today my anxiety was so bad
that i couldn't see
at several points of the day,
or i just completely disassociated
and now cannot recollect entire chunks of time.
this would the excusable sort of thing for me
were i on drugs,
but i'm not doing them anymore
so i get to deal with the painful knowledge
that i am truly just that fucked up.
which really sucks.
and i feel like i'm never going to be
worth anything
because of it, which only fuels it.
but chad made everything better
again
just uh.. driving me home and kissing me
and not sucking, i guess.
i think think think
something i can't say aloud;
so bad that i can't even admit to myself.
but tomorrow,
i'm going to delete this thought from my brain
once and for all,
and it will be wrongwrongwrong.
i hope.
haylee's birthday was yesterday.
i got my dates mixed up and
am the worst friend ever.
by far.
ever.
i wish that i were with my friends right now,
and not trying to be a good person instead.
Princess at 3:15 PM
mm
chad.
nothing else is important
except that julie is here
and that always makes my house seem
more comfortable, i guess.
and that i went to chili's with
chad and necia
and it was actually fun.
i realized today that
everything happened between us so fast
and i didn't even freak out.
this is the first time that has ever happened to me,
and i think that is a really good sign.
i just backspaced a paragraph.
nothing is important anyway,
like i said,
because i love him and he loves me and everything else can die.
Princess
at 10:27 PM
every person i ever love
is going to resent me
in some way
for resenting myself.
this is the worst catch 22
i could ever have
involved myself in.
i want it to stop.
but people in hell
want ice water, right?
Princess
at 12:01 PM
i only wanted to love myself.
but instead,
i ended up loving you.
this weekend has been
more eventful than
i wished for it to be.
and in my utter, swallowing loneliness
my only consolation
is knowing that
he promised everything would be alright.
this includes me.
so anxiety,
you can suck a cock
because i'm not going to die
and i'm not as awful as i think
or as my parents or my family thinks
or as those awful girls think
or as low as he began to think.
my world will not
crash down again.
i am a unique and beautiful snowflake.
morbid and cold and individual and crystalized.
and that's ok.
there are things i want to quit,
and things i am going to let myself be proud of
for quitting.
even if no one else is
and i'm not allowed to talk about it.
i have
thirteen months left
here.
this is a particularly important countdown.
i drove home in silence,
an instance so unusual
that the last time it happened was february.
when i was telling myself all the same things
except that
there was a different person behind me.
this scares me immensely.
not just that,
but the fact that i was not and still am not standing behind me.
he wants me to take care of myself,
and not in the sense on being independent,
but to not NOT take care of myself.
i wish that it were so simple.
and in a sense,
it is.
but if i knew the steps to erasing my old steps
or had any idea where to go from here
or any real reassurance that it's actually possible
to stop what is going on in my brain,
i would be rid of this by now.
by forever ago.
ten years.
ten sixteenths-
five eighths-
of my life has been completely sucked out of me
because i just can't and couldn't
enjoy it.
if i had any idea how to not
devote ten more sixteenths
(or even this coming sixteenths)
to it,
i would have taken action.
i would take action.
it's this perpetual analyzation
and knowing how to pinpoint the problem
but not the answer,
i think,
that is the real problem.
aside from the bitter loneliness
that for some reason can only be cured
by one person at a time.
but it works.
and it's the only thing that works.
not a real cure,
or a whole cure,
but on the surface and in many depths of the blackness no one else knows exists
i can feel
happy or soothed or normal
or whatever it is that i'm seeking so desperately.
chad does this for me.
without knowing
or should i say realizing
what is actually happening,
not that that's important.
because it isn't.
currently,
the only thing of importance is him
and me being able to be happy with him.
and most the time,
all this requires is simply him being in the same room with me
so i can exist in this celestial comfort
of just glancing at his
tall, handsome, brown-ness
that i love so much.
at this point,
i'm almost banging my head on the keyboard
for the point
lessness
of having typed all this out,
but since i speak my real feelings to no one
and refuse to let myself think about them,
this is extremely essential.
****
i can't eat.
i can't sleep.
i can't hold a conversation.
i can,
however,
swallow a pill and wait for tomorrow.
he'll be here then.
and i will be fine.
goodnight.
Princess
at 9:46 PM
there is no escape from my mind,
no piece
or peace
or increduclous comfort from
it, not in anything.
given too long inside it
with no distraction
i will rot
one cell at a time,
in this cell everlasting.
Princess
at 8:56 PM
i do not need a schedule,
for my mind preoccupies
any opening or even close
i may have.
i just needed to establish that.
***
timeframes are gaping
and matted wooden,
thick and sometimes
hanging out of order.
the pictures inside-
mainly motion
and glassy
with holes worn from age-
are not always
or actually very often accurate
except in memory
not distorted.
seconds run their fingers
along the top ledges,
collecting dust
and retracing figures.
mine hang crooked
and oblong on
a chipped dry wall.
they impress no one,
only serving to depress
any other i might make.
my pictures, they fade in
the sunlight.
time does not love me
or my miscoloring.
***
"the american has got to destroy.
it is his destiny."
***
a whining violin
off-camera
cried
once while i was sleeping,
"you do not love him!"
and of course,
i ignored
to pick up
a pen and declare
"he's the best thing
that ever happened."
***
writing well is something
that i seem to have lost
with my mind.
this is painful,
dragging,
and pointless.
"dying is an art.
i do it extremely well."
"i was dead.
but i rose again like lazarus,
lady lazarus."
Princess
at 7:25 PM
brandon is talking to himself in the next room.
heather is trying to prove to me why i'm a bad person.
chad is asleep and in a mood that makes me feel really awkward.
i'm pmsing so bad,
it's awful.
i feel like death or dying or both.
i feel like such a bad person,
even though i know i'm not.
Princess
at 11:59 PM
i'm at chad's
by myself.
my lipgloss is too thick.
worms are gross.
fat drama-oriented bitches should die.
but we all know how i feel about that.
Princess
at 4:16 PM
she and
our post-freshman romance
gripped me
with a sturdy hand
after i broke all my fingers off.
an index for your past,
a point for every
imaginary image.
she pets my head,
strokes my ego,
and waves goodbye.
***
repetitive ramblings
raved raspy and
strangled through phone cords
were never enough
to drill through your
thick, thick skull.
this time,
you pick written attacks
weak in punctuation
but rich in sarcasm and self-pity
so that i may
mill more than usual.
i have my powertools
and too many holes in my head
already,
thank you.
***
i can't quit
listening to queen adreena.
this is a good thing.
earnest hemmingway
is not
my thing.
fifteen pages into the old man and the sea,
i'm ready to shoot myself in the face.
i'm getting my hair done today
at 3.
Princess
at 11:21 AM
lalala
he just left
and
i love himmmm.
...
i like bob dylan.
Princess
at 11:21 PM
i smell like my dogs.
this is not a bad thing.
also,
if you're fat
and you're stupid
and you're ugly (as in physically and otherwise, too)
then you should just die.
i went to breakfast with chad this morning.
he's so good at life.
he wasn't there when i got to school,
but there WAS a note in le locker
with a pink jolly rancher wrapped in it
that said
"THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
FOR BEING SO CUTE."
i was crying when i got there,
but as soon as i saw that..
no more tears.
SO GOOD AT LIFE.
Princess
at 7:13 PM
my last good day with cody
was monday, june 7th.
wednesday, june 9th
was the first day i did something alone with chad.
Princess
at 6:40 PM
written by haylee:
star earrings
and sparkly high heels
imprinted in my memory.
not to mention
cigarettes and plants picked by
"shamans from the Himalayas".
a unique relationship
and if anything was a damn snowflake,
it'd be our friendship.
off and on talking,
yet subconsciously knowing
we're both there for each other
no matter if we're on shrooms
or not.
eighty-eight shades of devious
tattoo my heart,
and the memories of us
are by far
the best I've ever had.
***
((is it emo that i cried when i read that???))
she called me beautiful,
too.
Princess
at 6:13 PM
once
someone told me that
your ears never stop growing.
i cannot express
how much i hope
this is not true.
last night
there was a spider in my room
the size of my palm.
i was ambiened-out,
so i stared at it for an hour
contemplating what to do
before finally calling my mom to come kill it.
it scrunched up its legs
in pounce mode,
and it had distinctive little
eyeballs.
completely horrifying.
every guy i've dated
since middle school
has had a four-letter name.
all of them.
most of them with c-names,
two named eric.
my limewire keeps not working.
which means downloading it
over
and
over.
i'm going to kill something.
i love the plasmatics.
even if they suck.
i have to find a quote that
"means a lot to me."
to me,
quotes are meaningless.
completely.
so..
fuck.
Princess
at 9:17 AM
chad is my first boyfriend
(serious one, i mean)
with my favorite kind of eyes.
big gorgeous brown ones,
that is.
so maybe cody is right
and i was lovebird glancing at him
just because i am so in love with
his eyes
and was all along.
today
i blew out a tire,
and he changed it for me.
afterwards, he smelled like
trucks
and it was the hottest thing ever.
i learned how to operate
registers
at work today.
!!!!!
and i bought rubix cube earrings.
that you can actually play with.
and i will.
believe me, i will.
food is trivial,
and so is my weight gain.
but not my weight loss,
which is an exciting journey into the world of self-confidence.
i decided.
i left the oven on
at 500 degrees today.
it occured to me today
that i should've known it would never work out with cody
because he doesn't like hole
or
92.3,
and will never smell like trucks not even for a millisecond of his entire life.
and because he wouldn't play guitar
in front of me.
Princess
at 11:03 PM
i miss her.
Princess
at 10:59 PM
i'm fat.
how did i get so fat?
GO AWAY FOREVER, FAT.
i probably weigh
MORE than 120.
FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU,
FATNESS.
DIE.
NEEEEED for speed.
(chad is going to kill me.)
so i came across
this emo-bitch entry
(published gracefully by cody,
thanks a lot you self-centered fuck)
about me
and how this summer
i "showed him my true colors"
and how i was so awful
it was so awful
and i did everything to him
i'm a cheating slut
and chad and i exchanged lovebird glances in front of him?
and also that i lie.
so, in conclusion,
i would like to say
CODY LEE CLEVENGER,
YOU CAN EAT A DICK.
or rather,
i hope i made you so miserable
and that you will never get over it.
because if i could go back,
i would make you ACTUALLY suffer
hellishly
like the waste of space
AND my time
that you truly are,
or make you as miserable
as i was.
thank you.
ANYWAY.
my lovebird-boyfriend chad
will be here in
less than an hour.
i'm going to "swing off of him"
and it's going to be awesome
like
WAY BETTER THAN MY EX(es).
so...
there.
Princess
at 1:42 PM
for art,
i've been keeping this
ridiculous sketch book
that's really being filled with
weird poems,
the kind i write
without knowing they're there
until later on when i find them.
**
he eyes me
chocolate-provocative.
cemented secretions
and earnest erections
hushed feverously
in the
sanctuary of sinnnn.
denial
is spoken softly
and rarely administered.
own me,
but don't wear the pants.
**
i section off my dependency,
funds depleted
and no attention to pay.
you couldn't have been
more right
about my tinfoil nature,
or more suspicious
of my seclusion.
hateful,
selfish
bitch.
you couldn't have been
more right
about me.
**
he said
he thinks about me
a lot
when i'm gone,
that he wishes he could be with me
all the time.
i'm with me all the time,
and i hardly feel the same.
now,
him all the time
is something i wouldn't mind.
he likes
waking me up in the morning.
which is my favorite thing.
COULD
THIS
BE
MORE
FUCKING
PERFECT???
((no.))
we went to see
bob dylan
last night with
joe and coleen (is that how you spell it?).
they fight more than us.
and in the car with them,
i decided that
relationships can only last
when the frequency of upsetness
is balanced with the depth of understanding.
lucky for me,
i decided,
because even though i'm upset a lot
i think chad is starting to understand
some of it,
at least.
i had a chip sandwich for dinner.
i'm having a really hard time
with haylee being gone.
chad keeps saying
YOU DIDN'T HANG OUT WITH HER ALL SUMMER
but the thing is...
all summer
after she got her freedom taken,
i just kept thinking
about EVERYTHING
how awesomer everything would've been
had she been there.
then, i'd say
oh well everything will be better
once she gets her freedom.
BUT NOW SHE'S GONE,
SO EVERYTIME I THINK THAT
IT ENDS WITH
oh,
well...
she's gone.
and she's not coming back.
and i'm alonealonealone.
it's awful.
Greenskysfall: But, like the great harry potter once said..."You just gotta keep pimpim dem' hoe's and busting them' caps in whitey"
Greenskysfall: those words could inspire a nation if used correctly
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: you're just like that though. you are megaaweosme and you dont give yourself enough credit
ggglittersoresss: i don't know. i look in the mirror and see this completely different person than what everyone thinks i am. it's so weird.
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: thats because no one has shown you how truely beatiful and megaawesome you are, and the few seconds they maybe have you dont believe them enough like you should. you need to look into that mirror and see those little bits of beaufitl things all put together to make you.. thats who you really are.
I LOVE YOU LINDSAY.
friday,
le fam went
to terra haute to see
the bucks and haddixes.
it was fun,
and i totally love those kids.
saturday,
i was cinderella at a birthday party.
see:
saturday night
i saw into the silence
(sleeve-brian's band)
at UV.
then me, chad, and
his friend ryan
went to nate's for stalbaum's
birthday.
total awesomeness.
this morning
he called me saying
he wasn't going to school
until i was anyway, so i should come over.
i did,
and it was thoroughly enjoyable.
because
HE IS THOROUGHLY ENJOYABLE.
is it by any chance clear
yet
that he's all i can ever think about
ever?
well,
i'm extremely hungry
and it's bedtime, too.
so goodnight.
ps
SEX
IS
AWESOME.
Princess
at 12:10 AM
goodbye,
Princess at 6:18 AM
please,
i beg of you,
GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A FORK.
"if i had a face,
i'd shoot it.
oh, wait, i do
so i should."
there is not a more appropriate moment
to be thinking this quote.
today being haylee's last day,
there was a party at her house.
all these days past i've been bawling my eyes out
and a total of three tears shed today.
i'm in shock.
i can't believe she's leaving.
i am now down to one friend.
she tried to put all our pictures
on a cd for me
but they didn't work.
so there goes an entire summer
of memories out the window,
since i can't actually remember
any of them.
FUCK.
and also, all the videos.
AH THE VIDEOS.
yes, they're also not on this cd.
she's leaving between five and six
in the morning.
i will be there.
crying, probably.
gouging my eyes out.
ripping my face off.
kissing her goodbye.
next summer,
she's going to be my girlfriend.
i now officially
want a cigarette.
we didn't even get
to get together for a last time,
or spend the night together
or make a duct tape backpack
or have a last day of school together
or go on a crazy loud music drive
or anything.
it's over,
she's leaving,
i'm alone,
she'll be gone this time tomorrow
and she won't be back until christmas.
she made me promise i won't forget
or replace her,
like that's even fucking possible.
i made her do the same.
***
iiii was the one to miss breakfast today,
or rather show up late.
what a face.
dentist appointment at like 8, too,
which is always weird because
i mean,
there are people all up in your mouth
flouriding you.
anyway, i'm cavity free, yo!
i went to kohl's with my mom today
and bought more
preppy-conservative-normal
clothes.
DO YOU GUYS GET IT YET???
I'M SO NORRMALLLL!!!
CHECK ME OUTTTT!!!
anyway,
i didn't even buy anything black.
OMG OMG OMG!
then i headed over to chadely's.
we went to meijer to get
oreo pie mix and jones soda for haylo,
and he helped make the pie and everything
since i suck with crusts.
because he's awesome at life.
the jones soda was watermelon
since there wasn't any cherry left.
it was sort of awful,
but i kind of liked it.
then we went back to chad's
quickly
for some.. stuff.
THEN he had to go pick justin up at work
since justin's car died
BUT
CHAD'S TRUCK IS A PIECE OF FACE
(even though it's wayyy hottness in a box)
so yeah it wouldn't start and rolled across the street and i'm little so i couldn't push it blahblahb.
anyway i had to go pick justin up
and it totally held the party up
since everyone was waiting for us
at becky's.
but we arrived and it was all good
in the hood
and we set everything up before she saw us
with balloons and streamers and bubbles.
AWESOME.
have i mentioned that she's
THE MOST PRECIOUS THING EVER?
we partied like it was 1999.
and took and completely ridiculous amount
of pictures.
in attendance:
chad, brendon, zach, aaron, ashley, morgan, chris, nicker, nick, becky, brandon, bobbi, steve, nate, hillary, haylo, me.
plus some more fam.
i'm so glad that she felt special
that we all came for her.
then i took chad home,
then i came back.
speaking of which,
HE IS REALLY FREAKING ATTRACTIVE.
yeah, really.
Greenskysfall: So are you and chad a couple or something now? or friends or what? just a curious question.
ggglittersoresss: well... i was trying really hard to steer clear of relationships and such but... we're pretty coupley, i guess.
Greenskysfall: That's cool i guess. Are you happy with it?
ggglittersoresss: definitely.
Greenskysfall: Then right on.
*giggles*.
well my livewire isn't working.
so no cd burning for haylee.
but i'm still getting up tomorrow morning
to see her and give her a hug goodbye.
before i left,
we tattooed misshapen
half-hearts on our wrists.
***
our freedom was amazing,
the simmering summer
of shimmering stoners.
i poke my nose
for each echo
of smoke-rings and tongue-rings
still ringing in my ears.
henna my hands
in eighty-eight shades of devious
or one for every day you'll be gone.
i'll never miss anything
more.
Princess
at 11:25 PM
even MORE thorough self-dislike.
i know what you're thinking,
is that possible?
well, it is.
becuase
I FUCKING SUCK.
got really, really fucked up on ambien last night
and apparently took some sort of bath
and slept naked
and didn't set the alarm
and left my clothes everywhere
and left my jewelry in the sink?
anyway, the result was
my mom storming in at 6.50,
five minutes after i was supposed to meet chad
(who didn't call me as i asked, though this is completely my fault),
bitching about
how was i supposed to go to my appointment at 8
if i wasn't even up yet?
(that big bitch, i swear to fucking god. it's like,
hello,
i have sleep issues and i have waking up issues.
you should really stay the FUCK OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE
YOU FUCKING BARBIE PSYCHO
IT'S MORNINGMORNINGMORNING AND YOU'RE
JUST TRYING TO PISS ME OFF.)
so i throw some clothes on,
jump in the car,
and drive 60mph all the way to hardee's.
of course, he's not there when i get there.
which means one of two things:
he didn't get up again
or
he left because i wasn't there.
which is bad either way.
i'm so upset.
with myself,
with everything.
it's haylee's last day.
i sort of want to just
get back in bed
and roll over and die.
no, i really want to.
fuck.
fuck this shit.
seriously.
as soon as this appointment is over,
i'm
doing something awesome.
Princess
at 7:21 AM
what is severely bothering me
is that i have all these photography sessions
that i need to have
and i won't have haylee to do them with.
and frankly,
i don't want a new model.
so fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
***
no soundtrack for the memories
tonight;
it's dark and dramatic
enough.
he leans in with
ambien eyes, swallowing his last humid breath.
last kiss/fuck
of the summer and
i'm pretending like refusing to quit
will stretch time a little more,
free-based freedom
pumping full force
from my eyes and ears and mouth.
i promised to fill you
in
on the details
when you'll remember,
but all i have to say is..
the
end.
***
i think that since it is,
in fact,
the last night of summer..
i am going to take a walk and get very stoned
by myself.
then i will come back
and reminisce on all the events
of the last ten weeks.
awesome.
Princess
at 11:00 PM
CHAD WENT SHOPPING WITHOUT ME.
i am not happy.
NOT.
went to see mike today.
we just talked about..
how much better i am.
he was really surprised.
it was sort of odd that i was like,
allowed
to talk about the improvements i've made
and be proud of myself.
because chad always complains
about it
and i have no one else to talk to.
plus,
mike had to hear about how bad i was before
and yeah it was cool to compare.
in just a few short months,
i really feel like i've been able
to change a lot.
and it's awesome.
school starts tomorrow.
i'm nervous as hell.
once again,
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT WITHOUT ME.
i'm so hurt.
Princess
at 1:27 PM
CHAD WENT SHOPPING WITHOUT ME.
i am not happy.
NOT.
went to see mike today.
we just talked about..
how much better i am.
he was really surprised.
it was sort of odd that i was like,
allowed
to talk about the improvements i've made
and be proud of myself.
because chad always complains
about it
and i have no one else to talk to.
plus,
mike had to hear about how bad i was before
and yeah it was cool to compare.
in just a few short months,
i really feel like i've been able
to change a lot.
and it's awesome.
school starts tomorrow.
i'm nervous as hell.
once again,
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LEFT WITHOUT ME.
i'm so hurt.
Princess
at 1:27 PM
yeah so
i really,
really
do not like myself.
at all.
why isn't this going away?
why aren't i someone good yet?
chad has all these weird
life theories
based on a combination
of his insecurities, disappointments,
and how deeply he feels sorry for himself.
i forget to shut up
and take them personally.
this always ends
in me suffering even lower self esteem
and him being greatly annoyed with my..
annoying nature.
i suck.
i felt really fat today
for no real reason.
that was not enjoyable.
i got to be with haylee today.
it was awesome to be with her,
but it was awful because she's leaving.
i'm always on the verge of tears.
i'm listening to revolution nine backwards.
it's fucking freaking me out,
totally.
everything i want
is over before it begins.
no one understands
my loyalty to cory
but everyone misinterperits it.
and the question...
"why aren't you with him?"...
it's just not something i can answer.
i don't want to be.
not now.
i am,
however,
becoming content with a lifestyle
that is soon-to-be
over
(or at least my instinct tells me this).
hopefully not over person-wise.
practice-wise
i can deal with.
who am i kidding.
i can't deal with anything.
i hate waking up
from lying to myself about everything.
depression rules my entire life.
me: blahblahblah... you're beating down people's self esteem.
chad: you don't have any to beat on.
aside from all this
pettiness and stupidity,
i think it's important to reiterate
that mmmmm
i love chad
and i hope he stays around.
seriously.
and that i couldn't hate
haylee's not-being-able-to-stay-aroundness
more.
Princess
at 12:45 AM
five dollars for
jay saniford,
bleak,
bubblegum,
and smoking.
it was worth it.
jenn called me
saying she has no friends
please don't hate her too much
she really wants a threesome.
i almost cried,
because i can't do anything for her
except be a last resort/fuck
and that sucks.
no one understands
why i dislike her so passionately.
not that it matters,
because i'm still answering the phone
when i'm busy
for her.
anything i can do
for the people i love,
even when i hate them.
what bullshit.
swolllllllen.
jenn's boyfriend is icky.
taco bell is awesome.
tomorrow i'm gong to haylee's after work.
sleep is melting my face off.
Princess
at 1:34 AM
she spoke in broken english,
wiping her face with broken fingernails.
"if i had a dollar
for every
friend who fell through..
well,
fuck it."
she sells herself
to every new acquaintance-
a sales pitch that never fails.
with every new customer,
a handful of customs
and she
laughs along her lipline
whispering
"i sold out,
and i liked it."
**
i'm all gussied up
and waiting on chad to get
*gag*
haylee's going away party
is wednesday.
come thursday,
she's gone for good.
brittany is back.
**
keying my car
in five chords
or directions;
a note gets left
for every accident
(or does it?).
kiss and run,
serenading acute,
cute blondes on mute.
a tune-up,
bucket or no,
is beyond called for
post-collision,
no matter the damage degree.
the new paint job
is only music
to your eyes.
**
love your money.
Princess
at 7:30 PM
"of course i love you.
probably more than you love me."
haylee called
at 1.18
crying because she is,
in fact,
going to virginia.
no turning back.
i'm going to miss her a lot.
but in the longrunning tradition of all my true friends,
she must be ridiculously far away.
i should shut up though.
because what really matters to me is her getting what she needs
and not me feeling sorry for myself.
ultimate loneliness it is,
then?
most likely.
i don't know what i'll do without her.
anyway.
today was otherwise
thoroughly satisfying
without being much.
highlight:
lying on his bed in a blanket through a sunbathe window,
him sleeping with me in his arms.
i concentrated on softing my skin as much as possible
and batted my eyelashes
at the comforting heat of relaxation.
perfectionnn.
i'm going to sleep.
Princess
at 1:28 AM
heartbreak
from haylee.
i sat down at the computer to burn
*imissyou*
on a cd to leave at her house
when i found this in my inbox
from her.
****
hey babygrrrrl. i have so much to tell you, but i only have time for one issue. ok so here it goes...holly, john, jacob, and caleb came to visit this weekend, and yesterday we were all talking about stuff. as you know *i think you do* the college i want to go to is in VA, but the costs raised up this year and now it's 20,000...which totally blows. but holly and john told me that if i were to move there mom and dad said it was ok already, and i'd have my freedom, along with a basement of my own might i add. but this is the biggest decision i've ever had to make in one week, i mean i have a week to decide what i want. if i go there, i get freedom, and 2 years free at a college that i wouldn't be able to afford without the scholarship i'd get there...but if i stay here i can stay with the people i love and what i have here *which isn't really much.* i mean john was sayin shit like "you can't think so tunnel vision, of course you have friends and family here...but what about your future that's so important to you? it's a huge decision but you know what's best." and im just like AAAAAAHHHHH idk. you & i don't really talk anymore...but that doesn't mean i don't want to, and it doesn't mean i want to leave you, even though you'd be totally ok w/o me. but i'm seriously scared to think what nicker would do, man. or ashole.and also, i took those pics awhile back and i took a hipbone ESPECIALLY for 'le ty. it was negatives in the blacklight. but we'll talk later...i'm busy 'til sunday...but on sunday i promised i'd go to youth group w/ you so if you have to work just lemme know. we can hang out on sunday, too, if you would like. but i gotta jet, i love you.
****
she's at the program thing right now,
and i can't get hold of her
and my emails never get to her
and my phonecalls never get to her
and it's awful because i just want to hug her and be with her and awfulawfulawful.
the worst thing ever
is wanting her to go and be happy and do what she needs to
but wanting her to stay and be with me.
but i can't have her when she's here anyway.
the signature on her email
is peanutbutterjelly.
she has no idea
how much i lovemissneed her.
fuck.
i started writing earlier
about yesterday
and it's awesomeness,
but i think i'm going to go lay down now.
*dies*.
Princess
at 4:09 PM
i cut.
why i feel the need to make something permanent out of something temporary, i have no idea.
there are no words to descire
the level of which
i do not like myself right now.
Princess
at 11:15 PM
i think i spoke to
"god"
tonight.
or rather,
had an experience so good and out of character
that i feel moved
on a spiritual level.
and to clear up any suspicions of creepiness,
let me say that
it wasn't until i was lying on the pavement
home
next to my car
alone
communicating with a silent, star-studded sky that wasn't actually capable of communication
that any of this occured to me.
it was just one of those
peaceofmind
moments
that i would miss were i not
offbeat/a night owl/a weekend risk taker.
anyway, now i feel
more ready to take on life
and less likely to freak out anytime soon.
we got caught.
we always get caught.
especially when we're not actually doing anything
to be frowned upon.
i suppose it's because
the most well-worth it deviousness
is just being able to enjoy someone's company
and simply that.
congratulations,
chadely erica action jaxen wicked bad brizendine.
i love you.
****
on to less important
but more time-consuming subjects.
like being at zach's all day long.
it was good.
chad's stonewall episode
permitted me a few seconds of
girltalk with cheryl
as well as a few protective words
from keith,
who is catching the
tylersessenceliveshereandwelikeit drift
and trusts me.
of course,
it is among my top priorities to
get it across that chad is
HARDLY
someone to worry about in the house,
not because it matters but because it's the truth.
it's working.
it's sort of weird that
in my alone moments there,
i feel at home instead of uncomfortable.
it's even weirder that
aaron lives there full-time
and i only live there part-time
but i still feel like i belong there more.
zach and i
had a chance to do the zach and i thing
and go on a walk to chat
briefly about everything in that
ludicriously comforting way.
i think it's so comforting because i know that
zach is really my friend,
and i seem to know that so rarely.
i love aaron
even when he's on my nerves.
even if i don't say/show it.
i was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror
(checking for dirt on my face?)
when i noticed ripples on the sides of my tongue
exactly like
the ones on my mom's tongue
that i always stare at, completely horrified.
i also lost a lot of hair today.
dave called, he's home.
he must see me.
phil (from florida)
is online, and we're talking.
it's refreshing, since we connect so well
even after time, always.
chad commented on how
i hang out with his friends every day
but he doesn't know any of mine.
now that i think about this,
there is an irony too deep to be coincidence
in the fact that my friends-
the real ones that i actually consider-
are few, far between, individual, and hardly
open for meeting my love interests.
and older than me or very fucked up.
partially, i think this is because
i'm hard to connect with
and change too often for people who don't understand me
to keep up with me.
this is an unnecessarily long entry
that needs to be written
to document today's meaningless fiascos.
hopefully, as a whole,
they can express this atypical serenity?
this week's unstoppable theme:
i come from the water.
alone on zach's uncoordinated bed,
i watched the deleted fight club scenes for the first time.
quite easily,
this is what actually sparked
my mood/mode/course.
no one would ever have the patience to read this.
good thing no one really does.
this is my first public declaration of this kind,
but i'm proud to declare that
i love life, living, and existing.
and my sublime hoodie.
Princess
at 3:17 AM
dear pop ups,
DIE DIE DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!
Princess
at 12:08 PM
composing composure
in your lips plumped to
kiss my own,
i twirl my last ribbon.
bracing embraces
for abrasions or invasions.
the insecurity smoothes
a bit,
soothing inconsistencies
and all internal injuries,
including your heart implant.
post-compose,
you inch in in in in in in in in in
to my plumped pout.
the press is imperative,
impairing my perception.
just kiss me.
Princess
at 4:49 AM
"tyler wears the pants."
**thanks dilman**
nate's, zach's,
here.
he just left,
though.
we slept (or he slept and i laid)
for the last few hours in my
awesome hello kitty bed.
someone please remind me WHY
temptation is so awful?
he was so out of it though,
it would have been total advantage.
and we all know that
i'm a good girl.
kjdvhlizuhla.
apparently,
i'm the only person who doesn't think
we're a couple.
i've been biting my lips
ALL DAY
and now they're all ripped up.
suck suck suck.
my nails look really awesome.
i do a little dance every time i look at them.
earlier, he half woke up
and paused to look at me.
"you're a good guitar person."
i was like...
huh?
he just rolled his eyes back in his head
and went back to sleep.
it was thoroughly cute.
my flimsy self-esteem can drop on a dime.
how unfair that it's so difficult to get it back up.
i met the famous jackie today,
aaron's ex.
she was cute.
and she only made me like, kinda nervous.
must've been her bitchin hello kitty shoelaces.
ok, i'm ambiened.
w;ioiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinight.
Princess
at 4:23 AM
so..
he said love,
and that's no big deal,
because i say it all the time..
so why does my stomach want to jump out of my eyeballs?
justwondering.
Princess
at 8:06 PM
i'm really sad
for no good reason.
except that chad's grounded due to my presence.
i don't like myself right now
and would much rather be with
someone else than me.
this morning was lovely, though,
since chad came and woke me up before
work and took me to burger king.
work that began at 8, mind you.
but i enjoyed the entire shift,
and walked away bouncing and
ready for no doubt?
.......
need for speed two?
i'm such an offbeat character.
not.
*****
we weave together
ideas or decisions,
my censor-speak
and your inconsideracy.
it's something i cannot bring myself to mind
on the days when
i feel special.
even if momentarily.
plaid produced;
my teen-speak
and your immaturity.
it's something i cannot hate you for
when i'm wrong,
always.
or not.
****
p.s.
(and this is important):
today for the first time i can ever remember,
i was glad to be alive.
Princess
at 6:55 PM
a handful of leg
and a finger-full of lard.
i'm armed for the flag
with flags on my arms,
the way i couldn't have been
blondiesque.
praise to a sea of
green, blue, pink, gray
and all those other browns
mixed clashing like titans
in my pretty displays.
Princess
at 6:51 PM
ohyeahiforgot.
"unofficial girlfriend."
Princess
at 12:56 AM
(yesterday.)
"how can you be sad about anything
when reggae is in the world?"
hah.
haylee: "cody said that
when he did shrooms, everything was orange."
me: "who?"
we skipped the party
and laid around all day.
it was not even a little bit boring.
chad, zach, and derek
showed up at my house at
six in the morning.
then slept.
plus me.
***
(today.)
we went to king's island.
le fam and chadely, that is.
it was by far the awesomest possible day to go
EVER.
"if we die right now,
i just want you to know that
i never really liked you."
i slept on him all the way there and back.
we left at seven in the morning.
last night, i wrote haylee
an email
stating that
i am not avoiding her,
i love her very much,
etcetcetc.
everything i wanted to say yesterday
but was not capable of.
we tried to call her from the park today,
but it didn't work.
she wouldn't have wanted to talk to me
anyway.
altogether,
we probably only spent two hours
waiting in line.
"hey you stick figure,
why don't you like,
go eat another half a grape?"
all is well in hell.
***
cody tried to call me the other night
at taco bell.
i think i was obnoxious to him.
he said he would call back but never did.
big surprise.
aaron said something yesterday
about how he spent some time observe
cody/bobbi interaction
and that his findings were that he is,
in fact,
using her.
the only thing i find truly interesting in all of this
is that it strikes no particular chords
in me.
the last time i actually talked to him
he spoke of
how he couldn't take me back.
he hasn't the slightest inkling
of how much i'd rather
go back to cutting than go back to him.
***
i enjoy chad's vocabulary.
Princess
at 12:27 AM
OxOMagdelenaOxO: You are a very pretty snowflake to me
today i talked to haylee.
she's really weird upset with me
because i don't make enough effort towards her
to satisfy her anymore.
what she doesn't realize
(because she's so detatched from me, currently)
is that i don't really make effort for anything anymore,
but that i have tried to call
but never get through.
it's weird how that works.
now,
though (and this is truly sad),
every time i actually do get hold of her
all that happens is
her being mad at me for not calling more often.
which is kind of what happened with cody,
except that he was actually just an asshole.
something is wrong with my phone
because my mom said she tried to call
and haylee tried to call
but there were no calls.
however,
i would've never guessed
because nate and zach called just fine.
hm.
i wish i understood myself better sometimes.
Princess
at 11:35 PM
i am not,
i repeat,
not,
a beautiful or unique snowflake.
have i mentioned lately that i
absolutely hate myself?
Princess
at 11:52 PM
whatever.
i wrote that a few weeks ago
but forgot it existed.
good job, memory.
also,
PLEASE JUST FUCKING SHOOT ME IN THE FACE.
Princess
at 11:22 AM
Fu9: wooooooow.
Fu9: i may be wasted..
Fu9: but i want to kiss you.
ggglittersoresss: i am blushing SO HARD!
Fu9: you're incredible.
(that was good for my self-esteem.)
Princess
at 1:42 AM
also,
we did the (**edit provided by chadely erica**) and
it was beautiful.
i talked to a GIRL!
and he played beautifulllllll guitar
and had beautifulllll eyes
and everything was so good.
i should really stop
fucking up the things that matter most to me.
Princess
at 1:11 AM
i suck at life,
am completley insane,
should go back to a fucking weekend boyfriend,
am stupid,
stupider than i think even,
and
will cause a forever weird riff between us (starting tomorrow).
but he loves me.
Princess
at 1:04 AM