*foiled.*

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

HE KISSED ME!

Princess at 3:43 PM
*****************

Tuesday, January 25, 2005
i'm going to leave this whole thing alone.

i am so beautiful,
i am such a great person,
my brain is very well endowed.
plenty desire me.
and so i will venture on as the confident, powerful girl-woman i am.

i will always love chad.
but that does not mean i need to ruin myself over him.
in time, he will realize what he has lost and regret this.
and when that time comes, i will be happy to have him back.

Princess at 10:45 PM

*****************

MISS BATISTE KNITTED ME A PINK FLUFFY HAT WITH KITTY EARS.
it has a big green button, too.
i felt so fucking special, it's insane.

i LOVE her.

so of course, nikki and i
painted whiskers and a kitty nose and cat eyes
on my face in watercolor,
and then i got the GREATEST idea.

chad giggled out his window (door)
at me for my face, so i figured it was an ok attempt.
i drove to his house,
walked up to the door,
and begged him to say just this one thing.
"you're PURRRRRRRRRfect for me,
and without you,
my life is going to the dogs."

he smiled,
it was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.
and when i left,
he hugged me,
and smelled my hair and squeezesqueezesqueezed me in the sunlight on the driveway,
warm like summer with glittering snow.

and i'm surprised i didn't melt.

i winked at him as i left,
and to see him laugh
was the greatest satisfaction i could ever imagine.

"why are you so happy?"
because you're talking to me,
because i'm looking at you,
because your eyes are so brown,
because i've never seen the shirt you're wearing,
because i'm dressed up like a little kitty,
because you like it,
because you opened your door,
because you let me in,
because i smell your coat,
because your hair is so unkept,
because so is mine and we match,
because i love you so much,
because right now i know you can't hate me,
because you said something to me first today,
because you touched me,
because you're perfect,
because one time, you were mine.

Princess at 4:08 PM

*****************

Monday, January 24, 2005
he said the sight of me will make him vomit.

i am the worst person ever.
he's so right.
i can't live with myself.

and the only deserving punishment
is to starve to death painfully and slowly.
seventy-two hours and counting.
this time is different, this is not starving for vanity.

i want to make myself suffer
for hurting him.
and since all i have to look forward to
is a lifetime full of myself, the worst person alive,
and no him, the only person who can make me halfway decent,
then i might as well just die.

zach called right as chad was hanging up on me.
and i said,
i'm sorry zach,
i can't talk to you anymore.
i am ruining chad's life.
bye.
and then i hung up,
and then i cried for a very long time
because i will miss zach during these last few weeks alive.
but at least chad can enjoy him for the next couple of weeks
without having to worry about me.

and since i can't enjoy anything anyway,
i might as well not even try.
i just want to hole up in my room
and torture myself with boredom.
as in, no music.
as in, no tv.
as in, nothing.

tomorrow i'm probably going to start passing out.
so i have to make sure to drink juice and gatorade
to avoid this.
so that no one will know.

i always knew i deserved my self-esteem.

Princess at 6:53 PM

*****************

the turpentine washes turned out well.

i think i'm going to skip knitting.

i haven't had sex in a week.
and now
god knows when i'll have sex next.
so far away.

i don't even want to think about
sleeping with anyone else.
i just keep picturing us in the shower,
how perfect his hands were on my skin
and kisses under the faucet,
every way he was and is and felt.
or us in the octagon,
with the candle flickering across his face
and kissing the back of my neck.
or on my birthday,
quiet and dark in the tent,
when he whispered "you're fucking it"
like it was true.

but me,
there's nothing to miss about me.
except what i could be because of him.
and i miss that so much,
though i'm sure he does not.

it's not fair that i love him so much
and hate myself like this.
but i guess that's where we can see eye to eye,
worshipping him and despising me.

"you are the scum of the earth"
"bitchbitchbitchbitch"
"just fucking go DIE."

i wish.

Princess at 1:34 PM

*****************

sixty one hours without food.

i walked to my classroom just in time to
watch chad throw a kohl's bag full
of my things in our locker on the floor in front of mrs. dearth's room.
he has cleaned me from his locker,
flushed me from his system,
washed his hands of me.

i can't stop coughing.

i like ms. batiste's friend.

Princess at 8:44 AM

*****************

i cannot stop thinking about chad.
i cannot sleep.
i cannot eat.
i cannot get "space cowboy" out of my head.

and worstly,
i'm pretty sure he's alright.

Princess at 1:22 AM

*****************

Sunday, January 23, 2005
on a sidenote,
i'm 123 without cheating!!!

Princess at 11:48 PM

*****************

ggglittersoresss: what did you do all summer?
xxDashboardxx1: sat in my room and played playstation
xxDashboardxx1: flew out to pensylvania with my g-paw in the mountains and went bear hunting
xxDashboardxx1: lol
xxDashboardxx1: ya i shot like 50!
ggglittersoresss: didn't you feel bad?
xxDashboardxx1: they were attacking my cousin! wat would u do in that situation?!

(ps in case my last post didn't post,
there was a rainbow around the moon earlier!!!)

Princess at 10:42 PM

*****************

our daily routine
deceased
decreased
into a dilluted dullness.
i ask,
does comfortable gray
constitute my acceptance of
your disgusting and destitute
attitudes?
probably not,
i think today.
***

((written friday))

Princess at 7:06 PM

*****************

i was sad when this morning started,
but as of six oh nine right now,
i'm ok.

i forgot to write all the positive things
that i wanted to.

last night, backing out of haylo's with zach,
the street was ice and
a translucent haze of snow was breezing
gradations of white to black
in the pattern of the wind.
it was one of those things i only could've seen
on a dark road with headlights
in that particular day's weather,
and i cherished it thoroughly.

"boys are easier to find than gazebos."
since chad never wants to speak to me again,
my new idea is to search for a boy
to kiss me in a gazebo in the spring,
on the perfectly-weathered day.
and i want it to be a boy, because it needs to feel classic.
and since it has to be the perfect boy
(chad would have been choice, so what i really mean is almost-perfect),
starting to choose now will keep me busy
for like, three days easy.

nate and steve called to ask me to go to
china buffet today.
i felt totally honored.
nate started the conversation by asking,
"do you know where the evil one is?"

the intellectual connection i have made with josh
is so comfortable and rare.
do i like him the way he likes me?
not currently.
but like he said, we're in the chill factor,
and his company is amazingly appreciated.
we're very compatible.

it feels so good to be known and appreciated
myself.
last night josh left a message on my phone
mentioning how cool he thinks i am,
and i giggled heartily.
zach is great at inflating my self-esteem,
and i think i might've gotten him to quit smoking.
haylee made me feel absolutely beautiful
for existing.
jena likes me so much,
we have such constantly good times together.
and even hanging out with john and dave yesterday
was a freaking blast.

reminder to self:
tomorrow i am going to school first period,
knitting afterschool,
and calling jena when i get out.

today, i listened to the special mix
haylee made me for christmas.
it has all the perfect songs.

i still haven't eaten anything,
but tomorrow at school i will chew a lot of gum.

things to accomplish tonight:
*go through cut-outs, pick out subjects, preliminary sketches?
*clean car, vacuum
*clean room, clear off white stand
*get wicker bench out
*look at tv stand, maybe set it up?
*pick out tomorrow's outfit and lay it out to allow for extra laziness
*take a dip in the freaking hot tub.

Princess at 6:08 PM

*****************

Saturday, January 22, 2005
AndrogynousXtian: i watched napolean dynamite
AndrogynousXtian: just now
ggglittersoresss: good, yeah?
AndrogynousXtian: not when your depressed
AndrogynousXtian: but yeah, it was perty funny
ggglittersoresss: no, napoleon dynamite's goodness never waivers
ggglittersoresss: your personal goodness may very well change, but you can never deny the goodness of the dynamo.

i haven't eaten since yesterday at 7.
i tried once, but have puked so many times since then that
eating is no longer an appealing idea,
anyway.

also, i have bronchitis or something.

and despite all my other good friends and good things....

i really don't want anything but chad,
because anything minus him is miserable
(thus rendering all current things so).

Princess at 11:31 PM

*****************

i would thoroughly enjoy
being shot in the face.

the moral of the story here?
a)don't call jena a bitch unless you like being spat on.
b)i never stand up for myself, and i shouldn't.
c)i am the worst thing in existence.

ever.

Princess at 9:48 AM

*****************

Friday, January 21, 2005
today was,
as i knew it would be,
a waste of day.
but did i enjoy it?
yes i did.

my brain is totally changing,
weird.

as discussed with zach,
here are the last several chapters of my life:
1."the pregnant pause"
((chad, haylee in virginia, hot topic, school, haylee nicole the second, hustling chronic, ambien, fetus trees, my crazy mom))
2."sweet sixteen"
((haylee, getting high, zach, chad, partiespartiesparties, the camera, UV, nate's house, the focus, nirvana, chad's truck, jezabel, denny's, blond ambition))
3."when cody was cool"
((cody, haylee as my left leg, saturdays, the focus, internet, partially pink hair, bulimia and the ymca, homeschool, feminism, xtian, fast food, poetry.com))
4."tanta and the inevitable haylo"
((jenn, the group, twinkies, biology, the mall, pills, the movies, john, passing out, cody, prissy, parties, yarn in my hair, footloose, and finally haylee))
5."galactical proportions period"
((cory, dank, skateboarding, church, tool and nine inch nails, hairdye, acro class, the new girl, breadsticks from pizza hut, babysitting))

Princess at 1:06 AM

*****************

Thursday, January 20, 2005
GODDAMMIT.
i wrote the most beautiful poem in here earlier
and the most accurate reflections
and now they're fucking gone.
DAMN YOU INTERNETTTTTTTTTT!

ggglittersoresss: what are you doing, missy?
bluscluroxmywrld: actually i found kittie's "spit" on my computer and sooo im listening to it because i thought ti was lost forever
ggglittersoresss: AWW!
bluscluroxmywrld: and its crazy because i havent listened to it since well, like 7th grade

Princess at 1:11 PM

*****************