*foiled.*

Thursday, September 30, 2004
don't ghasp at the predictable,
a comforting lie can't last.

aww.
chad called.
HOW WAY BETTER THAN WRITING IN A JOURNAL.

Princess at 10:27 PM
*****************

Wednesday, September 29, 2004
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: if i was a giant black man from a green mile, i'd take it upon myself to rid of of all those things
ggglittersoresss: i wish you were a giant black man.

Princess at 6:53 PM

*****************

Tuesday, September 28, 2004
I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.

but i do not love needles or hospitals.
not at all.

i did give myself my first shot today,
though.
*yawns*.
i'll finish writing about my good day in the morning.

Princess at 2:09 AM

*****************

Sunday, September 26, 2004
thoroughly satisfying day
credited wholly to chad.

it started with this morning,
an internal escape to end all frustrations
and practically bathing in all these warm, beautiful confessions
in the dark, in the tent
where no one could see us.
then we left,
out to the park with a sleeping bag and a candle
under the starry sky, the moon through the trees,
and a decagon-object.

me,
i'm fucking it,
he said.
he loves me.

then i slept the best sleep ever.
the kind of sleep where you wake up
but are so relaxed that moving is not an option.
but i was still laying around
when he came in this morning
to give me the GREATEST present EVER:

a purse he MADE HIMSELF
ESPECIALLY FOR ME.
it's beautiful, like perfectly crafted and sturdy
and the perfect length and
FUZZY BLACK WITH FUZZY LEOPARD TRIM,
which is my very favorite.
ooh and pink on the inside.
i never want to take this thing off.
it's seriously the greatest birthday present i ever remember getting,
ever.
better than my car.
which was more expensive,
but come on people.
this thing was made of 100% love.
there is just nothing better than that.

anyway,
we went a bunch of places
before going to nate's to watch the game.
or he watched the game and i sat there
not really understanding
but being really happy anyway.
at 5, we came back here
to wait on nikki
and all four of my grandparents were here.
my grandma looks really mod.
my papa was playing piano.
punkin was painting a mural.
they're all so damn presh.
but i still didn't want them here, haha.

we had to wait forever for jer and the boys to get here
before eating.
veggie chili and mt. diablo.
mmmmmmmmmmmm.
and of course, ice cream cake.
WITH HELLO KITTY ON IT!

presents:
$75
a leopard-print corset-shaped purse
a notepad reading "life is a chair full of bowlies"
a hair straightener
a self-instructional yoga disc
the best of mike myers
the best of adam sandler
a georgia o'keefe book
a tool hoodie
an apc shirt
snapple lipgloss
a "dreamy dream-catcher" kit

and of course,
the cd player and the purse and waht haylo got me.

brittany, megan, melody, tori, xtian, lindsay q, aaron, the guys at nate's, and my dad
all wished me happy birthday today.
plus all the people here for the birthday part.
haylee tried to call, but i missed all her calls and feel really stupid.
it's 12.39 there, too,
so i'd feel really bad about calling.
even though she told me it was ok.

i feel totally awesome.
i would have felt way less awesome,
in fact,
the completely opposite of awesome
if chad had not saved my day
and that makes me feel
SO SPECIAL
because i know he tried really hard.

plus today i had an amazing amount of

i'm really really sick with some kind of cold.
so is my mom.
jer looked at us both today though
and said our throats aren't red or swollen and stuff
so it's probaby allergy-related.
i don't want to take my allergy medicine though
because i'm on all these other medicines
that are way more important.
like the stuff that makes me not throw up,
because throwing up is really miserable.

everything i'm on or supposed to be on as of now:
*lovenox
*zofran
*welbutrin
*ambien
*some prenatal vitamin
*regular vitamins
*baby asprin
*tylenol.

i'm just not very happy with that list.
so i take the lovenox to prepare for saturday
because that's a good idea,
the ambien to fall asleep,
the zofran when i'm unbearably naseous,
and occasionally the welbutrin (when my mom is watching).
thought i did take a tylenol last night
since i had an awful headache.
i just don't want to be taking all this shit.
it's important that i log what i take and waht i don't though,
so in case i get really fucked up i can look back
and figure what went wrong.

oh man.
i can't stop thinking about chad.
he wants to get back to being hopelesslydevoted to me.
i am so glad.

today,
i felt beautiful.

Princess at 11:12 PM

*****************

what started out painful
ended up being the best night i think
i've ever had.

thank you so much for the greatest birthday gift ever,
chad.

i officially do not hate this day.
happy birthday to me.

Princess at 2:54 AM

*****************

Saturday, September 25, 2004
this must be a contest to see
who can hurt my feelings the most
and then blame it on me.

well fuck you people,
because I HAVE GINGER SNAPS AND GATORADE.
HAHAHAHHA.

Princess at 4:58 PM

*****************

Friday, September 24, 2004
oh my god
i love cake.
what good music for a shitty morning.

*dances around.*

Princess at 9:45 AM

*****************

Thursday, September 23, 2004
work was good.
i had a perfect register again,
and it was only my second night ringing.
oh man imsogood.
plus i worked with just ash,
and we talked about all sorts of womaneystuff.
well, one sort of womaneystuff,
but one sort that made me feel a lot better about my whole situation.
she doesn't regret it, either.
but she had her best friend with her at the time.
dammit.

i've got chad for..
as long as he's here.
i know i've got hay forever,
but i wish i had her right in front of my face.
she makes me a stronger person.
lindsay would be nice,
also.

anyway,
after work i went to chad's
just because.
he was indeed there
and we hid in a blanket-tent
and kissed
and it was the happiest moment of my entire life,
i think.
well, my entire life of this month.
complete bliss.
he was warm and soft and he held me
and jesus-tap-dancing-christ
((thanks for that one, hay, because i love it))
i just felt like
everything is seriously going to be
ok.

this was different because
usually when that thought runs through my head,
it's when i DECIDE that everything is going to be ok
and start talking myself into it.
this time it just floated across my brain
and then i relaxed for a few seconds
and didn't think about anything but how good being there was that second.

then i came home and had to get a shot.
but now the horrible weirdass pain is gone,
so i'm back to thinking about chad.
ooooooooooooooh.

Princess at 11:40 PM

*****************

Wednesday, September 22, 2004
i went to his house after school today,
jesus christ.
soooooooooo hott.
SO.

i also went to the obgyn,
and talked to the nurse practitioner.
her name was susan.
she was really, really nice.
but she didn't know how bad i want to not be like this.
i didn't even bother, because i knew it wasn't going to do anything fo rmy situation.
then i had to get probed,
and they took pictures of my organs.
i listened to the heartbeat, watched it onscreen.
158 bpm.
it was ugly.
and little.

i cried a lot for a long time.
panic.
and just glared at my mom.

i need to call back the illinois people.
yeah.

Princess at 4:42 PM

*****************

Tuesday, September 21, 2004
OMG we kissed today,
and it was SO FUCKING GOOD.
i felt like i could just melt into a little puddle right then and there
and i'd be ok with that.
*dies*
*goes to heaven*

Princess at 3:09 PM

*****************

Monday, September 20, 2004
OH GOD,
we're having a good conversation.
thank you god or godlike figure.

Princess at 9:40 PM

*****************

i deleted this entry because it was mean.

Princess at 5:15 PM

*****************

it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away.
and it feels,
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that you've gone away.
**

thank you, offspring.

Princess at 1:20 PM

*****************

there is a reason why
"vile" and "bile"
rhyme so well.
it's called my repetitive mornings/afternoons/evenings/life.

and all i can think about,
staring at my random ceilings,
is how i really want to die.
that's all i want.
if i can't have him.
and i can't have me.
i want eternal blackness.

i want to miss the...
carrying.

half of me deeply hopes that no one is reading this.
but not for my sake.
for his
immature insecurities.
but hell, we all know i'm overly sensitive to that shit.
fuck me
((never again)).

he wishes he never met me.
but if i could get rid of it, he'd love me just the same.
***

i pull my last petal,
reading the lines like palms to tell
my future.
"he loves me not."
my mistake was deflowering him,
for now he cannot offer me
more than a crisply dying leaf, this fall.
he planted this seed
for us together,
but i alone will harbor its bloom.

Princess at 10:22 AM

*****************

Sunday, September 19, 2004
cooma chad: yea
cooma chad: i told justin
cooma chad: you dont care
ggglittersoresss: no. it doesn't bother me.
ggglittersoresss: but you seemed to sort of be freaking out about it.
cooma chad: you have no idea.
ggglittersoresss: pff, i'm pretty sure i do.
ggglittersoresss: do you still not want to look at me ever again?
cooma chad: id appreciate it if you just left my ashamed self alone
cooma chad: im going to try to get as much as possible in these next few weeks before i hit bottom
cooma chad: i mean do as much things as possible
ggglittersoresss: that's awful.
ggglittersoresss: i can't do any of them with you?
cooma chad: no
cooma chad: when i see you i see my own self pitty staring back at me
ggglittersoresss: why is that my fault?
cooma chad: i feel to shamed to go outside
ggglittersoresss: i mean.. what can i do to fix it?
ggglittersoresss: i'll do anything, chad. anything. you know that.
cooma chad: theres nuthing, this is what justin emphasizedc
ooma chad: i made my bed
ggglittersoresss: justin is stupid. he doesn't know anything about this.
ggglittersoresss: you didn't make your bed.
ggglittersoresss: i don't think you understand that after nine months, it will be over and out of my life, out of yours. why you want to give up everything else for it, i don't know.
cooma chad: you dont understand
ggglittersoresss: oh, but i do.
ggglittersoresss: at least when you walk outside, people aren't going to stare at you and just know.
ggglittersoresss: you can move on.
cooma chad: no really please just leave me alone
ggglittersoresss: please chad, please please please don't make me do this. don't listen to justin, please god don't listen to your immaturity.
ggglittersoresss: this whole self-pity staring at you thing, it's only bad when we're talking about it. it's only bad when you're dreading it. the rest of the time, you can be fine around me.
ggglittersoresss: making your own bed, diggging your own hole.. it's not a finality yet. but you're making it that way. please don't.
cooma chad signed off at 9:31:06 PM.
***

so i called him.
he hung up on me a total of three times.
but the last time he called me back.
i don't know why.
he thinks i can't give him anything.
that everything will be better for him if i just move away.

no.
no no no no no.

i'm not going to let him just go and turn into a loser.
because he isn't.
he says if i really loved him i would let him just leave me.
that he doesn't love me enough to stay with me.
but i am just not letting that happen.

no.

but it's inevitable i think.
he won't stay around for me.
now just isn't the right time, really.
but when it happens, like i'm sure it's going to tomorrow or whatever,
i just have to keep reminding myself that
i have ME
and haylee, far away,
and lindsay,
and all these other people that aren't going to completely hate me over this.
right?
right.

back to being positive, which is how i'm going to focus from now on.
list of gratitude for today:
thank you xtian for making me feel better always, even if you didn't know what was going on.
thank you chris for being so damn cute.
thank you tori for being supportive, always.
thank you mom for not hating me.
thank you self for not swallowing the adderall.
thank you haylee for calling me.
thank you lindsay for giving me good memories to think about.
thank you alice in wonderland for still working.
thank you hello kitty sheets for being soft.
thank you pizza king for having pink lemonade.
thank you hair for being straight today.
thank you cell phone for not dying during all my important phone calls.
thank you hillary for calling.
thank you holly for considering taking me in.
thank you chad for loving me this morning, even if you sucked later in the day. and for calling back the last time, because even if you didn't say anything good, i still liked that you called. and also for owning this awesome hoodie i've been wearing all day.
thank you alfie for talking to me even though i probably freaked you out.
thank you coffee for giving me an excuse to go see my mom at work.
thank you instant message service for existing.
thank you clothes for having comfty selections. so in relation to this,
thank you brandon for owning wifebeaters and
thank you cody for ever owning these comfy nike shorts i traded you for.
thank you weather for being good today.
thank you tasha and prissy for being the best dogs EVER.
thank you x103 for playing offspring.

ok, that's enough gratitude.

AndrogynousXtian: you need a big fuckin hig
AndrogynousXtian: haha hig hug**
ggglittersoresss: i need a big fucking hig, dude.
ggglittersoresss: and a hug.
ggglittersoresss: gimme?
AndrogynousXtian: **hot awsome cyber hig AND hug*
ggglittersoresss: YAYUH
AndrogynousXtian: know all i need to do is find out what the hell a hig is
***
AndrogynousXtian: i wanna be lady
ggglittersoresss: mm like godiva chocolate?
AndrogynousXtian: like this naked chick who rode on a horse through town to make her husband not tax people
ggglittersoresss: no, i want chocolate.
AndrogynousXtian: if i was black i would give you some hot chocolate
ggglittersoresss: oh baby.
AndrogynousXtian: but unfortunatly we know how white i am
AndrogynousXtian: so i can give you some white choclate
***

ok. it's almost bedtime. night night.

Princess at 10:25 PM

*****************

chad told justin.
i don't even care a little bit.

Princess at 6:31 PM

*****************

more vomiting.
great.

my birthday present will be
driving far away and tearing myself apart.
oh, and taking the blame for all of it.
i'm so excited.

Princess at 9:29 AM

*****************

chris just single-handedly fixed my night.

Velvet FoxHound: girl
Velvet FoxHound: who
Velvet FoxHound: has
Velvet FoxHound: cuties
Velvet FoxHound: or how evr you spell it
ggglittersoresss: cooties?
Velvet FoxHound: yea
ggglittersoresss: HAHAHHA CUTIES
ggglittersoresss: BWAHAHAHHAHA
ggglittersoresss: I LOVE YOU
Velvet FoxHound: lol
Velvet FoxHound: I love them to
Velvet FoxHound: Long Live Mother Russia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Princess at 1:24 AM

*****************

Saturday, September 18, 2004
i am so goddamn lonely,
and frankly,
i do not want to live for another five seconds.

Princess at 8:03 PM

*****************

Friday, September 17, 2004
ggglittersoresss: WEENY
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: haha yess WEENNNYY
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: haha
ggglittersoresss: that was like my fave comment ever
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: the cool thing is, i jsut say things liek that to you, when i tak to you.. they jsut come.. lol im not usually liek that with anyone else
ggglittersoresss: that's because i'm your princess and we just rock that way.
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: mmh mm
ggglittersoresss: awwwwwwwwww i love you so fucking much, i can't even take it.
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: -squeeze- good. im not alone

Princess at 3:06 PM

*****************

last night ended up being thoroughly enjoyable.

chad came in without me knowing
but my mom called and told me before he got to me
so i hid behind the door
and scared the crap out of him.
score two for me, bwahahha.

then we went to ritter's with the haddixes,
then we went to omalia's and bought lemons,
then he made a big mess and mediocre lemonade,
then i made spaghetti
and plus we fucked.
which is always nice.

BlusCluRoxMyWrld: i actually got a decent about of sleep last night
ggglittersoresss: yay!
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: it was exciting.. iw as tired at 8:30.. and you weren online and i was like.. fine ill go to bed
ggglittersoresss: i'm so happy for you!
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: lol it's funny how we make sleep seem like it's such a big event

i look better today.

oh i got an A on my oral interperitation in speech last period,
which i'm majorly proud of.
AND i almost finished my self-portrait in art,
which is totally bitchin.
seriously.

rahrahrah my dad just called and said he's
already here, and katy is here too
so i'm going to hang out with her tonight.
rock.
NOW i'm waiting on chad to call me and tell me
what his plans for us were,
so that i can alter them into allowing for katy.
perrrrrrrrrfect.

ok, that's all.

Princess at 2:52 PM

*****************

Thursday, September 16, 2004
right now
is one of those seconds that i should just not be
breathing.

this morning i was beautiful
but now i feel, look, and even sound
hideous.

chad, please come home now.

i'm going to fazoli's.
alone.

Princess at 7:50 PM

*****************

Wednesday, September 15, 2004
hah, i forgot.
"intensely pleasurefying."
it only gets to be a word when he says it,
and when i cause it.

Princess at 10:55 PM

*****************

this morning, i began to cry
wondering
"why does god hate me?"
but then he was there, and the way he calms me
made me think
"who needs god when he loves me so much?"

he told me earlier that
our lips fit like a jigsaw puzzle.
it was easily the sweetest thing i've heard in
well,
since the last time he said something that cute.
there was a little card he made for me today
with a representation of his face and a thought bubble coming out of it
containing me,
along with the caption
"thinking of you..."
under it, in his handwriting, it said
"love you LOADS!!!"
the loads was underlined twice.
like it was written in the other journal,
it made me stop crying more than once today.

nick grimes also made me stop crying
in speech earlier,
and i felt so special that he cared.
friends are great.
i should have more.
err, talk to more of them.

my dad is coming to town this weekend.
goodbye, bahamas.
apparently, the hurricane canceled their trip.
score one for me.

i talked to nancy about the new house.
it sounds really nice.
REALLY nice.
maybe the kind of place i wouldn't mind staying in
for extended periods of time.
old-style farm house,
extremely detailed,
with a clawfoot tub and stained wood pillars and an island kitchen and all sorts of beautiful personality-invoking kind of things.

i hope i'm as important to chad
as he is to me,
though i don't doubt that i am.
he's my whole world
and i have to say that i am actually content with that.
what a fucking rareity.

our good computer is broken.
so i'm on this stupid piece of shit in the backroom.
this makes me an unhappy woman.

mom is at work tonight.
she's working friday and sunday this weekend,
so she's not very happy that my dad is coming in saturday.
but hopefully,
that will mean that she's out of my hair
all weekend and i can go and get my ness all done without her
interfering.

anyway, alice in wonderland is on in my room
and i'm going to take my ambien
and then the movie will get seriously interesting.

Princess at 10:38 PM

*****************

Tuesday, September 14, 2004
i whispered desperately
to the box,
"if i needed you,
would you help me?"
but it was an unscored event,
a miscounted turnout.
so time was silenced while i
picked the dirt from beneath
my cuticles
and the cute tickles were momentarily frozen
by my chipping digits.
eleven, eleven twenty, thirty, forty, noon.
is it yet my turn to prop up on
my deathbed and pose?
"no,"
whispered back the box,
"but we'll talk about that later."
every eye was on me
or my bulging belly
so i wiped the hair off my face and
cried like the little baby i cultured.
is it yet my turn to prop up on my side
and declare myself
in business?
no,
but we'll get to that later.
***

the original line was
"mother."

guess who should be here.
and guess who should not be here by herself.

anyway,
i'm really tired and hungry and
my face is dry.
today has not been a very good day,
but has been very successful and
frazzling me to the point of only half-opening my eyes.

nine inch nails
is the ONLY cure.
well, that and lots and lots and lots
of sweetarts.

Princess at 6:19 PM

*****************

i called my dad this morning to tell him about everything.
we're going to talk more tonight.
he said he'll come here for me if that's what i need.

and it is.

i'm scared.

Princess at 1:32 PM

*****************

Monday, September 13, 2004
ps
did i mention the
wishing i was dead with it part?
because it's really
on my nerves.

Princess at 10:02 PM

*****************

awful.
awfulawfulawful.

i scare chad already,
which is hardly a good sign.
it would be nice if i could stop scaring people
and get someone to just...
i don't know, get it.
but for some reason,
i just suck.

i feel like everyone is leaving
or is going to leave.
i feel like i love something that i hate,
and i don't want to be attatched to.
i feel isolated and sick.
i feel like i don't want to be alive.
and worst of all,
i feel like this is never going to be over.

even though it is.

but in the process,
i feel like i'm going to lose everyone.
and i'm probably right.

fuck.

Princess at 9:55 PM

*****************

Friday, September 10, 2004
i think i'm going to puke my lungs out.
is that possible?
i'm doin it.

Princess at 3:12 PM

*****************

ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod
ohmygod.

this cannot be happening.
please.

Princess at 3:01 PM

*****************

Thursday, September 09, 2004
chad is grounded.
kick me
in the face.

my tummy hurts so bad,
it's just awful.
i'm all alone here again
and brandon just lied to my mom on the phone
and got me in all this trouble.

ugh.

Princess at 8:46 PM

*****************

I clinch and bite my knuckles white, the spotted shocks shiver up my spine. The room fades to shades of moving shadows, hippie-dancing on a crosshatch background. I sway off to the lllllllllewisdf side and convulse back to the goosebump epilepsy. This is the perfect drug for me, right Alonzo?

Princess at 1:28 AM

*****************

Wednesday, September 08, 2004
today was a bad day,
way fucking worse than yesterday.
bad, bad day.
fighting and crying and bad,
bad thoughts.

but i was good,
i didn't do anything stupid
no matter how hard i wanted to.
i was just really really upset,
and desperate for any kind of comfort at all.

but anyway,
i reconciled everything
being the overly caring person that i am
and ended up being able to pick up chad
after all.
SO
then i did most of his homework
which consisted mainly of coloring, and
we all know that this is simply happiness in a box
for moi.
and he kissed me and my tummy
and held me and loved me
and did all the right and perfect things i needed.
because he's just that damn good.

then i took him home
and good things happened
plus more tummy-kissing and loving and perfect dialogue.
and root beer, even if just a few sips.
oh yeah and repeated GET THE FUCK OUTTA HEEEERES
that i uh, did not comply with.

now i'm doing my own homework
and trying to find something long enough
to recite in speech.
i'm think chuck palahniuk
or sylvia plath
or some equally dramatic and effective piece
that i won't have to spend too much time memorizing.
oh yeah,
and i need to start this collage.
ragggggggggh.

fuck, it's already midnight.

"what would jesus NOT do??"

Princess at 11:52 PM

*****************

my butt is big again.
not as big,
but not flat.

i went to see mike this morning
and he made me talk about how much
i hate my house.
which was depressing.
all i really wanted to talk about was
chad and school and being happy
or really anything but
how much i fucking hate this place.
because i don't want to talk about it,
i'd rather just get the fuck out.

how can anyone with a mullet
take themselves seriously?

i felt really ugly this morning
but then i looked at my arm,
which is now reminding me not that i'm ugly
but that that's the only ugly part about me.

i am really icky though,
and this calls for a shower.

i'm really freaking sick today.
i threw up earlier and my tummy is murder.
eeeeew.
i think it has something to do with
that spiderbite.
not even good.

*yawn.*

Princess at 1:46 PM

*****************

Monday, September 06, 2004
i am just so happy,
i can't even believe it.

this is so unlike me.

he played more guitar for me.
i loved it so hard.
SO.

haylee wrote to me in an email
that she loves signing on to her journal because
it says
"welcome, devious bitch."
she thoroughly enjoys this,
and i enjoy that she wrote it to me.
on the front page of said journal
is a poem i wrote for her
and it makes me feel ridiculously special.
i'm the picture on her desktop,
too.
i'm glad that she misses me as much as i miss her,
even though that sounds awful.

today i went to jenn's
with nikki
and it was enjoyable.
then i picked up chad
and we stopped by the quintanas
before picking nikki back up
and going to white castle
and going to chad's for more food
and going home.

even though being around jenn is sort of really fun,
it's also pretty weird.
last night she was ragging on eriq duvall about
how he lied so much to her,
and i replied
"yeah, but you're hardly one to talk."
things got uncomfortable for a second
but i was satisfied
because i feel like she needed to hear it.

like i said though,
it's nice to be around her.
cept i don't feel like eric likes me that much.
but i don't really care.
she said if i come visit her at work
she'll give me a dilly bar,
and i'm going to start taking her on days
i don't have school
and she said she'll pay me.
it kind of sucks wretchedly to feel like
her last resort,
but at the same time that just makes me want to not
go out of my way for her
and this is good because that way she can't hurt me.

i washed the
"hateful selfish bitch"
off my mirror
and wrote
"he
loves
me"
over it.
that way when i look at myself in it,
i won't be staring back at an ugly fat bitch
but instead be smiling at the girl that he loves.
though this sounds insignificant,
it makes a world of difference.

jenn lent me this book
of sylvia plath works called
johnny panic and the bible of dreams.
it's good so far.

i have a year and twenty days
until i can sleep at night with him
worry-free.
i can't think of a better thing
ever
to look forward to.

nikki said earlier that
when she heard about chad and my
relational status,
all she could do was wonder why it took so long
to get to this point.
she says we are the most
intelligent and creative people she knows,
and that that
combined with the way we operate together
makes us perfect.
it made my day
because everyone else seems to think the complete opposite.
i love that nikki seems to think
so similarly to me sometimes.
it makes me feel more normal or something.

actually,
i just totally love nikki.
she took some really good pictures of our day,
and i can't wiat
to send them to haylee.
she's been asking for pictures of chadely and i.

i should've said i'd be over there tomorrow morning
for cinnamon rolls.
i want to see him in the morning.

Princess at 10:44 PM

*****************

hnr sTrwbrry 32: jacob is looking at my desktop while i'm typing to you, and he goes...."she's prettttty" and earlier caleb asked who it was *b/c he talks now cutely* and he goes "tier pettty"

Princess at 1:06 PM

*****************

*groans*
i wish i was with chad right now.

Princess at 11:56 AM

*****************

Sunday, September 05, 2004
and she runs
through her days
with a smile
on her face.
and she runs
and she waits
and i wait.

we can drive
to anyplace
day and night
to cross this state
and in the morning
into mexico
we will wake up.
we will wake up.
we will, yeah yeah.

i will be with her, yeah.

i find a window in the kitchen
and i let myself in,
rummage through the refrigerator
pour myself a beer.
i can't believe i'm really here
and she's lying in that bed
i can almost feel her touch
and her anxious breath.

i stumble in the hallway
outside her bedroom door.
i hear her call out to me,
i hear the fear in her voice.
she pulls the covers tighter,
i press against the door.
i will be with her tonight.
i will be with her tonight.
i will be with her tonight.
i will be with her tonight.
i will be with her tonight.

i will be with her, yeah.
***

this song is all about how much he loves me,
he said.
it's called tyler.
he played it for me yesterday
and sang.
it was the most beautiful thing.

i was supposed to go see him
this morning at 9,
and he was supposed to call me.
i woke up at 10.34
and tried to call but
no one answered.
he's gone, now.

i miss him already,
for the day and a half to come.

i went to work today.
talked to jenn
and carson
and john
and cody stewart.
i've had more efficient shifts.

he is beautiful.
it's all i can think about.
all.
i don't like it when he's away,
and i especially don't like that
i couldn't have gone with him.
that would've been way better
than whatever i'm going to end up doing,
no matter how cool it is.

jenn is going to call me soon
and i'm going to
go to her apartment.
she rented new york minute.
her mom is so unhappy that jenn contacted me
that she tried to make her
come home.

my tummy hurts
and there is no one to kiss it.
i hope that i'm starting my period.

....it's hard to walk.

Princess at 5:46 PM

*****************

best orgasm i've ever had,
hands-down.
like so good that my neck muscles shook,
my eyes rolled back in my head, and
for a few seconds i think i fainted.
it was like a full-body..
wait, full-soul
orgasm.

i feel like a new person or something.

he is so fucking good.
best i've ever had,
completely.

i am one with the universe, my friends.
***

we saw hootie and the blowfish
and it was
SO KICK ASSSSSS!
they were awesome.

the whole time though,
all i could think about was how much i loved
the way he touched me.
so i look at him and he peers back
with these gorgeous brown eyes
and i can actually feel my eyelids relaxing a little,
i'm so melted.

also,
let me just say that
i'm more daring/wild than
i let on.
haha.

earlier we were on his chair
and he locked gaze with me.
quietly he spoke
but it was the sweetest, most genuine sort of iloveyou
that i will ever get.

and that's all i currently have to say.

Princess at 2:49 AM

*****************

Saturday, September 04, 2004
ps
i smell like him
and this makes me not want
to shower,
haha.

Princess at 1:33 PM

*****************

we had a moderately upsetting
falling out, i guess you could say
last night very late
that resulted in
being on the phone until 3 in the morning
and me being completely
headoverheels
for this boy.
he is SO right for me,
even if no one else thinks so.

*lesigh*

i met his dad at the ribfest earlier in the evening
where we watched blue oyester cult
and foghorn.
totally, totally bitchin.
i didn't even mind all the carnage
that badly.

tonight we're going back to see
the skyconcert and
HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH,
which will be equally
(if not more)
bitchin.
fireworks+chad=good,goodthings.

last year,
the skyconcert was on haylee's birthday
and she, chad, cody, and i all went
with some of her family.
it was so fun.

i need to go to haylee's and
copy all of our pictures and movies.
there's one specifically
from the fourth of july that she taped
of chad and i standing on top of this building
totally transfixed on the fireworks,
and just watching the way we stood there
makes it completely apparent to me
why everyone thought we were an
"item"
long before this was so.

i woke up at 8 this morning
and drove over to his house
to crawl into bed with him.
this is totally my favorite thing ever.

i'm gaining weight,
i think,
but i don't mind.
i was looking at these pictures
of me at this time last year
and i was totally thick
but gorgeous.
why god why am i so insecure?

i've been clean for a whole week.
i'm thoroughly proud.

brandon got contacts yesterday,
and he looks about 2398372983 times younger.

my legs are in desperate need
of shaving.
oh yeah, and there is a fucking
bug bite
on my ass.

Princess at 1:06 PM

*****************

Friday, September 03, 2004
a subtle reminder
found in the traces of you
once inhaled
pain me little, these days.
however,
there is a ruptured anger vein
under my nose
and it's obvious, or should've been
how railing your skinny ass
was never a good idea
in the first place.

Princess at 4:05 PM

*****************

sometimes,
when i read things i know i shouldn't,
i think that
maybe i could just kill him and not even feel a little bit guilty
about it.
because he lies,
and he lied,
and he's a hypocrite,
and i suffered for absolutely no reason.
but somehow it's still my fault.
and this brings me to my conclusion:

thank god for chad.
or alternatively,
thank YOU chad
for saving me from what could have been.

Princess at 4:01 PM

*****************

new decision:
self-love should be
more accessible
or more possible
and it is totally my responsibility to make it that way,
especially since all my time is spent
alone
anyway.

"i'm two tenths intrapersonal,
three tenths verbal-linguistic,
and five tenths.. no, wait, that doesn't leave
any room for bodily-kinetic...
anyway,
i'm really intelligent."
i totally love him.

Princess at 3:40 PM

*****************

i went to the eye doctor today
to get a new perscription for my contacts.
my vision,
he told me,
is about
20/1600.
this is no good.

my heart is beating really fast
and has been all day.
it hurts.

"will you still love me
at three o'clock today
when i still haven't called you?"
it's two.fifty.eight.

Princess at 2:57 PM

*****************

chad on my hypoglycemia:
"just remember that
when this is happening,
you're slowly dying."

haha.

so this has to be the most annoying thing ever,
and its name happens to be
MY ALARM CLOCK WAS AN HOUR OFF
SO I WOKE UP AN HOUR EARLY
AND COULDN'T GO BACK TO SLEEP.
even more annoying is that
i don't have a real reason to get up anyway,
except that i'm picking up chad and going to denny's
soon.
rahrahrah.
ok well,
maybe that is a reason.
but anyway,
my back hurts and so does my neck and
i think this only makes my crankiness
and the earliness of this morning
more severe.

i was staring at my speech book earlier like,
wow.
i don't have any schoolwork to do.
and i wish that i did.
this was a sad moment in my head,
because what kind of teenager wishes
they had schoolwork to do?
only me.
of course.

yesterday
we babysat kris,
but really we just
uh, were all over eachother.
which is the perfectness way i like it.
so there.

i laid in the dark with him last night,
and even though i couldn't see or hear or think
i ran my fingers across his smooth skin
and knew that everything was fine
because he was there,
or i was there with him.

i love rain.
a lot.
it has this steady rhthym,
a pounding one that is half dry/half wet
and good for my brain
since it seems to lack rhyme and reason and such.

speaking of which,
my head should stop hurting
right
now.
NOW.

Princess at 6:08 AM

*****************

Thursday, September 02, 2004
semester one, three, eight
i will wear
on you, less good than horrific
like one, three, eight
stabs for every half a smile
you will suffer.
i twinkle my eyes directly to
your liking,
shift left to right to straight out
and scream
to pierce your ears with sweet and sour
atonement.
i was disguised as the girl of your dreams,
but indeed
i am the black death
of your nightmares.
***

no- really.
"i really do love you."
and i believe him.

Princess at 4:07 PM

*****************

i guess along with a fast paced development,
so comes an all-too-soon wear-down
that should have been postponed for at least
another year.
but no.
it's short times, like those, that make me doubt myself.
however.
an altogether decision was made yesterday
in the circumfrence of my too-large pupils
that lapses shall not mean an end
and fuck everything that isn't getting me well.
ev
ree
thing.

i have an hour before school begins
and bangs to curl.
punkin is here, painting a mural
and my feelings are crushed because i can't
be part of it.
raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawr.

the lower half of my arms are very, very skinny.

Princess at 9:39 AM

*****************

Wednesday, September 01, 2004
i don't even want to elaborate
on anything right now.
it's safe to leave it at
just..
not good.

except that
i had my best kiss i've ever had earlier
to fastball
in my car
in my driveway
and also that i love the monopoly boxers.
((and his total face.))

and that
i'm the worst best friend
ever.

Princess at 12:50 AM

*****************