Princess at 3:43 PM
i'm going to leave this whole thing alone.
i am so beautiful,
i am such a great person,
my brain is very well endowed.
plenty desire me.
and so i will venture on as the confident, powerful girl-woman i am.
i will always love chad.
but that does not mean i need to ruin myself over him.
in time, he will realize what he has lost and regret this.
and when that time comes, i will be happy to have him back.
Princess
at 10:45 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 4:08 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.
i LOVE her.
so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.
chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."
he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.
and i'm surprised i didn't melt.
i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.
"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.
Princess
at 3:42 PM
he said the sight of me will make him vomit.
i am the worst person ever.
he's so right.
i can't live with myself.
and the only deserving punishment
is to starve to death painfully and slowly.
seventy-two hours and counting.
this time is different, this is not starving for vanity.
i want to make myself suffer
for hurting him.
and since all i have to look forward to
is a lifetime full of myself, the worst person alive,
and no him, the only person who can make me halfway decent,
then i might as well just die.
zach called right as chad was hanging up on me.
and i said,
i'm sorry zach,
i can't talk to you anymore.
i am ruining chad's life.
bye.
and then i hung up,
and then i cried for a very long time
because i will miss zach during these last few weeks alive.
but at least chad can enjoy him for the next couple of weeks
without having to worry about me.
and since i can't enjoy anything anyway,
i might as well not even try.
i just want to hole up in my room
and torture myself with boredom.
as in, no music.
as in, no tv.
as in, nothing.
tomorrow i'm probably going to start passing out.
so i have to make sure to drink juice and gatorade
to avoid this.
so that no one will know.
i always knew i deserved my self-esteem.
Princess
at 6:53 PM
the turpentine washes turned out well.
i think i'm going to skip knitting.
i haven't had sex in a week.
and now
god knows when i'll have sex next.
so far away.
i don't even want to think about
sleeping with anyone else.
i just keep picturing us in the shower,
how perfect his hands were on my skin
and kisses under the faucet,
every way he was and is and felt.
or us in the octagon,
with the candle flickering across his face
and kissing the back of my neck.
or on my birthday,
quiet and dark in the tent,
when he whispered "you're fucking it"
like it was true.
but me,
there's nothing to miss about me.
except what i could be because of him.
and i miss that so much,
though i'm sure he does not.
it's not fair that i love him so much
and hate myself like this.
but i guess that's where we can see eye to eye,
worshipping him and despising me.
"you are the scum of the earth"
"bitchbitchbitchbitch"
"just fucking go DIE."
i wish.
Princess
at 1:34 PM
sixty one hours without food.
i walked to my classroom just in time to
watch chad throw a kohl's bag full
of my things in our locker on the floor in front of mrs. dearth's room.
he has cleaned me from his locker,
flushed me from his system,
washed his hands of me.
i can't stop coughing.
i like ms. batiste's friend.
Princess
at 8:44 AM
i cannot stop thinking about chad.
i cannot sleep.
i cannot eat.
i cannot get "space cowboy" out of my head.
and worstly,
i'm pretty sure he's alright.
Princess
at 1:22 AM
on a sidenote,
i'm 123 without cheating!!!
Princess
at 11:48 PM
ggglittersoresss: what did you do all summer?
xxDashboardxx1: sat in my room and played playstation
xxDashboardxx1: flew out to pensylvania with my g-paw in the mountains and went bear hunting
xxDashboardxx1: lol
xxDashboardxx1: ya i shot like 50!
ggglittersoresss: didn't you feel bad?
xxDashboardxx1: they were attacking my cousin! wat would u do in that situation?!
(ps in case my last post didn't post,
there was a rainbow around the moon earlier!!!)
Princess
at 10:42 PM
our daily routine
deceased
decreased
into a dilluted dullness.
i ask,
does comfortable gray
constitute my acceptance of
your disgusting and destitute
attitudes?
probably not,
i think today.
***
((written friday))
Princess
at 7:06 PM
i was sad when this morning started,
but as of six oh nine right now,
i'm ok.
i forgot to write all the positive things
that i wanted to.
last night, backing out of haylo's with zach,
the street was ice and
a translucent haze of snow was breezing
gradations of white to black
in the pattern of the wind.
it was one of those things i only could've seen
on a dark road with headlights
in that particular day's weather,
and i cherished it thoroughly.
"boys are easier to find than gazebos."
since chad never wants to speak to me again,
my new idea is to search for a boy
to kiss me in a gazebo in the spring,
on the perfectly-weathered day.
and i want it to be a boy, because it needs to feel classic.
and since it has to be the perfect boy
(chad would have been choice, so what i really mean is almost-perfect),
starting to choose now will keep me busy
for like, three days easy.
nate and steve called to ask me to go to
china buffet today.
i felt totally honored.
nate started the conversation by asking,
"do you know where the evil one is?"
the intellectual connection i have made with josh
is so comfortable and rare.
do i like him the way he likes me?
not currently.
but like he said, we're in the chill factor,
and his company is amazingly appreciated.
we're very compatible.
it feels so good to be known and appreciated
myself.
last night josh left a message on my phone
mentioning how cool he thinks i am,
and i giggled heartily.
zach is great at inflating my self-esteem,
and i think i might've gotten him to quit smoking.
haylee made me feel absolutely beautiful
for existing.
jena likes me so much,
we have such constantly good times together.
and even hanging out with john and dave yesterday
was a freaking blast.
reminder to self:
tomorrow i am going to school first period,
knitting afterschool,
and calling jena when i get out.
today, i listened to the special mix
haylee made me for christmas.
it has all the perfect songs.
i still haven't eaten anything,
but tomorrow at school i will chew a lot of gum.
things to accomplish tonight:
*go through cut-outs, pick out subjects, preliminary sketches?
*clean car, vacuum
*clean room, clear off white stand
*get wicker bench out
*look at tv stand, maybe set it up?
*pick out tomorrow's outfit and lay it out to allow for extra laziness
*take a dip in the freaking hot tub.
Princess
at 6:08 PM
AndrogynousXtian: i watched napolean dynamite
AndrogynousXtian: just now
ggglittersoresss: good, yeah?
AndrogynousXtian: not when your depressed
AndrogynousXtian: but yeah, it was perty funny
ggglittersoresss: no, napoleon dynamite's goodness never waivers
ggglittersoresss: your personal goodness may very well change, but you can never deny the goodness of the dynamo.
i haven't eaten since yesterday at 7.
i tried once, but have puked so many times since then that
eating is no longer an appealing idea,
anyway.
also, i have bronchitis or something.
and despite all my other good friends and good things....
i really don't want anything but chad,
because anything minus him is miserable
(thus rendering all current things so).
Princess
at 11:31 PM
i would thoroughly enjoy
being shot in the face.
the moral of the story here?
a)don't call jena a bitch unless you like being spat on.
b)i never stand up for myself, and i shouldn't.
c)i am the worst thing in existence.
ever.
Princess
at 9:48 AM
today was,
as i knew it would be,
a waste of day.
but did i enjoy it?
yes i did.
my brain is totally changing,
weird.
as discussed with zach,
here are the last several chapters of my life:
1."the pregnant pause"
((chad, haylee in virginia, hot topic, school, haylee nicole the second, hustling chronic, ambien, fetus trees, my crazy mom))
2."sweet sixteen"
((haylee, getting high, zach, chad, partiespartiesparties, the camera, UV, nate's house, the focus, nirvana, chad's truck, jezabel, denny's, blond ambition))
3."when cody was cool"
((cody, haylee as my left leg, saturdays, the focus, internet, partially pink hair, bulimia and the ymca, homeschool, feminism, xtian, fast food, poetry.com))
4."tanta and the inevitable haylo"
((jenn, the group, twinkies, biology, the mall, pills, the movies, john, passing out, cody, prissy, parties, yarn in my hair, footloose, and finally haylee))
5."galactical proportions period"
((cory, dank, skateboarding, church, tool and nine inch nails, hairdye, acro class, the new girl, breadsticks from pizza hut, babysitting))
Princess
at 1:06 AM
GODDAMMIT.
i wrote the most beautiful poem in here earlier
and the most accurate reflections
and now they're fucking gone.
DAMN YOU INTERNETTTTTTTTTT!
ggglittersoresss: what are you doing, missy?
bluscluroxmywrld: actually i found kittie's "spit" on my computer and sooo im listening to it because i thought ti was lost forever
ggglittersoresss: AWW!
bluscluroxmywrld: and its crazy because i havent listened to it since well, like 7th grade
Princess
at 1:11 PM
when did sex become emotional for me?
it is now,
it so is.
i forgot to write that i got new glasses!
they're purple and super-posh.
i ran out of naproxen,
and my tummy hurtttttts.
Princess
at 11:05 AM
ggglittersoresss: happy anniversary
cooma chad: A TOAST, TO SIX MORE MONTHS OF SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
cooma chad: Shalamahum!
cooma chad: well im sowwy
cooma chad: goodnight
cooma chad signed off at 10:08:46 PM.
Princess
at 10:19 PM
i slept with him.
I SLEPT WITH HIM!
HOLY SHIT I SLEPT WITH HIM!!!
it was the six month anniversary
since the first time we had sex.
chad tells me that i'm not as bad as he says.
he says today contained multiple situational ironies too complex for my mind to grasp.
because i am,
after all,
a fucking dumb bitch.
wow i think i feel my heart cracking.
Princess
at 9:27 PM
MLK just looks like misspelled "milk" to me.
jena greeted me with the greatest surprise this morning!
i was all sad about chad,
so she invited a bunch of girls over and we smoked a blunt
in lia's van!!!!!!!!
she is so fucking great.
ggglittersoresss: have fun at nate's?
cooma chad: splendid
cooma chad: i smoked and drank!
cooma chad: and now im eetin chicken, wow im practically blacK!
Princess
at 5:07 PM
hnr sTrwbrry 32: aww i love you....maybe you should play hard to get with chad
hnr sTrwbrry 32: nvm i had horrible advice when it coems to you
hnr sTrwbrry 32: because you're used to giving it
hnr sTrwbrry 32: and you know what to do
ggglittersoresss: no, that's good advice, but i suck at carrying out that plan
ggglittersoresss: and when i do, it just makes chad mad at me
ggglittersoresss: i generally try to avoid that, but i'm always failing at it, so i might as well play hard to get
ggglittersoresss: unfortunately, he won't be trying to get me, because he thinks i'm a worthless piece of shit and has better things to attain
hnr sTrwbrry 32: dude....is he better than cody
hnr sTrwbrry 32: or equal
ggglittersoresss: he's... different
ggglittersoresss: he tried to compare himself to cody the other day
ggglittersoresss: but they just aren't even comparable
ggglittersoresss: cody and i were best friends for a long-ass time, our relationship was an unexpected accident
ggglittersoresss: chad has always been a major crush of mine, i made everything happen with him
hnr sTrwbrry 32: would you rather someone beinmg mean to you all the time, or would you rather never be talked to
ggglittersoresss: someone being mean
ggglittersoresss: isn't that awful?
hnr sTrwbrry 32: yeah i'd probably choose that too
hnr sTrwbrry 32: why do chicks like jerks?
ggglittersoresss: i can't stand loneliness, and even though it's horribly lonely to be picked on all the time, i would rather be miserable in company than in solace
hnr sTrwbrry 32: that should be a song
ggglittersoresss: i agree
***
hnr sTrwbrry 32: hey this summer...something i've always wanted to do is make out in the rain
hnr sTrwbrry 32: and i chose you when i was in VA thinkin about it
ggglittersoresss: YES!
Princess
at 1:26 PM
hnr sTrwbrry 32: oh man....if you knew how much i love you
hnr sTrwbrry 32: youd shit twice & die
ggglittersoresss: what does the little lock next to your name mean?
hnr sTrwbrry 32: i don't fuckin know.....i did it last year when i was stoned out of my mind
hnr sTrwbrry 32: and idk how to get it off
hnr sTrwbrry 32: or what it means
hnr sTrwbrry 32: but i like it kinda
ggglittersoresss: i do, too
ggglittersoresss: i think it means no one but your friends can i.m. you?
hnr sTrwbrry 32: maybe it means there's a lock on my FAGINA...and it keeps me from having sex
hnr sTrwbrry 32: and i have a question
ggglittersoresss: yeah?
hnr sTrwbrry 32: ok i think we went & saw chad the other night...but did he have tons of pink & yellow balloons flying in his house?
ggglittersoresss: no.
i am so sad,
i really jsut want to see chad today but he doesn't want to see me
and also forbade me to go to nate's,
so i'm hanging out with jena till 3 and then i don't have anywhere to go
while all my other friends are hanging out having a blast
and i am not welcome.
today will be another shitty evening spent
crying in my room alone,
except even more shitty because our furnace is broken.
i really wish i had somewhere else to go.
i fucking hate myself.
Princess
at 1:07 PM
cooma chad: ya nicely done, gettin jenna to hate me. but better luck next time at gettin my own freakin friends to pick sides ya dirty chunt
ggglittersoresss: jena doesn't hate you, i'm not trying to get anyone to hate you
cooma chad: well your obviously a calculating bitch
cooma chad: whos got a motor mouth
cooma chad: what were you tryin to do? get me to leave nates, cuz i was about -- this close
ggglittersoresss: with what?
ggglittersoresss: i believe you were trying to get me to leave, and i did, so you should be happy
cooma chad: fuck that you never should of been their and you know it. i knew well in advance that you were there, helplessly awaiting drama, prob runnin your mouth like a bitch because the first thing i hear when i walk in is a product of your fucking mouth
cooma chad: why do you ALWAYS have to bring my friends inbetween our shit?
ggglittersoresss: no, jena had every right to be annoyed by the fact that you didn't want to be with us. and if you knew i was there, why would you have showed up to start shit? in case you haven't noticed, i've been hanging out at nate's for the past six months, so it's not exactly a foreign place to me.
ggglittersoresss: jena was mad at you for the morning thing, too, where we came to pick you up to sled and instead someone else came to pick you up too and your real intention was to go to nate's even though we drove all the way there to get you
ggglittersoresss: your hostility is way over-played, if you would calm the fuck down every once in awhile then there wouldn't be any problems like this.
Princess
at 10:15 AM
i'm so hurt,
i can't even stand it.
i was dying for this day,
this week,
this weekend
to not end like this.
i'm trying to smooth it
or move on.
but neither will work.
i am just too fucking awful.
Princess
at 11:43 PM
today was SO GOOD
until chad called me a dumb bitch
for believing in global warming
in front of nate, mike, and scott.
and then i cried in front of them,
and i felt really stupid.
i picked up haylee for lunch,
but only for ten minutes.
we went to roscoe's tacos.
we're going to the mall this weekend!!!!
then i took monica to sally's
and tried to bleach streaks in her hair.
it didn't work, but we had fun anyway.
then i went to school to meet about the trip,
but only five people showed.
but we talktalktalked anyway.
then i went to zach's,
then i went to nate's,
then nate, steve, john, and i went
to courtney's bowling thing,
then we went back to nate's,
then chad came,
then he and i left to pick up mike and matt
and go to arby's,
then we ran by some other dude's house,
then we went back to nate's,
then we argued about global warming,
then he left,
then i hung out for awhile before leaving.
i spent a lot of time today
laughing and enjoying myself.
i tied my hair in a giant knot today
and it stayed up on my head in a perfect bun.
it's so cool that my hair is long enough to do that.
good rap music is enjoyable.
i saw stephanie breheim at the bowling alley.
she is not so shy anymore,
i mean she ran up to me and just talktalktalked
quickly and excitedly, the way she never did before
not even when we were really close.
she's busy and happy,
i'm so glad for her.
i could seriously use some chronic
but now i'm too scared to talk to chad.
i just keep thinking about his smell
and how i wish it was all over me today.
i found out that he told dan aobut my abortion.
not that it bothers me that he told someone,
because it really doesn't.
it bothers me that he's a fucking hypocrite liar.
and it bothers me that
i'm in love with him.
***
Fu9: anything i can do to brighen your day?
ggglittersoresss: tell me that i am not stupid, i really need someone to tell me that
Fu9: well you aren't.
Fu9: definately not stupid, actually i think you're one of the most reasonable people i've ever met.
Princess
at 1:10 AM
WE HAD A GOOD DAY,
AND HE KISSED ME,
AND HE WAS NICE,
AND I LAUGHED A LOT,
AND HE SMELLS SO GOOD,
AND HE PLAYED OUR SONG,
AND HE WAS SO SO BEAUTIFUL
ALL THE TIME
AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
AND OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OM GOMG!!!!!!!!
Princess
at 11:50 PM
today i was busy
not with school, but with my brain.
trying to come up with excuses to
call him, to see him,
to go to his locker and gape.
nikki was trying to talk me out of
taking him home but i ran after him anyway.
he was going to leave with jena because
he said he thought i left.
however, i now realize that
he was probably really just trying to avoid me.
he didn't want me to come over today,
or talk to me on the phone.
but he did give me a hug in the hall,
i was way too excited.
it hurts so terribly that
i still love him so much and i can tell
that i mean nothing to him.
other things are going on,
but they don't even matter.
i miss mattering to him.
Princess
at 3:34 PM
today we went to little mexico.
he brushed his fingers on mine.
and for a second, i only consisted of
those fingers.
he said "goodbye sex"
in the parking lot, and the word
"goodbye"
made my throat close up.
i took 11 ambien last night
and cut myself on my thigh
to shut myself off from everything he said and did.
yesterday i went to see haylee.
it was beautiful.
beautiful but unfortunately timed,
because chad was so jealous that she came before him.
and a scene happened,
there was drama.
he hit me and punched zach in the face.
but i absolutely love him.
Princess
at 6:45 PM
for clarification and an explanation as to why xtian and i are friends and why i do, indeed, love him as a friend very much:
AndrogynousXtian: maybe you should go back out with chad, and lay down some rules
AndrogynousXtian: like you own him, and he gets no say in anythin
gggglittersoresss: HAHAH
ggglittersoresss: that's a good idea
AndrogynousXtian: then whenever he talks hit him or something
ggglittersoresss: i've done that. it doesn't work out as well as one might think.
AndrogynousXtian: then like grab his nuts and twist them off
AndrogynousXtian: or embarass him in public whenever he says something
AndrogynousXtian: i have mrs. dearth!!
AndrogynousXtian: and we carved faces in potatoes
ggglittersoresss: ME TOO!
ggglittersoresss: i made mine into a little tiki man.
AndrogynousXtian: me too
AndrogynousXtian: i named him voodoo child
ggglittersoresss: YES!
***
and another GREAT quote:
Greenskysfall: were your driving recently by any chance?
ggglittersoresss: yes.
Greenskysfall: On Meridian? at like..a little after midnight?
ggglittersoresss: no.
Greenskysfall: Then I did not almost hit your car. Congradulations.
Princess
at 2:17 AM
today was SUCH a good day.
in the morning, there was a two hour delay,
so we took a beautiful nap.
then i came home and took more of a nap,
then i got up and took a shower,
then i got ready and went over to pablo and monica's,
then i went to taco bell to wait on chad to get out of school,
then i went over to chad's,
then we had AWESOME SEX,
then i went to work, which was gay,
but then i went to wendy's to wait on chad to call me,
then i went to zach's to see him,
then more great stuff ensued,
then i came home.
we had another horrible conversation tonight.
i almost did the typical
tyler-submitting-to-chad-conversationally-by-agreeing-and-apologizing
but instead he pushed me so far,
or has over a period of time,
that i did the OLD typical tyler thing
and spat out exactly what my brain was screaming at him,
quickly and precisely and sarcastically and passionately.
mm.
and so,
i did not cry a single tear tonight.
i realized that the worst thing about being with chad
is that it actually has changed me.
a combination of his extensive criticism and my
willingness to please him
morphed my personality a little every time we fought.
most my individual little quirks have over time disappeared
because he off-handedly made a condescending comment
about them.
i am quiet,
i am bland,
and i actually censor myself now.
how awful.
actually, a lot has changed.
i smoke,
i drink,
i party,
i cuss frequently,
i lie to my parents frequently,
i sneak,
i am calm,
i skip school,
i love school,
i don't tell anyone anything,
i don't write,
i don't cut,
i don't take pills,
i don't care about.. anything,
i pay attention to what people think about me,
and worst of all,
i don't know myself anymore.
but none of this matters.
in the least.
in fact, all that matters right now
is that after those entire two hours of condescension,
i squeezed something nice out of him.
and that nice thing is this:
I AM A GOOD CUDDLER.
he had a good nap with me this morning.
he has the ability to relax when
i am on top of him, or next to him, or wrapped around him.
and now i am going to let myself dwell on this
and only this
until the next nice thing that comes out of his mouth.
it's not good that i build my self-esteem
based on his likings.
but it does'nt matter,
BECAUSE I'M A GOOD CUDDLER!
****
CannablissJunkie: dxm tripp from eatin tripple c's?
ggglittersoresss: ball tripping complimentary of walgreens
ggglittersoresss: YES
CannablissJunkie: it's an experience i'll tell you
CannablissJunkie: i've ate one pill of it at school
ggglittersoresss: hah
CannablissJunkie: i don't remember if i told you earlier
ggglittersoresss: nice location
CannablissJunkie: NO
CannablissJunkie: it wasn't
CannablissJunkie: omg
ggglittersoresss: hahahahah
CannablissJunkie: i ate it at lunch
CannablissJunkie: mike sherron baught it for me off of ryan gent
CannablissJunkie: for FIVE BUCKS
CannablissJunkie: the cost of a whole back of tripple c's
CannablissJunkie: i ate it...
CannablissJunkie: went back into my class...then went to last period where i spent most of the time on the floor looking at the ceiling
ggglittersoresss: HAHHAHAHAHAH
CannablissJunkie: yes
CannablissJunkie: then i got out of that class
CannablissJunkie: and luckily found a friend
CannablissJunkie: and i was like DUDE
CannablissJunkie: am i walking alright? i need to lean on you.
CannablissJunkie: i couldn't walk fo rshit
ggglittersoresss: this story is hialrious.
CannablissJunkie: i was fucked the rest of that day.
Princess
at 1:43 AM
Princess
at 11:23 PM
CannablissJunkie: understand this
CannablissJunkie: you may know what chad is doing to you
CannablissJunkie: but he doesn't
earlier chad said something about
me being an inconsiderate jerk who couldn't put myself in his shoes
or understand his situation
because i'm too self-centered.
i cried again,
but then i remembered
HEY WAIT
HE ACTS LIKE I DON'T EVEN HAVE FEELINGS.
also, i caught him another stupid lie
that he was talking to pablo online
when in reality, pablo was asking me why
chad wouldn't respond to his messages.
but IIIIII
am the lying sack of shit.
Princess
at 10:55 PM
i cry for hours on end every day
because i'm so miserable without him.
and he said he doesn't care,
it just doesn't matter to him.
and so i cry more.
i must be something really horrible
for chad to not even want me.
i wish there was anything at all i could do to feel better.
Princess
at 10:37 PM
a1JOBE: i don't know, you're definetly in my chill factor
i thought this was just the greatest phrasing.
Princess
at 9:50 PM
bluscluroxmywrld: so hows being single?
ggglittersoresss: good
ggglittersoresss: i actually just drank, smoked, and fucked with chad all day.
ggglittersoresss: "tough titty", said the kitty, "but the milk tastes good."
bluscluroxmywrld: lol! wtf?
ggglittersoresss: HAHAHHAHAHAH
ggglittersoresss: my mom says that
ggglittersoresss: like, all the time
bluscluroxmywrld: odd
ggglittersoresss: it means.. tough cookies
ggglittersoresss: but only with a titty
ggglittersoresss: and a cat
Princess
at 11:43 PM
it's almost 4 in the morning and i'm sending him signals.
i wonder if he's up thinking about me,
though this is highly unlikely.
maybe having a drunken sex dream about me.
i am so worthless.
no, i take that back,
i am so more worth it than either of us give me credit for.
WORTH!!!
that is me summed up in a word.
i am full of worth,
i am fully worthy.
in control.
Princess
at 3:50 AM
uh,
we broke up.
other than that,
i got druuuunk!
Princess
at 1:23 AM
this is a late relation
like four months late, to be exact.
i drag myself from comforter fellatio
this morning
when she sends me the signal ringing
loud in my sunrise ears.
"remember when you wanted to drive your car off a bridge?"
and i say sunrise as if a color her voice did not contain,
but it is false.
she speaks in tones of rainbow,
her tongue painting audible orange and pink paragons
on my crisp clear cubicle brain.
too quickly comes her audio-departure
in a moment standing still to this one.
"goodbye"
she varnishes me,
in a blue sort of hush.
so the sun will not rise to her rainbow today,
and i drown myself back to
dreaming of sex.
Princess
at 11:34 AM
all i can think about is
chad and his anger at me.
today it's because i like gwen stefani,
then for shopping with monica.
i don't like it when he's mad at me.
it's too frequent.
and he makes me so happy so
the dilemma is trying to stop this fray
before it grows to deterioration.
this is almost six months,
disarray is expected.
but not this,
i am terrified of this.
this is sign number one that
it's fucking over.
*dead*
anyway,
i did go shopping with monica today
and it was FUN!
it hurts my feelings when chad says mean things about
her
because she really is one of my only friends.
*vent*
he left me this really mean lifed message
starting with
"i apologize for blowing you off today...
NO, NO I DON'T."
whatever.
i was like,
how bout some drama?
but i tried to call him anyway
and when more drama ensued
(he hung up on me)
i just put the phone down and ordered a pizza.
he didn't try to call back, so..
i'm assuming it was purposeful.
i bought curlyhairgel today.
this is the third day in a row
that i was like really dolled up
and nothing happened.
he has a really difficult time recognizing
time that is supossed to be special.
i have a really horrible headache.
I JUST FUCKING WANTED SOME LOVE.
Princess
at 11:42 PM
...and a happy new year!!!
i am thoroughly satisfied with tonight's course of events.
"large."
multiple people told me i was beautiful tonight,
i felt really fucking special.
stellafication pays off.
it's also really cool when people appreciate you for being nice.
i encountered a multitude of likeable people tonight,
actually.
which is alwasy good.
my dvd player is shitty and little,
but i am so thankful anyway.
even though i didn't particularly want it.
it's cool.
the grilled cheese maker makes
SHITTY
grilled cheese, suck at life.
my punkin's makes them SO GOOD.
today i went shopping,
and it was fun.
i miss having other people who enjoy shopping.
i should have someone like courtney or jena go with me.
they'd probably enjoy shopping,
they have lots of mall-type stuff.
i kissed chad when the ball dropped.
it was way too good.
tomorrow at 4 i'm going to the bennett's.
seeing ally will be fun.
she found me on like, myspace
which is something i forget that i have because i don't use it
so it was really unexpected.
we've been talking a little since then.
i miss her.
i wonder what they did at home number two tonight.
drank hardcore, probably.
that could've been fun, but i'm glad i came home.
wade said i am the hot topic of conversation
between the gossip queens,
and i'm thinking that i'd be feeling that by now
if i was still there.
instead, it was a perfectly timed visit
and everything flowed fairly smooth.
they love me,
even if they are a little fucked up.
i dropped hella cash today.
kris is sleeping in his room now
that he has a tv.
my mom bought him a new one
with a dvd player
while i was gone for no real reason.
that sucks because it was brandon and my
main christmas present
and kris just got it because right after.
not that i'm bitching,
it's just weird.
tonight has left me feeling
really sexy
and adequate.
these are things i like to feel.
happy fucking new year.
Princess
at 1:10 AM