberty of making my bed.
HELLO KITTY STYLEEE!!!!
it looks SO GOOD
and slept SO WELL.
my mom even bought me an extra pillow that's just her face.

i just need the mantra.
do i have a mantra?
i'm making one.

my bronchitis still isn't gone.
my groundedness is.
haylee's groundedness is next on the checklist.

feelings are dumb.

when i went over this morning to check him out,
he was all laying in bed and there was blood all over his ear and he jsut looked so sad.
i'm not much of a consulation.
poor thing.
this was some kind of 213mafia problem
so everyone else went in to instigate
and i don't know.
there aer huge lines of blood and splatters of them all over justin's car.
justin's face is totally fucked up, too.
it's tense.

mmsprite.

Princess at 12:17 AM

*****************

Wednesday, July 21, 2004
i hate liars.
i hate drama.
i hate girls.
i hate cody.
i hate heather.
and i hatehatehatehate bobbi's stupid ugly face,
because she is flat out the most awful living thing on the entire planet.

take him back you fugly bitch.
you deserve eachother.

he's a lying sack of shit.

Princess at 11:03 PM

*****************

Tuesday, July 20, 2004
i have got to get
crushed ice in my house somehow.
IT'S JUST SO GOOD!

i bought chad a wicked bad bob dylan shirt yesterday
with my last day of employee discount.
it looks wicked bad on him, people.
because he is wicked bad.

i found sparkling cherry water in my fridge.
it's not even that disgusting!

rearranging your room by yourself
when you're not really big enough to move the furniture
is not good.
but i managed it.
and it looks almost as good as crushed ice is,
on the scale of goodness that is.

party at alyssa's
and i'm grounded.
fucking fuck.

i forgot to eat all day again today.

that goddamn toadies song will not get out of my head
for fucking anything.
GET OUT DAMMIT!
it was so bad yesterday
that i made a cd with just that song on it
and have not stopped playing it since.
what's sad is that this is
kind of characteristic of me.

fuck me.
now.

i hope cody's not mad at me
for giving his mom information about where he may be.
but if he is, oh well.
(i am so a cold black hearted bitch. and i love it.)

i bought black bow-toed high heels
and a pink sweater
and some other cute preppy clothes
at target today with my mom.
hello kitty sheets/comforter/pillow, too.
good stuff.

perry called today
and said i could take a couple classes.
things will be further decided in the next couple weeks.
awesome.

I AM ALONE IN MY HOUSE WITH NOTHING TO DO
AND I'M GROUNDED
AND IT'S AWFUL.

haylee is fine.
i called her earlier.
i'm allowed to go over there for short periods of time.
once suicide watch is over, everything will be better.

i'm going to go lay
in my clean new room.

Princess at 8:17 PM

*****************

I HATE HER AND I HOPE SHE FUCKING DROPS DEAD RIGHT THIS SECOND.

Princess at 7:21 PM

*****************

"you said i'd be blue
if i fell in love with you.
(fuck your fans)."

chad called me last night
late
because my away message said i was freaking out.
indeed, i was.
ambien is not good. at all.
it makes me more than a little bit crazy.
anyway,
that was totally the sweetest thing ever.

i'm still really sick.
OH YEAH I NEED TO TAKE MY WELBUTRIN!!
i so just remembered that.
how awesome.

fuck and ride.
i could fuck and ride.

your friend, however, has made me like, hospital-worthy.

HEY HAYLEE!
I MISS YOU!

(guess who else i miss.)

i have a new life now,
kinda.
hm.

Princess at 12:50 PM

*****************

Monday, July 19, 2004
make up your mind
decide to walk with me
around the lake tonight
around the lake tonight
by my side.
by my side.

i'm not gonna lie
i'll not be a gentleman
behind the boathouse
i'll show you my dark secret.

i'm not gonna lie
i want you for my
my blushing bride
my lover, be my lover yeah.

don't be afraid
i didn't mean to scare you
so help me jesus.

i can promise you
you will stay as beautiful
with dark hair
and soft skin
forever.
forever.

make up your mind
make up your mind
and i promise you
i will treat you well
my sweet angel
so help me, jesus.

yeah
give it up to me
give it up to me
do you wanna be my angel?
give it up to me
give it up to me
do you wanna be my angel?
give it up to me
give it up to me
do you wanna be my angel?

so, help me.

be my angel.
be my angel.
be my angel.

do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die?
do you wanna die???

well i promise you
i will treat you well, my sweet angel
so help me jesus.
jesus, jesus, jesus.

Princess at 11:31 PM

*****************

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LIKE THIS OVER YOU,
YOU FUCKING FUCK.
why am i letting you do this to me?
this has got to stop.
nownownow.
QUIT MAKING ME SO MISERABLE.

i am grounded until tomorrow.
then we talk about my punishment.
hopefully.

for like a whole five minutes,
i wanted to die again.
how stupid.

Princess at 10:29 PM

*****************

I AM SO NOT OVER IT,
I AM JUST PRETENDING TO TRY AND CONVINCE MYSELF.
and it works pretty well when i refuse to think,
but that only lasts so long.

drop dead gorgeous?
that's a no.

there were police officers at my car.
they were after me or something?
how we managed to arrive in the nick of time
confuses me complete.

"uh, yeah, this is justin
and uh, this is my girlfriend."

more bruises.

i can't bring myself to eat.
i don't understand how i could already be this sick again.
sorry if you're sick too,
but you should've cared?

hot topic is such a weird place,
but i think i'll do really well.
the meeting was actually a lot of fun.
and i'll totally get paid for the entire slumber party.

please come back.
please.

i'm starting to think my depression is actually alot worse than i'm acting like it is.
but that's fine,
denial is good.
i just need to stay happy/busy/stoned.

my best buddy, she's you.

i saw haylee today.
she's so the greatest ever.
it sucks that everything is the way it is with her,
but i've decided she's going to come out fine.
we watched videos from the fourth of july
with shots of the fireworks
and the drama
and chad standing behind me
(because there were people behind me and i was in a miniskirt, right?)
and haylee and nick laughing.
i took a totally beautiful pic
of haylee
that's yellow and blurry and awesome.

and soft skin.

i should take my ambien and go to bed before
i begin questioning existence or some shit.

Princess at 4:28 AM

*****************

sublime.

what am i writing?
nothing, censor all of it.
it doesn't fucking matter, chad.

phil's birthday is august second,
and his favorite cookies are oatmeal rasin.
i couldn't remember how to spell that.
hah.

work:
nirvana- tomorrow 4-9.
hot topic- wednesday 7-10.
friday noon-5.

i hope you slap me in public.

the secret.
OUR secret.
NO ONE WILL SUSPECT ANYTHING!!!
even though they already saw it coming.
wahte4ver.

fuck me?

i can't believe i'm doing this.

Princess at 3:01 AM

*****************

Sunday, July 18, 2004
oh yeah, i forgot,
BURNING PASSION.

also, i fucked up the quote.
it's like chuck e cheese FOR SIXTEEN YEAR OLDS.

oh, sex.

Princess at 4:26 PM

*****************

maybe tomorrow i'll wake up and regret this.
but probably not, because it was so awesome.

ultraviolet is like chuck e cheese.

i ordered pizza hut by myself
and couldn't eat a fourth of it.
haha.

i need to get my hair cut.

this blog is so worthless.
sucks for anyone who reads it.

i talked to haylo
a bunch
and i'm really worried about her.
everyone is doing what they think is best,
but it's not what she needs at all and it kills me.
she has to take a break from her friends for awhile.
;akdfja;oid.

i hope you know that
he was so much better than you.

coke is so good.
even when it's not cold.
but it's way better when it is cold.

tori and i are becoming friends.
we have lots of stupid fun.
like cleaning bathrooms.

cody never even called my phone.
i bet he had lots of fun today.
but not as much as i did.
so there.
so THERE.
SO TTTTHHHHEEERRREEEE!

my life is so good.
i decided.

hillary looked really surprised when i was walking into haylee's the other day
and said
"how much are you going to lose?!",
and today jerry said
"i can't believe how much weight you've lost. i know you paid the price, but you look great."
it was cool.

i discovered a sublime mix on my floor.
it made my morning.

i started taking my welbutrin this morning.
woo!
i am getting so much better its surprises me.

my scars are totally disgusting and
i'm getting rid of them.
they're AWFULAWFULAWFUL
and if i have to look at that goddamn UGLY one more time
i think i'm going to cry.
today at the reunion someone asked me what happened to my legs.
i don't ever have an answer to that question.
i hate being so mutilated, it makes me feel like such a freak.
thing is, i can't imagine
wanting to do it now.
so i think i'm ready to try and start scar therapy on my arms and chest and stuff.
i'm done hurting myself.
period.

i've only eaten twice in the past few days,
i don't understand why.
food has just sounded so terrible.
i'm sure it has everything to do with being sick.
might as well take advantage of it?
i don't know how much skinnier i want to be.

Princess at 1:37 AM

*****************

haylee's not allowed to read this.
i'm a bad influence or something.

chad, again, is the awesomest.

i had a seriously great night.

Princess at 12:23 AM

*****************

Saturday, July 17, 2004
exchange of confessions?
i feel so special.

it was such an awesome night.

and all i could think was,
my car is so the wrong place for this.
can we please move somewhere else?
but i had to go home.

suck.

Im NotOk 1Eight7: :-)your soooo beautiful tyler
ggglittersoresss: *blush* you are sooooooooo flattering me.
Im NotOk 1Eight7: haha youdeserve it

that was cute.

my throat hurts really bad.
it would SUCK to already be sick again.

oh yeah,
I GOT THE JOB AT HOT TOPIC.
how cool.
they'll be so much nicer to me there.

i haven't eaten since yesterday.
sort of because i wouldn't let myself buy food,
sort of because i forgot,
sort of because it sounds awful today.
either way, it's not good and i should seriously eat something.

my ears are ringing REALLY bad.

cory camacho showed up at my work today,
it was awesome.
he's such a fucking doll,
and i've missed him awfully.
he's got a girlfriend and everything and he looks awesome.
because he is awesome, of course.
i told him to call me.

once again,
i love being blonde.

Princess at 12:37 AM

*****************

Friday, July 16, 2004
i just got my eyebrows threaded.
easily the worst experience of my entire life.

Princess at 6:57 PM

*****************

ps- i should totally go on an independent woman power trip.

Princess at 1:49 AM

*****************

whatever, i'm cute and will continue to be.

even newer and improved blogger set up.
i hate it so badly.

buying food is something i need to stop RIGHT NOW.

kissing is something that should happen more in my life.
a lot more.
everyone should make out with me at every opportunity.
starting now.

i'm so worried about haylee.
just because her life is going to suck so awfully now
and i know this from experience.
i'm not really sure what to do for her either,
which totally sucks.
adicccccccoaineo;ixjlekjrax.see.

today i figured out what i'm doing for momma's birthday.
now i have to finish figuring out monica and haylee.
god, i can't believe that's so close.
i don't want it to be.

chad and i saw anchorman earlier.
it was seriously a terrible and stupid movie,
but i had so much fun.
SO.

rusty coming in to see me at work is the coolest.
he is so precious.
i should go on dates with rusty, that would totally rock.
why don't i date people that i know i should be dating?
like josh.
a;sodiicid it has everything to do with cody who is never here to take me on dates.
that is so stupid of me.
i am convincing myself starting now to not sit around and be miserable over cody anymore.
at all.

i should see monica.

it's time to shave my legs.
woooo for shaving!

Princess at 1:39 AM

*****************

Thursday, July 15, 2004
a gentle winter when
it's dark inside without my groaning curves, i'm sure.
i exfoliated the valleys
with jasmine sighs and tired "honey"s, i thought
you'd like to know.
no it's not raining
just because water is falling out of the sky;
a promise made to match all the others
tastefully fabricated.
kudos to you,
my knees are scraped.
Princess at 1:16 AM

*****************

i just want to say that beer is not awesome.
Princess at 1:14 AM

*****************

i wrote another weird work editorial earlier but i'm not posting it right now.

drove rupaul home from work today.
she lives behind value city.
then it was off to nate's.
daniel shinkel hit on me.

work from 11-6 for the next two days.
cody has an interview tomorrow.
sometimes i hate his stupid guts.
but most the time i love him.

i got my report card today.
mom said it's ok, i don't have to finish the year
because truthfully i did way more than a year's worth of schoolwork anyway.
math-96.
bible-96.
language-97.
science-97.
history-97.
art-100.
drama-100.

not bad.

i want to get my eyebrows done
and my hair done
and buy shaving cream
and wear pink lipstick.
because i'm so barbie and cute.

guys who are gross or creepy should not be able to know i exist.

i have to go eat.
Princess at 12:37 AM

*****************

Wednesday, July 14, 2004
i like being called honey.
it happened to me three times today.
though one honey-spouter in particular, i admit, is most appreciated.
he reminds me of why i like my dad,
and has actually unknowingly convinced me to wisconsin.
my dad the mechanic who would be awesome to have around.
once, i said that he doesn't deserve me.
maybe he does.

anyway.
ambien is so weird, weirdweirdweird.
Princess at 1:36 AM

*****************

(written at work again.)

i wear a size 4 in pants.

tomorrow is the interview
at hot topic.
i don't think i'm going to take the job.
because i'll get no hours.
which might be worse than full-time.

family reunion saturday.
i think i have to work.
oops?

took a few giant 20.gallon trash bags
to goodwill.
goodbye, half my wardrobe.
it's time to move on.

my inner thighs are horribly bruised.
thanks, cody's hipbones.
is it stupid that i miss him?
yes.

someone just recognized me as claire's friend.
cute claire who thinks i'm a megababe.
more people should think that.
more girls should like me.

i made my brother try on
girls pants
at plato's closet today.
total hilarity.
of course, i was browsing with him
whereupon i discovered my pant size.
so weird.

i only have a little more to go
before "perfection."
of course, that meant eating a healthy
brownie
for breakfast/lunch today.
wonderful.

can i have brittany now?
please?
****

on to current events.

chad and i went to see envy at the fifty cent movie.
awesome.
we also had to push start his car like fifty times.
not so awesome.
he called me honey.

he picked up reading the blog again.
it's every bit as pathetic as he anticipated.
i'm so predictable.

cody is the stupidest stupid ever.
next to working.
which sucks out all of my time and is totally on my nerves.

i hate pop ups.
Princess at 12:44 AM

*****************

Sunday, July 11, 2004
"tyler, just admit that you're drop dead gorgeous right now
or i'm going to leave."

sarcasm?
Princess at 11:25 PM

*****************

things i need to do this week:
*finish and reorganize the room.
*get hair cut.
*deposit check and pull out sixty more dollars to shop.
*shop for room and clothes.
*separate things to go to plato's and goodwill.
*drop off stuff at plato's/goodwill.
*scrub my room.
*buy bath and body works shampoo.
*figure out what next year is going to be.

we got lost on the way to the jewel concert.
oh well.
Princess at 10:54 PM

*****************

my boobs have gotten smaller.
Princess at 12:36 PM

*****************

Saturday, July 10, 2004
(written earlier today at work.)

noon.oh.six.
two hours to cody.
or at least until i'm headed that way.
or something.

i stayed up most the night
getting beautiful for him.
facials, shaving, exfoliation, manicures, cream, etcetc.
the plan, of course,
is to have him over and remind him why he loves me.
and we all know that can't be accomplished
ugly.

i opened a bank account
yesterday.
the bank wil be closed before i get off today,
but i need to go in
and deposit check #2.
i calculated that if i save 3/4 of what i make
until i move out,
i'll be able to pay rent for two years
with the savings.
it feel so close.

i think i hate the term "technically single."

time seems to
make me less important
to everything/one.
this is difficult to swallow with an optimistic throat.
but the pessimist in me
has chewed on it for awhile.

i really am getting better.

the next step is remembering
to start my welbutrin.
having no memory is not good.

nothing gets accomplished as efficiently as i want.
**

(begins new entry)
**

he's at a cookout,
or a family thing,
or something that isn't me.
so i hate it.

there are really so many other things i could do with my time
but don't want to
becuase those things aren't him.
that's really stupid of me, and inefficient, and stupid,
but whatever.

shopping makes me a happy person.
i bought tons of cute new things yesterday
to be worn today.
i treat this like it's so much more important than it is.

last night chad jokingly (or so i hope?)
said to derek that
the reason he hangs out with me is because
every morning he can think hey, i'm not as fucked up as that person.
it hurt.
because i'm getting better, that's why.

i need more sleep.
and new shoes.
more new shoes.
and cody.

i matter to everyone who doesn't matter,
and am nothing to everyone who is everything.
stupid.
Princess at 3:01 PM

*****************

Friday, July 09, 2004
over.
but not over.

i think i'm going to change this fucking address again.

i feel so awful.

i want cody.

this is a totally stupid post.

i'm going to go shave my legs.
Princess at 1:18 PM

*****************

Thursday, July 08, 2004
one pink chuck to perfection
when what's really on my mind
is you.
a tiskit, a tasket,
whatthefuckever.
low points sink lower,
so all i can ask is that you let me get high.
it's mere logic
or mirror logic,
but when i reflect all i see is
your disapproval.
"tough beans, buddy...
i'll buy my own whiskey
AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"

(from last week.)
*

cody told me tonight about how
when he last talked to bobbi she tried to explain what happened between the two of us.
basically, she misinterperited a post from
the lj
that was written on a day when one girl
without a previous history of bulimia asked me to go vomiting with her for her first time
and
another girl declared to me that she was going to start fasting.
of course,
i discussed calmly with both of them why it was the stupidest thing ever
(keep in mind that they both watched me go to the hospital)
and went on to vent out the frustration in the lj,
about how upset i was
and how it felt like people were picking up my EDs
(similar to how people started cutting after i did and went back to blame me, basically implying that they caught it from me).

well.
ms. self centered herself
read it as directed to her, though i knew her own eating struggles to be real,
and went on to write some ridiculously rude comment to me
that read something like
THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU SO GET OVER IT,
etcetcetc.
because she assumed my world was revolving around her?
anyway, i've written the rest in here.

i was just really surprised to find out that
she had the balls to call me self-centered
when that entry wasn't even about HER.

in other, more important news,
my mom bought me gatorade and lemon sorbet and
FLOWERS
at kroger today.
she's the best mommy ever.
and i love her.

someone in the hospital told me the other night
that i look like her,
and when i thanked her she got excited
because apparently most kids don't appreciate that comment.
but my mommy is beautiful.
i hope i can be every bit as gorgeous as her someday.

cody and i had lots of
normal conversation
today.
thank god almighty.

i have an interview at hot topic tomorrow at 2.

and my ambien is about to kick in, so i better get downstairs before i can't walk anymore.
Princess at 1:45 AM

*****************

Wednesday, July 07, 2004
didn't go to work today again.
too sick.

chad showed up in my living room last night as i was about to call him.
he's ok.
it was so good to have him over.

eric guindon stole my fucking ambien,
that douchebagsonofabitch.
i'm seriously so upset.

cody and i talked more today.
i'm so determined everything will be good.

the fam is at the haddix's and
THE BUCKS
are there, but i'm too sick to leave.
so i cried for like, ever
over it.
i miss them so hard.

more of the wavy migraine.
i need to take a bath.
Princess at 6:50 PM

*****************

Tuesday, July 06, 2004
someone slashed my tires.
at the mall.
while i was working, you know, sick out of my mind and trying to take responsibility off my mom. anyway,
IF IT'S YOU, AND YOU'RE READING THIS, THERE ARE MALL SECURITY CAMERAS SO YOU SHOULD REALLY COME FORTH AND TELL ME BEFORE YOU GET ARRESTED YOU SON OF A BITCH.
thanks.

i called cory crying this afternoon
in a ridiculous amount of pain,
and he came over to watch big fish and make grilled cheese with me.
then he helped me fix the pan i ruined making grilled cheese. well, kinda.

he still loves me.

my migraine is completely awful.
i'm throwing up the vicodin.
someone please shoot me.

the sweetest thing of today was that..
well, my favorite quote ever that i wanted my senior quote to be was
"i'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy."
and today, in all my stupid migraineness
(which got a lot worse after he was here a bit since my mom had to go get more meds),
i asked cory if he could please just give me a little lobotomy,
and he quoted my quote to me.
he remembered.
and it was sweet.
i've totally missed having someone be good to me no matter what,
not just good to me sometimes,
or when it's convenient.
more than someone, i've missed cory.
so, yay for him.

i'm worried about chad and brittany,
chad since i don't know his whereabouts
and brittany since.. well, yeah.
only i shouldn't be worried about chad,
because he can totally handle this.
not that brittany can't, but i'm scared for her.
i need to stop thinking about this until i'm better.

i overheard kris telling annie earlier that she NEEDS to see nightmare before christmas, it's so great.
this was over a bottle of fufuberry jones.
he's SO my baby.

well, sitting up is getting difficult and i'm going to throw up again,
so now would be a good time to lay back down and watch nightmare before christmas myself.
night, again.

ps big fish is the best movie i've seen in a long-ass time.
Princess at 7:38 PM

*****************

just got home from the hospital.
fluid, testing, needles, ivs, a ridiculously uncomfortable bed or body, aqua teen hunger force twice, bandaids, tubes, dehydration, whatever.
i really don't like being sick.

it gave my mom and i a lot of time to just talk though,
which we've both needed but
seeing as how i decided to get both
a life and a job
at the same time, we haven't gotten any
talking done lately.

i look really scary.
not the skinny, yellow, stringy kind like before spring break,
but like this swollen violet eyelid blotchy skin drugged out zombie scary.

and i told my mom i want to be a colorist or whatever.
she was way more cool about it than i expected.
i think she always pushed for me to be interested in something more professional because i had potential
but knew i was too freespirited,
so i'm glad she's being accepting of the fact that i basically told her i'm going to pick like eighty fields of work and do them all for short periods of time
instead of pretending like she didn't know better.

they gave me vicodin.

and for the record, or on the record,
i don't have unprotected sex.

but i do have a hospital bracelet.

Princess at 4:09 AM

*****************

Monday, July 05, 2004
what am i to do with all this silence?

i have to go back to the hospital so they can decide whether or not to admit me.
if not, i work nine hours tomorrow.

cody came to see me today,
but briefly and no word since.
he said he'd call,
but i'll be gone without a phone soon.

i'm worried for brittany.
i miss her already.

INDEPENDENCE RULES!
chad's so cool.

i hit a curb today and totally broke my car.
but i'm too sick to care.
at all.
there are holes in my tires
and the car was actually smoking.

xtian is sorry for calling me drunk the other night.
cody is not.

i'm dripping sweat.
gross.

also, i think cody's dad doesn't like me.
and
A Cuuunt Says: what happened with you and cody.... and why does that piss me off?
ggglittersoresss: uh, what?
A Cuuunt Says: didnt you guys like "break up"
ggglittersoresss: no.
ggglittersoresss: who told you that?
A Cuuunt Says: i heard that from like 10 people..... :-\ WTF!
A Cuuunt Says: lol
ggglittersoresss: yeah, everyone thinks it's their business but no one knows what's going on.
A Cuuunt Says: i know, but you wanna know something else fucked up i heard?
A Cuuunt Says: i heard "he talking to bobbi now"

hm.
Princess at 9:21 PM

*****************

"goodnight, little baby stella."

i have a urinary tract infection.
it's horribly painful.
i should probably go to the hospital.

being blonde is awesome.

let me reiterate how miserable i am as of right now.

i think i'm calling in sick at work again.
the idea of standing for five hours is a little ridiculous.

chad, haylo, nick, and i went
to see the fireworks downtown last night.
we watched from the top of a parking garage,
and they were so close.
it was totally awesome.
and beautiful.
and even though i felt like dirt, i felt a little better after watching them.

cody seems so far away.
i mean, physically yeah,
he's probably in danville or whatever right now.
but just..
he seems so far away from me.
i sitll can't believe he totally ruined our saturday
that we had planned and it was this big deal..
he must really not care about me anymore.
and that sucks.
a lot.

my stomach is swollen really bad.

also, if your name is not
haylee
brittany
lindsay
josh
or one of the other select few people i personally gave this new address to,
i would like to politely ask you to
get the fuck off my journal,
you fucking creep.

icky.
Princess at 12:23 PM

*****************

Saturday, July 03, 2004
another great chad quote from last night after cody's drunk ass called me:

"sounds like cody's got a case of what i like to call gribbleitis.
gribbleitis is when you're just basically a worthless son of a bitch."

thank you, chad, for fixing a night that otherwise could've
ended terribly.

cody drunk dials a lot,
even when i obv iously dont want to talk to him
because he ruined my day/ treated me like shit.
also, we may be breaking up, even though we just worked everything out.
or so i thought?
whatever.

we faked out the pizza guy andn got free pizza lasdt night.
it was awesome, i got to eat.

i'm hanging out ihn my underwear.
there are definitely peo9ple here.
oops.

cody kept accusing me of...
i don't even know, he just kept usig the phrase
"YOUR BOYFRIEND CHAD"
really angrily.
which was totally stupid,
if he has issues with our relationship
there's no reason to bring chad into it.
stupid.

i love this boy so much,
i can't believe i let him treat me this way.
Princess at 1:04 AM

*****************

Friday, July 02, 2004
my heart is beating too fast.
it's making me scared.
and sicker.

why hasn't he called yet?
maybe because i suck at life and no one loves me.
probably.
Princess at 12:08 AM

*****************

FUCK YOUR FUCKING FUCK.
Princess at 12:03 AM

*****************

Thursday, July 01, 2004
"pot makes you fat.
when WAS the last time you weighed yourself?"
so much for him making me feel beautiful.

i hate myself.
and everything else.
this should be over.
now.
tomorrow.
no, not until i can give him his birthday present.
he treats me like total shit all day,
but i busted my ass to make sure that i could get him what i so desperately wanted to get him.
i didn't even get an "iloveyou" today.
or a kiss.
which was really what i wanted anyway.
i hope you're satisfied, because i know you wanted me this miserable.
now you have it, and him.. i just. just.

also, i relapsed.
but didn't get to finish.
because i never get to be fulfilled.

i don't want to talk to my mom,
or go to work tomorrow,
or bake him brownies and make him a mix cd and finish his pillow and cry the whole time because i know he'd never do anything thoughtful for me, or even something nice that was thoughtless.
all i want is to take a lot of something that will put me to sleep
and never get back up,
or cry in his arms back when he actually cared about me.
and when i actually cared about anything other than making him happy,
which i never do.

and i really wanted to see chad.
because he would be nice to me, and get me an ice cream cone, and listen just long enough and then we could laugh.
he's at the van halen concert though, and i missed his call today because cody took off with my phone.

steven is so good to me.
not many people are.

this probably sounds really stupid.
i do'nt even care.
at all.

i just want to die.
can we fast forward a few weeks so i'm not ruining his fucking birthday?
Princess at 10:24 PM

*****************