last night:
"childhood dreams remind me of my batman underwear,
until evil proctologists administer my weekly enema.
aunt jemima, aunt jemima, aunt jemima.
thou art the core of my soul."
^excerpt from my supagoth skillz
oh yeah, the ambien.
i need to remember to call work tomorrow.
DO NOT FORGET.
my lover is the great harvester of cheese bread.
sub pizza.
i am the great harvester of looooove,
the great momma of sugar.
there should be a poem for that.
i listened to a bunch of songs on his computer today
when he wasn't there.
they were amazing and a half.
like, rocking at life.
i love him.
i wish i knew how haylee's day went.
Princess at 10:08 PM
i hope someday my house will be filled with music.
***
a moment of wait
for a lifetime of blinking,
starchly,
parched.
seven months and several hours.
wait.
waiting.
if all i can ask for is "where is the bathroom?",
at least i'll be pissing in peace.
***
Princess
at 4:20 PM
the "loud" setting on my cd player
wouldn't shut off while i was driving earlier.
that's the one that makes the speakers shake everything around it.
i was given the finger.
bwahah.
anyway, it would have been a lot more enjoyable
had haylee been there,
like everything else.
she started school today.
*sigh*
my mom was really mad at me for wanting to get my haircut today
because i didn't feel like having her pay eighty dollars for it.
but i didn't go anyway
because i figured that she deserves to pay out her ass for my hair
if she's going to make such a big fuss.
i cannot believe
that i broke my mirror.
MORON.
i have on a lot of makeup today.
because i feel like it.
it's weird.
i changed the title of this journal.
last night i took a bunch of really beautiful pictures
but i can't put them on this thing
because my little photo-resizer program is broken.
BIATCHES.
i am seeing lindsay in less than a month.
HOLY FUCK!!!
omg, it's going to be so awesome at life.
OMG!
Princess
at 2:18 PM
the contents of my brain:
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
hayleehayleehayleehayleehaylee
oh, and also chad.
tomorrow i want to get my hair cut.
like layered.
and a different color.
or like, streaks.
i'm tired of seeing myself look like this.
i shattered my other sideview mirror
because i got something in my contact and
swerved into a mailbox.
GREAT.
and i mean, it is shattered.
no damage to the mailbox though,
THANK GOD.
i am a moron,
a first class moron,
on the moore,
that's me.
blahblahblah
my cd player was all broken today,
and i was all WTFMATE,
and it was all i suck at life,
and i was all indeed you do,
biatch.
i am so underpaid,
it's killing me.
what is with this getting so fat?
WHY GOD WHY?
oh i know,
maybe it has something to do with the overeating issue.
*growl*
i need to regulate this shit.
PUDGEFACE.
pudgelife.
god damn i'm boring.
i had a donut with strawberry icing on it this morning.
actually,
i had a lot of food today.
ew.
there was this one party at chad's over the summer
that cody got really drunk at
so while he was like crying and puking
i was hanging out with chad making movies
and there was this specific moment when i was taping him and looking at my little camera screen
that i remember thinking...
hey, i could really enjoy dating this guy.
he's really awesome at life
and at me.
there could be a future here.
and then there was,
and it was like dreamy.
except for the part where haylee was gone,
hey wait that's still happening.
lalala
i wish i had school tomorrow.
there are things i was going to remember to do this week,
and now they're not in my brain.
let's see...
things to remember:
*to get gas tomorrow
*to find out when i'm working next (wednesday/thursday?)
*something else
*something else
*something else
*something else
*something else
once again, great help.
i guess i'll go lay down.
Princess
at 11:06 PM
steve and necia called for chad.
justin should be home in twenty minutes to an hour.
also, the lab called
because they fucked my tests up.
and the lady who made kris's personalized book called,
to make sure we got it in the mail.
and dr. gillespy's office called,
to confirm my appointment on monday at 3.30
which i didn't know i had.
and my dad called,
to ask about karate tests or whatever.
but chad has not called me,
and i am unaware of his whereabouts.
suck.
AndrogynousXtian: im sorry bout haylee
ggglittersoresss: me too
bluscluroxmywrld: did you ever get a hold of hay?
ggglittersoresss: no.
ggglittersoresss: *dead*
bluscluroxmywrld: im sorry :-(
bluscluroxmywrld: -hugs-
bluscluroxmywrld: im sure she's dying jsut as much :-( thats so stupid how you two have to be sad. :-(
bluscluroxmywrld: and yes i used two smilie faces
ggglittersoresss: they're anti-smile faces, for both our anti-smiling faces
DIS OR DER
DIS OR DER
DIS OR OR OR DERRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Princess
at 3:50 PM
i called hay's house,
and no one picked up.
....
"your life is a dead."
Princess
at 1:29 PM
today is the day that haylee was supposed to be home,
so we could go shopping at the half off clearance at work
and go see napoleon dynamite
and the spongebob movie
and eat lots of breadsticks
and laughlaughlaugh
and lovelovelove
and be happyhappyhappy
but this is not the case.
keith stopped a line of traffic
to wave to me in the car yesterday,
and i was just like
why could i not have run into him while i was out of the car?
chad tried to call her house from my phone last night,
and lori said she was unable to come to the phone.
and i wanted to say NOT SHE'S NOT
YOU'RE SO JUST NOT LETTING HER,
but instead i just sat quietly
and tried to not cry.
i hate life.
today feels like a day for watching movies.
with haylee.
HAYLEE, HAYLEE HAYLEEHAYLEEHAYLEE
this is totally all i can think about.
we have like two cases of pepsi
that i won't drink,
THEY HAVE HAYLEE'S NAME ON THEM
LIKE HAYLEEHAYLEEHAYLEE PLEASE DRINK ME.
we used to buy pepsi just for haylee.
and now we have so much of it,
it's all for her and no one else,
and she can't have it,
and dammit.
twistedberry lemonade gushers are pretty good.
*growl*
whatever, everything is so unfulfilling right now.
Princess
at 10:58 AM
holly just called me about haylee.
things suck at life for her right now.
it's all square one, like my seventh grade year,
except that they're turning her in to the police
because she had pot and crushed vicodin
and so now she's probably going to girls school
or like a group home or something.
and also,
she isn't allowed to talk to me.
and also,
lori doesn't like me.
big surprise.
only i hate it that she doesn't like me
because she probably speculates that i'm a lot worse than i am
and that is why she doesn't like me.
it's like, if she knew how not bad for haylee i really am
then there wouldn't be a problem.
but this is not the case,
because i probably seem like little miss jezabel to her.
i'm really worried that haylee is lonely.
i can't stand the idea of her being lonely.
but i know she is,
she's here and lonely and miserable and
this is everything she absolutely did not want.
i wish i could give her a hug
and also make fun of everything that sucks with her,
i think that would solve a lot for our brains.
i wish i could do anything at all for her.
raga;lkj icddasdicis.
chad was severely displeased
with my displeasement with
this morning's service.
*shrug*
anyway he's also really beautiful,
have i mentioned this before?
i have seriously got to take more pictures of him,
because they would automatically be really good pictures
because he looks so good all the time.
these would be like instant success pictures.
he has a thousand dollars.
this is another one of things where
your parents think it's because you're some cracked out drug dealer
when in fact you actually just like got bumped into by some old guy.
this is like what my parents think of me.
and what haylee's parents think of me now.
DEVILCHILD.
chad had some really horrible poetry assignment today
that broke my heart for existing.
if anyone ever tears up my poems like that,
my life will have been a failure.
what is the point in composing something
that is just going to get anti-composed?
there was this interview with jim carrey on tv,
and throughout the whole thing he was like
telling his heart-wrenching life story about
how he started being comical because his mom was strung out?
he had this really weird smile on his face
that reminded me of the way they talk about serious drama on seventh heaven.
he was probably on drugs
or is really that weirdly caught up in weirdness.
brandon lives life like it is a seventh heaven episode.
so does my mom.
if my life were a tv show, it would probably be
aqua teen hunger force.
stupid, and on tv right now.
my life totally features fast food talking to me.
temmmmptation!
i was trying to watch superstar earlier
but instead i fell asleep.
i'm really glad holly called me and woke me up
because sleeping was not key to finishing the things
on my mental checklist.
the mental checklist:
*find something for tomorrow's monologue
*
*
*
*
shit, that's all i remember.
today we went to a tattoo parlor
and there were all these little picture books full of
tattoos that had been done there.
they were gorgeous.
how cool would it be to have a bunch of
walking art pieces?
plus the room was really comfortable.
chad thinks i like tattoos because i have an identity crisis or something.
this is annoying because
i really like tattoos because the concept of
art on skin is a really cool one.
someday i'm going to do a bunch of like paintings on people's backs,
and it will be really awesome
but then my heart will be a little broken when that paint is getting washed off.
which is why tattoos are a great idea.
but for the record,
i do not want to be covered in tattoos,
or even have like more than one or two.
OH YEAH I NEED TO GET GAS TOMORROW
because i am on empty.
and i have to pick up brandon from school,
and set my alarm for hella early
because i have to pick up chad at 6.45.
i went and got my blood drawn at the ER
and ew,
she went to stick in my left arm
and my veins rolled again so she was all
poking around trying to find it.
THIS SUCKS SO BADLY.
it leaves this horrible bruise
because the needle is just like skidding all over your little veins
and now i look like i've been shooting up
and it is a severely uncomfortable area.
man
i didn't see my mom at all today
and i won't see her until like five tomorrow.
actually, i haven't seen her since
i picked up chad from work yesterday.
damn.
my head really hurts.
i should watch clockwork orange again
because i can't remember what happens in the second half of the movie.
what i remember was really weird though,
and ultramod.
ULTRA.
totally worth watching again.
omg.
workingworking.
Princess
at 1:06 AM
sundaysundaysomeday.
church this morning was despicable.
sickeningly blasphemous.
moreso than me!
i really like this background.
Princess
at 3:50 PM
i was just remembering
how haylee and i used to say
CANCEL
all the time.
that was so hilarious,
i had forgotten all about that.
we saw napoleon dynamite earlier.
i'll never be able to look at caleb schlegel the same again.
i'm really worried about haylee.
i don't know where to call and look for her either.
is she here?
is she in VA?
i guess i'll just wait for her to call me.
ooh i saw monica today.
she's so cute.
she said i look a lot healthier?
that's cool, i guess.
i don't know what that means, actually.
anyway, she seemed really well,
and i was glad.
the apocalypse is totally happening.
i'm going to church with chad and necia
at ten:thirty in the morning,
maybe if i'm lucky haylee will be there.
this is unlikely.
but her mom goes to that service,
so maybe she'll make her go.
sublime is trapped inside my brain.
40 oz to freedom
NEEDS TO BE MINE ASAP.
omg, omg, omg.
this could be like the third christmas
that i get this cd as a present.
that would be really funny.
i could ask joe for it again,
so it'll be less awkward for my poor mom
to have to walk up in some cd store
and have to be looking at the cd like
WHAT IS THIS SMOKE TWO JOINTS?
aaaaaaaahahahha.
she's liked sublime every time i've played them for her though,
which has collectively been a lot of times
over the years.
kris used to like sublime
before my parents brainwashed him with
christian contemporary.
i swear, that music is worse than country.
it blows my mind that so many people actually listen to that stuff.
JUST BECAUSE IT'S JESUS
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOOD.
"my cell phone gave me brain cancer."
i can imagine myself on one of those
cancer research foundation commercials in thirty years.
inevitable.
if we haven't blown ourselves up by then.
((insert apocalyptical theory here))
i think i just made that word up.
and if so, congratulations, self.
that is a cool word.
we went to greg hunter's house earlier,
he lives in my neighborhood.
i don't like him,
he's one of those priveledged people that is mean to underpriveledged people
because he thinks he's cool.
anyway,
tyler rassmussen was there and all these other sophomores
that i kind of know
and it was really funny because i could tell i was making them uncomfortable
because every time i looked at anyone they looked at the floor.
they showed some really lame-ass home movies.
tasteless, like worse than what me and haylee make.
last night
courtney, jena, laura, and danielle
all told me that they really liked me.
i don't know why this surprised me so much.
we watched all the stuff that i taped.
eventful and entertaining.
my voice would get on my nerves really badly if i had to listen to it.
chad had on a really cute belt today.
he was all big and brown and beautiful.
at life.
and i was like
*swoon*.
wow i can't believe we're still together.
how rocking.
he is so great.
so, so great.
i need to find us an anniversary.
because it will give us an excuse
TO HAVE A HOT DATE!!
omgs.
hot like
SEEING THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE!!
he is not nearly as excited as i am.
AND I AM REALLY EXCITED.
if haylee is allowed to come anywhere near me,
she should go with me,
because she will also really enjoy it.
we will both laugh a lot,
that synchronized laugh that usually ends in her peeing her pants.
GOOD TIMES!!
woah
there's a rumbly in my tumbly
hardcore.
for dinner, i pulled a haylo
and bought a dozen breadsticks at fazoli's.
it was enjoyable.
OMG IF SHE'S NOT ALREADY HERE
THEN SHE'S ALMOST HERE
AND I KNOW EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT
AND OUR LIVES WILL BE HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.
my life has been a low-budget horror film
ever since she left.
and hers hasn't been fun, either.
BUT WE WILL UNITE
AND THEN EVERYTHING HAS TO GO UP FROM HERE.
see this confidence?
it is the confident kind.
and on that note,
bedtime.
Princess
at 1:45 AM
i just finished brandon's seriesofunfortunateevents book.
it reminded me of roald dahl,
except less funny and morbid.
and the writer has some odd preoccupation
with bad odors.
but it was pretty good.
i read the whole thing this morning
at the hematologist's office.
i have to get about a zillion more tests done,
factors 2, 8, 9, 10, 11, chemical levels, clotting levels, blahblhablah.
factor 2 has some really long name ending in 20201.
apparently, it's more rare and serious.
stupid.
but it was nice to talk to someone who knew what she was talking about with all this factor five stuff,
about the molecules and zygotes and actual science here
instead of getting bullshitted like i seem to get over and over.
she said she's going to consult with factor five specialists,
the people who discovered it,
and that everything should probably be fine.
it would suck to be on coomadin, or cumaden, or wahtever
because that means constant monitoring
and like, regular testing and dose leveling.
i really hate all this medical tending.
before spring break when i went to the hospital,
i was always like the healthiest person in the house.
it was nice not feeling like a physical fuckup.
ever since then, it just seems like
things keep going wrong.
everything of importance in my "medical history"
has happened within the last year, except that whole platelet thing when i was like four.
it was weird, she kept asking me these questions
that i kept answering yes,
things that would have been of importance to no one else
but had some certain severity to whatever she was trying to pinpoint.
like about how my legs are always hurting so bad,
and how my veins stick out in weird places like on my elbow and my thumb.
weirdweirdweird.
well i'm going to go read the second book.
Princess
at 10:57 AM
i just realized that today is a half day.
i love chad a lot.
Princess
at 11:09 AM
derek just called
and said chad is claiming himself "in limbo"
until he finds my phone,
but is such a big fuckface
that he can't call me himself and tell me that
or where he is
or what he's found out about the phone.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN,
IS MY PHONE NOT IN COLLEENS CAR?
i'm really upset,
i wouldn't be so upset if he just would've taken some fucking responsibility
and called me himself
or set up a time last night to meet joey
instead of leaving it up to chance.
thanks a lot for ruining my day.
Princess
at 7:03 PM
it's been three and a half hours,
and no word from chad.
i am thorougly upset,
because now i can't leave the house at all.
Princess
at 6:25 PM
baby momma.
"you're four."
"no, i'm five. how old do you wanna be?"
"seven. so you'd think i'm cool."
Princess
at 3:41 PM
don't fuck around with my dog.
haylee called,
it was SO AWESOME AT LIFE.
omg.
when she gets home,
i am going to pee my pants in EUPHORIA.
then we'll eat oreo cake
and have some moron moments
and try to push pull doors.
oh yeah.
AND DANCE TO MADONNA!
laughing like that was really nice.
it was a good morning.
Princess
at 1:38 PM
I FOUND AMBIEN!
oh yeah, i feel just perfect.
SLEEPY.
trippin out.
it's grrrrrrrrrreat.
tomorrow morning he will pick me up and make me french toast.
and then after all the works are over, he's going to pick me up and we're going to little mexico.
my mom just said i have to be home by 11.30.
oomg i had so much to type but i can't do this right now.
Princess
at 1:08 AM
my mom didn't leave me a key
and wouldn't answer her phone
and so i was locked out of the house
freezing cold
because no one can fucking trust me with the house code.
i called over and over and over
and she wouldn't answer her phone,
and i was so upset because
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M IN TROUBLE FOR ALL THE TIME,
HOW FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE CAN YOU GET?
at least when i'm not answering the phone,
she's calling from inside
instead of depending on me.
and i could've been somewhere else,
i could be with my friends
but she said i had to come directly home from school
HOW STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID.
chad's car is broken
so i was waiting for him to get all his stuff in his backpack
and i jokingly said i was going to go look for a ride without him
trying to get him to hurry up
and he got all pissed off
and got nick to take him home and left without even saying goodbye,
which really upset me because i had a really bad day
and i almost had to walk home because no one could take me
until i found libby,
god she's an angel and a half.
he's somewhere smoking out having a great time
while i sat on the front porch crying by myself
having the awfulest day.
i think it's starting to really hit me
that i don't have any ambien,
my insomnia is driving me crazy and making me depressed
oh my god i hate being depressed so much,
i just want to be able to sleep for more than two hours.
i'm totally addicted,
that sucks so much.
i'm freaking out so bad, so bad.
i could be out right now with chad
but he left me, of course.
instead i'm going to be here alone for another hour
all upset, he can't even see me until 8 tomorrow
but apparently he doesn't care,
i'm so upset too that i wanted yesterday to be better than it was
but we didn't really even kiss,
and i want one of my cupcakes.
no i want ambien,
this is all i've been thinking about for days
AND I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS FEELING
i want to sleep
i want to just be knocked out
i want my bottle to come now nownownownownow.
panicpanicpanic
where is that xanax again?
Princess
at 3:15 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHADELYYYY!
today was grand
with grand entrances from stellas and chads.
i bought him undertow and this bob dylan documentary,
plus i made cupcakes.
phase three of operation birthday
unfortunately was not... operated.
but IT WILL BE!
yay for makeups.
and finally, the worst picture ever:
i don't look very good in any of those pictures,
which is sad because i actually made an effort to look good today.
plus i'm soft,
really really soft.
and shaved.
i love him so much.
Princess
at 10:02 PM
i showed chad my painting today,
AND HE LIKED IT!!
i felt so special.
god, i can't leave.
i can't be away from HIM.
that is so not happening.
how could i survive?
i can't even handle a couple days without him.
dammit.
i need out of here so bad though.
they don't want me here,
and this is awful.
mmmmmm
it's like i canstill feel his soft softyness
all over me.
how amazing.
i decided
that i totally would love to use him
for like figure models,
charcoal and newsprint.
they would be so beautiful,
and distinctive like that series i did of brittany.
i would love them forever.
there was a fire drill today
and walking out, in the hall,
this girl stepped on my big baggy pants
and they fell down to my knees
in front of everyone.
totally hilarious.
brandon just said something about picasso burning his paintings.
and though this is totally not true,
it's a good idea
to add like burnt effects on something.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
it's his birthday tomorrow and i have to work
and i don't have a choice.
i wanted to do stuff for him with him happyhappyhappy,
damn my vindictive bitch mother.
i suck at life,
i am seriously so freaking upset.
we're going to have an awesome time for the time we're together though,
i decided.
AWESOME.
god, being with him at all is just awesome.
i've been so giggly and bouncy and happy lately,
he's like my little happiness in a chad-shaped-box.
*shiver*
it's 11, i need to go to bed.
remember self:
TEN MORE MONTHS.
JUST TEN.
that's not even that many!
they'll be gone soon, i'll be free.
well, i mean, i'll probably be free by summer.
life will be good.
well, life will be poor.
but the quality value will go WAY WAY UP!
lovey loverson.
Princess
at 10:24 PM
mike thinks i should get my GED.
my mom thinks i need
"out of this environment and the choices you've made."
(ie, away from chad.)
i think i need
to get the hell out of this year.
Princess
at 3:46 PM
i was speculating that today would be
a way better day
than it actually turned out to be.
because i could (edit),
because alex stole my painting,
because of the last hour before i came home,
because i don't feel very well.
agh ok expansion:
i didn't even get like really happy for no reason today,
(edit)
but that didn't even happen,
whatever.
and
i finished my first painting today
because i was so on-task
and by the end of third block, i was starting a second
(the milk jug boobs one).
anyway, everyone was standing around me talking
while i was working
but i didn't want to talk to them, because i was so busy painting
(and plus i didn't want to talk to them)
and someone said he wanted to buy the painting i just finished,
to which i replied that it will be of great expense.
so then everyone was looking at it,
saying how they wanted it
(weird)
and then the bell rang.
so i was cleaning up,
planning on just going to lunch late
because there's no point in running up there
to get in a long line and wait half the period for food that is gone by the time i get there.
i left to go to the bathroom,
and when i came back i noticed
MY PAINTING WAS GONE,
IT WAS ON THE TABLE WHEN I LEFT
AND GONE WHEN I CAME BACK.
so i started freaking out,
like scrambling around everywhere trying to find it,
and told ms. bredemus,
so then we were both scavenging like every open drawer in the whole room
(which is a lot of freaking drawers)
and still couldn't find it.
by this time, i decided that i didn't want to eat anyway
so i sat down and started working on painting number two
to calm the fuck down
and she left to find mrs. eldridge to see if she knew where the missing painting was.
and then it hit me that someone had totally stolen it.
STOLEN A PAINTING?
LIKE A WEIRD GAUNT SELF-PORTRAIT
THAT I KNOW DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE WHO COULD'VE TAKEN OFF WITH IT?
so ms. bredemus came back,
i starting cleaning up,
and she said she'd do everything she could to find it.
i didn't know she actually meant that.
next block,
she shows up and tells me that
ALEX EMHARDT STOLE MY DAMN PAINTING,
and i'm like are you sure?
that moron,
i don't know how she knew he had it, but apparently she did,
so she tracked him down in the band room
and the lying fuck first said that
he didn't have it,
then that it was in his locker (they searched his shit and it wasn't there),
then that i GAVE it to him,
then that it was a joke.
anyway, he still didn't tell her where it was
so eventually she found it in a back band room or whatever
and bitched him out really bad.
i'm more like, confused than mad
but if it's damaged then i'm going to be really unhappy.
he's probably going to get in some major amount of trouble
because he's kind of already in a lot of trouble
but i don't even feel sorry for him
because he knew i worked really damn hard on that
and plus i mean, it could totally be worth money.
who steals a painting like that?
i don't want to talk to him or look at him though,
because i'm so weirded out by the fact that
he stole this weird-ass painting of mine
like twenty minutes after he said something about
buying it and making a shrine to me.
i thought he was just being stupid when he said it,
but now i'm like really freaking weirded out
BECAUSE WHAT IF THAT'S WHAT HE WAS PLANNING ON DOING?
ok, enough about that.
i wish that chad would've hugged me before he went inside.
weird, he called right as i typed that.
also, i went underwear shopping.
six pairs for under twenty bucks.
they're cute.
and, i (edit).
Princess
at 10:08 PM
i feel so freaking bad.
yes, in a way he completely deserved it,
but that totally did not give me a right.
seriously though,
it was over before i knew what was happening.
oh my god,
i am the worst girlfriend who has ever existed.
i wish i could've quit sucking at life for three seconds
and kissed him before i left.
how embarrassing, though.
oh my god.
i better go take that ambien before i have another panic attack.
fuck, i wish my mom was still on that xanaxey medicine.
edit:
wait, there was no way he didn't know.
i told him.
i told him.
he talked to me about it.
the mcdonalds night.
it was such a big deal to me,
he must have not even been listening.
that was my deepest secret.
ouch.
Princess
at 10:01 PM
"you ain't from russia,
so bitch why you rushin?"
haha.
nelly makes me miss my sisters.
a lot.
on a side note,
bush won and our country is going to hell.
Princess
at 4:06 PM
i'm in big trouble again.
i went to the stupid lab to get my test,
they didn't have it ordered up,
i had to walk back and forth between buildings several times until it all got straightened out,
then i waiting at the obgyn office for an hour and a half,
and when my results came back
MY HORMONE LEVELS ARE TOO HIGH,
I CAN'T HAVE MY IUD UNTIL FRIDAY
BECAUSE MY BODY STILL THINKS I'M PREGNANT
and i lost it.
i am so fucking tired of being dicked around by everyone
and by my own fucking body
and i just don't think i can take this anymore.
i started crying and susan was asking me about stress
and i told her that i am so stressed i feel like i'm going to explode
and she called my mom
and my mom is so fucking mad at me
because susan recommended valle vista
so then i talked to her on the phone
and she was like
OH YOU THINK YOU'RE STRESSED YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH
and i cried some more, because
mom i'm so stressed all the time that i'm afraid to talk to my own friends
and it's not fair, i can't deal with this.
but then she goes into this huge pity party
about how she had to deal with the pregnancy
and jerry might lose his job
and she doesn't like hers
and i was like
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY MY SHIT IS WORSE THAN YOURS, I'M SORRY I TOLD ANYONE THAT I'M FREAKING OUT, I WON'T SAY ANYTHING AGAIN.
and she goes into this whole
blahblahblahbmy life is so much worse than yours
and you don't even care
so i said
YOU'RE RIGHT I DON'T
and hung up on her.
i'm grounded again.
which means staying here alone all day
again
miserable.
i'm so tired of having to lie to everyone about how i am.
i don't want to fucking feel this way anymore.
i wish chad was here,
but he probably wouldn't even want to hold me anyway
because me and my depression are so stupid.
i am so fucking stupid.
and my mom told me more stuff
about how i was the worst person who ever existed,
why can't i ever concentrate on anythign except the things people say to me when they're mad?
why is that the only opinion i can ever accept?
i just want to be normal.
this is so unfair.
Princess
at 1:39 PM
yesterday:
"i like you a lot more than i give you credit for."
today:
i started a painting in art class.
acrylic on canvas, a canvas that i totally stretched.
or that i fucked up stretching
and martin helped me re-stretch
because i'm stupid and can't use a staple gun or clampy stretcher thing.
wooo.
it's another super-distorted self-portrait concept.
except that there's two of me,
a close up of like a gaunt pale-anemic torso that's supposed to be me,
and my figure as a fat girl on a green sofa, kicking my leg
under street light next to a lake.
i am sick, sick and disturbed.
but i like the painting, at least.
fivesecond
right before i left his house.
in the garage.
over a lawn mower.
hhhhhhhhhahah.
he's a poor sick baby.
i am the nurse who loves him.
*giggle*
i've been laughing and talking for the past couple days.
i'm proud of myself.
baby steps,
i will make myself normal again.
i want to be myself again.
painting is going to be really good for me.
we were sitting on the couch
at dan and matt's
when i asked if he was sure he liked me.
"don't you know how much i love you?!?"
it was so special,
i felt so special.
i'm not bad.
i'm not bad.
people can totally love me.
and i can too.
Princess
at 11:14 PM
he said he'd be home before 4.30.
maybe he just doesn't want to see me.
i rented a chuck palahniuk book from the library last month,
and i totally forgot that i did so.
i guess since my personality is made up purely of what i like,
it's important that i mention that chuck palahniuk is my favorite writer.
sylvia plath is my favorite poet.
my favorite band changes with my mood.
breakfast at tiffany's, fight club, and alice in wonderland are my favorite movies.
my favorite thing to wear is earrings.
cats, dogs, and snakes are my favorite animals.
pink is my favorite color.
i like pretty eyes better than body mods (believe it or not).
salvador dali is my favorite artist.
cotton candy is my favorite food.
hip bones are my favorite body part.
chad is my favorite scent.
and also haylee and lovespell.
laughing is my favorite activity.
summer rain is my favorite weather.
and big, dirty trucks and microbuses are my favorite vehicles.
grape juice and grape soda are my favorite things to drink.
dr. pepper, but not dr. pepper by itself.
i'm going to go take another nap.
Princess
at 6:00 PM
chad says my personality consists of
head automatica, industrial, and body mods.
and even though i know he's better than me
and that i'm the stupid stupid,
i still don't think he's right.
list of things that make up my personality
(first draft):
*writing
*art
*love of music
*pursuit of happiness
*love of animals
*compassion
*laughability
*complication
*fierce regard for friendship
*child-like tendencies
*low self-esteem
*love of
*over-analysis
*eager to please
*fickle
*devious incline
well there's more, but that's all i can think of right now.
bluscluroxmywrld: -sigh- just know that you are so wonderfully amazing and complex and lovely and beautiful and compassionate. anyone with half a brain and some sense of insight can see that.
that was really sweet.
Princess
at 3:18 PM
when i was loud and outspoken,
everything was so much easier.
now that i'm quiet,
every word i utter is a disaster waiting to happen.
i miss myself a lot.
and i used to be so free of everyone else's opinion,
i miss not caring what anyone thought.
caring what chad thinks about me
has really fucked my shit up.
((more edited material.))
Princess
at 2:35 PM