"god, why does your personality suck so much??"
even last halloween kicked this one's ass.
it's my dad's birthday, i really wanted to call him but now i'm freaking out so bad that i don't think i could talk to him.
haylee isn't coming home.
she can't talk to me anymore.
and when she visits, she isn't allowed to see me.
((material previously posted here was deleted for provocative content.))
but see haylee,
haylee's always got love for me.
just like i've always got it for her.
haylee and i, we don't really get mad at eachother.
we've still only had one real fight.
maybe we do a lot of stupid stuff,
or ok we do a lot of really stupid stuff,
but it's so great because no matter how stupid anything ever is,
it's great fun with haylee.
we don't need drugs or entertainment or anything else to have fun.
because haylee and i,
we only need eachother to be content.
there are definitely things we disagree on.
but we don't have to argue about them,
no matter how strongly we disagree.
we like to laugh, so we do,
even when we're upset or angry or mad.
no matter how far out my thoughts get,
haylee can understand them.
we can say something that makes absolutely no sense
and the other will get it.
"THAT MAKES SO SENSE!"
when i'm being stupid, and i know i'm being stupid,
i can call haylee up and tell her that i'm being so stupid
but that i'm still really upset
and she will listen and hold me until we can laugh.
which is not usually very long.
and i love doing the same for her.
sometimes we're both total bitches,
or actually more like most of the time,
but somehow it seems to cancel out between the two of us.
the things i hate about everyone else,
i love them about haylee.
and she's so beautiful,
she's always so stunningly beautiful.
i've never met anyone else who was so morbid, either,
or anyone else who could laugh at really morbid things.
so we laugh at all the really horrible morbid things that happen to us,
and somehow it really makes everything better.
i can't laugh like that with anyone else.
because no one else really gets it.
but haylee and i,
we always get it.
i'm into some pretty different things than she is,
but we share passionate love for all the really important things
like fern gully, fazoli's, deviousness, and crazy pictures.
and passionate hate for all the things that suck.
like life, and faces.
we've been through a lot together,
but every shitty thing has just made us even closer.
in fact, i'm closer to haylee than i've ever been to anyone else.
even though she's so fucking far away.
we can talk about things that we could never utter to another person,
secrets and opinions and such.
i trust her so much
that i'm not anxious with her.
and we're both totally honest with eachother,
which i think is really rare.
other people probably think the two of us are just really stupid.
but to quote a previous analogy,
haylee is like my left leg.
and sawing it off will ultimately result in dying of blood loss.
i love her
so fucking much.
chad is driving to bloomington tomorrow to pick up justin.
he said maybe he'd take me with him,
but that's really unlikely now.
i want to go underwear shopping anyway,
and it's half off clearance at work.
trick-or-treating happened for an hour at the mall today,
and i got to be the one to pass out candy.
it made me really happy,
because by the time i got off work,
everyone was already done trick-or-treating
and i missed all the halloween fun.
i didn't even get to see my brothers dressed up.
fuck, i don't even know what brandon was.
i never even got to carve a pumpkin,
and i wanted to do that really bad.
we went to the movies to see saw.
i laughed a lot, and i found it really predictable.
oh NO! not ANOTHER ridiculously unlikely bizarro twist pertaining to the killer's identity/figuring out his method of madness!
there were a couple of really good scenes,
like this girl with a trap on her face,
but one of the two main characters was really poorly scripted and didn't exactly make up for it with quality acting, either.
it was just so painfully bizarre and unlikely
that i found it hilarious.
chad was like, really bent out of shape
that i didn't like the movie.
enough so that he felt the need to tell me my personality sucked.
i guess he thought that because i found it predictable and he didn't
that it means i'm cocky?
he also thinks that if it was a bigger budget film
OR starred brad pitt
OR someone called it indie
then i would've taken it seriously.
the effects actually weren't that bad.
we ended up in a fight because
his opinion is always right
and that opinion usually has to do with how much i suck,
and i don't appreciate that very much.
today his opinion was that i'm full of myself
and that i think i could teach a computer
and he knows what is going on in my brain.
accordingly, i verbally didn't appreciate this.
because it was stupid,
i don't know how he draws so many stupid conclusions from my opinion of a movie,
but i guess i should know by now
that i better pretend to like whatever he does
or else it will result in the uncovering of some huge personality flaw.
i'm tired.
Princess at 11:23 PM
we went to a costume party.
dan's car was eaten.
chad lost his wallet twice.
we went to the octagon.
and his car.
i played half of a card game.
when we were in his car,
he stopped to tell me that
he wants to be with me forever.
me and just me.
forever.
and it was like,
OMG WHO NEEDS ANY DRUG EVER WHEN I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY WITH HIM ALL THE TIME?
that nurse outfit
is actually really comfy.
we fell asleep together last night in his car
and it was beautiful.
me in the arms of the boy who wants to love me forever.
and me sprawled out all over the only boy who could ever be so perfect for me.
euphoria.
he loves it when i ask questions i already know the answer to.
and he loves my self-esteem issues.
i held him during the wallet fiasco,
because he was so sad that he lost even more money.
he said this wasn't the last time it was going to happen,
and i laughed a little because i knew it wasn't.
but i don't care, i hope i'm there every time he loses something
so that i can kiss his cute little face
and make him less sad.
i've got everything he needs.
Princess
at 10:41 AM
magic johnson.
*giggle*
why does everyone put starry things around everything now?
it's so weird, i've always done that.
maybe i'm just naturally hip and happening.
HAHAHAH.
anyway, i really love my boyfriend.
a lot.
we had so much freaking fun yesterday.
i started my period yesterday morning,
but i haven't bled any since then.
i went to get my iud put in but
my cervix wouldn't dialate, so it didn't happen.
it was really scary,
i mean how bad it hurt.
not the office part, or the susan part.
but she put these stabbing tweezer-looking things
with scissor handles
in me to grasp the dumb cervix,
and it felt like
i don't even know, it was really fucking painful though.
and i had to lay there as relaxed as i possibly could
with my legs in these saddle things and this big speculum in my cunt
with scissors prodding around stabbing my insides,
so it was just uncomfortable.
anyway, monday morning i go in so they can put something in me
(she described it as like a mini-tampon, it's what they give women to induce labor)
that will dialate my cervix,
and then tuesday morning i go in with my cervix ready
to be iud-ified.
i was driving chad to work today
when we drove through this big swirling
leafy pile-thing,
and it was just amazingly gorgeous.
today is going to be a really fun day, also.
except that i really wish haylee was here,
and i kinda really wish i would've gone to see her instead of being here.
Princess
at 11:39 AM
"i can't believe you can degrade yourself like that and call yourself a feminist,
you hypocritical bitch."
Princess
at 3:48 PM
chad called right after i finished the last entry.
i went to john's for awhile.
it was fun.
then i went to work in the dress i bought.
except now
i wish that i never bought that stupid dress.
and also i'm going to have to find something else to wear to work
on saturday and sunday.
i don't have anything positive to write,
at all.
i'm going to cry.
Princess
at 3:00 AM
i bought my halloween costume this morning
because i have to dress up to go to work tonight.
it's cute.
chad didn't call me today
and he isn't at home.
my mom is at the movies with kris.
she decided she felt better, so i don't even have to pick brandon up from school.
not that it matters, since i don't have anything to do now anyway.
and i had all kinds of time while i was out
and i really wanted to go underwear shopping
but i knew chad would be all mad if i went without him
so i didn't.
but that's what i wish i was doing.
Princess
at 2:01 PM
AndrogynousXtian: oh shit theres a line in a hole song that made me think of you, or wht you would say
ggglittersoresss: what is it?
AndrogynousXtian: its like... hes drunk, he tastes like candy, its so beautiful
((that is totally one of my favorite lines EVER.))
and
Princess
at 1:12 AM
"When the Lord first spoke through Hosea, the Lord said to Hosea, "Go, take for yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the Lord. So he went and took Gomer daughter of Diblaim, and she conceived and bore him a son."--Hosea 1:2-3
nature really IS a whore!!!
***
so i learned that maybe i'm also
a severely jealous person.
or at least that i can experience
SEVERE JEALOUSY.
*hah*.
who would've guessed it?
today was a good day.
chad makes my life really, really good.
Princess
at 11:50 PM
cooma chad: PMPlayer987: did u make a porno earlier with no plot
Princess
at 5:02 PM
"MDMA is a wonderful place to visit, but you're in for trouble if you try to live there."
chad gave me a bracelet today.
it's so gorgeous.
he has totally no idea how much it means to me.
that is to say,
a hell of a lot.
he's my favorite at life.
we had realllllllllllllllllllllllly good ness today.
and he was really beautiful, just like every other day.
we were kissing
post-ness
and he said he had a present he wanted to give to me right then
and omg i felt so fucking special
i can't even
omg.
*faint*
he said other people probably find our love sickening.
i laughed.
if i had seen us before i was half of us,
i probably would've been sick.
BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE BECAUSE I'M SO HAPPY
AND
I HOPE WE'RE SO CUTE THAT EVERYONE ELSE JUST PUKES.
i am the luckiest girl in the wholest wide world.
Princess
at 1:20 AM
and
i seriously hope i'm good at workshops.
oh, and i have grape soda.
Princess
at 1:08 AM
i don't think i'm rid of this urinary tract infection.
i'm starting to hurt reallllly bad again.
what the fuck, why won't this go away?
if i have to go to the stupid hospital again,
i'm going to be really shitty.
today is going to be such a good day.
last night was fun,
i stayed up forever playing doom 3.
it was like being six,
i was so scared of this stupid video game.
except now it's THREE TIMES THE TERRIFYINGNESS of when i used to play it.
i learned a lot about tires last night,
too.
wade lives in this giant warehouse-turned-househouse.
the floors are all like sanded wood stuff
with a bunch of sawdust,
and the entire bottom level is nothing but a garage
with all his mechanic stuff everywhere.
there's no yard, because it's all gravel,
and his dining room-kitchen-area
is filled with a line of computers and a couple couches.
i totally love it.
ooooooooh and i slept with the same kind of comforter
that i laid with chad in the other night.
i've been meaning to note for days
that there is a really pretty telephone pole
on banta
covered in red ivy.
everytime i drive past it, i can't stop staring at it
(which is probably not a good thing, seeing as how i'm driving)
because it's so seriously beautiful
and simple.
chad's driveway smelled like fall
and he kissed me in the sunlight.
it was like a picture-perfect moment.
like his picture-perfect face.
and body.
omg.
also, i was thinking how it's really hilarious
that i'm more prone to freak out sober
than tripping.
OMG IN LIKE SIX HOURS I WILL BE MAKING OUT WITH CHAD.
AAAAAAAAAH.
(this is where my thoughts always go back to, hahah.)
Princess
at 5:13 AM
i'm watching american pie 3
and totally cracking up.
at my uncle's house
with him and my dad and another uncle
and they fixed my car all up
and decided they want to get me a job at douglass inc
for like eight bucks an hour.
when i got here,
i could totally tell they just smoked hella pot,
which was hilarious.
they were listening to bob marley,
sitting around drinking and eating pizza and talking about all this stupid shit.
hilarious.
how do you stray so far from someone
only to end up just like them?
anyway,
i have to take my dad to the airport at like 5 in the morning
and then i'm going to go home and sleep
and then when i get up, everyone else will be getting out of school
so i can go party with them.
mmm and spend all day with chad.
jesus christ,
life is so fucking good like this.
earlier we were talking about
how i should just get my GED
because homeschool is kind of a serious waste of time.
i wonder if my mom will let me do that.
maybe i should say i'm taking the next year to study
so i could still use the whole free art space and supply thing at school.
because that's really nice.
woah, chad is really awesome and also really mine.
and i am totally really his.
that's really awesome, fuck.
k well i'm going to go get a drink or something.
Princess
at 11:53 PM
"this is like ecstacy."
that is SO REFERRING TO ME.
woah.
today was a really good day.
this is the third one in a row.
fourth?
yeah.
HOW FUCKING AWESOME.
it's all chad,
completely.
being with him=happiness in a box.
cooma chad: okay hey, im not on for long
cooma chad: just wanna say your cool
cooma chad: *ultimate hugsies*
last night, he kept saying
"what if it gets old?"
but i really don't think this is going to get old.
i mean, i'm like constantly euphoric and appreciative.
i've never really been able to just like
..be happy.
i need to go make myself eat some more.
god damn,
it's worn off but i still feel like really elated.
this is great.
Princess
at 9:38 PM
i am so elated.
i can still feel him all over me,
taste and touch and smell.
he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
my cheekbones are like plastered upward here,
and like my teeth are clenching really bad,
but i think that's because the light of the computer is like really fucking with my eyes.
mmmmmmmm
i am stuck in this moment with him,
even though it's over.
we were on this big comfy bed with big comfy white comforters,
the light and fluffy cotton kind that don't stick to you or are icky.
and he was so happy
SO happy
and it was awesome, it was so awesome.
i really wish i was with him right now.
but it's a good thing that i didn't risk it,
because jerry and kris and brandon were all awake when i got home
so if i would've stayed out later, they would've known.
and i'm really dead set on this
"getting back my freedom"
thing because it means more time i can be with him
instead of sitting around on the phone with him.
because it's true-
we can't fight in person.
but phones are easy to fight on.
anyway.
everything was so clean and beautiful.
god.
i didn't think this would ever really happen to me.
but we're perfect.
Princess
at 11:45 PM
i'm feeling really good right about now.
everything is perfect
except that this computer screen won't stay still.
i really, really love chad.
and i wish haylee was here.
Princess
at 8:48 PM
also,
my scientific name would be
cuteius babius stellaus.
Princess
at 11:47 AM
we had a short morning together.
we hadn't had one in forever.
it was really, really nice.
i broke my glasses.
alkdjicisiwne;aiojc;isea
he's so gorgeous at life.
Princess
at 11:39 AM
"you guys should get married."
that reminded me of how the other day
chad said it wouldn't be worth it, marrying me
because it would mean being related to my family.
we had an awesome night.
i mean, it was like the highlight of my forever.
the village was interesting.
he is way more interesting.
burning passion.
x1000000000.
he is seriously such a good boyfriend.
like,
so much better than i could've imagined.
and he makes me feel so much better about everything.
i am so, so grateful.
"Youre the Cutest Babiest (its a word) stella in training Iv seen since forever. Tonight shall be grand w/ grand entrances from stellas and chads
LOVELYLOVELOVE
Chad
ps
Remember to be happy or ill kill you
Formula for tonight
you plus me plus drugs without doggies w/ sides of food eqauls hapPenis
++-+= J
HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY"
i like laughed forever when i got that.
my car ran out of gas today taking brandon home from school
so chad came and saved me.
and i mean SAVED because everyone else couldn't come get me
but he didn't even know that,
he just came to my rescue anyway because he's so cool.
i'm going to go fantasize about him some
I MEAN
go watch tv.
Princess
at 1:04 AM
today contained really good quotes
that i made mental notes to write in here
but then i forgot.
chad's dog ate my favorite shoes.
but all day until she ate them,
i felt really sexy in them.
they were precious barbie shoes.
today i was all dressed up for the speech i didn't give,
and i realized that the lower half of my legs are really,
really skinny.
i mean, i guess not particularly skinnier than other girls my size,
but a lot freaking skinnier than they used to be.
like little sticks
and not big muscular big things.
also,
having visible hipbones is really nice,
since they're like my favorite body part and now i have some.
i really enjoy not being fat,
even though i probably looked better fat.
chad is all i ever think about.
he's acted really happy lately whenever he's with me.
which is great when i'm all elated and he's all elated.
OH.
"you're like a junior stella."
"is that why you love me?"
"no, i love you because your body is so soft."
this always makes me laugh
because i'm probably not any softer than any other girl.
him and his disillusionment with my physicality
is just fantastic.
ealier we were all making out
and he was being his hottness little self
and i thought,
god dammit this boy is so good at life
and beautiful
and so way too good for me.
BUT HE IS SO MINE.
craziness to my brain.
i don't get beautiful good things like that,
this is so rare for me.
but... he likes me, this beautiful good thing
ENJOYS me.
what a total ultimate self-esteem boost.
a much larger fraction of my life
should be spent all elated with him
AND SOON WILL BE.
how awesome.
more hilariously accurate astrology
**an excerpt from an article on scorpio sexuality**:
"Admirers should be ready and willing to be consumed, if they wish to get the best from you. Also, if they are looking for some powerful sexual pleasure, they need look no further."
Princess
at 1:05 AM
cooma chad: call me
cooma chad: ....if you want it.
and i had it.
earlier i went to taco bell
and to chad's.
and OMG RELIEVED.
yup.
earlier in the day when i posted he was good at life
i was just kidding
because i really meant
FUCKING AMAZING.
i've never liked south park
but i watch it a lot now because it makes me think of him.
and i don't even hate it as bad now.
i'm cooking fake chicken nuggets.
tomorrow, i'm ALLOWED
to see him.
which is so exciting i can't even take it.
i have to catch up all my damn schoolwork in order to leave tomorrow though,
which sucks because it's only caught up to the beginning of august.
FUUUUUCK.
i didn't do my speech in class today
because i didn't feel like it.
which is a stupid reason to fail a 100 point assignment.
but i was stressed out, so i was going to do really badly if i got up i front of everyone anyway.
might as well have saved myself the panic.
oh man.
sex.
chad should write me more hilarious emails,
and haylee should write me more emails that contain more than one sentence
and should tell me what the hell is going on with her
because i haven't talked to her in like, days.
anyway, she told xtian today that she IS coming home,
which is good news to my brain.
i really hope she's coming home.
REALLY.
THE NON-CHICKEN IS DONE!!
Princess
at 11:24 PM
SO
my mom is gone
and i have permission to leave.
WHERE IS CHAD????
*dead*
Princess
at 6:46 PM
I SMELL LIKE HIM
ALL OVER, IT SMELLS SO GOOD
OMG I'M LIKE SNIFFING MYSELF HERE.
bluscluroxmywrld: i got a c on a test in us hsitory and the whoel class was shocked.. bluscluroxmywrld: oh well
bluscluroxmywrld: i didnt even knwo we had a test that day
bluscluroxmywrld: and for my ansers i wrote shit like The Colon Bowel Moment, or Whogivesacrap.., or Squash.. gotta love fill int he blanks
AndrogynousXtian: your a free-k on the inside
ggglittersoresss: haha
ggglittersoresss: i'm a free-k with a candy shell
ggglittersoresss: sugar-coat
i got a new tire.
today ms. galloway told me that
i have a lot of potential or that i can move mountains or something,
and that i HAVE to accomplish all that i can now
because i don't have a baby standing in my way.
and that excelling will be a tribute
to it
because i make myself in the name of its absence.
which actually made me even more
positive and ambitious.
talking to her about it is nicer than what everyone else has to say
because it's not like being trapped in some kind of nightmare.
susan was really nice to me today, too.
i was like terrified of going there
because my mom has talked to her so much
and i had to get another stupid pelvic exam
but she was calm and collected
and supportive.
she said it was really unfair to me how i can't have any stupid birth control
except this expensive iud shit,
and that she'll work on getting discounts and not charge office fees and stuff.
also, that condoms are still not a good idea
since i'm so likely to be allergic to stupid latex.
and that she called a bunch of doctors who matter in the birth control field to talk about my blood problems and options with them,
which is nice that she goes out of her way to do.
and also nice that they're not going to put me on something that's going to kill me.
i can't have the stupid depo-provera shot like i wanted, either,
because apparently it contains too high a dose of progesterone for my blood to handle.
i'm stuck with this iud.
and not even a regular iud,
it's one with this little thing on it,
because a regular one won't work for me either.
WHY AM I SO PHYSICALLY FUCKED?
nevermind, back to the okness.
so i went to chad's today
and once again, HE IS SO FUCKING EVERYTHING I COULD EVER ASK FOR
PLUS SEVENTY THOUSAND ZILLION JILLION BILLION.
((that's a lot.))
he got his hair cut.
it's cute, and attractive.
but he's always attractive, always.
all his pretty curls will grow back out.
Princess
at 5:52 PM
love, via email:
"Please Come over today i need to barrow some suga. also. if your love was a disease, it would be consumption. I think we should buy a RV and travel the world. with emphasis on florida, and seattle. that is all
Love
Chadely Erica Brizendine"
there was a pretty pink and seafoam green leaf on the ground
with my shoeprint in it.
i wanted to take a picture, but i have no fucking film.
one time when i was really upset
and i was crying to haylee,
i said something like
"WHAT KIND OF LOSER EATS WAFFLES?"
and then we started laughing.
she should be here so we could laugh at everything that sucks,
things i'm not listing here because this is pure goodness.
except that my tire EXPLODED
today,
which was the first time i'd ever seen anything like that.
chad said they're made of all pressure,
like 23 times the pressure of the atmosphere.
i guess i already knew that,
but for some reason when he said that i really thought about it
(why is it that things become more valid when he says them?)
and i was like... that's really awesome.
what would it be like to live in a tire?
my face would be all squished, like when you squish your face on a window.
i saw him for all of five minutes,
and that was good.
he gets all mopey about me not being there.
which is cute, way cuter than my kind of mopey.
also,
Princess
at 5:58 PM
faulty fingers fluttering
she emancipates
estimates of 4987394857
in the face of a case
of 100% heart-break.
snap the shots of
anchored arrows,
destination eight hours
and four years before.
or maybe a couple ahead.
i miss you.
Princess
at 1:56 AM
bluscluroxmywrld: because you know were soul mates for sure.
awwwww
AWWWWWWWWW
AWWWWWWWWW
!!
Princess
at 1:17 AM
bluscluroxmywrld: my tadpole has a cute mouth
PRECIOUS AT LIFE.
earlier when i was in the car,
for some reason i remembered
how haylee used to scrunch her face up like a little troll and go
"I'M PARCHED"
and how hard that would make me crack up.
i laughed for like ten minutes.
also,
i was thinking about that time i almost killed us
at the banta intersection
because we missed a head-on collision with a white car by less than a foot,
and in the second i saw it coming and thought i was going to die,
the last thing i thought of was white chocolate raisins.
and when we pulled away,
neither of us could breathe for a few seconds,
but as soon as we caught our breath
both our immediate reactions was to CRACK UP LAUGHING.
why is death so hilarious to us?
who knows.
but it was SO FUNNY.
i think we almost wrecked because we were blowing kisses to guys on motorcycles or something.
how like us.
man, i am so normal right now
that i just wrote the bitchinest speech EVER
for my dumb speech class.
it looks more like an essay, but once i have it memorized, then it will be a speech, totally.
i haven't been able to write-
like REAL writing, the way i usually do-
in forever.
the last thing i scholastically wrote was chad's paper on half days,
and nothing for weeks before that.
but after this awesomely awesome day,
all these words just starting flowing right out of my fingertips,
and it was so good to feel like myself again.
bluscluroxmywrld: anywho the idea of you destined for lesbianism is way hot
i liked kris's blue slush thing from dairy queen
way more than i liked my red one.
it was all sourey and stuff.
yeah since i was sent off to dairy queen
i went back to chad's like the rebelly little rebel that i am
and took him a dilly bar,
haha.
we kissed for like five seconds,
which i needed
(because i always need, hah).
we spent the day (err afternoon) together rocking at life.
because we do that.
him moreso than me.
but that's ok, the association makes me awesome.
BACK TO THE KICKASS ESSAY-SPEECH.
Princess
at 11:52 PM
more hilarious in-depth astrological viewpoints of our relationship
(written to scorpios):
"Scorpio and Libra Mars the warrior and Pluto, the lord of the underworld, are the planetary rulers of powerful Scorpio. Venus, the goddess of love and beauty, rules high-minded Libra. Thus the meeting of Scorpion and Scales is an encounter of passionate Mars and tasteful Venus. If the planets favour it, this may be the glorious romance of mysteriously different natures.
However, it's one thing to succeed between the sheets, where Mars and Venus thrive, but effort is needed to move from a cruisy coupling to a true companionship. If you're both prepared to adjust, you can make it work. Scorpio is a Fixed Sign, ruling death and rebirth. Libra is a Cardinal Sign, ruling partnership and cooperation. Where cardinal and fixed meet, there is a struggle for control. Cardinal signs are natural leaders, but your Fixed nature won't take orders, or fall meekly in behind. Scorpio is proud. Once roused, you never give up a struggle. Discuss your needs and concerns, or your union will flounder.
Fortunately, the Scales is inclined to debate almost everything. But therein lies a problem. Scorpio is secretive. You use insight to judge, often concealing what you think, rather than wearing your heart on your sleeve. The Scales weighs and balances ideas in search of fair solutions. Libra loves talking things through. What happens when talkative Air comes up against secretive Water? This is where you compromise. Scales talks to understand, but you prefer to hold your ground within. If you can't meet halfway, you won't stay an item for long.
You're both passionate beings, but Scales is an idealist where you're a realist. Scorpio is a schemer who takes time in the inner sanctum. Friends may call you stubborn. Scales loves a wider view and loves to embrace new or changing ideas.
You'll clash bitterly unless you can agree to disagree on tricky topics. The Libran sense of fairness sits uneasily with your capacity for ruthless action. Scales takes others into account instinctively, where you do so only if it's important. You can deliver a verbal sting if you lose patience, but the stylish Scales is forever the diplomat.
Libra can be indecisive, but you will be strangely patient with this, Scorpio. Your fixed energy endows you with passionate loyalty once committed. Air loves debate, but not fighting, where you have a deep rage when roused. You're possessive in love where airy Scales values partnership deeply, but doesn't want to be controlled.
This is a difficult match and may work best if there are business interests in common. Even then you may not always understand the mystery of each other. Take time if you want this."
the libran perspective was a lot, lot more positive.
but this one was funny.
it says "passionate"
more than once.
mine mentioned something about psychic tendencies.
aaaaaaah
it's so funny, and so true.
Princess
at 6:21 PM
i just remembered this one time when haylee wrote me an email
telling me how amazingly gorgeous i was.
totally special.
last night i was having complete lindsay flashbacks
because we were watching church lady.
SALLY O'MALLEY,
omg.
i still have that shirt.
i still wear it.
i can't even stop thinking about him.
Princess
at 6:10 PM
what a beautiful day.
everything about it.
i spent time with him-
the free kind, alone, and long.
the first time i've felt ok in a really long time.
he loves me
so much,
as in it's a mutual thing.
he thinks i'm as beautiful as i think he is.
omg, that's the most amazing thing ever.
he's so freaking hot.
he wrote this gorgeous and a half song.
just
total sex.
Princess
at 5:51 PM
ggglittersoresss: sex deprived fuck
ggglittersoresss: woah, that's like, a paradox
cooma chad: hey toots
ggglittersoresss: hah, that looks like toots
ggglittersoresss: like what a boat does
ggglittersoresss: HILARIOUS
AndrogynousXtian: go u are in a great mood
AndrogynousXtian: im so happy for you
ggglittersoresss: me too
ggglittersoresss: i snuck out and went to see chad, haha
ggglittersoresss: now i'm all better
Princess
at 6:52 PM
i snuck and went to see him.
he needs me.
we made out.
i stayed a lot longer than i intended to, again.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
it was so good.
SO GOOD.
also, i rented good movies.
and i'm about to write a really good speech.
oooh.
Princess
at 6:39 PM
hahahha.
"There is much sympathetic magnetism between these two signs. While Scorpio is the more dominant sign of the two, the libran's beauty and sense of fair play appeal to Scorpios good judgment. Libra sees all the virtues that she admires in Scorpio, for scorpio's sex drive is all libra's hope to be. There is much to recommend this union, for they have many sympathies in common.
Librans are sentimental and susceptible as lovers. This seems to be appealing to scorpio's dominant and possessive urges. AS long as libra does not hurt scorpio's pride, Librians will find what they are looking for when they marry a Scorpio.
There is a strong sexual attraction here, but libra may find scorpio's intense nature a bit overwhelming.
Common goals and shared interests could avert any difficulties."
Princess
at 1:06 PM
i woke up this morning
listening to a beautiful thunderstorm
but not having to get out of my big velvety blanket.
gorgeous.
i dreamt about him all night.
Princess
at 11:33 AM
OH YEAH
i found these really cute little pearl earrings in my room today,
and a bunch of matches to my other earrings
that i've been looking for.
Princess
at 1:00 AM
repeat of last week.
"i wish i made you as happy as you make me."
"me too."
i really didn't want another relationship.
but i love him too much to let him go.
i meant what i said.
he's my favorite thing ever.
***
and i decided that
i don't want to completely hide/delete this.
from now on,
i'm just going to only record the things that make me happy
or stuff that i'm indifferent to
and let everything else go.
negativity can be saved for artwork and poetry.
period.
so to start the new trend,
i want to write that i drove by a really pretty tree today
that was half orange and half red.
other things worth writing:
*he looks really good in my blue shirt.
*we went to olive garden.
*church wasn't even that bad, especially since he touched me the whole time.
*i sat on his lap in the car.
*jim bricker has a really funny accent.
*i thought about haylee a lot today.
*cosmo does have lots of awesome stuff to cut up and collage, even if the contents are all bullshit.
*starting tomorrow, i can exercise.
now i'm going to lay down.
Princess
at 11:31 PM
jerry is such an asshole.
i hate him so fucking much it hurts me to breathe.
i am so tired of being treated like this.
Princess
at 10:10 PM
"i'm so glad i know you."
Princess
at 9:19 PM
i toss my shell up for sale
with a little picket sign
plastered in between my boobs,
blocking view of my hideous face.
ROOM FOR RENT,
and only the most spacious quarters available.
i spread myself thin
or wide,
what can i do for you?
sex sells,
baby,
and i know how to make a profit.
***
he was surprised to know that i'm
not as big of a cumdumpster as he thought.
i'm never writing about this again.
Princess
at 4:51 PM
pain.
I LOVE HIM, OMG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.
and he totally loves me.
SO FUCK YOU LOW SELF-IMAGE.
i'm really tired.
lindsay's journal talks about missing me,
loving me.
i wish she had any idea how terribly i really miss her.
it's so weird to have found something so amazing
and know that it's still there
but i can't have it.
*sigh*.
i miss haylee, also.
not having your best friends sucks really badly.
Princess
at 4:22 PM
i just remembered the OTHER dream i had last night.
this one's crazy.
i was a mermaid wearing temporary legs, and my friends and i were in this house owned by old retired navy seals.
the house was filled with little sea trinkets and such, and i was studying them when the old lady mentioned something abouther husband needed to start taking his pills again, because apparently he stopped or something.
so i wandered into the next room to inspect some more trinkets when i found an odd antique makeup bag. when i went to open it, these GIANT PILLS (like, as big as my hand) rolled out the side, so i picked one up. they felt like chalk and broke really easily, but sure enough, etched into the top was XANAX in huge print. we jammed as many as we could into our pockets and left.
then we got into someone's car and started eating them. they were a lot like white smarties. i got reeeeeeally fucked up reaaaaaaaallly fast.
then i don't remember what happened for awhile.
but then we were on a ship, and we got off the boat (without tying it down to anywhere, it just stayed in the same place) and onto this ledge where we were trying to sunbathe. but then a fin came out of the water moving faster and faster and faster towards us and A SHARK JUMPED OUT OF THE WATER AND LUNGED AT ME. i don't know how i escaped. all i know is that that shark suddenly transformed into a baby killer whale, who bit one of my merfriends in the face and left this big long red line. all the sudden, i was on the boat, popping xanax.
then we went back to the old people's house and for a long time i stared at this ceramic little clown.
ok i am so fucked up it's not even funny.
Princess
at 3:17 AM
i forgot to write the other day
about how nikki and i had this really
refreshing talk.
it's nice to have another friend who's so.. reclusive
and understands that i just CAN'T
be in constant close contact with many of my friends
(like, more than two).
we're in agreement
that it's nice to have eachother since
we click so well when together
but can still then go and do our own thing for awhile.
i'm getting better at the people thing though,
which has so much to do with chad it's ridiculous.
like i said before,
we never see any of my friends because i am ridiculously reclusive
and just don't talk to people very often.
anyway, i totally love her.
Princess
at 1:10 AM
nikki and i are going to see josh's band
at the strangebrew coffee house, whatever the hell that is.
to see this beautiful boy that she wants to learn how to make coffee for,
haha.
ooh and it's free.
which is always good when you're BROKE AS FUCK.
earlier my dad called
and said to get ready because my aunt was coming to pick me up to buy ski stuff.
which was weird.
but anyway we went and were there for like five hours
because it was ridiculously crowded
because it was a store-closing sale
and because we had to buy just about a bajillion things for a bajillion people.
but i got a pretty mint-green jacket with fake fur,
which is just about the most awesomely hilarious jacket for skiing ever.
AGH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT SPENDING A WEEK IN WISCONSIN,
I'VE BEEN WAITING JUST ABOUT FOREVER.
i'm going to see lindsay SO HARD
and it will rock my fucking cunt right off.
even if it's not till xmas.
which it's not.
i had a dream last night that
i was at some really obscure, classic-looking ice cream store
in a really bad neighborhood
and my car got stolen,
so my parents disowned me.
weeeeeeird.
i can't believe i'm starting to remember my dreams.
that means i'm building a tolerance to ambien,
WHICH IS NOT GOOD.
rrrrrgh.
i saw an ambien commercial on cartoon network the other day,
and it said that the recommended time
for ambien use was like, two weeks.
which made me laugh.
I WISH MY INSOMNIA WENT AWAY AFTER TWO WEEKS,
THAT WOULD BE REALLY REALLY NICE.
but it's the same with antidepressant commercials
that say something about
needing antidepressants if your symptoms last
persistently for more than two weeks or something.
it makes me uncomfortable that
there isn't really a cure for long-term problems with this stuff.
it's like,
why would you get put on medicine if you were only having problems with it for two weeks?
i mean, how does your brain only get imbalanced for a short amount of time?
therapy is supposed to be the answer for chronic anything, i guess.
but i fucking hate therapy,
i fucking HATE THERAPISTS.
they can't tell me anythign about myself that i don't already know.
anyway, i feel really hopelessly insane.
my aunt said that i look just like my mom.
..she knew my mom at this age.
i'm going to look just like her when i'm older.
i'm really, really glad
that i'm not so identical to her personality.
Princess
at 5:55 PM
"contemporary art is sex."
-magazine in ms. bredemus's room.
Princess
at 10:12 PM
AndrogynousXtian: we should start a clinic for people with no lives.....so then they could have a life
ggglittersoresss: and that clinic will be called
ggglittersoresss: DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
ggglittersoresss: and it will be filled with
ggglittersoresss: DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS
AndrogynousXtian: thatd be all to nice
AndrogynousXtian: then wed get busted
AndrogynousXtian: and be in jail jail jail
ggglittersoresss: NEVER! N-N-N-NEVER NEVER!
AndrogynousXtian: hahaha
AndrogynousXtian: thats like every rap song ever!!
this made my night.
also,
I HATE MY FUCKIN FAMILY.
Princess
at 9:03 PM
today i came up with this realllly rockin sketch.
it's the study of my collarbones that i was planning on
except there are big milk jugs
right over my boobs.
and i'm going to paint it,
and it's going to be amazing.
hopefully.
sex.
exhiliration.
it didn't hurt this time.
god, oh god.
((the visit was exquisite))
the weather severely affected my mood today.
it's gray, autumn-post-rainey-gray.
and though i find it SO beautiful,
it just sucks out all my energy for some reason.
like the melancholy tone just
infects me and makes me want to lie still in it for hours.
it's odd how a gray sky
can tone down all the other colors under it.
i must be a sick person for liking gray skies.
what i DON'T LIKE
is how fucking cold it is.
I HATE BEING COLD.
winter is already creeping in,
which i severely dread.
....sometimes i look at him
and find myself in a few frozen seconds of utter awe.
HE'S SO PRETTY,
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S MINE.
i want more free time,
please.
and not the kind i have, where i'm free of occupation.
i want the kind of time where i'm free.
Princess
at 3:53 PM
my newfound addiction to
head automatica
is becoming less and less guilty
of a pleasure.
THEY'RE JUST SO FUCKING GOOD TO MY BRAIN
ALL THE TIME.
Princess
at 6:33 PM
cooma chad: PEECH OUT WITH YOUR LEECH OUT
i licked my lips earlier,
and his taste was still sort of lingering on them.
a totally amazing moment.
i'm glad i didn't get high earlier.
well, i wish i WAS high,
but then i came home and had to do the birthday thing with brandon, watching him open presents and such.
i had a dream last night that i was eating pepperoni pizza.
it was really, really good.
pepperoni is something i have yet to see equaled
in the fake meat industry,
which is sad.
so i went to school for ms. redmon's last day.
art club was moved to next week,
so there was an extended period of free time
for me, her, nikki, and mrs. dearth to talk about
just about everything.
it was fun.
i'm going to really, really miss her.
of course, we're planning on going to denny's soon and such.
she's going to try to get a job at perry as soon as she gets her license.
i seriously hope they hire her.
i like mrs. dearth.
my goal for next semester is to have a class with her.
and i want to start painting again.
chad pitched me this really hilarious idea
about doing a nude of him, greatly exaggerating his genitalia.
but
remembering that sparked a bunch of better ideas
in my brain,
which i'm definitely going to start developing.
this calls for a total photo session.
..omg that made me miss haylee.
she wants me to come up/down (which one is it? i have no idea)
to virginia so she can take pictures of me in this tunnel near her house.
which sounds beautiful.
she is so good at photography,
which is such a cool love to share with someone.
especially since we end up taking such personal pictures together
that end up having a totally universal effect.
but i can't take ANY good pictures
without her inspiration, it seems.
suck.
i think i want to do some sort of black and white study
of my collarbones.
*yawn*
Princess
at 5:39 PM
the trees are just beautiful on southport.
there's this cemetary past madison
that driving by,
i just wanted lay down in
under this brilliant violet tree
and just sleep.
i realized while rereading recent entries
that i've let my poetic license roam free in this thing
and have begun punctuating prose like poetry.
*shrug*.
today at target, i boutht a really pretty sweater.
claming/perking/shutting up
is working really well.
i put my contacts in before i went to bed last night
after the ambien kicked in, of course.
when i woke up this morning and caught a glance of myself in the mirror
without my glasses on,
it made me want to vomit.
hiding my face behind glasses is a good idea.
art club is in fifteen minutes.
oh, and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRANDON AND ZACH.
Princess
at 2:08 PM
my boobs hurt really badly now.
...they were preparing to breastfeed.
how weird.
none of this seems very real to me,
only painful and distant and horrific.
Princess
at 10:28 PM
today i was with him
not even for very long,
but i still can't truly put into words how fulfilling it was.
i miss touching him so badly.
and being held,
how his hands feel on my skin.
the way he smells,
the way he tastes...
the texture of his tongue
and his cushioney lips.
like sensational sensory overload
that isn't overbearing.
i think these are all things i've written before.
but they're worth repeating,
and SO important.
my hair is everywhere,
in the way.
ooh plus there was total reminisce
about our first kiss and first fuck and whatever.
AND i researched this
(thank god i keep this stupid thing):
our first kiss was on wednesday, july 14th.
and mean girls was the movie we saw?
he called me honey that day,
when we were pushing his truck.
"are you saying you want to marry me?"
Princess
at 9:56 PM
f u 9: ::virtual JH::
(hotdogs and i are SO have JH day
as soon as i get ungrounded.
he left me the greatest picture ever
on my gayified lj,
and he is so awesome at life.
i should really associate with my friends.)
i finished my picture
AND the series today.
it looks awesome.
then ms. redmon and i laid them all out
in order
on the table for her take pictures of and for us to
critique/analyze.
she's really proud of me and how it turned out.
she gave me a little sketchbook with a note inside
with her email address.
it said that i was beautiful,
and that i will definitely succeed as an artist
should i choose to persue it.
someday,
she told me,
people will be banging down my doors
to buy my work, and all my weird emotional concepts.
and she said that if i ever feel like i can part with any of my pieces,
she'd love to buy one
and help me sell others.
i'm going to miss her
SO BADLY.
so my next objective is
to come up with either a theme to base my year on
or a new series of concepts to work on.
i think my next project needs to be painting
and that sometime before the year is over,
i need to do a more detailed/realistic self-portrait.
ideas for themes so far:
*concentrating more heavily on varied views of hands (in multiple media).
*the hypocrisy associated with christianity.
*continued depictions of my emotions related to the past month's events (this is highly unlikely, because like i said i really feel done with this.)
*concentrating more on my photography, and developing multiple themes from there.
*my distorted self-views.
*a series of self-portraits, each one concentrating on a particular aspect OR depicting myself in different situations portraying the difficulties of... stuff.
i don't like any of these ideas.
so dinner is ready,
but after that i'll write all about other stuff.
like how much
I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND.
Princess
at 6:52 PM
welp now i'm all fucked up on ambien
and have decided to write out a list
of the things i'm passionate about
instead of chad's proposed week.
i am passionate about:
*chad.
*writing.
*draw-paint-sculpt-collage-whatevering.
*learning.
*dancing.
wow, ok so i'm really tired and i can't do this anymore.
the point is mainly moot anyway
because if he doesn't know what i'm passionate about then
he hasn't been paying any attention, i guess.
Princess
at 1:10 AM
i'm changing this damn address yet again.
because two or three people having it is apparently too much.
god dammit.
i am so tired of fucking
being alive,
and being myself.
Princess
at 7:51 PM
so in the midst of all this weird complex trauma,
i keep having all these thoughts about
how i wish my brain worked like chad's
because it runs so much simpler
and so smoothly.
there was this one time when
he told me this really personal stuff
about what had warped his brain to be the way it is
and i sort of laughed because
wow, i wish that's why/how my brain was warped.
we actually got in a big fight
because he thought i was laughing at him
when in all reality,
i just enjoyed what he had to say so much.
what all of this,
all the hormones and thoughts and emotions and situations,
what it has made me realize
is that i can't expect anyone to ever understand how i feel or what i'm going through or what i need.
and for once, i don't find it isolating,
because i feel like i really understand it now and not just fear it.
it's made me painfully more mature,
except that it's not really paining me at all.
what it has done is made me truly appreciate
the people who try and be here for me despite
their true lack of empathy.
so thanks especially chad,
for being here even when it's hard and i know you don't get it.
in addition,
it's sort of forced me to heal wounds that were longstanding and deep.
and it's weird, really weird to be saying this,
but i'm glad that they all happened.
though i have definitely been shaped negatively as a person because of these things,
i think they really helped prepare me
for what was to come.
because for the first time in my life i really feel..
well, there isn't a word for it.
***
i had to go to counseling with my mom.
it was sort of really awful.
but then haylee called.
and omg i felt so better.
and then i called chad,
and he played guitar and it was so pretty.
he.. wanted to talk to me.
it was nice to feel wanted.
i don't feel that very much anymore.
Princess
at 10:40 PM
OMG
ENCOUNTERS.
...it totally fell in.
"was forty-five minutes or was it three seconds?
i can't tell."
either way, it was perfect, so perfect
like my anatomically correct body, he says.
omg
he is the hottest thing i have ever seen
in my entire life
omg.
i WISH i just could've taken
another five minutes to cuddle with him,
another five hours.
but i ended up being really late to pick up brandon,
oops.
his eyes.
hands.
skin.
how perfect.
ps
i hate my fucking mom,
what a bitch.
i was trying so hard to mask the contempt,
but i couldn't even help myself.
"GOD JUST LOVES HYPOCRITES, RIGHT?"
Princess
at 3:57 PM
i feel fat
but cute today.
AND I LOVE THE RONDELLES WAY MORE THAN I LOVE YOU!
Princess
at 10:06 AM
scolding stains line my panties,
peering up through pallbearer puddles.
uterine entombment,
it says to me.
sepulture sac.
they buckle my knees,
squalling
that i've taken my death march
and it's my turn to tumble from comfort.
i plead humble homocide,
declare discreet destruction.
an ongoing end
to finalize this fatality-
it's always a funeral here
in my angry undergarments.
***
that was morbid,
and hopefully my last attempt to rid my brain of these emotions.
on a side note,
"basketball" is listed as a related word to "death"
in my online thesaurus.
Princess
at 10:21 PM
cooma chad: tyler
cooma chad: i miss you.
cooma chad: I miss YOU!
cooma chad: I miss not having YOU
cooma chad: I hate knowing that you want to be with me and you're not
Princess
at 8:08 PM
I SAW HIM
AND HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL
AND HE LOVES ME
and it was like, the best moment
EVER.
we're going to start going to church.
which i'm wary of.
but anything-
ANYTHING-
for him.
oh god he looked so cute,
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO CUTE?
i love it.
my stomach hurt REALLY BAD
because at work today i was trying to hang these velvet dresses up
five feet over my head with a pole
when i realized it was hurting my back REALLY BADLY.
then i thought...
hey, i bet these weigh about 30 pounds collectively
SO WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
i hope i didn't rip back open.
because that's totally how it feels.
BUT I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE I SAW HIM AND KISSED HIM
AND I AM ON A TOTAL HIGH.
*dead*
i got my check today,
sixty.eight dollars and thirty.one cents.
and i counted all my money in my wallet,
which totaled one hundred.forty.five
and i have fifty in the bank
and chad owes me one hundred.twenty.three
but i'm not expecting/asking for that any time soon.
also, there is a sweater that i am so buying
at wet seal.
DO NOT FORGET THIS, SELF.
it was the cutest thing ever.
and i'm going to have my mom buy me a bra
and i'm going to have her get my glasses perscription changed
and i'm not going to feel bad about it.
but i'm still goign to ask my dad for the bronco,
because i want it.
oooh i get to drive myself to the library in the morning.
it will feel so good to go somewhere by myself,
burying myself in books.
i have to do a speech project,
but i will still throughly enjoy myself.
OH SHIT,
DO I OWE THE LIBRARY MONEY?
eep.
i think so.
and i think it's a lot more than i have to spend.
fuuuck.
ok well.
the mantra:
shut up.
clam up.
perk up.
i can and WILL do this.
**ps
cooma chad: i just couldnt baby
LOOK HE CALLED ME BABY!!!
I AM SO HIS BABY!!!
OMG.**
Princess
at 7:28 PM
HE JUST SAID LOVE ON THE PHONE,
and now i feel a lot better.
i wish that i was
at his house
petting bailey
making out
eating a chip sandwhich
laughing it up
to the shittalker
and stuff.
it's also important to note that
this entire day went by without
me consuming a single peanut butter jelly.
Princess
at 8:28 PM
there's a fucking party at chad's right now.
IS THERE A REASON THESE THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN
AFTER I GET GROUNDED?
yes.
that reason is that god hates me.
i worked 12-4.30 today
and then rushed home to change
and then rushed to julia's to be cinderella.
fifty dollars,
i am awesome.
iforgot to get my paycheck from hot topic today.
it's not like i woulda had time to take it to the damn bank anyway.
plus tomorrow
i work 2-7
AND THEN NOT ANYMORE FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS.
great.
this guy came in today though
and asked me to model for his clothing company.
it was my two seconds
of feeling special.
then i came home
and that feeling was gone.
Princess
at 8:00 PM
xtian used my name in a band-name generator. these are the best names EVER.
Stella of the Corrosive Mock
Incomplete Stella and the Favorite Ufo
Content Stella and the Rainbow
Fizzy of the Spiritual
Kick of the Stella People
Stella Bandage and the Catastrophe Barbituate
Frisky Stella and the Dusty Prince
Stella Orgasm
Stella Psychology of the Grave Past
Stella Hill of the Loathing Rocker
Tired Stella and the Weapon
Stella Babe of the Dripping Nemesis
Stella Advocate and the Infernal Officer
Elegant Stella and the Struggle
Dumping Stella and the Twilight
Abolish Stella
Roasted Groovy **not my name, but still AWESOME**
Stella Vegas and the Thrust
aww, and of course today's shared haylee moment:
AndrogynousXtian: Struggling Stella and the Troubled Gig
ggglittersoresss: struggling stella and the nigger rig
AndrogynousXtian: OOOOOoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh the days of miss hay hay
ggglittersoresss: i talked to her for an hour today
ggglittersoresss: it was awesome.
oh man.
Princess
at 1:43 AM
SO
since i can't find the glove
i get to spend HALF MY FUCKING PAY
BUYING NEW ONES.
whatever.
fuck you, life.
Princess
at 11:48 PM
best song ever for these five minutes:
You scream louder then fiction, and you get down on your knees.
And tear open your heart so I can love you and your disease.
Lick the hand that feeds you and kiss the blade that cuts.
I wannna fuck you in your gods hands when your praying bites the dust.
Please please please please please please please please, let me annoint the lust inside you.
Please please please please please please please please, let me devalue what's inside you.
Hollywood at night, hanging around.
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.
Hollywood at night, hanging around.
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.
And I'll deny you.
Fact or fiction, fact or fiction, fact or fiction.
It's a mission to survive.
And learn to want you, when I hate, when I hate what's all inside.
Please please please please please please please please, let me annoint the lust inside you.
Please please please please please please please please, let me devalue what's inside you.
Hollywood at night, hanging around.
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.
Hollywood at night, hanging around.
If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.
You scream louder then fiction, and you get down on your knees.
And tear open your heart so I can love you and your disease.
You lick the hand that feeds you and kiss the blade that cuts.
I wanna fuck you in your gods hands when your praying bites the dust.
Please please please please please please please please, let me annoint the lust inside you.
Please please please please please please please please, let me devalue what's inside you.
Hollywood at night, hanging around. If this is a must, then dying is a must right now.
***
what? me?
like head automatica???
pshhh.
Princess
at 9:28 PM
i can't find my other fucking glove
but i'll be cinderella in 24 hours.
AND I CAN'T JUST GO TO THE MALL AND GET NEW ONES,
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN CAR.
chad is partying it up somewhere.
iwishitwaswithme.
last week, my last defining moment
as an innocent girl
was when i went to the football game,
and he came out front to meet me.
we stood there for a few minutes,
the original intention to sneak me in,
when he looked at me smiling
with his fingers entangled in mine.
"let's go home,"
he said.
and so we did.
beautiful.
i can't believe it's only been a week.
Princess
at 7:48 PM
he doesn't say he loves me
on the phone anymore.
goddamn i'm so miserable.
today i got kicked out of school.
apparently i'm not allowed to be there during school hours,
even when ms. bredemus excused me.
because ms. brooks is higher on the food chain.
i now have no escape,
no escape from the household-hellhole.
and also,
i left my sketchbook at school.
and i came home and cried.
alone.
just like every other day.
i called him,
but he doesn't have anything to say to me.
and all my mom could say was that
it's my fault
that i can't go there anymore,
and i just have to pay for
what i did last saturday.
because the two relate.
we went to mike's office today
but my mom got the time of the appointment wrong,
and so we didn't actually end up going in.
but she stood in front of the whole waiting room
talking through the receptionist window to him
on the other side
about me.
i was so angry that i walked out and slammed the door.
two to three weeks minimum
of complete misery,
she said.
and NOTHING EVER since i'm so defiant and hateful.
"i can't help it,"
i said.
"i hate you."
then i went to the art room and
filled a couple pages wiht her stupid quotes
and poems
and a giant diagram of my body
with the parts labeled as she would label them.
like as having no brain
and a heart wihtout jesus.
it says
PROPERTY OF
(anyone but me.)
i had lunch with him today.
so i'm grateful for that,
at least.
every second i see him=complete blind euphoria.
he gave me a hello kitty.
my stomach,
the bruises on it..
they look awful.
chad said something along the lines of
me looking like junkie of the year.
it hurts.
i have more bruises,
from last saturday.
why am i so afraid someone is going to see them?
the worst is on my arm.
i keep running it into things.
i wrote about him more today.
but he doesn't really care about anything i write
or draw
or whatever.
no one does
except ms. redmon.
i'm so hurt that she's leaving, and that i don't even get
to spend her last few days at school.
AND
special projects is meeting sunday at border's
and she'll be there
and they'll be discussing art and pouring over magazines
and i'll be at work.
trying not to cry.
at lunch,
i tried to tell him about the body-diagram
but all he had to say was
"yeah, IIIII watched a movie about shellshock
in history today
so your little diagram doesn't really compare."
i just cocked my head to the side
and closed my eyes.
"yeah,
but i MADE this,"
i said.
only it didn't matter.
chad's main goal in life is to tell it like it is,
without time to spend on caring about whether or not it will hurt my feelings.
it would be nice if sometime he pretended to care
what went on in my life outside of him.
i was trying to explain this concept to nick yesterday
(who is my friend and i don't even hate him!)-
that no one really cares about what i think
or what i make
or what i do
because no one would care about me at all if i wasn't attractive.
he said he didn't know how to respond to that.
and i said,
neither do i.
but it's ridiculously true.
actually,
chad would be long gone if i wasn't attractive.
because that's the only reason i have him back.
this is also kind of painful,
but the whole world is superficial and i can't really expect anything more.
if i ever get ugly,
i don't know what i'll do with myself.
because my personality is about as interesting to everyone
as a manilla envelope.
today i went to carry a pumpkin out ofmy mom's car
when i remembered that i can't lift more than 15 pounds.
this made me very frustrated.
because i feel debilitated,
and that sucks when you also feel like a big fat lonely failure
who can't do anything
or anything right.
my mom
and her face
make me want to shoot myself.
and so it's no wonder that i can't stop crying.
because
I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM HER,
OR THE IDEA THAT JUST MY EXISTENCE RUINS EVERYTHING.
i've been wearing my glasses for the past few days,
because then sometimes i take them off
so i couldn't see anything if i wanted to.
because i don't want to see anything.
they're starting to make my eyes hurt, because the perscription is wrong.
but they look nice.
cooma chad: Ohh bAybie
ggglittersoresss: mm.
cooma chad: was that stellascope?
and so, once again,
i leave on the only note i can ever write.
and that is that i miss him.
Princess
at 6:16 PM
this is my 1001st post.
haylee called me,
it made me feel a lot better.
we talked about everything from
buffalo expresses
to the milky way
to chad and his ness
to obese people
to sta tic shock
to mouse traps
and just wow, i miss her.
so now it's ten, and i'm going to take my medicine
and my shot
and watch adult swim
and go to bed.
in 24 hours, i'll be getting off work.
in 12 hours, i will have seen chad.
ok so my life is awful,
but it is
SO GOOD BECAUSE CHAD AND HAYLEE ARE IN IT.
that's all i need.
Princess
at 10:01 PM
caressing his mended appendages
is alwasy the best solution
for a broken rule of thumb.
a mere signature shift
of my sparkling stare can
break the barriers of
a misdemeanor breach,
i know from experience.
this spell, my evasive eyes
will save me from
any fractured features that
my imbalances cause,
and this i solemnly swear
for any situation split/disordered.
i will come prepared
with desserts in hand
and you will arrive cheerfully
into these open arms.
Princess
at 5:55 PM
i miss him so bad.
i hate my mom so much.
however, running away=bad idea.
why is that?
because no one would take care of me,
and i can't take care of myself.
especially since i happen to be gushing red rivers here.
but then even after that,
WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT AMBIEN?
Princess
at 5:17 PM
"anatomically correct."
this,
he said,
is what he thought the first time he saw me naked.
it was ok to try to leave me,
he also said,
because i was freaking out.
this is called a
"rule of thumb."
i finished my fourth piece
in the series i have going in art
today.
this one did not feature a fetus,
or blood.
it did, however, feature my clenched fists
as the glorified repetitive hand-tree
in handcuffs
along with the way the night sky looked the morning of my birthday
wiht him.
this one represents the bondage of being young
but hope on the horizon.
the next one will be me giving up
to the sunrise,
his fingers coming out of the sky.
because why?
because this series is going to end on a happy note.
i also printed out my
"hands of god"
picture today,
which i decided is part of the series
because it pertains to the subject.
also, i'm going to take a bunch more pictures of
his hands
with my hands
and my tummy-bruises
and all those sorts of representational images.
they will also portray my emotions
but end on a hopeful note.
because even if i'm not hopeful,
i want to be.
ms. redmon likes my work because
she says i'm not afraid to say waht i need to say.
and she enjoys my style.
i think this is why she lets me get away wiht
whatever i want
while i'm at school.
lucky for me, ms. bredemus will do the same,
because she also likes my work.
we get a new student teacher on the 15th,
which makes me heartbroken.
it's also very important that note that
he said i
CAN
be secure in our relationship.
this security,
i mean the lack thereof i'm experiencing,
was the reason behind all my frustration with him.
that and being called a whore.
he wants to be with me,
he loves me.
now i just have to keep repeating that in my head
until it shuts off.
once my brain shuts off,
i will be much better off.
i'm starting to think that if my mom doesn't shut her mouth
i'm not going to be able to stop the insanity
and then they'll put me on even more medicine,
like the antipsychotic they originally planned for me.
so i have to pretend.
pretend to be better.
and satisfied.
and happy.
and also like i love these people.
which i in fact do not.
list of people i love:
*chad
*lindsay
*haylee
*xtian
*nikki
ok well that's not an all-inclusive list.
but it's close.
the point is that
my family is not on it.
and neither am i.
schoolwork time.
Princess
at 3:10 PM
inseparable, i vowed
with your tongue in my mouth-
a kiss too complete
to allow you to leave.
i can bat my eyelashes forever
so long as my tired eyes score your contact.
i'll gladly bleed pink
if you'll bandage the wounds.
i'm yours-
whether you like it or not.
Princess
at 2:49 PM
ok, this post was deleted.
i was very angry.
also, i went off on chad
because he said run wiht it
and yeah i shouldn't have.
i'm tired.
i just wish he would go back to the way he was before.
he said he wanted to get back to being hopelessly devoted to me.
was he lying
or did i fuck it up?
Princess
at 9:04 PM
OH MY GOD I'M BLEEDING AGAIN,
I'M BLEEDING SO BAD
THERE IS SO MUCH BLOOD
LIKE SATURDAY
and it hurts so bad,
i'm so scared.
there was only a little blood yesterday, not red fresh blood.
and none the days before that.
i feel like i'm in a horror movie again.
i wish i had someone to hold me or comfort me or anything,
anything to calm me down at all.
how can i keep it real when everything is so fucking surreal?
Princess
at 10:19 AM
i hate myself so much.
i don't think it's ever been so difficult to not hurt myself.
Princess
at 9:37 PM
The world is watching as I take my last breath
The world is watching as I get undressed
Cos I'm pretty like drugs
The world is watching as my wings unfurl
The world is watching the death of a girl
Cos I'm pretty like drugs
I load the gun
The world is watching with a pregnant pause
The world is watching as I fuck to applause
The world is watching as I plant the last seed
The world is watching me watching T.V
Cos I'm pretty like drugs
I load the gun, I wax and wane
Subject all my pain, unto you baby
Cos I'm pretty like drugs
**queenadreena.prettylikedrugs**
****
soundtrack to my day.
life.
world.
brain.
i really like queen adreena.
as of today, i really hate everything else.
PSYCHO.
i can't enjoy anything.
i gave up my choices so he could have his.
i made my one decision.
i want to die.
Princess
at 7:46 PM
oh god.
i'm bleeding again.
and in SO MUCH PAIN.
oh god, oh god.
Princess
at 3:36 PM
cooma chad: YOU HAVE THE SAME TWO FACES.
this keeps repeating in my head.
i think it's making me sicker.
Princess
at 7:00 PM
she hauled me to
this forty-five minute finality
as if this dust would ever settle.
so i savored my seconds of surreptitious tranquility,
petting my bloated
bruised peach body
and ticking my eyes with the clock
(my personal pendulum).
every second that passes is one that
i suffer unaccompanied.
but this,
she told me,
is what i deserve.
agony.
***
i ravish my fragile fingers
through the comfort zone of kinship cherishing-
clawing my tiny appendages
wherever corruption has failed to pervert.
my petite paws
will bastardize you,
god damnit.
Princess
at 6:35 PM
cooma chad: my love is like cancer
cooma chad: infectious and deadly
**significant in relation to my poem**
ggglittersoresss: what kind of tree would a fruitball come from?
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: hmmm fruitballs come from these huge trees.. they dont really have a name because they cant really be classified anywhere. they're these huge kind of trees that are anything you want. they are huge, but little, soft but barky, and it's limbs twist and turn every which way, adding to it's dimesions and complexity
ggglittersoresss: LIKE A WILLY WONKA TREE?
ggglittersoresss: WITH SNOZZBERRIES?
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: -looks down- i think i have those
***
ggglittersoresss: ok, how are nuts made?
ggglittersoresss: like, there aren't nut bushes and trees, are there?
ggglittersoresss: i mean.. when was the last time you saw a cashew tree?
cooma chad: actually, there are trees, because there are crazy machines designed to shake nuts off there trees
ggglittersoresss: NO WAY
ggglittersoresss: THAT IS SO WEIRD.
ggglittersoresss: i don't know if i believe you.
ggglittersoresss: NUT-SHAKING MACHINES?
ggglittersoresss: omg.cooma chad: i wouldnt look into it if i were you , i strict vegan might even consider it cruel and unusual ggglittersoresss: no WAY, vegans SO eat nutsggglittersoresss: also, i'm not a strict vegan.ggglittersoresss: i'm not even vegan.cooma chad: i know, if only they knew the way in which they were harvested they wouldnt
***
Auto response from cooma chad: i got ate up by a glittersaraus but then i realizes, there herbovores. then i woke up.
ggglittersoresss: *chompchompchomp*ggglittersoresss: YOU ONLY THOUUUUGHT I WAS AN HERBIVORE, I'M ACTUALLY A CHADIVORE!!!!ggglittersoresss: *chompitychewchewchomp*cooma chad: i luv you x 10cooma chad returned at 9:57:10 PM. ggglittersoresss: i love YOU x 1000000000000000000000000000 to the 100000000000000000000000000000000000000th power.cooma chad: wooo, back off bitchggglittersoresss: *giggle*ggglittersoresss: my love is huge. if it was a sponge, it would absorb the whole ocean. it's bigger than your entire face.cooma chad: not bigger then my braincooma chad: its collosalggglittersoresss: collosal as a peanutggglittersoresss: but my love is like the peanut farm or the peanut machine
Princess
at 10:04 PM
chad on mullets (the first laugh of my day):
cooma chad: whats the big fuckin deal
cooma chad: so you let the back keep growin out
cooma chad: what all the sudden your a statistic
Princess
at 9:27 PM
solitary-
confined to the lines of loneliness.
"sunday beaches
only last 8 hours on a good day
in my dreams."
reclusive retrieval
treasures me, my somber sensitivity
and cups its shaky hands
around my chin.
comfort calls from beyond my cell,
screaming in scorn that i shall never
lay myself along the curvy curbs of
cunning cancer
again.
simple syllables of secrecy shroud around my
assuasive detonation.
i shall never drag or push my lips along
the posh pressure of his blessed presence
again.
Princess
at 8:35 PM
i hate everything but him.
i'm hurt, i'm so hurt, oh my god i can't look at anything without crying.
my legs hurt so badly, i don't know why but they hurt so horribly terribly worse than my stomach or my chest or my head.
but not worse than my heart.
i have a little bit of hope, though.
she said earlier that
when she said i couldn't see him she meant today,
and not that i couldn't see him ever.
but if she had meant ever,
that would just be too bad for her.
but now it will be easier.
but what if it gets hard to see me
and he doesn't want to try anymore?
i'm so scared.
i'm so alone.
this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me,
worse than all the other really horrible things.
i'm so hurt, so so hurt.
Princess
at 6:58 PM
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: it'll get better
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: this is jsut part of this whoel journey, and once you get past the mushrooms and bowser and escape with the princess, it'll all be ok again
**chad is SO a princess**
Princess
at 5:13 PM
this is so hard, everything is so hard.
i just want my boyfriend, why doesn't anyone understsand that i need him so badly?
he would love me,
he would love me even though no one else will.
i'm horrible.
god i'm so horrible,
i've fucked everything everything everything up beyond repair.
why can't i do anything right?
Princess
at 1:21 PM
so everything is horrible.
everything is horrible,
and so am i,
and everyone thinks i'm a horrible horrible liar,
and i have absoulutely no one at all.
absolutely nothing.
my one last chance at living
is to move to wisconsin.
i don't want to leave here so bad,
i don't want to leave chad
or the possibility that haylee is coming back.
i don't want to start over.
the whole point of this was to stop hurting,
i don't want to hurt.
but it didn't work.
and now i hurt more than ever.
Princess
at 10:18 AM
this has been the worst day of my entire life, bar none.
no overexaggeration.
chad, i love you.
i love you so much.
please don't talk to my parents anymore.
i love you.
Princess
at 9:58 PM
i'm trying to prepare emotionally and mentally for tomorrow.
but no one will let me.
i am so sick,
so so so so sick.
apparently, i never got over my urinary tract infection.
it just got to a better point for a long time
and now it's getting really bad again.
i am SO AFRAID
i'm going to have to go back to the hospital.
omgomgomg.
i think i'm going to puke again.
Princess
at 8:08 PM
cooma chad: <3
we're going to the game tonight,
apparently.
i took a bazillion dollars out of my account today.
now i'm going to do some laundry and pack.
dear god or godlike figure,
please help me through this.
Princess
at 3:43 PM
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: did you knwo you have the most prettiest eyes ive ever seen everrrrrrrrr like swallow me up whole eyes, or like crystal huge gems eyes..
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: yep you do
ggglittersoresss: that was so freaking sweet. omg.
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: well it's the fucking truth. my insides melt and everything. it's terrible
BlusCluRoxMyWrld: i seriously love you and im with you, tomorrow, forever, now..
***
i miss her.
Princess
at 3:39 PM